Latest / Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist / S3E21 - Helping Kids Speak Up in Co-Parenting Situations

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S3E21 - Helping Kids Speak Up in Co-Parenting Situations · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

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  You're listening to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast
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  with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  Hi,
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  I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
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  The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give you insight,
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  awareness,
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  and enlightenment about your parenting and your relationship with your kids.
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  In today's episode,
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  I'm answering a question from Deborah,
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  and this is about
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  Co-parenting and going back and forth between homes and navigating
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  that dynamic
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  in a family structure.
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  So,
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  Deborah,
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  thank you for the email.
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  I think this is gonna be really helpful.
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  We'll dive into that in just a second.
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  I just wanted to say a quick thank you.
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  For those of you who have been emailing and reaching out,
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  asking questions,
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  and for the many of you that have said
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  that this podcast helps you better understand your children,
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  it helps you better relate to your children.
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  It gives you awareness about how to parent differently.
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  You are
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  all why I do this podcast.
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  And so,
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  those are so meaningful when I get those messages
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  that say that this is having the effect that I hope that it has.
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  I'm really thrilled to hear that.
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  And I just wanted to say thank you to all of you who have reached out and,
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  and let me know what this podcast has done for you.
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  I've been doing this podcast a really long time.
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  And it's been so exciting to see how it has grown and the impact that it's having.
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  So,
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  thank you to those of you that have let
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  me know that it has been meaningful and helpful.
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  And for those of you that are new or maybe you've only listened to a few episodes,
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  I hope that you will find the same thing,
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  that the more you dive into this knowledge,
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  the more you understand the child-centered play therapy,
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  parenting approach.
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  The more it changes you,
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  the more it changes your relationship with your children,
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  your parenting approach,
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  your family dynamic,
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  everything.
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  It,
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  it all starts with deeply understanding that relationship
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  is at the heart of everything we do.
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  And when we start there,
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  everything flows out of that.
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  So,
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  appreciate those of you that have reached out and
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  let me know what this has meant to you.
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  All right,
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  so let's read parts of Deborah's email,
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  and then we will process together.
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  I wanted to pose a question for you.
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  My oldest bonus son is 12.
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  He is primarily with me and his dad,
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  but goes to his mom's on weekends and majority of his school breaks.
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  For the last year,
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  he's made multiple comments about not wanting to go to his mom's house.
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  We don't have any court worked out,
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  parenting or shared time agreement,
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  as we have always been amicable.
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  He brought up that he doesn't want to spend the majority of his winter break
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  at his mom's house this year as he prefers to spend his time with us.
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  His dad believes that if he doesn't want to go,
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  that he needs to say something to his mom instead of us,
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  his other parents doing it.
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  He had a past negative encounter with his mom on this topic where
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  he voiced his feelings about not wanting to be at her house,
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  and according to him,
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  she told him he was being rude.
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  Should we encourage him to try voicing this again
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  in hopes it might go better,
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  or is there a better way to deal with this situation?
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  Really helpful question,
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  very consistent dilemma.
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  I,
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  I'm faced with a question like this pretty regularly,
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  especially when I meet with parents at my office.
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  So,
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  Deborah,
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  thank you so much for reaching out.
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  I think first and foremost,
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  we have to understand
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  that even at 12,
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  your stepson is still not.
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  Developed in his abstract reasoning.
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  He's still not verbal,
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  he's still not cognitive.
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  So while he's getting there,
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  he's kind of coming up on that turn.
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  13 or so is when boys develop abstract reasoning.
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  So,
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  in the next year or so,
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  it will start to form,
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  but he's still not there.
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  And although
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  he probably can articulate and he is more verbal and he can have conversation,
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  and he does think,
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  it's not to a point where
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  that's his comfort zone,
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  especially
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  if there's emotion involved.
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  So whereas at your house
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  with you and his father,
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  There might be less emotional.
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  Vibe
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  And so he can be more cognitive and rational and verbal
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  if at mom's,
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  if he
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  is upset or frustrated or irritated or
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  uncomfortable or whatever the dynamic may be,
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  emotions are always going to override,
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  and this is true for all of your children at any age.
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  They are emotional beings.
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  They are here and now experiential feeling beings.
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  So when feelings get big,
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  when emotions get big,
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  for better or worse,
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  it can be happy,
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  overwhelming,
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  not,
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  not angry or sad,
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  overwhelming.
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  Sometimes they're so excited,
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  they're so giddy,
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  they're so joyful,
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  they're running around like chickens with their heads cut off.
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  That is overwhelmed emotionally,
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  even when it's positive.
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  They can't think.
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  They can't reason,
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  they can't be rational.
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  So I suspect that the one time he tried.
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  And it became even more emotional
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  than what it probably already was for him,
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  because
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  if she accused him of being rude,
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  I suspect that that was probably a pretty tense conversation.
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  And I think he probably was like,
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  OK,
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  never doing that again.
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  It was hard enough for him to do the verbal cognitive approach in the first place,
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  and then it didn't
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  end positively.
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  So what we have to understand is,
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  even as kids mature.
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  And we see development of this stuff,
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  it's still not comfortable for them.
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  And there are certainly 1011,
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  12 year olds that are very talkative,
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  very conversational,
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  very mature,
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  very capable of having a cognitive-based conversation.
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  It appears.
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  But developmentally,
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  that's not
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  their forte.
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  They are not capable
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  in the way that we are.
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  To process,
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  think,
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  reason.
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  Rationalize all of those things,
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  even if they present as they are,
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  they're not.
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  12 or 13 is the abstract reasoning development.
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  The brain continues to develop until the age of 25.
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  So,
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  at 12,
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  they're not even quite halfway
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  to full brain development.
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  We have to keep that in mind.
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  This is how adulthood bias impacts us.
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  We forget what it's like to be kids
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  and therefore we hold them to unreal unrealistic and unreasonable expectations.
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  So Deborah,
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  I think
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  this is probably,
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  he does not feel comfortable having that discussion.
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  I fully believe what you and your husband believe
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  that
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  He should address this
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  because if it comes from you both,
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  it's going to likely be perceived differently than if it comes directly from him.
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  So I fully support and agree with,
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  if it comes from him,
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  there's no misinterpretation,
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  there's no frustration,
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  there's no like,
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  you were put up to this,
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  whatever.
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  If it comes out of his mouth,
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  it's going to be received differently than if it comes from you or his dad.
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  However,
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  I think this is likely very uncomfortable for him.
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  And so
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  we want him to have buy-in,
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  we want him to have ownership.
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  We want him to take the reins on this.
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  So at this point,
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  it seems to me it would make more sense to provide him with choices
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  of how
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  he would like to present this.
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  So,
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  OK,
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  buddy,
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  you really want
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  mom to know that you don't really want to go there.
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  But she needs to know that this is coming from you.
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  She needs to know that this is how you feel.
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  She needs to hear this directly from you because if it comes from anyone else,
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  she can say that that's not really how you feel.
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  So,
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  I think talking him through why it's important that he has some ownership
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  is going to be valuable.
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  But then here's where this changes.
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  He's not comfortable
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  telling her himself right now,
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  but he can have some buy-in as far as how he would like to tell her.
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  So
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  you could choose to write her a letter,
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  you could choose to
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  have a conversation with her,
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  with someone else in the room.
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  You could choose to.
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  Call her on the phone and talk to her about it.
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  You can choose,
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  and now all of a sudden you're equipping him with options,
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  and then once he chooses one.
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  He has the commitment,
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  the ownership,
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  the assumption of responsibility for the outcome.
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  All of those things then are back in his control.
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  I'm not sure that he feels capable
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  of having that discussion,
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  just him and her alone
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  at his mom's house.
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  But I suspect that he would feel comfortable with other alternatives.
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  And once he makes the choice,
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  there's buy-in there.
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  Because if you just say,
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  well,
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  why don't you write her a letter?
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  You took responsibility for that.
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  He doesn't have the ownership of it.
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  So you provide him with options.
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  He chooses which one that he prefers,
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  and then there's ownership of outcome
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  based on the fact that he took the responsibility for making that decision.
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  I think often when a parent responds
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  negatively to a child being honest.
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  It's because they are listening
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  to words instead of what the child is actually saying.
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  So this is just kind of a bonus freebie.
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  I just,
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  I felt compelled to share this.
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  Often
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  we get caught up in what a child says.
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  And we focus on that instead of
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  why is this conversation taking place,
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  because kids aren't eloquent,
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  kids aren't verbal,
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  they aren't good at communicating.
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  So sometimes they say things and we focus
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  solely on the words
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  and we completely miss
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  what's the message behind the words.
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  I think maybe his mom
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  said,
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  you're just being rude
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  because maybe he said it in a tone that seemed a little bit rude.
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  Maybe he said it in a way that seemed a little bit callous.
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  Maybe it seemed a little bit insensitive to her feelings.
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  I think that clouded
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  the message itself,
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  and we do this a lot.
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  If a kid says,
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  I hate you.
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  We
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  go off the rails
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  because a child says they hate us.
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  You don't ever say that to me,
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  blah blah.
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  Now,
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  if you don't feel that's appropriate for your child to say to you,
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  you can set a limit on those words.
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  I am never for saying that too.
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  But don't get so caught up in the words that you miss what your child is saying.
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  I'm really angry.
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  I am really hurt.
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  I am really disappointed.
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  I'm really feeling like this relationship is fractured right now.
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  And I don't know any other way to say that to you
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  other than I hate you because that's what kids say to each other
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  when they're on the playground and someone takes the toy
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  and throws mulch at them.
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  I don't want to be your friend anymore.
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  I hate you.
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  That's their way of saying I'm done right now.
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  And then they end up playing together the next day and everything is back to normal.
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  But
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  we get caught up in the way things are said or the words that are said,
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  and we completely lose the why.
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  So
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  I'm thinking maybe mom left lost the why there.
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  And
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  let that impact her emotionally rather than actually processing
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  what is my son actually trying to say to me.
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  So it might be better received through a different channel or method,
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  because then the tone and the vibe and all of that
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  would shift.
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  So just kind of a related aside thought on that.
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  Deborah,
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  my hope is that if you and his dad.
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  Give him some options that he would choose from those
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  and
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  you know,
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  maybe that means he wants you all in the room
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  and you all don't say anything,
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  but he wants someone else there.
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  Maybe it's that he's better at communicating when
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  he's not having to look at someone,
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  so he would rather have a phone call or he would rather
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  write a letter or he would rather send a text message.
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  There are ways that he can express this where he would feel more comfortable,
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  and it's about him deciding what that looks like.
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  And then taking ownership of that outcome.
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  So I hope that that is helpful.
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  Again,
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  Deborah,
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  thank you for the email.
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  I appreciate you.
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  I love y'all.
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  Keep loving your kids.
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  Talk again soon.
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  Bye.
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  Thank you for listening to
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  the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
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  please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.