Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Strong Beliefs, Kind Words: Raising Kids Who Do Both | Ep. 144

Transcript

Strong Beliefs, Kind Words: Raising Kids Who Do Both | Ep. 144 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:06
  In a world where taking sides has become the norm, how do we raise kids who can maintain conviction while showing compassion?
• 0:16
  With division all around us.
• 0:20
  How can they hold firm to their beliefs while still respecting others?
• 0:27
  I'm Cheryl Lane, and on this episode of the Parenting Podcast, we're exploring how to nurture not just independent thinkers, but also respectful listeners.
• 0:39
  It's about holding strong positions while still valuing the person in you.
• 0:46
  Stay with us for a conversation that just might help how you tackle these tough topics at home.
• 1:01
  Cheryl: Well, I'm glad to be here, but I'm also sad to be here.
• 1:05
  Cheryl: Why?
• 1:06
  Cheryl: Because my son Jonathan is here from Austin.
• 1:09
  Christie: Yes, thank you for sharing your time with us.
• 1:12
  Cheryl: And then my daughter Joanna, because she works with a university, um, she's off for fall break.
• 1:18
  Cheryl: So everybody's at my
• 1:19
  Christie: house and I'm not there.
• 1:21
  Christie: Yeah.
• 1:22
  Christie: We'll talk real fast.
• 1:23
  Cheryl: oh, it's just so much fun,
• 1:27
  Christie: who's doing all the
• 1:28
  Ellen: cooking.
• 1:29
  Cheryl: Yeah, not me.
• 1:31
  Cheryl: I'm good.
• 1:32
  Cheryl: We can figure it out.
• 1:33
  Cheryl: The beauty of grown adults.
• 1:35
  Cheryl: Yeah, it sure is.
• 1:36
  Cheryl: So it's so much fun.
• 1:37
  Cheryl: But, you know, so when he and Ashley got married, they want to live in Austin.
• 1:43
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 1:44
  Cheryl: And so we go, that's okay.
• 1:46
  Cheryl: Except for the very.
• 1:48
  Cheryl: Serious decision that Jonathan had to make.
• 1:51
  Cheryl: Okay?
• 1:53
  Cheryl: And that is, are you gonna become a Spurs NBA fan or are you gonna stay a Thunder fan?
• 2:02
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 2:02
  Cheryl: I mean, y'all, this is priority,
• 2:04
  Christie: huge life decision.
• 2:06
  Christie: True.
• 2:06
  Christie: I mean above for some people, you're gonna marry above where you're going to live.
• 2:10
  Christie: That's right above the job.
• 2:12
  Christie: These are the priorities.
• 2:13
  Christie: Everything it is.
• 2:15
  Cheryl: Okay, he stayed loyal.
• 2:16
  Cheryl: And when they have certain games on days, he will wear his Thunder shirt.
• 2:20
  Cheryl: Oh.
• 2:20
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 2:21
  Ellen: He's a
• 2:22
  Cheryl: committed
• 2:23
  Ellen: loyalist.
• 2:23
  Ellen: He's doing a good job.
• 2:24
  Ellen: That reminds me, with Cheryl, one time, you and I, we were downtown and we're in a parking lot and they had spray painted this guy's head and stomach.
• 2:35
  Ellen: stuff on the side of a wall and Cheryl goes, do you know who he is?
• 2:39
  Ellen: I go, do you even have any idea who that is?
• 2:42
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 2:44
  Ellen: And I was like, no, is he a rock star or something?
• 2:47
  Cheryl: So for anybody who knows him, it's Steven Adams.
• 2:49
  Cheryl: Oh, I know it's when you're talking about, yes.
• 2:51
  Cheryl: Very distinctive.
• 2:53
  Cheryl: Anyone who knows.
• 2:54
  Cheryl: Anything about Thunder Oh, yeah, no idea.
• 2:57
  Ellen: I've been to one Thunder game because you went to a Thunder.
• 3:00
  Ellen: Yeah, years ago I enjoyed the guy who was sweeping more than I did the Thunder game because I am just It's not a sports person.
• 3:08
  Ellen: Oh,
• 3:08
  Christie: that's fun.
• 3:09
  Christie: Basketball is kind of the one sport I do enjoy.
• 3:11
  Christie: Yeah.
• 3:12
  Christie: Me too.
• 3:12
  Christie: I
• 3:12
  Ellen: do too.
• 3:13
  Ellen: I've been to them all as a faithful wife.
• 3:16
  Ellen: Oh, that's so nice.
• 3:17
  Ellen: And then, eventually, you know, I talked Mike into, you know, one of our adult children would love to go to Dallas with you to see a
• 3:25
  Christie: Well, the other day we were talking sports and I accidentally said the players were wearing costumes and I got laughed by them.
• 3:31
  Christie: My girls a lot of them are big on sports.
• 3:33
  Christie: And so, yeah, I got some laughs.
• 3:35
  Christie: Yes, I'm sure you did.
• 3:35
  Christie: I was like, I'm
• 3:36
  Cheryl: sorry.
• 3:36
  Cheryl: I meant uniforms.
• 3:38
  Cheryl: Well, the reason I'm an NBA fan is Jonathan's fault because he, you know, I don't know if I've mentioned it here but, Being widowed when he's our youngest and when he was a preteen young teen.
• 3:49
  Cheryl: I Wondered what in the world are we gonna do together, you know, because it's different from hanging out with your daughters, right?
• 3:55
  Cheryl: Yes watching chick flicks or uh huh or going clothes shopping.
• 3:58
  Cheryl: Uh huh and God had the thunder move here to Oklahoma City.
• 4:03
  Cheryl: Yeah, just the right time.
• 4:04
  Cheryl: And I don't know anything And so he started training me and so now I really am a thunderman.
• 4:09
  Cheryl: Fan.
• 4:09
  Ellen: I actually know a lot about sports.
• 4:12
  Ellen: I did not know that.
• 4:13
  Ellen: All No, I do.
• 4:14
  Ellen: I play dumb, but I do know a lot about sports.
• 4:16
  Ellen: I actually like playing basketball Better than watching it.
• 4:20
  Ellen: Oh, not, not at my age now.
• 4:22
  Ellen: Uh, but when I was younger I didn't know that.
• 4:23
  Ellen: Played a lot of basketball in high school and stuff, even though I was short.
• 4:27
  Ellen: In fact, I broke a girl's nose by accident.
• 4:30
  Ellen: 'cause she, no, Ellen, you should write a book.
• 4:33
  Ellen: I was hunched over and I was dribbling really fast.
• 4:35
  Ellen: I'm 5'3 and she was probably, she was a really tall girl.
• 4:38
  Ellen: She was probably 5'11 so she hunched over me.
• 4:41
  Ellen: When I, um, pulled up from a bent over position while I was dribbling to make the shot, I wound up Knocking my head right into her nose, broke her nose.
• 4:52
  Ellen: She never talked to me again.
• 4:53
  Ellen: Seriously, she stayed that mad.
• 4:57
  Christie: Wow.
• 4:59
  Christie: Short lived sports career.
• 5:02
  Christie: I know very little about most sports.
• 5:06
  Christie: I can hang enough through a football game to make the snacks.
• 5:09
  Christie: Yeah.
• 5:10
  Christie: You know, watch for Taylor Swift, but that's about what I do in football and I just love a good, a good party.
• 5:17
  Christie: So anything, you know, with everyone around together, it's, it's good for me.
• 5:21
  Christie: I've
• 5:21
  Ellen: gone to a Thunder Game with a book.
• 5:24
  Christie: Have you really?
• 5:24
  Christie: Oh my, yes.
• 5:26
  Ellen: When I read my little paperback, people give
• 5:27
  Christie: me dirty looks, but.
• 5:29
  Christie: Well, you know, You know, dirty looks, I bet, because people take sports really seriously,
• 5:34
  Cheryl: you know, actually, that's a little bit of a microcosm of what we're talking about, what's going on in our country and the world.
• 5:42
  Cheryl: You're right.
• 5:42
  Cheryl: Polarization.
• 5:43
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 5:44
  Cheryl: Everybody against everybody else.
• 5:46
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 5:47
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 5:47
  Cheryl: Rapid fans.
• 5:48
  Cheryl: Uh
• 5:48
  Ellen: huh.
• 5:49
  Ellen: Yeah, you can have fights all the time.
• 5:51
  Christie: Well, and it's like, that's starting to feel a little bit like a, uh, any other kind of event, right?
• 5:58
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 5:58
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 5:59
  Cheryl: So if our listeners you hadn't noticed this is an election year I'm just I never remember it being as Polarized and as you know, we are Thunder fans.
• 6:14
  Cheryl: We are Spurs fans Dallas we are Kansas City, right?
• 6:19
  Cheryl: our and that's just sports I'm a little bit speechless about it.
• 6:23
  Cheryl: I cannot believe what I'm seeing and the way people are treating each other.
• 6:27
  Ellen: Right.
• 6:28
  Ellen: Well, I had a really evil thought.
• 6:30
  Ellen: Uh oh.
• 6:31
  Ellen: There's, there's some signs and I won't say who, it doesn't matter.
• 6:34
  Ellen: There was some political signs in different yards and I was thinking, Oh, Halloween's here.
• 6:39
  Ellen: Maybe some of the kids will knock those signs down.
• 6:42
  Christie: I thought you were going to say you went and switched them all around.
• 6:44
  Christie: That's what I thought too.
• 6:45
  Christie: That's what she said.
• 6:46
  Christie: I'm not
• 6:47
  Ellen: that bad, but that was my evil thought.
• 6:48
  Ellen: I thought it was like, Oh, maybe some trick or treaters.
• 6:52
  Cheryl: But you know, it's interesting though, because in the past, if you switched them, everybody I think would think it was kind of funny.
• 6:59
  Cheryl: Right?
• 7:00
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 7:00
  Cheryl: You're right.
• 7:01
  Cheryl: Let's go back.
• 7:01
  Cheryl: I want them back.
• 7:02
  Cheryl: There's no lightness to anything anymore.
• 7:05
  Christie: Yeah.
• 7:05
  Christie: One of my kids texted one day and asked, have elections always been like this?
• 7:10
  Christie: Have they always been so divisive And you know, all my kids are voting age now.
• 7:15
  Christie: Right.
• 7:16
  Christie: And.
• 7:17
  Christie: I just, I, you know, and I'm relatively young, so I'm 45, when you think of like voting, you know, I've not been around for, compared to me, I've only been around a handful of elections.
• 7:27
  Christie: Wasn't
• 7:27
  Cheryl: Abraham Lincoln your first?
• 7:28
  Cheryl: That's right,
• 7:29
  Christie: he was.
• 7:30
  Christie: And so, for, you know, 10 years I was busy raising kids and not really politically aware.
• 7:35
  Christie: And so it made me sad though for them to have to come of age in this type of climate when it seems like rational thinking isn't always the priority.
• 7:46
  Ellen: I saw on um, either the news or YouTube or something, and I know we won't spend much more time, but this is kind of an example.
• 7:52
  Ellen: This young woman had destroyed.
• 7:55
  Ellen: a political sign that was in her neighbor's yard.
• 7:57
  Ellen: She just went up and destroyed it.
• 7:58
  Ellen: She got arrested and she was crying.
• 8:01
  Ellen: She couldn't believe she's trying to beg the guy not to press charges and trying to talk the cops out of arresting her.
• 8:08
  Ellen: And he said, no, that was my sign.
• 8:09
  Ellen: You destroyed it.
• 8:11
  Ellen: And she was all in shock that she didn't have the right to destroy somebody's political sign, because she disagreed that was on his property.
• 8:19
  Ellen: And it wasn't a
• 8:19
  Christie: little sign.
• 8:20
  Christie: It was a pretty big one.
• 8:21
  Christie: Well, and you know, what's funny is It's not funny, but I, I couldn't even guess who was on which side that you're describing right now.
• 8:28
  Christie: Yes.
• 8:29
  Christie: It's like that from both extreme ends.
• 8:32
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 8:33
  Cheryl: You know, I see people getting their ideas.
• 8:36
  Cheryl: Identity from the camps that they're in.
• 8:39
  Cheryl: Yes, and the separateness and very much like sports teams Yeah, and you know since this is a parenting podcast, I want to talk to you parents Because I think we should do something different in our homes that we should not develop camps against one another and And, you know, I mean, I'm thinking through how I was as a parent, and then, you know, I was in, uh, 11th grade, I think, before I realized I could have a value or an opinion different from my father.
• 9:10
  Christie: Wow.
• 9:10
  Christie: Wow.
• 9:10
  Christie: And that was really
• 9:12
  Cheryl: eye opening to me.
• 9:13
  Christie: Yeah.
• 9:13
  Cheryl: I think I realized that at about five.
• 9:15
  Christie: I believe it.
• 9:17
  That opened Months?
• 9:18
  Christie: Five months?
• 9:19
  Christie: Well, I remember having a moment where The news was on and something was being said of a politician and One of my girls said do we like him?
• 9:30
  Christie: She was probably eight or nine And when she said that to me, it was cute enough because of her age, but I just had this thought that she's looking to me to decide if we like him, if we like this person.
• 9:44
  Christie: And I, I kind of decided right then, like, I don't want my kids to look to me to make those decisions.
• 9:52
  Christie: I want to help them think through those things on their own.
• 9:55
  Christie: And you said the word value.
• 9:57
  Christie: We talk about values here all the time, but.
• 10:01
  Christie: When views become our identity, some values are worth being our identity.
• 10:05
  Cheryl: Well, let's think about that, because some really do matter.
• 10:08
  Cheryl: Right.
• 10:09
  Christie: The ones that will last forever.
• 10:11
  Ellen: Yes.
• 10:12
  Christie: Our
• 10:12
  Ellen: values are a reflection.
• 10:14
  Christie: yes
• 10:15
  Cheryl: For example, the, dignity, the value, the worth of people, that is a core value of mine.
• 10:22
  Cheryl: So, You know, I have to remember if that's upstream, then that's going to affect how I treat or act, tear down a political sign, how I respond to people.
• 10:32
  Cheryl: And so, with like what you're saying, I didn't always do a good job of that in my family.
• 10:38
  Cheryl: And I've gone back to my children and apologized.
• 10:40
  Cheryl: Because since that is a core value for me.
• 10:44
  Cheryl: I should have always presented a respectful way to talk about other people, even when they opposed us.
• 10:51
  Ellen: So my values are reflected in what I'm doing.
• 10:54
  Christie: yes
• 10:55
  Ellen: And then
• 10:55
  Cheryl: it could be someone else of a completely different worldview or anything else.
• 11:01
  Cheryl: If i have the, core value that we're going to show respect to other people, then it doesn't matter what's downstream and we would never consider tearing their sign down or tearing them down.
• 11:14
  Cheryl: We might have the thought, but we don't do the action.
• 11:18
  Cheryl: I wish I'd been wiser like you, Christie, and, and I'm trying to do it now I'm not saying that what I believed was wrong.
• 11:25
  Cheryl: Mm-Hmm.
• 11:25
  Cheryl: But I didn't handle it correctly.
• 11:27
  Cheryl: I didn't like how I approached and how I parented my kids.
• 11:30
  Christie: Well, and the tricky thing is, even though I had that thought in that moment, I wouldn't say I did it very well either because.
• 11:38
  Christie: What you believe kind of naturally comes out a lot of times, and it takes a lot of work to present some objective thoughts in your own home in front of your kids.
• 11:50
  Cheryl: Seeing I don't mind they're knowing it right.
• 11:53
  Cheryl: It's how we handle it Yes, and you know, I heard someone talking about and I'd love for us to talk about it Yeah, is they talked about the crucial difference between taking sides and having a position.
• 12:05
  Ellen: Yeah in that gray
• 12:08
  Cheryl: because like We're talking about NBA.
• 12:10
  Cheryl: That's taking sides, right?
• 12:12
  Cheryl: Okay, or a debate, like we're in a debate competition.
• 12:16
  Cheryl: I want to tear you down.
• 12:18
  Cheryl: And I've had conversations with people.
• 12:20
  Cheryl: I'm listening, I'm watching.
• 12:21
  Cheryl: every way I can shred what you're saying, right?
• 12:24
  Cheryl: I only listened.
• 12:26
  Cheryl: to tear you down to collecting
• 12:28
  Christie: ammunition to throw back at you.
• 12:30
  Christie: Exactly right.
• 12:31
  Cheryl: much of that do we see nowadays?
• 12:32
  Cheryl: And I wish I hadn't done that because I took sides and would explain my sides to the kids rather than saying, this is my position.
• 12:41
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 12:41
  Christie: Describe position.
• 12:43
  Christie: What would be the difference?
• 12:44
  Cheryl: Well, what is the difference?
• 12:45
  Cheryl: So position would be.
• 12:47
  Cheryl: A place of wanting to learn maybe that we simply you're taking sides.
• 12:51
  Cheryl: You don't have conversations You're not trying to affirm again value of the other person Mm hmm,
• 12:58
  Christie: So hold holding a position is going to be more about Because of your values your your experiences It it filters the way your perspective on the world is.
• 13:10
  Christie: Yeah, that's good, but you're still in a place of humility wanting to listen to the other person and hear yes their position on things rather than going to the battleground from the very front.
• 13:24
  Christie: It's already deciding what you think
• 13:26
  Cheryl: that this is a battle and like if you've ever been to a debate Okay, and of course, this is a year where debate has a different definition, right?
• 13:35
  Cheryl: But a legitimate debate where they say you're going to take the pro of this and you're going to take the con of this and you go at it and while the other person's talking, they are taking notes to pick the opposition apart and, you know, I confess I've done that, like even with Bill and I would do it or with the kids that you're listening just so you can attack their position and they go, Oh, you said, Oh, Always and you know, and your your approach the way you treat the other person.
• 14:06
  Cheryl: There is no Let's learn together about even if we still disagree.
• 14:11
  Christie: Right.
• 14:11
  Christie: And
• 14:11
  Cheryl: let's make our relationship Priority and that that's our value.
• 14:16
  Cheryl: We're just discussing our position on something Yeah, Yes.
• 14:21
  Ellen: Well, you know, when I think of you taking sides, that kind of feels like a divisive term for sure because it's like you're over here with the red people.
• 14:31
  Ellen: You're over here with the blue people us and them.
• 14:34
  Ellen: Yes, and then yes, and definitely
• 14:37
  Cheryl: That's when you know, it's a side by the position when you're saying.
• 14:41
  Cheryl: Y'all are them.
• 14:42
  Cheryl: Right.
• 14:43
  Cheryl: And this is us.
• 14:44
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 14:44
  Cheryl: And
• 14:44
  Christie: it, it's, you know, really tricky and hard to communicate to our kids how we want them to receive others, love others, serve others, be a blessing to others if we have these tones, and we all have them, of us and them, and your us is different than somebody else's us.
• 15:03
  Christie: Society's made up of sides, unfortunately.
• 15:05
  Christie: Mm
• 15:06
  Ellen: hmm.
• 15:06
  Ellen: It's And
• 15:07
  Christie: But we want to do something different.
• 15:08
  Christie: Yeah, that's good But I'm just saying,
• 15:12
  Ellen: When we're taking sides.
• 15:13
  Ellen: It means we're excluding people.
• 15:15
  Ellen: See, that's the difference.
• 15:16
  Ellen: when I make a decision, whatever it is, okay?
• 15:19
  Ellen: For example, Um, I'm going to be vegetarian, I'm going to be keto.
• 15:24
  Ellen: And so I can, you know, throw tomatoes on the other side if I'm going to be vegetarian, or I throw ribs.
• 15:30
  Cheryl: But if we could talk even passionately, about what led you to this, and we could hold deep convictions and Yes.
• 15:36
  Cheryl: of course, in the political realm, it's everybody in their corners.
• 15:41
  Cheryl: And you talked about us and them.
• 15:43
  Cheryl: It is 100 percent us and them.
• 15:46
  Cheryl: Right.
• 15:48
  Cheryl: And even among the us and them, then it breaks it down in that side to the us and them.
• 15:53
  Cheryl: Because you didn't hold this value the same way I did, you know?
• 15:57
  Cheryl: And so for me, what changed my life in relationships and in this area is when I realized I didn't want to treat anybody else as other.
• 16:06
  Christie: Yeah.
• 16:07
  Christie: Yeah, that's good Well, and that circles back to the dignity, value, and worth of another human being.
• 16:12
  Christie: Yeah.
• 16:13
  And
• 16:13
  Christie: they may see things differently than you see things because of their life experiences, their own personal values.
• 16:20
  Christie: But as a human, they have value and worth.
• 16:25
  Christie: And looking at them as a them and me as an us is damaging to any relationship.
• 16:31
  Cheryl: And that's the core value I want to pass on to my children.
• 16:35
  Cheryl: who wins an election
• 16:36
  Christie: Yeah.
• 16:37
  Cheryl: or a basketball game, that's pretty important.
• 16:40
  Ellen: That's you know, we need to ask ourselves as a parent.
• 16:42
  Ellen: Is this the hill I want to die on?
• 16:44
  Ellen: Is this what I want to fight about?
• 16:45
  Ellen: Is this what I want to argue about?
• 16:47
  Christie: Because that's what happens when you take
• 16:49
  Ellen: sides.
• 16:49
  Christie: And is it?
• 16:50
  Christie: It's worth throwing out my character.
• 16:52
  Christie: What do I want my kids to see in me of my character?
• 16:55
  Christie: Do I want them to see humility and a willingness to learn and grow and a desire to love others well?
• 17:02
  Cheryl: See, both of what y'all are saying is what helped me be reformed.
• 17:06
  Cheryl: To come to say, no, I want to have positions.
• 17:08
  Cheryl: Mm-Hmm.
• 17:08
  Cheryl: And I want to read about it.
• 17:10
  Cheryl: And learn about it, and think about it and come to what my positions are.
• 17:15
  Cheryl: And I don't mind firmly holding onto'em.
• 17:17
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 17:18
  Cheryl: yeah.
• 17:18
  Cheryl: I don't want to treat others with disrespect.
• 17:21
  Cheryl: Mm-Hmm.
• 17:21
  Cheryl: And even though I think you're wrong, right.
• 17:24
  Cheryl: Like, there's several ongoing conversations that Ellen and I have, and we have different positions on it.
• 17:30
  Cheryl: Yeah, yeah.
• 17:30
  Cheryl: And so we can really go at it in a respectful way, go, no, you're wrong, because of da da da da da.
• 17:36
  Cheryl: No, look at this.
• 17:37
  Cheryl: there's a lot of energy to it, and we can be passionate about it, but it's done in love.
• 17:43
  Cheryl: Right.
• 17:43
  Cheryl: We're modeling what we're talking about.
• 17:45
  Cheryl: And
• 17:45
  Ellen: when we're done with whatever we're discussing, we go on, go out to eat.
• 17:49
  Ellen: Right.
• 17:49
  Ellen: Let's go get dessert.
• 17:51
  Christie: Yes, exactly.
• 17:51
  Christie: Well, I remember when I was early married, I, I heard of a couple who each of them were registered to vote in different parties.
• 18:01
  Christie: And I remember being just so perplexed by that.
• 18:03
  Christie: How in the world could that work?
• 18:06
  Christie: How in the world could two people who seem to have such stark differences in their perspectives still love each other?
• 18:16
  Christie: Exactly right.
• 18:16
  Christie: And, but you guys are giving a great example of that.
• 18:19
  Christie: You guys have a deep friendship.
• 18:21
  Christie: I've watched it.
• 18:22
  Christie: It's years long.
• 18:23
  Christie: And you still have some disagreements on fairly significant matters, but you still love each other.
• 18:29
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 18:30
  Cheryl: And what you just said, I'm sad because I'm seeing.
• 18:33
  Cheryl: among people who would say loving others is a core value of theirs, and they want to demonstrate it with their lives, yet they're not doing it.
• 18:44
  Cheryl: It's not how they're treating others, no matter what position anyone takes.
• 18:49
  Cheryl: You can vehemently disagree.
• 18:51
  Cheryl: You can spend your money and your time and your vote and everything else.
• 18:57
  Cheryl: Are you actually living out your true values?
• 19:01
  Cheryl: And
• 19:02
  Christie: here's the real deal is that's what our kids are seeing.
• 19:05
  Christie: Yeah.
• 19:06
  Christie: Yeah.
• 19:06
  Christie: Our kids.
• 19:07
  Christie: They may or may not know how you vote.
• 19:09
  Christie: They may or may not know your opinion on the given, you know, news headline for the day, but they see your character lived out on a daily basis and, you know, there's a scripture that says, out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks.
• 19:23
  And
• 19:23
  Christie: I think that we, um, Forget that.
• 19:27
  Christie: Our actions and our words come from wherever our heart posture is.
• 19:31
  Christie: And so, I mean, I've had to check my heart on a lot of things that I realize I don't like what my kids are seeing in me right now.
• 19:37
  Christie: Yeah,
• 19:38
  Cheryl: and exactly this, I had to do what you're talking about.
• 19:42
  Cheryl: Because I've been convinced I wasn't loving others well.
• 19:47
  Cheryl: I was treating them as other.
• 19:49
  Cheryl: Now, I don't have to embrace everything.
• 19:50
  Cheryl: I don't have to change my positions on things.
• 19:53
  Cheryl: Ellen and I still disagree in these areas.
• 19:56
  Cheryl: unless she's gotten wiser this week.
• 20:01
  Cheryl: When I was convinced of this, I realized I had to go back to all my kids and apologize and say I was wrong in that.
• 20:08
  Cheryl: I did the wrong thing.
• 20:10
  Cheryl: I still believe what I was saying.
• 20:14
  Cheryl: My position was accurate, but I handled it wrong.
• 20:17
  Cheryl: I hope y'all forgive me.
• 20:18
  Cheryl: Don't follow in that.
• 20:19
  Cheryl: And they know where I stand, and I'm in a different place if we just talk politically than most of my kids, but we can have these fantastic conversations where we don't put our relationship at risk.
• 20:31
  Cheryl: We're not being disrespectful to one another, and Ellen, I've seen it with you and your children.
• 20:36
  Cheryl: yeah..
• 20:36
  Cheryl: It's okay.
• 20:37
  Cheryl: We agree to disagree.
• 20:38
  Cheryl: And if we want to, let's talk about it.
• 20:40
  Cheryl: Right.
• 20:41
  Cheryl: But we're going to do it with such respect to the other person.
• 20:44
  Cheryl: Well,
• 20:44
  Christie: yeah, I mean, circling back to that statement of my daughter saying, do we like him?
• 20:50
  Christie: You know, he's talking about having different opinions from our kids.
• 20:54
  Christie: And like I said, all my kids are in the adult world now.
• 20:58
  Christie: And, um, There's a lot of things that we find that we don't agree on.
• 21:03
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 21:03
  Christie: And I know sometimes that gives me a little bit of a panicked feeling when I first realized we don't agree.
• 21:10
  Christie: That same person that didn't understand how that marriage could work is still in there.
• 21:14
  Christie: And I, when I realized, Oh, they don't think what I think on that.
• 21:18
  Christie: But there have been so many times that if I listen to them.
• 21:21
  Christie: Right.
• 21:22
  Christie: I sometimes learn things that they're actually, they have better perspective on and I can learn from them and, and it's changed my mind on a few things.
• 21:31
  Christie: Now there's some things I still hold fast to and I'm like, no, I still stand where I stand, but I still love you and I'm proud of you for being a thinking person that's looked at this objectively and made your own.
• 21:43
  Christie: Determination.
• 21:44
  Christie: Wow.
• 21:44
  Cheryl: That is great parenting.
• 21:46
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 21:46
  Cheryl: I love you're living out your values.
• 21:48
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 21:49
  Cheryl: And it's great parenting.
• 21:50
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 21:51
  Cheryl: Now, what you just talked about, about figuring out your position and thinking it through, we are out of time.
• 21:58
  Cheryl: And we've just been talking about this issue that's politically, uh, in the area of religion, race, worldview everything that this would apply to all of those areas, but you said listening to them and talking about it.
• 22:16
  Cheryl: What about if we come back in and we discuss how you can do that?
• 22:20
  Cheryl: How do you hold a a core value or belief or a position and then teach your children not to copycat believe after me, but how do they think critically?
• 22:35
  Cheryl: Yeah, that's a good way to put it.
• 22:38
  Cheryl: Like, thinking critically doesn't mean to be critical, but maybe some ideas of me, how to equip parents, how to walk with their kids through how to think through beliefs
• 22:50
  to
• 22:51
  Cheryl: equip their children for their whole lives, not just carbon copy, regurgitating what we say.
• 22:57
  Cheryl: Right.
• 22:58
  Cheryl: Yeah, That's
• 22:59
  Christie: good.
• 22:59
  Christie: Yeah.
• 23:00
  Christie: That's that's a worthwhile conversation.
• 23:02
  Christie: For sure.
• 23:02
  Christie: We should do that.
• 23:03
  Christie: Let's do it.
• 23:04
  Christie: Okay.
• 23:04
  Cheryl: I agree.
• 23:06
  Christie: We're all in agreement on this.
• 23:08
  Christie: I'm not taking sides.
• 23:09
  Christie: I just agree.
• 23:10
  Christie: We're the right people.
• 23:12
  Cheryl: Okay, parents.
• 23:13
  Cheryl: So hang in there.
• 23:14
  Cheryl: Keep loving.
• 23:15
  Cheryl: Keep persevering because it's worth it.
• 23:24
  Parenting in this polarized world can feel like walking a tightrope.
• 23:30
  I know.
• 23:32
  Like I said, I've struggled with it myself, finding that balance between teaching my kids what I believe while also making space for them to discover how they see things.
• 23:45
  One of the key takeaways from today is that holding strong positions is key.
• 23:50
  is different from taking sides.
• 23:53
  That's the kind of culture shift we want to aim for in our homes.
• 23:59
  Now that we've got these insights, how can we start bringing them into our everyday parenting?
• 24:06
  Try setting a simple goal this week.
• 24:09
  Have one conversation with your child, whatever their age, where the focus is purely on understanding their perspective Even if you don't agree, it's about the long game, building a foundation of respect that lasts.
• 24:27
  And if this episode sparked something for you, let's keep talking.
• 24:32
  DM us on social media or email us at contact at theparentingpodcast.
• 24:38
  com.
• 24:40
  Keep guiding with grace, because your efforts are shaping the next generation.