Latest / EST's "Truth Be Told" / "The Affair" by Helen Coxe

Transcript

"The Affair" by Helen Coxe · EST's "Truth Be Told"

• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome back to EST's Truth Be Told, Season 2, Love and Theater.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: We're so happy to have 14 news stories, each performed at Ensemble Studio Theater, as part of the live event Truth Be Told, a true story night created by Susan Kim and David Zelnick, full of amazing, profound, and hilarious true stories.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: This story is from Helen Cox about life being exhilarating and messy after a happenstance meeting.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: I was in a bathroom in an Irish bar on 7th Avenue near Madison Square Garden when I knew.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_01: March 2001, I was walking up Eighth Avenue when a sign caught my eye right above where the subway exits at 25th Street.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_01: It was probably six o'clock at night.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: I'd come from an audition at Chelsea Pierce and was just wandering home.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_01: I was wearing a yellow raincoat and a baseball hat and grubby clothes that I changed into after the audition.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: I don't remember what the sign said, only that I was drawn to it, and something made me go over and look at it.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_01: And out of nowhere, I heard my name.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_01: Helen P.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_01: Cox.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: I turned, and I'm not sure how it all happened, but I think I just said, Oh my God, and his name.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_01: It had been seven years since I'd seen him.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_01: The first love, the big one.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: The one I had to get over.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: We stood on the corner and reconnected for like half an hour.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: He told me he lived on that street.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_01: And then he said, What are you doing?
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_01: Do you want to get a drink?
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: Or I said, Yes, yes, yeah.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_01: We went to Mix Something Bar.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: It was crowded.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_01: We decided not to stay, but I I wanted to use the bathroom.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_01: And I found myself in the bathroom, not peeing, but quickly changing into the cute, more flattering shirt I had been wearing at the audition, touching up my makeup.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_01: And then I took my hair out of the baseball hat to make sure it looked okay if I were to take the baseball hat off.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_01: And then I put the hat back on.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: And I looked in the mirror and I thought, oh my God, I love this man.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_01: That was the moment I knew that I knew.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: I came out and he was smiling and we left, found a quiet place to go and chat somewhere along 7th Avenue that doesn't exist anymore.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: We caught up, breezed through me, grad school, family, student loans, guys, apartments, life, arts.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: He explained his switch from acting to school to internet technology, banking, and his job at the World Trade Center.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_01: We talked and talked.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: He said things like, I looked you up and I called you in San Francisco.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_01: I think you answered.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_01: I hung up.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_01: And you were so cool.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_01: And you're a gem.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_01: And things like, I make bad decisions, and you're really a gem.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_01: All while smiling.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_01: And maybe three hours later, after complimenting each other and giggling and recomplimenting each other, exchanged numbers, emails, we parted.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_01: I felt giddy, light, pretty, seen, full of worth.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: And I think he felt that too.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: I walked home high as a kite.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_01: He'd already emailed me by the time I got home.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_01: I couldn't sleep, still high the next day, and I was like, oh boy.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_01: I love this man.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_01: And I went through all this other shit with all these other guys to get to this moment, to this guy, and how special we are to each other.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: And he's married.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: Cut to, montage, flashes, scenes of hanging out, having fun, visiting at lunch hour, happy, sneaky, romantic, flirting, frustrating.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_01: What is this that I'm getting into?
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_01: Sexy, laughing, walks, the joy of seeing each other, secrets, oh my God, he's so hot, distant, long breaks.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_01: He is so handsome, friendship, sexy, time passing, giggly, giggly, giggly, deployments, sexy weekends, complicated love, hope, so many questions, car rides, waiting, precious time, joy, lonely, delicious pining, sexy, so romantic, on and off, on and off, on and off, affair.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_01: The way they go, it goes, or does it go that way?
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: Who knows?
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_01: There's no rules.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: And not on and off, like I love you, I hate you, I love you, I hate you, my sister and my daughter, my sister and my daughter.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: Does anybody even get that reference?
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_01: But on and off, like a constant middle of a beautiful, messy, three, four, five-lane highway, weaving in and out of each other's lives, getting very close, yet totally compartmentalized, totally separate, totally a secret.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_01: Yet some people know sorta.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_01: Totally guarding this precious hidden commodity, walking around all the time in an armor of vagueness, while knowing deep down exactly what you want.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: And like a drug, it hooks you and makes you believe everything will be great someday.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: Good things come to those who wait, right?
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_01: Or do they?
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: And I knew I wasn't dealing with it, but I didn't know how to deal with it.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_01: At one point I met with a psychic or an intuit, I can't remember which one it was.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_01: It was she was the mother of a girl I was doing a play with.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: And anyway, I think she made us take our shoes off and she said to jump lightly on the bed, and she asked me questions, probably what my sign was or what hour I was born.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: But I do remember she asked me if I had any questions for her.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, There's this guy, I really love him, it's been going, it's on and off, it's complicated, he's married, I don't know what to do, la la la la la.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_01: And she stopped and looked at me and said, That's easy.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_01: Tell him to stop calling you.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_01: And that was it.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, obviously I heard it before, but but but but but the drug part, the someday, the we're meant to be together.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_01: So I continued to sort of wait, sorta, and like a rubber band, I retracted back to what I always did and stayed quiet and the secret.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: The mantra became I'm going to enjoy this, even if I only get to be with him sometimes.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_01: And I did.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_01: And every text, every email, every phone call, every voicemail was a little bit of hope.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, superstar, it's me, I'm at work.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_01: Give me a call.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_01: Sweetheart, I got your message.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: Please don't worry about shaving your legs.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_01: Can't wait to see you.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: And my favorite, a random text saying, I miss your face.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_01: When he met my parents, I told them my friend was dropping me off on his way to DC.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: And of course he won them over when he answered every question with, Yes, ma'am, yes, sir.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: Later on, I heard my mother, Helen, come to the top of the stairs.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_01: You're not pregnant, are you?
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: Just checking.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_01: Then I heard her mumble something to herself.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_01: I think Helen's friend has been around a while.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: She knew.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_01: So I just kept this on the burner for a long time until until things got heated.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_01: He was going through a divorce, and I was suddenly the issue.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_01: And then I became the target.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: Side note, I I don't remember what was said at this time, but it was in this vein.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: Helen, who are you practicing on?
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_01: You said it was coffee with this guy you dated, now it's lunch.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_01: It's like you're leading me on, Helen.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_01: You said it's three years since you've been with anybody.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_01: I wrote it down.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: Did I say that?
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: Weeks go by.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_01: I get a series of paranoid texts.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: I duck into a FedEx downtown near the courthouses.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_01: I call my brother, one of them, standing between the Xerox machine and the window so no one can hear me, sweating like Tilda Swinton in the bathroom stall and Michael Clayton.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_01: My brother answers the phone.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, kid.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_01: I I I I um I I I fucked up.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: I fucked up, I fucked up.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_01: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what's going on?
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_01: I I fucked up.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_01: I um I I was with other people, but it it was a while ago.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_01: And I think I said things that I don't remember saying.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but I I I may have.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I did, I did, I bet it it's so long.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: My therapist says it it would just hurt to tell him, whoa, kid, slow down.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_01: I know, I know you're at work.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: And and also he's um he's a um he's applying for a job at the CIA and he he had to do a background check on me.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: It's fine, it's fine, it's fine.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_01: I I I I I knew about it.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_01: It's it's okay, and I have to get to jury duty.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: And um, I think he's gonna um he's having a really rough time.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_01: He's going through a divorce and kid, slow down.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_01: And um, okay, he's texting me about stuff.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: I things I did, but I didn't didn't do them.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_01: It just looks like I did them, and I I guess they check your emails and I I fucked up and he's asking things and I it looks like I'm flirting with people, but I'm not, but it's not I I I fucked up.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: Kid, kid, kid.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_01: You didn't fuck up.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: You didn't hurt anybody.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_01: But I I was with other people.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: I cheated.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: Hell, he's married.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_01: That D-Day lasted about four months, and I can't really recall much of this period, except I was hollow and guilty and unable to say, fuck off.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_01: All I could see was this person who was struggling and had been to really dark corners of the world.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_01: He did get divorced, and things got better.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_01: He met my friends.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_01: I was his girlfriend.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_01: He became very protective, generous, kind, caring, calmer, more distant.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: A year and a half later, he left for Iraq in September 2010.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_01: And four months after that, on January 19th, 2011, I got an email.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sorry, Helen, but I need a break from our relationship.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_01: There's just too much that's happened, and frankly, I'm broken.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_01: I will try to call when I can.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_01: Hyperventilating, shaking, peak of anxiety.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: At 11 p.m., after torturing myself all day, I finally responded to the email.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_01: My heart is with you, Helen.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_01: It was all I could write.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_01: Because when a naval special warfare petty officer, first class, trained interrogator, intelligence specialist, boots on ground divorcee, is on their third deployment, says they need a break, you give them a break.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_01: A few years later, I got an email with these lyrics.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: Something in you brought out something in me that I haven't been since.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_01: That part of me that was only for you.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_01: That kind of romance comes only once.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_01: That kind of love, that kind of fever dance that you love because you become someone else in an instant.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_01: And I was hooked again.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: Helen Cox lives in New York City and is an actress and sometimes writer.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: Truth Be Told was created by Susan Kim and David Zelnick, and each episode was produced and scored by Eric Svakar.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: If you enjoyed this, please tell your friends and keep listening.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: More stories about the moment I knew will be released every Monday and about the theatre every Thursday.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: And do hit like and subscribe.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: It really helps.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: Till next time, remember Truth Wants to be known.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: Yours too.