Latest / Dear Son, / You Are Not Your Mistakes | Live Event | Ep 173

Transcript

You Are Not Your Mistakes | Live Event | Ep 173 · Dear Son,

0:00
[SPEAKER_08]: For those who haven't been to a show or saw our show, we don't, it's unscripted, non-rehearsed.
0:08
[SPEAKER_08]: We have no idea what the conversation for the episode is gonna be and then true fashion is the same today.
0:15
[SPEAKER_08]: Is Dee John's turn to drive, which means he's gonna lead the conversation.
0:20
[SPEAKER_08]: So I literally have no idea what the topic is, but we'll know in a minute.
0:25
[SPEAKER_05]: Okay, too.
0:26
[SPEAKER_08]: Get to it, get ready.
0:29
[SPEAKER_05]: Welcome to the DS Unshow.
0:30
[SPEAKER_05]: We are meaningful conversations about life through the lens of Fatherhood.
0:34
[SPEAKER_05]: It's four fathers, those with fathers and the father lesson nobody's left out.
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[SPEAKER_05]: These are the conversations we want our sons, the access, is they grow through life in the manhood.
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[SPEAKER_05]: So no topics are off limits.
0:45
[SPEAKER_05]: I'm just one of your host, D. Jones.
0:46
[SPEAKER_08]: I'm your host, J.
0:47
[SPEAKER_08]: Black.
0:47
[SPEAKER_08]: J.
0:47
[SPEAKER_08]: Black, how are you feeling?
0:49
[SPEAKER_08]: We live.
0:50
[SPEAKER_08]: We live.
0:50
[SPEAKER_08]: We live.
0:51
[SPEAKER_08]: I'll make some noise.
0:51
[SPEAKER_08]: Let the people know we live, please.
0:54
[SPEAKER_08]: Yeah.
0:54
[SPEAKER_08]: We live.
0:55
[SPEAKER_08]: We live.
0:55
[SPEAKER_08]: Are you feeling brother with your nose?
0:56
[SPEAKER_05]: I feel good, man.
0:58
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
0:59
[SPEAKER_05]: Polo.
1:00
[SPEAKER_05]: I forgot to take polo in the party crashes.
1:04
[SPEAKER_05]: Just turn the stage out.
1:05
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
1:30
[SPEAKER_05]: There's I see y'all, and then there's come see us.
1:34
[SPEAKER_08]: Yeah, cause they say sometime when Black people tell you, I'm praying for you that was the prayer.
1:37
[SPEAKER_05]: That was...
1:40
[SPEAKER_05]: That was a friend, man, and on that note, God is great, man.
1:45
[SPEAKER_05]: I can't complain about too much, man.
1:48
[SPEAKER_08]: You excited?
1:49
[SPEAKER_08]: I'm excited, man, you know I'm always, I'm always, I try to keep from doing the old man rule my legs, but I can't help it.
1:55
[SPEAKER_08]: I'm excited, man.
1:56
[SPEAKER_08]: We can get to work.
1:56
[SPEAKER_05]: Let's go.
1:57
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, too.
1:58
[SPEAKER_05]: For the watch and the listening audience, we challenge the audience that is live to be live and interactive, so we'll give you all a lot of great as we get through it.
2:09
[SPEAKER_05]: Jake Blake doesn't know the topic and like he just explained but for those on camera, you know, we don't discuss these things.
2:15
[SPEAKER_05]: So I have the honor and the privilege of putting this in front of him in front of y'all at the same time.
2:22
[SPEAKER_05]: But the topic tonight is this son, you will always be shackled to your past.
2:37
[SPEAKER_08]: The way that hits me, you may as well focus on the road ahead, because the past is always going to be there anyway.
2:48
[SPEAKER_08]: I can't go where I'm going, if I'm driving, if I have to say life is a car or vehicle and I'm driving along this road of life, if I'm staring in the rear view mirror,
3:00
[SPEAKER_08]: me looking at it and not going to change what I passed.
3:02
[SPEAKER_08]: If I pass the gas station and I need to gas and I happen to keep going, it don't change the fact that it's behind me.
3:08
[SPEAKER_08]: It's always going to be behind me anyway.
3:10
[SPEAKER_08]: However, whatever is in front of me, I don't know that it's coming.
3:13
[SPEAKER_08]: I don't know what to expect.
3:15
[SPEAKER_08]: So I need to keep my eyes ahead of me and focus.
3:19
[SPEAKER_08]: What you got?
3:19
[SPEAKER_05]: So it's a couple of different, different paths that it took me when it hit my
3:30
[SPEAKER_05]: Part of it is, like, what, what, what from my past and my loudness shape, how I show up today, right?
3:38
[SPEAKER_05]: I've probably belabored the story of how I arrived in the space.
3:42
[SPEAKER_05]: I was in corporate, excellent in corporate, in corporate said, we good on you, right?
3:48
[SPEAKER_05]: No.
3:49
[SPEAKER_05]: And I looked up and that was my identity.
3:52
[SPEAKER_05]: All those years, I was a thing that I could point to realizing that I wasn't
3:56
[SPEAKER_05]: I wasn't necessarily showing up like I was posing the house.
4:01
[SPEAKER_05]: So sometimes, it's a wait man.
4:06
[SPEAKER_05]: It's a constant assessment of what did my past do to my home?
4:14
[SPEAKER_07]: Yeah.
4:15
[SPEAKER_05]: What is my present doing to undo what the past did to my home?
4:27
[SPEAKER_05]: I know that that was a phase where I made other things more important to get other things more attention than my household.
4:36
[SPEAKER_05]: So now my kids are today, 22, 2018, 12 and 11.
4:42
[SPEAKER_05]: And I'm seeing the results of where some things we were spot on and where some things we weren't necessarily on point.
4:54
[SPEAKER_05]: how they see me, now that they're don'ts.
4:58
[SPEAKER_05]: Are they holding my pants front of mine?
5:02
[SPEAKER_05]: Not even holding me hostage by it, but those are the things.
5:06
[SPEAKER_08]: Foundationally prior to that though.
5:08
[SPEAKER_08]: Let's look at if I stay in the spirit of, I'm always saying to my parents, right?
5:15
[SPEAKER_08]: It's two ways.
5:15
[SPEAKER_08]: It's one or two ways I can use this though.
5:18
[SPEAKER_08]: Let's say for instance, stick with the example you gave, the relationship, the marriage, me as a father.
5:25
[SPEAKER_08]: So if I'm chained to my parents, let's say there are certain mistakes I made.
5:29
[SPEAKER_08]: Yeah.
5:29
[SPEAKER_08]: I can either use that as an excuse to continue to make those same mistakes.
5:35
[SPEAKER_08]: I was like this when you met me.
5:37
[SPEAKER_08]: However, the flip side of the cone, the ideal usage of that same information though.
5:45
[SPEAKER_08]: It's chained to me, but I'm a user that has a motivating force though.
5:49
[SPEAKER_08]: I don't want that to be my existence anymore.
5:52
[SPEAKER_08]: If I'm trying to actively change my outcome or my interaction or my relationship even.
5:57
[SPEAKER_08]: Let's say, for instance, my past was I had an absentee father, right?
6:03
[SPEAKER_08]: Oh, my father was absent because he was working.
6:05
[SPEAKER_08]: A lot of people here asked him to be absent father and they automatically think he abandoned the family.
6:11
[SPEAKER_08]: Where, and this could be argued too, as I even said it out loud.
6:15
[SPEAKER_08]: Let's say it's a very work oriented day.
6:18
[SPEAKER_08]: I travel.
6:18
[SPEAKER_08]: He travels a lot.
6:19
[SPEAKER_08]: He leaves on Sunday night.
6:21
[SPEAKER_08]: He don't return till Friday night.
6:24
[SPEAKER_08]: In the mind or in the life of the family or the household, it's argued that a wife and that situation would say she's a single mom, because she running the whole house all week.
6:36
[SPEAKER_08]: So now if you saw that as a child and then you grow up and that's chained to you, you're gonna do one or two things.
6:42
[SPEAKER_08]: This is what I know fatherhood to be.
6:44
[SPEAKER_08]: This is what I know to be a provider.
6:46
[SPEAKER_08]: I have to be gone.
6:47
[SPEAKER_08]: I got to be the road if I'm not gone and trying to maximize every waking moment
6:54
[SPEAKER_08]: then I'm gonna feel you as a dad as a father as a husband or I hate how that felt for my dad to be going like that.
7:01
[SPEAKER_08]: I'm gonna do the exact opposite.
7:02
[SPEAKER_08]: I'm gonna find a way to be here seven days a week and try to find a way to be a provider with that as well.
7:08
[SPEAKER_08]: Which of those would resonate with you though?
7:10
[SPEAKER_08]: Which is there one more important than the other in your opinion?
7:14
[SPEAKER_08]: Obviously there's a right answer publicly, but what's the real answer to it?
7:18
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, I mean,
7:20
[SPEAKER_05]: becoming more of a becoming very different than your parents.
7:24
[SPEAKER_05]: Like I get that in a lot of aspects, so it can't, it can't motivate.
7:29
[SPEAKER_05]: I agree that it can be a good source motivation, it's not necessarily my source motivation.
7:35
[SPEAKER_05]: But what I'm really trying to focus on so that that's an example of which your environment did to you.
7:40
[SPEAKER_07]: Okay.
7:41
[SPEAKER_05]: I'm I'm looking at me creating the environment me having control the having a a say to create the order or disorder in the environment and and what those things have done, right?
7:55
[SPEAKER_05]: And again, it's not that you can't become, you can't overcome your past.
7:59
[SPEAKER_05]: But sometimes I find myself going
8:07
[SPEAKER_05]: of debt, right?
8:08
[SPEAKER_05]: It's one thing to admit that you made these mistakes and have a conversation and the be a apologetic and really mean it.
8:15
[SPEAKER_05]: But what is the actual duty to those that you love?
8:19
[SPEAKER_05]: I'm not saying that so, it's to the public.
8:20
[SPEAKER_05]: Somebody can argue that, but to those that you love, what is the duty related to showing that change?
8:29
[SPEAKER_05]: Like, what does it look like?
8:30
[SPEAKER_05]: Is it ever done?
8:31
[SPEAKER_05]: Like, how much of that informs how you go every day, right?
8:38
[SPEAKER_05]: Like, those are the moments that I've been having lately
8:43
[SPEAKER_05]: especially seeing the older children be a way and the younger set be a way I can see what the gaps are right platform is this on seeing the moments that that I miss with my older son that I'm catching with my younger son and now my older son is coming into his own right so I can't necessarily be upset about the things that he is displaying if I've contributed or my lack of engagement has led to
9:12
[SPEAKER_05]: No, it's kind of, you know what I'm saying?
9:14
[SPEAKER_08]: I do, I do, and as you say that, again, that triggers a thought in me, a feeling and an emotion if you will.
9:23
[SPEAKER_08]: I have an older set of, of chills and I have a younger set, right?
9:27
[SPEAKER_08]: This is gonna be a comment, but a question is will.
9:30
[SPEAKER_08]: Do you have, or have you ever felt, or witnessed yourself experiencing remorse?
9:36
[SPEAKER_08]: And what I mean by that is, I was a certain way.
9:38
[SPEAKER_08]: I was a certain parent with my first, or my older children, let's say that.
9:43
[SPEAKER_08]: My older children, I was a certain parent.
9:45
[SPEAKER_08]: I'm trying to figure it out.
9:46
[SPEAKER_08]: I'm trying to learn as I go.
9:48
[SPEAKER_08]: This is what I know to be because it may be perhaps.
9:51
[SPEAKER_08]: I'm doing what I saw done to me.
9:53
[SPEAKER_08]: It could be wrong.
9:55
[SPEAKER_08]: It could be outdated and antiquated if you will, but this is what I know to do, maybe I wasn't as active, maybe I wasn't as prison, but then circle around, now I have a seven year old and I have a 10 year old, I'm super dead.
10:13
[SPEAKER_08]: Is there a remorse?
10:14
[SPEAKER_08]: Is there a guilt that you're perhaps by your own definition, a better day at a better parent to these younger children than you were to the older children.
10:24
[SPEAKER_08]: Now to yourself, you'll justify by saying, listen, learn.
10:28
[SPEAKER_08]: I learned and at least I got it right with this group.
10:30
[SPEAKER_08]: But if I don't get it right with with with this group.
10:34
[SPEAKER_08]: do I feel guilty that my older child missed out on this version of me?
10:39
[SPEAKER_08]: What do you do in that situation on that scenario?
10:42
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, I'm going to hold for the mic.
10:44
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, so my name is holding.
10:46
[SPEAKER_04]: I just want to say it's awesome what you're doing.
10:50
[SPEAKER_04]: But I want to count it.
10:52
[SPEAKER_04]: Talk about the two things that you're talking about.
10:54
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, first of all, parenthood is always going on, even when your children grow older and they get out the house.
11:02
[SPEAKER_04]: nail thing, we can never stop parenting, right.
11:06
[SPEAKER_04]: And I had the same situation with my son.
11:08
[SPEAKER_04]: I got an older children, children, older children, younger children.
11:15
[SPEAKER_04]: So with that, um, I had to tell my son, hey, when when you were young, we weren't as successful, right?
11:24
[SPEAKER_04]: So we couldn't give you everything that we can do with our younger children.
11:29
[SPEAKER_04]: So don't be upset or take that.
11:32
[SPEAKER_04]: We did the best we could with you at that point in time.
11:35
[SPEAKER_04]: But as time went on, we were more successful.
11:38
[SPEAKER_04]: And we were able to do more without younger children.
11:41
[SPEAKER_04]: So you came, don't be upset at the parent.
11:44
[SPEAKER_04]: But living our lives and trying to keep going on.
11:48
[SPEAKER_04]: And you met to son about driving a car.
11:53
[SPEAKER_04]: You said something about that and my father always told me when you get in the car, don't go too fast because you always want to be able to slow down and pull over to the curb.
12:04
[SPEAKER_04]: If you see somebody you want to talk to, but if you're going too fast, now you've got to turn around, come back around so you said always drive at a appropriate speed.
12:14
[SPEAKER_04]: So you should live your life, don't overdo it, don't be trying to go so hard, you know, take it as it comes and be at a comfortable speed in life.
12:24
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
12:25
[SPEAKER_04]: That's what I got from it, brother.
12:27
[SPEAKER_04]: Good point.
12:28
[SPEAKER_05]: How did your children receive that?
12:30
[SPEAKER_05]: It's great that you explained it.
12:31
[SPEAKER_05]: So if you're open, it's talking about that.
12:33
[SPEAKER_05]: But their living experiences, their living experience.
12:35
[SPEAKER_05]: How did they receive that?
12:36
[SPEAKER_05]: How did they change was that?
12:39
[SPEAKER_05]: Was there something in the relationship that that conversation fixed or you just felt it on your heart that you wanted to say that?
12:45
[SPEAKER_04]: Um, I thought, you know, I think as um, I was doing so much for my, for my daughter, right?
12:53
[SPEAKER_04]: She, they're about 10 years apart.
12:55
[SPEAKER_04]: I was doing so much for her and, and everything.
12:58
[SPEAKER_04]: And we had a conversation because, you know, it looked like he was a little like, man, you doing all this stuff and you ain't doing nothing for me.
13:06
[SPEAKER_04]: And you know, and I had to bring it to him.
13:14
[SPEAKER_04]: It wasn't that there was out there that you didn't get.
13:17
[SPEAKER_04]: I'm right, right, right.
13:18
[SPEAKER_04]: So not at your mature and you like, in your 20s and stuff, you, when do I stop?
13:25
[SPEAKER_04]: I mean, I got to stop and let you get to be your own man.
13:29
[SPEAKER_04]: And still, you know, I got to provide for my daughter.
13:33
[SPEAKER_04]: And right now she's 19 and I'm like, hey, that gravy trying to stop for you now.
13:38
[SPEAKER_04]: You know, I'm like, we kind of continue to do that because next thing you know, you would be 29 years old, like, daddy, I need to get my hair done and you think that's my responsibility.
13:48
[SPEAKER_04]: What you guys like right.
13:50
[SPEAKER_04]: You know, I had to tell her, I was like, hey, I'm paying your college tuition, your personal appearance.
13:55
[SPEAKER_04]: It's up to you.
13:56
[SPEAKER_04]: You need to go out there and figure out what you need to do.
13:59
[SPEAKER_04]: So you can get your hair done, get your nails done.
14:02
[SPEAKER_04]: You know, do it legally and do it, you know, responsibly.
14:06
[SPEAKER_04]: but don't be lucky for that, to pay for everything that you want to desire, right?
14:13
[SPEAKER_04]: Guys, appreciate that.
14:16
[SPEAKER_01]: I think it's the term shackle that's given me a bad connotation about it, because you don't have to be shackled, but you can be in touch with the parents, right?
14:26
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay.
14:27
[SPEAKER_01]: So I'm not shackled to it, but I'm in touch with it.
14:29
[SPEAKER_01]: I can reflect on it because
14:32
[SPEAKER_01]: It's a form of navigation, it's an navigation so I know what not to do, right?
14:37
[SPEAKER_01]: So I gotta know what I did in order to know what not to do.
14:40
[SPEAKER_01]: So it's not, it's not plaguing me.
14:41
[SPEAKER_01]: I did it.
14:42
[SPEAKER_01]: You know what I'm saying?
14:43
[SPEAKER_01]: I just know what not to do again.
14:45
[SPEAKER_01]: So I'm not shackled to it, but I'm in touch with it.
14:47
[SPEAKER_01]: So I think it's important to know that you don't have to be shackled to something to be in touch with it.
14:52
[SPEAKER_05]: I think that's good and I'm glad you made that distinction because part of the conversation is those around you keeping you shackled to get past.
15:03
[SPEAKER_05]: Whether that's how they treat you, how they see you in their mind, all of that impacts, how the house operates.
15:09
[SPEAKER_05]: So if I've moved past my past and I believe that my behaviors have demonstrated that I am a new person and the behaviors
15:22
[SPEAKER_05]: And that's that's that's what I want to go with with that dude.
15:25
[SPEAKER_05]: He is like let's get to it.
15:27
[SPEAKER_08]: Oh, oh, I'm glad you're listening.
15:30
[SPEAKER_08]: I have a question.
15:32
[SPEAKER_08]: Uh-huh, because am I allowed to tell somebody else when they done with something?
15:37
[SPEAKER_08]: Meaning?
15:38
[SPEAKER_08]: Meaning?
15:39
[SPEAKER_08]: I had a relative once tell me he the most loyal person he knows.
15:43
[SPEAKER_08]: Sir, you're not allowed to tell me your loyal.
15:45
[SPEAKER_08]: Someone else tells you how loyal you are.
15:49
[SPEAKER_08]: So if perhaps something about my past is a trigger to my significant other My surroundings, my coworker, my colleague, my children even.
16:02
[SPEAKER_08]: Am I allowed, based on the example, to set a standard away a window or a time frame, to say, hey, I've been better than that for this amount of time, you should be over and done with that, like move on, how you gonna steal home your accountable for that, and I'm so far removed from that.
16:22
[SPEAKER_08]: Am I allowed to set that standard, or am I at the mercy of that person
16:29
[SPEAKER_08]: now I'm good with that or hey I may never be good with that you have a time frame in your mind but that person may never they'll deal with it tolerated persist is not worth throwing the baby out with the bath water but I'll never get over it perhaps how do you feel about that that time frame portion of it.
16:49
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, it's not going to go to the mic, but I want to talk about that very scenario when somebody decides For them they're not going to get over a thing.
16:58
[SPEAKER_05]: What does your duty?
16:59
[SPEAKER_05]: Okay?
17:00
[SPEAKER_00]: All right, so my question is if you're if your parents have shackles and you are you born with your parents shackles, how do you release yourself from your parents shackles because I feel like this, that's something to say more about it, is it in terms of their limitations became your limitations or they they literally held you or in the scenario you will have
17:20
[SPEAKER_00]: always say I have put a childhood trauma.
17:23
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, yeah.
17:23
[SPEAKER_00]: I just feel like my her child trauma is my mom was shackles that she's still to this day have not released and I feel like I'm still holding on to the same shackles she held them on.
17:32
[SPEAKER_05]: What so?
17:33
[SPEAKER_05]: Why do you feel like you holding on so is it just familiar or comfortable though?
17:36
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe that's just something I had when it came to terms with, but I just didn't know if that makes sense.
17:42
[SPEAKER_00]: How do I release her shackles from her so she could release
17:45
[SPEAKER_05]: I think it makes a lot of sense, but I like what you're saying because an easy thing to do is to put it on her that she created the sack was in and that have any ownership.
17:53
[SPEAKER_05]: What you're looking for, how do you take ownership of it?
17:56
[SPEAKER_05]: So I think I think that's a great step.
17:58
[SPEAKER_05]: The easy way is for the blame to always be where it was birthed.
18:04
[SPEAKER_05]: And there's, there's, there's a lot of responsibility with a playing was birth, but at this point, everybody in this room has the opportunity to reshape how they think, right?
18:15
[SPEAKER_05]: It's not the, the things that happen to you, don't impact and inform how you do things, or who you are, and I can even catch myself.
18:24
[SPEAKER_05]: A lot of normal conversation, consist of, this is what I know, this is what was done to me, this is what happened, this is what I'm from.
18:32
[SPEAKER_05]: McCall, Joe T, y'all, because that's my guy.
18:34
[SPEAKER_05]: And he's big on overcoming the environment that he came from, right?
18:38
[SPEAKER_05]: And those are things that it has to be a very specific and intentional decision that just isn't easy.
18:47
[SPEAKER_05]: So I don't, there is no easy answer for it.
18:50
[SPEAKER_05]: You have to decide that you're worth figuring it out and doing the work, you know, and I think it deserves a conversation with your mother if that's possible.
18:58
[SPEAKER_08]: And a brief answer is step one is like you said, acknowledging that that's not the life for you, that doesn't work for you.
19:05
[SPEAKER_08]: Like if you don't first realize that it's not for me, then you'll continue to repeat those things because that's your norm.
19:12
[SPEAKER_08]: It can be the norm, but once you realize, hey, I don't like this.
19:15
[SPEAKER_08]: I want this to not be my existence.
19:17
[SPEAKER_08]: And then you start by example showing them, and when they start to say, hey, you look foreign to me, you act in funny, they can say what they want.
19:24
[SPEAKER_08]: But then if they see it, and there's a better way, perhaps you will be the example for the household or for the family to say, hey, this, I knew way of doing things.
19:32
[SPEAKER_08]: Just a new line that we're going to start to follow.
19:35
[SPEAKER_08]: And if they don't, a well is not your line anymore.
19:38
[SPEAKER_08]: You know what I mean?
19:38
[SPEAKER_08]: me.
19:39
[SPEAKER_08]: You're not accountable for the whole family anymore.
19:41
[SPEAKER_08]: I got to do what's different for me.
19:43
[SPEAKER_08]: And if that means that we have to sever this relationship or even limited to a point, it is what it is for the sake of my peace.
19:52
[SPEAKER_05]: I think I think it's real important to let people know that a way that they were treating you or way that you used to think is no longer for you.
20:00
[SPEAKER_05]: Like we have that responsibility to let somebody know that you're redefining your boundaries
20:07
[SPEAKER_05]: I wasn't good at using my words if something annoying me, I just let it annoy me and I try to find my get-backs in another way, right?
20:14
[SPEAKER_05]: You got to have a conversation about these things as adults.
20:16
[SPEAKER_05]: That was child's behavior that I brought it to adulthood because as a child, I thought it worked for me, no, that was just avoiding.
20:23
[SPEAKER_05]: And for me, I can avoid the thing until I don't think about it.
20:25
[SPEAKER_05]: And if I don't think about it, it's done, but that's never, that's never, it doesn't work like that in a household.
20:31
[SPEAKER_09]: Backs, I'm a Joe T, the one he put on a blast.
20:35
[SPEAKER_09]: That's what I'm doing.
20:37
[SPEAKER_09]: But I feel like shackles only exist where unforgiveness leaves.
20:44
[SPEAKER_09]: I do your 10 years in prison.
20:46
[SPEAKER_09]: I miss majority of my child like.
20:48
[SPEAKER_09]: At some point, I felt like,
20:51
[SPEAKER_09]: I had shackles, I had to make up for that.
20:53
[SPEAKER_09]: I can only start while I can acknowledge while I can do better.
20:58
[SPEAKER_09]: And I think that as a parent, as a man, as a father, and at some point when you acknowledge what the shackle is, forget yourself and just move on from there.
21:11
[SPEAKER_09]: I'm a believer of the scripture tellers
21:15
[SPEAKER_09]: You gotta be comfortable.
21:16
[SPEAKER_09]: He said, don't be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.
21:20
[SPEAKER_09]: And that means to form new ideas, the shackle exists because you have my forgave yourself.
21:26
[SPEAKER_09]: And from there, you just move forward.
21:28
[SPEAKER_09]: So that's why I want to say it's far to do it.
21:30
[SPEAKER_05]: Do you know that?
21:31
[SPEAKER_09]: Yeah.
21:32
[SPEAKER_05]: Are you good at forgiving yourself?
21:33
[SPEAKER_05]: Me?
21:33
[SPEAKER_05]: Because that really kind of roll right into another.
21:37
[SPEAKER_08]: It's part of the conversation.
21:38
[SPEAKER_08]: If I can be honest, made it depend on the topic, I can honestly say to this day there are things that I still have not forgiven myself for in life and I suppress it so much that I don't allow it to come to the surface if a certain song or music or smell trigger certain thoughts and memories in me that if it I know my wife has a list,
22:05
[SPEAKER_08]: of of songs that I cannot listen to because they trigger certain thoughts and memories and emotions in me that I'm not equipped to deal with and instead of me seeking some type of assistance to help me deal with it to this day, 48 years old, I still don't want anything to do with it.
22:25
[SPEAKER_05]: So, so, so, it's, it's a, it's a shackle.
22:29
[SPEAKER_05]: comfortable or you just willing to live with that discomfort.
22:32
[SPEAKER_08]: I don't want to go through the pain of the healing of it so you're cool with shackles.
22:36
[SPEAKER_08]: I'm not cool with it.
22:37
[SPEAKER_08]: I just I'm I guess right if I have to be honest.
22:41
[SPEAKER_08]: I'm talking to me to apparently I appear to be more cool with dealing with it than I am with the healing process of it.
22:50
[SPEAKER_08]: So
22:51
[SPEAKER_08]: deal with it in terms of.
22:53
[SPEAKER_08]: Let it exist.
22:54
[SPEAKER_08]: Let this deal resonate within who I am as a person and not resolving it to get it off me.
23:00
[SPEAKER_08]: If it's still embedded in me, then that has to mean I'm okay with it because anything you don't change about yourself.
23:06
[SPEAKER_08]: You're telling the world you're okay with that.
23:08
[SPEAKER_08]: That thing about yourself.
23:09
[SPEAKER_02]: So, Rob.
23:13
[SPEAKER_02]: I guess my question would be because the word shackled is very strong, yeah, yeah, who benefits from teaching at my set to use something like what systems.
23:29
[SPEAKER_02]: that may be in place right now benefit from the idea that you will forever be in tangled with your yesterday.
23:37
[SPEAKER_02]: And the reason I asked that question, especially in this room with all these melanin faces around, I think there is a unique difference.
23:46
[SPEAKER_02]: And that perhaps we get taught that in a more feverish way, when other people can go on to be president.
23:54
[SPEAKER_05]: Mm-hmm, and right now this might name bad.
23:57
[SPEAKER_02]: So who do you think benefits from maintaining on the idea that you're a shackle to yesterday?
24:03
[SPEAKER_02]: Was that no, I was I'm going in.
24:05
[SPEAKER_02]: I don't want in the rupee.
24:06
[SPEAKER_05]: No, I was I was thinking about in terms of shackles that have passed down in terms of a mentality or mindset that May not even be overtly I'm putting the shackle on you, but because I have this limited
24:22
[SPEAKER_05]: view and experience of the world.
24:24
[SPEAKER_05]: And I believe this is how it to go along and get along.
24:27
[SPEAKER_05]: This is your place.
24:28
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
24:28
[SPEAKER_05]: I can think back to me starting in corporate and a lot of the advice that I got from my parents, who had not traveled the road that I was traveling, was kind of, get along go along.
24:41
[SPEAKER_07]: Yeah.
24:42
[SPEAKER_05]: Don't, don't, you got this opportunity.
24:44
[SPEAKER_05]: Don't, you know, don't, don't ruffle things too much.
24:48
[SPEAKER_05]: And to a large part, you know, I adopted that.
24:50
[SPEAKER_05]: I
24:51
[SPEAKER_05]: I admittedly struggle hiring people that look like me because of what I thought other people were going to think about me hiring people that look like me.
25:00
[SPEAKER_05]: Wow.
25:02
[SPEAKER_05]: Though they did it all the time because I know what I came in there that the load that I came in with, I know I had to all work you.
25:11
[SPEAKER_05]: I know I know I had to spend 18, 16 hour days on a regular.
25:18
[SPEAKER_05]: And the danger with that was when I bought into it, so far that I really thought I was doing my family a favor, putting in all of this work, putting in all of this effort for people that don't even care that it took me with it, took down the care by the result, right?
25:36
[SPEAKER_05]: You only good as your last result.
25:39
[SPEAKER_05]: So part of being on this journey there haven't been excellent from corporate.
25:42
[SPEAKER_05]: I kind of said it before.
25:44
[SPEAKER_05]: I got to the top of the ladder.
25:46
[SPEAKER_05]: only to realize it was laying to get some raw building like I put so much into that process only to only to learn the lesson through, expect through my experience versus experiences of others that they don't care.
26:02
[SPEAKER_07]: Right, right.
26:04
[SPEAKER_05]: And then what you left with and then it's I no longer have the result of all of this work that I've done the constantly show my family.
26:11
[SPEAKER_05]: because he results was resultant for a good while, totally.
26:15
[SPEAKER_05]: And then when that identity was stripped as like, well, the other piece of that is struggling with, am I even qualified to tell them to do different?
26:27
[SPEAKER_05]: Right.
26:28
[SPEAKER_05]: Parts of the reason that the gap between me and my parents and me and my father specifically grew was because I didn't think he understood what I was doing because I never saw him do.
26:38
[SPEAKER_05]: How can you tell me about being in leadership?
26:41
[SPEAKER_07]: Yeah.
26:42
[SPEAKER_05]: How can you tell me about starting the company?
26:44
[SPEAKER_05]: How can you let alone all the conversation we never had but the things that I thought very specifically about what he didn't do, I wasn't willing to listen to him about it and that kind of further push me, you know, further off course.
26:59
[SPEAKER_05]: So I like
27:01
[SPEAKER_05]: I like the the sea that you planted with that.
27:03
[SPEAKER_05]: That's something I got to I don't know.
27:05
[SPEAKER_08]: I've got to jump right on it.
27:06
[SPEAKER_08]: Get to it.
27:08
[SPEAKER_08]: It triggered me.
27:10
[SPEAKER_08]: I like that you say it, brother, because I agree with your perspective on that because I feel like
27:18
[SPEAKER_08]: If it goes back to the analogy I used about the mirror, if I'm so busy paying attention to my past and watching my past and standing tuned with my past, and let's say for instance, it hurts.
27:31
[SPEAKER_08]: Let's say for instance, it's less than great.
27:33
[SPEAKER_08]: I'm so focused on that less than great moment that I want to allow me to be great.
27:38
[SPEAKER_08]: So now that also goes back to what I just spoke about, things that bother me that I haven't forgiven myself for, that I suppress and I don't acknowledge, I feel like it sounds harsh, but in my opinion, I convince myself that it takes being a tank.
27:56
[SPEAKER_08]: to get through life.
27:58
[SPEAKER_08]: And so if I've tried as I got older, you know, it becomes talking points to go seek healing and seek counseling.
28:06
[SPEAKER_08]: And I don't mean to say that like it's facetious.
28:09
[SPEAKER_08]: Those things are very important and need it.
28:11
[SPEAKER_08]: However, however,
28:13
[SPEAKER_08]: We hear it so much on social media and we hear talking points about it so much that we'll overdo it with someone that's not qualified to give it to us.
28:22
[SPEAKER_08]: And so now they have us overly sensitive.
28:24
[SPEAKER_08]: And so now when I've explored trying to become more sensitive in an area or seek healing in an area, I feel like it made me overly sensitive to that thing.
28:34
[SPEAKER_08]: And so now I felt like I was inadequate.
28:37
[SPEAKER_08]: I was no longer that tank I needed to be to push through this thing.
28:41
[SPEAKER_08]: So now you just turn my tank into a you go.
28:44
[SPEAKER_08]: So now I'm a little photo car and you any little brush or bump going scrape me up, tell my pain off and now I got a flat tire.
28:52
[SPEAKER_08]: I never had a flat tire on that tank because I'm rolling on these tracks.
28:56
[SPEAKER_08]: So now because I'm so rough and my exterior is so harsh.
29:00
[SPEAKER_08]: sure that's not palatable for everybody, but it's going to give me what I'm trying to go in my family inside the tank.
29:07
[SPEAKER_08]: You can attack me all day.
29:09
[SPEAKER_08]: You're not going to make it to the interior of what I got sealed and concealed inside of this tank.
29:14
[SPEAKER_08]: So now if I'm looking back at my past trying to get in touch and in tone with the mistakes that I made and then I start to feel remorse and now I've opened myself up and now I'm all of a sudden I'm a bit more soft to a thing
29:29
[SPEAKER_08]: Now I feel like I'm not so protective of everything that I'm responsible for and I don't have the grit that perhaps it would take for me to make that hard decision and push through this mud hole.
29:41
[SPEAKER_08]: It's going to tell my little you go up.
29:43
[SPEAKER_08]: What's your got, bro?
29:44
[SPEAKER_04]: I've got a couple of things.
29:45
[SPEAKER_04]: I'm going to address what you were just talking about right now in reference to life.
29:49
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
29:50
[SPEAKER_04]: We need to look at that as an as an exam.
29:52
[SPEAKER_04]: We take tests.
29:54
[SPEAKER_04]: We make errors.
29:55
[SPEAKER_04]: Then we can come back.
29:57
[SPEAKER_04]: Take that test again and pass that question that we didn't get right.
30:01
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
30:01
[SPEAKER_04]: Just like in life, hey, when we go through life, we make errors.
30:05
[SPEAKER_04]: Let that error go.
30:06
[SPEAKER_04]: You know what to do going for it.
30:08
[SPEAKER_04]: So don't hold on to it.
30:10
[SPEAKER_04]: I'm just going to say, don't hold on to those errors that you make in life.
30:13
[SPEAKER_04]: You got to keep moving on if somebody that's in your in your circle that's holding on to the error for you, maybe you need to, hey, I need to get into a different circle now because that's pulling me down and I'm going to move over here to you is when you was talking about how your father was, he couldn't teach you about
30:34
[SPEAKER_04]: leadership and all that.
30:36
[SPEAKER_05]: I didn't allow him.
30:37
[SPEAKER_04]: Okay.
30:37
[SPEAKER_04]: I'm okay.
30:38
[SPEAKER_04]: You didn't allow him.
30:39
[SPEAKER_04]: Okay.
30:40
[SPEAKER_04]: And you know, I'm, I'm in human resources and I do a training and all that type stuff.
30:46
[SPEAKER_04]: And you know, I will always tell people when I would do orientation.
30:49
[SPEAKER_04]: You learn from everybody.
30:52
[SPEAKER_04]: No matter how old they are, how young they are, think about it today, are elderly, are learning how to do
31:03
[SPEAKER_04]: But we could teach our children about life experience.
31:07
[SPEAKER_04]: So, that's a full circle.
31:09
[SPEAKER_04]: So we cannot look at somebody and be like, hey, you can't teach me anything.
31:15
[SPEAKER_04]: Appreciate that, brother.
31:18
[SPEAKER_05]: Anybody you, that you push out was on?
31:22
[SPEAKER_08]: Shit again.
31:22
[SPEAKER_05]: Does anybody that you push out was on a human?
31:25
[SPEAKER_08]: Anybody that I push out was on?
31:28
[SPEAKER_08]: I used to have, I used to have shackles on my dead.
31:33
[SPEAKER_08]: And I didn't realize that till late in life.
31:37
[SPEAKER_08]: As a kid, I didn't realize it.
31:39
[SPEAKER_08]: I admired my dad as a kid.
31:43
[SPEAKER_08]: I grew up in a single mom home.
31:45
[SPEAKER_08]: So I had this facade in my mind of who my dad was.
31:51
[SPEAKER_08]: And I idolized who I made him in my mind.
31:54
[SPEAKER_08]: And then as I got older, and I got to know my dad, I began to judge my dad.
32:01
[SPEAKER_08]: and I took him off that pedestal, and I started to criticize him in my mind.
32:06
[SPEAKER_08]: I never criticized him publicly, but in my mind, I started to tear apart the fair tale that I had given my dad, because my mom, she constantly, my entire childhood, always said she'd never bad my dad to me.
32:23
[SPEAKER_08]: She was like, it's not my job.
32:24
[SPEAKER_08]: God, I hold me accountable if I do that.
32:26
[SPEAKER_08]: Whatever your relationship with your daddy is, it's going to be because of the work that you and your dad put in.
32:32
[SPEAKER_08]: I have no input.
32:33
[SPEAKER_08]: So once I got older and I kind of tore him down in my mind because of things that I felt could have been different.
32:40
[SPEAKER_08]: But then as they say keep saying good morning, now life has reversed again.
32:45
[SPEAKER_08]: I'm in phase three.
32:46
[SPEAKER_08]: and he had, he's in stages of dementia and I am taking care of him, you know what I mean?
32:52
[SPEAKER_08]: So now I'm over his estate, I'm proud of attorney and I have to, his house burned down this past summer.
32:59
[SPEAKER_08]: I'm driving back and forth to Houston, rebuilding this house and paying his bills and taking care of everything.
33:05
[SPEAKER_08]: So imagine
33:06
[SPEAKER_08]: as a child, this guy's a hero.
33:09
[SPEAKER_08]: And then as a teen and young, young, 20s, I feel like this man let his a portion of his family down.
33:17
[SPEAKER_08]: And then now, most people would condemn you to death at that moment, you know what I mean?
33:22
[SPEAKER_08]: Like, good, this your life coming back for a circle on you.
33:27
[SPEAKER_08]: I removed the shackles to go back and make sure.
33:29
[SPEAKER_08]: that he is good in the county for now because at the end of the day, he was a man trying to figure out parents and he didn't have a manual.
33:37
[SPEAKER_08]: He did what he knew.
33:38
[SPEAKER_08]: He did what he felt.
33:39
[SPEAKER_08]: It's not my job to hold him or judge him or condemn him.
33:43
[SPEAKER_08]: I'm allowed to feel like I feel.
33:46
[SPEAKER_08]: However, there are things that he showed me as a man that showed me that he means well when he knows well.
33:53
[SPEAKER_05]: If that makes sense.
33:57
[SPEAKER_05]: I limited his ability to parent me as a man, like even through this journey, him and I had the conversations about.
34:07
[SPEAKER_05]: So, the tag line for the show was this one, whatever was my father told me, and having the conversation with my dad as I'm 40, maybe 40, somewhere between 40 and 42, about all the things that he thought he got wrong and how much they aligned with all the things
34:28
[SPEAKER_05]: was very eye-opening, the difference is I had a resource through that stage of life where he did.
34:37
[SPEAKER_05]: Now he had to figure out how to beat our resource because he didn't have my dad's father die when my dad was 20, I've never seen him.
34:43
[SPEAKER_05]: I don't think my dad has ever seen the grandfather, I don't know his dad has ever seen the grandfather.
34:47
[SPEAKER_05]: I keep saying that this is at least going back to the mid-1800s in the documentation that we have is the first time in the John side of the family that
34:56
[SPEAKER_05]: a man that's had his father and a son alive at the same time.
35:00
[SPEAKER_07]: Wow.
35:01
[SPEAKER_05]: So the gap that I put in between me and my dad, initially not wanting information, after that being too embarrassed to ask for information, only to realize that he was doing his best.
35:15
[SPEAKER_05]: And the standard that he was setting was because there had to be a standard.
35:19
[SPEAKER_06]: Yeah.
35:20
[SPEAKER_05]: Had to be a standard.
35:21
[SPEAKER_05]: Certainly.
35:21
[SPEAKER_05]: The standard wasn't for me to like the standard was.
35:25
[SPEAKER_05]: for the house to run a certain way.
35:28
[SPEAKER_05]: He also admitted they got some of that wrong, but I couldn't understand it until I became responsible for other people.
35:35
[SPEAKER_05]: And initially the approach that I take that I took trying to be more relaxed and trying to be more cool and trying to be, you know, the cool dad and all of that.
35:42
[SPEAKER_05]: didn't position it well for when I got fed up with the with the behavior that I didn't create a standard for.
35:49
[SPEAKER_05]: Right.
35:49
[SPEAKER_05]: Right.
35:49
[SPEAKER_05]: So I learned to respect my damn.
35:51
[SPEAKER_05]: My dad is the biggest fan of this show.
35:53
[SPEAKER_05]: So what I wish my father told me he didn't take he was like, son.
35:57
[SPEAKER_05]: You're doing something that I couldn't put words to for decades.
36:02
[SPEAKER_05]: And we have more open and meaningful conversations now, but I realized that I had really shackled him.
36:08
[SPEAKER_05]: I had put a restriction on my father from being the man that I needed him to be in the most critical stages of life.
36:17
[SPEAKER_02]: Great conversation, y'all.
36:18
[SPEAKER_02]: And it's, I wanted to share a real life example of like,
36:28
[SPEAKER_02]: their past or their bad decisions.
36:29
[SPEAKER_02]: I got to email for my son today.
36:32
[SPEAKER_02]: You've got to do all this homework, right?
36:35
[SPEAKER_02]: And when I read the email, I had to step back because I'm like, this dude is afraid of the consequences of this shortcoming, this thing that he just mistake that he made.
36:50
[SPEAKER_02]: and I had a question like, why is he so afraid of this mistake?
36:54
[SPEAKER_02]: Right, I can only come to one conclusion, me, right, so the thing that I I sent back to him instead was a mistake isn't a bit not a name.
37:09
[SPEAKER_02]: It's not an event, it's something that occurred, it's not a name for who you are.
37:15
[SPEAKER_02]: So I want us to really understand that this brother talked about his incarceration.
37:21
[SPEAKER_02]: I got a call from a friend last week who is just in despair about the fact that he's having trouble finding a job 2022 years after incarceration, right?
37:33
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
37:33
[SPEAKER_02]: And I think I don't ever want to super propagate through our community in any way that a mistake is your name in any way.
37:41
[SPEAKER_02]: So I think that's the danger that I would warn us of, of teaching our sons that we're shackled in a way, we don't want to confuse accountability with identity.
37:52
[SPEAKER_02]: And that makes sense.
37:53
[SPEAKER_02]: Right.
37:54
[SPEAKER_05]: Right.
37:54
[SPEAKER_05]: Absolutely does.
37:55
[SPEAKER_05]: Oh, as you said, that I started to think when you said it's a bit not a name,
38:03
[SPEAKER_05]: with so many events are consistent, and they are front of mind to you, how often do we rename our children and mistakes?
38:15
[SPEAKER_05]: This is who you are.
38:16
[SPEAKER_05]: No, this might be a phase that might be something deeper, but if you're only looking at the behavior,
38:24
[SPEAKER_05]: that's demonstrated and judging off of the behavior that's demonstrated you'll never understand exactly what the child needs like I my oldest son may God bless him for.
38:37
[SPEAKER_05]: for living through me, through me learning.
38:42
[SPEAKER_05]: So we have five children.
38:45
[SPEAKER_05]: We had girl girl first, those girl girl boy, girl boy.
38:49
[SPEAKER_05]: And I just couldn't, there's only so much discipline I can do to my daughter.
38:54
[SPEAKER_05]: This is like, it's, you're gonna cry, okay, cool, cool, yes, you know, that's it.
38:59
[SPEAKER_05]: Let's go to the store, you know what I mean?
39:01
[SPEAKER_05]: Let's think, let's think of something else other than you, not liking life right now because of me.
39:06
[SPEAKER_05]: But with my son, I over indexed and I was giving him everything that I had pent up that he didn't need.
39:14
[SPEAKER_05]: And I realized that it wasn't even so much that his mistakes were his behavior.
39:20
[SPEAKER_05]: I was just waiting for him to act to be in control, to demand it to do something, to give him what I got.
39:32
[SPEAKER_05]: the difference is I was earning every whip in that I got it actually became potty equation like okay well I mean it's probably gonna stay and it's gonna be this but I'll get through it and that hurt I mean that that hurts to to consider realization that somebody that admires you wants to be like you and
40:02
[SPEAKER_05]: for so long.
40:04
[SPEAKER_05]: You've read the wrong, so long that you believe the bad about them that's not even about them.
40:10
[SPEAKER_05]: It's about my pre-conceived notions, me jumping to conclusions.
40:15
[SPEAKER_05]: Me being frustrated that I didn't address the thing as sixth is now a problem at 12.
40:21
[SPEAKER_05]: Because when I was 12, I didn't have that problem.
40:23
[SPEAKER_05]: Well, that problem was addressed as six with me.
40:26
[SPEAKER_05]: And I kind
40:32
[SPEAKER_05]: It is very common to call somebody there.
40:36
[SPEAKER_05]: It's even as a lead-in corporate, like the behavior that somebody exhibits, you classify them as that.
40:42
[SPEAKER_05]: If you can live with it and work with it and still get a result, maybe they're surrounded.
40:45
[SPEAKER_05]: You can't live with this person being laid every day or whatever it is, you're getting rid of them and you've considered that to be that person.
40:51
[SPEAKER_05]: And I,
40:53
[SPEAKER_05]: Unfortunately, I learned a lot of good life lessons and corporate that I can apply to my home that I still learned in my home was to have a conversation about the why of a thing.
41:04
[SPEAKER_05]: And for me to actually care about the why and not just stopping the judgment of you shouldn't be doing this.
41:10
[SPEAKER_08]: Do.
41:11
[SPEAKER_08]: I'm listening to what you're saying about.
41:17
[SPEAKER_08]: I keep hearing tradition, and even deeper than that, trauma tradition, because we had a conversation 100 episodes ago, so about I can't wait to give you what I got.
41:35
[SPEAKER_08]: It happened to me, I swear for God is going to happen to you.
41:45
[SPEAKER_08]: And it's like, boy, I see you laying that hole in that body.
41:48
[SPEAKER_08]: You won't drive me one day.
41:50
[SPEAKER_08]: So we're so ready for our turn.
41:54
[SPEAKER_08]: It's my turn.
41:55
[SPEAKER_08]: I'm gonna be the belt on this switch, twisting.
41:58
[SPEAKER_08]: And you don't even know this child's personality yet.
42:02
[SPEAKER_08]: It's like for instance, my oldest boy.
42:06
[SPEAKER_08]: He really, a lot of them are the stuff of that baby boy.
42:10
[SPEAKER_08]: They don't have all of my personality.
42:13
[SPEAKER_08]: You know, Molfo eat eat does.
42:16
[SPEAKER_08]: But, brain on up, they really don't.
42:19
[SPEAKER_08]: do the foolishness I be on.
42:21
[SPEAKER_08]: Like the foolishness I grew up on, they hear stories about me and they criticize me.
42:26
[SPEAKER_08]: And I don't get me, I don't care.
42:28
[SPEAKER_08]: Not gonna judge me.
42:29
[SPEAKER_08]: But I'm telling them the stories, let them know, hey, this is capable.
42:33
[SPEAKER_08]: It's out here and I wouldn't advise you to do it because it's not gonna go well.
42:37
[SPEAKER_08]: So when you say that you went through daughter daughter and then you owe the son and you were like, hey, you gonna get this and if he does step outside
42:47
[SPEAKER_08]: you probably act in as though he jumped out the building only because I haven't been able to release my turn at this trauma on my daughters.
42:57
[SPEAKER_08]: So now I got to make up for them too.
43:00
[SPEAKER_08]: So he really getting it for three.
43:01
[SPEAKER_08]: He child number three.
43:03
[SPEAKER_08]: I've been waiting three kids to give you this smoke.
43:06
[SPEAKER_08]: So you've been to get three kids worth a smoke till I get it out my sister.
43:09
[SPEAKER_08]: Not and that sounds certainly but I know you're not an abusive dad at all.
43:13
[SPEAKER_08]: Please don't take it that way.
43:15
[SPEAKER_08]: My brother
43:16
[SPEAKER_08]: But, you know, sometimes it's worse, you know, you could pop off at Ikea's with worse because I'm a double-stander gang.
43:24
[SPEAKER_08]: Like, I don't treat girls and boys the same.
43:27
[SPEAKER_08]: And my wife and women that I know criticize me for that.
43:30
[SPEAKER_08]: I don't care.
43:31
[SPEAKER_08]: I don't care.
43:32
[SPEAKER_08]: I don't care.
43:32
[SPEAKER_08]: Take it to Jesus.
43:34
[SPEAKER_08]: But,
43:35
[SPEAKER_08]: I absolutely treat them differently.
43:37
[SPEAKER_08]: I don't princess a girl to death to where she's not accountable for her actions because that's what you're going to set her up for failure.
43:44
[SPEAKER_08]: And she's going to be no good in a relationship.
43:46
[SPEAKER_08]: And now her husband can't do anything for her.
43:49
[SPEAKER_08]: Because now dad's part of to a point.
43:51
[SPEAKER_08]: But she's not accountable for her own actions.
43:53
[SPEAKER_08]: Please don't do that.
43:54
[SPEAKER_08]: But however,
43:55
[SPEAKER_08]: She can get a stern talking to, whereas the boy, you're like, I ain't got no words, man.
44:00
[SPEAKER_08]: Come on, let's get to this action.
44:02
[SPEAKER_08]: You see what I mean?
44:03
[SPEAKER_08]: So we have to, we have to be more mindful as fathers, that it's the same thing with women.
44:09
[SPEAKER_08]: They ready to put their daughter between the washing dry.
44:13
[SPEAKER_08]: But because it's like now she's not going to play with me, but that's the same trauma that the dead is passing down to the sun, it's gender specific.
44:23
[SPEAKER_08]: Like now you let no make it, even more so.
44:26
[SPEAKER_08]: your daddy really too south on you.
44:28
[SPEAKER_08]: I got it.
44:29
[SPEAKER_08]: So now, yeah, you saw what you did.
44:31
[SPEAKER_08]: She popped a lips at me.
44:32
[SPEAKER_08]: Well, I don't know.
44:33
[SPEAKER_08]: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, so we have to be mindful of his parents to not only hold each other accountable, but be aware in the moment that this is my son.
44:42
[SPEAKER_08]: He has my jeans in him.
44:44
[SPEAKER_08]: So if he goes and he tear this whole car apart, he don't know how to put it back
44:55
[SPEAKER_01]: It's, it's vice versa with me.
44:58
[SPEAKER_01]: I was the, um, I got frustrated.
45:01
[SPEAKER_01]: I was custed.
45:02
[SPEAKER_01]: I didn't really get too many weapons, but it was like, you know, crazy.
45:05
[SPEAKER_06]: Yeah.
45:05
[SPEAKER_01]: I was saying never custed them.
45:07
[SPEAKER_01]: I was saying never doing this.
45:09
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, I have a son, right?
45:11
[SPEAKER_01]: I still don't cuss at him.
45:12
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to tell him to sit his ass down somewhere.
45:15
[SPEAKER_01]: But I was not that harsh, right?
45:16
[SPEAKER_01]: So, um, like you said a minute ago, you can appreciate the standard you're dancing, right?
45:24
[SPEAKER_01]: gonna appreciate that standard my mom said because it's like, when you're playing with right now, my mom would have been to tell me 30 minutes, say, sit, Joe, you know, probably would have popped me in, so I think.
45:36
[SPEAKER_01]: We can't get caught up in either way, right?
45:38
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm never going to be too much of this or I want to be like this because I just think it's so different for everybody else.
45:44
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think you have to have such a healthy, healthy balance.
45:49
[SPEAKER_01]: We know you're okay.
45:50
[SPEAKER_01]: Each kid is so different.
45:51
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, I have months, I only have one.
45:53
[SPEAKER_01]: My son is so much like me.
45:55
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
45:55
[SPEAKER_01]: So it's scary to watch, right?
45:58
[SPEAKER_01]: It's almost like, oh, well, okay.
46:00
[SPEAKER_01]: So I know where my mom didn't see it with me.
46:03
[SPEAKER_01]: I see it with him.
46:05
[SPEAKER_01]: So it's like, I said you at the door.
46:06
[SPEAKER_02]: Right, right, right, right, right.
46:07
[SPEAKER_01]: You so it's like, I said you at the door.
46:08
[SPEAKER_01]: So I have to him accordingly, right?
46:10
[SPEAKER_01]: But it's, you can't handle each kid the same, right?
46:13
[SPEAKER_01]: So when you have multiples, it's like, we always shape shift through this parents.
46:18
[SPEAKER_01]: I got to be this for you.
46:19
[SPEAKER_01]: I got to be that.
46:19
[SPEAKER_01]: I got to be this.
46:20
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's so important that we stay on it.
46:22
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, knowing what each kid needs because if I can't be the soft call for the parents or the right to kid,
46:29
[SPEAKER_01]: You, you know what I'm saying?
46:30
[SPEAKER_08]: Should not be right.
46:31
[SPEAKER_08]: Should not be.
46:32
[SPEAKER_05]: There, oh, we got five algorithms in house.
46:34
[SPEAKER_05]: That's what I call them.
46:35
[SPEAKER_05]: If well, we got it.
46:37
[SPEAKER_05]: We got a six room because my old Zag rhythm saw fifth first to have a grandchild.
46:42
[SPEAKER_05]: So even even like, even that is I open and seeing how she parents, because they all live we all live in the same house.
46:51
[SPEAKER_05]: And sometimes something raises up inside me.
47:01
[SPEAKER_05]: Like does that qualify as you or like you you you have a responsibility in this and it's it's it's it's a it's a beautiful thing to experience I'm becoming way more aware.
47:14
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, but I think the important thing that you were that you were what you were saying is having conversations I think that's the biggest difference between My generation and my parents and maybe similar for y'all that certain conversations.
47:26
[SPEAKER_05]: We weren't afford it Because they would never afford it
47:31
[SPEAKER_05]: And it's like, I was generation or leasing it for my house, my wife and I maybe my wife's expenses was different in my innate, they talk, they talk, they talk, talk, they be the, they they be using some words and my family was kind of opposite like we, we show love, definitely we didn't lead the house saying I love you.
47:51
[SPEAKER_05]: I actually learned to say I love you to a man because my son was saying to me.
47:55
[SPEAKER_05]: and I get out the car for looking at me like you heard what I said right right right right get your gun as he's seven or eight years old I I learned that from my son and I'm great that I learned a lesson but great her that he was emotionally way more mature than I've ever been at any age that he's concurrently so I you know the the two lines always have half conversations
48:20
[SPEAKER_05]: Not just with your children, but with the people that you interact with, the people that you may feel are responsible for the shackles, the people that may see you through shackles, seeing yourself through your shackles, I think it's a very dangerous thing that I'm growing through now, it's for every success, I'd separate with a lens of, but you're also over here, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
48:47
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, really, he ain't really cutting it over here or that thing you miss or that opportunity you miss.
48:52
[SPEAKER_05]: I'm learning to use the past as the reference that is intended to be and not a lens of who I am today, though.
49:07
[SPEAKER_08]: Because Lisa, my personality,
49:12
[SPEAKER_08]: It keeps me grounded, but it also is a blessing in the curse so and what I mean by that is there's so many instances that
49:24
[SPEAKER_08]: I often tell people I live 20 lives, right?
49:28
[SPEAKER_08]: I'm like on life 21 right now.
49:30
[SPEAKER_08]: I, however, my sense of humor, I feel like got me through a lot of problems and issues that I feel like the average person or another person, perhaps wouldn't have shaken back from or been able to deal with in a certain way.
49:44
[SPEAKER_08]: But at the same time, I'm sometimes received as, I didn't take it serious, and I did.
49:54
[SPEAKER_08]: I absolutely took it serious.
49:56
[SPEAKER_08]: I laughed because I took it so serious.
49:59
[SPEAKER_08]: Like, that's my, that had to come out.
50:01
[SPEAKER_08]: Coping mechanism because...
50:03
[SPEAKER_08]: like I have to laugh at you and walk away or perhaps this situation was about to go violent or this was going to go bad or my reaction would have severed this relationship or this friendship and you never would talk to me again if you genuinely receive what I really wanted to do or naturally react how I want to react in this situation because I laughed at it and walked away.
50:26
[SPEAKER_08]: I ain't thinking I'm playing with him God bless you and keep you.
50:30
[SPEAKER_08]: And then when you see me again, and now I'm calm enough and collected enough.
50:36
[SPEAKER_08]: We about to have a conversation about that, because I can't just let you make it.
50:39
[SPEAKER_08]: I have to let you know that you crossed me in a way that I had to learn over the years how to save you from me and save me from me as well.
50:49
[SPEAKER_08]: So now because of that, that could be viewed as a shackle, like Mark.
50:53
[SPEAKER_08]: My temper was ferocious in my youth.
50:56
[SPEAKER_08]: And I'm embarrassed at how bad my temper was growing up.
51:00
[SPEAKER_08]: Like it didn't take two words to put my hands on somebody.
51:04
[SPEAKER_08]: That was my environment, you know what I mean?
51:07
[SPEAKER_08]: So because that's my environment, play with me, let's do it.
51:12
[SPEAKER_08]: I'm embarrassed and I try to make certain that
51:15
[SPEAKER_08]: I live out loud in front of my children about anger and frustration and hey, hey, hey, hey that so imagine if I remain shackled to that behavior to that mindset to that thought process like
51:30
[SPEAKER_08]: You know, since I'm fixing that man, this who I am, this idea is, this got me to be 21.
51:34
[SPEAKER_08]: If I wasn't ferocious like this, I wouldn't have seen 21.
51:38
[SPEAKER_08]: You can convince yourself of a thing that the wrong thing you're doing is the way of business.
51:43
[SPEAKER_08]: This business is usual.
51:45
[SPEAKER_08]: I'm supposed to come in and tell this thing down.
51:47
[SPEAKER_08]: No sur.
51:49
[SPEAKER_08]: No sur.
51:49
[SPEAKER_08]: You just had a praying grandmother as the song says.
51:52
[SPEAKER_08]: Somebody praise you through this.
51:53
[SPEAKER_08]: You will cover it.
51:55
[SPEAKER_08]: like some of the foolish things I've done, I honestly give credit to those that loved me enough to intercede on my behavior because I had nothing to do with it.
52:05
[SPEAKER_08]: And to this day, like even my wife, man, if it wasn't, it's certain that he's right now in 2026.
52:13
[SPEAKER_08]: I'll be on the brink.
52:14
[SPEAKER_08]: I see it like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
52:39
[SPEAKER_05]: I think it's a life hack that has somebody that can understand you and be, be there for you in that way.
52:48
[SPEAKER_05]: I think the challenge a lot of my relationship was not allowing them to be there for me that way.
52:58
[SPEAKER_05]: So the message is, guys, don't be like me.
52:59
[SPEAKER_05]: That's the more of this conversation.
53:01
[SPEAKER_05]: I hope everybody got something from a got you thinking, not necessarily thinking like us.
53:08
[SPEAKER_05]: Well, I challenge everybody to release somebody that you have figuratively or physically shackled, like something you haven't let go of some conversation that you've avoided and definitely done.
53:20
[SPEAKER_05]: And had that conversation because it is draining your energy, your mental space as well, to hold somebody in a space that they probably don't even know they had that conversation.
53:38
[SPEAKER_05]: I can't wait to hear this.
53:40
[SPEAKER_08]: So you publicly said, I love you, brother.
53:42
[SPEAKER_08]: I can't wait to hear this.
53:44
[SPEAKER_08]: Only God know what this young brother from this day on this microphone.
53:47
[SPEAKER_10]: First of all, give it another guy.
53:49
[SPEAKER_10]: The head of my life.
53:50
[SPEAKER_10]: The head of my life has to be in my family.
53:54
[SPEAKER_10]: What a big forgiveness.
53:55
[SPEAKER_10]: Please forgive me.
53:56
[SPEAKER_10]: First of all, I love the conversation about shackles and speaking about it, remarkably speaking,
54:05
[SPEAKER_10]: At home, I'm shaving this bottle here.
54:07
[SPEAKER_10]: I watch my wife do her makeup.
54:09
[SPEAKER_10]: And we were having a conversation about whether you allow life's obstacles to make you a continuous victim.
54:18
[SPEAKER_10]: And that defining moment when you decide that I'm not gonna be a victim anymore.
54:22
[SPEAKER_10]: You know, we were both speaking about our moms and how they were our heroes growing up, but they allowed some defining moments in life to define them.
54:33
[SPEAKER_10]: and their actual existence.
54:37
[SPEAKER_10]: And how they allowed some skills to be, to be seen in the beginning.
54:42
[SPEAKER_10]: My mom was my hero coming up.
54:44
[SPEAKER_10]: I watched her do it all, watched her work, cooked, clean, parents, the children, while still finding a way to make ends meet.
54:53
[SPEAKER_10]: I mean, so, but then a certain thing happened later on in life that just made her give up.
55:00
[SPEAKER_10]: and then I watched that happen.
55:01
[SPEAKER_10]: And now much like your day is house fire.
55:05
[SPEAKER_10]: I find myself telling my wife and I'm very frustrated.
55:09
[SPEAKER_10]: Is there difficult raising parents?
55:11
[SPEAKER_10]: But, you know how, the some of the shackles that they have, that they're experiencing.
55:18
[SPEAKER_10]: we can't break them on our own, right?
55:20
[SPEAKER_10]: So thankfully, we have individuals that are able to grab our heads and say, oh, wait, watch out now.
55:27
[SPEAKER_10]: Or we do have people that say, you're gonna lift it, go down like this?
55:31
[SPEAKER_10]: Yeah.
55:31
[SPEAKER_10]: Because every night again, you just got to crash on that.
55:35
[SPEAKER_10]: You know, no sir, no sir?
55:37
[SPEAKER_10]: No sir?
55:38
[SPEAKER_10]: Yes, you know sir.
55:39
[SPEAKER_08]: I'm gonna review that.
55:40
[SPEAKER_10]: I'm gonna review that.
55:41
[SPEAKER_10]: No sir, buy it.
55:42
[SPEAKER_10]: It has to look.
55:43
[SPEAKER_10]: God, he knows my heart.
55:46
[SPEAKER_10]: He knows my heart, you got to do it in a direct way because you have to be disruptive with some things.
55:52
[SPEAKER_05]: This, first of all.
55:53
[SPEAKER_05]: Yes.
55:53
[SPEAKER_10]: Yes, but you see it crashed.
55:54
[SPEAKER_10]: That's what I mean when I say crash.
55:56
[SPEAKER_05]: No, sir.
55:56
[SPEAKER_10]: Oh, yeah.
55:57
[SPEAKER_10]: You got to be disruptive.
55:58
[SPEAKER_10]: You got the ranch on that.
55:59
[SPEAKER_10]: Just a little bit.
56:01
[SPEAKER_10]: Just, it is necessary in order to break some of these things to some of these cycles.
56:05
[SPEAKER_10]: They're not just going to go away, but I just talking about them.
56:07
[SPEAKER_10]: They're not just going to go away about saying, let's have happy feelings.
56:11
[SPEAKER_10]: Some of these things we literally have to go to war with.
56:14
[SPEAKER_10]: Certainly and sitting here here in the different things and the different the different topics where someone is like Hey, look, I feel like I'm shackled because My mom still just won't hear me out For how I feel Don't take a little disruptiveness and they crash on out maybe hey mom.
56:33
[SPEAKER_10]: I love you.
56:34
[SPEAKER_10]: I guess what I got caught you back
56:36
[SPEAKER_10]: I can't have this conversation with you today, or hey, look, I'm all able to talk to you for five minutes at a time.
56:40
[SPEAKER_08]: That's okay.
56:41
[SPEAKER_08]: Yeah, that's all right.
56:42
[SPEAKER_10]: Yeah, that's the, that's the crash out.
56:44
[SPEAKER_08]: Yeah.
56:45
[SPEAKER_10]: Um, and we all have to get to a point where we understand that breaking those chacos and breaking those cycles mean.
56:52
[SPEAKER_10]: I don't care who I lose in life today.
56:53
[SPEAKER_10]: It just won't be me.
56:55
[SPEAKER_10]: Boy, you understand me?
56:57
[SPEAKER_10]: And, hey, man, that's where we are.
57:00
[SPEAKER_10]: That's what I got from what you guys spoke about today.
57:03
[SPEAKER_10]: It is very reflective in my life.
57:05
[SPEAKER_10]: It's reflective in my marriages, respected in my home.
57:08
[SPEAKER_10]: It is reflected in how I parent my children.
57:11
[SPEAKER_10]: because, you know, just something about their second born.
57:13
[SPEAKER_10]: I don't know what it is about them, Lord Jesus.
57:15
[SPEAKER_11]: You know what I'm saying?
57:16
[SPEAKER_10]: Dad, they aren't the captains of the crash.
57:18
[SPEAKER_10]: Show them that.
57:18
[SPEAKER_10]: It's quiet, you know what I'm saying?
57:20
[SPEAKER_10]: Oh.
57:21
[SPEAKER_10]: But nonetheless, thank you.
57:23
[SPEAKER_10]: Thank you to the dear son, show.
57:24
[SPEAKER_10]: Thank you to your son, podcast.
57:27
[SPEAKER_10]: Thank you to the foundational efforts that have been put in place by all that you guys do.
57:32
[SPEAKER_10]: Tonight has been wonderful.
57:33
[SPEAKER_10]: Thank you so much to the people who have spoken about what they've been building, what they've felt, what they've thought from the institutionalized individuals.
57:40
[SPEAKER_10]: who managed to stand here today and have a free mind to the individuals that have suffered from the childhood trauma and feeling like their words and their voices are not heard, but they were definitely heard because there's a place where you hear the dear son that work.
57:54
[SPEAKER_11]: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
58:05
[SPEAKER_10]: But anyway, thank you guys for all of that and for allowing us to all have a voice, um, and uh, but we all be shuckin' a little more.
58:12
[SPEAKER_05]: Dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, that's gonna do it for this episode.
58:15
[SPEAKER_05]: We appreciate your guys, God bless you, Pete.
58:16
[SPEAKER_05]: Peace.