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That Mask Has a Butthole | Conan the Barbarian (2011) · Potato Chip Pictures - A Podcast

0:00
There's just so much to talk about in Conan the remake.
0:05
And this is a legitimate remake. Like this was someone taking a
0:11
crack at the first movie, Just being like, I see the vision of
0:16
the first one, but I don't think they did it very well.
0:18
I'm going to do it my own way. And there are some parts where
0:23
I'm like, that was exceptional. And then there are other parts
0:26
where I'm like oof oof oof. Yeah, how about second to third
0:32
actor? There's this one spot where it's
0:35
like, Dang, you guys lost all of the momentum of me enjoying this
0:40
movie. I don't I don't want I don't
0:45
need to know as much about evil women.
0:51
Marik. Oh yeah, yeah, and she just
0:56
wants to talk and the Tamara is just got to sit in there stone
1:02
face and I'm like, yeah, same. Like I don't really don't really
1:07
care when Tamara in her in her time is like that's a little
1:13
weird that she's like, yeah, I'm OK to die.
1:15
Like wait, I'm lost. Who's motivated to not die here?
1:22
Everybody just wants to die. Apparently.
1:26
Yeah. And I, you know, one of the
1:30
things that that genuinely bothered me is I would have
1:34
liked to hear Aquaman say that what is best in life is to crush
1:41
your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the
1:44
lamentation of their women. Like, come on it.
1:48
Could have been, yeah. They could have used a couple of
1:52
throwbacks, and I feel like there was one or two lines only
1:58
that felt like they were calling back to Arnold's Conan.
2:05
But I could not. I didn't really recognize it
2:07
specifically as a line from one of the movies.
2:11
Yeah, Oh, man, the star power in this thing.
2:15
All right, well, since we want to talk about it so bad, let's
2:19
go ahead. And take it.
2:31
I mean, if it could be, there is one disappointing part where
2:41
Tamara kicks the one lady and says die.
2:46
Oh, I'm like, oh man, that's not great.
2:51
Like that's just, I don't know, Is that direction?
2:55
Is that script? Is that just the you've pushed
2:59
the rock up the hill? At this point, you can't really
3:01
do anything else but kick her off the edge.
3:04
Say die OK? I'm realizing I don't remember
3:10
most of this movie. I'm sitting here like, who is
3:13
Tamara? Is that?
3:16
Is that the wizard lady? That's the main lady, That's the
3:21
good lady. Oh, she's the good.
3:23
Lady. Or I want to say Tamara, but I
3:27
don't know what anybody really said.
3:28
Her name? Well, that's what I'm seeing on
3:32
the cast list is someone named Tamara.
3:35
Tamara. I remember.
3:37
Yeah. Who knows?
3:38
I Yeah. Tamara sounds like I'm more real
3:43
name but I'm trying to remember who was the witch lady.
3:49
Marie is the witch. Lady Rose McGowan.
3:53
That's right, with no eyebrows. Yeah, I did had to look up and
3:57
be like, oh, she's from Charmed. I think that's the only place I
4:01
know her from. I think that's like barely.
4:05
Yeah, I think this is going to be an interesting one to talk
4:08
about because it's been a little while since I've watched it and
4:11
I'm like, oh boy, I won't remember a lot of this movie, so
4:15
let's dive in. Yeah, it's I I think I had the
4:23
same complaint about what the 1st or maybe it was the second
4:27
Conan. The fight scenes are kind of
4:34
just apparent they happen without necessarily doing much
4:38
besides people getting cut up, people dying.
4:43
But I do think this movie does a better job at giving us a little
4:48
bit to care about and having a couple of steaks that aren't
4:53
aren't kind of immediately dashed by the fact that this is
4:56
just like a the old Conan's were DND adventure.
5:00
Like, didn't expect anyone to really die, but in this one
5:05
people die and I feel like that's consequential.
5:09
It is a roller coaster of of deciding whether I like this
5:13
movie or not. Well, let's let's board this
5:17
roller coaster because I still haven't said hello or introduce
5:20
this thing. Hello and welcome to Potato Chip
5:25
Pictures, the movie franchise review podcast.
5:29
My name is B Sammy Davis. Hello again, I'm still Justin.
5:34
And today we are looking at the 3rd and final Conan movie, 20
5:40
Elevens, Conan the Barbarian starring Jason Momoa, directed
5:46
by Marcus Nispell, written by Thomas Dean Donnelly, Joshua
5:52
Oppenheimer and Sean Wood. This one had the largest budget
5:58
in the franchise, but that's to be expected for over well almost
6:05
30 years later, $90,000,000 on the budget, it returned $63.5
6:12
million. Yeah, this was a legitimate
6:17
loss. By comparison, 1984's Conan the
6:23
The Destroyer, the second movie, the PG13 or PG movie, I can't
6:28
remember, the one that toned it down a bunch.
6:32
That one returned 61.1 million against a budget of 18,000,000.
6:37
This one has done 2.4 million better than the previous one and
6:44
they lost a lot of money doing it.
6:46
Yeah, I you, man, you saying that number and it's like, where
6:52
did the money go? There's no big giant name in
6:56
this like because I don't think. Oh see, I was about to start
7:02
like rattling off some of the huge names in this thing.
7:06
I mean, you're going to have to explain the context, because
7:08
who? Morgan Freeman, the narrator is
7:12
he's like probably the biggest name I know, but he's still such
7:17
a big name actor. They had to pay for him.
7:20
It's. True, but come on, I.
7:22
And then at the very beginning of the movie, you get Ron
7:27
Perlman for a he's, well, I guess he's in a few.
7:31
He's. He's more than just the very
7:34
beginning. It's his wife who's only the
7:36
very beginning and I don't even remember who his wife was, but
7:39
at the time I was like, wait, isn't she a big deal actress
7:42
too? And she's only in it for this
7:44
one scene like. I don't know.
7:49
Yeah, and I'm not. I was going to say, I'm not
7:52
seeing anything that says what her name is now.
7:57
Shockingly, the probably the cheapest person in this movie
8:01
might have been Jason Momoa, who was just coming out of Game of
8:06
Thrones. But I, you know, when they were
8:08
making this movie, I don't think anybody knew how much of a hit
8:11
Game of Thrones was going to be. Like he was a nobody actor.
8:15
Nobody knew who Jason Momoa was before the beginning of 2011.
8:22
Yeah, interesting. I'm trying to think of yeah,
8:28
like when 2011. Yeah, that was the same year
8:34
Game of Thrones came out, but it came out at the beginning of the
8:38
year, and then this one came out in August, which frankly should
8:43
have made it a hit because by that point everybody was in love
8:47
with Cal Drago. Yeah, interesting.
8:52
I do think maybe the Conan name even in 2011 didn't carry very
8:57
much artistic notion or or popular notion because it's it's
9:03
kind of just a sword and board adventure.
9:06
And even then he doesn't really have a shield most of the time.
9:09
Yeah. That's because he's a barbarian.
9:14
He gets a lot of costume changes for this movie, wearing a lot of
9:20
different armor throughout this whole adventure.
9:22
Like he is my Diablo 4 character.
9:26
When I don't go to the closet and set a look and I'm just
9:30
putting on a new piece of armor. That tracks well.
9:38
And then the last two that I'm going to point out are Rose
9:41
McGowan and Stephen Lang. Those are the two other kind of
9:45
big names. Stephen Lang was the main
9:47
villain, and he usually plays bad guys.
9:52
He was in the Avatar, not the cartoon version.
9:59
Yeah. Great hair guy.
10:02
White hair guy. So usually like a military type
10:06
bad guy. I don't think he was very good
10:08
casting for this movie. I don't think he did a great job
10:11
as the villain, but he was still at this time probably a bigger
10:16
name actor than Jason Momoa. Like, yeah, I could see that.
10:20
I think there's all the trappings of a made for TV
10:24
movie. Yeah, I can.
10:30
I can see that. I'm fine with that comparison.
10:34
This might have done better. As there's there's fine made for
10:38
TV movies, and then there's there's ones that should have
10:42
been because it just feels you want to suspend your disbelief
10:51
as much as the other Conan. So it's like, OK, there's a a
10:55
mirror fight in the second one and the monster is damaged if
11:03
you do this or that. And it's like, OK, like, OK,
11:06
there's gonna be magic in this one, but it kind of just is
11:12
fighting in blood. There's a couple of good magical
11:16
scenes, but it just feels like the undreamed of time the.
11:23
Like. But just seems like it's Earth.
11:26
Like, maybe it's Middle Earth, but it's not too fantastical.
11:33
Yeah, they I think they did try to go for quote UN quote
11:39
realism. I think that I my big picture
11:44
take away is going to be that I like the sets and locations
11:49
there. There are some shots in this
11:52
movie that are far prettier than this movie deserves and some
11:57
locations that really tickle the mind where you're like, wow,
12:00
that's a real place that someone found like that's cool.
12:05
And then I'm going to say this might be a really good return to
12:12
form. I'm glad that we had an R rated
12:14
Conan movie. I look, it's not that I'm glad
12:19
that I got to see a bunch of boobs everywhere.
12:21
I'm just glad that we are in a time period where boobs are
12:25
everywhere. Like that's how the very first
12:28
movie felt. That's how this movie feels like
12:31
it's returning to. But there's also the violence
12:35
and all this stuff. But then my biggest criticism,
12:39
my biggest thing that I was like, they really messed up on
12:43
this part for the last two movies.
12:46
And I don't know anything about the books, but I have to imagine
12:48
it's similar. Conan assembles a team like he
12:54
doesn't fight alone. He knows the value of having
12:57
people to support him. Yeah.
13:00
And in this one, he's constantly like, I'm doing this alone.
13:03
Get out of my way. Yep.
13:05
Yeah. Yeah, that's a change.
13:09
Yeah, I would agree both both ways are are the pros and cons
13:13
of coming back to lots of blood and dismemberment and like a
13:21
barbaric time. I think they they managed to
13:24
capture I I do think it's a little odd that most of the bad
13:34
guys are like guttural noises, like Neanderthal type bad guys.
13:44
But I'm looking through the cast and I see Nathan Jones.
13:48
He played a Coon. He's this big ginger.
13:53
I think he's like 6-8 or something.
13:55
He's huge and he's usually hired because of how big he is.
13:58
But I'm pretty sure in this movie all he did was it's like
14:05
all he ever does. Yeah.
14:08
And so I think it's it's nice to be in a barbaric setting, but I
14:15
think, yeah, not having a team to help him out, the one guy
14:19
that he does team up with, he's constant.
14:21
Once he's like, oh, you know, you know where to find me.
14:25
It it feels like a cost saving measure.
14:28
We don't have to have too many people.
14:31
In the chat. So we'll, we'll just have like 3
14:34
people in this shop and then we don't have to worry about paying
14:37
as many. Yeah, I'm most excited to talk
14:41
about the beginning because I feel like you and I had
14:46
radically different takeaways from the beginning.
14:49
Well, let me go first, so then you can be happy about it
14:52
because it's just jarring to go from the narration of Morgan
15:02
Freeman kind of setting the setting the stage of everything
15:06
that we should expect to see in AII Assume the baby is, what's
15:19
the word, like an infant that's not yet born, but apparently
15:23
just about ready to be born. Yeah, I don't.
15:29
I don't know if there's a word for it.
15:30
I was about to say premature I. Was like I guess.
15:33
You could argue that this baby was born and premature, but I.
15:38
Guess it's. Hard to to not have a baby when
15:41
you're in the middle of battle. She she gets stabbed, she knows
15:45
she's going to die. She gets her husband, Ron
15:48
Perlman, to perform an immediate, immediate emergency
15:53
C-section and show her her baby because she doesn't want to die
15:59
without seeing it. And that was just really awkward
16:04
for for my viewing. I'm like, OK, I'm glad that she
16:10
wants to see her baby because they're on the battlefield, but
16:14
I feel like that's just too far fetched for me to believe.
16:25
Oh, I was so fine with it. I was so fine with it because
16:29
like, why not? Why not like introduce our
16:32
character as being born in ultraviolence.
16:35
Like I guess when the mom gets stabbed the sword I think Nicks
16:40
the the baby like that. Yeah.
16:45
So I'll admit it wasn't great. It really like this was probably
16:51
the weakest part of the strongest part of the movie for
16:53
me, the actual birth. But childhood I loved.
16:59
I was like, wow, I actually like Baby Conan.
17:04
Yeah, I think I where we disagree at the beginning
17:08
because Brown promo lifts him up in like Lion King fashion.
17:12
It's like opening title credit like OK, that that is Conan the
17:19
the interactions of the father and son is pretty good and sets
17:24
up a nice loss like later. But I do.
17:30
I couldn't shake the silliness of the iron making or steel
17:36
foraging when the secret of the steel is that we use ice and
17:43
heat at the same time. And it just kept coming as
17:49
rookie of the year and saying hot ice.
17:53
It's just too, too far. Father and son is great.
17:58
I end up loving it because it becomes tragic, but man.
18:03
My further beef with the fire and ice is that they never
18:07
resolve this. There is never a time where
18:10
Conan demonstrates an ability to be cool like he is all fire for
18:15
the rest of the movie. And he even calls back to his
18:18
dad saying something like the balance is fire and ice.
18:22
And then he proceeds to only be fire again.
18:25
And it's like so you I've never figured it out.
18:29
My sheer luck. You don't have to be ice this
18:32
time. Maybe the next movie I will be
18:35
in the next. Movie I OK My biggest beef with
18:42
1982's Conan the Barbarian is that child Conan looked brain
18:48
dead for the entire beginning of the movie.
18:51
He looked confused and bewildered.
18:54
Shocked. Yeah.
18:55
Like mom, why is your head on the ground?
18:58
It's supposed to be on on your shoulders.
19:00
That's so weird. Why am I pushing this wheel for
19:03
20 years? That's so weird.
19:05
Why is this guy trying to kill me in a pit?
19:08
That's so weird. Like, he is the dumbest
19:11
character in all of cinema. And to see a Conan who is not an
19:21
idiot as a child, like, oh, man, that made me happy.
19:26
And he's brave and he's willing to go, you know, go out on the
19:29
hunt and keep his egg protected. Like, yeah, I, I really enjoyed
19:38
childhood Conan and I enjoyed the invasion of his village.
19:46
I liked that the kind Kamarians, I think they're pronounced
19:50
Sumerians in this movie. Yeah.
19:54
The Sumerians in this movie are guardians of some piece of a
20:01
mask. And so they, there is a reason
20:05
that our big bad is attacking as opposed to 1982 when it's just
20:11
what he does. That's just why what happens?
20:15
I just invade, Yeah, I think the mask doesn't quite pay off all
20:21
the way. Not even a little bit.
20:24
Yeah, it's like, if we go that far, it's nice that there's a
20:27
context, but man, does collecting the mask just fall
20:31
flat by the end and fall flat at the beginning because we'll go
20:37
with the. The scene that I enjoy is that
20:41
after all of this and Conan has tried to fight and save his dad,
20:46
like, they both get captured and tragically, Conan has is trying
20:52
to save his dad, but his dad, yeah, sacrifices himself.
20:55
And it's like, this is where oh, C-section way down like.
21:00
Uh, this is the. Worst movie I've ever seen.
21:03
And then they build it back up with them.
21:07
Conan proving himself to his dad, his dad still kind of being
21:10
like, ah, you're too young for this sword.
21:13
And then Conan and him having to have their goodbye.
21:19
Yeah, have her goodbye. And Conan doesn't get killed by
21:23
the Reagan party, which was kind of like, they set it up to be
21:28
like a, oh, your father's gonna die unless you hold this thing
21:32
And like, but that leaves Conan alive.
21:36
Like whether or not he saves his dad, why did you want to leave
21:40
him alive? Like there wasn't anything
21:42
threatening Conan. And they didn't even take him as
21:45
a slave this time. But you know, I'm going to say
21:49
genuinely fine acting between Ron Perlman and I guess the
21:54
actor's name is Leo Howard, the one who played KID Conan.
22:00
I think the two of them had a really good scene with the death
22:06
of the father. And I also feel like that was
22:10
the death of the movie, because like then the movie loses me for
22:14
the rest of the runtime. Yeah.
22:19
I mean, there's some good pieces that I, I, I like as a concept.
22:26
As an execution, not quite as much, but yeah, it's mostly
22:31
downhill for the rest of for the rest of it.
22:36
I feel like everyone around Jason Momoa is really doing
22:43
their best with the material they have.
22:46
And Jason Momoa isn't an actor yet.
22:50
Like he's been acting for maybe 2 decades because he got started
22:54
as like a teenager doing some stuff and then he went into
22:59
hockey and only did like a little bit of acting while he
23:02
was a hockey player. And then when he got his big
23:06
break in Game of Thrones, that's when he dedicated himself.
23:10
I think that's when he went full time as an actor.
23:12
But he was still just a guy who was like I'm pretty and I got
23:16
muscles. Like that's that's why I'm on
23:18
camera, because I'm pretty and that.
23:21
Worked for Arnold. And but I don't think he's got
23:28
no, no there. He tries to do this growling
23:30
thing and I it doesn't work for me.
23:33
He does the Elon Musk down his nose stair where like he puts
23:37
his head slightly down and looks up through his eyebrow hairs
23:42
and. Does that.
23:44
Work for me, yes. Yeah.
23:47
And that's his barbarian range. And I'm just like, oof, oof.
23:52
And his best friend who's, you know, in the scene where we're
23:56
introduced to him with I'm like, all right, I like this actor.
24:01
I'm going to have a good time with him.
24:02
And then he's not in the rest of the movie.
24:04
He shows up one more time in the movie.
24:06
I was so mad. He's the transport help, but he
24:10
can't help Conan in any other way.
24:13
Nope, he's done after that. Yeah, I mean, so I guess first
24:19
act it's all Conan growing up and losing his dad, gaining a
24:26
revenge plot and then we get Morgan Freeman again.
24:30
I was not expecting. So we really we get a prologue
24:34
to he's. Expensive.
24:36
They need to be using as much Morgan Freeman as possible.
24:40
Yeah, before we get to the actual plot.
24:44
He was so bad for this movie like.
24:47
Yeah, I would agree. I think I'm, I, I am a genuine
24:51
fan of Morgan Freeman. I like a lot of the stuff that
24:55
he's in. I feel like there were two
24:58
narration parts that detract from the movie, this being one
25:03
of them. And then the Tom Cruise War of
25:05
the Worlds with Morgan Freeman narrating.
25:08
I think both of those just pull me out of the movie and I'm just
25:11
like, that was the the wrong choice.
25:14
Wrong choice. Great actor, should have been
25:16
anything but the narrator. Yeah, yeah, I guess.
25:22
Where does it get better 'cause we, we, we get introduced to
25:29
this mask that is going to enslave the world.
25:34
And then we're only like 1/4 of the way into the movie by the
25:38
time that the last Shard of the mask has been found.
25:43
And the bad guys like, oh, actually we're just halfway
25:46
done. We need to find someone that has
25:49
pure blood. And apparently that takes
25:52
another 20 years. Yeah, Oh my gosh.
25:55
Because like, so I, I was just reading the wiki to remember
26:00
what the plot is and we're like 20 years later, he gets a lead
26:04
as to where his father's murderer is.
26:08
And that's an act accident. Like he raids some slaver camp,
26:14
frees all of the people and they're having this party.
26:17
And then just accidentally, some dude is sneaking around and he
26:23
grabs the dude and he's like, hey, tell me everything you
26:25
know. And he's like, I happen to know
26:27
about this guy. You want to find you bit his
26:29
nose off when you were a kid. And I know where he is.
26:31
And like that starts the he was never looking for his father's
26:36
murderer. It was pure accident.
26:40
Yeah, and even that is a little feels contradictory because he
26:49
when he's talking to the one friend of him, he does say like
26:54
the guy said something like the man you're searching for.
26:57
And it's like, well, it doesn't seem like that's his main
27:00
purpose. And then they, it feels like
27:06
he's talking about that man is he's gone into hiding.
27:10
I can't find him. But then the they think that
27:15
when they hear the name, they're like, but that's like a king.
27:18
And I'm like, what is it? He's not in hiding at all.
27:22
He's living a very public life as the leader of this this
27:26
group. The lore, if we would take it
27:30
that way, and the geography are difficulties for me in this
27:36
movie. Every every place seems to be 20
27:40
minutes away from the other one and every every fact of the
27:48
world seems subject to. Do we need to know this or do we
27:53
need to pass over this? Because why does the bad guy
27:59
travel with a ship carried by elephants?
28:03
I don't think that's explained and it.
28:06
Just looks cool. It just looks cool.
28:09
Like that's that's it. That's the only reason they it
28:12
is not explained. It's he's not even a seafaring
28:16
person. He doesn't live near the coast.
28:18
Like why is ship? Yeah, he just has one.
28:24
So yeah, where we kind of, what would you say, are disappointed
28:31
when Underworld changes the lore?
28:35
This one doesn't even want to set it in stone in the movie
28:39
that it's remaking. Whatever.
28:40
It wants this one is like there's Sumerians and there's a
28:44
mask and just just go with it. Guys, just let us let us tell
28:49
this story. Just go with it.
28:51
There are places that are supposed to be similar to our
28:55
real world earth because you know, this is set pre bought
29:03
Bronze Age and we don't have a lot of records from the Bronze
29:06
Age. Most of what we know about the
29:08
Bronze Age are things that magically survived in the into
29:13
the classical age. But the Bronze Age also had
29:18
legends of the Stone Age. And I feel like Conan wants to
29:22
be either Stone Age or Bronze Age, but a time when magic was a
29:27
thing. And but yet they also have
29:30
steel, something that won't be discovered for millennia, but
29:34
they have it now in Samaria. It's it's whatever, what it's,
29:41
it's, I've always been like, OK, whatever.
29:44
It's just some dudes fantasy of the past and I'll just live with
29:48
that. But it is meant to be our earth,
29:53
which makes it a little confusing because you'll see,
29:56
you know, people who look like Mongolians with people who were
30:02
half a world away and never would have interacted.
30:07
Yeah, yeah, I think it's what is the best part about even the
30:20
first bit, because they, the kid, Conan, dad tragedy finding
30:27
the trail again. There's a little bit of torture
30:30
that the guy puts his new friend through and he gets the guy that
30:36
he cut off the nose of to get more information out of him
30:40
such. A wimp because he like
30:42
immediately gives up everything he knows.
30:46
Everything, everything he knows, and then he gets killed for it,
30:51
which I do. I do think maybe there's a nice
30:55
Gray area of Conan is a barbarian, not a, like, warrior
31:00
monk. He's not going to be like, oh, I
31:03
spare you. Yeah.
31:05
He's a barbarian. He's a rage and murder machine.
31:09
I think that gives leeway for the way he can go about things,
31:14
but I feel like he could have maybe held a better dynamic with
31:20
making a party that may not agree with just doing whatever
31:25
he wants to to make the vengeance happen.
31:34
Yeah. Well, he learns about the he
31:41
learns about Tamara the the monk who is of a pure bloodline.
31:47
And so we then we go to the monks and there's this old dude
31:53
surrounding himself with beautiful women, but he's a good
31:57
guy because he's telling them all what their their future
32:00
holds. And then Zim Calar Zim, our main
32:06
villain, shows up with his army and it it turns into a whole
32:10
thing. I don't remember anything about
32:16
Remo except that at the time I was playing one of the Middle
32:21
Earth video games. He was either Shadow of War or
32:25
Shadow of Mordor. And I just remember thinking
32:29
that the guy who played Remo, the one who chased after Conan
32:32
and Tamara, I thought he looked like an orc.
32:37
I was like, I, I think he looks like he could be in one of those
32:40
Middle Earth games. Yeah, I think he was was around
32:45
that feel. But you know, he's he's another
32:50
one of the hench men who's going to get tortured a little bit and
32:54
then immediately killed. I, I with this one, I thought
32:57
there was going to be a bit more story.
32:59
I thought he was going to be like, oh, I'll join you.
33:02
I'll be on your side. And then, you know, several
33:05
scenes later, yeah, he'll betrayed A turncoat.
33:08
But no, he gets killed immediately.
33:10
Like we're not taking any risks. With the catapult, right, he's.
33:15
Fired back into the straight. Straight into the.
33:18
Ship the ship. That's right.
33:19
Yeah, that was like that right? There was maybe the last time we
33:23
see the ship, but it was also why.
33:26
Why does he have a catapult? Yeah, the catapult was oh, we
33:33
just found this on the on the side of the Cliff where they.
33:36
Are I'm sure it made sense in the moment.
33:38
I just, I'm just sitting here thinking like, where'd it come
33:41
from? In the second Conan movie, there
33:44
was a lot of convenience forsake of the plot.
33:49
Where, oh, Conan's going to go down this path in the woods and
33:53
guess what? Our narrator is there about to
33:56
get roasted alive. But we found it in 10 seconds.
34:00
So good we can keep progressing with the story.
34:03
Yeah. Yeah, so Conan stumbles onto the
34:09
pure blood that's escaped the city that the bad guy came into.
34:15
Yeah, and they have. Providentially, he finds her.
34:19
And they just have a terrible romance for the rest of the
34:23
movie where they hate each other until suddenly they love each
34:27
other and I don't know why. Like.
34:30
And then she she'll leave him because he has to do his own
34:34
thing. OK, that's that matches with the
34:37
end of Arnold's Conan. OK, I can take that as a we have
34:42
to leave Conan to his adventures.
34:44
I do want to highlight that I of all the wardrobe changes, the
34:49
carriage ride, left arm, chain link, leather armor, probably my
34:55
favorite thing I'll. Of the I'll agree there.
34:59
I think the chain link is probably the coolest one because
35:04
it's several scenes later that we get to my least favorite one,
35:08
the one that looks like it's made of foam and it's like
35:11
layers on top of each other, like ABS.
35:15
Yeah. And that never seems to fit
35:18
right. Like it feels like it's moving
35:20
forward or backwards at any time.
35:22
And you're just like just someone straighten it.
35:24
Like, why did they put this on him?
35:27
He looked so dumb. Yeah.
35:30
But this scene, you know, it's, it's a fun, the early teen, 20
35:36
teens action sequence we got. I think we get the carriage flip
35:44
at some point. Yeah, at some point and that was
35:47
they disband everything. Yeah, that was a pretty hot
35:51
commodity around this time. I don't remember what year A
35:55
Night's Tale came out, but I'm pretty sure that also had a a
35:58
carriage flip that was pretty fantastic to look at.
36:01
I did look up to see when did Bourne Identity come out because
36:05
man, the shaky Cam in the first little way back in the first act
36:09
made it feel like, oh this is a lot of handheld shaky Cam.
36:15
Oh yeah, Oh yeah, I'm trying to see.
36:22
Well, so right to where we are, she's the pure blood.
36:27
Zim knows that she's gone away, but Remo is taking care of
36:30
finding her. Well, and she also doesn't
36:32
believe that she is a pure blood because when Remo shows up,
36:36
she's like you're you're crazy, like those don't exist.
36:41
I like that. I like that she does not believe
36:47
like she's just like you guys are so mistaken, like, but you
36:52
got the wrong girl, even though they've got the right girl.
36:57
And and it turns out I I do like that she's like, I'm innocent,
37:02
leave me alone. Like, go away.
37:06
Yeah, they managed to surprise and take down Remo, I guess, but
37:14
Conan's all like, making sure that she's tied up so that he
37:19
can interrogate her and find out more.
37:24
And it it is the beginning of, yeah, not a, not a good romance.
37:30
It's like, it's like that miscommunication type of trope,
37:36
except they were never really trying to be a teen.
37:41
Yeah, they have. She kind of just tags along.
37:43
Yeah, She she has a knife. She.
37:46
Genuinely does, because when they finally meet back up with
37:49
Conan's friend once again, Conan's like, I'm going to go
37:53
alone. That's what I always do.
37:55
And she's like, and I'm coming too and she comes later.
37:59
Like, why? Like, why are you going into
38:01
danger? Like, you know, the bad guys
38:04
want you and so you're going to go with Conan to the bad guys.
38:09
Like such a dumb choice but but we get a tentacle monster out of
38:13
it and that's fun. Yeah, it, it seemed a little
38:19
cool. Seemed a little like, oh, he's
38:21
got to get trapped so that the tentacle monster eats a
38:25
different person, but his friend is still in danger.
38:29
Yeah, not a great part. And it's I need to it's fine my
38:33
notes to be sure like. I'm just glad that there is a
38:37
monster in the movie because the closest we've had to magic is I
38:44
think Rose McGowan with her shaved eyebrows, but all she
38:49
does is creepy stuff like lick her Freddy Krueger claws and
38:56
this and sniff people. Like she's really into sniffing
39:00
people. They might smell like magic.
39:06
So we haven't had much in the way of actual fantasy.
39:10
And then, you know, getting a tentacle monster is cool.
39:14
Like at least we got a monster out of this thing.
39:19
Yeah, the sparse notes that I took of the things that I liked
39:28
are the fact that there is like a main villain meet and fight
39:35
after he Conan, has captured the pure blood, where the villain
39:41
gets to see, oh, this is actually the boy that I left for
39:43
dead before that Conan does meet Remo and knows this guy and
39:51
fights and beats them and where it's like, oh, the hench men
39:54
were confronted and died before the main villain.
39:58
We've taken care of all of the hench men like.
40:01
Well, there's a couple of, but we got to know we got.
40:06
The orc like there's there are others who were there on the
40:09
day, but you know, at least we've got revenge happening
40:13
earlier in the movie as opposed to 1982 when revenge happened at
40:18
the end of the movie. I like this.
40:22
The magical sand monster. Bad guys, I thought that was.
40:27
Oh yeah, I forgot all about that.
40:29
That was, That was OK. That was, that was pretty fun.
40:32
That was. It was fun.
40:34
That's The thing is like it was sword fun, fighting fun.
40:39
Actual magic. They had more blood if they
40:41
weren't made. Yeah, actual magic.
40:43
If they weren't made of sand, they would be more blood.
40:45
But the only thing that I was like, this is confusing was the
40:48
fact that he could kill them 'cause I was like, yeah, sand.
40:52
They can reconstitute. Why?
40:55
Why is she stopping sending sand dudes Adam?
41:00
Apparently not. Yeah.
41:01
They they can be killed just like mudkips in D&D, like I.
41:06
Did kind of want the villains back story of his witch wife to
41:12
be somewhat like lichens in Underworld.
41:15
Like, actually, he's just trying to get back a person that he
41:19
loved. But I'm.
41:21
I'm sure that she was evil, too. Yeah.
41:23
But does it seem like it could? We don't, we don't get even a
41:26
hint of what the wife was like because like as the possession
41:31
is happening, like it ends. And so we, there's never a point
41:36
where we get to see what the, the threat was like.
41:39
Why do we have to stop this dude from bringing back his wife?
41:43
I guess because he wants to put her soul in the body of someone
41:46
Conan likes. I guess that's that's the only
41:50
reason, Yeah, but that's the short list of the things that I
41:57
was possibly enjoying. I've, I had completely forgotten
42:02
about the sand fight and despite the things that I, you know,
42:08
it's not perfect, but it's fun and I had forgotten that that
42:12
was genuinely a moment in the movie where I was back to having
42:17
fun. So I got to give the movie its
42:20
credit it, you know, it was, it was better than just the
42:23
childhood. Like there were the sand
42:25
monsters and that was fun too. Yeah, that that's where there's
42:32
only a couple of those bits that make it get some momentum right
42:39
before Tamara gets captured and then kind of doesn't really care
42:45
if she's going to die or not. And I don't like Zim's castle.
42:52
I really don't like it. I don't like that.
42:54
Like he's got a a pit to the center of the earth in his
43:01
castle. Like, I don't know, it's such a
43:04
confusing layout, but whatever it it's very Temple of doom.
43:11
It's very. The skull rock, Yeah.
43:14
Crumbles when it's done. Yeah, yeah.
43:17
But it's weird that that it exists.
43:21
That part of it is a little bit weird.
43:22
But you know, they commit to the bit and that's fine.
43:26
There's lots of fighting and on cliffsides and people get
43:29
thrown, but the mask finally gets to be put on.
43:39
Oh boy they get some blood and the butt hole of the sucks it up
43:47
and then the front of the mask has a mouth with teeth but it
43:52
has to be wrap around the person's face.
43:54
But then it doesn't even like grant any power.
43:58
It's just amazing. Yeah, he can start speaking to
44:03
whatever spirits to bring back his wife to possess the the pure
44:07
blood's body. And it's kind of all.
44:10
It's all very important and they told us it was very important.
44:14
It just looks stupid. Like for the entirety of it
44:18
looks. When it's alive and attaching it
44:23
looks dumb. When it was kind of just like a
44:26
octopus type thing that looked all right, I was like, OK,
44:30
interesting. Then when he's wearing it on his
44:32
face, I also think it looks dumb.
44:34
I'm like, yeah, this, this is such a stupid thing.
44:38
Like, oh man, do I dislike that mask just.
44:45
And it's not even as good as like the mask.
44:47
Like, if you're going to have a living mask, it's got to be, I
44:52
don't know, the bar was set pretty high by Jim Carrey about
44:56
living masks. Yeah, but, you know, Conan's
45:03
there to save the day. We're going to have Tamara get
45:05
possessed kind of like, kind of kind of like she's clearly
45:11
getting possessed. There's like CG veins
45:15
happenings. And that whole final fight kind
45:19
of just feels like dreamed up without giving any specifics to
45:25
the set design. People like, OK, she's going to
45:28
fall down on this wheel, but they're going to like swing.
45:33
And they're still crazy fighting and like and.
45:35
Still fight and then they're going to run away.
45:40
And the rope bridge where Conan is holding her, he like, he
45:47
doesn't even really like fight the dude.
45:49
They just kind of get close and then he breaks the bridge
45:54
somehow. He's so like cut a rope or
45:58
something. Tell me that you've disabled the
46:00
bridge. You just slam your sword down
46:03
and say a line and then he's falling away, OK.
46:09
Stephen Lang, at least in 2011, was still a very physical actor.
46:15
I'm not a huge fan of the blue Alien Avatar movies, but I liked
46:21
him in it. He was a good villain and he was
46:25
a very physical presence in that.
46:28
And in this one, the fight choreography just looks like
46:32
they're dancing. And I get it, like fight
46:34
choreography is a type of dancing, but at the same time,
46:39
it's called fight choreography because you want the audience to
46:42
believe that they're fighting, not dancing.
46:44
And for this whole last fight, it really does feel like
46:49
everybody's counting in their head their their beats and where
46:54
they're supposed to be at the next one.
46:56
And I don't know, it didn't work for me in the least.
47:02
Yeah, I would agree it's kind of a mess.
47:08
In this climax of the show, he manages to best him and throw
47:15
him down the endless but lava filled ravine thing.
47:22
And then they run away and it's everything crumbles,
47:26
everything's everything's going to be fine, right?
47:30
Yeah. The mask, I assume crumbled when
47:34
they fell down. I don't know.
47:36
I mean, it'll be it's hard to fell in the lava.
47:39
So hopefully, hopefully these aren't Mordor rules where like
47:43
the lava has to be a specific type of lava to kill the mask,
47:49
but they never established that. So I'm going to say lava kills
47:52
the mask. It's, it's gotta them must yes,
47:57
because the possession is broken.
47:59
So obviously it's OK for Tamara. And then, yeah, they, they have
48:08
the end of the movie. Conan takes Tamara home.
48:13
Just like the prophecy said, Conan finds his father's sword.
48:17
Well, I think he found the sword way back when because the Marik
48:22
had taken it. Oh, that's right.
48:23
It was in, it was in the School Rock place with them.
48:26
So he had it for a while when he started.
48:28
Yeah, but he finds the the place where it was forged.
48:32
That's right. The, what do you call it?
48:35
The mold where it was formed. So he found his Sumerian
48:40
village. Home.
48:42
Yeah, and presumably this is where he will build his empire,
48:47
because we're always going to be promised that Conan will build
48:51
that damn empire. We are from the future and Conan
48:56
has an empire. One of these days, one of these
48:59
days, we're going to get some time.
49:01
Conan the Emperor. I mean I.
49:05
Feel like at this point if anybody were to take it up, why
49:10
not just start with his empire and maybe it'll be funner than
49:19
cutting in swords and everything maybe.
49:23
Maybe I yeah, I would. This is where we get to the part
49:35
of the discussion. OK, movie over review not
49:39
started yet. Time to talk about this movie
49:43
and it where it lives. And there are parts where, like
49:49
I said, it looked cool, it had the right tone, there were good
49:54
ideas. And part of me is like, maybe it
49:58
would be cool to have either a sequel or another reboot.
50:01
Let's try it again. Let's let's learn some lessons
50:05
and try it again. And but that's because I got a
50:10
soft spot for fantasy. And I'm like, I want swords and
50:13
magic. And frankly, I want swords,
50:16
magic and boobs. Like I want it all.
50:22
I mean that matches with the category and genre of Conan.
50:26
Yeah, and they just these movies, no matter who tries to
50:32
make them, no matter what franchise it is, they never do
50:35
that well. And I mean, there, there have
50:41
been talks with Arnold where he's like, I would want to come
50:46
back and do Old Man Conan. Momoa has said he would be
50:51
interested. There have been women who have
50:55
been like, I want to do Red Sonja and let's make it actually
50:58
part of the Conan franchise instead of what the Red Sonja
51:02
movie was, where it was its own thing, separate from the Conan
51:06
franchise. And I'm just like, I don't know.
51:10
I don't know if we've learned any of our lessons because every
51:13
time we've tried, we we haven't done it.
51:17
Yeah, I mean, maybe that'd be better for the wrap up because
51:21
the the dream of a fantasy Conan.
51:26
I think honestly you could you could look to the the one I
51:33
guess reference that I'm taking for a a fantasy sword game or
51:39
movie is really old. I don't know if it released on
51:44
anything but PC. It's called Blade of Darkness.
51:48
Never heard of it. Essentially you like I before I
51:53
knew Conan I knew that game and you are a shieldless barbarian.
51:59
Kind of what would be similar to like the whole Soul Reaver type
52:05
graphics. Yeah.
52:08
With a giant sword and you fight skeletons and XYZ, like all the
52:13
stuff that that matches Conan. I think maybe there's maybe a
52:22
different a different tactic you could take with making a plot of
52:28
a Conan movie then one big bad guy like, yeah, yeah.
52:35
Well, I'm going to push back and I'm, I'm going to say I agree
52:40
with you that we should save this for next week and let's,
52:43
let's have it out and, and have our discussions of it because
52:47
now my wheels are churning and all I want to do is.
52:51
Do that, yeah. I'm talking about that.
52:53
So let's, let's let's put a stop on it, put a pin in it.
52:59
As far as this one goes I probably well I didn't even know
53:04
this movie happened so I can't sit here and say I would have
53:07
watched a sequel because I didn't even know this movie
53:09
existed until we did this last in 20. 11 so I definitely missed
53:15
it. Yeah, I was in college.
53:17
I think I was at like the peak time for this movie to come out
53:21
because, you know, that was like when everybody was talking about
53:26
all things Jason Momoa. And yeah, I just completely
53:30
missed it happening. So I can't say I would have
53:32
watched the sequel because I I didn't even know the original
53:35
happened. And we never got a sequel.
53:39
Obviously, this is where the franchise ends.
53:43
End of the road. Yeah, as far as things that we
53:48
are ignoring, we're not going to do Red Sonja, we're not going to
53:51
do Kroll the Conqueror, I think is what it was.
53:56
And we're not going to do Cone Cone Ann.
54:00
It's the French indie film that's the gender swapped Conan,
54:06
but it's it's based on the books.
54:09
So those are the three big near Conan movies that some people
54:15
will include in the franchise, But we did not.
54:19
Instead, this this is where it ends.
54:23
And so we got to we got to say that on this podcast, we do
54:27
ratings, not grades. And the primary difference is
54:30
where you find the average in a grade.
54:32
They say A7 out of 10 is average, but that means you have
54:35
to raise everybody else's failing grades to get it closer
54:40
to A7. But we say no, A5 out of 10 is
54:44
the average. If a movie hits a 5 out of 10,
54:47
it is an average movie. If it's below it, we probably
54:50
didn't like it as much. And if it's above it, we
54:52
probably liked it a lot. But with all of that said,
54:56
Justin, what did you think about 2011's Conan the Barbarian
55:00
starring Jason Momoa? I think I enjoy the magic that
55:10
was attempted to be included because it makes it feel like
55:16
another world, a different a different world than this one
55:20
that contained magic like that is I think the essence of from
55:28
the first Conan movie. He like meets a witch after
55:33
we've only really seen swords and people and maybe the main
55:38
character doing some like hypnotism, but the the magic
55:46
turns it from a a BC film to a a fantasy film.
55:53
So I enjoyed that they included that because it it also points
55:59
me back to the elder God in the second movie that just appears.
56:05
And I was just I was fine with that because it was just a
56:10
little more insane. Like, OK, it's.
56:13
Shocking how well that that monster works when it just
56:18
really is just out of nowhere and it's like, all right, cool.
56:22
This one, the big bad that's promised, fails to really make
56:27
any difference. It's it's nothing concrete.
56:30
He's got the mask on. He can call his wife's body to
56:35
or spirit to possess the pure blood, but that's about it.
56:39
Like nothing really happens with that mask.
56:45
I can't quite fault the lead actor, his acting abilities when
56:50
we had Arnold with his acting abilities.
56:54
It's like apples to apples. They are exactly just fine being
57:00
Conan. I'll agree with you they're
57:03
they're both equally bad at acting, but just fine, whatever.
57:08
Yeah, this is Conan. Stunts and sets.
57:13
Sets, I would say we're lacking stunts.
57:16
I think there's a couple here and there, effects like blood,
57:22
they're all right. Maybe they seemed a little bit.
57:26
I mean, it's a movie, but staging of the blood spurts was
57:31
like May. I don't know how you would make
57:34
it better. It was fine.
57:37
A lot of it is fine for an average movie, but the
57:44
transition points between specifically Tamera getting
57:50
captured and then Marie talking at her is so boring and so bad.
58:02
I don't know why it's necessary. I don't think it is necessary.
58:07
You could have cut 10 minutes out and I don't think we would
58:12
have missed having those two interact necessarily.
58:19
It's not a good movie. It's but it's not actively
58:28
antagonizing me. I started with a four.
58:34
I'm going to stick with the four and.
58:38
That's fair. I and flipped.
58:42
So last movie I gave it a four. You gave it a three.
58:47
This movie, you gave it a four. I'm giving it a three.
58:50
I think there's actually very little to like about this movie.
58:57
I think it's it's not the worst thing I've watched on this
59:01
podcast. It's not the worst movie I've
59:04
ever watched, but it drags and it's hard to get through.
59:11
I think it's got some good ideas and I really like the young
59:17
Conan sequences. I think I think those parts
59:22
shine. Frankly, I I'd like no two ways
59:26
about it. I think those parts are
59:28
legitimately good in this bad movie.
59:32
I have fun and a few parts with adult Conan, but not enough for
59:41
most of the movie. I'm desperately trying not to
59:45
look at my phone. I'm just like OK come on, I got
59:49
to pay attention. There is a movie happening and
59:52
it's just so boring. And so I like, I almost feel
59:58
like I should go lower, except for the fact that there, there
1:00:01
are genuinely good moments and good ideas and like, I'm glad I
1:00:08
watched it. I'm this isn't one of those bad
1:00:11
movies where you get done with it and you're insulted at the
1:00:14
time you wasted. Like, I'm I'm glad I watched it.
1:00:17
I'm glad I've experienced it. I don't think I'll watch it
1:00:20
again, but I'm glad I did it, glad I did it once.
1:00:27
Yeah, I think I started it three times.
1:00:29
And yes, I got distracted by something more interesting.
1:00:35
Yes, not hard to do when it's this bad.
1:00:38
Yeah, that's, and that is kind of the worst thing that can
1:00:42
happen to a movie when, you know, you can't even maintain
1:00:46
your focus on it. I think an example of a great
1:00:51
movie that has a hard time maintaining my focus is 2001 A
1:00:56
Space Odyssey. Very good movie.
1:01:00
Oh boy, it is hard for me to sit down and watch it.
1:01:03
It is. It is a painfully slow movie,
1:01:07
but it's interesting and I when I have been able to watch it,
1:01:11
I've been like, wow, that there is a reason people call this
1:01:14
movie brilliant. This one will never get accused
1:01:17
of being brilliant. Like it?
1:01:19
Is it is such a far shot from brilliance, but it's fun at
1:01:26
moments. It's fine.
1:01:28
It's, I don't know, get stoned and watch it.
1:01:32
Maybe that'll make it. Good.
1:01:35
Could be, yeah. I I don't know, there's, there's
1:01:39
not a lot going for it. It's interesting to see what
1:01:43
else Jason Momoa was doing the same year that he got big as
1:01:47
Khal Drogo. You know, Drago, it's been a
1:01:50
while since I've watched any Game of Thrones.
1:01:55
Drago Eve, the Rocky character maybe?
1:01:59
Yeah, I don't know. I I didn't watch any of the
1:02:03
which Rocky was he in? Oh, no, no, no, no.
1:02:07
I see one of the characters of Rocky is a Russian guy that's
1:02:11
called Dragon. Oh.
1:02:13
Yeah, I'm excited to do the Rocky franchise 'cause that's
1:02:18
when I watched in reverse order, like when five had come out.
1:02:23
I hadn't. I've never watched Rocky Balboa
1:02:27
or Creed 2. I did see Creed but when it was
1:02:32
just a 5 movie collection, my roommate was like let's watch it
1:02:35
in reverse order and I was like all right, whatever and it was a
1:02:38
great time but. Yeah, I haven't watched any
1:02:44
Rocky. Yeah, well, that's another one
1:02:48
we might have to add to the list.
1:02:50
And if you, dear listener, have a franchise that you would love
1:02:55
to hear us review, then why don't you send us an e-mail at
1:02:59
potatochippicturespod@gmail.com. That's the best way to get in
1:03:05
touch with us because we will actually see it.
1:03:08
You can support the channel by leaving a comment, a review, a
1:03:13
like doing any of those things on the platform of your choice.
1:03:18
Just be aware that I don't usually know if those things
1:03:22
happen, so I've never seen them. If you've done it before, thank
1:03:27
you. I've never seen it before so I
1:03:30
don't go actively looking for it.
1:03:32
So I just don't know this. This won't make OK.
1:03:38
This is part of our prerecorded episodes.
1:03:41
So by the time you're hearing this, this has already happened
1:03:45
for like a month. But we keep getting content
1:03:50
violations on TikTok and I don't think they're copyright related
1:03:55
because they have a a separate thing called a copyright
1:03:59
violation, which I'm pretty sure we've had one video that that
1:04:05
was muted because of a copyright violation.
1:04:08
But we recently had a couple of content violations and I'm not
1:04:12
sure why. So we're just going to take a
1:04:16
pause on TikTok for a little while.
1:04:18
If you're if you found us on TikTok and you're listening to
1:04:22
the podcast, thank you for supporting us.
1:04:24
But check us out on Instagram and YouTube.
1:04:27
Those those are the ones where we seem to still be allowed to
1:04:31
post without getting in trouble. But it is what it is.
1:04:36
But you know, that's that's just the way it goes sometimes.
1:04:39
But I guess I don't have anything else to say.
1:04:46
Oh, start our podcasting adventures will return.
1:04:50
Yeah, but that is your story. Oh, you'll be told.
1:04:55
On another podcast. Next week is the wrap up.
1:04:59
Thank you guys so much for listening.
1:05:01
Goodbye, bye. Oh man, I I really don't think
1:05:20
that Morgan Freeman was the right choice for narration, not
1:05:25
after Aku. And yeah, and it sounded just a
1:05:28
little like, it sounded like the beginning of Bruce Almighty,
1:05:32
like. Or a nature documentary.
1:05:35
Like I was just like, oh.