Latest / Mom Wars / Resilience

Transcript

Resilience · Mom Wars

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome to another episode of your semi new
• 0:04
  Speaker 1: favorite podcast. I am your co host, Bethany Mandel. I
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: am a mom of six contributor for the Washington Examiner,
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: and I write very frequently for The New York Post.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: And I am waking up tomorrow morning at three am
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: to co host WML Morning Radio. I'm really excited about it.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: I am joined by my co host.
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: Bari Kennedy, mom of one who's ten months old and pregnant.
• 0:32
  Speaker 2: I think I'm like Needy twelve weeks pregnant. That sounds
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: about right, But yeah, when you meant to tell people
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: that everybody's known and we are joined.
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: By real person, right person? Did I say it? Right person?
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: Dang it? All right? She is a communications specialist, expert,
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: and she is the proprietor of a really super fun
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: Instagram account. She's not an influencer though, but it's a
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: super fun influencer account. Like, dang it, I listen Instagram.
• 1:07
  Speaker 3: I can influence you.
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: You do influence me. It's called Books with Brielle. It's
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: about books. It's a books to gram and she if
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: you are watching this, if you so, if you are
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: a subscriber to our substac You can watch our our podcasts.
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: You'll see me in my in my Hanaka pajamas almost
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: every single episode because we record at night and I
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: really like my Hanka pajamas. But we also post on
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: our social media some clips and so you'll see Brielle's
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: amazing bookshelf behind her. But if you are ever looking
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: for like the next thing that you're reading, this is
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: where you need to go.
• 1:45
  Speaker 3: I love that.
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: Where else do people find their books? I don't know.
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: I think there's there's what is that called the the
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: app that people use to find books. Good read Yeah,
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: good Reads. I don't like it.
• 1:58
  Speaker 3: It feels intrusive and I need to be updated. I
• 2:01
  Speaker 3: just don't understand it. It feels like AOL like when it
• 2:03
  Speaker 3: goes yes.
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: So I don't it feels intrusive because I still get
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: these like random emails about like this book that my
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: friend Melissa, who I haven't seen in fifteen years read.
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: I'm like, I don't, I feel like oh, or like.
• 2:15
  Speaker 3: She's fifteen percent through and you're just like wow. The
• 2:17
  Speaker 3: fact that I like that's tracking that as wild, and.
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: It also tracks I think it tracks my sons, and
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: so I don't know. If anyone's listening to this and
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: you like somehow follow me on good Reads, I don't
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: understand how it works anymore. You're like, Wow, she really
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: likes Garfield. Yeah, it's my sons. I really like Garfield.
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: I think I've I think I've kept the creator of
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: Garfield afloat because they they own seventy books on their
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: kindles of Garfield.
• 2:46
  Speaker 3: Yep, it does. It connects to your kindles. So I'm
• 2:48
  Speaker 3: it's one hundred percent what's happening?
• 2:53
  Speaker 4: So what.
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: Genre books are you recommending?
• 2:57
  Speaker 3: It's kind of like right now, I'm definitely more con
• 3:00
  Speaker 3: like literary fiction, women's fiction, and going into like fall,
• 3:05
  Speaker 3: I'm reading a lot of thrillers, so I would say
• 3:07
  Speaker 3: we're going and just true crime kind of a dark
• 3:11
  Speaker 3: humor of that. It's I mean, it's not lost on me.
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: But yeah, so speaking of the dark humor of crime,
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: the reason why I wanted you to come is dark.
• 3:24
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: We became friends for a different dark reason. We had
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: a mutual She was a friend of mine and like
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: more than an acquaintance, but not like a best friend.
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: But she was your best friend. Yeah, roommate too, and
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: almost sister in law.
• 3:43
  Speaker 3: Very close.
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, Yeah, Bree Peyton died, so I was telling
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: you before we started taping. She died on the anniversary
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: of my mother's death. So I remember it very vividly.
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: It was December twenty eighth, twenty eighteen, right before COVID,
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: and it was this like freak flu.
• 4:04
  Speaker 3: Yeah. I was talking to her the night before because
• 4:07
  Speaker 3: she was about to host a show out in California,
• 4:11
  Speaker 3: and she was texting me she was sick, she didn't
• 4:14
  Speaker 3: feel good, but I was just like, maybe go get
• 4:17
  Speaker 3: some medicine. I don't know, it would just it felt
• 4:20
  Speaker 3: like a normal it just she wasn't complaining like it
• 4:22
  Speaker 3: was like deathly, I mean dark humor, like deathbed. So
• 4:27
  Speaker 3: I just didn't really think anything of it. And then
• 4:30
  Speaker 3: the next morning I got a phone call from somebody
• 4:33
  Speaker 3: saying that she was unresponsive and in the hospital, that
• 4:36
  Speaker 3: they had found her in the morning at her in
• 4:37
  Speaker 3: her bed, and that they had to take her to
• 4:39
  Speaker 3: the hospital. And then the next thing I find out
• 4:41
  Speaker 3: I think her paint. They did find out the cause
• 4:43
  Speaker 3: of it was just complications from H one and one.
• 4:45
  Speaker 3: I believe I could be off from that. So you're right,
• 4:49
  Speaker 3: that was the final Wait what haage one and one like, yeah,
• 4:55
  Speaker 3: And I'm thinking that they think she got it on
• 4:59
  Speaker 3: the plane because her symptoms started a few days after,
• 5:02
  Speaker 3: because she was she flew home right before Christmas, had Christmas,
• 5:06
  Speaker 3: and then got sick. I believe wasn't feeling well on
• 5:09
  Speaker 3: the train down to host the show she was hosting
• 5:12
  Speaker 3: because she was not home home. She was on a
• 5:16
  Speaker 3: train away. She was a few hours away from her
• 5:18
  Speaker 3: parents at that point because she was out in California visiting.
• 5:22
  Speaker 3: Basically she was out there for Christmas break.
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: I remember the first flu that we all got as
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: a family. After that, I slept on the floor of
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: my kid's bed and or in my kid's bedroom and
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: was so scared because it went so fast.
• 5:41
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it's one of those things I think too, she
• 5:44
  Speaker 3: you know, during the night, might have as fixated. There's
• 5:49
  Speaker 3: a lot of things. I think she was really weak,
• 5:50
  Speaker 3: couldn't get out of bed. It was just like when
• 5:52
  Speaker 3: she was once she got really sick. She couldn't take
• 5:55
  Speaker 3: care of herself, and that was like the biggest issue
• 5:59
  Speaker 3: at that point. So, yeah, that was the start of
• 6:02
  Speaker 3: this whole journey for me for sure. But I think
• 6:06
  Speaker 3: it was a I say this and not trying to
• 6:08
  Speaker 3: get ahead of you. But I do feel like that
• 6:10
  Speaker 3: was gave me a lot of tools and make grief
• 6:12
  Speaker 3: toolblocks to prepare me for sure.
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: The next what happened next? So can you? Can you
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: share what happened next?
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  Speaker 3: So I was obviously I had gotten. I got married
• 6:25
  Speaker 3: in November of twenty twenty three, and then I found
• 6:31
  Speaker 3: out I was pregnant in December, and I had my
• 6:33
  Speaker 3: baby boy in August of twenty twenty four, and my
• 6:39
  Speaker 3: husband and I were just one night we had watched
• 6:42
  Speaker 3: Penn State play. I forget what it was. I think
• 6:45
  Speaker 3: it was a big ten championship. I don't even know.
• 6:46
  Speaker 3: I forget it was a big football game. And we
• 6:49
  Speaker 3: were like laughing as we were rushing our She had
• 6:51
  Speaker 3: to go to bed, went to bed. I woke up
• 6:54
  Speaker 3: to my dog barking, and I was just like, what
• 6:57
  Speaker 3: is going on? Then I turned over and Tyler was
• 7:00
  Speaker 3: in bed with me, and I went downstairs and there
• 7:02
  Speaker 3: was knocking on my door and it was the MS,
• 7:05
  Speaker 3: And I was like, what is going on? And I
• 7:08
  Speaker 3: was like, what is going on? And I heard Tyler
• 7:10
  Speaker 3: from our living room say you need to open the door.
• 7:13
  Speaker 3: I'm not okay, and I was like, what so now,
• 7:17
  Speaker 3: it's just like a lot of chaos all at once.
• 7:20
  Speaker 3: And I went into the living room and the inmsted
• 7:22
  Speaker 3: and his blood pressure was very low at that point,
• 7:25
  Speaker 3: he had like a beyond below tempt and they took him.
• 7:30
  Speaker 3: I called my dad, my dad. My parents lived about
• 7:32
  Speaker 3: a block away from us, and my dad came over
• 7:36
  Speaker 3: and I had found out and they brought him to
• 7:39
  Speaker 3: the hospital, and then I had found out that he
• 7:43
  Speaker 3: had got his He felt like his stomach had flipped
• 7:45
  Speaker 3: at like twenty minutes before, like twenty minuts after I
• 7:49
  Speaker 3: fell asleep, and he said he went down because when
• 7:51
  Speaker 3: I got to the ar he was still conscious. And
• 7:54
  Speaker 3: he said that he went downstairs too, and he was
• 7:58
  Speaker 3: very sick, and he didn't want to wake me or
• 7:59
  Speaker 3: the bait up because the baby's nursery is right next
• 8:01
  Speaker 3: to the bathroom, so he went to the downstairs bathroom
• 8:04
  Speaker 3: and then he laid on the couch for about an
• 8:07
  Speaker 3: hour trying to just like thinking that he was just
• 8:09
  Speaker 3: like sick and it was going to pass type of thing.
• 8:12
  Speaker 3: And then he realized it was getting worse, and he
• 8:14
  Speaker 3: called nine one. He was calling for me, but I
• 8:17
  Speaker 3: was all the way up in the bedroom and I
• 8:19
  Speaker 3: was asleeper eddy, so I couldn't hear him because obviously
• 8:21
  Speaker 3: he couldn't really yell. He was like very weak, so
• 8:24
  Speaker 3: it was just like couldn't really hear him. So he
• 8:25
  Speaker 3: called nine in one himself about an hour afterwards, and
• 8:28
  Speaker 3: that's when iamsh had shown up. So when I got
• 8:33
  Speaker 3: to the hospital, they were just like running routine things
• 8:38
  Speaker 3: and they didn't MRI and they noticed his pancreas was inflamed.
• 8:41
  Speaker 3: And the er doctor was like, we're going to send
• 8:43
  Speaker 3: him to the ICU, just because like you just don't
• 8:46
  Speaker 3: really want to mess with the pancreas. And they knew
• 8:48
  Speaker 3: he had gotten his gold letter out, he had had
• 8:49
  Speaker 3: pancrea titus, and it just looked like there was inflame.
• 8:52
  Speaker 3: There's just like a lot going on, and you're like,
• 8:54
  Speaker 3: we're sending him up to the ICU. And there he
• 8:58
  Speaker 3: said to me, he was like you should just go
• 9:00
  Speaker 3: home because obviously I have the baby. My dad's watching him.
• 9:03
  Speaker 3: But it was one of those things that like once
• 9:04
  Speaker 3: he goes to the ICU, they had taken for a
• 9:06
  Speaker 3: bunch of testing, They're like, you're not gonna be able
• 9:07
  Speaker 3: to see him, just like come back at nine. I
• 9:11
  Speaker 3: got a phone call from the nurse at about seven saying,
• 9:15
  Speaker 3: when you come back, we don't want you to freak out.
• 9:17
  Speaker 3: And I was like why, and they were like, well,
• 9:19
  Speaker 3: he had to be like he went down like part stopped.
• 9:24
  Speaker 3: They had to like whatever, he's down for two minutes.
• 9:30
  Speaker 3: They resuscitated him, but they had to basically like sedate
• 9:36
  Speaker 3: him because he was also like freak. Once they got
• 9:38
  Speaker 3: him back, he was like freaking, like you know, like
• 9:41
  Speaker 3: I didn't know what was going on. So they sedated
• 9:43
  Speaker 3: him and then he just his vitals were just crashed
• 9:48
  Speaker 3: from there. When I showed up at the hospital, they
• 9:52
  Speaker 3: this is never a good sign, and like everyone always
• 9:54
  Speaker 3: thinks it's just on TV, and I'm like, no, this
• 9:56
  Speaker 3: actually happens in real life. And you walk into the
• 9:58
  Speaker 3: ICU and every on the floor is filing out of
• 10:01
  Speaker 3: your husband's room, like all the lights because when you
• 10:04
  Speaker 3: go into the su most of the lights are off
• 10:06
  Speaker 3: in there. If they're like people are just like recovering
• 10:08
  Speaker 3: or in they're fine, their lights are off like you know,
• 10:11
  Speaker 3: they're resting. When things are going bad, all the lights
• 10:15
  Speaker 3: are out in the room. People are filtering out, and
• 10:17
  Speaker 3: I could see it happening, and I was like and
• 10:18
  Speaker 3: they were like bringing me down and I'm like, oh
• 10:20
  Speaker 3: my god, it's his room and I walk in and
• 10:22
  Speaker 3: I'm like everybody's just like working on him and like that.
• 10:26
  Speaker 3: I can see the doctor putting into central line, which
• 10:28
  Speaker 3: ultimately is like basically an open surgery in the in
• 10:31
  Speaker 3: the room, and I was I literally can remember saying
• 10:34
  Speaker 3: to them, is my husband dead? Like I literally and
• 10:38
  Speaker 3: everybody just turned around. I was like, is anybody gonna
• 10:41
  Speaker 3: say anything to me? And they were like, he's not dead,
• 10:44
  Speaker 3: He's not dead. Why don't you come with us? And
• 10:45
  Speaker 3: they obviously brought me into like the you know the room.
• 10:49
  Speaker 3: The room is like i'd like to call it where.
• 10:51
  Speaker 3: They were like, Okay, you need to wait here until
• 10:54
  Speaker 3: we have like an update from the actual like I
• 10:57
  Speaker 3: see you doctor. And then the su doctor came in
• 11:01
  Speaker 3: and he was like, we just need to let you
• 11:03
  Speaker 3: know that your husband's very sick and we don't think
• 11:04
  Speaker 3: he's going to make it through the deck, so you
• 11:06
  Speaker 3: need to make plans. And I was like what Like
• 11:10
  Speaker 3: I just was like what a whirlwin of And then
• 11:14
  Speaker 3: he ultimately passed two hours later. It was like literally
• 11:17
  Speaker 3: he died at twelve thirty four one two three four.
• 11:21
  Speaker 3: But to backtrack that right before he died, I was
• 11:25
  Speaker 3: faced with the decision to possibly chop his legs off
• 11:29
  Speaker 3: and open up his his abdominal cavity because they were like,
• 11:34
  Speaker 3: well we think that there you have two options. You
• 11:38
  Speaker 3: can let him pass peacefully because we just don't think,
• 11:42
  Speaker 3: or you can like risk surgery that we think he'll die.
• 11:46
  Speaker 3: He won't. We don't even know if he'll make it
• 11:48
  Speaker 3: down to the room, like to the actual table. Yeah,
• 11:54
  Speaker 3: but we would have to because he had a blood
• 11:57
  Speaker 3: clot so obviously he wasn't getting everything was in his
• 12:01
  Speaker 3: abdomen like any of the medicine they were doing. It
• 12:03
  Speaker 3: was just sticking, like just nothing was moving. And then
• 12:06
  Speaker 3: obviously he was getting septist, so he was just at
• 12:08
  Speaker 3: that point, we were just he was clotting and it
• 12:11
  Speaker 3: was like nons up. But they were like, you would
• 12:14
  Speaker 3: we would have to do a double double. He would
• 12:16
  Speaker 3: be a double imputee and we would have to open
• 12:18
  Speaker 3: up his abdominal cavity and like take out whatever is
• 12:23
  Speaker 3: like you know inside like and then he's like and
• 12:26
  Speaker 3: then with that he would have to live with his
• 12:29
  Speaker 3: abdominal cavity open for a year in the hospital like
• 12:33
  Speaker 3: he and then you would have to do like graphs
• 12:36
  Speaker 3: like we'd he would he would basically be here for
• 12:39
  Speaker 3: a year, hooked up to whatever. They were like, so
• 12:42
  Speaker 3: those are your two options. And I look at the
• 12:45
  Speaker 3: doctor and I said, this is the most insane question
• 12:48
  Speaker 3: I think I'm ever gonna be asked in my entire life.
• 12:50
  Speaker 3: And he know it is, we know, And I was like,
• 12:54
  Speaker 3: I'm not doing that to him. I was like, I can't.
• 12:58
  Speaker 3: I was like, he would wait. He said, even if
• 13:01
  Speaker 3: he made it through, and you're telling me that we
• 13:03
  Speaker 3: really do believe, like he's probably not going to make
• 13:06
  Speaker 3: it through the surgery, but we have to give you
• 13:08
  Speaker 3: the option. And I was like, even if he did,
• 13:12
  Speaker 3: I think he would wake up so mad at me
• 13:14
  Speaker 3: about how he had to raise his son. Yeah, like that,
• 13:17
  Speaker 3: there's no way, no way.
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: I was faced with a similar question when my mom
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: was dying. They so she's a multi organ failure. And
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: I was sixteen, and I didn't have a dad and
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: have siblings, like it was it was me. It was
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: me making the decision. My mom had made one of
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: her friends a proxy, but she had told that friend
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: to do what I wanted to do because I was
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: only sixteen and so I legally couldn't. And they said, like,
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: she's going to die here, it's now where it's six
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: months from now, but the six months from now, she's
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: going to be on dialysis. She's like, it's going to
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: be really, really awful. And I actually never told my
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: grandparents that they had told me that there was a
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: second choice. It just like my grandparents showed up and
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: I said, she's dying, that's it. And after she died,
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: the doctor said to me, in front of my grandparents,
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: that was a really brave thing that you did, that
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: you let her go, and and my grandmother was like,
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: I'm sorry, what Yeah, And so that was pretty awkward conversation.
• 14:23
  Speaker 3: I did have to call Tyler's parents, and I didn't
• 14:27
  Speaker 3: feel right not telling them the options, but I kind
• 14:32
  Speaker 3: of prefaced it with I'm telling you right now, like
• 14:38
  Speaker 3: this is you don't want your to see your son
• 14:41
  Speaker 3: like this, and you don't want your son to like
• 14:46
  Speaker 3: the doctor said to me, what he's experiencing is very painful.
• 14:49
  Speaker 3: Now he is sedated, So he's like, but we can't
• 14:53
  Speaker 3: obviously tell any like we don't really know what someone
• 14:57
  Speaker 3: is feeling, like we can't say that, like, but I
• 15:00
  Speaker 3: can tell you that if he could feel this, it like,
• 15:02
  Speaker 3: if this is something that he's experiencing and he can
• 15:05
  Speaker 3: feel some of this, it is extremely painful. He is
• 15:09
  Speaker 3: he's experiencing right now. So like I had to explain.
• 15:13
  Speaker 3: I explained that to them and they were wildly understanding.
• 15:17
  Speaker 3: And I'm grateful for that because I was just like,
• 15:20
  Speaker 3: the last thing you want to do is have that argument,
• 15:23
  Speaker 3: especially over her phone off and it's their son, so
• 15:26
  Speaker 3: I get it. I get it. So I was just like, ultimately,
• 15:29
  Speaker 3: and you know, they were, it was very kind. And
• 15:32
  Speaker 3: then they were like, ultimately, you're his wife and you
• 15:34
  Speaker 3: know him the best, so you know, we we we
• 15:38
  Speaker 3: get whatever decision you need to make. And I was like,
• 15:40
  Speaker 3: I'm not doing this to my husband and I wouldn't
• 15:42
  Speaker 3: want him to do this to mey.
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: So but I have I've never once regretted it for
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: a millisecond.
• 15:50
  Speaker 3: No, And I got my clarity when I went in
• 15:52
  Speaker 3: there to say goodbye. I sat with him they and
• 15:55
  Speaker 3: I said I did say to them, I said, listen,
• 15:56
  Speaker 3: I don't mind you taking him off the blood pressurement
• 15:59
  Speaker 3: whatever the meta considered keeping him alive, but I cannot
• 16:02
  Speaker 3: sit here and listen to him not be able to breathe.
• 16:03
  Speaker 3: Like once you pull a breathing tubout, it's just not
• 16:05
  Speaker 3: something I want to listen to. It's I know, it's bad.
• 16:08
  Speaker 3: I was like, so I would I prefer you to
• 16:10
  Speaker 3: keep the breathing tube in and like we can take
• 16:12
  Speaker 3: him off the meds and whatever and let it go
• 16:14
  Speaker 3: from there. And they're like it could prolong it, but
• 16:17
  Speaker 3: he it will. He died in fifteen minutes. He never
• 16:20
  Speaker 3: made it too. They are no, no, no, you had
• 16:26
  Speaker 3: a three month old son. Oh yeah, he was just
• 16:29
  Speaker 3: about to be four months, but he was yeah, yeah yeah.
• 16:34
  Speaker 3: I just was like. The weirdest part of that was
• 16:37
  Speaker 3: leaving the hospital. They also lost his wedding ring, so
• 16:41
  Speaker 3: that was That's one of my favorite caveats. Is I
• 16:46
  Speaker 3: the question right before I left the room, like okay,
• 16:49
  Speaker 3: where's his where I mean, looks at his hand. I'm like,
• 16:51
  Speaker 3: where's his wedding ring? And they're like the doctor was like,
• 16:54
  Speaker 3: I saw it because it looks like mine. We'll find it.
• 16:56
  Speaker 3: We'll find it. They're like, just go sit in the
• 16:58
  Speaker 3: room because they saw how to like fill out four,
• 17:00
  Speaker 3: so whatever you have to like sign things or like
• 17:02
  Speaker 3: the corner and things like that. They come back and
• 17:04
  Speaker 3: they're like, we're looking for it. We'll call you if
• 17:06
  Speaker 3: we find it. And obviously I don't want to sit
• 17:07
  Speaker 3: in that room anymore, like over being in that hospital.
• 17:10
  Speaker 3: So I was like, okay, you're also just kind of
• 17:12
  Speaker 3: in a stage of like completely blacked out. I was
• 17:14
  Speaker 3: just like whatever, like call me, like, I just it
• 17:17
  Speaker 3: is what it is. Luckily I had friends that just
• 17:20
  Speaker 3: like were relentless with the nurse charge. Nurses there, like
• 17:23
  Speaker 3: they called every day the whole week, like being like
• 17:25
  Speaker 3: where's that. The one nurse was like we made like
• 17:28
  Speaker 3: everybody on this floor cry trying to find it. They
• 17:30
  Speaker 3: went through the trash and I was just like, it
• 17:32
  Speaker 3: is what it is. The night nurse took it off
• 17:34
  Speaker 3: and put it in a biohazard cup and I think
• 17:36
  Speaker 3: they threw it out. I was just like this wildly
• 17:39
  Speaker 3: terrible situation. But my jeweler actually remade it for me. Yeah,
• 17:44
  Speaker 3: as I went, Yeah, when I went to go get
• 17:47
  Speaker 3: a band made, they he was like, we did something
• 17:50
  Speaker 3: for you. He's like, because I just can't get over it,
• 17:52
  Speaker 3: like at all. And he's like I understand it's not
• 17:54
  Speaker 3: the same one, but your son may want it one day. Yeah,
• 17:59
  Speaker 3: but it's one of those things you get in the
• 18:01
  Speaker 3: elevator and I'm just like wow, this like I get
• 18:05
  Speaker 3: why people like drink heavily. Yeah, like remain like you
• 18:10
  Speaker 3: know what I mean. I was just like this is
• 18:12
  Speaker 3: just I'm like, this isn't my It's almost like my
• 18:16
  Speaker 3: brain was protecting me from all of it because truly,
• 18:19
  Speaker 3: and I still to this day feel that way, like
• 18:21
  Speaker 3: it won't let me like fully like sit in it
• 18:26
  Speaker 3: of like what really is going on? And like maybe
• 18:29
  Speaker 3: that's not the best thing, but like I do have
• 18:30
  Speaker 3: a kid to RaSE, so I just feel like I
• 18:32
  Speaker 3: can't sit I can't sit in it for too long
• 18:35
  Speaker 3: or you just become paralyzed. Yeah, it's like really truly
• 18:38
  Speaker 3: believe your brain tries to protect I.
• 18:41
  Speaker 5: Mean, particularly three four months postpartum. It's like exactly when
• 18:47
  Speaker 5: you're the most kind of hormonal and can't think straight already,
• 18:52
  Speaker 5: Like what was that postpartum?
• 18:53
  Speaker 3: Like luckily I was like decently, I felt really good postpartum,
• 19:01
  Speaker 3: which I'm so grateful for, Like I know, I truly
• 19:05
  Speaker 3: never it's just typical newborn like I would say trenches
• 19:10
  Speaker 3: that you have with certain things just figuring out a baby.
• 19:13
  Speaker 3: But I think the thing that my brain couldn't wrap
• 19:16
  Speaker 3: my head around, like thinking like there were weird things
• 19:21
  Speaker 3: that Tyler did that I just didn't think to do.
• 19:23
  Speaker 3: And I told my dad, like it was the first
• 19:26
  Speaker 3: thing I said to my dad. When I got home
• 19:27
  Speaker 3: and my dad was here, he was just like we
• 19:29
  Speaker 3: were all just sitting in shock. And I was just like,
• 19:31
  Speaker 3: I don't even know what day the trash comes, like
• 19:34
  Speaker 3: do you know what I mean? I was just like,
• 19:36
  Speaker 3: there is so much he did that he just did
• 19:38
  Speaker 3: and didn't say like he was really hands on dat
• 19:41
  Speaker 3: Like I say this like I have. I know people
• 19:45
  Speaker 3: who have and this isn't a knock against them. Just
• 19:48
  Speaker 3: husbands that aren't as like it's especially in the newborn stage.
• 19:52
  Speaker 3: I feel like baby stage that are just like you know,
• 19:55
  Speaker 3: don't you know, not as like comfortable with it like
• 19:57
  Speaker 3: he he was all in and like just did every
• 20:01
  Speaker 3: Like there were just things that he took care of
• 20:03
  Speaker 3: that I didn't even think about that I was just like,
• 20:04
  Speaker 3: oh my god, Like that over I was just like
• 20:08
  Speaker 3: I can't even and then to think about I have
• 20:09
  Speaker 3: to work I was just like, there's so much that
• 20:13
  Speaker 3: I had to think about other than grieving him too.
• 20:16
  Speaker 3: That was the most wild part of it. Like I
• 20:19
  Speaker 3: still don't feel like I fully had like sat with
• 20:22
  Speaker 3: that that, you know, but it's one of the things.
• 20:26
  Speaker 3: I'm sure it will when I feel like I have
• 20:28
  Speaker 3: like my brain will let me do it.
• 20:29
  Speaker 2: But right when you have capacity to, I mean, you've
• 20:32
  Speaker 2: taken on so much. It's it's survival, you know.
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: I truly do believe that your brain protects you. That
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: like ref robot thing that you. I mean, it carried
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: you through the first couple of weeks for sure. Like, yeah,
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: we were talking before we started taping. My best friend
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: Mary Catherine Ham lost her husband when she was pregnant
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: with their second and she had had friends. Her friend
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: Emily came in and just did the stuff that you're talking,
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: like the garbage.
• 21:07
  Speaker 3: Oh, like all my friends flew in. My dad was like,
• 21:10
  Speaker 3: all your friends are coming. I was like what, and
• 21:12
  Speaker 3: they like they all got Airbnb like within hours. Because
• 21:16
  Speaker 3: I was just like I just remember being like just
• 21:19
  Speaker 3: stuck is the best way to say it. Like I
• 21:21
  Speaker 3: was just like, there's so much that I have to
• 21:24
  Speaker 3: actually do, but I'm like, I don't even know where
• 21:26
  Speaker 3: to start right now, because like I feel like I'm
• 21:29
  Speaker 3: going to vomit, like you know what I mean.
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: Like I was just so, what if if we have
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: someone who's listening, who like they have a friend who
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: has you know, had a sudden horrible thing.
• 21:42
  Speaker 3: Like this happen.
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: What what did you find the most helpful in those
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: first weeks?
• 21:47
  Speaker 3: Do something? Don't My biggest biggest thing is not to
• 21:52
  Speaker 3: ask what can I do? Don't ask me. I did
• 21:56
  Speaker 3: not even have the capacity to know what I needed.
• 22:01
  Speaker 3: Not only that you still feel like a burden asking
• 22:04
  Speaker 3: for help like Okay, well this is what I actually need,
• 22:06
  Speaker 3: but you don't like And I'm like I didn't have
• 22:08
  Speaker 3: the capacity to even feel bad about that, So I
• 22:10
  Speaker 3: didn't and I didn't know what to say, like what
• 22:13
  Speaker 3: I needed. So my friends who just showed up and
• 22:16
  Speaker 3: like the backyard needed you know, my dog went to
• 22:19
  Speaker 3: the bathroom, my dog going to be led out. I
• 22:21
  Speaker 3: formula needed to be made, just vacuum, like certain things
• 22:25
  Speaker 3: that just like just just do just do it, just
• 22:29
  Speaker 3: do it, Like there's a new one. I think think
• 22:31
  Speaker 3: you can figure out what he passed. Like when one
• 22:33
  Speaker 3: friend said to me, she was like, what is the
• 22:35
  Speaker 3: number one thing that you need? Like, just off the bat,
• 22:37
  Speaker 3: She's like, I'm not asking you like what you need,
• 22:39
  Speaker 3: Like what's the number one thing that you care about
• 22:41
  Speaker 3: right now? Because in the next four days, if you
• 22:43
  Speaker 3: having to plan this funeral and deal with everything, you're
• 22:45
  Speaker 3: not gonna have. I said, Colby's all I care about
• 22:48
  Speaker 3: making sure that his life is like normal, like we
• 22:50
  Speaker 3: I don't want because I don't care what anybody says.
• 22:53
  Speaker 3: Babies can sense like high strung situations, and I want
• 22:58
  Speaker 3: none of that around him. He used to stay on
• 23:01
  Speaker 3: the schedule because I have I'd like, obviously I had
• 23:03
  Speaker 3: a man of schedule because I have to work, so
• 23:05
  Speaker 3: like the schedule is a big thing. I was like,
• 23:06
  Speaker 3: I sent them all the schedule, and I was like,
• 23:08
  Speaker 3: just keep him on this and keep him happy, and
• 23:11
  Speaker 3: like I don't want anybody hysterically crying around him. I
• 23:13
  Speaker 3: don't need anybody drunk or you know what I'm saying,
• 23:15
  Speaker 3: like because to just be you know, I get it,
• 23:18
  Speaker 3: I get it. I was like, we're keeping this as
• 23:21
  Speaker 3: like normal as we possibly can. So I would say, like,
• 23:24
  Speaker 3: besides that part of it is definitely just even if
• 23:27
  Speaker 3: you can't be there physically being like okay, and I'm
• 23:31
  Speaker 3: not talking like send a cast role because I can
• 23:33
  Speaker 3: only have so much stuff in my fridge. Like people
• 23:35
  Speaker 3: who sent me like door dash like credits was the
• 23:37
  Speaker 3: best thing, but I didn't need it that week, but
• 23:40
  Speaker 3: like the amount of times that I've used like the credits,
• 23:44
  Speaker 3: like a month later when I was like, wow, I
• 23:47
  Speaker 3: just don't have the capacity to even like make myself
• 23:49
  Speaker 3: food right now because I've been dealing with a teething child,
• 23:52
  Speaker 3: like all week is when I needed it, So like
• 23:54
  Speaker 3: it seems like that that were the most just and
• 23:58
  Speaker 3: people would just send it, Like I have friend that
• 24:00
  Speaker 3: still do it, that'll be like here's ten dollars to
• 24:02
  Speaker 3: like for Starbucks in the morning, like just not saying
• 24:06
  Speaker 3: to me, well, what do you need, like in a
• 24:09
  Speaker 3: way like it almost makes me feel like I don't know,
• 24:12
  Speaker 3: like like I don't want to say like help me,
• 24:15
  Speaker 3: I'm poor type of thing. But it's like you know
• 24:17
  Speaker 3: what I mean that feeling like when you have to
• 24:20
  Speaker 3: ask me, like would you like a coffee in the morning,
• 24:24
  Speaker 3: It's like I don't need it, but like if you
• 24:26
  Speaker 3: want to send it, just do it type of thing.
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: And one of the that's one of the things I
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: marry Catherine, because I mean, we've talked a lot about
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: it since, and she said that one of the most
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: helpful things that people did for her was her neighbor
• 24:39
  Speaker 1: mowed her lawn forever more. He he just took over
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: her lawn care and all of the weading and so
• 24:48
  Speaker 1: the rest of the time that she lived at that house.
• 24:50
  Speaker 1: And she I think that this is right. I think
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: she didn't realize it for a really long time because
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: she was just in the thick of it, and then
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: she saw him and then it just like dawned on her.
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: Oh my god, I've never he died three months ago
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: and I've never mowed my lawn and it's never needed it.
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: It's because he's been doing it.
• 25:09
  Speaker 3: When I say the thing about the trash, sincerely, my
• 25:14
  Speaker 3: dad start, my dad would just all of a sudden,
• 25:16
  Speaker 3: I would come outside and my trash came would be
• 25:18
  Speaker 3: out on like Wednesday, Tuesday, and I was like, I
• 25:20
  Speaker 3: didn't do it. Oh, my Dad's like no, I came
• 25:23
  Speaker 3: by after I put mine out and put it out
• 25:25
  Speaker 3: because I was just like I it's little things like that,
• 25:28
  Speaker 3: like when you're going through the day, I'm like, you
• 25:30
  Speaker 3: miss something, you know, So I would say, like just
• 25:36
  Speaker 3: knowing what something, especially if you're a close friend, just
• 25:39
  Speaker 3: if you've got kids, you know what someone needs ultimately, Yeah,
• 25:43
  Speaker 3: so just do it. Don't ask, just do it. Yeah. All.
• 25:46
  Speaker 3: My other biggest advice is get life insurance.
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: I was just about to say this, yes, yeah, my
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: parents we was So, my parents died when I was
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: sixteen or nineteen. My mom had sixty five thousand dollars
• 25:58
  Speaker 1: in life insurance, which does not get you very far,
• 26:01
  Speaker 1: but it got me actually pretty far.
• 26:03
  Speaker 3: Yeah, Tyler, so was twenty which is nothing, by the way.
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: Yeah, which appears for the funeral. Basically, my dad lied
• 26:10
  Speaker 1: on his life insurance. You shouldn't do that. It was funny,
• 26:16
  Speaker 1: not funny. So he committed suicide. So the policy was
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: void anyway, but the insurance policy just like the company
• 26:24
  Speaker 1: decided that they would invalidate it, not based on the
• 26:27
  Speaker 1: cause of death, but based on the fact that he
• 26:28
  Speaker 1: lied to obtain the coverage. I didn't really understand why,
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: but they gave me the premiums back, so I was like, cool,
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: eight hundred dollars thanks guys.
• 26:38
  Speaker 3: You know you get a lumps death sum from Social
• 26:41
  Speaker 3: Security of two hundred and fifty dollars.
• 26:44
  Speaker 2: Oh my god.
• 26:45
  Speaker 1: So but you didn't get survivor benefits.
• 26:48
  Speaker 3: No, you do. You get so you have survivor benefits
• 26:51
  Speaker 3: for Colby that I get late eighteen. But you also
• 26:54
  Speaker 3: get what is called a death lump death sum of
• 26:58
  Speaker 3: two hundred and fifty five dollars. That's literally the actual amount.
• 27:02
  Speaker 3: And I was just I remember looking at that person
• 27:04
  Speaker 3: and being like, Okay.
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: Mary Catherine when she when she went to the Social
• 27:09
  Speaker 1: Security office to start the paperwork, they called her husband's
• 27:13
  Speaker 1: name wonderful. Literally this is my.
• 27:18
  Speaker 3: Yeah. No, that was actually the worst. The worst thing
• 27:23
  Speaker 3: is that Tyler and I had talked about it getting
• 27:26
  Speaker 3: a policy outside. My biggest thing is like, I don't
• 27:29
  Speaker 3: care what your work gives you. You need a policy
• 27:32
  Speaker 3: outside of your work, like, no matter what. And it
• 27:35
  Speaker 3: should be ten x your salary because everybody thinks, oh,
• 27:39
  Speaker 3: a million dollars sounds like so much. Okay, but think
• 27:41
  Speaker 3: about this. I have a mortgage. My kid is going
• 27:44
  Speaker 3: to get older, like he may need a car, he
• 27:48
  Speaker 3: may need like I don't know, tubes in his ears
• 27:51
  Speaker 3: because of an erich. I because with my husband's death,
• 27:55
  Speaker 3: I lost health insurance too, because I was on his
• 27:57
  Speaker 3: health insurance because I have my own company, so I
• 28:01
  Speaker 3: now have to pay for my own health insurance.
• 28:04
  Speaker 1: And you only have one income, right.
• 28:05
  Speaker 3: I was like, and I lost a full paycheck and definitely,
• 28:11
  Speaker 3: and it sounds so gross and it needed to have
• 28:14
  Speaker 3: to like say like, well I lost it. They're like,
• 28:16
  Speaker 3: because there were people who listened to this and say,
• 28:18
  Speaker 3: well she lost her husband, like you know what, And
• 28:21
  Speaker 3: I'm like, right, but which I'm very sad about.
• 28:26
  Speaker 2: But you also have to navigate life afterwards though, right.
• 28:30
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and he only had he had ten grand and
• 28:33
  Speaker 3: then the match of ten grand whatever it was from
• 28:35
  Speaker 3: his company policy. And I literally just got the check yesterday.
• 28:40
  Speaker 3: But I am like, I'm like, now, no joke. My
• 28:43
  Speaker 3: friends are like, we can't hear her one more time
• 28:45
  Speaker 3: because I was like, I'm like right, but I was
• 28:47
  Speaker 3: like my learned from mine. I'm like, you, I'm not
• 28:50
  Speaker 3: even laughing about this, Like there were certain certain people
• 28:53
  Speaker 3: that I'm very close with that I'm like, I'm not
• 28:54
  Speaker 3: talking to you to you until you get it, Like
• 28:56
  Speaker 3: there's a zero. I was like, I have a policy
• 28:58
  Speaker 3: and it's literally twenty nine dollars a month. I was like,
• 29:01
  Speaker 3: it's twenty nine dollars that I hopefully never have. No
• 29:03
  Speaker 3: one ever has to work. Like sure, I spent twenty
• 29:06
  Speaker 3: nine dollars on like Amazon in like two seconds, so
• 29:09
  Speaker 3: like a month, I don't care. I pretend like it's
• 29:11
  Speaker 3: time happening. It's like an auto pay situation, but like
• 29:15
  Speaker 3: you do not want to end up like me.
• 29:18
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and also so I mean basically I was in
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: a similar position when my parents died. And I have
• 29:25
  Speaker 1: also become very militant about life insurance as a result.
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: And one thing that a lot of people don't realize
• 29:32
  Speaker 1: because as you get older, like you unfortunately know more
• 29:35
  Speaker 1: and more people who die tragically young, and you know
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: these stories. Women. Also, even if you're a stay at
• 29:42
  Speaker 1: home mom, you need a massive policy too, because if
• 29:46
  Speaker 1: your husband is left with two three, four, five six
• 29:50
  Speaker 1: kids and you were the stay at home you need
• 29:52
  Speaker 1: to pay someone now to do what you were doing.
• 29:55
  Speaker 3: My friends, my friends, my girlfriends, I'm like, do you understand,
• 29:58
  Speaker 3: like you could be the one that yeah, Like I know,
• 30:02
  Speaker 3: like it's everybody. I feel like it's like such a
• 30:04
  Speaker 3: thing in your brain. It's like, well, if the husband
• 30:06
  Speaker 3: goes because I get it like if it's especially if
• 30:08
  Speaker 3: it's like a stay at home mom situation, You're like, well,
• 30:11
  Speaker 3: he's the breadwinner, right, but like, okay, he would have
• 30:15
  Speaker 3: so much help he's gonna need yeah okay yeah, and
• 30:20
  Speaker 3: like they have expense. Like it's just like there's so
• 30:24
  Speaker 3: much to that. I was just like, you both need
• 30:26
  Speaker 3: everybody needs to get it. It needs to be ten
• 30:28
  Speaker 3: at least ten next your salary and if you're stay
• 30:31
  Speaker 3: at home mom, at least a million dollar. I really,
• 30:34
  Speaker 3: I truly believe this because I'm just like and people
• 30:36
  Speaker 3: are like a million dollars. I'm just like right, but
• 30:38
  Speaker 3: like think about a mortgage payment in a yep. Like
• 30:43
  Speaker 3: I was like the last and it was the I
• 30:45
  Speaker 3: hate that this happened because it was like my number
• 30:47
  Speaker 3: one concern right after the funeral. I remember, like it
• 30:51
  Speaker 3: was the only time I ever broke down crying was
• 30:54
  Speaker 3: to my dad's friend. I was just like, I my
• 30:57
  Speaker 3: brain cannot do my job right now, but it needs
• 30:59
  Speaker 3: to do it or I can't keep my house over
• 31:03
  Speaker 3: my head. Yeah, like that's where I am right now.
• 31:07
  Speaker 3: Like I don't have bereavement, I don't have financial ability
• 31:11
  Speaker 3: to just say I'm just gonna sit in my bed
• 31:14
  Speaker 3: and cry for besides, take even Colby out of it,
• 31:17
  Speaker 3: even if I was single, like I nantually couldn't have
• 31:20
  Speaker 3: done that.
• 31:23
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and and Mary Catherine had a very similar situation.
• 31:25
  Speaker 1: So Jake had a very good plan with his with
• 31:29
  Speaker 1: one job and he had just gotten a new job
• 31:32
  Speaker 1: and life insurance was on you know that to do list.
• 31:35
  Speaker 3: That like you know, I literally had talked about it.
• 31:39
  Speaker 3: I think it was two weeks before tal had passed.
• 31:42
  Speaker 1: Yeah, my my uncle is my insurance agent, and so
• 31:45
  Speaker 1: I get like angry letters from him if like, because
• 31:49
  Speaker 1: there was a while where we were really really really
• 31:51
  Speaker 1: poor and like the premiums for seth. So I always
• 31:56
  Speaker 1: make this joke now since going through this whole life
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: insurance policy stuff. So my parents both died when I
• 32:01
  Speaker 1: was very young. Yeth's grandparents lived into their nineties. His
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: parents are, god, thank god, still alive, still healthy, and
• 32:09
  Speaker 1: his and premiums are triple mine. And I'm like, I
• 32:14
  Speaker 1: am overweight and have two dead parents.
• 32:18
  Speaker 5: You're not either way, by the way, I was just
• 32:20
  Speaker 5: thinking about it's just a book, Okay, thank you.
• 32:23
  Speaker 1: But like he has all of his grandparents who lived
• 32:27
  Speaker 1: into their nineties, his parents, like why is it? And
• 32:31
  Speaker 1: then I see stupid videos of men being stupid on
• 32:34
  Speaker 1: the internet. I'm like, that's my men's pits are three
• 32:36
  Speaker 1: times as high. Yeah. But there was times where like
• 32:40
  Speaker 1: we we really struggle to pay his premiums. Mine were
• 32:44
  Speaker 1: like twenty nine dollars a month but were more Yeah,
• 32:48
  Speaker 1: And I would get angry emails from my uncle being like,
• 32:51
  Speaker 1: you have to pay your premiums.
• 32:52
  Speaker 3: Like you also, once you have another kid, need to
• 32:55
  Speaker 3: go back and figure out if you need to addit more. Yes,
• 32:58
  Speaker 3: because that's another thing. I think a lot of my
• 33:00
  Speaker 3: friends don't, like they get it, and they're just like, Okay,
• 33:03
  Speaker 3: it's like right now you have two kids, now you
• 33:05
  Speaker 3: have three. That policy is like gonna get you through
• 33:09
  Speaker 3: maybe a two year three years of like what Like
• 33:13
  Speaker 3: I mean, people really don't. I think the biggest part
• 33:15
  Speaker 3: and I think it's like my generation, like no one
• 33:16
  Speaker 3: wants to sit down and look at it how much
• 33:18
  Speaker 3: they spend like but is like scary. It's like I'm
• 33:21
  Speaker 3: not doing that, that's not my business. What if my
• 33:24
  Speaker 3: dad is not. I pay my credit card and it
• 33:26
  Speaker 3: is what it is. But like we I had to
• 33:29
  Speaker 3: sit down like after Tyler passed just and that was fine,
• 33:33
  Speaker 3: like luckily because like I you know and have good clients,
• 33:37
  Speaker 3: have a good situation. But to sit down and say, like,
• 33:42
  Speaker 3: really do a budget, and I felt like I was
• 33:43
  Speaker 3: being called into the principal's office with my dad. I
• 33:47
  Speaker 3: was like and he was like, how much you spent?
• 33:49
  Speaker 3: And I said this and he was like reale and
• 33:51
  Speaker 3: I'm like, okay, it's more like and then you don't think.
• 33:56
  Speaker 3: I'm like, my dad's like, okay, the dog because we
• 33:58
  Speaker 3: have pet insurance also something everybody they should get. If
• 34:00
  Speaker 3: you have an animal, get pet insurance. It pays itself
• 34:03
  Speaker 3: in one visit. He's like the dog, pet insurance, the
• 34:07
  Speaker 3: dog food. And I'm like, oh my god, I'm like
• 34:09
  Speaker 3: I literally am not having anxiety attack doing a budget.
• 34:12
  Speaker 3: I think that's a lot of like especially it must
• 34:15
  Speaker 3: be my generation of like they don't even want to
• 34:17
  Speaker 3: sit down to do that, so like thinking about like
• 34:21
  Speaker 3: what you would need. You got to do a budget
• 34:23
  Speaker 3: before you even think about doing the life insurance, because
• 34:25
  Speaker 3: you've got to be like, no, truly, like right now,
• 34:28
  Speaker 3: what is what is the number? Because we need to
• 34:32
  Speaker 3: know that. And I think that's like one of the
• 34:35
  Speaker 3: reasons people put it off so long because you're just like, wow,
• 34:38
  Speaker 3: I do not want to evaluate that much.
• 34:40
  Speaker 1: And you also have to like get blood work like
• 34:41
  Speaker 1: it's a it's a no joke situation really, but.
• 34:45
  Speaker 3: Yeah, there are questions like very personal questions.
• 34:47
  Speaker 1: Oh yeah, that's where my dadled.
• 34:50
  Speaker 3: Yeah, no, or you do something like there's things like
• 34:54
  Speaker 3: if you my dad a lot actually yeah, yeah.
• 34:59
  Speaker 1: He was embarrassed that he had diabetes, so he said no,
• 35:03
  Speaker 1: Like my dad was a literal bodybuilder, Like he did
• 35:06
  Speaker 1: not have diabetes because he was a fatty. He had
• 35:09
  Speaker 1: diabetes because he had diabetes. So did his brothers. Like
• 35:16
  Speaker 1: it's just the thing, sorry dad, Yeah, what I.
• 35:18
  Speaker 3: Do, I truly believe like people my age is just
• 35:20
  Speaker 3: like fear of like looking at I mean, and we
• 35:24
  Speaker 3: were the generation of putting everything on a credit card
• 35:26
  Speaker 3: and like hoping it's fun.
• 35:28
  Speaker 4: Yeah, every single amount that they get a credit cam
• 35:30
  Speaker 4: and like it's frozen and it's.
• 35:33
  Speaker 3: Every single What are you talking about that three am
• 35:36
  Speaker 3: purchases on Amazon? I didn't do that. That was not
• 35:38
  Speaker 3: my business. It was somebody else. Yeah.
• 35:41
  Speaker 1: What I what I think is really interesting is you've
• 35:44
  Speaker 1: like sort of turned your How do I say this
• 35:49
  Speaker 1: in a complimentary way that doesn't sound super crass and weird.
• 35:53
  Speaker 1: You're grieving at you're breathing beautifully.
• 35:58
  Speaker 3: Yeah, no, and I credit I go back to to
• 36:02
  Speaker 3: like free dying. I give because I didn't handle her
• 36:08
  Speaker 3: death well and I really yeah no I was, no,
• 36:12
  Speaker 3: I was a natural. Not handling that well.
• 36:14
  Speaker 1: No, no, I think I think I remember this.
• 36:16
  Speaker 3: Oh no, no, not handling that well at all. And
• 36:19
  Speaker 3: I moved here. I mean, ultimately that was the biggest
• 36:21
  Speaker 3: I moved back with my parents. And I just remember
• 36:24
  Speaker 3: being like I can't because I mean I really too
• 36:29
  Speaker 3: truly believe like Coleby is the saving grace, Like I
• 36:31
  Speaker 3: just I can't. You can't. I can't say I can't.
• 36:36
  Speaker 3: You can't spiral like I remember, I sat with my dad.
• 36:39
  Speaker 3: My Dad's like, you're not rich enough to have a breakdown,
• 36:42
  Speaker 3: and I'm like, I do want to have a mental
• 36:44
  Speaker 3: I want to have a break I just want to like,
• 36:46
  Speaker 3: can you send me to whatever? Can you put me
• 36:48
  Speaker 3: on a hold? And he was like, you don't have
• 36:51
  Speaker 3: the ability. There's no I can't put you on to
• 36:53
  Speaker 3: send me two hour hold, there's no like.
• 36:56
  Speaker 1: We need somebody. So this is how this is har
• 37:00
  Speaker 1: after my parents died, I mean really like my dadad
• 37:02
  Speaker 1: when I was eighteen, but I wasn't close with him.
• 37:04
  Speaker 1: It was like really after my mom died, and people
• 37:06
  Speaker 1: said to me long afterwards, like family members, like we
• 37:10
  Speaker 1: really thought you would break down, And I was like,
• 37:12
  Speaker 1: I'm sorry, was that an option?
• 37:14
  Speaker 3: Yeah?
• 37:14
  Speaker 1: I didn't know that was.
• 37:15
  Speaker 3: An That's exactly what I say. I was like, really,
• 37:20
  Speaker 3: I reallyized that I would love to have a mental breakdown.
• 37:23
  Speaker 3: I would love it would be such a pleasant break
• 37:27
  Speaker 3: like reality, but unfortunately that's not an option. I and
• 37:33
  Speaker 3: I really made a point to get up, even from
• 37:37
  Speaker 3: the day. I'm talking from the day he died. Get up,
• 37:40
  Speaker 3: make my bed, take a shower, get dressed, get ready,
• 37:44
  Speaker 3: and move because at the second you're like, well I'm
• 37:47
  Speaker 3: just gonna lay lay here for the day and not
• 37:50
  Speaker 3: get out of my pajamas. Is this second it starts
• 37:53
  Speaker 3: that you're just like forget it. I don't need to
• 37:56
  Speaker 3: do I just was like, my friends are just like
• 37:59
  Speaker 3: I can't believe you should just like blow dried your hair,
• 38:01
  Speaker 3: like it was like the Wednesday, and I was like,
• 38:03
  Speaker 3: if I don't do this, I will like I won't
• 38:07
  Speaker 3: mentally break but I will just be a horrible person
• 38:10
  Speaker 3: to be around, and like, I can't do that to
• 38:13
  Speaker 3: my son, who like didn't ask for that, like you know,
• 38:18
  Speaker 3: and that's a lot of it.
• 38:20
  Speaker 1: My my my best grief thing was fake it till
• 38:24
  Speaker 1: you make it. That was how I made it. Was that,
• 38:29
  Speaker 1: like I picked one thing to look forward to every day,
• 38:34
  Speaker 1: and it was like usually food.
• 38:37
  Speaker 3: Mine's like being able to lay on my couch and
• 38:39
  Speaker 3: just watch the TV. Literally, I think about it this
• 38:41
  Speaker 3: second I wake up. I'm like, I cannot wait until
• 38:44
  Speaker 3: like eight thirty when I can just lay on the
• 38:46
  Speaker 3: couch and complete silence and watch the TV show that
• 38:49
  Speaker 3: I want to watch. Yeah, Like you couldn't pay me
• 38:53
  Speaker 3: to do not. People are like, oh, Matsi's dinner. I'm like,
• 38:55
  Speaker 3: what that sounds horrible. Like I just want to sit
• 38:58
  Speaker 3: on my couch and not have to actually open my
• 39:01
  Speaker 3: mouth to speak to talk to anybody. I think about
• 39:04
  Speaker 3: it the second I open my eyes at seven thirty
• 39:05
  Speaker 3: in the morning, It's true, for now, for now, that
• 39:08
  Speaker 3: is what we do.
• 39:10
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 39:11
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and that's that's that's how you that's how you
• 39:14
  Speaker 1: get through.
• 39:16
  Speaker 3: Yeah. And then and all of a sudden, I'm like
• 39:17
  Speaker 3: it's been it's gonna bee. It's been seven months since
• 39:20
  Speaker 3: he passed, and I'm just like, what, so.
• 39:25
  Speaker 1: What is this? Is one of the things that kept
• 39:28
  Speaker 1: me saying was to be mad at people. So what
• 39:33
  Speaker 1: is the most inappropriate thing that someone has said to
• 39:38
  Speaker 1: you in the last secues? Because that's what carried me
• 39:42
  Speaker 1: through was being talked about it.
• 39:44
  Speaker 3: On my Bookstagram. Someone commented, I'm like, I feel like
• 39:49
  Speaker 3: I saw a lot of these things when when Breed died,
• 39:52
  Speaker 3: a lot of people said really horrible things. So I
• 39:55
  Speaker 3: was kind of ready for it. And I obviously with
• 39:57
  Speaker 3: my Bookstagram, I opened myself up too, so I get it,
• 40:00
  Speaker 3: open myself up to how people being able to judge
• 40:03
  Speaker 3: how I am grieving, what I'm doing bladi da. But
• 40:06
  Speaker 3: someone was like just basically insinuate, like just be grateful
• 40:10
  Speaker 3: it was just your husband as opposed to because she
• 40:13
  Speaker 3: was like, you're grieving because you're a single mom, Like
• 40:15
  Speaker 3: what about the moms who lose their kids?
• 40:18
  Speaker 1: Oh my god?
• 40:19
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 40:21
  Speaker 3: And I was like, there's two parts of this that
• 40:25
  Speaker 3: are so screwed up, because I was like, one, yes,
• 40:28
  Speaker 3: the loss of a child is actually horrible, to the
• 40:32
  Speaker 3: point where it was like people don't realize that I
• 40:34
  Speaker 3: actually had to confront this thought in my head of
• 40:37
  Speaker 3: like what if it was Colby? It not tell what
• 40:42
  Speaker 3: could I have handled? What do I think would have
• 40:45
  Speaker 3: been worse? Like that's no one wants to answer that question.
• 40:48
  Speaker 1: Yeah no, But then you also have to deal with
• 40:50
  Speaker 1: the anxiety. Could I still have it? Like I always
• 40:54
  Speaker 1: like if I get a call from someone like my
• 40:57
  Speaker 1: father in law today, I'm like, someone's dead.
• 41:00
  Speaker 3: My dad literally the other day said to me he
• 41:02
  Speaker 3: called me to tell me that he had to go
• 41:04
  Speaker 3: to like Gerald auto shop, and he called me, which
• 41:06
  Speaker 3: he normally never calls me, so like that was this
• 41:09
  Speaker 3: is on him. I immediately I was like, what the heck?
• 41:14
  Speaker 3: And He's like, you need to calm down, and I
• 41:17
  Speaker 3: was like, oh, yeah, this is bad.
• 41:20
  Speaker 1: Like that, I'm twenty three years out, and I when
• 41:25
  Speaker 1: my father in law calls me or whoever, like if
• 41:28
  Speaker 1: someone calls me out of the blue, I'm like, someone's dead.
• 41:31
  Speaker 1: Like I don't know if that part of my brain
• 41:34
  Speaker 1: will ever. I don't think it will.
• 41:37
  Speaker 3: The anxiety really hits at night for me, when I'm
• 41:40
  Speaker 3: by myself in like this house, I'm like, Wow, this
• 41:42
  Speaker 3: whole entire house is operating on literally my shoulders. Not
• 41:46
  Speaker 3: the start of the anxiety too. I'm like, I can't
• 41:48
  Speaker 3: handle one more loss right now, so I need like
• 41:50
  Speaker 3: everybody to stay alive, like I need to, like, and
• 41:53
  Speaker 3: people are like, that's you know everything, I'll be fine
• 41:56
  Speaker 3: worth that's you know that stuff will never happen. I'm like, Okay,
• 41:58
  Speaker 3: the worst did happen to me? Just a wait. I
• 42:00
  Speaker 3: was like I woke up and like things are not
• 42:03
  Speaker 3: okay in the middle of the night. And the other
• 42:06
  Speaker 3: part of this is for the first like three months,
• 42:08
  Speaker 3: especially with Colby, I would be like very scared to
• 42:12
  Speaker 3: even leave my house because I was like, wow, I'm
• 42:16
  Speaker 3: his only parent, just to everybody else, like and I understand.
• 42:20
  Speaker 3: Everyone's like, that's just so like you know that probably
• 42:24
  Speaker 3: would never happen. And I was like, but what happens
• 42:28
  Speaker 3: if something happens to me? When I like I'm safe
• 42:30
  Speaker 3: in my own home, in my little environment where I
• 42:32
  Speaker 3: troll everything. If I leave this house, who knows? Mary
• 42:36
  Speaker 3: Catherine had that too massive, and I was like like
• 42:39
  Speaker 3: I'm talking like simple things like I'm like forget that
• 42:41
  Speaker 3: I don't even go to Target, Like I literally just
• 42:44
  Speaker 3: like Cavin delivered. There's there's nobody for me to even
• 42:46
  Speaker 3: like bother with this right now?
• 42:49
  Speaker 1: Yeah? Yeah, Mary Catherine, she she had I it was
• 42:53
  Speaker 1: years that she every time she got on a plane,
• 42:55
  Speaker 1: every time she got in a car like that, that
• 42:58
  Speaker 1: fear of having which is part of like yeah but no,
• 43:03
  Speaker 1: but also like that sole responsibility. It's part of why
• 43:06
  Speaker 1: I like still low key hate my dad because my
• 43:09
  Speaker 1: dad like made me an orphan, like by choice.
• 43:11
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I didn't know that about you, by the way, birthday.
• 43:15
  Speaker 1: Oh yeah, yeah, that level of responsibility that like it's
• 43:20
  Speaker 1: like when you lose a kidney, you're like, oh, there's
• 43:21
  Speaker 1: only one left, right, this is it?
• 43:24
  Speaker 3: Yeah, And like I my will recently and like what
• 43:27
  Speaker 3: happens with like what we you know, what happens with Colby?
• 43:32
  Speaker 3: Like should and it's just like a while, I'm just like.
• 43:35
  Speaker 1: Can I can I make a recommendation not necessarily just
• 43:38
  Speaker 1: to you, but just to anyone listening. Yeah, so my
• 43:40
  Speaker 1: mother did a couple things wrong with that.
• 43:44
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 43:44
  Speaker 1: So I was sixteen when she died, so I still
• 43:46
  Speaker 1: needed a guardian. Don't choose your child's guardian based on
• 43:53
  Speaker 1: wanting to hurt someone else. Yeah, So I'm not saying
• 43:57
  Speaker 1: this to you, I'm saying this to my mother. She
• 44:00
  Speaker 1: shows her father's gay brother because her parents were homophobic,
• 44:07
  Speaker 1: and so she thought that would be an extra f
• 44:09
  Speaker 1: you to her parents to choose the gay uncle. But
• 44:12
  Speaker 1: then the gay uncle didn't actually want me, so it's
• 44:16
  Speaker 1: not really an f you to him as it was
• 44:18
  Speaker 1: to me. Right then, I had no guardian. My second
• 44:22
  Speaker 1: piece of advice is to have a spare because I
• 44:28
  Speaker 1: have four backups. Yeah, you need the backups. My mother
• 44:31
  Speaker 1: did not have a backup, and it created a lot
• 44:34
  Speaker 1: of problems with the finances. Another piece of advice that
• 44:38
  Speaker 1: I have as a child who is orphaned is to
• 44:40
  Speaker 1: make one person a guardian, but make a different person
• 44:45
  Speaker 1: the person who's the executor of the estate. Because the
• 44:49
  Speaker 1: person who assumed my guardianship stole a lot of my money,
• 44:55
  Speaker 1: and it wasn't a lot of money, but it was
• 44:57
  Speaker 1: most of my money, and we were able to rest
• 45:02
  Speaker 1: control to my my paternal uncle, who then actually safeguarded
• 45:07
  Speaker 1: the rest of it. But the person who had the
• 45:11
  Speaker 1: control for the first year and a half two years
• 45:14
  Speaker 1: appropriated a fair amount, but then also just through apathy,
• 45:19
  Speaker 1: like wouldn't cut a check when I needed a check
• 45:21
  Speaker 1: because he didn't want that responsibility, he didn't sign up
• 45:24
  Speaker 1: for it. And so like continuing to have those conversations
• 45:28
  Speaker 1: with the people who I have.
• 45:30
  Speaker 3: Family members, like my third backup that literally it says
• 45:33
  Speaker 3: in it like if this person cannot handle this, move
• 45:38
  Speaker 3: on like more or less the wording of that to
• 45:40
  Speaker 3: this person and like give them the ability to be
• 45:43
  Speaker 3: like we can't, like you know, that's the way to
• 45:47
  Speaker 3: say that. But yeah, it's wild that I'm even like
• 45:52
  Speaker 3: you got like it gives you a lot of anxiety
• 45:54
  Speaker 3: when you do anything. You're just like, wow, I don't
• 45:56
  Speaker 3: even want to what's the point of this. I'll just
• 45:59
  Speaker 3: sit on my couch. That there's just you know, it's
• 46:02
  Speaker 3: getting better. It's one hundred percent getting better. But those
• 46:04
  Speaker 3: first especially when he was younger, just absolute panic. You're
• 46:10
  Speaker 3: just like you you know, him going anywhere with anybody,
• 46:14
  Speaker 3: I'm just like, I just can't even. But going back
• 46:18
  Speaker 3: to that is that you saying what's the worst thing
• 46:22
  Speaker 3: someone said to me? Was definitely the start of that
• 46:24
  Speaker 3: was like saying that, you know, basically just it's horrendous,
• 46:31
  Speaker 3: and I do believe the other the other part of
• 46:34
  Speaker 3: this is like such a wild thing that people this
• 46:36
  Speaker 3: isn't even said to widows. Is like I've had one.
• 46:39
  Speaker 3: You get trauma dumped all over you and during funerals
• 46:41
  Speaker 3: from other people being like, well this happened to me,
• 46:43
  Speaker 3: and I get there trying to like connect with you.
• 46:45
  Speaker 3: So I under I'm not saying it's a bad thing.
• 46:47
  Speaker 3: It's just one of those things you're just like I okay,
• 46:50
  Speaker 3: I don't know how to even like process this right now,
• 46:52
  Speaker 3: but thank you for trauma dumping on they. Is when
• 46:56
  Speaker 3: somebody said, like I get it, like my dog died,
• 47:00
  Speaker 3: oh my, and I was like, I'm gonna say something
• 47:04
  Speaker 3: a little controversial here for all the dog lovers, and
• 47:06
  Speaker 3: I have a dog who I love dearly. It's not
• 47:09
  Speaker 3: a human. Here are different levels of like I think
• 47:13
  Speaker 3: the loss of a human being is like absolutely horrible.
• 47:19
  Speaker 3: I don't like, I don't think my husband dying can
• 47:22
  Speaker 3: be compared to like your divorce from your crappy husband,
• 47:25
  Speaker 3: you know what I mean?
• 47:26
  Speaker 1: Yeah, Like what I had a lot of people say
• 47:30
  Speaker 1: to me after my mom died and my dad died
• 47:32
  Speaker 1: like sixteen and nineteen, people used to like, I lost
• 47:35
  Speaker 1: my husband too, and I was so young and so
• 47:38
  Speaker 1: angry that I would say, like how old were you?
• 47:41
  Speaker 2: Oh?
• 47:42
  Speaker 1: Were you? Were you sixteen? No? Were did your second
• 47:47
  Speaker 1: parent kill themselves at nineteen?
• 47:49
  Speaker 3: Oh?
• 47:50
  Speaker 1: So they saw you get married, they saw your children
• 47:52
  Speaker 1: be born, they saw all of those thing and so yeah,
• 47:56
  Speaker 1: it's just it's not the same.
• 47:58
  Speaker 3: Start to get angry about things that even I call
• 48:00
  Speaker 3: like my age of widowhood, I really which is funny,
• 48:03
  Speaker 3: I call it like the forgotten Widows because I really
• 48:05
  Speaker 3: do believe, like I'm thirty six thirty five, I'm young,
• 48:11
  Speaker 3: but I'm also in a weird place of like I
• 48:14
  Speaker 3: don't think I want to like heaven, say, when I
• 48:17
  Speaker 3: do start dating, which who knows, I like can't even
• 48:20
  Speaker 3: think about that without like having hives. So like years
• 48:24
  Speaker 3: and then it's like you find someone and you like
• 48:26
  Speaker 3: you date and then like that's years and then you
• 48:29
  Speaker 3: like get engaged and then you get married, Like I'm
• 48:31
  Speaker 3: not I don't want to be pregnant at party. So like, ultimately,
• 48:36
  Speaker 3: really like the hard truth is is like this is
• 48:38
  Speaker 3: really my only child, and then if I date, like
• 48:43
  Speaker 3: that means like the person that I do date is
• 48:46
  Speaker 3: you know, needs to be okay with like that being
• 48:50
  Speaker 3: it so like you're the pool of things starts to
• 48:52
  Speaker 3: get and I'm just like I kind of feel like
• 48:55
  Speaker 3: we differ from widows who were married to their husband
• 48:58
  Speaker 3: for twenty something years have grand kid. It's like, I
• 49:02
  Speaker 3: do feel like it's different. I know the pain.
• 49:05
  Speaker 4: Thres a lot of expectation on widows as well, like
• 49:09
  Speaker 4: particularly young widows to not kind of restart their lives
• 49:14
  Speaker 4: and to not date and to not oh yeah, I
• 49:18
  Speaker 4: want in love again. I think that there's a real
• 49:20
  Speaker 4: kind of taboo against them, which is.
• 49:22
  Speaker 3: Yeah, like it's like you, you know, you need to
• 49:27
  Speaker 3: have a certain amount, like a time that seems reasonable
• 49:29
  Speaker 3: for other people to be like, well, you know, he
• 49:32
  Speaker 3: just died. It's like, well, I don't so what you
• 49:35
  Speaker 3: tell me when it's like the appropriate time that like
• 49:38
  Speaker 3: I can be over this, or like when is it
• 49:40
  Speaker 3: not like so forever, Like I'm just supposed to be
• 49:43
  Speaker 3: like the single mom with just my son forever. Like you,
• 49:48
  Speaker 3: you would think that other people would want more people
• 49:51
  Speaker 3: to love your child, like to have your child to
• 49:54
  Speaker 3: have a full like life with people who love him
• 49:58
  Speaker 3: added on from that loss. But like people really get
• 50:02
  Speaker 3: very like what I mean, you're seeing someone like I
• 50:07
  Speaker 3: can like I it makes me not want to even
• 50:09
  Speaker 3: do it, like right now, Like it is truly one
• 50:11
  Speaker 3: of those things you're just like, I don't, it's just
• 50:12
  Speaker 3: like not something.
• 50:14
  Speaker 1: Do you follow Kelly Rizzo on Instagram? No, so I
• 50:19
  Speaker 1: really recommend her. We actually have like mutual friends. But
• 50:22
  Speaker 1: she was married to Bob Saget okay, and she talks
• 50:26
  Speaker 1: a lot. So she's dating again. Do you remember the
• 50:30
  Speaker 1: stoner guy from Clueless brecken Meyer, I think his name
• 50:34
  Speaker 1: is So she's dating him now, and she is such
• 50:40
  Speaker 1: an I So because of like my past I I
• 50:45
  Speaker 1: Mary Catherine, I call it grief porn. I don't think
• 50:47
  Speaker 1: it's grief porn, but I like have a heart for grief.
• 50:52
  Speaker 1: It's so weird. So I have weirdly enjoyed following her
• 50:56
  Speaker 1: sort of grief journey, and and I think that she's
• 50:59
  Speaker 1: handled it really beautifully because she's just like very open
• 51:03
  Speaker 1: and very honest, and like she recorded this one video.
• 51:06
  Speaker 1: She's a she's like a recipe developer, and so she
• 51:09
  Speaker 1: was talking about making a recipe as she's talking about
• 51:13
  Speaker 1: like this weird thing where you're dating after the loss
• 51:17
  Speaker 1: of your husband. But it's all in the public eye,
• 51:19
  Speaker 1: and so it's she She talks a lot about like
• 51:23
  Speaker 1: this process of like what would Bob think. He wouldn't
• 51:27
  Speaker 1: like it, but if he was going to pick anyone,
• 51:29
  Speaker 1: it would be Breckon. I recommend her. I think that
• 51:34
  Speaker 1: you would really appreciate that.
• 51:36
  Speaker 3: I follows Spilled Milk Mama was recommended to me. She
• 51:40
  Speaker 3: has lost her husband in a car accident when she
• 51:43
  Speaker 3: was twenty nine and she had just her baby was
• 51:46
  Speaker 3: she had a daughter, and then her son was two
• 51:48
  Speaker 3: weeks old. She recently just got she hadgotten her I
• 51:53
  Speaker 3: think remarried last year and they had a baby. But
• 51:55
  Speaker 3: she did like that today she also like had to
• 51:58
  Speaker 3: go through that whole thing of like dating and like
• 52:01
  Speaker 3: what that you know, the expectations just like I don't know,
• 52:05
  Speaker 3: it's just like we don't have these expectations on any
• 52:07
  Speaker 3: It's like all of a sudden, it's like young women, widows,
• 52:09
  Speaker 3: you're just like I was a dude. It's like no
• 52:11
  Speaker 3: one cares, no serious I say this. Men who lose
• 52:15
  Speaker 3: their husbands, I mean their wives, they're just like it's fine,
• 52:19
  Speaker 3: but he needs a wife to take care of help
• 52:21
  Speaker 3: them take care of this.
• 52:22
  Speaker 2: Even when they remarry, like a year after everybody for him.
• 52:26
  Speaker 2: He needs.
• 52:28
  Speaker 3: Help me, Like she has to just be like this,
• 52:32
  Speaker 3: she needs to do this all by herself the whole
• 52:34
  Speaker 3: time until she does Yeah, yeah alone.
• 52:37
  Speaker 1: I hope Seth gets remarried because someone needs to cook
• 52:41
  Speaker 1: for my children.
• 52:42
  Speaker 3: No, like Tyler cooked all the time. I need to
• 52:44
  Speaker 3: find someone who just cooks. I say this all the time.
• 52:47
  Speaker 3: Oh my god, Like I said, he used to save
• 52:49
  Speaker 3: like lunch things that he was going to like pack
• 52:51
  Speaker 3: for coldby like later on like it. He used to
• 52:54
  Speaker 3: always say, like he's like, I don't know what would
• 52:56
  Speaker 3: happen if you died, Like you wouldn't be able to
• 52:58
  Speaker 3: feed yourself. And I'm just like every time am I
• 53:00
  Speaker 3: go in the kitchen, I'm like no, for real? Well really,
• 53:04
  Speaker 3: like I am wondering McDonald's again tonight. Okay, when this
• 53:08
  Speaker 3: kid stopped eating formula and I have to make like meals,
• 53:10
  Speaker 3: I'm to have an absolute panic attack.
• 53:13
  Speaker 1: So you can ease into it, you can, Yeah, I'm.
• 53:15
  Speaker 3: Gotta have to because like, oh man, I keep the get.
• 53:18
  Speaker 2: In to feed my kid and then like five minutes
• 53:20
  Speaker 2: before at that time, I'm like throwing like sticks like snags,
• 53:24
  Speaker 2: and she's so tired. She's like rubbing it into her eyes.
• 53:29
  Speaker 3: Even hungry. I'm so not even hungry anymore.
• 53:33
  Speaker 1: I really made myself feel better that that saying food
• 53:37
  Speaker 1: before food before one is just for fun. Yeah, I
• 53:39
  Speaker 1: keep telling myself that, to keep telling yourself that I.
• 53:42
  Speaker 3: Know he's gonna be one next week, so like, I
• 53:44
  Speaker 3: don't know how much longer I can like go with that,
• 53:46
  Speaker 3: but it is.
• 53:47
  Speaker 1: Just think think of the formula as like a protein shake.
• 53:50
  Speaker 3: Yeah that's what a what a whole situation. But yeah,
• 53:54
  Speaker 3: I need the next person I date has to be
• 53:55
  Speaker 3: able to cook, because I'm like over it already, and I'm.
• 53:59
  Speaker 1: You'll have that on your to do list. Literally, I
• 54:02
  Speaker 1: had someone picked out for Seth for a really long
• 54:05
  Speaker 1: time and then she went and got married.
• 54:07
  Speaker 3: I wish I to see another thing life insurance, and
• 54:10
  Speaker 3: Tyler should have had a backup for himself.
• 54:15
  Speaker 2: Wait, how long were you together? Because I guess you
• 54:18
  Speaker 2: are married.
• 54:18
  Speaker 3: For you're married for fourteen months. We were together before
• 54:22
  Speaker 3: that for three years. Because so I.
• 54:25
  Speaker 1: Tell tell the story of this, you were like I
• 54:29
  Speaker 1: guess you were younger than I thought you were. But
• 54:32
  Speaker 1: I it was like a real fairy tale situation that
• 54:35
  Speaker 1: I loved watching on social.
• 54:37
  Speaker 3: Yeah. We He was a bartender at the pub and
• 54:39
  Speaker 3: I originally walked in in June of that summer of
• 54:45
  Speaker 3: twenty twenty and I met. We had talked and like
• 54:49
  Speaker 3: I didn't think anything of it, and I had a
• 54:51
  Speaker 3: Yankee he was we were both New York Yankees fans,
• 54:54
  Speaker 3: and it was like baseball had like it was actually
• 54:57
  Speaker 3: going on and they started late but whatever, and they
• 54:59
  Speaker 3: had like a because of COVID, and my name was
• 55:01
  Speaker 3: Brielle and his best friend's name is Brielle and she
• 55:04
  Speaker 3: also went to Penn State, so that's why he was like, whoa,
• 55:06
  Speaker 3: this is crazy, like whatever. And then I didn't go
• 55:09
  Speaker 3: back into the pub for like four months. And then
• 55:12
  Speaker 3: I went back into the pub in like I think
• 55:14
  Speaker 3: it was September, and I walk in and he goes Brielle,
• 55:18
  Speaker 3: He's like, where have you been? And I was like, god, here,
• 55:22
  Speaker 3: I don't know what. And he was all getting off
• 55:25
  Speaker 3: ship and he sat next to me and we talked
• 55:27
  Speaker 3: for like three hours and then literally from there he
• 55:31
  Speaker 3: ended up. That's when he got severe pancreain titus, like
• 55:34
  Speaker 3: about three weeks later, and he was in the hospital
• 55:38
  Speaker 3: for almost three weeks. He was in the ic for
• 55:41
  Speaker 3: a week, got his gallbladders taken out. Yeah, Like everything
• 55:45
  Speaker 3: was pretty bad. And he had a sister that I mean
• 55:47
  Speaker 3: that was the start of all of that, just not.
• 55:50
  Speaker 2: Being what istitis.
• 55:52
  Speaker 3: I literally don't I know that it was caused from
• 55:54
  Speaker 3: like he was just not healthy prior to me being
• 55:58
  Speaker 3: with him is the best way to say it. But
• 56:01
  Speaker 3: it was inflamed more or less. And then pancreas and
• 56:06
  Speaker 3: like basically your pancreas breaks down like everything that like
• 56:10
  Speaker 3: it's very important and you once it goes, it goes
• 56:13
  Speaker 3: like there's no replacing You're pancreas. I'll say that.
• 56:18
  Speaker 1: One thing that I loved about your story was I remember,
• 56:21
  Speaker 1: you know, you've you shared it when you guys got married,
• 56:23
  Speaker 1: and I was like, how many people do I know
• 56:25
  Speaker 1: who met not on an app?
• 56:28
  Speaker 3: I now a girl it meets guy in a bar? Yeah?
• 56:31
  Speaker 1: And how retro?
• 56:32
  Speaker 2: Was that? So old school?
• 56:35
  Speaker 1: Yeah?
• 56:35
  Speaker 3: I know, I loved it. Yeah, And it was just
• 56:38
  Speaker 3: like from there he ended up getting a different job.
• 56:41
  Speaker 3: He was no longer of our tender and he proposed
• 56:45
  Speaker 3: October of twenty twenty two because we were engaged for
• 56:48
  Speaker 3: a year and then I found out I was pregnant
• 56:51
  Speaker 3: with like four weeks after or what, literally in December
• 56:56
  Speaker 3: after our wed, I called my dad and he's like,
• 56:58
  Speaker 3: we called it. We said you're gonna be pregnant for
• 57:00
  Speaker 3: the end of this year. And I'm like what I
• 57:01
  Speaker 3: was like, I literally as soon as it turned positive,
• 57:03
  Speaker 3: I looked at him and looks bad. It's like I
• 57:05
  Speaker 3: kind of want to jump off the rabbinnelt we need
• 57:07
  Speaker 3: to throw out everything in this apartment. I don't know
• 57:09
  Speaker 3: what's going on, and he's like, this is great.
• 57:12
  Speaker 1: I remember talking about you with Mary Catherine when when
• 57:15
  Speaker 1: we found out you were pregnant instantly and we're like,
• 57:18
  Speaker 1: got it done?
• 57:19
  Speaker 3: What I know? And then I mean, like it's so wild.
• 57:23
  Speaker 3: It's almost like you're like, I don't know. It's like
• 57:28
  Speaker 3: and I mean, if you're a religious type, it's almost
• 57:30
  Speaker 3: in which you know we were. I'm Catholic. It's like
• 57:32
  Speaker 3: I kind of feel like God was preparing me for
• 57:36
  Speaker 3: what ultimately happened, because we ended up baptizing him really early.
• 57:40
  Speaker 3: The bait like we ended up getting coldly baptized. He
• 57:42
  Speaker 3: was only like three months old. But I wanted I
• 57:44
  Speaker 3: remember saying, like pushing to get it done early because
• 57:47
  Speaker 3: like I knew my brother would be in town. I
• 57:48
  Speaker 3: wanted to be done before Christmas, and Tyler passed weeks
• 57:52
  Speaker 3: like I'm talking like three weeks.
• 57:54
  Speaker 1: After we Also, God made sure that you got pregnant
• 57:57
  Speaker 1: right away, So I mean.
• 57:58
  Speaker 3: A lot of it, like because I at the end
• 58:00
  Speaker 3: of metriosis, there's a lot of things that like I've
• 58:03
  Speaker 3: had doctors be like, it's going to be very before this,
• 58:06
  Speaker 3: like very complicated for you. If you do get pregnant,
• 58:08
  Speaker 3: it'll be very like highly unlikely it happens, but it
• 58:13
  Speaker 3: might be really hard. And I'm talking like it was
• 58:16
  Speaker 3: instant like honeymoon. Like literally, I was just like, so
• 58:20
  Speaker 3: like I do I feel like And then, like I said,
• 58:22
  Speaker 3: I think ultimately like Colby's what has made me survive,
• 58:27
  Speaker 3: but at least the initial beginning of it as one
• 58:29
  Speaker 3: hundred percent like to survive that like massive initial feeling
• 58:33
  Speaker 3: of grief like I just couldn't succumb to it is
• 58:37
  Speaker 3: this yeah, yeah, And.
• 58:38
  Speaker 1: That's what Mary Catherine said too, And she said that
• 58:40
  Speaker 1: like having her oldest daughter to take care of, but
• 58:43
  Speaker 1: then also being pregnant and can't like she couldn't spiral
• 58:47
  Speaker 1: for a night and just get like because she was pregnant.
• 58:50
  Speaker 1: You can't know, And.
• 58:51
  Speaker 3: I think you think about it this way, like I
• 58:53
  Speaker 3: am the only person who can take him to the
• 58:57
  Speaker 3: doctor in the middle of the night if I have to,
• 58:59
  Speaker 3: so like I can't just sit on my couch with
• 59:00
  Speaker 3: a bottle of wine, yea drunk and like Heaven forbid,
• 59:04
  Speaker 3: all of a sudden something happens and I'm like, we
• 59:06
  Speaker 3: got to get him somewhere, like and I can't drive,
• 59:08
  Speaker 3: so like you really have to think, like you know,
• 59:11
  Speaker 3: I couldn't do that either, Like as much as you
• 59:14
  Speaker 3: want to be, like I just want to forget and
• 59:16
  Speaker 3: like you know, basically blackout, like like you can't. You can't.
• 59:20
  Speaker 3: I don't know.
• 59:21
  Speaker 1: The weird another weird thing to say, but like we
• 59:24
  Speaker 1: talk about you all the time, like Mary Catherine and
• 59:26
  Speaker 1: I like from the day this happened to like you
• 59:31
  Speaker 1: have this like you're really sending good thoughts my life,
• 59:33
  Speaker 1: quiet cheering section that you have not necessarily known about.
• 59:38
  Speaker 1: But like I check in with Vanessa about you, like
• 59:41
  Speaker 1: and then Mary Catherine checks in with me.
• 59:43
  Speaker 3: I talked to him as every night every day, she
• 59:45
  Speaker 3: tells me at like ten o'clock because she knows I'm
• 59:47
  Speaker 3: like a night owl for like an hour or that
• 59:50
  Speaker 3: I can be you should check in so I know,
• 59:53
  Speaker 3: I really I feel like that was another thing after
• 59:56
  Speaker 3: the funeral, like Eyady said to me like that had
• 59:59
  Speaker 3: not met all of my closest friends. They were like
• 1:00:01
  Speaker 3: they were like, you have like the best friends and
• 1:00:03
  Speaker 3: I was like, yeah, it's all wild. They were like
• 1:00:06
  Speaker 3: you have friends from like every stage of your life
• 1:00:08
  Speaker 3: that are still around, like it's crazy. And I was
• 1:00:11
  Speaker 3: like yeah, someone said like someone asked, like a friend
• 1:00:15
  Speaker 3: of mine that lives here that I had known for
• 1:00:17
  Speaker 3: like two seconds came by to say hello, and things
• 1:00:20
  Speaker 3: were just happening around like people were just handling things
• 1:00:22
  Speaker 3: around me. And she said she left that day and
• 1:00:24
  Speaker 3: said to her husband like, I hope my friends show
• 1:00:27
  Speaker 3: up like this if anything happens, like what was going on.
• 1:00:32
  Speaker 3: It was like a well oiled machine. That's what she said,
• 1:00:34
  Speaker 3: Like what was happening in Brielle's house? And I'm like
• 1:00:37
  Speaker 3: if it wasn't, I didn't, Like I mean, like who knows,
• 1:00:41
  Speaker 3: like we're lucky coold, Like I was like I didn't.
• 1:00:43
  Speaker 3: I don't think I changed one diaper that week because
• 1:00:45
  Speaker 3: I was just like I can't even like handle you
• 1:00:49
  Speaker 3: know what I mean, You're just like it's just too
• 1:00:51
  Speaker 3: do with too much like mentally to like do any
• 1:00:54
  Speaker 3: of it. So it's greatful for that.
• 1:00:56
  Speaker 1: Thank god you have that community, and thank you for
• 1:00:59
  Speaker 1: coming on. I mean, I think there's a lot of
• 1:01:01
  Speaker 1: important things that people like don't want to think about
• 1:01:06
  Speaker 1: but need to, like life insurance, and I have had.
• 1:01:10
  Speaker 3: Life insurance on my to do list for to listen Karah,
• 1:01:16
  Speaker 3: I have not acknowledged this podcast anywhere. If you don't
• 1:01:19
  Speaker 3: do that, I.
• 1:01:20
  Speaker 1: Literally just tax my husband down here, like we need
• 1:01:23
  Speaker 1: so between here we'll make will make you this promise
• 1:01:27
  Speaker 1: between right now and when it is released, Car will
• 1:01:31
  Speaker 1: obtain it.
• 1:01:32
  Speaker 3: At least all figure out what you need to do,
• 1:01:35
  Speaker 3: like at least start the steps of it, because I
• 1:01:37
  Speaker 3: feel like it feels daunting because you're just like, oh,
• 1:01:39
  Speaker 3: this is going to take me so long, and the
• 1:01:41
  Speaker 3: next thing, you know, it really doesn't take It's.
• 1:01:42
  Speaker 2: Just like one of those things that takes fifteen minutes
• 1:01:44
  Speaker 2: but you put it off.
• 1:01:46
  Speaker 1: It's just paperwork. But it's also like you, Car are
• 1:01:50
  Speaker 1: in a point in your life where you actually don't
• 1:01:52
  Speaker 1: fill up enough paperwork and so you can do it
• 1:01:56
  Speaker 1: now and then when you have a kid who's like
• 1:01:58
  Speaker 1: getting older and like going to camp, and then you're like, oh,
• 1:02:02
  Speaker 1: this is paperwork.
• 1:02:03
  Speaker 2: So think me who just moved to America doesn't enough paperwork.
• 1:02:08
  Speaker 2: I've been in.
• 1:02:10
  Speaker 3: Many conturn will be a breeze for you.
• 1:02:13
  Speaker 1: Okay, amazing, Well, thank you so much. And so where
• 1:02:18
  Speaker 1: can folks follow you and all of all of the things.
• 1:02:23
  Speaker 3: Well, on Instagram it's books with Briell. I also have
• 1:02:25
  Speaker 3: a sub stack. I believe it's also books with Briell.
• 1:02:29
  Speaker 3: It's like, honestly, I think that's the thing, like when
• 1:02:31
  Speaker 3: you go on substack and search, but yeah, so I
• 1:02:34
  Speaker 3: have a substack as well. And then I would say there,
• 1:02:37
  Speaker 3: I'm not too super active on Twitter, but Brielle Ann,
• 1:02:40
  Speaker 3: but I would say Bookstagram is my best because it's
• 1:02:42
  Speaker 3: really just I really transitioned. Well, it's not just books
• 1:02:47
  Speaker 3: anymore obviously, because my husband died, I wasn't going to
• 1:02:49
  Speaker 3: come back to books to ram and be like, Okay,
• 1:02:51
  Speaker 3: my husband didn't die. Here like I have great book recommendations,
• 1:02:53
  Speaker 3: but you know, but you still do that though. That's
• 1:02:56
  Speaker 3: the thing. But I also have to acknowledge the fact
• 1:02:58
  Speaker 3: that like I have other like dark is going on because.
• 1:03:00
  Speaker 1: It's right, but it makes you more interesting as a result. Sorry,
• 1:03:05
  Speaker 1: it's just oh I agree.
• 1:03:07
  Speaker 3: So I was just it just it felt weird, not
• 1:03:09
  Speaker 3: like you know, kind of acknowledging it or like showing
• 1:03:13
  Speaker 3: people what's going on, because I do feel like there
• 1:03:15
  Speaker 3: are I get messages from like what it was my age,
• 1:03:18
  Speaker 3: all the timing like thanks for saying the things that
• 1:03:20
  Speaker 3: like what needed to be said, because people also just
• 1:03:24
  Speaker 3: say the dumbest things to us. So I'm just like,
• 1:03:26
  Speaker 3: we're gonna have We're gonna have a class today about what.
• 1:03:29
  Speaker 2: Have you read the Carol Radswell.
• 1:03:32
  Speaker 3: I have it on my shelf to read. Someone was like,
• 1:03:36
  Speaker 3: when you're ready read it because at the time I wasn't,
• 1:03:39
  Speaker 3: but I I know her. She coined the term grief
• 1:03:42
  Speaker 3: cultures is like one of the things she talks about,
• 1:03:44
  Speaker 3: and I was just like, so like people who don't
• 1:03:48
  Speaker 3: even know you that will be like come, like how
• 1:03:51
  Speaker 3: did he die?
• 1:03:53
  Speaker 1: Oh? Yes?
• 1:03:54
  Speaker 2: Like do you know who he?
• 1:03:56
  Speaker 3: Who she is?
• 1:03:57
  Speaker 1: Bethany, No, Mary Catherine. We call them and we call
• 1:04:02
  Speaker 1: it grief porn.
• 1:04:03
  Speaker 3: You know who?
• 1:04:04
  Speaker 1: K oh No? No.
• 1:04:06
  Speaker 2: He was married to Anthony rads Will.
• 1:04:08
  Speaker 3: He's a real half of New York too.
• 1:04:10
  Speaker 2: Yeah, do you watch your house has something?
• 1:04:13
  Speaker 3: Yeah? I watch her Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, she's I'm
• 1:04:18
  Speaker 3: gonna actually because I have that an option. I think
• 1:04:20
  Speaker 3: it's option be on my shelf someone gave me. But
• 1:04:22
  Speaker 3: I wanted to read her her book first because I
• 1:04:24
  Speaker 3: was like, I just feel like she's very real about
• 1:04:26
  Speaker 3: like just want about grief when you're talking about things.
• 1:04:30
  Speaker 3: So she's definitely someone that.
• 1:04:32
  Speaker 1: Because people ultimately want to know that it can't happen
• 1:04:35
  Speaker 1: to them, and so they want to hear what happened
• 1:04:39
  Speaker 1: so that they can reassure themselves that it won't happen
• 1:04:41
  Speaker 1: to them, that they're safe.
• 1:04:43
  Speaker 3: That's another thing. Don't ask someone how they died. If
• 1:04:45
  Speaker 3: if someone's not specifically telling you how they died, you don't. Yeah,
• 1:04:49
  Speaker 3: that's also crazy. But yeah, and get life insurance.
• 1:04:54
  Speaker 1: This is a lot of good information and how to
• 1:04:56
  Speaker 1: support a friend in the pro that's a great idea.
• 1:05:02
  Speaker 1: Thank you so much for joining us. This was really
• 1:05:06
  Speaker 1: weirdly nice. All right, guys, until next time, Follow us
• 1:05:11
  Speaker 1: on Instagram and subsac at the mom Wars hit subscribe
• 1:05:15
  Speaker 1: and if you could leave us some reviews, that would
• 1:05:17
  Speaker 1: be nice. It's been a while since we've gotten new reviews.
• 1:05:20
  Speaker 3: I'll eave want, I'll leave it when we get to
• 1:05:22
  Speaker 3: life insurance. All we want there, Oh, there we go.
• 1:05:26
  Speaker 1: I love it all right until guy, Until next time,
• 1:05:29
  Speaker 1: saddle up,