Latest / Silver FM 100.6 / On the fence about parenthood? Listen to this

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On the fence about parenthood? Listen to this · Silver FM 100.6

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Speaker 2: You're listening to Life Kit from NPR. Hey, it's Mary
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Speaker 2: l You know. I feel lucky to live in a
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Speaker 2: time in which becoming a parent is increasingly a choice right,
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Speaker 2: not just the default setting for your life path or
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Speaker 2: the next natural step. It's a big deal to bring
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Speaker 2: another life into the world, and deciding if you want
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Speaker 2: to do that is a question that's bound to raise
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Speaker 2: a bunch more.
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Speaker 3: The baby decision is never just about baby or no baby.
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Speaker 3: It is who am I? Who is my partner? Who
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Speaker 3: are Where's a couple? So what hasn't happened yet that
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Speaker 3: we want to have happened before we die.
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Speaker 2: Merle Bombarderi is a clinical social worker, psychotherapist, and author
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Speaker 2: of a book called The Baby Decision. She's been coaching
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Speaker 2: people through this choice about whether to have a child
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Speaker 2: since she was twenty.
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Speaker 3: Nine, So it's almost fifty years I've been doing this
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Speaker 3: and I love doing it.
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Speaker 2: Merle started down this path after facing her own baby
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Speaker 2: decision when her then boyfriend proposed to her. She told
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Speaker 2: him to no at first, because she knew he absolutely
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Speaker 2: wanted kids and she was pretty sure she didn't.
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Speaker 3: And he just said, well, you know, you'll change your mind.
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Speaker 3: You know our love will continue at some point, You'll
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Speaker 3: just want to have a child. And I said to
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Speaker 3: we can't be sure of that.
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Speaker 2: So they talked about it over several months, what the
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Speaker 2: future could look like with a child and without one,
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Speaker 2: what they each wanted for themselves, and where they might
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Speaker 2: be able to compromise. And here's a pro tip.
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Speaker 3: A really really important thing am I being able to
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Speaker 3: make the decision is that I've found role models.
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Speaker 2: In her case, talk to the mothers coming in and
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Speaker 2: out of the university daycare center where she worked. Many
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Speaker 2: of them were faculty or grad students.
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Speaker 3: They said, life is really really busy right now. It's
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Speaker 3: really really hard these first few years, but we love
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Speaker 3: both we love both lives, and you know, we know
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Speaker 3: that parents is going to get easier. So yes, we
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Speaker 3: are feminists, and you know, very adamant to continue our careers,
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Speaker 3: and we're also mothers.
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Speaker 2: Merle has two daughters. Now that was her choice, Yours
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Speaker 2: might be different. She says, there's no right or wrong
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Speaker 2: as long as you make a choice intentionally, rather than
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Speaker 2: letting time or fate decide for you, because she's found
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Speaker 2: that's how regret and resentment can creep in.
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Speaker 3: I really believe that child free should be the default.
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Speaker 3: We should assume that everyone is going to be child
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Speaker 3: free unless they actively choose to have a child because
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Speaker 3: they value that they want to add a child to
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Speaker 3: their lives.
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Speaker 2: On this episode of life Kit, how to Decide whether
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Speaker 2: to become a parent parent Lifecare reporter Andy Tagle he's
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Speaker 2: going to talk to Merle about minimizing regret, about the
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Speaker 2: myth of the lonely only child, and about how to
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Speaker 2: deal when your partner wants something completely different from you.
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Speaker 4: So much of the handwringing about the baby decision, it
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Speaker 4: seems it comes down to regret, just plain and simple.
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Speaker 4: Is it possible, Merle not to have regrets, to be
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Speaker 4: totally certain about being a parent or being child free?
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Speaker 3: I would say no. The word decide comes to Latin
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Speaker 3: root meaning to cut away from So every decision involves loss.
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Speaker 3: You've decided to have a child, you're giving up all
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Speaker 3: the control and the freedom and the excitement and the
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Speaker 3: ability to have a really undeluded relationship with your partner
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Speaker 3: if you're in a relationship, and so on. If you
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Speaker 3: decide to be a child free, you're giving up experiencing
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Speaker 3: a baby, maybe seeing what the genes and the appearance
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Speaker 3: and the talents of you and your partner will be,
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Speaker 3: Like who's going to be around your table when you're sixty.
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Speaker 3: So what I say is, don't ask will I regret
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Speaker 3: my decision? Ask which decision will I regret least? And
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Speaker 3: what makes this decision work so hard? Is it because
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Speaker 3: people are trying to make the decision and they want
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Speaker 3: to make the right decision, and they're terrified they won't.
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Speaker 3: They have a very unrealistic picture of having to spend
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Speaker 3: the rest of their life. You know, regret might be,
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Speaker 3: you know, a little twinge, a little awareness here and there,
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Speaker 3: But once they start enjoying and living their life, they're
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Speaker 3: not going to be thinking about regrets all the time.
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Speaker 3: And when there are twinges that can say, well, you
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Speaker 3: know that's normal, that's human, and we made a good choice,
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Speaker 3: and we're enjoying our lives. So but when people think
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Speaker 3: they have to make the perfect choice, they really pay
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Speaker 3: themselves into a corner.
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Speaker 4: You're holding back without knowing it because of that daycare
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Speaker 4: that you might need to be saving for, because of
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Speaker 4: XYZ exactly.
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Speaker 3: And when people make decisions actively, they feel in control,
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Speaker 3: they feel like they made a wise choice together, so
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Speaker 3: when the problems come up, they put them in that context.
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Speaker 3: Whereas people who have an accidental pregnancy or just a
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Speaker 3: drift into being child free never really have a finite decision,
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Speaker 3: and that energy of not making the decision is actually exhausting.
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Speaker 3: So the conscious decision allows people to know what they're doing,
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Speaker 3: why they're doing it, and make the most of whichever
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Speaker 3: life they choose.
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Speaker 4: Take away one either side of this decision is going
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Speaker 4: to come with regrets, at least now and then. So
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Speaker 4: there's no perfect choice. There's just the right choice for you.
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Speaker 4: I said, I did ask Merle if there was any
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Speaker 4: way to have both worlds, and to my surprise, she
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Speaker 4: said yes, Actually, in a way, there is the answer.
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Speaker 4: If it makes sense, wait to have a baby until
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Speaker 4: you're thirty eight.
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Speaker 3: Thirty eight is great, I have to caution because if
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Speaker 3: you have reasons to expect fertility problems and you're thirty,
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Speaker 3: I would not suggest you wait until you're thirty eight
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Speaker 3: or you're thirty nine. But actually a lot of the
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Speaker 3: people that we work with start having a child at
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Speaker 3: thirty eight or thirty nine. You were eighteen when you
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Speaker 3: first became an adult. You've had twenty years to travel,
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Speaker 3: get established in your career, get to know your partner,
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Speaker 3: your desires, your commitments, what you care about, and so on,
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Speaker 3: and you are much more ready to be a parent.
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Speaker 3: You're able to have a smaller world that feels big
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Speaker 3: inside because you love your child, for instance. So people
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Speaker 3: who do have a child around thirty eight have a
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Speaker 3: way in which they have both lives.
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Speaker 5: Now.
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Speaker 4: If that magic number doesn't feel like the answer, take
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Speaker 4: way two.
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Speaker 5: Is it's okay to feel stuck.
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Speaker 4: Yes, there are some people out there who always knew
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Speaker 4: they wanted to be a daddy, or that they never
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Speaker 4: ever wanted to go through pregnancy. But morel says many
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Speaker 4: many others are just right in the middle, or maybe
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Speaker 4: leaning slightly in one direction, say sixty forty. And if
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Speaker 4: that's your split, she says, that's a good start, because.
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Speaker 5: That's the beginning of a decision.
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Speaker 4: And in her experience, she's found that eighty twenty is
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Speaker 4: about as solid as it gets for a lot of people.
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Speaker 4: Just something to keep in mind as you move forward.
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Speaker 4: Let's talk about a few ways to get a little
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Speaker 4: closer to the decision that you will regret the least.
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Speaker 4: I know, there's a lot of a lot of great
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Speaker 4: exercises that you offer people. I wonder if you have
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Speaker 4: a favorite one that you like to start with.
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Speaker 3: One that I like to start with is the chair dialogue.
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Speaker 3: I mean, you don't do it with your partner, you
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Speaker 3: don't do with an audience. You put two chairs facing
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Speaker 3: each other, and you sit in one chair and say,
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Speaker 3: of course, I'm going to have a baby. I've longed
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Speaker 3: for this, you know, all my life, and I want
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Speaker 3: my parents to have grandchildren, and it's going to be fun,
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Speaker 3: it's going to be great. And then go sit in
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Speaker 3: the other chair and say I'm terrified of pregnancy, I
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Speaker 3: don't like children, and let those two voices argue it out.
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Speaker 3: And I really emphasize you're not making a list of
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Speaker 3: pros and cons. You're trying to listen to the body language.
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Speaker 3: Is you sit in one chair, you feel more alert,
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Speaker 3: you feel more animated. One side is angry, one side
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Speaker 3: is pleading, and so you get a lot of information
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Speaker 3: and people usually just know when the energy has changed.
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Speaker 3: And what I love about this is so many people
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Speaker 3: who will just be so surprised. They'll say, I thought
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Speaker 3: I really was fifty to fifty, and my child voice
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Speaker 3: is so much stronger than I thought, or my child
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Speaker 3: free voice is so much stronger. Because I thought having
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Speaker 3: kids is what people do, and because my partner and
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Speaker 3: my parents wanted it, of course I was going to
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Speaker 3: have a child. And until I heard this voice, I
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Speaker 3: didn't realize that maybe my truest self and my happiest
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Speaker 3: self would be a child free person.
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Speaker 4: Since it can get you clear on your own values
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Speaker 4: about the two sides, and that's why you want to
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Speaker 4: do it by yourself, and then you can bring those
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Speaker 4: values to a conversation with a partner if you.
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Speaker 3: Have one, yes, exactly.
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Speaker 4: The next one I had here is the knapsack exercise.
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Speaker 3: So you imagine you have a very very large knapsack
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Speaker 3: on your back, and you're going on a hype that
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Speaker 3: you're really enjoying, and all of a sudden, your baby
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Speaker 3: is there, and your baby kicks a hole in the
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Speaker 3: knapsack and everything starts to fall out. What's falling out?
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Speaker 3: And you can think of that symbolically. It could be
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Speaker 3: a tennis racket, you know. It could be a typewriter
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Speaker 3: if you're a writer. It could be a lab beaker
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Speaker 3: if you're a biochemist. It can be imagining being able
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Speaker 3: to wake up late on Sunday morning with your partner
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Speaker 3: and not having to talk to anyone or do anything.
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Speaker 3: So looking thinking about what's falling out, one question is
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Speaker 3: how do you feel about that? And it could be
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Speaker 3: that's horrible. I would never do that. I'm going to
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Speaker 3: be child free. But for people who choose to be parents,
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Speaker 3: it's really a great invitation to creative thinking, well, what
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Speaker 3: if we had a child, how would I play tennis?
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Speaker 3: How would I write my novel? How can we have
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Speaker 3: great couple time? Etc. So very very rich things come
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Speaker 3: out of that.
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Speaker 4: That visual is just so striking, just kicking it out
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Speaker 4: and letting everything spill out. Okay, and then the final
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Speaker 4: one Swedish family Hotel.
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Speaker 3: The idea of Swedish Family Hotel is some parents in
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Speaker 3: Europe have wonderful opportunities to raise their kids without doing
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Speaker 3: it all alone. They might live in a community where
10:28
Speaker 3: their child can walk to school, where the daycare center
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Speaker 3: is next door, where they have their separate family apartments,
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Speaker 3: but there's a big common room where people share meals,
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Speaker 3: and there's a lot of parental leave, and so in
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Speaker 3: this kind of setup, you're not driving kids ten miles
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Speaker 3: to get to daycare. So whatever direction we can go
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Speaker 3: in for us all to raise kids together will make
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Speaker 3: it a lot easier.
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Speaker 4: All right, this sounds wonderful and that leads pretty far
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Speaker 4: away from the lee of how most parents live here
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Speaker 4: in the US. Is the idea of this exercise to
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Speaker 4: you know, be more aware of what it means to
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Speaker 4: be a parent and like think about what kind of
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Speaker 4: support they'd actually need to raise a family.
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Speaker 3: Well, well, you know, you read about how it's set up,
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Speaker 3: and if you are one hundred percent child free, you
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Speaker 3: would say even with that, I would still not want
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Speaker 3: to have a child, and that that exercise really helps
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Speaker 3: me realize I don't want to be a parent, whereas
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Speaker 3: other people will say, wow, if I could do this,
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Speaker 3: I would definitely have a child, maybe two children, And
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Speaker 3: so it raises their awareness. Maybe they really have decided
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Speaker 3: to be a parent, but they need to decide is
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Speaker 3: parent possible for me and for us with these circumstances.
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Speaker 4: So take a pause, take a little time, maybe you
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Speaker 4: about a few chairs and see what comes to the surface.
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Speaker 4: You might surprise yourself. Then when we come back from
11:56
Speaker 4: the break or all, we will talk about some of
11:58
Speaker 4: the common fears that hold people back from that. You
12:00
Speaker 4: need to have kids or be child free. You're listening
12:16
Speaker 4: to Life Kid, and it's time for takeaway three. For
12:19
Speaker 4: better or worse, The future holds no guarantees. Only you
12:23
Speaker 4: can decide how much fear of discomfort or uncertainty you
12:26
Speaker 4: can handle with the information you have to work with.
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Speaker 4: A big one for a lot of people, for example,
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Speaker 4: is climate change or you know, the general state of
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Speaker 4: the world and the planet. Merle says, even for her,
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Speaker 4: this one is difficult.
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Speaker 3: I'm scared too, you know. I'm used to being the
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Speaker 3: professional who can sort of help people deal with their emotions.
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Speaker 3: I can give them the intellectual framework, etc. But I
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Speaker 3: don't know what our world is going to be like,
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Speaker 3: you know, in twenty years or thirty years or two
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Speaker 3: hundred years. Is very confusing.
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Speaker 4: And the thing is with any worry, say the pain
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Speaker 4: of childbirth or the year of loneliness in old age.
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Speaker 4: If you're leaning child free because you can't know for
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Speaker 4: certain how things will shake out. It really all comes
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Speaker 4: down to perspective. Like with the environment, Merle says she's
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Speaker 4: had a client who say, I just can't bring a
13:15
Speaker 4: child into this world.
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Speaker 5: But on the other.
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Speaker 4: Side of the coin, she sided this perspective from a
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Speaker 4: book called The Beginning Comes after the End, and the
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Speaker 4: idea is just that there are so many different kinds
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Speaker 4: of people around the world that are energized about wanting
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Speaker 4: to make change right now that it's bound to happen.
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Speaker 3: Some people decide to be child free, saying I'm going
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Speaker 3: to use my time that I would be putting into
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Speaker 3: children to really work on environmental change. Parents, you might think, oh,
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Speaker 3: if they could decide to have a child, they're just
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Speaker 3: going to put their head in the sand. But no,
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Speaker 3: it's how do we raise our children so that they
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Speaker 3: appreciate the planet and help solve the problem.
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Speaker 4: Another example, Merle says, with the advent of TikTok, she's
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Speaker 4: found our current generation is more terrified of childbirth than
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Speaker 4: ever before. Now, if you look at maternal mortality rates
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Speaker 4: or recent research on early prenatal care. Maybe that's enough
14:09
Speaker 4: to ease your worry. Maybe finding some relaxation techniques and
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Speaker 4: a birthing team you really like could help even more.
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Speaker 4: But maybe not, And there's nothing wrong with that.
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Speaker 3: We would never encourage anyone who is terrified of that
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Speaker 3: to push themselves over the edge and say yes to parenthood,
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Speaker 3: and they deserve our respect. You know, we shouldn't say, oh,
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Speaker 3: your cowards because you didn't go ahead. Everybody's needs and
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Speaker 3: feelings are different and they have a right to say
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Speaker 3: no to parenthood, even if in many ways I'd like
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Speaker 3: to be a parent. They can make their own choice
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Speaker 3: and we need to respect that.
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Speaker 4: And on the other side, you never know what your
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Speaker 4: child will go through. You never know what your child
14:49
Speaker 4: will be like, You never know the disposition of your child.
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Speaker 4: You never know the ailments your child will have or
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Speaker 4: the hardships they'll go through.
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Speaker 3: Thoughts on that, well, what I hear when I'm listening
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Speaker 3: to our own clients is we want to be parents
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Speaker 3: enough that even though we hope this doesn't happen, we
15:09
Speaker 3: still think it would be worth it. Not everybody decides that,
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Speaker 3: but a lot of people do. One example I'll give
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Speaker 3: is people who have grown up with a sibling who
15:21
Speaker 3: was very sick or had a disability, where a lot
15:25
Speaker 3: of the family resources, the parents' attention, time, money went
15:29
Speaker 3: into the other child. For understandable reasons, they are more
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Speaker 3: terrified of having a child that might be very difficult
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Speaker 3: to raise, in a child that might suffer, So for
15:40
Speaker 3: them to make the decision to have a child is
15:42
Speaker 3: much much more difficult, And so for people who are
15:45
Speaker 3: ambivalent about that, sometimes the best thing to do is
15:48
Speaker 3: to decide not to have a child.
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Speaker 4: Take away for the baby decision might not be as
15:55
Speaker 4: black and white, all or nothing as you think it is.
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Speaker 4: So if you have a partner who seems to be
16:00
Speaker 4: on the opposite side of the spectrum, don't panic, challenge
16:04
Speaker 4: your assumptions, get creative. Look for the middle ground. Yes
16:09
Speaker 4: there is middle ground here. For example, maybe you would
16:13
Speaker 4: really love a family, but you're really worried about your finances.
16:18
Speaker 4: Have you considered having just one child? I mean, the
16:22
Speaker 4: question is usually so you're gonna have kids, The plural
16:25
Speaker 4: is assumed, right, the first one's got to have a
16:28
Speaker 4: buddy or else.
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Speaker 5: But why do you feel that way? Exactly?
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Speaker 3: So there's the myth of the lonely only child, but
16:35
Speaker 3: actually only children are voted most popular in their class.
16:39
Speaker 3: They're very manly, healthy, they get along really well with
16:42
Speaker 3: other people, and they often enjoy as their parents do
16:47
Speaker 3: a more undiluted relationship, especially if people have either parent
16:51
Speaker 3: has an illness, or if they have ADHD or another
16:56
Speaker 3: cognitive nerd of diversion disorder. They may manage to have
17:00
Speaker 3: one child and have it work that they're enjoying the child,
17:03
Speaker 3: the child's enjoying life, they're doing their work, they have
17:06
Speaker 3: the relationship, but if they add another child to the pile,
17:09
Speaker 3: it is just going to be impossible. And a lot
17:12
Speaker 3: of times people are pressured, oh, your child needs a sibling.
17:15
Speaker 3: Absolutely not true. So I believe that the one child
17:18
Speaker 3: family is an excellent solution for many couples and also
17:23
Speaker 3: single people who want the pleasure of a child but
17:27
Speaker 3: don't want to be overwhelmed by the obligation for many children.
17:31
Speaker 4: Another big part of this is when two people want
17:34
Speaker 4: different things, very often the assumption is this is a
17:37
Speaker 4: zero sum game. Right either yes we're doing this, no
17:40
Speaker 4: we're not. And if we can't decide, we have to
17:42
Speaker 4: break up. Can we talk a little bit about what
17:45
Speaker 4: that process is. If that's true or not.
17:47
Speaker 3: Well, some people do break up and that can be
17:49
Speaker 3: the answer. So if you think of the decision as
17:53
Speaker 3: being a scale from zero to ten on eleven point scale,
17:57
Speaker 3: and if you absolutely know that you would never have child,
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Speaker 3: you would be the zero. This is no criticism of
18:03
Speaker 3: child free. It's because you want zero children. And if
18:06
Speaker 3: ten is I was put on the earth to have
18:08
Speaker 3: a child and I will have to divorce my partner
18:10
Speaker 3: if they say no. Most people are somewhere in between.
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Speaker 3: So a lot of times people actually can find a
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Speaker 3: solution that will work for both of them. And again
18:19
Speaker 3: we're looking at myths. So sometimes people have very unrealistic
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Speaker 3: ideas about how lonely being child free would be or
18:30
Speaker 3: how hard parenting is going to be, and when they
18:32
Speaker 3: get more information, they're actually able to say, well, maybe
18:35
Speaker 3: this could work. And so what's really important is that
18:38
Speaker 3: the couple listen to each other. They describe what they
18:42
Speaker 3: are envisioning of the life, why they think their partner
18:45
Speaker 3: would enjoy it, and they really listen to their partner's desire.
18:50
Speaker 3: And when they do that and they get more information
18:53
Speaker 3: about good things about child free good things about parent
18:56
Speaker 3: them that they didn't know. Sometimes they're able to come
19:00
Speaker 3: to the center. So if one person wants to be
19:02
Speaker 3: child free and they are are four, and the other
19:05
Speaker 3: person wants a child but they're an eight, they have
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Speaker 3: a capacity and listening to each other and figuring out
19:11
Speaker 3: what would be the best life for them as a
19:12
Speaker 3: couple to decide to be child free or to have
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Speaker 3: a child.
19:16
Speaker 4: Let's get more specific about that. So for example, that
19:18
Speaker 4: four in eight scenario, maybe that four person who's child
19:21
Speaker 4: free says, I'm leaning towards child free because i want
19:24
Speaker 4: to travel some more. You know, I've never seen Spain,
19:26
Speaker 4: I've never seen Asia. And the person says, I've always
19:30
Speaker 4: seen myself as a mother. What could a compromise look
19:32
Speaker 4: like there?
19:33
Speaker 3: Okay, Well, one thing I may discussed is, okay, name
19:36
Speaker 3: some countries you want to go to. Let's talk about
19:39
Speaker 3: how we could go to them and start a family
19:42
Speaker 3: in three years. Another compromise is I want three kids,
19:47
Speaker 3: you want zero. If we really talk about this, could
19:50
Speaker 3: you imagine that one child might work. There are a
19:54
Speaker 3: lot of people who are ambivalent. They're aware of what
19:56
Speaker 3: they're giving up by even winning their choice, and of
20:00
Speaker 3: things that they would enjoy with their partner's choice. The
20:03
Speaker 3: one thing that I feel very strongly about is if
20:06
Speaker 3: someone is certain that they want to be child free,
20:09
Speaker 3: they should never have a child to please their partner.
20:12
Speaker 3: That just does not work out, whether it's going to
20:15
Speaker 3: be divorce or an unhappy family, it is just too
20:18
Speaker 3: much of a struggle.
20:20
Speaker 4: If you're a zero on that scale, and you know
20:23
Speaker 4: it for sure, you should never agree to have a
20:26
Speaker 4: child to please your partner.
20:27
Speaker 3: Exactly. A lot of times people will decide I love
20:31
Speaker 3: my partner, I do not want to give my partner up,
20:33
Speaker 3: even though I would prefer the other life. I see
20:37
Speaker 3: enough attractions to their life that I'm going to say yes.
20:41
Speaker 3: And one thing that's really important if you are going
20:43
Speaker 3: to agree to your partner's choice is you need to
20:46
Speaker 3: know that they have bent over backwards to figure out
20:50
Speaker 3: a way that it could work, like saying, you know,
20:52
Speaker 3: more years of travel, or you know, I really need
20:55
Speaker 3: my you know once a year of my college roommates
20:57
Speaker 3: going off for a week to backpack or whatever, and
21:02
Speaker 3: asking what could I do to make this choice more
21:05
Speaker 3: attractive to you? And that can be very useful too.
21:09
Speaker 5: I like that a lot.
21:10
Speaker 4: What about those couples that made an agreement when they
21:12
Speaker 4: first got together. You know, you said that you never
21:15
Speaker 4: wanted kids, You said that you always wanted to be
21:17
Speaker 4: a mother.
21:18
Speaker 3: Let's say you've been married for twenty years. You know
21:20
Speaker 3: you're forty, and it was twenty when you said, of
21:23
Speaker 3: course I'll be a parent, or of course i'll be
21:25
Speaker 3: a child free. People change, People have a right to
21:28
Speaker 3: change their minds, and one can feel very betrayed, and
21:33
Speaker 3: one can understand the betrayal. But a part of life
21:38
Speaker 3: and a part of all the people you love, not
21:40
Speaker 3: just your partner, is understanding that they like you, can
21:44
Speaker 3: have new needs, new desires, new things they want to
21:47
Speaker 3: try or experience, and that what made perfect sense to
21:50
Speaker 3: them at twenty is different now.
21:55
Speaker 5: Last up, take Away five.
21:57
Speaker 4: You are allowed to change your mind and, if necessary,
22:02
Speaker 4: your path in life.
22:04
Speaker 5: That might look like seeking.
22:05
Speaker 4: A new relationship with a partner who shares your desire
22:09
Speaker 4: for a child free lifestyle, or maybe becoming a parent
22:13
Speaker 4: without a partner. Any advice for someone who is single
22:17
Speaker 4: who's still on the fence about having kids. What kind
22:20
Speaker 4: of questions should someone who's looking to be a single
22:22
Speaker 4: parent by choice consider?
22:25
Speaker 3: An important thing is having a support system. You don't
22:29
Speaker 3: want to do it all on your own. You know
22:30
Speaker 3: who do you call the middle of or not? If
22:31
Speaker 3: you're trying to decide whether to go to the hospital.
22:34
Speaker 3: You know who's going to be patting your tummy when
22:36
Speaker 3: you're eight months pregnant. And one thing that's really interesting
22:41
Speaker 3: about single mothers by choice is we have a stereotype
22:44
Speaker 3: that single mothers are miserable. But if you have a
22:47
Speaker 3: happy life as an individual and you actively choose to
22:50
Speaker 3: add a baby to your life again, you make an
22:52
Speaker 3: active decision, you're in control and it can be quite wonderful.
22:56
Speaker 3: Another thing that's really interesting about single motherhood is that
22:59
Speaker 3: when you're a single mother or a single father, everybody
23:02
Speaker 3: knows you need help. They know you can't do it all,
23:05
Speaker 3: so they'll offer to drive you to the grocery store
23:08
Speaker 3: or stay with your child while you do something else.
23:10
Speaker 3: They know to reach out to you. So there's a
23:13
Speaker 3: lot of great things happening with single people becoming parents.
23:18
Speaker 4: H Mar, It's been such a pleasure. Do you have
23:21
Speaker 4: any last advice final thoughts for anyone out there who's
23:24
Speaker 4: sitting on the fence in the need of encouragement, Well,
23:26
Speaker 4: I think.
23:27
Speaker 3: One thing that's really important is that you're right to
23:29
Speaker 3: not know. A lot of times when people start working
23:32
Speaker 3: on this, they're saying, what's the matter with me or
23:35
Speaker 3: with my partner that we don't know? It's actually healthy
23:39
Speaker 3: to not know because it gives you the chance to
23:42
Speaker 3: figure out what you really want. And if you think
23:45
Speaker 3: about curiosity, like you know, if you read a mystery
23:48
Speaker 3: and you've found out who done it in the first chapter,
23:51
Speaker 3: you would want to read the rest of the book
23:53
Speaker 3: or think about going to a play and the curtain
23:56
Speaker 3: hasn't opened yet, and that anticipation and curiosity what's going
23:59
Speaker 3: to happen? So a lot of interesting things can happen
24:02
Speaker 3: on the way to finding out that are really wonderful
24:05
Speaker 3: for your personal growth if you're in your relationship, also
24:08
Speaker 3: for couple growth, and even if you're single, the conversations
24:11
Speaker 3: you have with partners or family members and close friends
24:16
Speaker 3: and so on can be really really rich and wonderful.
24:20
Speaker 4: Merle, thank you so much for your time.
24:21
Speaker 3: You're very welcome, such an honor to be here. I'm
24:23
Speaker 3: so glad we were able to have this conversation.
24:30
Speaker 4: All right, let's recap take away one either side of
24:34
Speaker 4: This decision is going to come with regrets. There's no
24:37
Speaker 4: perfect choice. There's just the right choice for you. But
24:41
Speaker 4: if you want the best of both worlds, remember thirty
24:44
Speaker 4: eight is great.
24:46
Speaker 5: Take Away two.
24:48
Speaker 4: It's very normal to feel stuck about this decision. Merle
24:52
Speaker 4: says a lot of people she works with will only
24:55
Speaker 4: ever get to about eighty percent certainty about their choice.
24:59
Speaker 4: Take Away three. Are you terrified at losing your identity?
25:03
Speaker 4: Worried about growing old without a full family dinner table?
25:07
Speaker 4: Worries are a natural part of the decision process, But
25:10
Speaker 4: remember there are no guarantees, So seek out data, fine
25:14
Speaker 4: role models to help you make an unformed decision. Take
25:17
Speaker 4: Away four, Yes, you can compromise. If one person in
25:21
Speaker 4: a relationship is leaning towards parenthood and the other is
25:24
Speaker 4: leaning towards child free, talk about it and keep talking
25:27
Speaker 4: about it to see where you might meet in the
25:29
Speaker 4: middle instead of jumping right to breaking up.
25:32
Speaker 5: Take Away five.
25:34
Speaker 4: You're allowed to change your mind and your.
25:36
Speaker 5: Path when necessary.
25:38
Speaker 4: Raise a little one on your own, be child free
25:40
Speaker 4: with a spouse, make the choice that is right for
25:43
Speaker 4: you and only you.
25:47
Speaker 2: That was Reporter Andy Tagle, and that's our show. Hey,
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Speaker 2: life Kit. This episode of Life Kit was produced by
26:10
Speaker 2: Margaret Serino. Our digital editor is Malika Gharib, and our
26:13
Speaker 2: visuals editor is c. J. Rikolon. Megan Kaine is our
26:16
Speaker 2: senior supervising editor, and Beth Donovan is our executive producer.
26:20
Speaker 2: Our production team also includes Claire Marie Schneider and Sylvia Douglas.
26:24
Speaker 2: Engineering support comes from Niche Highness. I'm Mariel Sagarra. Thanks
26:29
Speaker 2: for listening.