Latest / Unlocking The Paradigm Portal / Why Do You Keep Ending Up in the Same Relationship? ~ Be Real Not Nice Series

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Why Do You Keep Ending Up in the Same Relationship? ~ Be Real Not Nice Series · Unlocking The Paradigm Portal

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  Good morning, everyone. Welcome back to Unlocking the
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  Paradigm Portal. My name is Sarah.
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  It is 6:00 AM on a Monday and 6:00 AM right after the time
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  change. I am not enjoying this.
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  May I just say that? And if you're here, that already
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  tells me something about you, that you're not the kind of
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  person who hit snooze on your personal growth.
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  You might hit your snooze alarm on your phone, and that's OK.
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  I hit it at least four or five times in the morning, so we're
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  just going to cut to the chase and get into it.
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  Last week I talked about the one stone rule, and that is the idea
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  that you don't need a massive overhaul or a new year or a rock
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  bottom moment or a Pinterest vision board to start building
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  the life you want. However, Pinterest vision boards
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  kind of fun to do. I just did 1.
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  You just need one stone, one small deliberate action that you
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  lay every single day in the direction of the person that
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  you're choosing to become. That's it, that's how it starts.
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  And I hope you laid some stones this past week and I hope you
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  continue this week. And I hope that some of you
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  named a thing or tried a thing or showed up a little
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  differently than the week before because that's the whole point.
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  It's not about perfection, it's about direction.
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  But this week, I want to go somewhere deeper.
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  Because before you can lay the right stones, do you actually
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  know what you've been building? Because a lot of us have been
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  super busy, and a lot of us have been working hard and showing up
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  and trying and trying again. And we look up one day and we
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  realized we built the same structure we swore we'd never
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  live in again. The same relationship dynamic,
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  different person, same conflict, different words, same feeling in
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  your chest when it goes sideways.
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  Different circumstances, same outcome.
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  Does this sound familiar? Yeah, me too.
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  So this week we're going somewhere that most people
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  avoid. And this is based on my Sunday
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  deep dive yesterday. That was entitled murder board.
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  And just as a heads up, no murder was actually involved in
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  the making of said murder board. It was about breaking down
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  relationship patterns. Check it out.
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  So we're going to look at the foundation, not to tear it down,
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  and we're not going to blow anything up or stand in the
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  rubble and feel bad about ourselves, but we're going to do
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  it to finally, and I mean finally understand it.
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  So here's the thing that nobody really wants to say at 6:00 AM
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  on a Monday, but I'm going to because this is what I do.
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  Every relationship you have ever been in, every single one had
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  one consistent variable, One thing that was present in every
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  dynamic, in every conflict, and in every pattern that kept
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  showing up. And that, my friends, is you.
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  Now before you get pissed off and turn this off, I need you to
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  hear what I'm not saying. Let me just clarify this.
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  I am not saying everything was your fault, and I'm not saying
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  that the people who hurt you didn't hurt you.
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  And I am not saying that your pain was not real or that you
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  caused it. That is not what this is.
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  I'm saying this not as a weapon and not a shame, as information,
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  because here's what's actually true.
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  The pattern that keeps showing up in your relationships, the
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  one you've talked about with your best friend or your
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  therapist or your coach or your journal at 2:00 in the morning.
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  That pattern doesn't live in the other person.
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  It can't. They're gone, new person, same
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  pattern, which means it never lived in them.
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  And that might be a hard truth to really have sink in.
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  It lives in you and what you're drawn to and what you find
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  familiar and what you've learned to call love and what you
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  tolerate because some part of you believes that's what you're
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  worth and what you keep choosing, even when there's a
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  voice somewhere inside of you that knows better, that's been
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  knowing better and that you've been overriding for years.
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  And that's not a character flaw. Let me say that one more time.
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  That is not a character flaw. That is an attachment pattern
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  running on autopilot. And it was built a very long
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  time ago in a much smaller body by a much younger version of you
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  who was doing the absolute best that they could with what they
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  had. That kid was resourceful.
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  That kid was surviving, and we're not here to blame that
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  kid, but that kid is not in charge anymore.
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  Or they really shouldn't be. And I don't like to use the
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  should word. But in this case, if your inner
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  child who is so wounded is in charge of the direction of your
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  life, the should is going to come in there because the adult
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  needs to take over. And a lot of the work that we do
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  in this space and that I talk about all the time is exactly
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  that, figuring out who is actually driving your life.
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  Because the most important thing I can tell you this Monday
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  morning is this. You cannot change what you
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  refuse to see. I'm going to say that one more
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  time. So it really sinks in.
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  You cannot change what you refuse to see.
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  Now, here's why this is actually good news.
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  And I really need you to hear this part because everything
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  that comes next depends upon it. If the pattern lives in you, you
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  can change it. You might not believe it, but
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  I'm telling you it's true. I'm living experience of that
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  one. You cannot change the other
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  person. You never could.
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  And I know you tried. I know you tried having the
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  conversation and then the different conversation and then
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  maybe an ultimatum. And then you maybe tried
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  silence. And silence builds resentment.
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  And then maybe you decided to try again from a different
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  angle. And I know.
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  And it didn't work because you cannot install insight into
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  another human being. You cannot want their healing
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  for them more than they want it for themselves.
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  You know this, you've probably known it for a while.
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  But you, you are entirely within your own reach.
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  Every single part of what needs to shift.
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  The patterns, the beliefs, the old wiring, the autopilot that
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  keeps steering you somewhere you've already been, all of it
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  is yours to work with. That's not a burden, that is
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  power. Seeing yourself as the common
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  denominator isn't self blame, it is self authority.
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  It is the moment, like the actual moment, that you stop
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  outsourcing your healing to the behavior of other people and
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  take the wheel back. It's the shift from why does
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  this keep happening to me to why do I keep happening to this?
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  And that is not a small shift. That is an entirely different
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  life. Because when you ask why does
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  this keep happening to me, you're stuck.
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  You're waiting. You need someone else to change,
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  to show up, to finally get it before anything can be
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  different. You are at the mercy of
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  variables that you cannot control.
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  But when you change the question and ask, why do I keep showing
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  up the same way? Now you have something to work
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  with. Now you're in the room where the
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  actual work happens. Now you are not waiting for
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  anything or anyone. You are the answer and you are
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  the agent of change. So that question, why do I keep
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  showing up the same way? Is quite literally the most
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  powerful question you will ever ask yourself.
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  And it's also the most uncomfortable one.
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  It will make you want to redirect to what they did or
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  what they said or how they were. I know, but do it anyway.
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  Ask the question anyway. Because here's the other thing
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  that not a lot of people talk about The pattern.
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  The one that keeps showing up. It's not random, and it's not
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  bad luck, and it's not that you're cursed or broken or that
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  love just isn't for you. The pattern is actually
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  brilliant in its own way. It's your nervous system doing
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  what nervous systems do, seeking the familiar.
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  It's recreating what it knows how to navigate, even when what
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  it knows how to navigate is chaos.
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  Even when what it knows how to navigate is heartbreak, even
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  when what it knows how to navigate is loneliness.
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  That wound is not stupid, it's incredibly efficient.
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  It just needs updated instructions.
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  So stop waiting for different people start showing up
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  differently yourself. So here is your Monday stone.
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  The one thing that's it. I'm not asking you to overhaul
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  your attachment style before Wednesday.
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  I'm not asking you to go back through every relationship and
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  perform a forensic analysis. Although I did that again,
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  reference that video yesterday. Super enlightening.
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  That is not the stone that is like the mountain of boulders.
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  You don't have to go there. The stone is smaller than that.
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  I want you to think about one pattern that you can see in your
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  relationships, past or present, not theirs.
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  Yours take ownership of this one thing that you keep doing or
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  tolerating or reaching for or running from.
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  One thing that, if you're honest with yourself, you've seen
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  before, maybe in a different apartment or a different house,
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  or with a different person, or with a slightly different flavor
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  or texture, but the same feeling underneath.
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  Maybe it's that you leave before you can be left.
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  Maybe it's that you stay long past the expiration date because
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  the idea of starting over is more frightening than staying
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  somewhere that stopped working. Maybe you go quiet when you
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  should speak up, and maybe you come out swinging when what you
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  actually need is to say I'm scared.
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  And maybe you pick the unavailable partner every time
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  and then wonder why you feel alone inside the relationship.
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  I'm not going to tell you which one it is.
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  You already know. You've known for a while, and
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  the knowing isn't usually the problem.
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  The problem is we don't say it out loud.
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  We keep it in the thought loop where it can spin indefinitely
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  and never quite become real enough to work with.
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  So today, that's the stone. Name it out loud if you can, in
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  your car, in your kitchen, in your notes app.
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  I don't care where, wherever you are right now, just say the
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  thing. I do this.
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  I have been doing this and I see it.
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  Own it for yourself. Accountability.
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  That's it. Don't fix it today.
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  Don't analyze it to death or trace it back to your childhood
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  or make it mean something catastrophic about like who you
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  are. None of that is today's
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  assignment. Today's assignment is 1
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  sentence, the acknowledgement, because here is what I know for
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  certain, you cannot work with what you won't acknowledge.
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  The naming is just the beginning.
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  It's not the end, not the hard part, not the dramatic
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  breakthrough. It is the beginning.
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  And I know it's scary and I'm here with you.
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  The moment you say I see this in myself, you have just moved from
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  the passenger to the driver and everything that comes next is
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  you can navigate it from there. That's your stone for today.
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  Name the pattern. Everything else this week builds
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  from there. Thank you for joining me this
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  morning. I will be back Wednesday for the
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  next installment of this particular series and I will be
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  back Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday night at 9:00 PM for Light in
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  the Dark Sunday's Deep Dive. We're going even more into
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  relationships. The theme for this whole week
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  and pretty much all upcoming themes is going to be
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  surrounding relationships. If you have questions, ideas,
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  thoughts, comments about relationships, patterns you've
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  seen, leave them in the comments.
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  I will pull it into some of the conversations.
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  Thank you. Have a really incredible Monday.
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  I am not working because it's Monday and I don't work on
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  Monday, so have a lovely day.