Latest / The Career Mentor Podcast with Fexingo: Finding Mentors, Sponsors, and Career Advisors / How to Find a Mentor When You Are a Quiet Person
Transcript
- Lucas: Luna, I want to start today with a confession. I spent the first five years of my career trying to be the 'networking guy' — the one who works the room, hands out business cards, follows up with a coffee invite within 48 hours. And I was terrible at it. Because that approach is built for someone who isn't me. Luna: I think a lot of people feel that pressure. The conventional wisdom says you have to be outgoing to find a mentor. But what if you're just — quiet? Lucas: Exactly. And that's what we're digging into today — how to find a mentor when you are a quiet person. Not shy, not socially anxious necessarily, but someone who processes internally, speaks less, and values depth over breadth in conversation. The kind of person who might dread a networking happy hour but can have a transformative one-on-one conversation. Luna: And before we go further — this is a good moment to mention something. If this show has helped you think through a career move or a mentorship question, a handful of listeners chip in monthly through Buy Me a Coffee dot com slash fexingo. And honestly, that's what keeps us making episodes like this one — no ads, just listener support. Lucas: Yeah, it's a small group, but it makes a big difference. And it lets us stay independent, focused on what actually helps you. So thank you to everyone who does that. Luna: Alright. Back to the quiet person's mentorship playbook. Lucas, what's the first thing someone should unlearn? Lucas: The idea that you need to make a big impression in the first five minutes. A lot of quiet people think they have to force themselves to be chatty, crack a joke, or share a personal story to be memorable. But research from organizational psychologist Adam Grant shows that introverts actually build deeper reciprocal relationships over time — because they listen more and talk less. The key is to stop playing the extrovert's game. Luna: So instead of trying to be the life of the party, what's the alternative? Lucas: I call it the 'slow-burn ask.' You don't approach someone cold and ask 'Will you be my mentor?' That rarely works for anyone. Instead, you start with a low-stakes, specific request that leverages your natural strengths — like asking a thoughtful question via email or LinkedIn. For example: 'I read your article on X and was struck by your point about Y. I've been struggling with Z in my own work. Could I ask how you approached that?' Luna: That's a great opener because it shows you've done your homework. And it's written, which gives the quiet person time to craft their words. I actually use something I call the 'three-sentence ask' — exactly three sentences. First sentence: who you are and why you're reaching out. Second: one specific thing you admire about their work. Third: one clear, small request — usually a 15-minute phone call or a reply to one question. Lucas: That's powerful because it respects the other person's time and doesn't ramble. Quiet people often overthink and overwrite — the three-sentence constraint forces clarity. And the research backs it: in a study of cold emails to executives, messages under 100 words had a 44% higher response rate than longer ones. The quiet person's discipline actually becomes an advantage. Luna: So the quiet person isn't at a disadvantage — they just need a different playbook. Let's talk about the follow-up too. Once you've had that first conversation, how do you deepen it without being pushy? Lucas: This is where being quiet really shines. Instead of filling silence with small talk, you can use it to let the other person reflect. After they share advice, pause for a few seconds before responding. That pause signals that you're really processing what they said. It's disarming and it builds trust. Then, follow up later with a specific update: 'I tried what you suggested about stakeholder mapping, and it changed how I approached the quarterly review. Thank you.' Luna: That kind of gratitude with specificity is rare. Most people just say 'thanks for your time.' You're showing that their advice had impact. And that makes them want to invest more in you. Lucas: Exactly. The relationship becomes reciprocal — not because you're giving them something, but because you're demonstrating that their time was well spent. Quiet people are often better at this because they're more reflective and detail-oriented. Luna: I want to bring up a specific example. I have a friend — let's call her Priya — who's a senior data scientist at a large bank. She's quiet, brilliant, but always felt overlooked in mentorship programs. She started sending a monthly 'one thing I learned' email to a director she admired — just one paragraph, no ask. After six months, that director invited her to be part of a special project. That project led to a promotion. Lucas: That's the slow-burn approach in action. No cold ask, no networking event. Just consistent, low-pressure value. And it works because the director got to know Priya's thinking over time without any sales pitch. For quiet people, writing is often a superpower. Luna: Right. So if you're listening and thinking 'I'm too quiet to find a mentor,' what's the one thing you should do this week? Lucas: Identify one person whose work you genuinely admire — not a celebrity, but someone in your industry you could realistically reach. Then send them a three-sentence email using Luna's template. No ask for mentorship. Just a specific observation about their work and a genuine question. That's it. One email. Luna: And if you get a reply? Great. If you don't? That's okay. The act of sending it is practice. You're building the muscle of reaching out in a way that feels authentic to you. Lucas: And if you're a senior leader who's quiet — you might be a great mentor for someone junior who's also quiet. You understand the dynamic. So consider putting yourself out there as a mentor. The best mentors often aren't the loudest people in the room. Luna: That's a great point. So to sum up: quiet isn't a liability in mentorship. It can be an asset if you play to your strengths — thoughtful questions, written communication, follow-through, and depth. Lucas: I'd add one more thing: be patient. The slow-burn approach takes longer, but the relationships it builds are often more genuine and lasting. And that's what mentorship is really about — not a transaction, but a genuine connection. Luna: Well said. Next episode, we'll tackle another angle — how to be a mentor when you're early in your career. Stay tuned.