Latest / Learned the Hard Way with Kier Gaines / EP 3: Why Men Stay Loyal to Friends Who Don't Really Know Them

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EP 3: Why Men Stay Loyal to Friends Who Don't Really Know Them · Learned the Hard Way with Kier Gaines

0:06
Speaker 1: Welcome to Learn the Hard Way. My name is Ki Gaines.
0:09
Speaker 1: We talk about purpose, we talk about pressure, we talk
0:12
Speaker 1: about what it actually takets become a full comprehensive man.
0:16
Speaker 1: Hey it was up, y'all. Welcome back to another episode
0:19
Speaker 1: to Learn the Hard Way. This podcast is one of
0:22
Speaker 1: my favorite things to do because it's not often that
0:25
Speaker 1: I just get to talk these issues out in front
0:28
Speaker 1: of a bunch of people that understand. So thank you
0:31
Speaker 1: in advance for your awareness, and thank y'all for being here. Man,
0:35
Speaker 1: it really really means a lot to do. Today we're
0:40
Speaker 1: talking about male friendships, which is one of those subjects
0:45
Speaker 1: that gets talked about a lot, like we spread it
0:47
Speaker 1: around really wide, but we don't really dig deep into
0:50
Speaker 1: the conversation one and two. I feel like when we
0:54
Speaker 1: had these conversations it's through the lens of pathologizing men
0:58
Speaker 1: or framing what's wrong with men. One thing that I
1:02
Speaker 1: want to say before we even have this conversation just
1:05
Speaker 1: around male friendships is a lot of men struggle to
1:09
Speaker 1: maintain and sustain friendships. It's not a secret you go
1:13
Speaker 1: on social media, everybody talking about it all the time.
1:16
Speaker 1: But one thing that I think we get wrong is
1:19
Speaker 1: this idea that those men are always sad or depressed,
1:23
Speaker 1: or angry or fundamentally anti social. You don't have to
1:28
Speaker 1: be any of those things to still struggle with making
1:33
Speaker 1: and sustaining friendships. So one thing we want to get
1:35
Speaker 1: off in this episode, Real Live Man. One thing we
1:38
Speaker 1: got to get off in this episode is not just
1:41
Speaker 1: talking about what men are doing wrong. It's also talking
1:44
Speaker 1: about how to help you through it. We see the problem,
1:49
Speaker 1: we've identified the problem, We've identified all everything that contributes
1:52
Speaker 1: to the problem. Today, I want to talk about what
1:55
Speaker 1: to do about it. Let's be actionable. Let's take steps
1:58
Speaker 1: towards some type of solution. Now I've had here. Have
2:02
Speaker 1: you struggled with your friendships in the past? Man? What
2:07
Speaker 1: absolutely even me? All this therapist knowledge, all this information
2:11
Speaker 1: I have, I've still struggled with my friendship because I'm
2:13
Speaker 1: human and I can't read anybody else's mind. And sometimes
2:17
Speaker 1: people are closed off and it stops me from getting
2:19
Speaker 1: to them. And sometimes I'm closed off and it stops
2:22
Speaker 1: them from getting to me. I'm not a mune. Guys,
2:25
Speaker 1: just because you know better, that don't always mean you
2:27
Speaker 1: do better. And I'm saving space for that. That's okay,
2:31
Speaker 1: but this is our attempt to get it all out
2:33
Speaker 1: in the open and do better right here, right now.
2:36
Speaker 1: So the first dynamic I notice is not speaking up
2:39
Speaker 1: when your friends aren't taking accountability. A good example is
2:43
Speaker 1: what I call a grown ass man theory. And if
2:46
Speaker 1: you hear men talk, sometimes they'll have a friend who's
2:49
Speaker 1: doing something they're not supposed to do, and someone will question, hey,
2:52
Speaker 1: why don't you stop them, Why don't you intervene, why
2:54
Speaker 1: don't you say something? And what's the response, Man, he
2:58
Speaker 1: a grown ass man responsible for himself, or he's a
3:03
Speaker 1: grown ass man. I'm not about to try to hold
3:05
Speaker 1: his hand through life. And that's because men are expected
3:09
Speaker 1: to be independent to the point of being hyper independent.
3:13
Speaker 1: That's number one. I think that a lot of us
3:16
Speaker 1: have this deeply rooted idea that a lot of other
3:21
Speaker 1: men are ass holes at ask as holes. And an
3:25
Speaker 1: ass hole is somebody who may ask a question or
3:30
Speaker 1: may say that they need help, but when you give
3:32
Speaker 1: them their advice, they don't take it, they don't listen,
3:34
Speaker 1: they go the other way. It's like the ask whatever
3:38
Speaker 1: you did to satisfy that went into a whole. So
3:41
Speaker 1: we don't try and we'll say something like, man, he
3:42
Speaker 1: ain't gonna listen in any way. He's gonna do what
3:45
Speaker 1: he's going to do. Grown ass man theory. It's a
3:48
Speaker 1: hands up a that's his problem, not mine. Throwt some prayers, buddy,
3:52
Speaker 1: hope everything works out for you. That dynamic doesn't really
3:56
Speaker 1: work in close in a personal relationship. Man. Now. The
4:01
Speaker 1: second dynamic I notice is when men keep too many
4:04
Speaker 1: relationships surface level. And let me tell you. I'm a
4:08
Speaker 1: big fan of Oh that's broke from the gym. What's up, bro?
4:11
Speaker 1: How you bad? I ain't seeing you in a minute.
4:13
Speaker 1: How your mom? That's what's up. That's what's up. You're
4:15
Speaker 1: still working out? Oh yeah, that's cool. Where you're working now? Ah? Yeah, Hey,
4:19
Speaker 1: it's good catching up with dressing you next time. Yeah,
4:22
Speaker 1: I stay safe, bruh. Ask me that dude's name. I can't.
4:27
Speaker 1: I can't tell you that brother's name. I don't know
4:30
Speaker 1: because that relationship is very surface level. We just kind
4:33
Speaker 1: of touch and go. Our relationship isn't really dependent on
4:37
Speaker 1: me knowing any real information about them. The interaction is
4:41
Speaker 1: kind of like the centerpiece. That's the thing, and anything
4:44
Speaker 1: on the periphery of that interaction just doesn't matter as
4:47
Speaker 1: much in my mind so much. Now, that's that's okay
4:51
Speaker 1: with some friendships, but when it extends the multiple friendships,
4:55
Speaker 1: it becomes a problem and we gotta start questioning the
4:57
Speaker 1: quality these friendships that we have. Now number three. The
5:01
Speaker 1: other two were on other people, but number three is
5:04
Speaker 1: on us. And that's this dynamic is not listening when
5:07
Speaker 1: people tell us that we're not showing up the way
5:10
Speaker 1: they need us to or the way that we need to,
5:13
Speaker 1: and it's hard. Criticism is hard, man. I used to
5:17
Speaker 1: tell man. I used to teach a class and I
5:20
Speaker 1: told them all the time, if you are expecting for
5:23
Speaker 1: criticism to feel good, you are wasting your time because
5:26
Speaker 1: it is not designed to feel good. It's designed to
5:30
Speaker 1: inform you of something that may be beyond your awareness.
5:34
Speaker 1: Just take a moment and ask yourself when somebody tells
5:38
Speaker 1: me something that's uncomfortable or maybe I'm not really in
5:41
Speaker 1: a place to hear, what's my first response because mine
5:45
Speaker 1: used to be the deflect. Man, Now you tripping the
5:47
Speaker 1: ain't how it is, Or I don't go off of
5:50
Speaker 1: the action, I'll go smooth off of my intention. Oh
5:53
Speaker 1: that's not what I meant. So that's just the way
5:55
Speaker 1: you took it, and I'll talk about it later in
5:58
Speaker 1: the episode. But I think it's vast value, bruh its
6:01
Speaker 1: value of slowing down and just saying, hold, look what
6:03
Speaker 1: you mean by that? Just getting curious? What do you see?
6:07
Speaker 1: What do you see that I'm missing? Put me on
6:09
Speaker 1: what's up? And you know, sometimes they hurt your feels
6:12
Speaker 1: with what they saying, but they're giving you information that
6:15
Speaker 1: falls into your blind spot and that has helped me
6:19
Speaker 1: become a way better friend, ask better questions, check in
6:23
Speaker 1: and tap in with the bros had a much, much,
6:26
Speaker 1: much more friendly frequency than it used to be. Now
6:30
Speaker 1: this is my wall of shame, my hall of failures.
6:33
Speaker 1: There's so many ways that I haven't always been a
6:36
Speaker 1: good friend. When home, when I know one of the
6:39
Speaker 1: homies wasn't living right, I didn't say nothing. I just
6:42
Speaker 1: stayed silent. I gave him a grown ass man theory. Dang,
6:45
Speaker 1: that's crazy. Can't believe he living like that. I hope
6:48
Speaker 1: it works out for him. I didn't intervene. I just
6:50
Speaker 1: let it be. I saw when friends were switching up,
6:56
Speaker 1: like we got around women, or we got around a
6:58
Speaker 1: couple people they didn't know the voice changed. We talked
7:01
Speaker 1: about code switching before they switched up their whole tempo,
7:04
Speaker 1: and they became somebody that I didn't recognize. And I
7:06
Speaker 1: didn't pull them to the side. I just let them
7:08
Speaker 1: cook with that behavior, knowing that it wasn't doing them
7:11
Speaker 1: any favors. I just I let them go do that.
7:13
Speaker 1: That wasn't my problem at the time. That's that's your
7:16
Speaker 1: cross to bed, not mine, right. I had homies that
7:19
Speaker 1: used to talk about all these big plans. Yeah, Bro,
7:21
Speaker 1: I'm gonna start a business and we're gonna wapop, but
7:24
Speaker 1: wop bam boom, and it never takes off, It never
7:27
Speaker 1: leaves the ground. I didn't challenge Bro to live the
7:30
Speaker 1: high as potential. I just allow him to talk himself
7:33
Speaker 1: into feeling good instead of move himself into being good.
7:37
Speaker 1: I didn't force any action. Were not forced, that's not
7:40
Speaker 1: the right word. But I didn't encourage him to be
7:42
Speaker 1: actionable about any of that. And I think if you
7:44
Speaker 1: love somebody, one of the highest forms of love is
7:47
Speaker 1: holding them accountable to the things that they say. I've
7:51
Speaker 1: had so many friends talk to me about an argument
7:55
Speaker 1: they got into with anybody's and arguments, and at first
7:58
Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah, that's they talked to you like that.
8:00
Speaker 1: That's wow, what did you do? And the more that
8:02
Speaker 1: they talk, the more my friend talks to the more
8:04
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, oh, oh, you you was the wrong
8:08
Speaker 1: one here. Oh I'm on the wrong team.
8:13
Speaker 2: Bro.
8:13
Speaker 1: You fil You shouldn't have done it that way. And
8:16
Speaker 1: you know, foul is a judgment, but it's sometimes you
8:19
Speaker 1: got to call it like it is, like, ah, that
8:21
Speaker 1: wasn't it and you want me to stick beside you
8:24
Speaker 1: in this one? But I didn't say anything. I just
8:26
Speaker 1: let them be wrong out loud. Those are things that
8:29
Speaker 1: I've worked on in my life a little bit by
8:32
Speaker 1: little bit, to the point now where I don't do
8:35
Speaker 1: them anymore. I don't do them at the same capacity.
8:38
Speaker 1: And I'll tell y'all, my friendships are a lot more
8:41
Speaker 1: rich because of that, you feel me. They're deeper, they
8:44
Speaker 1: they we talk about more stuff, we have more interactions.
8:48
Speaker 1: It's more meaningful, it's more fruitful. And it wasn't like
8:52
Speaker 1: that before when I was staying silent. And I think
8:54
Speaker 1: that saying something is the first step to doing something. Now,
8:58
Speaker 1: those are things that I've done. Am I proud of it? Nah?
9:03
Speaker 1: Like I wish I would have spoke up in a moment.
9:05
Speaker 1: I wish I would have done more in a moment,
9:06
Speaker 1: but I didn't. And I'm not going to beat myself
9:09
Speaker 1: up over something that I can't do anything about. That's
9:12
Speaker 1: not healthy and it's not hopeful. So now moving forward,
9:16
Speaker 1: I know that when I'm honest with the friends, when
9:19
Speaker 1: I'm honest with the homie, when I'm honest with the bro,
9:21
Speaker 1: there is a likelihood that he is going to take
9:24
Speaker 1: it the wrong way. And you got to prepare yourself
9:27
Speaker 1: for what happens next. And this is an opportunity to
9:30
Speaker 1: have a man a man conversation, and all the conversations
9:33
Speaker 1: don't have to happen at once. You can break them
9:34
Speaker 1: into little pieces. Man. They talk about the five love languages,
9:38
Speaker 1: acts of service, physical touch, and words of affirmation. But
9:42
Speaker 1: I think a slept on love language is holding the
9:46
Speaker 1: people that you care about account. It don't feel good,
9:50
Speaker 1: but it works all right. So I want to cure
9:53
Speaker 1: up this video from Professor Scott Galloway. He was a
9:56
Speaker 1: guest on the Today's Show, and he was actually talking
9:59
Speaker 1: about why men struggle with friendships. Check it out.
10:02
Speaker 2: Men aren't going to church, They're not going into work,
10:05
Speaker 2: they're not connecting to school, so where do they go to?
10:07
Speaker 1: Me? Friends?
10:08
Speaker 2: And then they're up against lifelike the deepest pockets in
10:12
Speaker 2: the world that are essentially trying to sequester them from
10:15
Speaker 2: the rest of society. We are literally saying to young men,
10:19
Speaker 2: you don't have to have relationships. We are becoming less mammals.
10:22
Speaker 2: It's as if we are producing or evolving a new
10:25
Speaker 2: species of asocial, asexual males. We have to create economic
10:30
Speaker 2: incentives and get people out, especially men who need relationships
10:34
Speaker 2: more than women. There's this cartoon of a woman in
10:36
Speaker 2: her thirties. What a tragedy she didn't find romantic love.
10:40
Speaker 1: Actually, the research shows.
10:41
Speaker 2: Men need relationships more than women. Widows are happier after
10:45
Speaker 2: their husband dies. Widowers are less happy. Women live two
10:48
Speaker 2: to four years longer in a relationship, men four to
10:51
Speaker 2: seven years longer. If a man hasn't cohabitated with a
10:54
Speaker 2: woman by the time he's thirty, there's a one to
10:56
Speaker 2: three chance he will be a substance abuser. Men need
10:59
Speaker 2: relate relationships. Relationships happen in person in some get off
11:03
Speaker 2: your phone, get out and touch drop me.
11:06
Speaker 1: I love. A lot of the points that he was
11:08
Speaker 1: making here. I think they're solid and it's steeped in research.
11:13
Speaker 1: But I gotta say this because when we have this
11:15
Speaker 1: conversation about men and male friendships, it always it has
11:19
Speaker 1: a tendency to shift into this direction. And I'm not
11:22
Speaker 1: saying that Scott is doing that here, but sometimes his
11:26
Speaker 1: words do have these underpinnings, and I want to have
11:29
Speaker 1: a broader conversation about this real fast. So when we
11:33
Speaker 1: have these conversations, sometimes there's a tendency to flatten men
11:36
Speaker 1: into these asexual undertouched chronically online and sell coded humans.
11:43
Speaker 1: And while the research does show that there is a
11:47
Speaker 1: group of men who fit all of these categories and
11:51
Speaker 1: they have a hard time finding friends, there are men
11:54
Speaker 1: who don't fit any of these categories that still have
11:58
Speaker 1: a hard time finding friends. And here's some of the
12:01
Speaker 1: other barriers to male friendships that I've noticed out here
12:04
Speaker 1: in a while. A lot of men simply don't trust
12:08
Speaker 1: other men with their feelings. And it's not like they
12:10
Speaker 1: see in ghosts. They have a legitimate reason as to why.
12:13
Speaker 1: A good example, I don't know if y'all ever seen
12:15
Speaker 1: that clip from the Breakfast Club where it was Donelle
12:18
Speaker 1: Rollins Ashy Larry and Charlemagne and DJ Envy and they
12:22
Speaker 1: were all there and Ashley Larry or Donnelle Rollins, the comedian.
12:25
Speaker 1: He cued it up by saying, man, I want to
12:27
Speaker 1: share something personal that I don't want y'all to laugh
12:30
Speaker 1: at you. And the boys on the pod was like, Man,
12:33
Speaker 1: we ain't gonna laugh at you, bro, what's up? Man?
12:35
Speaker 1: Donelle got out three words. He said something to the
12:38
Speaker 1: tune of man I feel like and Charlemagne bust out
12:42
Speaker 1: laughing and you can see Donell like, come on, man,
12:46
Speaker 1: this one share nothing with y'all now, I ain't gonna
12:49
Speaker 1: hold you. That clip is hilarious. It's funny. It's funny
12:52
Speaker 1: because he couldn't even get it out before they started laughing.
12:55
Speaker 1: But I think it also speaks to some a little
12:57
Speaker 1: deeper here. It speaks to some a little deeper. There
13:00
Speaker 1: are men who've expressed vulnerable things to other groups of men,
13:05
Speaker 1: and the response that they get you sound like a
13:08
Speaker 1: bitch right now? Whoa hold up? And because it's men,
13:16
Speaker 1: you have to have this mask of toughness and not
13:20
Speaker 1: being phased instead of saying, hold on, bro, that's crazy.
13:23
Speaker 1: I don't really sharing something with you. They don't push back,
13:25
Speaker 1: They just swallow it on say yeah, you right, Damn,
13:28
Speaker 1: that's crazy. I don't know why I thought I could
13:30
Speaker 1: share that with y'all. Never doing that again, and they
13:33
Speaker 1: begin a pattern of not trusting other men with their
13:35
Speaker 1: feelings that inhibits friendship a lot out here in the world.
13:40
Speaker 1: One of the reasons that I think men do that
13:42
Speaker 1: to each other is because it's really hard to give
13:45
Speaker 1: somebody what you've never had and what you've never experienced.
13:49
Speaker 1: And the way that male friendships and male bonding and
13:53
Speaker 1: the entire experience of boyhood up until your later teenage years,
13:59
Speaker 1: it's really simil around toughness and durability and the ability
14:05
Speaker 1: to overcome challenges regardless. It's about winning at the end.
14:10
Speaker 1: It's about conquering whatever life throws at you. And because
14:13
Speaker 1: those men probably have a hard time finding spaces where
14:17
Speaker 1: they can be that vulnerable, or maybe their heart just
14:20
Speaker 1: has a wall up because they experienced that same thing before,
14:24
Speaker 1: they have a hard time offering it to other men.
14:27
Speaker 1: And once that experience happens, once you go to a
14:30
Speaker 1: group of dudes and you're like, man, I really try
14:32
Speaker 1: and I really need some really need some feedback from
14:34
Speaker 1: y'all boys. Man, I need I need some I need
14:37
Speaker 1: some love right now, you know what I'm saying, and
14:39
Speaker 1: be honest, but I need some love. When you don't
14:41
Speaker 1: get that once and then you don't get that again
14:44
Speaker 1: and again and again and again and again, and it's
14:47
Speaker 1: not just you, it's this dude and that dude, and
14:50
Speaker 1: the dude down the street and the dude you went
14:52
Speaker 1: to high school with, that becomes a culture. It becomes
14:55
Speaker 1: a culture of men that don't provide that space because
14:58
Speaker 1: they don't have that space. And they don't have that
15:00
Speaker 1: space because they don't provide that space, and they don't
15:03
Speaker 1: you see what I'm saying. And it comes down to
15:05
Speaker 1: the point of they don't provide the space because they can't.
15:09
Speaker 1: I always say, you get better at the things that
15:11
Speaker 1: you practice. And when you don't practice that muscle or
15:15
Speaker 1: having that vulnerable space to just be real and be
15:17
Speaker 1: honest and speak your heart in atrophies like any other muscle.
15:22
Speaker 1: It disappears, it withers, and it loses its usage. And
15:27
Speaker 1: I've seen that time and time again. So that's one
15:29
Speaker 1: of the elements that adds to the reason that men
15:33
Speaker 1: have a hard time making and sustaining these close personal relationships.
15:38
Speaker 1: Another reason is one that I'm guilty of a lot
15:40
Speaker 1: of men just simply do not like being around men
15:43
Speaker 1: that they don't know. My wife will go to a
15:46
Speaker 1: restaurant and she said, I'll go to the bathroom and
15:48
Speaker 1: she'll leave and she'll come back with a best friend.
15:50
Speaker 1: They done talked about life, They talked about everything. And
15:54
Speaker 1: while I don't believe in measuring the way that men
15:58
Speaker 1: make friends against the way that women make friends, because
16:01
Speaker 1: we're two completely different cultures that practice things different ways
16:04
Speaker 1: and got different lived experiences, it does say something. Because
16:08
Speaker 1: sometimes my wife would invite me somewhere and I'm like,
16:10
Speaker 1: who's going. It's a bunch of dudes I don't know.
16:13
Speaker 1: Why would I go somewhere and be around some dudes
16:16
Speaker 1: I don't know and have to shuffle through their awkwardness
16:18
Speaker 1: and them trying to make conversation and me feeling like
16:22
Speaker 1: I have all the friends I need Already, I've been
16:25
Speaker 1: guilty of that too, and I ain't gonna hold you.
16:27
Speaker 1: I'm still like that to a certain degree, But just
16:31
Speaker 1: the phrase of why am I going to hang around
16:33
Speaker 1: some dudes I don't know? It limits your opportunity to
16:36
Speaker 1: make and expand your friendships, and you don't really in
16:40
Speaker 1: our adult lives, we don't always get to exercise the
16:43
Speaker 1: muscle of making friends the same way we do in
16:45
Speaker 1: our earlier years. When you're on the playground and you
16:48
Speaker 1: get to shoot your shot with a friend and get
16:49
Speaker 1: rejected and shoot your shot with a friend and they
16:51
Speaker 1: be like nah, and then you meet somebody like nah,
16:53
Speaker 1: you ain't really my vibe. We get to try friendship
16:55
Speaker 1: out a lot differently when we're younger than we do
16:58
Speaker 1: when we're older now, especially thirty five. Somebody said it
17:02
Speaker 1: on threads. If you are a man at the age
17:05
Speaker 1: of thirty five and you don't hate everything and everybody,
17:08
Speaker 1: you are living a good life. It's something about the
17:12
Speaker 1: age that just it makes us a little cut off.
17:15
Speaker 1: But I do want us to practice opening that up
17:19
Speaker 1: a little bit. And I ain't saying go somewhere where
17:21
Speaker 1: you don't know nobody and just start cold calling and
17:24
Speaker 1: make it, you know, be the guy that never met
17:26
Speaker 1: a stranger. If that's not you, that's not you. But
17:29
Speaker 1: if we open that apperture just a little bit, man,
17:32
Speaker 1: I think that we give life an opportunity to surprise us.
17:36
Speaker 1: Another reason that men have a hard time making friends
17:39
Speaker 1: sometimes is a change in life or a change in
17:42
Speaker 1: pace when you get married. I've been married for six
17:45
Speaker 1: and a half years now. We could talk about that
17:48
Speaker 1: on another episode. But when you get married, the tempo
17:52
Speaker 1: of your life changes, your focus changes, your goals change,
17:57
Speaker 1: and you don't have time for even your most all
18:00
Speaker 1: the group of friends the way that you use shoe
18:02
Speaker 1: you on a different time said, when you get married,
18:04
Speaker 1: your time just your time, don't just belong to you anymore.
18:07
Speaker 1: Your time is now kind of community property, for better
18:10
Speaker 1: or worse. And I don't think we always do the
18:14
Speaker 1: best job of managing that. If the bros calling and
18:16
Speaker 1: invite you somewhere, you're like, nah, I can't go. I
18:18
Speaker 1: got plans now, I'm staying with the wife. Ah we
18:21
Speaker 1: out of town that weekend. After a while, they stop
18:24
Speaker 1: calling and inviting you places. And I think when men
18:28
Speaker 1: get married, we really do got to do a better job,
18:31
Speaker 1: because it's incumbent on us to be like, hey, bro,
18:33
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna make it, but don't stop inviting me out.
18:36
Speaker 1: Still invite me and just make sure you keep the
18:37
Speaker 1: line of communication open. So Holie, don't think you swerving them.
18:41
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, don't think you're leaving them
18:43
Speaker 1: on red And we practice. We talk a lot about
18:46
Speaker 1: communication and romantic relationships, but communication and friendships is just
18:52
Speaker 1: as important. A relationship is a relationship is a relationship
18:55
Speaker 1: is a relationship just got different elements, So still got
18:58
Speaker 1: to keep that window open. When a man becomes a
19:01
Speaker 1: father man, everything about friendship changes, especially you the first one.
19:05
Speaker 1: I have a kid. You don't got no free time,
19:08
Speaker 1: no more on my body. You taled, you can't go
19:11
Speaker 1: to you can't go to the first venue, and after
19:14
Speaker 1: venue you want me to go to spot number one
19:17
Speaker 1: as spot number two. I ain't need sleep last night.
19:21
Speaker 1: We don't have the same twenty four hours anymore. Once
19:24
Speaker 1: we have kids. We don't have the same bandwidth an
19:27
Speaker 1: energy anymore. Once we have kids, we don't even want
19:31
Speaker 1: to participate in the same conversations because some things feel trivial.
19:35
Speaker 1: And as a father, sometimes you can definitely definitely make
19:40
Speaker 1: your friends feel like their experience is out lesser because
19:43
Speaker 1: they don't have a little one tugging at their heart,
19:46
Speaker 1: tugging at their energy, and tugging at they wallet. Twenty
19:48
Speaker 1: four seven, So that can create a rift in friendships too,
19:52
Speaker 1: something to be aware of. And I think the last
19:55
Speaker 1: thing that really stops us from maintaining and sustaining friends
20:01
Speaker 1: is may you see it on Instagram and you see
20:03
Speaker 1: it on TikTok all the time. The lock in culture,
20:06
Speaker 1: lock in bro lock in, lock in is synonymous with
20:10
Speaker 1: this self isolation where you work on your money, or
20:13
Speaker 1: you work on your body, or maybe you start reading
20:16
Speaker 1: books to work on your mind, and you start shutting
20:18
Speaker 1: out the people around you. And because of the society
20:21
Speaker 1: we live in sometimes and because the way men are
20:24
Speaker 1: over utilitized, if you ain't earning nothing, you don't always
20:29
Speaker 1: have the same value in your communities and in your
20:32
Speaker 1: family structure. Because of that, I think we hyper focus
20:36
Speaker 1: and hyper fixate on grabbing material resources and earning material
20:41
Speaker 1: wealth to the elimination of feeding and leaning into our friendships.
20:47
Speaker 1: So yeah, no, that's That's not the guy who's sitting
20:49
Speaker 1: in the basement who's angry because he doesn't have access
20:53
Speaker 1: to women. That's not that guy. It's not the guy
20:56
Speaker 1: who's chronically online and he's saying crazy things. The people
20:59
Speaker 1: in the comments like it it. That's not always the
21:02
Speaker 1: case with men who have a hard time keeping friends
21:06
Speaker 1: and making friends and sustaining those relationships in this life.
21:10
Speaker 1: Just wanted to speak on that for a second. And
21:16
Speaker 1: now there are also cases where we'll use jokes and
21:20
Speaker 1: humor to lighten the mood. You know, somebody say something
21:23
Speaker 1: it's a little too sad, a little too heavy for
21:26
Speaker 1: the moment, and we need just just a little joke
21:28
Speaker 1: to break the ice. I have a clip right here
21:31
Speaker 1: that I want y'all to listen to, and it's from
21:34
Speaker 1: the movie The Best Man. And in this clip, uh,
21:38
Speaker 1: you know what, I ain't even gonna tell you. Listen
21:40
Speaker 1: to the clip. Let's talk about it after. So you mean,
21:42
Speaker 1: tell me with all the sticking and moving that you've done,
21:48
Speaker 1: they don't think that me has ever Tippy told out
21:50
Speaker 1: the door on you once? What if she did? And
21:56
Speaker 1: I'll go out and get a little swerve of God.
22:00
Speaker 1: Don't you think she'd be well within her right? It's
22:04
Speaker 1: car baby, So let me explain this real quick. And
22:12
Speaker 1: The Best Man, this is the car scene and it's
22:15
Speaker 1: from a bachelor party moment with Tate Dave's character. His
22:18
Speaker 1: name is Harper. He has an unpublished manuscript because he's
22:23
Speaker 1: writing a book and it's based a little too closely
22:26
Speaker 1: on his real friends. He put them on the book.
22:28
Speaker 1: In the book, but he gave some real information about
22:31
Speaker 1: them and they didn't take too kindly to it and
22:35
Speaker 1: it got exposed. So it seems like they're just playing
22:38
Speaker 1: a card game and it's light and its friendly, but
22:40
Speaker 1: real quick it turns into an interrogation where Tate Diggs,
22:45
Speaker 1: where they realized t Day's character wrote about sleeping with
22:50
Speaker 1: more chestnuts characters fiance the woman he's about to marry,
22:54
Speaker 1: and it stocks as jokes and real quick it shifts
22:58
Speaker 1: into betrayal, and you can feel when it happens too. Man,
23:02
Speaker 1: there's a little element of humiliation there in this rage
23:07
Speaker 1: that's barely contained. It's right on the surface of breaking.
23:11
Speaker 1: So it ends up with one of the friends attacking
23:14
Speaker 1: the other, and it really is a huge turning point,
23:20
Speaker 1: and this idea of secrets bubbling up to the top
23:24
Speaker 1: where they can't be hidden in covert anymore. And the
23:29
Speaker 1: clip it's one thing to say, hey, bro, I realized
23:33
Speaker 1: that you did this, and I don't appreciate it because
23:35
Speaker 1: I don't remember if that happened in the movie. I
23:37
Speaker 1: think I remember them kind of skating around it. But
23:41
Speaker 1: you know you said this, and I did not appreciate that. Man.
23:45
Speaker 1: And instead of having an eye level man the man
23:48
Speaker 1: conversation with Bro, everybody just talked around and they ate
23:52
Speaker 1: around the mold and they bubbled and bubbled and bubbled
23:55
Speaker 1: until it popped. And I think in a lot of
23:59
Speaker 1: friends there's this thing where you have to have the
24:04
Speaker 1: feelings conversation, which ain't It's never fun. We already talked
24:08
Speaker 1: about how you can get dismissed earlier in life and
24:11
Speaker 1: end them not really wanting to do that again with
24:12
Speaker 1: the homies, not really wanting to share your feelings. But
24:16
Speaker 1: as adults it's grown men. We have to have the
24:20
Speaker 1: feelings conversation because I tell you, just because you don't
24:24
Speaker 1: acknowledge the feeling, just because you don't put a name
24:27
Speaker 1: to it, just because you ignore it, it doesn't mean
24:30
Speaker 1: that it doesn't exist. And compress feelings, they when they
24:34
Speaker 1: pop out, they pop out strong feelings people. Man, I
24:38
Speaker 1: don't need to acknowledge that feeling. I don't, man, whatever,
24:41
Speaker 1: I don't feel this way, bro, feelings, I like cancer.
24:45
Speaker 1: Cancer does not need for you to acknowledge it in
24:47
Speaker 1: order for it to destroy you. You understand like you
24:51
Speaker 1: don't gotta you don't gotta say you feel a way,
24:54
Speaker 1: but you will express it in other ways in your life.
24:56
Speaker 1: So the adult thing to do, the mature thing to do,
24:59
Speaker 1: is getting out the way man the man, Hey, bro,
25:01
Speaker 1: this is what happened, and I ain't appreciate it. Can
25:03
Speaker 1: we talk that through real quick? Saves friendships and saves
25:09
Speaker 1: you from catching the charge from jacking up Homie over
25:11
Speaker 1: across the table because he then came out of his
25:13
Speaker 1: mouth crazy about something. But here, that's a movie. How
25:18
Speaker 1: is that going to apply to me? How do I
25:20
Speaker 1: mean that applicable in my life? Dog? I got you,
25:23
Speaker 1: no problem. Let's talk about what shows up when we
25:28
Speaker 1: don't show up. What do I mean by that? I
25:32
Speaker 1: mean what issues, difficulties, stresses, and straight up problems start
25:38
Speaker 1: the surface when we're not walking into the things that
25:42
Speaker 1: we see wrong with a loud voice, in the full presence,
25:45
Speaker 1: when we're not speaking up, when we're not being who
25:48
Speaker 1: we need to be in that situation, as my man,
25:51
Speaker 1: mister Jason Wilson says, when we not being the man
25:53
Speaker 1: at the moment demands. That's what I'm talking about. Number
25:58
Speaker 1: one is turning a blind I had a harmful behavior.
26:01
Speaker 1: And that's whether Bro is being harmful to himself or
26:04
Speaker 1: harmful to other people. You see it and you recognize it.
26:08
Speaker 1: You just pretend that you don't. You look the other
26:11
Speaker 1: way for any number of reasons, but you don't address
26:14
Speaker 1: it or confront it directly. That shows up a lot
26:18
Speaker 1: when that happens. Admittedly it's uncomfortable. It can be uncomfortable,
26:23
Speaker 1: and you are a human. You got the right to
26:25
Speaker 1: be uncomfortable. But here's how you handle that. When they're
26:28
Speaker 1: danger to somebody else or themselves, or they say something
26:31
Speaker 1: that just catches your awareness, you make them repeat it again.
26:35
Speaker 1: You say, wait, what what you say? Bro? Say that again?
26:39
Speaker 1: Or Another joint that I like is what was the
26:44
Speaker 1: thinking behind that? What were you thinking when you made
26:46
Speaker 1: that decision? Walk me through that, not like a parent
26:49
Speaker 1: scolding a child, but just like a thought part of it,
26:51
Speaker 1: like why did you do that? Help me understand that.
26:54
Speaker 1: And another thing that I have to do is I
26:57
Speaker 1: gotta tell you that disapprove of it? Bro? Oh nah,
27:00
Speaker 1: that ain't it? Oh nah, I'm not feeling that, Bro.
27:03
Speaker 1: That ain't even you like these things? Let them know
27:07
Speaker 1: where you at with it immediately and it's quick and
27:10
Speaker 1: it's actionable, something you could do real fast to shoot
27:13
Speaker 1: it right back at him. Now, let me say the
27:16
Speaker 1: uncomfortable part out loud for all of us, really quickly.
27:19
Speaker 1: Amongst men, amongst boys, and amongst men. The approval of
27:23
Speaker 1: your friends is an important thing. Pretending that it's not
27:27
Speaker 1: doesn't make it any less true. It's important that you
27:29
Speaker 1: have your friends approval. It means a lot the men
27:33
Speaker 1: to make sure that the community is behind you. So
27:36
Speaker 1: when you say something like hey, bro, that's not it,
27:39
Speaker 1: it immediately indicates it put a signal in his brain
27:42
Speaker 1: to let him know like, oh, the community ain't behind me,
27:46
Speaker 1: maybe this is whatn't the right thing to do. It
27:48
Speaker 1: makes him rethink. Hopefully it makes them rethink what he
27:51
Speaker 1: does and not just rethink the fact that he said
27:54
Speaker 1: it to you. But that's the part of holding you
27:56
Speaker 1: close and holding you accountable. The close part is so
28:00
Speaker 1: that accountability can hit you feel me. So if you
28:04
Speaker 1: say something like oh, nah, broh, no, I'm not feeling that,
28:08
Speaker 1: even if you don't have the words to explain it deeply,
28:11
Speaker 1: you at least put again put your foot on the dollar,
28:13
Speaker 1: and you made it be known. You sent a signal
28:16
Speaker 1: that this isn't something that you approve of, that you represent,
28:19
Speaker 1: or that you're okay with, and that's an important thing
28:22
Speaker 1: to say out loud. Another thing that shows up is
28:26
Speaker 1: not knowing how to move through the discomfort of saying
28:30
Speaker 1: what needs to be said. And I got a little
28:33
Speaker 1: something for that when that happens. So when that happens,
28:36
Speaker 1: if you don't always have to have the words in
28:39
Speaker 1: the moment, it's okay if you don't, but you can,
28:42
Speaker 1: like I said before, you can communicate your disapproval immediately,
28:46
Speaker 1: and you could just say that, ay, bro, I don't
28:47
Speaker 1: really know what to say right now, but I don't
28:50
Speaker 1: like the fact that you did that. Well, I don't.
28:52
Speaker 1: I don't really have all the words right now, bro,
28:54
Speaker 1: but I'm not okay with that. And remember this conversation
28:58
Speaker 1: don't have to happen all at once, man. You can
29:00
Speaker 1: break this joint up in the five to six to
29:01
Speaker 1: seven different pieces. You can go back and collect your
29:04
Speaker 1: thoughts and come back and say, hey, man, I had
29:06
Speaker 1: a chance to think about what you said earlier. Let
29:09
Speaker 1: me tell you what's on my mind, and then you
29:11
Speaker 1: can kind of present a more well thought out explanation
29:14
Speaker 1: of where you are with things, but you don't. Some
29:17
Speaker 1: of that discomforts because you don't know what to say
29:19
Speaker 1: right then and there, and everybody's not good on the spot,
29:22
Speaker 1: but everybody can reflect and come back later. So use
29:25
Speaker 1: that to your advantage. And I think the biggest thing
29:28
Speaker 1: that shows up when we don't show up, it's loyalty
29:31
Speaker 1: that's framed the silence. Like it's easy to conflate loyalty
29:35
Speaker 1: and silence, they're not the same thing. For some people,
29:40
Speaker 1: if you don't say anything, by default, they see that
29:43
Speaker 1: as approval. So if they do something like they do
29:46
Speaker 1: something they know they're not supposed to do, they pushing
29:48
Speaker 1: the envelope and then they kind of look at you
29:50
Speaker 1: like you look at you. You're paying attention, and you
29:52
Speaker 1: don't say anything. They think you're complicit with it. Oh bat,
29:55
Speaker 1: you ain't got no problem with it, So I'm gonna
29:57
Speaker 1: keep doing it. Anybody who's ever been in a relationship
30:00
Speaker 1: that was not healthy already knows that you give them
30:03
Speaker 1: an inch, they take your apartment. You know what I'm saying.
30:06
Speaker 1: And so you gotta be careful about not just what
30:09
Speaker 1: you say, but also what you don't say, what you
30:12
Speaker 1: don't express to them, and I'm telling you now and
30:15
Speaker 1: are down this hill. Blind loyalty is not love. It's
30:20
Speaker 1: being Sometimes it's being overly permissive. Blind loyalty is not love.
30:24
Speaker 1: And just because I'm loyal to you, that doesn't mean
30:28
Speaker 1: that I have to or I'm going to agree with
30:30
Speaker 1: everything that you do. That's not how loyalty works. Loyalty
30:35
Speaker 1: is long term. It's how I feel about you and
30:40
Speaker 1: kind of like my allegiance to our relationship over a
30:42
Speaker 1: long period of time. Everything that disrupts that in short
30:46
Speaker 1: bursts isn't a threat to loyalty. Man. Sometimes it's a
30:50
Speaker 1: nod to honesty and integrity, and I think we need
30:53
Speaker 1: to have both if we're going to be moving around
30:54
Speaker 1: this world. Is comprehensive, man, Now, let's pause for a second.
30:58
Speaker 1: Let's pause for a second and trade sit all the
31:00
Speaker 1: way back. Not just about or around how men are. Now,
31:05
Speaker 1: let's trace it back to how men learn to be
31:08
Speaker 1: who we are. It's not just about who we are now,
31:11
Speaker 1: it's about the history. It's about every step along the way,
31:14
Speaker 1: and it's a lot of lessons that we learn that
31:17
Speaker 1: really affect the way that we think about things. All Right,
31:20
Speaker 1: here's an example, the great poet Kimberly Denise Jones once said,
31:28
Speaker 1: first you get the money. Then once you get the money,
31:32
Speaker 1: you get the power. Then once you get the power,
31:36
Speaker 1: then folks will respect you. Now if you if you're younger,
31:40
Speaker 1: you don't know. That's that's little Kim money pi respect
31:44
Speaker 1: what you need to live. You'll see the lie. It's
31:47
Speaker 1: to keep a live money power, respect, money power, respect,
31:51
Speaker 1: money pi respect. She wasn't lying, she wasn't lying, but
31:57
Speaker 1: I think she was speaking to this idea we have
32:01
Speaker 1: of what makes us worthy in society. Now, what society
32:06
Speaker 1: says makes us worthy and what really makes us worthy? Man,
32:09
Speaker 1: they are two completely different things, but we don't learn
32:13
Speaker 1: what it really is until we're in it. We grow
32:16
Speaker 1: up learning what society tells us. It is money, power
32:21
Speaker 1: and respect. All right. Care, So you said all of
32:25
Speaker 1: that and not get it? But what does that mean?
32:27
Speaker 1: How does that break down into what we actually learn?
32:30
Speaker 1: I got you. One thing that we learn is that
32:33
Speaker 1: your worth can only go as far as you can provide.
32:37
Speaker 1: The sum of your value is equal to the sum
32:40
Speaker 1: of your wallet. Is that true in large part? No,
32:45
Speaker 1: of course, you're worth a lot, whether you got a
32:47
Speaker 1: lot of money or not, but the world is not
32:50
Speaker 1: going to make you feel that way. So that's the
32:52
Speaker 1: message that we internalize. You know, what they say about
32:55
Speaker 1: broke boys and what they do or don't deserve. That
32:59
Speaker 1: is a mantra that is resonated throughout society and we
33:03
Speaker 1: hear it a lot, and we internalize that. It becomes
33:06
Speaker 1: a part of our masculine belief system. Another thing we
33:09
Speaker 1: learn is that safety comes from financial stability. The more
33:12
Speaker 1: money I have, the safe I am, which man, I
33:15
Speaker 1: tell you that. The people always ask me, how do
33:18
Speaker 1: you feel safe? How do you feel unsafe? The least
33:21
Speaker 1: safe I ever feel is not when violence is approaching
33:24
Speaker 1: on me or I feel like somebody about to hurt me.
33:26
Speaker 1: The least safe I ever feel is when there's a
33:28
Speaker 1: negative in front of the money amount in my bank account.
33:31
Speaker 1: When I don't have money, I do not feel safe.
33:35
Speaker 1: And another thing we learned is that the level of
33:37
Speaker 1: respect that you get comes from the amount of visible
33:40
Speaker 1: success that you have. You see, you know, being on Instagram,
33:43
Speaker 1: somebody spreading the money all the way up there, or
33:47
Speaker 1: you know you're wearing your I like a little designer
33:51
Speaker 1: here and there, but you're wearing value on your person
33:54
Speaker 1: so that people can see it and automatically know that
33:58
Speaker 1: you are valued. You isn't on the inside and shines out.
34:02
Speaker 1: It's on the outside, and sometimes we hope that it
34:05
Speaker 1: seeps in, but it doesn't always work that way. Oh,
34:09
Speaker 1: and don't ask too many questions or make things deep. Yeah, man,
34:13
Speaker 1: And even even as little boys, we learn not to
34:18
Speaker 1: ask too many questions or make things too deep, and
34:22
Speaker 1: you'll get these responses. As a little boy, they'll say
34:24
Speaker 1: things to you. They'll say stop overthinking, or man, just
34:30
Speaker 1: deal with it as a part of life, or it's
34:32
Speaker 1: not that serious. Bro, while you tripping, And that's invalidating it.
34:37
Speaker 1: Feel it should I think it's framed his encouragement, but
34:40
Speaker 1: it's invalidating. It takes away and experience you struggling with
34:44
Speaker 1: and just puts a phrase right there that doesn't make
34:46
Speaker 1: you think better, feel better, or do better. It just
34:49
Speaker 1: teaches you to deal with it, but not how. Whenever
34:53
Speaker 1: you get the what and you don't get the how,
34:56
Speaker 1: you end up in a situation where you got to
34:58
Speaker 1: open cut and dirdy water. You feel me you're begging
35:02
Speaker 1: for an infection because there's a standard that they're telling
35:05
Speaker 1: you to reach, but they're not giving you any instruction
35:07
Speaker 1: on how to do that. That's how so many folks
35:11
Speaker 1: get lost and spend an entire adulthood lost in the sauce,
35:15
Speaker 1: with no compass and no guidance. That type of language
35:19
Speaker 1: right there. You know, I've learned that men don't always
35:24
Speaker 1: devalue connection necessarily. It's not that we hate connection, it's
35:31
Speaker 1: just that sometimes we don't see connection as in the
35:36
Speaker 1: central part of our survival. I don't necessarily need that
35:40
Speaker 1: in order to survive. But man, if there was a
35:44
Speaker 1: list of things that I would rather do in life,
35:49
Speaker 1: in the highest on that list was thriving. I think
35:52
Speaker 1: survival is the bottom It's the base ass bottom line
35:56
Speaker 1: of living. It's surviving. So yeah, you can survive with that,
36:00
Speaker 1: But I want so much more for you in your
36:02
Speaker 1: life though. I want so much more for you in
36:04
Speaker 1: your life. I want happiness. I want joy. I want
36:07
Speaker 1: you to be excited about your future, and you don't
36:10
Speaker 1: always get that when you are in survival. Elements of
36:14
Speaker 1: survival ofa fine, But when survival is the entirety of
36:17
Speaker 1: your experience, I cannot say. I cannot say confidently, bro
36:22
Speaker 1: that you live into your fullest potential or that you're
36:24
Speaker 1: living your best life. I think there's more for you
36:28
Speaker 1: out there. Sometimes masculinity oversimplifies or flattens ideas to make
36:41
Speaker 1: it quick the process and quick to be actionable. A
36:43
Speaker 1: lot of men like to be actionable, got to take action,
36:46
Speaker 1: got to do the thing. And when you have nuance
36:49
Speaker 1: and different caveats and things to think about, it takes
36:52
Speaker 1: longer for you to take action on something. So what's
36:55
Speaker 1: the easiest way to do that? You flatten it. You're oversimplified.
36:58
Speaker 1: But when you flattening, you over simplify shit, you miss
37:02
Speaker 1: out on all the key and critical elements that will
37:06
Speaker 1: give you some really dope instruction on how to fix
37:10
Speaker 1: that or how to work on that, or how to
37:12
Speaker 1: chip away at it. So it's kind of like your
37:14
Speaker 1: brain is in competition with itself because what the masculine
37:17
Speaker 1: identity says is that you need to just not make
37:19
Speaker 1: it simple. It's either this or that one or two.
37:21
Speaker 1: A'll be how to cold good or bad, right or wrong.
37:24
Speaker 1: And what life is saying is like, nah, bro, it's
37:26
Speaker 1: like a million things in the middle we need to consider.
37:28
Speaker 1: But that doesn't always work well with the amount of
37:31
Speaker 1: time that you have and the ticker in your mind.
37:34
Speaker 1: So get out some thought.
37:35
Speaker 2: Man.
37:35
Speaker 1: The next time you're up against the trouble and you
37:37
Speaker 1: need that thing squarely face to face, give some thought
37:40
Speaker 1: about how you may be oversimplifying. And one way you
37:43
Speaker 1: know you oversimplifying is when you say these words right here.
37:46
Speaker 1: Ain't all you gotta do, is man, It's always more
37:49
Speaker 1: to consider. And I want to be the offensive coordinator
37:53
Speaker 1: of my life. I don't want to just be playing
37:55
Speaker 1: checkers all the time. Now, we have spent a good
37:59
Speaker 1: amount of time talking about what degrades and deteriorates it
38:04
Speaker 1: dissipates good friendship. We talked about the problem. We see
38:08
Speaker 1: what the virus is. Now let's take a moment and
38:11
Speaker 1: really hone in on what makes for some super solid
38:15
Speaker 1: male friendships. Because there are a lot of male friendships
38:19
Speaker 1: out there and have been for generations. It's not just
38:22
Speaker 1: my generation. My grandfather had homies, had war buddies, had
38:26
Speaker 1: friends they had close relationships with, and they had elements
38:30
Speaker 1: that deserve to be talked about. So let's talk about
38:32
Speaker 1: what makes a solid ass friendship real quick. One thing
38:35
Speaker 1: that I love is the rare emotional check in. I
38:39
Speaker 1: had a homie who was from my old neighborhood and
38:42
Speaker 1: I saw him on the street. He called me. I
38:44
Speaker 1: think it's on my Instagram page. He called me on
38:45
Speaker 1: the new a bed. They called me about my nickname
38:47
Speaker 1: in the neighborhood, and I said, hey, what's out with you? Bro?
38:50
Speaker 1: I ain't seen you in a minute? Man, how you doing?
38:52
Speaker 1: And he said this thing that men say all the time. Now,
38:55
Speaker 1: I don't let the homies get away with no more.
38:56
Speaker 1: He said, oh, man, I can't complain. Nah, bro, I
39:00
Speaker 1: don't want to hear that you can't complain. I want
39:02
Speaker 1: to hear that you're living good. I want to hear
39:04
Speaker 1: what you're excited about. I want to hear how life
39:06
Speaker 1: is working out for you. Tell me something outside of
39:09
Speaker 1: that's that survivle thing. I can't complain. Of course, you
39:11
Speaker 1: can't complain. Fine, whatever, what's going on well with you? Though?
39:15
Speaker 1: What's good with your life? That is the rare emotional
39:19
Speaker 1: check in, how are you feeling? Dog? What's really good
39:22
Speaker 1: with you? That makes for a super solid friendship. When
39:26
Speaker 1: you do that, another one that's not having crisis only vulnerability.
39:32
Speaker 1: When the only time that you can open up is
39:35
Speaker 1: when shit ain't even about to hit the fan. It
39:38
Speaker 1: already hit the fan and it's spreading across the room.
39:41
Speaker 1: You can still I encourage you to be vulnerable with
39:44
Speaker 1: your friends when that happens, of course, but when that's
39:46
Speaker 1: the only time, I don't think that makes for the
39:50
Speaker 1: best friendship base. So having that vulnerability at just rare opportunities, y'all,
39:56
Speaker 1: let the bar, have it a drink, tell a story
39:58
Speaker 1: that means something to you. You know, lean into something
40:01
Speaker 1: that you really think about or you care about that
40:06
Speaker 1: that takes you away from the urgency of man, I'm
40:09
Speaker 1: only vulnerable with my head's on fire. Help You know,
40:11
Speaker 1: you don't seem like a case to be helped. You
40:14
Speaker 1: seem like a person to be supported. And I know
40:16
Speaker 1: that all men can appreciate that to some facet And
40:20
Speaker 1: your friendships can become really solid when you stop avoiding confrontation,
40:25
Speaker 1: when you lean in the confrontation. I think we have
40:28
Speaker 1: this negative connotation about confrontation bars where we think that
40:33
Speaker 1: it's inherently a bad thing to confront something and it's not.
40:38
Speaker 1: Take it head on. Sometimes that's the best way to
40:40
Speaker 1: do it. Hey, bros, thinking about this real quick, let
40:43
Speaker 1: me run it by. You know, I'm a have y'all
40:46
Speaker 1: ever seen that video clip with Cam Newton and oh,
40:49
Speaker 1: what's the name of the Panthers wide receiver? Man, big dude?
40:54
Speaker 1: I think you from FSU. I can't remember, but dude
40:58
Speaker 1: was talking breezy about him when the press and can
41:00
Speaker 1: walk up straight confronted him about it, and while everybody
41:06
Speaker 1: was like, oh, man, that looks hostile, he had his
41:07
Speaker 1: hands behind his back. He was just a close proximity Because, Bro,
41:11
Speaker 1: I want you to know that I know you know,
41:13
Speaker 1: I want you to know, I want you to feel
41:15
Speaker 1: me that I didn't like what you said, and I'm
41:16
Speaker 1: going to come to you as a man right here,
41:19
Speaker 1: right now about it. I think that there's a way
41:21
Speaker 1: to do confrontation that isn't as what would you say,
41:26
Speaker 1: like adversarial. It's a gent little way to do that.
41:30
Speaker 1: But there's so many men that can appreciate you being
41:33
Speaker 1: direct and talking about the problem that you have with
41:36
Speaker 1: him and hashing it out instead of doing the best
41:39
Speaker 1: man thing when you talk around and you just get
41:41
Speaker 1: straight from the hip cut to the chase, but you
41:44
Speaker 1: do it with a level of care and empathy that
41:47
Speaker 1: holds them close and holds them accountable at the same time,
41:51
Speaker 1: So I told y'all earlier, there's nothing that you're going
41:54
Speaker 1: to own that's not going to cost you something, not
41:56
Speaker 1: just material things, just in your life. Everything is going
41:59
Speaker 1: to cost something. So let's talk real quick about the
42:03
Speaker 1: emotional consequences of not really having deep and fruitful and
42:08
Speaker 1: comprehensive relationships, especially with other men, not having them friendship solid.
42:14
Speaker 1: Let's talk about what it's gonna cost you. One. It
42:20
Speaker 1: can definitely cost you this feeling of being isolated while
42:24
Speaker 1: being surrounded by other people. You ever felt that before?
42:27
Speaker 1: You're in a room full of people and you still
42:29
Speaker 1: feel alone? That, Yeah, that's one of drake first joint
42:32
Speaker 1: Why do why I feel so alone? Like everybody out
42:35
Speaker 1: here in the studio is in characters if they acting
42:38
Speaker 1: out a movie role. He early, Drake used to go
42:42
Speaker 1: crazy hard, but he spoke about that being alone while
42:47
Speaker 1: being in a room full of people. Jim Carrey has
42:49
Speaker 1: this dope quote he says, and I think that's embodies
42:52
Speaker 1: this entire idea. Jim Carrey said, I wish that everybody
42:56
Speaker 1: could be famous for a day so you can understand
42:59
Speaker 1: exactly how lonely it feels. Who Jim got bars Man
43:04
Speaker 1: and that won't hit me to the core because you know,
43:07
Speaker 1: I have more notoriety than I did three years ago.
43:09
Speaker 1: Like I can't go out in public and not be recognized,
43:12
Speaker 1: and it is isolating. It's more isolating than you would
43:15
Speaker 1: ever imagine. You think those folks walking up to you
43:18
Speaker 1: and telling you that they love your content or they
43:19
Speaker 1: love your music would be fulfilling, and it is in
43:22
Speaker 1: a way. It is gratifying in a way, but they
43:24
Speaker 1: don't deeply know you. It don't feel the same as
43:28
Speaker 1: like my aunt telling me, baby, you did a good job,
43:30
Speaker 1: or my uncle saying I, nephew, I see you, because
43:33
Speaker 1: they know you deeply. They don't just know you for
43:35
Speaker 1: who you are now, they know you for who you've
43:38
Speaker 1: always been and what you've turned into. And not having
43:42
Speaker 1: those deep relationships, not having people that know you deeply,
43:46
Speaker 1: that's the cost. Feeling isolated around a group of people
43:50
Speaker 1: who are saying all the things, and it feel good
43:52
Speaker 1: like you're standing on the couch in the club. If
43:54
Speaker 1: you feel so inclined, but you don't feel deeply known
43:58
Speaker 1: and understood, there's one cost. Another cost is suppress grief,
44:03
Speaker 1: stress and fear. You know, sometimes we just be at
44:07
Speaker 1: a buffet with our feelings. We eat all our feelings
44:10
Speaker 1: and we shove them down, never to be seen or
44:12
Speaker 1: heard from again. And that's not good for you. Bro.
44:16
Speaker 1: It can help you move through and get through and
44:18
Speaker 1: the time being, but long term that is not good
44:21
Speaker 1: for you. Man. I do not recommend you doing that
44:24
Speaker 1: if you can change it. And it's like I said
44:27
Speaker 1: about can't say it doesn't disappear because you decide not
44:29
Speaker 1: to think about it. Those emotions still exist. You're just
44:32
Speaker 1: ignoring them. And if you ever had a leak in
44:34
Speaker 1: your roof, if you ever own a home, you know
44:36
Speaker 1: you can turn the other way on that leak if
44:38
Speaker 1: you want. But that four hundred dollars bill going to
44:40
Speaker 1: turn into a three thousand dollars bill real quick. That
44:43
Speaker 1: damage is going to accumulate. And don't think that that
44:46
Speaker 1: just applies to a home. It applies to your mind,
44:48
Speaker 1: to your body, to your mental health, and to your
44:50
Speaker 1: relationships as well. And one of the biggest costs that
44:54
Speaker 1: I'm aware of is just overall feeling unsupported by friends.
44:59
Speaker 1: I got one of my best friends in the world.
45:01
Speaker 1: I always know when he going through something, because BRO
45:04
Speaker 1: will disappear. He'll disappear all the group chats he'll be
45:08
Speaker 1: you can't call him. If you call him, he'll pick up,
45:10
Speaker 1: but you know it's gonna be a little delay on that.
45:12
Speaker 1: He don't come around to events as much, so I
45:15
Speaker 1: call him if I don't hear from him for two
45:17
Speaker 1: or three weeks. It was good, bir. I am calling
45:21
Speaker 1: you because I ain't heard him, Just checking your vibles, man,
45:23
Speaker 1: making sure you okay, because when I don't hear from you,
45:26
Speaker 1: I know that you got shit going on. And then
45:28
Speaker 1: that gives him the latitude to express and say what's
45:31
Speaker 1: going on, or he might mask it a little bit. Nah, Bro,
45:34
Speaker 1: I'm blessed him good and eventually tell me. But the
45:37
Speaker 1: point is I called and I checked on him. And
45:39
Speaker 1: the cost of not having those deep relationships like me
45:43
Speaker 1: and Bro have is that you don't have somebody to
45:45
Speaker 1: call and check or you don't feel inclined to call
45:48
Speaker 1: and check in on another person because y'all just ain't
45:50
Speaker 1: got it like that. You know, the bank account of
45:54
Speaker 1: friendship don't got a lot of money, and it wasn't
45:56
Speaker 1: enough deposits to make that many withdraws. Those are things
46:00
Speaker 1: that can accumulate and happen when you don't really invest
46:05
Speaker 1: and push into these relationships. And dare I say these
46:10
Speaker 1: intimate relationships, because intimacy is not about sex and sexuality.
46:14
Speaker 1: It's just about closeness, these intimate relationships with your friends,
46:19
Speaker 1: all right. So with all that being said, let's squish
46:22
Speaker 1: this down into a reality check. Let's let's check our
46:25
Speaker 1: vitals real quick. And the reality of this situation is
46:29
Speaker 1: a lot of men. I will venture to say that
46:32
Speaker 1: most men have not been culturalized to express the need
46:38
Speaker 1: for those type of relationships. In that level of closeness.
46:42
Speaker 1: You can have the need and it's one thing to
46:45
Speaker 1: have it, and it's one thing to feel it, but
46:47
Speaker 1: it's another thing to express it. And when it all
46:51
Speaker 1: boils down, most men were never taught how to do this.
46:57
Speaker 1: You never got the practice reps in. You never got
46:59
Speaker 1: the opportunity to fail at this thing enough times to
47:02
Speaker 1: be good at it. But because you don't have a
47:06
Speaker 1: history of doing it, that doesn't mean that you can't.
47:10
Speaker 1: That just means that right now is the perfect place
47:13
Speaker 1: and the perfect time to start, perfect time to start
47:17
Speaker 1: everything we talked about in this episode. You could put
47:19
Speaker 1: this in a practice right now, and you don't have
47:21
Speaker 1: to do it with fifteen or twenty dudes or somebody
47:24
Speaker 1: who has all the interest you have. No, it could
47:27
Speaker 1: just be one singular person. One person. What's one friendship
47:31
Speaker 1: that you would like to lean into a little bit.
47:34
Speaker 1: Maybe you text them a little bit more. Maybe i'll
47:36
Speaker 1: call it a little bit more. Maybe you hang out
47:38
Speaker 1: a little bit more. Maybe there's an opportunity there to
47:42
Speaker 1: not only get to know them on a deeper level,
47:44
Speaker 1: but for you to be more deeply known. As we
47:48
Speaker 1: age is you become an older man, it becomes more
47:52
Speaker 1: and more necessary that you have different communities of people
47:56
Speaker 1: around you that can support and lift you up through
47:59
Speaker 1: your heart a time. Because agent comes with man, it
48:02
Speaker 1: come with this shit now. It ain't just cracking knees
48:05
Speaker 1: and Lord back pain my boy. It comes with a
48:08
Speaker 1: lot of Oh, this is really where my life is.
48:10
Speaker 1: It happens once at thirty, it happens at thirty five
48:13
Speaker 1: and again at forty. And what you need in those
48:16
Speaker 1: instances when you reach them little milestones, is a group
48:19
Speaker 1: of people behind you that one love you, two support you,
48:24
Speaker 1: three know you deep believe. You need friends who can
48:28
Speaker 1: speak to who you've always been. You need friends who
48:31
Speaker 1: could speak to who you are, and you need friends
48:33
Speaker 1: who can speak to who you're becoming. But they can't
48:37
Speaker 1: do that if you don't put yourself out there, if
48:40
Speaker 1: you don't put the vulnerability on the table, if you
48:42
Speaker 1: don't practice the vulnerability, if you don't practice the talking
48:45
Speaker 1: and the messaging, I don't know how you get better
48:48
Speaker 1: at that. I don't know how you get better at
48:51
Speaker 1: it if you don't practice so Yet, man can ain't
48:53
Speaker 1: never learn to do that. Me neither brouh Me neither
48:57
Speaker 1: never got taught that. But I am teaching myself now.
49:01
Speaker 1: And the more I'm surrounded by that type of energy,
49:04
Speaker 1: the more i find that I'm able to exude that
49:06
Speaker 1: type energy because now I'm learning from the people around me.
49:09
Speaker 1: I'm learning from the dudes that's giving me that. It's
49:12
Speaker 1: like that pair of to pair mentorship piece that's so important,
49:15
Speaker 1: but we don't always get. Let's start with the low lift.
49:17
Speaker 1: I want you to ask yourself, who actually knows what
49:21
Speaker 1: I'm dealing with? Who knows what I'm going through? And
49:24
Speaker 1: I also want you to ask yourself who can call
49:26
Speaker 1: me out on my stuff and not actually listen. That's
49:30
Speaker 1: low tier. Let's move to the medium tier for the
49:33
Speaker 1: moderate I want you to It doesn't have to be
49:35
Speaker 1: a lot of people. I want you to choose one
49:37
Speaker 1: friendship to deepen. I want you to ask better questions.
49:42
Speaker 1: I want you to ask follow up questions, not just
49:44
Speaker 1: oh man, damn, that's crazy. I hope it gets better.
49:46
Speaker 1: Ask follower, Ask at least two followers before you start
49:49
Speaker 1: to talk about yourself, and see what that does for
49:52
Speaker 1: your friendship. You know what and if and if you're
49:55
Speaker 1: feeling really brave, I want you to share first. Don't
49:58
Speaker 1: wait for somebody else to share. Don't wait for them
50:00
Speaker 1: to break the ice. I want you to share first.
50:02
Speaker 1: You to be the tone setting, you to be the
50:04
Speaker 1: person that norms that part of the relationship. And Tier three,
50:09
Speaker 1: this is the heaviest lift. This is what will take
50:11
Speaker 1: the most work. And it's not necessarily the most difficult
50:14
Speaker 1: and most impossible, but it's going to take the most
50:16
Speaker 1: of your energy and awareness to knock out. I want
50:20
Speaker 1: you to be a part of spaces where healthy conflict resolution,
50:26
Speaker 1: healthy mature conversations, and emotional maturity are a part of
50:31
Speaker 1: the foundation of those communities. And you can start the
50:34
Speaker 1: communities that have mutual interests. If you like to run,
50:37
Speaker 1: start a run club, keep the same. See if those
50:39
Speaker 1: elements are there. If you like bikes, join that, If
50:42
Speaker 1: you like cameras, join that. You can start with your
50:45
Speaker 1: interests and then you can start to fan out. But
50:47
Speaker 1: I want you to look at the quality of the
50:49
Speaker 1: spaces that you're in and make sure that they mirror
50:54
Speaker 1: those things that you are looking for in your friendship's integrity,
50:57
Speaker 1: honestly all of that. Because you've become a part of
51:00
Speaker 1: your environment. And if that's your environment, that's the type
51:03
Speaker 1: of person in the type of space that you want
51:05
Speaker 1: to move into. You know, one thing I want you
51:08
Speaker 1: all to understand when y'all walk into this space is
51:11
Speaker 1: that it's like a fourth grade classroom in the way
51:14
Speaker 1: that there are no stupid questions. I don't expect you
51:17
Speaker 1: to walk in knowing something that you've never been taught,
51:20
Speaker 1: you've never been shown, and you've never been mentored through
51:24
Speaker 1: And look, I'm not perfect. I struggle with my friendships
51:27
Speaker 1: and I've learned a lot through time. But that's what
51:29
Speaker 1: this is. This isn't a space to be judged or
51:32
Speaker 1: to be admonished and mischaracterized. This is a spot to
51:36
Speaker 1: come with your imperfection. Say, let's figure this shit out together.
51:40
Speaker 1: That's that's whe're true learning and where true healing happens.
51:45
Speaker 1: So I thank you for joining in on this episode. Man,
51:48
Speaker 1: Let me know what y'all learned, Let me know what
51:50
Speaker 1: y'all picked up. Let me know what you've disagreed with,
51:53
Speaker 1: because that keeps the conversation rolling. And I like that.
51:56
Speaker 1: I like when people tell me like I see things different.
52:00
Speaker 1: It makes for some interesting back and forth. But that's
52:03
Speaker 1: it for us. We're gonna get out of here. Make
52:05
Speaker 1: sure that you are a good friend. Make sure that
52:07
Speaker 1: you find a good friend. Make sure you indulge in
52:09
Speaker 1: healthy relationships. Until next time, Job well done. Learn the
52:14
Speaker 1: Hard Way is a production of iHeart Podcasts. I'm your
52:17
Speaker 1: host kre Gaines. We're produced by Courtney Deans and Cason Alexander. Ashley. J.
52:22
Speaker 1: Hobbs is our senior producer. Our executive producers are Will Packer,
52:26
Speaker 1: Doctor Joey hard and Bradford, Alex Balden, and Carlo Will
52:29
Speaker 1: Marris