Latest / Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce / Why You Beat Up the One Person Who Isn’t Giving You Approval | The 'NEW' Marriage | Ep445

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Why You Beat Up the One Person Who Isn’t Giving You Approval | The 'NEW' Marriage | Ep445 · Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_02: You're nicer to everyone else than you are to your deep boast.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_02: Sexless marriage.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_02: The number one relationship hack.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_02: Answer the question: The impact that impacts trust.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_02: Getting your partner on board.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_02: You're nicer to everyone else than you are to your boast.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_02: Welcome to the Moral Marriage Podcast, guys.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_02: And I wanted to bring this up because every single time, so I started I started doing this as a written post uh about four years ago, maybe three.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_02: And then I started to uh do reels, and the reels went mega viral.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_02: And now I have a song, She Deserves Your Best, and it is extremely popular.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_02: And uh I actually uh you know I'm pretty good with where I'm at and who I used to be, but I get a lot of DMs, and you know, uh basically you comment on social media, and then I will um I'll like it'll send an automated message and it'll say, you know, what made you stick around?
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_02: And I can't tell you how many women especially send, well, really only send in the link to the real, which is um you're nicer to everyone else than you are to your wife.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_02: And it makes me very emotional because um immediately, every single time, I haven't think I've told you this funny, but every single time that that comes in, I feel this wave of emotion because I remember being out and having fun with fake confidence, being charismatic, being funny, and just laughter, life of the party or whatever.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_02: And then we would get into a cab and I would lay into you.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_01: And that's all true, but I was the life of the party, not yet.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_02: He's delusional.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_02: Probably why I laid into her.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_02: Why didn't you love me?
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_02: Why are you loving everybody fucking else?
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_02: And so I just he was the life of the party, too.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_02: I just thought it'd be funny.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: But it was true.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: We would have a great night, and then we'd get in the cab, and then I don't know how cab drivers didn't call the police, actually.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: There were so many people.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_02: That's what I was just gonna say.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_01: There were so many like and I would just try to like I guess prevent him from escalating, and I'd like I'd be like, stop.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_02: And I would just but then we'd get so I'd lay into her, I would just I would just be it would be non-stop, and then um I would do but fall over into the house just screaming and the I wouldn't even call it lecture at this point.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_02: I was already screaming in the cap.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: Like it would start with a lecture, escalate quickly to you didn't scream in the cap, but you definitely got very elevated.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_01: Like I am surprised that we're gonna be able to get it.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_02: Like then we get into the house and this would be like slammed the cab door cab door on me.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_02: That part I don't remember.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_02: Let's uh carry on.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_02: So I'm sorry, but oh you don't know.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_02: I apologize now.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_01: So I slammed it right back so we ended the cap.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_02: And then this would go on, and often these this she's nicer to everyone else, real.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_02: Often that being mean to Catherine would then carry on throughout the night, the next day.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_02: Sometimes she couldn't go to work, do whatever she had to do, uh, or we'd go separate ways.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_02: I don't work, she did whatever she had to do, she worked, or she, whatever, and then it would just carry on, and this would go on for like the whole week, and it could go on and on and on.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_02: But I wanted to bring this up because there's a few key things, and I brought this up a lot, so I'm just gonna get the first one out of the way.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_02: Number one, you want our life, you like learning from us, you wish your man understood what I know.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_02: She was a reason I changed, not because she did the work, because she started her journey first and loved me differently.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, I I'm not gonna bring it up too much right now because then there's a bunch of podcast episodes airing about this, and we're making it very, very clear.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_02: You can't want what we have and not do what we did.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_02: And Catherine was the catalyst.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_02: There's another key thing that I want to bring up here, and that is that what you don't understand is we we tend to think, oh, you know better, you're nicer to your boss, to your friends, to the people at the party, to whoever you're you're schmoozing with, the strangers.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_02: And I I believe you even said that to me.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_02: Like you you must you know better, you know how to treat other people, but yeah, I I I beg to differ.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_02: I beg to differ, okay?
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_02: And the reason I beg to differ is because I truly believe that if you're a person who has this whole uh side of you that no one gets to see, you're just pleasant, you're wonderful, you're charismatic, you're fun, you're everything.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_02: You're putting on a show.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_02: Remember what I said earlier when I started this?
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_02: I said fake confidence.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_02: So I would I was essentially pretending, I was essentially performing.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_02: And so uh that's why that you know tonight's song that's releasing is the uh the impact phase of the third stage of marriage, okay?
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_02: And it specifically talks about not performing, you're now learning to be who you are, and you'll get sucked back into this selfish phase.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_02: The selfish phase is what when you don't know who you are, when you take it from your partner, you destroy them to feel better.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_02: So it doesn't matter.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_02: I know that I'm I'm writing about myself speaking to old me from new me when I do content.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, but some of you need to realize that this goes both ways.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_02: The amount of men that comment, uh it's the other way around.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_02: She's super sweet to everybody else, she's loving, she's tender, she's empathetic, and then she fucking rips a strip off me.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, no shit.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_02: It goes both ways.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_02: What you need to understand is whether you're a man or your woman, if you guys Catherine believed that you know the difference because you put on the show, you don't know the difference.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_02: You're putting on the show looking for approval, but you don't have it from your partner, so you beat the shit out of them with your words, with your fists, with your fucking throwing shit in the house, with whatever the fuck you do.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_02: And I think that's really important.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_02: I want to hear your perceptive.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I disagree on that you don't know better.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I think if you would if you can put on a show for everybody else, why can't you at least act the act when you're with your partner?
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: Great question.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_01: Because then you would get back what you want.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_01: Like if you're not getting the love from your partner, if you actually treat them the way that you you know that you should, then you would probably get that from your partner, but you don't treat them that way.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_02: This is awesome.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_02: We we debate very little.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_02: I always lose.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_02: But today I'm gonna win.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, okay.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_02: I love it.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_02: Here's what, here's why, okay, because this is ex-hear what she I want to repeat what she said.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_02: She said, Yeah, but if you treat everybody else the way that you're acting in the real world, okay, if you treat her the same way, you're gonna get the love in return.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, no, because that's the same thing when I talk about the nice guy triangle, and I'm like, you can love, love, love, love, love in this corner until you don't feel like you get it as much, and then you pull back, you're now this guy, you're coping, you know, whatever you do to cope, maybe you work more, drink porn, whatever you do, glass of Pinot, I don't fucking know.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_02: And then and you pull back, you shut down, you did your responsibilities, you don't love as much, and then you become the third person who wants to talk about it, fix it, lecture, ultimately get angry, probably.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, I hate that one.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, that one's the bastard.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_02: Now, that's three different people.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_02: You might know better in here, and that's what everybody says.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_02: If I say who she's supposed to love, a lot of times a guy on a call will say, Well, the guy that loved her, if she would just love me, then I wouldn't I wouldn't slip into man two or man three.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_02: This is you two ladies, okay?
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, so that's what you're saying right now.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_02: You're saying, well, no, no, if you just love me, treat everybody like you should everybody else, but do treat me like you would treat everybody else.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, okay.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: I don't care if it's fake, do it.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_02: I like it.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_02: But but here's the thing it doesn't work because that same performer can't keep the performance up with you.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_02: Who knows different, who knows better, who knows it's really fake.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_01: How would I know?
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: If you how would I know it was fake?
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_02: Listen, it's the way it goes.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_02: You can't put, let's use sex as an example.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_02: Like you you is if a man needs sex to feel loved and and feel whole, okay, then when you're when he's performing and you're like, okay, I'm gonna perform too, and I'm gonna do the thing, it's not the same connection.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_02: He feels it, nothing will ever be good enough.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_02: Number one, number two, nothing will ever be good enough.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: So it'll be fake, and I just won't fall for it.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_02: So you could have learned it that way, like you treated everybody else, but I would have been like, No, not knowing that, because the second part of the equation is that you you can't keep up because this is never love you enough if you'd always be.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_02: Score keeping, covert contracts, right?
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_02: Everything is like uh I do this so that you will love me for that, even saying I love you, which means it's impossible.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_02: And they tried it.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_02: I tried it on you.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_02: Now you don't know it's covert, okay?
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_02: But you love, love, love, but nothing is ever good enough.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_02: Think back to the beginning.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_02: Some of you guys have seen the very that first fight that Catherine uh and I talked about was like uh I don't remember how many months or years later it was, but it was off of a thing like very early in our relationship where she was talking about uh I said something about well, you're not gonna find better than me.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_02: And I don't remember what that was about, but I certainly had probably returned and like like like I'm awesome.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_02: In my head, needed to hear her say, Yeah, nobody's as good as you, okay.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_02: But she didn't.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_02: She was like, Well, realistically, I did it.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_02: I met there, gentlemen, good people, like I don't know what you're talking about, and she wasn't gonna compromise.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, but but she should.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_02: No, but she you should, because it's authentic.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, I could have been more sensitive to you needing to feel loved.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_02: What you didn't know, but like, yeah, so like a way a way that you could handle that now would be like, well, even if you said that you dated some nice men or whatever, you could never dated any men, by the way.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_02: I've learned that's not true.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_02: I'm not like that.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_02: Don't make don't make them think I'm like that.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_01: So the the thing is you've never dated any women either, guys.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, I definitely did not.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_02: Um because I killed them.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_02: No big small guys.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_02: Because we actually wish that we would have just met each other and figured this out.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_02: You guys that call us trying to throw away 30 or 40 years because you met each other in middle school or kindergarten or high school.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_02: Save it.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_02: Anyway, um, yeah, Catherine could have easily said something like, you know, I did date nice men, but like you got it going on.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: But I picked you.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, or I picked you, something like that.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_02: But it wasn't like that.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_01: It was more defensive, like I was so confused.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, what do you what do you mean?
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_01: Like you're trying to and I took it personally because I thought you were saying that I didn't deserve to date nice men.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, What do you but like what do you think I attract?
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_01: I was like so offended.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, why would you think I don't date nice men?
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, I was I was dumbfounded.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't know what to think of that.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_01: So I was like, See, I got defensive, which was my thing.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_02: If your partner is nicer to everyone else, they don't even know how to love.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_02: They're actually just trying to, but they don't feel like they're winning because they feel a sense of worthlessness.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_02: And so they take it on their partner.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_02: Somebody says here, Chelsea said, We're naturally short with those closer to us because we think they'll never leave.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_02: That's not true.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_02: I think that we think that we take them for granted.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_02: We think that they should love us regardless.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_02: We think things like, um, you should love me for me.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_02: No, the truth is you can learn to naturally love the ones you love the most, but also everyone else equally.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_02: The only thing that the rest of the world doesn't get is the intimacy as in physical, true intimacy, deep, deep connection, and sex, obviously.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_01: But they can still get the best of you.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_01: Of course.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_02: Somebody else says, I've said no one will love you the way that I do because no one else will put up with you.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_01: But you should not say that out loud.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_02: That's a terrible thing to say.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_01: You can think it when things are going poorly.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, but then if the censor comes out of your mouth, because that's not true.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_01: Because any other good man, if you're a good man, they would put up with her too for the same reasons that you did.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_02: So And actually, something that we learned along the way in our journey is that the parts that we don't like about each other, which are very few, but the things that we dislike actually contribute and are part of the things that we love.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I just used this example today.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, go.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_01: So the president of our company, we were having a uh just a bit of an issue with something in the company.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_01: And he ended up saying, Oh, I'm I'm so sorry, I'm a bit of a shark, let's say.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, Well, I don't want you to lose that part.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_01: I love that you're a shark.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_01: And Cass and I actually believe because his shark attitude got him in a little bit of trouble because of the way he did something.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_02: What do you mean by shark?
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I I I I can't really I can't say can't go in any detail.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_01: Uh let's say um when I want something, I go get it.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, no matter what.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_01: So really determined I'm shark.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_01: And so thank you, honey, for making me articulate that.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, well, I don't want you to lose your sharkishness.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want you to stop being a shark because that's so beneficial for other aspects of the business.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_01: And Cass and I actually believe that some of the best qualities can also be the worst qualities depending on the situation.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_01: I use myself as an example.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_01: So I can be very abrupt, very sharp, like very to the point, and I can sometimes hurt people's feelings.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_01: However, that same quality, I'm very decisive.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_01: I respond amazingly in emergencies.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_01: I can I can think very quickly and get the right answer and be able to move forward.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_01: And there's a lot of there's a lot of things.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_01: So you think about maybe I'm I'm a little bit abrupt, but I'm also I'm like so great at making decisions under pressure.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_01: And so that's an example of the same thing as the sharkishness.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_02: And I tie that to your like ability to have fun and change the atmosphere when I don't know, like it starts to rain day.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_02: Like you can just literally like just or or me, if I start to have something like I don't really have, let's say, episodes anymore, but if I start to feel something, she senses it and she can use that energy and just boom very quickly.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_01: And so it's so there's a good and a bad.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it really is.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_02: There really is.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_02: I I'll give you another example, and this one might really hit you home, and then and then I think we'll end the show, we'll start taking calls.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_02: Uh so call 1888-968-5635.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_02: Um, we'll get your marriage questions answered.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_02: But here's the thing you know, we look at narcissism, for example.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_02: If you look at some of the most successful people in the world, they definitely are narcissistic or have a lot of narcissistic tendencies because of their need to believe in themselves and to take from others, i.e., succeed, uh, you become very, very successful.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_02: Now, you I'm not saying that's good.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_02: I manage my narcissism now.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_02: That's why I can work the way I do.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_01: It's why it's a quality that is essential almost in success.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_02: So what you have to understand is the parts that are bad ultimately will always mean good.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_02: Let's type back to the beginning of the episode and we'll end this here.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_02: Like if you understand that they really don't know who they are, I didn't know who I was either.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_02: My definition of narcissism or actually any abuser is you don't know who you are, so you don't know how to receive love, therefore you don't know how to love consistently, and therefore you take it from someone else, however, that looks for you.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_02: I emotionally, physically, sexually abuse.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_02: The point is that when she figured that out, oh, you don't know who you are.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, he's like a little boy still, like not in a negative way, the way you guys like to comment on social media, like he's never healed, he was never loved.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_02: She would teach me what my parents were doing was abused from the beginning.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_02: I had no idea because they didn't punch me in the face.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_02: Like from the beginning.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_02: And when she started to connect to dots, a woman has power, and a woman like Kathry can change everything in their life.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna leave it right now.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_02: Make sure you guys call it 1888 968 5635, and we'll see you next time.