Latest / feel your feelings with Ethan Jewell / forgive, but don't forget

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forgive, but don't forget · feel your feelings with Ethan Jewell

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  Growing up, every time someone wronged or hurt me, I would give
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  myself the advice that we've all gotten forgive and forget.
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  I would force myself through it, forgive the person that hurt me,
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  and then push it down as deep as I could and thought that that
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  was the only way to move on from being hurt.
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  However, after some thought, I've realized forgiving is
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  important to the process as it allows you to let go of the hurt
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  you've been given. But often forcing yourself to
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  forget does a disservice to the emotional wounds you've been
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  dealt. My name is Ethan Jewell, and
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  welcome back to feel your feelings.
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  Most of us have heard the saying forgive and forget.
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  When when someone wrongs you or you experience a hurtful
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  situation, we are told the correct course of action is to
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  excuse their behavior and push it to the back of our minds.
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  I know I've always done that. Whether it's in a relationship
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  of friendship or hurt caused by myself, I try my very best to,
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  you know, work through the feelings and then just just push
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  it down. Just move right past it.
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  However, only half of this equation is the correct thing to
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  do. I fully believe that forgiveness
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  is necessary, but forgetting is disrespectful to yourself.
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  It's disrespectful to your emotions.
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  It's disrespectful to the feelings that you have felt
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  because of the situation that you have been put in when you
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  forget. When you move right past, it
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  opens up the floor for you to be hurt again, and it sends a
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  message to both yourself and the other person involved that you
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  are the one who has to take the burden.
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  You are the one who has to dissolve those feelings
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  internally and move on, and I think that is wrong and hurtful
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  to our mental health. Before I go any further, I want
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  to remind you I am not a doctor. I'm not a psychologist.
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  I'm not a professional in the mental health industry.
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  I'm a normal guy who has felt some big feelings and has
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  forgiven people. And I can tell you, forgetting
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  is extremely disrespectful to the process of forgiving.
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  So let's talk about how this can affect our mental health and how
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  overall we need to forgive. But a majority of the time we
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  shouldn't forget. When it comes to the process of
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  forgiving and then forgetting, it's important to think about
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  what benefits you and what benefits whoever hurt you in
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  whatever situation you are in. And the difference between these
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  two is that forgiveness benefits you.
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  It allows you to work through the complicated feelings of
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  grief or hurt. It's making peace with the
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  situation and allowing yourself the freedom to move forward from
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  it. This is very, very important.
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  Whether it's a traumatic event, whether it's an argument, a
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  disagreement, any kind of hurt that has been caused by somebody
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  else. Forgiving is very, very healthy.
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  It allows you to work through. However, forgetting benefits the
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  person that has hurt you. When you push past a painful
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  situation, stuff it into the past without properly working
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  through it, you're essentially giving that person a free pass
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  to hurt you again. When you try to just forget,
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  you're communicating that it's you, not them.
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  You are the one who is taking the hit here.
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  You are taking the hurt they've given you and instead of letting
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  it go, you're burying it deep and taking the burden upon
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  yourself. A healthy way to work through
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  feelings of grief, feelings of hurt, is to process and then let
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  go externally. So if you forgive process but
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  then forget, tuck it away deep. You are internalizing these
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  feelings. So let's talk about the
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  importance of forgiving without forgetting.
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  Forgiveness helps us heal emotional wounds.
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  Let go of anger, resentment, and bitterness that may be weighing
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  us down. Essentially, you're turning that
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  hurt into an outward form of expression.
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  Forgiveness involves looking at the situation you're in,
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  acknowledging your hurt, working through it, however, is best for
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  you, and choosing to let go. It's an active choice.
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  It can often physically include telling the person that they
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  have hurt you, but you forgive them.
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  That is, channeling it outward. Very, very important to note
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  that instead of bringing it inward, you're pushing it away.
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  By channeling this energy into an outward form of release, you
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  remove it from your body. You remove it from resting heavy
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  on your heart. It also allows you the time you
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  need to properly heal from the emotional damage you've been
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  dealt. A common mistake that a lot of
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  people make in the process of trying to forgive and forget
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  through times of emotional turmoil as they try to rush the
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  process. And forgetting often forces you
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  to do that. It forces you to to push things
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  down and rush through them. But healing takes time, and
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  rushing this process, rushing forgiveness, can hinder that
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  healing process. It's so important to give
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  ourselves the time and space we need to forgive before we can
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  heal. By taking your time, you enable
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  yourself to forgive and move forward instead of simply
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  rushing and forgetting. The goal of forgiveness is
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  usually to either heal yourself from hurt or heal a relationship
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  with somebody else. If these feelings go
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  unacknowledged, it could ruin either your emotional stability
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  or your relationship with the other person.
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  Sure, sometimes that connection isn't worth healing if the hurt
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  is strong enough. However, if that is your goal,
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  forgiveness is required. This can also restore and
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  strengthen relationships as it allows us to move past conflicts
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  and rebuild trust and understanding.
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  So how do we forgive and not forget?
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  What does that process look like?
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  Well, first we must acknowledge our feelings of hurt, anger, or
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  resentment and allow yourself to feel these feelings.
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  Without emotions of judgement or guilt, you may be tempted to
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  internalize these feelings and try to blame yourself for the
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  hurt others have caused you. But I warn you, don't fall into
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  this trap. It's an easy path to go down.
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  It's one I've gone down many, many times.
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  Shifting blame away from another person and on to yourself is
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  easier. It's less painful.
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  You can just internalize that and go well it it must have been
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  something I did wrong. If you're hurt in a
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  relationship, it's so easy to shift blame inwards and say you
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  weren't providing enough. Same with a friendship.
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  If somebody has lied or or or or done something to you, it's so
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  easy to shift that blame inward. But that is a trap and will lead
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  to even more emotional wounds for you later on.
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  You have to acknowledge your hurt and if applicable,
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  understand that it isn't your fault.
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  Next, I think that you should practice empathy to everyone
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  involved. When you've been wronged, often
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  the last thing you want to do is practice empathy towards that
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  person. But sometimes trying to
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  understand the situation without judgement or I'll intention is
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  necessary to work towards forgiveness.
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  Once again, this is not always applicable.
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  There are some situations where a person doesn't deserve
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  empathy, but it can be helpful if you deem it to be.
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  So continue working through the complex feelings that come with
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  emotional wounds. Then once you get to a place of
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  acceptance and understanding, you have to find some sort of
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  physical release. For some, as mentioned earlier,
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  that's directly talking to the person that's wronged you and
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  telling them that they've hurt you and you forgive them.
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  For others, it's engaging in activities, art, or other
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  outlets. What's important is that you do
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  something in order to move forward from these feelings.
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  You can't just let them sit, even if it's just acknowledging
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  the feelings every time they come up and telling that hurt
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  within you that it has a place to be and it can exist often.
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  Feelings of anger, feelings of anxiety, feelings of depression
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  that have come from emotional wounds just need to be
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  acknowledged. They just need to be allowed to
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  exist. But don't forget, and I don't
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  mean you have to be petty and resentful.
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  I mean, don't do a disservice to yourself by pushing past the
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  hurt you've been given. Allow yourself the respect to
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  remember how you've been wronged so you can be aware of red flags
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  in the future. It's cliche, but forgiveness is
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  a journey, not a destination. It's OK to take your time and
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  forgive at your own pace. Forgiveness will look different
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  for everybody. It depends on your situation.
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  Sometimes forgiveness is nearly impossible, but it's a very,
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  very healthy thing that we can do in order to work through
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  hurtful situations. By acknowledging our feelings,
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  practicing empathy, letting go of resentment, we can embark on
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  a path towards healing and inner peace.
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  Forgiveness is not about forgetting the past, but rather
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  learning from it and moving forward with a lighter heart.
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  That's going to wrap it up for today's episode.
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  Thank you so much for being here.
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  I have a really big announcement.
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  My new album is coming out this Friday, April 19th.
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  It might be out right now. While you're listening to this,
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  I spent a year learning how to sing for this album and I'm
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  really, really proud of it and it would mean a lot if you
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  checked it out. It's called I Wouldn't Do It
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  Again and It's by me, Ethan Jewell, out on all platforms.
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  Also, shoot me a message on my Instagram at Jewell Boy with an
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  I under score and let me know what you thought about today's
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  episode. So thank you so much for being
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  here. Thank you for understanding that
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  forgiveness is necessary, but forgetting is not.
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  And as always, thank you for feeling your feelings.
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  I'll see you next time.