Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 149: How Empathetic Are You?: The Story of Jack the Lumberjack

Transcript

149: How Empathetic Are You?: The Story of Jack the Lumberjack · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:21
  Well, hello, and welcome back.
• 0:22
  My name is MaryAnn Walker.
• 0:24
  And today I am your empathy coach.
• 0:26
  We're going to be talking about empathy today.
• 0:28
  And because the subconscious mind can sometimes be more receptive than the conscious mind, we're going to be talking about empathy through the lens of story today.
• 0:38
  As we've talked about here on the podcast before, the brain oftentimes wants to be right more than it wants to be happy, and many times then this actually creates more distance than connection when we are engaging with others.
• 0:49
  Now, to be fair, it is human nature to want to be right.
• 0:53
  It is human nature to only see things from our own perspective.
• 0:57
  And since that is our natural state, sometimes it does take a little bit more concerted effort to remain open to gaining new information.
• 1:05
  Now to illustrate this point, I want to share with you a poem called The Cookie Thief by Valerie Cox.
• 1:11
  A woman was waiting at an airport one night with several long hours before her flight.
• 1:15
  She hunted for a book in the airport shops, bought a bag of cookies, and found a place to drop.
• 1:20
  She was engrossed in her book, but happened to see that the man sitting beside her, as bold as could be, grabbed a cookie or two from the bag in between, which she tried to ignore to avoid a scene.
• 1:32
  So she munched the cookies and watched the clock as the gutsy cookie thief diminished her stock.
• 1:38
  She was getting more irritated as the minutes ticked by, thinking if I wasn't so nice I would blacken his eye.
• 1:44
  With each cookie she took, he took one too.
• 1:47
  When only one was left, she wondered what he would do.
• 1:50
  With a smile on his face and a nervous laugh, he took the last cookie.
• 1:55
  And he broke it in half.
• 1:58
  He offered her half as he ate the other.
• 2:00
  She snatched it from him and thought, Oh brother, this guy has some nerve and he's also rude.
• 2:05
  Why didn't he even show any gratitude?
• 2:08
  She had never known when she had been so galled and sighed with relief when her flight was called.
• 2:15
  She gathered her belongings and headed to the gate, refusing to look back at the thieving ingrate.
• 2:21
  She boarded the plane and sank in her seat.
• 2:24
  Then she sought her book, which was almost complete.
• 2:27
  As she reached into her baggage, she gasped in surprise.
• 2:32
  There was her bag of cookies in front of her eyes.
• 2:35
  If mine are here, she moaned in despair, the others were his.
• 2:40
  And he tried to share.
• 2:41
  Too late to apologize, she realized with grief that she was the rude one, the ingrate, the thief.
• 2:48
  Now, I know that the point of the story is clear, but sometimes we are so certain of our own story that it's hard to see that we might be missing some valuable information, especially when it comes to our perceptions of others.
• 3:01
  We have been so conditioned to categorize people.
• 3:05
  And, really, once we've been told a certain narrative, and this narrative might be told by either ourselves or by other people, but once we've categorized a certain group of people into a certain narrative, it can be really hard to believe that any other narrative could possibly be true.
• 3:19
  But, seeking to know what else might be true is the sign of true emotional maturity.
• 3:25
  So, how can we open ourselves up to learning more?
• 3:29
  Through compassionate inquiry.
• 3:30
  That's what's going to lead to that empathy and understanding.
• 3:34
  When we want to prove that we are right, then we're more likely to tell someone their experience rather than ask someone their experience.
• 3:43
  So I want you to think about a recent interaction that you might have had with somebody who shared a different life experience from you or a different opinion from you.
• 3:52
  How did that conversation flow?
• 3:54
  Did you just share and push for your narrative?
• 3:57
  Were you making inquiries about their narrative?
• 4:00
  Did you take a moment to check in with them?
• 4:03
  Was it comfortable to ask them questions or was it uncomfortable?
• 4:06
  Just kind of notice as you reflect on that experience what's coming up for you.
• 4:10
  Is there discomfort for you around a certain subject, or around a certain population?
• 4:16
  And if so, what's the problem, and with who, and why?
• 4:21
  So some questions that you might ask someone when you are working to have this compassionate inquiry is, Hey, can you tell me more about this experience and how it impacted you?
• 4:30
  What about your family?
• 4:31
  How does it impact them?
• 4:33
  What is your personal experience around this issue?
• 4:38
  Now, once you've opened yourself up to the idea that there might be more to learn, and that there may be more than one narrative around the situation, then it's a good time to practice empathy and understanding.
• 4:50
  Now, empathy and understanding does come a bit easier for some than others, but it is always worth leaning into that and trying to better understand another person's situation.
• 4:59
  I've talked before on here, and maybe I'll link it here in the show notes, but there's basically three kinds of empathizers.
• 5:04
  So there's the cognitive empathizers that really need things explained to them.
• 5:07
  There's the highly sensitive people that empathize through related experience.
• 5:11
  And then there's the true empaths that literally feel what other people are feeling.
• 5:14
  And each of these kind of have pros and cons to it.
• 5:16
  I'll list that in the show notes.
• 5:18
  Um, so as I'm talking about this empathy, I know and understand that everybody empathizes differently, so just kind of get curious about how it is that you create empathy and understanding for other people.
• 5:27
  There's no wrong answers here, but leaning into that empathy and understanding and acknowledging that there is more than one narrative can really help to deepen not only empathy and connection, but also emotional intelligence.
• 5:39
  And now it is time for another story.
• 5:41
  This one is written by yours truly.
• 5:43
  And I've decided to title it, Jack the Lumberjack.
• 5:46
  Now, Jack the Lumberjack was hard at work one day when a horrible accident occurred.
• 5:51
  He lost his right arm.
• 5:53
  He was in pain and in shock, and he struggled to really make sense of what was happening.
• 5:57
  He felt very disoriented and afraid.
• 6:00
  Joe was the first one to walk by.
• 6:02
  And when Joe walked by Jack, he looked at him out of the corner of his eye.
• 6:06
  And as he walked away, he said under his breath, I'm glad that's not me.
• 6:11
  A few moments later, then Benny arrived.
• 6:12
  He looked at Jack, shook his head, and said, Well, Jack, you must have known that this could have happened.
• 6:17
  You're a lumberjack, after all.
• 6:19
  You took on the risk when you took this job.
• 6:21
  So, yeah, I'm sorry, but what did you expect was gonna happen?
• 6:26
  Next came Sam.
• 6:27
  Sam smiled and said, Well, being left handed is better anyway.
• 6:30
  We have our own pair of scissors and everything.
• 6:33
  You'll be much happier in the long run.
• 6:35
  This was probably just meant to be.
• 6:37
  Focus on the bright side.
• 6:39
  Then Stan arrived.
• 6:41
  Stan frowned and he said, I saw on the news the other night that lumberjacks are the most clumsy of all people, and they shouldn't be trusted with any sharp objects, let alone chainsaws.
• 6:51
  Have you ever thought about becoming a plumber instead?
• 6:54
  Eventually, Todd showed up, and he furrowed his brow, and he crossed his arms, and he said, You're not the victim here.
• 7:00
  The real victims are the trees.
• 7:01
  They have had their lives cut short because of you.
• 7:04
  And so this is just karma.
• 7:06
  You got what you deserved.
• 7:08
  Now, at this point, Jack is just stunned.
• 7:10
  He had spent years working as a lumberjack to provide for his family, and now his very real pain was being dismissed and his suffering minimized simply because other people had opinions.
• 7:22
  The words that he was hearing from those around him, they were only adding to his already significant pain.
• 7:30
  Then Larry arrived.
• 7:31
  Unlike the others, Larry didn't lecture and he didn't judge.
• 7:35
  Instead, he rushed over to Jack and he knelt beside him and said, Jack, it looks like you're in a lot of pain.
• 7:40
  Let's get you some help.
• 7:42
  And he loaded him up in the truck to take him to get some care.
• 7:45
  Once the wound had been treated, And Jack was ready to go home, then Larry said, Hey, Jack, how can I help?
• 7:52
  What is it that you need?
• 7:53
  And Jack was a little bit shy, but he said, Could you help me with my shirt?
• 7:58
  It has buttons on it, and I don't know how to do them up on my own.
• 8:01
  Could you help me?
• 8:03
  And Larry did.
• 8:04
  Once Jack was back to his home, then Larry asked him again.
• 8:07
  He said, Jack, what is it that you need?
• 8:09
  How can I help?
• 8:10
  And Jack said, Well, would you mind opening a can of soup for my supper for me?
• 8:15
  And Larry helped.
• 8:17
  Now, weeks went by, and Jack started to heal, both physically and emotionally.
• 8:21
  And one day, his friend Larry stopped by, and he could see Jack smiling, and he said, Jack, how are you?
• 8:27
  How can I help you?
• 8:27
  What do you need?
• 8:29
  And Jack smiled, feeling a little bit more confident now, and he said, You know, I'm doing a lot better than I was.
• 8:34
  I think I'm ready to go back to work now, and I know I can't be a lumberjack anymore.
• 8:39
  Would you mind helping me to write some resumes for new jobs and maybe call around to get some referrals, that would really help.
• 8:46
  And Larry helped.
• 8:48
  Now you might notice that throughout this story, we never actually know how it is that Larry felt about lumberjacks or how Larry felt about the trees.
• 8:56
  but we do know how it is that Larry felt about his friend Jack.
• 9:00
  And that's what made all of the difference.
• 9:03
  Now, during these times of division, let's remember that every group is made up of individuals.
• 9:08
  And people need our kindness, our understanding, and our care.
• 9:12
  We really can heal the world one friend and one compassionate act at a time.
• 9:19
  So in this world where everything can feel like a lot, then sometimes that's the very best thing to do is to pick one person and to see how you can help.
• 9:27
  See how you can better understand their experience and their story.
• 9:30
  So yes, take some time to be an advocate for lumberjack safety, or for the trees, or for whatever else you're passionate about.
• 9:39
  And also Don't neglect that very real wound.
• 9:43
  We are really going through a significant transition right now as a country, and it's really easy to other, or devalue other people's experiences.
• 9:52
  Right?
• 9:52
  Because we want to be right! So remember, be kind.
• 9:56
  Ask questions.
• 9:57
  Reach out to individuals to better understand their experiences.
• 10:01
  Ask questions before asserting what it is that you think might be best for them.
• 10:06
  And yeah, you can be an internet warrior if you want to, and also I highly encourage you to show up for local events that really help to increase awareness around various issues, that help you to deepen your own level of empathy and understanding about how current things are impacting individuals in your community.
• 10:24
  Empathy really can change the world, and we need it now more than ever.
• 10:28
  So this week I challenge you, have a conversation where you lead with curiosity instead of assumption.
• 10:32
  Ask somebody, hey, can you help me to better understand your perspective on this?
• 10:37
  And see where that takes you.
• 10:39
  If you are struggling to know how to better empathize with somebody that feels differently from you, come and work with me.
• 10:44
  If you need help tending to your nervous system right now because you're essentially in emotional triage, come and work with me.
• 10:51
  If you're feeling alone and othered, I guarantee you that you are not.
• 10:54
  Come and work with me.
• 10:57
  If you're wanting to help out with everything going on in the world right now but you don't know how, I have included a link in my show notes where you can make a donation to be a sponsor for someone who is in need of coaching but can't currently afford it right now.
• 11:09
  You can also find links where you can come and apply to work with me.
• 11:13
  Also, just for those who have already made a donation, thank you so much.
• 11:16
  It really is having significant impact.
• 11:18
  So thank you.
• 11:20
  Now again, don't forget to check out the show notes for links to my other resources as well as all my contact information.
• 11:26
  I am going to be posting the Jack the Lumberjack story on my social media, so come and find me there if you want to be able to quickly share with friends.
• 11:33
  just love it when people start conversations specifically around empathy and how to better understand each other.
• 11:38
  So yeah, feel free to share this episode or whatever clips are on my social media, and make sure to subscribe for more.
• 11:44
  All right, well hey, I really genuinely love you guys, and I'll talk to you soon.
• 11:48
  Bye now.