Latest / LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships / #87: The 5 Secrets I Learned from Talking With Failing to Launch Young Adults

Transcript

#87: The 5 Secrets I Learned from Talking With Failing to Launch Young Adults · LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch, the podcast for parents with older kids in their 20s and 30s who are struggling to move forward.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: Each week, my guests and I talk about the issues that parents like yourself are having with their adult children.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: And although I wish I could tell you what to do to get them through this stage quickly, it is not an easy process and certainly not something you thought you'd be doing at this stage of your life.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: Yet here you are.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: So be patient with them, but do not give up.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: They really do need you.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what today's episode is all about.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: I've spent a lot of time talking to parents about their adult children.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: I hear the frustration.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: I hear the worry.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, I hear the same questions and concerns over and over again.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: Why won't they get a job?
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Why can't they figure this out?
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: I can't motivate them.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: I've tried everything and nothing works.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: What am I supposed to do?
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: That's how parents feel.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: But I've also had conversations with the young adults themselves.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: And when I hear what they have to say, I see the same situation, but very differently.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: Because there are things that these young adults are telling me that they are not saying to their parents.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: And after having enough of these conversations, I've come to some pretty strong conclusions.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: So today I'm going to share the top five things I've learned from talking to young adults, and I know that I'm only scratching the surface.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe yours has more to say or something I haven't heard yet.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: If you want to set up a call, just reach out to me.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the thing: they have to want to.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: Even if they're just a little curious, because this work of change and growth is a family project.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: They didn't get here on their own.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: It was a team effort.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: Consider it like a potato sack race.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: But your partner is your adult child.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: You're in this together, but not in sync.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: So you're tripping and falling all over each other, not living together harmoniously and certainly not moving forward.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: Because you're not connecting and not communicating, even if you think you are.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: Your approach is just not working.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: They are not hearing you.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe you're not hearing them.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: You see, I believe that if you knew what they were really thinking, that you would be able to help them.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: So I'll tell you what I've learned from talking to young adults, and hopefully this will help.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: Now, some of these might surprise you, some might hit home, and maybe there's one that might completely change the way you look at your own adult child.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: So let's begin.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: Number one, they are not telling you what they're really thinking, feeling, or wanting.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: When I talk to young adults, I hear things their parents don't know because at some point they have stopped talking to them.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: My brother did this when he was a young adult.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: He shut down, he closed himself off because he felt that what he wanted wasn't aligned with what everyone else around him was doing, and certainly not what he thought my mother wanted to hear.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: When your adult child gives you one-word answers or says, I don't know, it's easy to think that they don't care or they're being rude.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: But I promise you, the silence is telling you something else.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: You know, when you get into a fight with your spouse, do you always feel like talking about it?
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: Or do you ever just think, what's the point?
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: They won't listen anyway, and I'll just create more problems for myself.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that's how your adult feels.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: That so many conversations will lead to criticism, disappointment, arguments, lectures, comparisons, or an attempt to fix the problem.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: So they stop talking.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: But when I ask them questions, I don't voice an opinion or express judgment.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: I just listen.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: If your adult child has stopped sharing what's really going on in their life, that's telling you something.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: What are they withholding and why?
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: So instead of wondering why won't my adult child talk to me, the better question is, what has happened between us that makes staying silent feel easier than opening up to me?
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: And then ask yourself, what can I do to make it feel safe for them to tell me what's really going on?
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: Number two, they may not know what they want, but they certainly know what you expect.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the problem isn't that they don't have any direction, it's that they don't believe their direction will be acceptable to you.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: Recently I asked a young male why he won't just take an hourly job for now.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: And he didn't say because I don't want to.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: He said my dad would never accept that.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: There's a difference between I don't know what I want to do and it doesn't matter what I want, I just know it's not what my parents want for me.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: Now you might be thinking, that is absolutely not true.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'd be happy if they did anything.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: But has that always been the case?
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: Or is that just what it's come down to?
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: Because even when you say to them, I don't care what you do, just do something, they actually don't believe you because of all the years you spent expecting more from them.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: They're conditioned now.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: They still believe that you'll be disappointed and they just can't deal with that.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: Feelings of shame and the fear of doing something that you don't approve of keeps them completely inactive.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: Number three, they hear your comparisons and it makes them feel like shit.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: Now this one hurts me when I hear it.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: They never come right out and say it because they have too much pride.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: But it's often in this one response to a question I ask.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: Tell me about your siblings.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I might as well say, so tell me about your perfectly thriving, accomplished, successful siblings.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, they hear you bragging to your friends.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: They hear you on the phone with family, you're oozing and gushing with pride.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: They might be happy for their brother or sister, but after a while, it's hard not to resent them.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: Things just seem easier.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: They just have that personality.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I get it.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: You need this win in your life as a parent, so you don't always feel like you're failing.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: But the adult child who is struggling is listening.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: They also hear you talking about your friend's kid who landed a great job or their cousin who bought a house.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: It just seems that everyone else has their life together, and you're just so happy to talk about it in front of them.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe once upon a time you even said, Why can't you do what they did?
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: You're just as smart, even more talented.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: The constant comparison is killing their already annihilated self-confidence.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: Here's what they're thinking.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not good enough in my parents' eyes.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: I've disappointed them.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm too far behind now.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I'm just not capable.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: Research has found that there is a connection between perceived parental expectations and negative self-evaluation in young adults.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: So please pay attention to yourself and what you're saying because your son or daughter is painfully aware of what you think and it keeps them exactly where they are.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: Number four, doing nothing doesn't mean they want to do nothing.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: I really want you to understand this because I think it'll give you hope.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: There are reasons why your young adult isn't doing anything with their life.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: First, they're terrified of failing.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: Research shows that fear of failure can actually stop young adults from taking action toward their future.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: But when they believe they're capable of figuring things out, they're much more likely to make plans and take the steps to move forward.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: So what looks like I don't care may actually be, what if I fail?
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: Another reason is that many don't have the knowledge or skills they need to know how to move forward.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: So what looks like laziness is really, I don't know how to do this.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: Putting these two reasons together, if you're afraid you're going to fail and you don't know what steps to take to move forward, well, doing nothing is safer than risking rejection in the world.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: That's very different from not wanting a future.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: They need to develop the knowledge, skills, and confidence to believe that they can actually handle what to do next.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: Your adult child may really want a job.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: They may yearn for independence, a place of their own.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: But wanting a future and believing that they can navigate the steps to getting there are very different things.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm telling you, doing nothing is not what they really want.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: Number five, they don't want less of you.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: They want a different relationship with you.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: This might be one of the most surprising things I've learned from talking to young adults, especially because it goes against what many parents believe.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: They don't want you out of their lives.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: Even though you think they do because you feel so shut out, you're not actually reading the room.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: I know, it's hard not to be offended by their quiet moods, their desire to be alone, their lack of interest to join you when you visit family or friends.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: No matter how often you say to them, oh, but they love seeing you.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: Even with all that going on, they really do want a connection with you.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: They want to talk to you freely.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: They want you to know their interests.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: They want you to care about who they are, not just what they're doing.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: Being an adult doesn't mean they stop needing you.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: It means they need you differently.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: And they don't know how to tell you that.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: Research shows that while young adults are developing greater independence, they continue to value connection and support from their parents.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: The goal isn't to choose between connection and independence, healthy development requires both.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: So if you think your adult child has pulled away, it doesn't necessarily mean I don't want you anymore.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it means I need you to relate to me differently.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: The other day I was talking to a parent who told me her daughter was always angry with her because she often wouldn't acknowledge her when she came into the house.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: But when I talked to the daughter, she told me she just needed her quiet time at the end of the day, that she didn't always feel chatty, and that it had nothing to do with her mom.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: Now that's an important distinction.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we interpret our adult child's behavior through the lens of our own ego, when in fact their behavior may have very little to do with us.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: Your job now is to become the kind of parent that your adult child can have a healthy adult relationship with.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: For some, that may take a bit of time, especially if there's been some past challenges.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: But adult children can be very forgiving towards their parents.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: They just want to know that you care enough to try.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: So can you put aside your ego and your expectations and be open to this new adult relationship?
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because they want to.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: That's why I love talking to parents and their young adults.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: I get to hear both versions.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, I wish you could hear what I hear.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: Truth is, you could hear.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: If only you weren't afraid to ask.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: Or you knew how.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I wrote launch scripts to help parents turn uncomfortable conversations into more meaningful ones.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: And with practice, it really does get easier.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, it's always difficult to hear when they've been hurt, or when the version of themselves is not in alignment with your expectations, but that permission to share is exactly what they need from you.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: As I wrap up this episode, I hope that there's something here that you can take away.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: You know your adult child is struggling, but I don't want you to be in the dark about what's really going on beneath the surface.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: I think they do want a relationship with you, just a different one.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: And that relationship can be one of the most powerful influences in helping them find their way out into the world.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: As much as I enjoy working with young adults, even I can't do this without you.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: So imagine how they feel.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: If you enjoy listening to Launch, please take a moment to rate and review the podcast, as it will help us reach more parents just like you who are trying to help their adult kids launch.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: Remember to hit the follow button so you never miss an episode, especially because the next one is with the esteemed Dr.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: Mark McConville, the author of the groundbreaking book Failure to Launch.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: And as always, thank you for joining me.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe one day we'll have the pleasure of meeting.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: Until then, I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch.