Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S3 Ep13: "Blended Life: Black Dad, Korean Mom, White Wife" 🤣

Transcript

S3 Ep13: "Blended Life: Black Dad, Korean Mom, White Wife" 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: When you debate your life, when you go back and forth in your life, you don't know if you're gonna live or die.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_01: You realize a lot of things.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_01: Great things that happened in your life and terrible things that happened in your life.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_01: And one thing that stood out to me is my parents never told me they loved me till I was 29 years old.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_01: And it really messed with me in the hospital, right?
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_01: So before I get into that story, I gotta tell you about my parents.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: If you haven't seen my last special, my dad is black, born and raised in Louisiana, has a PhD in nuclear physics, and served our country in the army, people.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_01: Now, in the last special, he was 75.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: Now he's 78 and he hasn't changed.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_01: He's still black and hat swag.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: He still walks around the house like this, you know what I mean?
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: And he's always laughing, like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_01: And always pointing at random shit that's not there.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: Now, my mom, she was born and raised in Korea, Southside.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_01: Now we know who doesn't watch the news in his room.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_01: I said it in my last special, Blazion.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: It's tough having an Asian mom because if they think it, they say it, they have no filter.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_01: My mom just turned 70 and now all bets are off.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: She does not care.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_01: I never thought my mom could be worse.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_01: My mom won't even say people's names to me anymore.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_01: Because she would rather describe them to me.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_01: She calls me the other day and goes, you know what?
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: I like your friend.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: He's nice.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: I go, which one?
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_01: She goes, fat boy small feet.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: But I knew exactly who she was talking about.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: Because with my mom, my mom will say things that make you mad.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: She will say things that make you want to fight.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_01: But my mom feels, really feels, that she can say anything to anybody.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: Because it's a true, it's a true.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, you don't like truth.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: Why you mad?
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's a truth.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: Do I lie?
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: Do I lie?
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_01: My mom got in a fight with my wife.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: Now, full transparency, my wife cooks like once every couple of, you know, once a once.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_01: So my mom walks into our new house and goes, oh, what a beautiful kitchen for no cooking.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: Go, mom, you can't say that in my house.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: No uh, not to my wife.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: She goes, why?
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: It's a chair, it's a chair.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: And then to me and my wife, she goes, Do I lie?
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: Do I lie?
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: I look at my dad for help.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, Walk away, son, walk away.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: My wife, she's white.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: Woo, it got quiet, okay.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_01: But my wife is just not white.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_01: She's white, white.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_01: Now I know a lot of people in here are white, and you're questioning yourselves right now, going, am I white, white?
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_01: My wife is whiter than you.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_01: My wife is from Gillette, Wyoming, white.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_01: You hear that?
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_01: When white people in Timmy, like, damn.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_01: That's white.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_01: But we got a beautiful family, man.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_01: We got two kids.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_01: My son is now five, my daughter's two, and they're black, white, and Asian.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_01: That's right.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_01: That's right.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_01: We gave birth to pandas.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_01: We call them Ling Ling and Sing Sing.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_01: And my last special, I talk about this when my son was born, because I didn't have a daughter at that time.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_01: When my son was born and the doctor handed me my son.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_01: It's crazy as a father because I knew I would die for him, right?
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't even know this dude.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_01: He could be a terrible human being, but I would die for him, you know?
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_01: But when they handed me my daughter, oh, it was different.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, oh, okay, okay.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: I would kill for you.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_01: I became a murderer overnight.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_01: Because the family dynamic to me is crazy.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: Like I would die for my son, I would kill for my daughter.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_01: But here's what's crazy: I wouldn't kill for my wife.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: Because that's not my job.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: That's her father's job.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want to step on anybody's toes.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_01: Because I love both of my kids the same.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_01: But the love is in different directions.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_01: My son, I want him to be able to take care of himself, be strong.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_01: But I know for the rest of my life I'm going to protect my daughter.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: 100%.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: And what's the biggest threat to women?
• 5:40
  unknown: Men.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: Look at that.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: Men.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: So now I hate all men.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: I became a lesbian activist overnight.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: Slash murderer.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_01: I'm Ellen DeGeneres with a gun.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: Because every man's a threat to my daughter.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: Every single man eventually will be a threat to my daughter.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_01: I hate my son.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes I hate my son.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_01: Why?
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: Because he's a threat to my daughter.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_01: We all have baby cams and watching my kids play.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: My daughter's playing with her little toy.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: My son walks over and grabs the toy from her.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_01: I get so angry, but then my daughter grabs it back and I'm like, yeah, that's my baby girl.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: Take no man's crap.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_01: But then my son looks around to see if anybody's watching.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: Starts backing up where she is, and he hits her with his butt.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_01: And she falls to the ground and starts crying.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: I get so angry inside.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_01: I'm so mad.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_01: I want to fuck this little dude up, right?
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_01: But I can't.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_01: He's only five, and it's not a fair fight.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_01: It's not a fair fight.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: All I can do is scream and like, hey, you better stop that.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_01: And he runs off.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_01: But my daughter could hit my son with a brick in the face.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: I'd be like, hey girl.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_01: Good job.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_01: Good job.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_01: Because a daughter makes you a better man.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: 100%.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_01: 100%.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_01: It makes you more empathetic.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: You care about people.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: You get sensitive.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_01: I cry all the time now.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_01: All the time.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_01: I don't even know why my wife looks at me in disgust.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: I cry so much.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, why are you crying?
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_01: I've never seen my dad cry once, but I cry all the time.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_01: And then it hit me.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_01: Every generation of father gets softer and softer and softer.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: It means things are getting easier.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: My black grandfather was born in 1902 in America, went through injustices you couldn't even imagine.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_01: My dad went through segregation, still got a PhD in nuclear physics, and had to march, had to march just to drink out of the same water fountains as everybody else.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: That's right.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_01: Me?
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: I would never drink out of a fountain.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_01: That shit's disgusting.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_01: But my dad, man, I can't take him to the park because he has a drink out of every freaking fountain.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, you fought for this?
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, I deserve this, son.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: I deserve it.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: Tell you, man.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_01: I'm going on six years of marriage, man.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_01: My parents, though, they just celebrated 48 years of marriage.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_01: That's something to clap about.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_01: So I asked my dad, I said, hey man, uh, you've been married 48 years.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: How'd you do it?
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: How do you stay married that long?
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_01: My dad looks at me and goes, that's simple, son.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: Never say the first or second thing that pops into your head.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: You always say the third.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_01: I go, what's that mean?
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, Well, the first thing, you will get a divorce.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: The second thing, you are on the couch.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: But the third thing, happily ever after.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_01: I'm six years in, I don't get it until about a month ago.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_01: Me and my wife are driving to Vegas.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_01: She packs a cooler of food for our two-year-old daughter.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_01: We get to Vegas, my wife opens up the cooler and goes, Oh my God, the food all mounted.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_01: I look in the cooler and notice she didn't put any ice in it.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: You didn't put any ice in a cooler.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_01: Now the first thing I thought was, that's the dumbest shit I ever heard in my life.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_01: But I didn't say the first thing, I didn't say the second thing, I said the third thing.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_01: I said, baby, I can't believe this cooler.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's broken.