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Transcript

BELIEVE IN THE JOURNEY WITH TRIVEDA HARRIS · DA CREW Podcast

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: Because I think it is important that we talk about
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: it because relationships and red flag I think we oftentimes
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: ignore those red flags in the beginning and we let
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: them go on for so long. So what do you
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: define as what is a what does a red flag
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: look like to you? What is your definition?
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: Let me first start off by saying that most red
• 0:39
  Speaker 2: flags look like the flags at the circus, and they're
• 0:44
  Speaker 2: welcoming and they draw you in and you start entertaining them,
• 0:55
  Speaker 2: m h, when you shouldn't. A red flag to me
• 1:03
  Speaker 2: looks like me having to express what doesn't feel right
• 1:11
  Speaker 2: to me more than once.
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: M h.
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: If I've told you what bothers me, what hurts me
• 1:20
  Speaker 2: or gets under my skin, and you continue to poke
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: the bear as they say that that's a red flag
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: for me. Yeah, there's so many of them, To be honest,
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: we'd be talking for weeks. This would be a continuation,
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: you know, and a lot of there there are so
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: many people that are so narcissistic that they hide.
• 1:56
  Speaker 3: The red flags very well.
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: And you don't see them until it's too late, or
• 2:04
  Speaker 2: you see them and choose to ignore them because you
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: don't think they're that bad.
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: Right. One other question is which basically is this. Have
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: you ever seen the red flag and decided to ignore
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: it because of you thought that it was like you
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: recognize the pattern of what the person was doing or saying,
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: as you know, just a character flaw or whatever are
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: just something you know that oh that's just the way
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: they are, you know, because that's the famous line that
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: you hear most people say, this is just how I am.
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: And even you know myself, I've said, hey, this is
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: just how I am as the younger version of myself.
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: But as I begin to get older, it's one of
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: those things where it's okay, yeah, yeah, that may be
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: something that I need to work on. And so recognizing
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: those types of red flags, do you continue to ignore
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: or do you speak on that when you recognize what
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: that person is?
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: And so for me, I married the red flag everything
• 3:28
  Speaker 2: that I know about this person, everything that was told
• 3:31
  Speaker 2: to me about this person. Two and two equal four,
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: and I chose to see thirty five for whatever reason.
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: I did it anyway, I heard the Lord say don't
• 3:46
  Speaker 2: do it, and I did it. And so at some
• 3:53
  Speaker 2: point the lessons come in, like okay, little dummy, me
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: let me show you what's getting ready to go.
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: Down what reasons do you have for actually ignoring those
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: red flags when you saw them, because it's something that
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: made you say, you know what, I'm just gonna ignore
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: these red flags because that's something that we need to
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: address as well. Like we see those signs and we
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: ignore them. What do you think made you ignore the
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: signs that you were given?
• 4:25
  Speaker 2: Hearing my mom in the back of my mind saying
• 4:28
  Speaker 2: that nobody will ever want you, your own biological mother
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: didn't want you, and you know, just going through that
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: process of I told you so, I didn't want to
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: hear it. Yeah, And so I wrote it out for
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: as long as I could, until I got to a
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: place where I was just like this person may possibly
• 4:55
  Speaker 2: kill me, okay, and I need to reevaluate how I'm
• 5:04
  Speaker 2: handling it. I mean, it's it was never one of
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: those things that happened and you could just ignore it
• 5:13
  Speaker 2: because we've had more bad times than we've had good times.
• 5:17
  Speaker 2: Like if I were to sit down and write out
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: a list of good versus bad, the bad would outweigh
• 5:25
  Speaker 2: the good by a long stretch. So just you know,
• 5:35
  Speaker 2: I have had a tough goal from the beginning, being adopted,
• 5:42
  Speaker 2: being born with the disability always being told that you know,
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: your parents didn't want you, being mistreated in foster care,
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: then getting adopted, and then you know, just hearing of
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: that nature put me in a place.
• 6:04
  Speaker 3: Of maybe she right, and so.
• 6:11
  Speaker 2: You know, I'm like, well, maybe this is what I'm
• 6:13
  Speaker 2: supposed to accept, And so I did for a while
• 6:19
  Speaker 2: until I heard the Lord say, Okay, that's enough. You
• 6:24
  Speaker 2: endured too much like I would. It was so bad,
• 6:29
  Speaker 2: Like I remember our twelfth year anniversary. I had a
• 6:35
  Speaker 2: bad habit.
• 6:36
  Speaker 3: Of putting like.
• 6:40
  Speaker 2: Little subtle, subtle things on Facebook, Like for our twelve
• 6:46
  Speaker 2: year anniversary, I posted twelve years of slaves.
• 6:51
  Speaker 3: Only a few.
• 6:52
  Speaker 2: People got it. I mean they knew what I was
• 6:55
  Speaker 2: talking about or whatever. You know. That's on me because
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: I could have left sooner than I did. I stayed
• 7:06
  Speaker 2: in it for twenty two years. I settled because I
• 7:13
  Speaker 2: didn't look at myself and feel like I deserved better.
• 7:17
  Speaker 2: I felt like this one person is the only person
• 7:21
  Speaker 2: who's going to accept the fact that I have spina
• 7:25
  Speaker 2: bit for the hydrocephalus, and I got all of this
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: stuff going on with my bladder and these headaches, these
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: nights where I don't go to sleep, and days where
• 7:38
  Speaker 2: I sleep days on end without waking up to the
• 7:43
  Speaker 2: hydrocephalis until I heard him say that had he known
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: that I had all of that going on, that he
• 7:54
  Speaker 2: never would have married me to start with. So I
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: guess I just try to pretty up my dark space.
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and I think that happens to a lot of us,
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: which is why. Part of the reasons why we ignore
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: those red signs is also if we don't feel good
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: about ourselves, we settle for what's available to us because
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: we've been beaten down so much that our self esteem
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: is low and we don't think much of ourselves, and
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: so we settle for where we are because we feel
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: like that's all that we can get, because we've been
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: told for so long that this is it, this is
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: all we're ever going to get. No one else is
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: going to want us, desire us, or ever you know,
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: give us more than what we give ourselves. And so
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: until we start to recognize that we are more than
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: what it is, and we have value, and we look
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: outside of someone else and start to look within, then
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: we can start to see the red flats for exactly
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: what they are and move away from that. Because when
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: you know that you are worthy of more, then you
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: seek more and you won't settle for less. And that's
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: one of the things that I can say. When I
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: left my relationship, my marriage, I did that inventory that
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: I talk a lot about. And when I started doing
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: that self inventory, like my relationship, like we were together
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: from teenagers, and the red flats that I ignored was especially
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: after like going into the marriage, I ignored the selfishness,
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: and it was you're selfish in the sense of you
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: only are thinking about what you want, not as us
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: as a whole, as a family unit, as befool. It
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: was it was us, but then as the responsibilities as
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: a family unit started to grow, it was more about
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: just him. And then it was like, okay, but I'm
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: thinking about us as a whole.
• 10:19
  Speaker 3: And when two.
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: Thousand and five came, it's like, dude, I'm still thinking
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: about us. And I went to him and I realized,
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: I'm like, hey, listen, I can tell that you're struggling.
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: I can tell you know we've been together so long.
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: Here is an opportunity for you to go out and
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: do what you need to do because we've been together
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: so long. This is my and I know it sounds crazy,
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: but this is where I was because I wanted my
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: relationship to work, and I was a family because I
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: grew up without my dad and my mom, so I
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: wanted my children to have something that I didn't have.
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: So I was trying to make the relationship the marriage
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: work because we were friends first, and I was banking
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: on the friendship, you know, And so I was like, Okay,
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: if you need to go out, do what you need
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: to do, find yourself and all of that. If you
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: can do that, just know that I'm still going to
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: be here because I don't have a desire to club.
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: I don't have a desire to be out in the
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: world that ain't tired. That's never who I've been. My
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: focus is on my family, my children, to make sure
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: that they're safe, they're happy. Because of my childhood, you know,
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: not having my mama, not having my daddy, I always
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: wanted to be the parent that I did not have.
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: So that's always been my desire and my focus. And
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: so with me focusing on that, that's what my desire was.
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: So I'm telling him, this is your way to go
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: and do what you need to do. But if you're
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: not going to take this out, I need you to
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: plug into this family. I need you to do what
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: is necessary, you know, to lead this family to do
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: what is necessary. But if you're not going to do that,
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: then let me know. And you would have thought he
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: would have probably taken that, but no, he didn't. And
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: then it ended up being he put us in a
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: situation where we did not have any hot water, We
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: did not have I'm boiling water for the children and
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: myself to take a bath. He getting up every morning
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: to go to his mama's house to take a shower.
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: Never once did he say, hey, be packed the kids up,
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: un let's go to mama's house and we all, you know,
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: bathe and you know, do what we need to do
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: so that we all can collectively do this.
• 12:58
  Speaker 3: No, it's him, you.
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: Know, And I'm like, I shouldn't have to do this
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: if you're my partner. And then not only that, he
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: lied to my dad about the bobing taken care of
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: because it was gas at that time, and he lied
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: to my father about it, and it's like you lied,
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: and then you're not taking care of the rent. Then
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: you lied about that. So then it's like, on top
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: of that, we're about to be evicted and you still
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: lying and it's putting the welfare of the children in jeopardy.
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: So now I have no other choice but to tell
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: you that I gotta go because you're not thinking of
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: us as a collective. It's about you. And then when
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: I made that decision to leave in two thousand and seven,
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: when I moved and I'm out there, the first thing
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: that he does is try to use our oldest child
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: to allow me to tell him that it's okay for
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: him to move in with us. No, we would not
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: even be in this position had you not done what
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: you did to cause the whole situation in the first place.
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: So if I you back after praying and asking God
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: to get me out of this situation, because I prayed
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: and ask God if this was where he if he
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: wanted me out of this situation, he was gonna have
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: to make a way for me to get out. Because
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: I didn't have a way. I didn't know what.
• 14:23
  Speaker 3: I was gonna do.
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: So God provided everything that I needed to get out
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: of that situation. So I would be crazy, and that
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: would be a slap in God's face to turn around
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: and bring this man right back into my life. And
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: so you can't come here, And so in that moment,
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: it was like, Okay, now I have to do some
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: more on me. I have to figure out what my
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: issues are. So I had to do the inventory for
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: myself to figure out what was broken in me, so
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: that I could not bring the new bag the old
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: bagage into new relationship that I had. Now it I'll
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: bring some old baggage into some new relationships. Yes, I did,
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: because I was bringing old baggage because it's like I
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: still didn't trust a man. I didn't trust anybody in
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: the sense of you telling me one thing, but you
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: doing something different. So I'm recognizing the patterns of what
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: you're saying, but I'm also watching what you're doing. So
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: you showing me the same thing, and he showed me.
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: So you ain't answering your phone. Yeah, you busy, you working,
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: But I also know that if you if you can
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: make time for certain things, you can make time if
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: it's important to you. So if I'm not important to you,
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: you're not gonna put that forth that effort in me.
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: But if I can make the time to be available
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: to you, I feel like you can adjust and do
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: the same thing for me.
• 15:55
  Speaker 3: And so.
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: I ignored some of those redfly soigned red flax because I
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: felt like, hey, you doing this over here. I get
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: that you busy. Hey, I'm gonna excuse that, and I'm gonna,
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: you know, try to make it work. But then it
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: got to be okay, you know what, I can't ignore
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: this no more because now you're being intentional, you giving
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: me little SIPs of water, and I'm dying of thirst
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: over here. But if you are thirsty and I'm giving
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: you the whole cup and you giving me a sip,
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: you don't care that I'm thirsty, but I'm making sure
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: that you are fully drenched. Baby, let me go on
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: and go on over here, because it ain't no need
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: for me to be over here dying of thirst and
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: you fully saturated. You ain't trying to give me nothing,
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: So let me just move on and not feel guilty.
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: And that was one of the things that I had
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: to learn. I don't need to feel guilty because you
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: already showed me you didn't care. So learning to move
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: on without feeling guilty, that was a hard thing. Beginning
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: is understanding that it's okay to move on and not
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: feel guilty for moving on, because I think that's another
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: reason why we ignore those red flags because we feel
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: guilty because we see potential in people and we want
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: to see the best in them, so we stick around
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: a little longer because we see those good things in them.
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: We know that they have good potential, they have good
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: you know, good qualities and things of that nature, and
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: we want to you know, we want to see them prosper.
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: But at the same time they breaking us down. But
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: we allowing them to break us while they're being built
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: for somebody else, and we don't get to see the
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: healed version. But we can't be broken in the midst
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: of them being healed. And that's one of the things
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: that we have to understand. We don't want to do
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: the mending for someone else if they're not going to
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: help us men and we men together, you know. And
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: I've I've had to learn that, you know. I don't
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: want to be mending all by myself, you know. And
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: I've had to unlearn some healthy some unhealthy things in
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: these relationships.
• 18:27
  Speaker 2: Erica Kemble Erica Kempbell said it best. I can't fix
• 18:31
  Speaker 2: you because I'm trying to fix me right, you know.
• 18:35
  Speaker 3: And and.
• 18:37
  Speaker 2: My thing has always been I'm a giver. Mm hmmm,
• 18:44
  Speaker 2: that's who I am. That's that's what I am. That's
• 18:48
  Speaker 2: who I've always been, and that's who I will always be.
• 18:52
  Speaker 2: But the thing of it is now knowing who to
• 18:56
  Speaker 2: give two if not to make, makes the difference, because
• 19:03
  Speaker 2: everybody that you're trying to help don't really want your help.
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: No, yeah, some people don't want your help.
• 19:12
  Speaker 2: And some people look at you like a lit like
• 19:15
  Speaker 2: a come up, and yeah, you know, they use you
• 19:19
  Speaker 2: for as long as you're usable. Yeah, they moved to
• 19:25
  Speaker 2: the next person or whatever. My thing with my marriage
• 19:29
  Speaker 2: was all the older people in my family stayed no
• 19:36
  Speaker 2: matter what, no matter what it looked like.
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: And I think it's a different day in time too,
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: because a lot off. Again, that was all they knew,
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: and they just knew to stay and stick it out.
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: They didn't. It wasn't a lot of divorce rates. And
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: they are forgiving, and I understand having forgiveness and given
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: grace and things that nature, but there are some things
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: that you just can't extend. You can only extend so
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: much grace. I am not God. I can't extend that
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: much grace and I can't get you that much because
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: if I'm giving you too much, then what is the
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: grace for me, you know, because you don't walk all
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: over me, and I ain't even got a backbone to
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: stand up bone anymore, because you don't broke everything in me,
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: and now I ain't got nothing left much more? Or
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: am I gonna let you take? How many more pieces
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: of me can I give you? And you still got
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: your hand out and you have depleted everything from me,
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: but yet you don't have nothing to give me in return.
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: That's not fair. But I think that Pepa stuck in
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: those relationships, and I think the older older family members
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: that you know, stayed in those relationships, and some were
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: good and happy, and they really withstood the test of times.
• 21:08
  Speaker 1: And that's not saying that.
• 21:11
  Speaker 3: They didn't go through they they didn't.
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: Know something, but they learned how to communicate with each other.
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: They knew they were not going to be those same
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: individuals that they were when they met at fifteen and
• 21:28
  Speaker 1: sixteen years old. They knew that they were going to change,
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: and they allowed each other that space to change into
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: those individuals that they did become as they got older.
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: And I think that's part of another reason why those
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: relationships did, the healthy ones did last as long as
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: they have because they allowed each other that space to
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: grow and become the individual. You know, but you got
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: some of those relationships and some now that they don't
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: have the space to be an individual outside of together.
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: They're soul together, that they don't have a life outside
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: of one another, that they can't function without each other,
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: and so they lose identity of who they once were.
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: Because I can honestly say that was another thing when
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: I left my marriage, I had to find myself all
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: over again because I didn't know who I was. Like
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: I did not know I was a wife and I
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: was a mother and that was it. I didn't know
• 22:44
  Speaker 1: who Trevino was anymore, and so I had to slowly
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: get back to who she was. And you know, Alita says,
• 22:53
  Speaker 1: we fight for things we missed in our adolescens, also
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: accepting the trauma because it becomes part. Yeah, and our
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: past can play a major part in while we accept
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: those red flags because we carry that trauma with us.
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: You know. That's like the baggage that I was talking about.
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: The baggage is what we bring with us. Like you
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: may have ended a relationship. Let's say my relationship was
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: thirteen years. I had four bags of luggage that I
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: ended that relationship with Now I got them four bags.
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: I don't take time to unpack those four bags. But
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: I start a new relationship with somebody, So I got
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: four bags that I've yet to unpack. I don't started
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: this new relationship. This new relationship lasts maybe one or
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: two years. Now, whatever issues that happen in this relationship
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: that I don't talk about, but I end up with
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: some issue and some trauma from that, whether it's lack
• 23:57
  Speaker 1: of communication, lack of affection, or whatever. I don't got
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: too most suitcases. So now I got six bags that
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: I'm carrying with me that I have yet to unpack.
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: So now it's more baggage just piled on to this
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: next new relationship that I go into. So now I
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: got to figure out am I gonna ever unpack the
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: first four so that I can even have a good,
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: healthy relationship and know it's always well, this is just
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: how I am. No, this ain't just how you are.
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: If you want better, you gotta start unpacking half of
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: that stuff. Because these people did not cut you, so
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: it ain't no reason for you to be bleeding all
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: over them. So you gotta start unpacking half of that stuff.
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: Half of that trauma so that you can truly heal
• 24:45
  Speaker 1: and see and recognize these patterns and these red flags
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: as they come. And also when you end in one relationship,
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: you gotta take the time out to be by yourself
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: so that you can understand and who you are and
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: being in that space in that time to identify who
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: you are, because trying to go into something else, why
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: you ain't even unpack that baggage from the last relationship.
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: You got six bags now you don't carry. So you
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: gotta take that time to unpack that baggage so that
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: you can spend that time getting to know yourself, getting
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: to know God a little bit more so that you
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: can hear him clearly. So when he tell you, ad
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: I ain't tell you nothing about this fool over here.
• 25:30
  Speaker 3: So you go.
• 25:31
  Speaker 1: You done went over there and signed up for something
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: I didn't tell you to sign up for. So now
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: you don't equip yourself, don't tie yourself to somebody I
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: didn't even send your way. You just he told you, hey, baby,
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: you're looking real nice today. You know, he telling you
• 25:47
  Speaker 1: all these sweet nothings, And now you don't fall head
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: over He was thinking he the right one for you.
• 25:52
  Speaker 1: And he ain't being not a dog on thing for you,
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: but told you you look good in that sundress you
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: had on. That's all the man said to you. He
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: ain't did nothing to you, He ain't even offered you
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: a prayer at all. But you like this the one
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: for me? God sent him. God ain't sending nobody. God
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: ain't even send an email of facts. It nothing.
• 26:12
  Speaker 3: But you don't overhe thinking that.
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: You get none of that, and you don't fail for it.
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: And then when it don't work, now you don't got
• 26:23
  Speaker 1: a whole nother suitcase. So now you got eight bags
• 26:28
  Speaker 1: because you didn't take the time out. So now you
• 26:31
  Speaker 1: got eight bags cause you ain't stopped to unpack nothing.
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: So what we gonna do? We got to sit and
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: unpack some of this stuff. We got to say, hey, listen,
• 26:44
  Speaker 1: what are we gonna do? Because if we keep ignoring
• 26:48
  Speaker 1: these red flags, were gonna keep repeating the cycle. We're
• 26:51
  Speaker 1: gonna keep walking into the same relationship with these different
• 26:54
  Speaker 1: men just because they got different faces and different faces,
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: they doing different things. And yeah, this one might treat
• 27:02
  Speaker 1: you right, pay all your bills, But then he over
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: here talking to set Tammy and Sally too, and you
• 27:10
  Speaker 1: don't even know about Tammy and Sally until you see
• 27:12
  Speaker 1: Tammy and Sally at the stone. She's like, hey, you
• 27:14
  Speaker 1: talking to my man over here, and it's like, okay, baby,
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: I didn't know he was talking to you. I don't
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: know nothing about this. You gotta hold Shirley and Barber
• 27:24
  Speaker 1: situation going on, and it's like, what is we doing?
• 27:29
  Speaker 1: You know, it's all of that. And then you got
• 27:33
  Speaker 1: the ones that'd be like, well, it's a fifty fifty
• 27:36
  Speaker 1: situation and if that works for you, baby, that's that's great.
• 27:39
  Speaker 1: But y'all, we got to have these conversations in the beginning,
• 27:42
  Speaker 1: and a lot of times we don't like to ask
• 27:45
  Speaker 1: these questions because we don't want to be offended, because
• 27:48
  Speaker 1: we don't want to run these people away. But if
• 27:50
  Speaker 1: you start being upfront and honest about what your expectations are,
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: you won't be so surprised and shocked because unexpected communications
• 28:01
  Speaker 1: leads to unexpected foolishness, you know, uncommunicated expectations. You get
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: what you asking for, which is absolutely nothing because you
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: didn't ask. But you didn't ask for nothing. You wasn't
• 28:17
  Speaker 1: clear on what your expectations were. You just assumed that
• 28:21
  Speaker 1: they were gonna get it right. But you never told
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: them what you expected. You never asked them what you
• 28:27
  Speaker 1: You never told them what you were looking for. You
• 28:29
  Speaker 1: never told them what you were willing to negotiate, what
• 28:32
  Speaker 1: you were willing to compromise. All you never said any
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: of those things. You just assumed that they were gonna
• 28:37
  Speaker 1: know exactly what it was. And so since you assume
• 28:42
  Speaker 1: you got what you was assuming.
• 28:43
  Speaker 2: Which was nothing, did he ask how do we heal
• 28:49
  Speaker 2: from those things?
• 28:53
  Speaker 1: First? We gotta acknowledge them. You can't heal from nothing
• 28:58
  Speaker 1: you don't acknowledge you know. Oh, that's one of the
• 29:01
  Speaker 1: things that we sit here and we say, hey, I'm
• 29:04
  Speaker 1: ready to heal, But then we run from acknowledging what
• 29:07
  Speaker 1: we need to heal from. You got a first name
• 29:11
  Speaker 1: what it is you need to heal from. When you
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: put a name to it and start speaking on it,
• 29:18
  Speaker 1: you can start the healing process, but you can't run
• 29:21
  Speaker 1: from it if you don't even acknowledge what it is
• 29:23
  Speaker 1: you need to heal from.
• 29:25
  Speaker 2: You also, you can't make excuses for it either.
• 29:31
  Speaker 3: You can't.
• 29:32
  Speaker 2: You can't see something that's wrong and say, well, you know,
• 29:41
  Speaker 2: I want to do it this way. Because I know
• 29:44
  Speaker 2: it'll work in.
• 29:46
  Speaker 3: The long run. Yeah, you know, it.
• 29:50
  Speaker 2: Don't work like that.
• 29:51
  Speaker 1: You can't be lying to yourself.
• 29:53
  Speaker 3: That's that's the thing.
• 29:54
  Speaker 1: You can't tell yourself no lie, and don't be giving
• 29:58
  Speaker 1: yourself no false hope. Don't be selling no no no,
• 30:05
  Speaker 1: don't sell no wolf tickets. Don't be selling no no
• 30:08
  Speaker 1: fairy tale stores. Be feeling honest with yourself. If you
• 30:13
  Speaker 1: know you ain't got yourself together, be honest, tell them
• 30:15
  Speaker 1: that you're still working on yourself, that you still a
• 30:18
  Speaker 1: work in progress, because we all are still a work
• 30:21
  Speaker 1: in progress. You know, when you know what your flowers are,
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: be upfront and honest with them, like mine is, like
• 30:28
  Speaker 1: I'm not good with now. It ain't no timetable. Only
• 30:34
  Speaker 1: you know, healing is a day by day, moment by
• 30:37
  Speaker 1: moment thing.
• 30:39
  Speaker 3: You heal everything.
• 30:41
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and what you need to work on is what
• 30:45
  Speaker 1: you need to work on. That's your personal thing and
• 30:47
  Speaker 1: you and God will figure that out when it's your time.
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: You know. The one thing I think most of us do.
• 30:55
  Speaker 1: We do lie to ourselves and things. You know, I'm good,
• 30:59
  Speaker 1: I don't need to work on this until a situation arises,
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: and then we like godda. I thought I had healed on,
• 31:06
  Speaker 1: I have moved on from that, And then you find
• 31:09
  Speaker 1: yourself in a situation where you have not quite healed
• 31:13
  Speaker 1: from that, and your partner may not even know that
• 31:17
  Speaker 1: you had a trauma. In a certain situation. It could
• 31:21
  Speaker 1: be something as simple as them raising their voice that
• 31:24
  Speaker 1: you in a different tone that you're unfamiliar with them using,
• 31:29
  Speaker 1: and you didn't know, and they didn't know, and so
• 31:33
  Speaker 1: now you don't shut down and you ain't talking to them,
• 31:37
  Speaker 1: and they don't know why you're not talking to them,
• 31:39
  Speaker 1: but you don't. Yeah, you didn't communicate that you don't
• 31:46
  Speaker 1: like raise tones, like, you didn't say that to them,
• 31:50
  Speaker 1: so they don't know. Like my thing is, I'm still
• 31:54
  Speaker 1: learning how to communicate in a way that's like I'm
• 32:04
  Speaker 1: a direct communicator, but at the same time, sometimes I
• 32:09
  Speaker 1: can be a little too direct and I'm not sure
• 32:14
  Speaker 1: on how to dial it back. So I'm working on that.
• 32:19
  Speaker 1: And it ain't easy, I.
• 32:22
  Speaker 2: Will say that, and I'm working on I'm working on
• 32:27
  Speaker 2: taking everything to heart. I take everything at face value,
• 32:31
  Speaker 2: and if it hurts my feelings, it hurts my feelings.
• 32:36
  Speaker 2: I have to learn that everything isn't a jab at me.
• 32:42
  Speaker 2: You know, everything that's being said, some things are being
• 32:45
  Speaker 2: said out of love, and I choose to take it
• 32:48
  Speaker 2: the wrong way indirectly because of past things that have
• 32:54
  Speaker 2: been said to me that I guess go inside with
• 32:59
  Speaker 2: what's being said now.
• 33:01
  Speaker 3: But yeah, say it in a different way.
• 33:04
  Speaker 2: But I look at love and things totally different now,
• 33:12
  Speaker 2: like don't don't, don't talk me to death, don't just
• 33:16
  Speaker 2: tell me you love me, show me.
• 33:19
  Speaker 3: Show.
• 33:22
  Speaker 2: It's not about gift giving because somebody can buy you
• 33:27
  Speaker 2: gifts and and I went through this. Somebody can buy
• 33:31
  Speaker 2: you gifts and still kick your tail and it doesn't
• 33:35
  Speaker 2: mean anything. It's not, it's not. I'm sorry, it's not,
• 33:41
  Speaker 2: it won't happen again. It's just a piece of jewelry
• 33:45
  Speaker 2: to Yeah, I guess as a bandage.
• 33:51
  Speaker 1: Sorry means nothing without change behavior. Absolutely, yeah, sorry, and
• 33:57
  Speaker 1: I'm good to say sorry. It didn't do what you did,
• 33:59
  Speaker 1: so right now, you save you're sorry for somebody who
• 34:02
  Speaker 1: cares because you did. You meant what you did, You
• 34:06
  Speaker 1: meant what you said. Yeah you you unless you change
• 34:11
  Speaker 1: your behavior, you meant exactly what you did. You said
• 34:14
  Speaker 1: what you said, you did what you did. And yeah, I.
• 34:23
  Speaker 2: Stand firmly on. If you thought it and you said it,
• 34:27
  Speaker 2: you meant it.
• 34:28
  Speaker 1: Mm hmm. And see, I'm not there with that joking stuff.
• 34:33
  Speaker 1: I was just joking.
• 34:34
  Speaker 3: Now you meant that.
• 34:38
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and see that people are like that. That's why
• 34:43
  Speaker 1: you know I have a limited number of friends because
• 34:47
  Speaker 1: you know I'm quick to cut you off in a heartbead.
• 34:50
  Speaker 1: I was just joking. Well, you can joke with somebody else,
• 34:53
  Speaker 1: because baby, that that was not a joke. That was intentional.
• 34:56
  Speaker 1: You meant everything you were saying in that moment. Now
• 34:59
  Speaker 1: I can take joke just like the next person. But
• 35:01
  Speaker 1: when you jabbing, I know that that was a jab
• 35:05
  Speaker 1: Like I know shade when I hear you know certain
• 35:10
  Speaker 1: things is just not shade.
• 35:11
  Speaker 3: You learn how to read the room early.
• 35:14
  Speaker 1: And sometimes, you know, I take the shade because sometimes
• 35:18
  Speaker 1: I may have needed the shelter. But at the same time,
• 35:21
  Speaker 1: best believe I know how to deal with you in
• 35:23
  Speaker 1: the future. You know, and I'm gonna take that shade
• 35:27
  Speaker 1: sometimes because I may have needed that shelter. But trust
• 35:31
  Speaker 1: and believe you won't get the same me the next
• 35:33
  Speaker 1: time we interact with each other.
• 35:35
  Speaker 3: I learned that.
• 35:37
  Speaker 2: There's also red flags in friendships. Yeah, that go unseen.
• 35:46
  Speaker 1: And un checked a lot of times too.
• 35:48
  Speaker 2: Example, when my mom died, I reached out to somebody
• 35:53
  Speaker 2: that I've known my entire life and told them Mom died.
• 35:59
  Speaker 2: And all they said was okay, okay, okay, No, you
• 36:07
  Speaker 2: have my conduct, you know. All they said was okay.
• 36:15
  Speaker 2: And I had to roll with it because I'm like,
• 36:18
  Speaker 2: that's how you view me, so I know where we stand.
• 36:24
  Speaker 2: I I don't take well to jokes too much, and
• 36:30
  Speaker 2: my mom used to really ride me about that. Lighten up.
• 36:33
  Speaker 2: It's just a joke. Everything is not just a joke.
• 36:37
  Speaker 2: I mean, like there's some truth in every he he
• 36:41
  Speaker 2: hall and.
• 36:42
  Speaker 1: So, and you can tell they are sincere jokes because
• 36:47
  Speaker 1: you want a goofball. But at the same time, there's
• 36:50
  Speaker 1: just certain things that I do not joke about. And
• 36:55
  Speaker 1: you can tell when a person is sincere and when
• 36:59
  Speaker 1: it's a time to joke and it's the time to
• 37:01
  Speaker 1: play and that kind of thing. And it's just like, Okay,
• 37:05
  Speaker 1: you was not joking when you said that. And I'm
• 37:09
  Speaker 1: big on catching things that are meant to be a jab,
• 37:17
  Speaker 1: so to speak, and so when it's meant to be
• 37:20
  Speaker 1: a jab or either well, I didn't mean it that way.
• 37:23
  Speaker 1: You took it the wrong way, especially like cause you
• 37:26
  Speaker 1: know people like they'll text something, you know, and they're
• 37:30
  Speaker 1: never like, well, I didn't mean it that way. No, no, no, no.
• 37:33
  Speaker 1: I read it the way that you sent it, and
• 37:36
  Speaker 1: the way that you sent it is the way that
• 37:37
  Speaker 1: you meant it. That's why it's like, if you didn't
• 37:39
  Speaker 1: mean it that way, baby, you should have called me
• 37:41
  Speaker 1: and told me that way. I could have heard it.
• 37:43
  Speaker 1: But it's still where you still saying it still sounds
• 37:47
  Speaker 1: the way that I read it. So either way you
• 37:51
  Speaker 1: said it, and I read it the same way that
• 37:53
  Speaker 1: you meant it, so it's not changing anything. You just
• 37:57
  Speaker 1: didn't think that I was gonna catch it the way
• 38:00
  Speaker 1: that you said it.
• 38:02
  Speaker 3: You tight it.
• 38:03
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I thought.
• 38:05
  Speaker 1: I was dismiss it, and I'm not. I'm calling you
• 38:08
  Speaker 1: on it right now because that's what you meant. And
• 38:11
  Speaker 1: if I let it slide once, you think I'm gonna
• 38:13
  Speaker 1: let it slide again, because if you did it once,
• 38:15
  Speaker 1: you'll do it twice. And if I don't catch you now,
• 38:19
  Speaker 1: then we're gonna be sitting here and you're gonna be
• 38:21
  Speaker 1: thinking you can do this again years from now.
• 38:24
  Speaker 3: Still, Yeah, jail I'm gonna.
• 38:26
  Speaker 1: Do that because we're finna have this conversation and we're
• 38:32
  Speaker 1: finna talk about it right here and right now, because
• 38:35
  Speaker 1: if I let you slide once, you gonna think you
• 38:37
  Speaker 1: can ice skate the next time, and then you're gonna
• 38:40
  Speaker 1: be ice skating and skiing and doing all kinds of
• 38:43
  Speaker 1: things and backflips and all this, and we ain't finna
• 38:46
  Speaker 1: have none of that. So let me go ahead and
• 38:48
  Speaker 1: tell you how you made me feel in this. And
• 38:51
  Speaker 1: like I had somebody one time they had said that
• 38:58
  Speaker 1: they were praying for me, but the way that they
• 39:03
  Speaker 1: put praying was p r e w uh huh. And
• 39:08
  Speaker 1: then I was like, and you know me, I called,
• 39:13
  Speaker 1: I said, you got something against me something? Well you
• 39:19
  Speaker 1: knew what I meant. If I knew exactly what you meant,
• 39:23
  Speaker 1: I wouldn't have called you. I said, because there are
• 39:25
  Speaker 1: two words I can look at this. I said, So
• 39:28
  Speaker 1: either you got something against me or you really not
• 39:31
  Speaker 1: trying to pray for me. You praying upon me. So
• 39:35
  Speaker 1: if that's what you're trying to do, then we need
• 39:37
  Speaker 1: to go ahead and cut this off. And I need
• 39:39
  Speaker 1: you to go your way, and I'm gonna go mine.
• 39:41
  Speaker 1: And then they were like you just acting like the devil.
• 39:43
  Speaker 1: I said, okay, see that, there we go. Let me
• 39:46
  Speaker 1: go ahead and cut you off because you intentionally meant
• 39:49
  Speaker 1: what you did. Yeah, I'm not gonna play this game
• 39:52
  Speaker 1: with you because you did that and you thought I
• 39:54
  Speaker 1: wasn't gonna catch you. You thought I'm gonna be sitting
• 39:56
  Speaker 1: here playing this game. Baby, you meant to text me
• 39:59
  Speaker 1: what you text me, and you thought I wasn't gonna
• 40:01
  Speaker 1: catch it, and I was just gonna brush it off
• 40:03
  Speaker 1: to the side. No, you text that because you thought
• 40:06
  Speaker 1: I wasn't gonna catch it. No, I caused you to
• 40:09
  Speaker 1: get the right implication and you answered the way I
• 40:12
  Speaker 1: needed you to answer. So, Baby, we done. We ain't
• 40:14
  Speaker 1: got to talk no more. You're going to do what
• 40:16
  Speaker 1: you need to do since you think I'm the devil.
• 40:18
  Speaker 1: Gone gone and associate with whoever you need to, because
• 40:22
  Speaker 1: the devil ain't over here, but he was with you.
• 40:24
  Speaker 1: So gone, mind your business, but don't come back over here.
• 40:28
  Speaker 1: Then had the nerve to try to show up in
• 40:29
  Speaker 1: my house like we've been to have a conversation. What
• 40:32
  Speaker 1: gone about your business? Don't come over here?
• 40:35
  Speaker 3: Wow, go on, cause my biggest flaw, my biggest flaw is.
• 40:44
  Speaker 2: Accepting apologies for the same behavior.
• 40:48
  Speaker 1: Oh yeah, you do do that.
• 40:50
  Speaker 3: I do, and I'm trying to.
• 40:55
  Speaker 2: Learn from that. But I do you.
• 40:58
  Speaker 1: Do be so forgiving, and I'll be like girl, and
• 41:02
  Speaker 1: I don't know where it comes from, because and I'd
• 41:05
  Speaker 1: be like, m you know better, and I.
• 41:12
  Speaker 3: No get But I.
• 41:14
  Speaker 2: Let a lot slide just for the sake of argument.
• 41:17
  Speaker 2: I don't like to I don't like the toffle with nobody.
• 41:21
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I know you don't like confrontation, and I say
• 41:25
  Speaker 1: I'm that. I can't say I don't like confrontation either.
• 41:31
  Speaker 1: But at the same time, you ain't gonna walk all
• 41:34
  Speaker 1: over me. Number one, I ain't four eight, and so
• 41:37
  Speaker 1: people that they're finna walk all over me because I
• 41:41
  Speaker 1: ain't before eight. But I have to quickly nip that
• 41:43
  Speaker 1: in the bud. First off, I might be small, but baby,
• 41:46
  Speaker 1: you're not gonna walk all over me. We not, Nah,
• 41:50
  Speaker 1: you ain't. You ain't gonna do that because I'm small
• 41:54
  Speaker 1: in statue in real life. So we got to establish
• 41:58
  Speaker 1: some boundaries right here and real quick, because if I
• 42:02
  Speaker 1: let you walk all over me like this, it's gonna
• 42:05
  Speaker 1: be a whole problem.
• 42:06
  Speaker 2: So I had earlier today says I'm five foot three,
• 42:11
  Speaker 2: but my attitude is six too.
• 42:14
  Speaker 1: Oh see, I need you one of them, but I
• 42:17
  Speaker 1: need mind to say full eight and I'm selling feet
• 42:21
  Speaker 1: tile that. Yeah, I need that. I'm gonna need me
• 42:26
  Speaker 1: a shirt like that because but you know, for a
• 42:32
  Speaker 1: long time, I did not speak up for myself a
• 42:35
  Speaker 1: lot because I didn't want nobody I didn't want. I
• 42:39
  Speaker 1: didn't like confrontation either. But when I realized big on,
• 42:46
  Speaker 1: you know, talking to me crazy and just saying whatever,
• 42:50
  Speaker 1: it was one of those things where it was like, okay,
• 42:52
  Speaker 1: either you're going to start standing up for yourself. And
• 42:55
  Speaker 1: I think it mostly happened after I had my stroke, honestly,
• 42:59
  Speaker 1: because before then, honey, now you weren't gonna talk to
• 43:05
  Speaker 1: me too, too crazy. But I think more so after
• 43:09
  Speaker 1: my stroke, I really became a whole lot more vocal
• 43:13
  Speaker 1: because once I realized stress is what caused my stroke.
• 43:20
  Speaker 1: I ain't holding on of this, this ain't got I
• 43:22
  Speaker 1: ain't got to take this.
• 43:24
  Speaker 2: So I think that's what caused my heart attack last year,
• 43:28
  Speaker 2: just holding it in and letting stuff slide and yeah.
• 43:33
  Speaker 1: And see, you can't do that because it will take
• 43:35
  Speaker 1: a toll on you physically. You have got to let
• 43:38
  Speaker 1: that stuff go. And if you holding on to that,
• 43:42
  Speaker 1: carrying that around with you and everything is going to
• 43:46
  Speaker 1: eat at you and it's going to take a toll
• 43:48
  Speaker 1: on you physically. So you have got to release that
• 43:52
  Speaker 1: that stuff, carrying that, holding on to it, doing all
• 43:57
  Speaker 1: of that stuff. You have got to let it go
• 43:59
  Speaker 1: because it's not healthy for you in any capacity. You
• 44:03
  Speaker 1: have got to let it go. You have got to say, hey,
• 44:08
  Speaker 1: either you or me, and I choose me, and you know,
• 44:15
  Speaker 1: letting go. Recognizing the red flags in these relationships, you
• 44:21
  Speaker 1: cannot ignore them at the sake of keeping somebody in
• 44:26
  Speaker 1: your space, keeping somebody in your life. You have got
• 44:31
  Speaker 1: to know when it's time to let them go. You know,
• 44:35
  Speaker 1: God to hold them them, yes, because you will end
• 44:40
  Speaker 1: up causing yourself so much harm. God is telling you
• 44:44
  Speaker 1: to let these people go, and you're sitting over here
• 44:47
  Speaker 1: wondering why you keep going through so much hell and turmoil,
• 44:51
  Speaker 1: and God is like, let go. I have told you
• 44:55
  Speaker 1: to let go, and you keep holding on. Yeah, like
• 45:00
  Speaker 1: you gotta let it go. If I'm telling you to
• 45:03
  Speaker 1: let it go, that means I got something greater for you.
• 45:06
  Speaker 1: It may not come while you're still holding on to this.
• 45:10
  Speaker 1: But if you want to hold on to it, then
• 45:12
  Speaker 1: guess what's gonna happen. You go continue to suffer until
• 45:15
  Speaker 1: you let it go. So you got all of these wounds,
• 45:19
  Speaker 1: all of these open swords, all of these cuts and
• 45:23
  Speaker 1: bruises and everything because you will not let go. You
• 45:27
  Speaker 1: gotta let go so God can help you with that
• 45:30
  Speaker 1: healing process, help you with that journey of healing and
• 45:36
  Speaker 1: becoming who you were destined to be and letting go
• 45:40
  Speaker 1: of that trauma, letting go and unpacking those suitcases so
• 45:45
  Speaker 1: that you become a lighter, more healthier version, so that
• 45:50
  Speaker 1: your husband or your wife can find you like they're
• 45:53
  Speaker 1: supposed to. But they can't find you if you won't
• 45:57
  Speaker 1: even let go of all of that baggage that you've
• 46:01
  Speaker 1: been holding on to. Like you keep hodling. This is
• 46:07
  Speaker 1: just how I am. But you change to get a job.
• 46:10
  Speaker 1: You learn new skills to get a job, You learn
• 46:13
  Speaker 1: new skills to start a business. You learn all of
• 46:15
  Speaker 1: these new things to better yourself in that aspects. But
• 46:20
  Speaker 1: when it comes to a relationship, you don't want to
• 46:23
  Speaker 1: unlearn nothing. You just wanna steak to. This is just
• 46:27
  Speaker 1: how I am take it or leave it, and then
• 46:29
  Speaker 1: get mad when the person say, well, I'm gonna leave it.
• 46:33
  Speaker 1: You know, this is what you asked for. You said
• 46:36
  Speaker 1: take it or leave it, and they decided to leave
• 46:39
  Speaker 1: it because they didn't want to deal with that headache
• 46:41
  Speaker 1: or that hassle. They said, I'm gonna leave it way
• 46:43
  Speaker 1: it's aid because it's not gonna cause me no more
• 46:46
  Speaker 1: headache and no pain. I can deal with my own
• 46:49
  Speaker 1: mess by myself. So if you don't want to deal
• 46:52
  Speaker 1: with your mess, why do I have to suffer and
• 46:54
  Speaker 1: deal with your mess? If you don't want to unpack nothing. Now,
• 46:58
  Speaker 1: there are some people who are willing to help you
• 47:01
  Speaker 1: unpack because they want to heal too, But you gotta
• 47:05
  Speaker 1: know who's worthy of helping you unpacked. But you don't
• 47:09
  Speaker 1: want somebody unpacking your suitcase and then they packing, they
• 47:12
  Speaker 1: putting they stuff in your suitcase like you you lighting
• 47:17
  Speaker 1: your low. But then they taking they stuff out they
• 47:19
  Speaker 1: suitcase and putting it in your suitcase. So now you
• 47:22
  Speaker 1: you don't picked up they traumas, you don't picked up
• 47:25
  Speaker 1: they stuff, and you like, no, no, no, baby, you're
• 47:28
  Speaker 1: gonna put that over there in the trash that's got
• 47:30
  Speaker 1: to go to the garbage that's got to go to
• 47:32
  Speaker 1: the landfill.
• 47:33
  Speaker 3: We have taken them back.
• 47:34
  Speaker 1: With us, like if we unpacking, we unpacking all of
• 47:39
  Speaker 1: this and we ain't taking it nowhere else. It's got
• 47:42
  Speaker 1: to go all the way out. So you got to
• 47:45
  Speaker 1: know that if somebody is willing to see that and
• 47:48
  Speaker 1: be honest with people and tell them, hey, look, this
• 47:52
  Speaker 1: is where I'm at in my life, this is my trauma,
• 47:55
  Speaker 1: this is what I'm dealing with. I ain't all the
• 47:57
  Speaker 1: way healed out on getting some domestic violence situations. I've
• 48:01
  Speaker 1: been hurt, I've been traumatized, and I'm not all the
• 48:05
  Speaker 1: way there yet. But if you're willing to be patient
• 48:08
  Speaker 1: with me and help me through this and whatever you've
• 48:11
  Speaker 1: been through, I can help you through that, and we
• 48:13
  Speaker 1: can love each other through this. And if I'm having
• 48:16
  Speaker 1: a moment and if I'm struggling with something, help me
• 48:19
  Speaker 1: through it, show me how to get to where you are,
• 48:23
  Speaker 1: love me through it. And if you're willing to love
• 48:26
  Speaker 1: me through it, I can love you through where you
• 48:28
  Speaker 1: are and we can grow and build together. But if
• 48:31
  Speaker 1: you're gonna tear me down like I've already been taught, baby,
• 48:34
  Speaker 1: we got to go. We ain't ain't no need for
• 48:37
  Speaker 1: us to even start nothing here.
• 48:39
  Speaker 2: And when you find something genuine, you know it because of.
• 48:45
  Speaker 1: Everybody, Sometimes you know it, sometimes you don't. Sometimes you don't.
• 48:50
  Speaker 2: But sometimes it's like it's different from everything that you've
• 48:56
  Speaker 2: gone through. It can be scary. It can be scary
• 49:01
  Speaker 2: like current situation for me. I found someone and he
• 49:11
  Speaker 2: loves the meat off my bones, and it's scary because
• 49:16
  Speaker 2: I've never had that. And then his parents are so
• 49:20
  Speaker 2: welcoming and his mom is just yeah's knees. And when
• 49:27
  Speaker 2: you go from now my ex mother in law, I
• 49:32
  Speaker 2: learned a lot from her. She taught me a lot,
• 49:36
  Speaker 2: a whole lot things that my mom didn't teach me.
• 49:39
  Speaker 2: So you know, I can never say anything bad about
• 49:42
  Speaker 2: her ever. But the object of it is to level up.
• 49:52
  Speaker 1: But you can still have somebody that's genuine and not
• 49:58
  Speaker 1: recognize them when you have them. And I'm a prime
• 50:02
  Speaker 1: example of that because when me and my fiance now
• 50:07
  Speaker 1: we met in twenty sex twenty sixteen.
• 50:11
  Speaker 2: And.
• 50:14
  Speaker 1: I ran him away. I did, and it was because
• 50:20
  Speaker 1: I was still unhealed. Right me being unhealed, I couldn't
• 50:26
  Speaker 1: see him for the man he is and the man
• 50:30
  Speaker 1: he was, and it's like, and where we are now,
• 50:36
  Speaker 1: it's like, okay, there's not much difference, but the difference
• 50:43
  Speaker 1: is I'm in a more healed space, so I can
• 50:46
  Speaker 1: recognize but he's doing the first time is the same
• 50:51
  Speaker 1: thing that he's been doing now. And I'm receptive now
• 50:56
  Speaker 1: was I And I still haven't been always receptive because
• 51:01
  Speaker 1: I'm still learning, you know. Like I said, I'm unlearning
• 51:05
  Speaker 1: things that I had used to survive, you know. And
• 51:11
  Speaker 1: I've been so independent my whole life that I've solely
• 51:16
  Speaker 1: been dependent on me and that's it. And so now
• 51:21
  Speaker 1: I have somebody, Hey, listen, today was a hard day.
• 51:24
  Speaker 1: I don't know, you know, how to do this. I
• 51:27
  Speaker 1: don't know what to do with this. And then I
• 51:29
  Speaker 1: got somebody I mentioned something too, and it's already taken
• 51:34
  Speaker 1: care of. And I'm like, I wasn't really asking you
• 51:37
  Speaker 1: to do that, and he's like, yeah, I know, you
• 51:40
  Speaker 1: wasn't what it's taken care of, you know. So having
• 51:44
  Speaker 1: that has been a difference, and I'm still learning how
• 51:48
  Speaker 1: to accept that. And it's it's new and it's different.
• 51:52
  Speaker 1: So you can still have somebody and not recognize it.
• 51:57
  Speaker 3: And also it can.
• 51:59
  Speaker 1: Be in it in a way that it all looks
• 52:03
  Speaker 1: fine until something happens and it's.
• 52:07
  Speaker 3: Like, what the hell right?
• 52:13
  Speaker 1: That still can happen? So you still have to pray
• 52:16
  Speaker 1: and ask God for desernment and ask him to prepare
• 52:20
  Speaker 1: yourself and prepare your heart for the person that He
• 52:23
  Speaker 1: has created for you and that you got meet in
• 52:27
  Speaker 1: the space in which He has for you, you know.
• 52:30
  Speaker 1: And so I always pray and I ask God to
• 52:33
  Speaker 1: make sure that we are doing what we're supposed to
• 52:37
  Speaker 1: do according to His will for us, you know, So
• 52:42
  Speaker 1: that that's been you know, because my prayer was, if
• 52:47
  Speaker 1: I've already met my husband and I ran him away,
• 52:50
  Speaker 1: please send him back. Because the thing of it is,
• 52:55
  Speaker 1: when you're broken and unhealed, you don't know what you're
• 53:00
  Speaker 1: doing because you're broken and unhealed, and so have to
• 53:06
  Speaker 1: work on healing. You have to work on those things.
• 53:09
  Speaker 1: And so when you start to recognize those broken pieces
• 53:13
  Speaker 1: of yourself, you tend to go through what you need
• 53:17
  Speaker 1: to heal and get those things together. And yeah, and
• 53:24
  Speaker 1: so you start to recognize what your own flaws are
• 53:27
  Speaker 1: and where you need to work and what you can
• 53:30
  Speaker 1: express to your partner. Hey, look, I'm still a work
• 53:34
  Speaker 1: in progress.
• 53:34
  Speaker 3: This is my.
• 53:36
  Speaker 1: Issue, and I struggle with this right here, Like I
• 53:41
  Speaker 1: tell him all the time, I struggle with asking for help.
• 53:44
  Speaker 1: I'm not good with that. So if I'm telling you,
• 53:48
  Speaker 1: or if I'm frustrated, understand that it has nothing to
• 53:51
  Speaker 1: do with you. If I'm telling you what's going on,
• 53:54
  Speaker 1: this is my frustration, this is what I'm dealing with.
• 53:58
  Speaker 1: And if you can see a need or ease it
• 54:03
  Speaker 1: in any capacity, I'm not gonna ask you. But if
• 54:09
  Speaker 1: you feel like you can help, then help. If you can't,
• 54:12
  Speaker 1: oh well, But if I'm frustrated, don't take it personal.
• 54:16
  Speaker 1: I'm just used to figuring it out myself. And if
• 54:19
  Speaker 1: I say, hey, I got it, I'm gonna figure it out,
• 54:23
  Speaker 1: then let me do that. But I don't need you
• 54:25
  Speaker 1: trying to force your way in, to try to overstep
• 54:29
  Speaker 1: because I'm not used and that may piss me off
• 54:33
  Speaker 1: because you're trying to overstep in something that I'm not
• 54:36
  Speaker 1: used to anybody doing for me, and so being able
• 54:41
  Speaker 1: to communicate that has been, you know, a growing space
• 54:45
  Speaker 1: for me.
• 54:46
  Speaker 3: So you know we're.
• 54:48
  Speaker 1: Gonna have to do a part two of this. We're
• 54:53
  Speaker 1: gonna have to do that. Hold on Lord, charge the laptop,
• 54:58
  Speaker 1: but well, I got the charge you right here, because
• 55:03
  Speaker 1: it'll say charge.
• 55:05
  Speaker 3: Okay, there we go.
• 55:08
  Speaker 1: But we're definitely gonna have to do a part two
• 55:11
  Speaker 1: of this because this was an interesting conversation. But relationships
• 55:17
  Speaker 1: and having a healthy relationship is important to lasting relationships,
• 55:23
  Speaker 1: and we'll probably not talk about red flags, but what
• 55:29
  Speaker 1: to do when you enter in to a healthy relationship
• 55:34
  Speaker 1: and how to continue to stay on those on that
• 55:39
  Speaker 1: that path because when you are in something that's good
• 55:44
  Speaker 1: and it feels good and you grow. Number one thing
• 55:47
  Speaker 1: I say is keeping God included from the beginning and
• 55:51
  Speaker 1: making sure that you have a prayer life, not just
• 55:55
  Speaker 1: with your partner, but with God himself, because if you
• 55:58
  Speaker 1: have that foundation and individually and then you have it
• 56:03
  Speaker 1: together collectively, and if you go to God when you're
• 56:07
  Speaker 1: having problems as individuals and as a couple, it builds
• 56:12
  Speaker 1: that foundation and no outsider will ever be able to
• 56:16
  Speaker 1: penetrate because the devil hates.
• 56:20
  Speaker 2: Union.
• 56:21
  Speaker 1: He hates you, you know, and so if he can
• 56:24
  Speaker 1: always infiltrate that union, he's going to do whatever he
• 56:28
  Speaker 1: can to break that up. So you have to have
• 56:32
  Speaker 1: that united front, so you know, stay in and keep
• 56:38
  Speaker 1: God included, that's all. Yeah, Like you got to keep
• 56:47
  Speaker 1: God included from start until the day you go back
• 56:51
  Speaker 1: to see him, you know, keep God included. Make sure
• 56:55
  Speaker 1: that he's the foundation and the coverage and the protection
• 56:59
  Speaker 1: of all. And if you ain't got people that's praying
• 57:02
  Speaker 1: for your relationship, make sure you ain't got nobody praying
• 57:05
  Speaker 1: against it. Keep them visions and them foods away from
• 57:08
  Speaker 1: it because everybody ain't happy for you. And know that,
• 57:13
  Speaker 1: you know, because misery loves company, and honey, it's gonna be.
• 57:19
  Speaker 1: And I heard like, if they can have misery at
• 57:24
  Speaker 1: more than anything, they gonna do that because people hate
• 57:28
  Speaker 1: to see other people happy for some reason. And I
• 57:30
  Speaker 1: don't understand that. If I'm happy, I want you to
• 57:33
  Speaker 1: be happy to. If I want a candle, I want
• 57:35
  Speaker 1: you to be lit too. So if I can pass
• 57:38
  Speaker 1: you my light, baby, let's light it up.
• 57:40
  Speaker 3: Let's do what.
• 57:42
  Speaker 1: Let's do this, Let's shine, let's let's let's grow, Let's
• 57:45
  Speaker 1: do that. But I don't want to dim no light.
• 57:47
  Speaker 1: I don't want none of that. Let's let's continue to
• 57:51
  Speaker 1: shine and do this. So we'll do this again. And
• 57:55
  Speaker 1: I want to thank you for being here with me. Tonight,
• 57:57
  Speaker 1: you know. Oh yeah, like we're gonna have to do
• 58:03
  Speaker 1: this again. My next show is going to be on Thursday,
• 58:09
  Speaker 1: the twenty third. I am going to have miss Alita
• 58:13
  Speaker 1: Robinson and we're going to be talking about her book.
• 58:19
  Speaker 1: It's the ninety day CEO the Mind Shift, and she
• 58:24
  Speaker 1: hasn't emit up in Columbia I Am Becoming, and so
• 58:29
  Speaker 1: we're going to be talking to her about her book
• 58:32
  Speaker 1: that I have helped her get published and everything. So yeah,
• 58:38
  Speaker 1: so we're gonna be talking to her. I had another
• 58:41
  Speaker 1: guest that was supposed to be scheduled, but honey, you
• 58:44
  Speaker 1: know how I am. If you move too slow, you
• 58:46
  Speaker 1: move your chance and I move right on to the
• 58:49
  Speaker 1: next person. And so Alita is my person. And so baby,
• 58:53
  Speaker 1: we're gonna be talking to her and it's going to
• 58:56
  Speaker 1: be a wonderful conversation because she is amazing and she
• 59:00
  Speaker 1: has this event coming up I Am Becoming, and it
• 59:03
  Speaker 1: is in Columbia, South Carolina, and so she is, she's
• 59:11
  Speaker 1: it's amazing. So if you're able to get to Columbia
• 59:16
  Speaker 1: May the sixteenth to I Am Becoming, please check this out.
• 59:21
  Speaker 1: Her information is shared on my page. It is also
• 59:25
  Speaker 1: on her page Alito Robinson, so please check her out.
• 59:31
  Speaker 1: But yeah, I am becoming May the sixteenth. Her book
• 59:35
  Speaker 1: is coming out May the sixteenth as well, so check
• 59:39
  Speaker 1: her out.
• 59:40
  Speaker 2: But you know.
• 59:45
  Speaker 1: Is this is the only thing he needs you to
• 59:47
  Speaker 1: do is be obedient to what he's called you to
• 59:49
  Speaker 1: do until then, I see you guys next time.
• 59:51
  Speaker 3: Good night night,