Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #759 Missing Mum on Mother's Day

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#759 Missing Mum on Mother's Day · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast.
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  Speaker 2: It's the podcast for.
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  Speaker 1: The time poor parent who just wants answers Now.
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  Speaker 2: Hello, this is doctor Justin Colson, the founder of Happy
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  Speaker 2: Families dot com dot You. Welcome to another episode of
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  Speaker 2: the Happy Families Podcast. Mother's Day it's just around the corner.
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  Speaker 2: And I don't know if you have the same sensitivity,
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  Speaker 2: the same awareness that I've i guess, been experiencing. Increasingly
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  Speaker 2: over the last handful of years, I'm seeing more and
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  Speaker 2: more of my friends who are no longer fortunate enough
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  Speaker 2: to have both of their parents alive. That may be
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  Speaker 2: the case for you as well, and maybe you've even
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  Speaker 2: lost one of your parents. More than that, though, I'm
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  Speaker 2: becoming particularly mindful that Mother's Day as an idea, and
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  Speaker 2: even Father's Day and all of these other days of
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  Speaker 2: celebration that we have in our calendar, they're not always
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  Speaker 2: wonderful for everybody. In fact, Mother's Day for a lot
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  Speaker 2: of people is a real challenge, and there's this delicate
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  Speaker 2: balance where we're trying to say, let's celebrate mum because
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  Speaker 2: Mother's Day this weekend, but let's also be mindful that
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  Speaker 2: not everybody is able to celebrate because their mum may
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  Speaker 2: have passed away, or because the kids may not have
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  Speaker 2: their mum available to them, may not be accessible. Maybe
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  Speaker 2: they're in the foster care system. Maybe I don't know,
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  Speaker 2: maybe mum's in jail and the kids being raised by parents, grandparents.
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  Speaker 2: I should say, there's so many different circumstances, and so
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  Speaker 2: as much as I want to jump onto social media
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  Speaker 2: and say happy Mother's Day, it's going to be great weekend,
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  Speaker 2: go and love your family and be all over mum,
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  Speaker 2: there's that part of me that kind of thinks I
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  Speaker 2: almost need to be apologetic about it. I don't know
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  Speaker 2: if apologetic is the right word, but really want to
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  Speaker 2: be sensitive at a time of genuine pain, distress and
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  Speaker 2: sadness for so many people to have a conversation with
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  Speaker 2: me about how we can be sensitive and also what
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  Speaker 2: we can do if our family is one of those
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  Speaker 2: families that requires that sensitivity. I'm joined by Christy Thomas.
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  Speaker 2: CHRISTI joined me a little while ago on the Happy
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  Speaker 2: Families podcast. She's from an organization called Feel the Magic.
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  Speaker 2: You can find out all about Feel the Magic and
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  Speaker 2: feel themagic dot org dot au. They're in strange charity
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  Speaker 2: providing early intervention grief education, programs for kids between seven
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  Speaker 2: to eighteen who are experiencing pain and isolation due to
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  Speaker 2: the death of a parent, or a guardian or a sibling. Christy,
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  Speaker 2: thanks for joining me. As we move towards Mother's Day,
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  Speaker 2: this must be a tough time for so many of
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  Speaker 2: the families that you deal with.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, it absolutely, it's a sensitive time. Like you said,
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  Speaker 1: it's a time for them where it's not when they
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  Speaker 1: don't want to celebrate. It's just how do we do that?
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  Speaker 1: How do we now do that when our mother is gone.
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  Speaker 2: I'm imagining that people with the very best of intentions
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  Speaker 2: will say to a child who has lost a parent,
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  Speaker 2: a mother in this case, as we move towards Mother's Day,
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  Speaker 2: they must say some things that are meant to be
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  Speaker 2: helpful but must just be so painful. We're having this
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  Speaker 2: conversation on zoom. Our podcast listeners obviously can't see your face,
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  Speaker 2: but as I said that, you had this really gentle
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  Speaker 2: it was. It was a kind eye roll, but you
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  Speaker 2: did your roll your eyes. You were like, oh, yeah, yeah,
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  Speaker 2: there are some painful things that are said by well
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  Speaker 2: meaning people.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, absolutely, and well meaning. Mostly because I deal with
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  Speaker 1: a lot of children, well meaning children now children are
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  Speaker 1: really in quisitive as well, and so they ask questions
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  Speaker 1: that can be really uncomfortable. So that the eye roll
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  Speaker 1: was really based around the moments that kids have shared
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  Speaker 1: with me that are really hurtful and painful, like why
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  Speaker 1: are you buying a present for your mummy if you
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  Speaker 1: don't have one?
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  Speaker 2: Oh?
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  Speaker 1: Why, I you know? That is such a simple question
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  Speaker 1: that child is probably generally interested to know. And what
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  Speaker 1: we want to do is equip the child who is
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  Speaker 1: buying the present, who doesn't have a mum, with either
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  Speaker 1: a statement to reply with that they feel comfortable with
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  Speaker 1: or just the courage to brush it off. So and
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  Speaker 1: build that resilience in them, because yeah, there's a lot
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  Speaker 1: of well meaning kids around and thankfully adults are getting better.
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  Speaker 1: I feel that they've got much more sensitivity around these things,
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  Speaker 1: and so it's really about equipping the kids to feel
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  Speaker 1: like they're strong enough to cope during school and within communities,
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  Speaker 1: like just simple things like when they go to sports
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  Speaker 1: they see other kids with their mums that can be
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  Speaker 1: quite painful too.
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  Speaker 2: Christy. At this time of year, we've got Mother's Day stalls,
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  Speaker 2: especially in the younger years, kids doing Mother's Day craft
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  Speaker 2: and that kind of thing they're putting together cards for
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  Speaker 2: their mums. If we've got a child who is not
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  Speaker 2: able to access their mum, either through death and bereavement
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  Speaker 2: or through other circumstances like foster care or imprisonment, those
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  Speaker 2: sorts of issues, or just a mum who's not functional,
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  Speaker 2: and so the kids are living with grandparents or aunties
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  Speaker 2: or uncles, how do we help them to navigate that.
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  Speaker 2: Let's say we've got some happy families listeners who are
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  Speaker 2: literally dealing with that today. What are the kinds of
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  Speaker 2: things that parents and other caregivers can say to help
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  Speaker 2: their kids through what must be one of the trickiest
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  Speaker 2: weeks of the calendar.
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  Speaker 1: I think the number one thing the priority would be
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  Speaker 1: keeping the communication open between the caregiver and the child
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  Speaker 1: and helping making a conversation about helping the child to
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  Speaker 1: decide and have input into what they're going to do
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  Speaker 1: for that day. So future planning really supports their anxiety
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  Speaker 1: and sadness or grief leading into it. So if they've
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  Speaker 1: got a plan for what they're actually going to do
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  Speaker 1: on that day, that can be really helpful for the
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  Speaker 1: child and including them in the decision making and also
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  Speaker 1: knowing that that might change from year to year and
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  Speaker 1: all of those plans might fall out the door on
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  Speaker 1: the day.
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  Speaker 2: I'm imagining a scenario. I'm not imagining it too deeply
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  Speaker 2: because I would hate for it to happen. But here,
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  Speaker 2: I am a single dad. If Kylie wasn't with me
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  Speaker 2: and I had kids that were heading off to school
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  Speaker 2: to participate in these activities, what do I say, literally,
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  Speaker 2: what's I say to my nine year old daughter when
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  Speaker 2: she's going to school knowing that this is coming, that
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  Speaker 2: these craft things are happening.
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  Speaker 1: And Number one would be to acknowledge that it's going
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  Speaker 1: to be hard, or that it might bring up sadness,
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  Speaker 1: or that it could be quite upsetting. Acknowledging that free
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  Speaker 1: going into it. I think it's great to have a
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  Speaker 1: conversation with the teacher if you haven't already, about how
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  Speaker 1: they're going to navigate the Mother's Day craft, and then
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  Speaker 1: possibly just talking to you or nine year old about Okay,
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  Speaker 1: you don't have mummy, but maybe you could make something
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  Speaker 1: for mummy anyway and write some kind of special memory
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  Speaker 1: on whatever the craft is, or is there someone else
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  Speaker 1: special in your life that you might like to give
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  Speaker 1: that to.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, so I guess you can still commemorate Mum even
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  Speaker 2: if she's not here. We can go and visit her
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  Speaker 2: gravestone or wherever her ashes have been laid or something
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  Speaker 2: like that. So you've still got that capacity. And like
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  Speaker 2: you said, it's about it's the validation today. Today's probably
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  Speaker 2: going to be really tough. We all miss mum like mad, Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: and what.
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  Speaker 1: Would you what's going to help you to feel better?
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  Speaker 1: And you know, really put it in their court to say, actually,
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  Speaker 1: I don't want to participate in the mother's dade craft
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  Speaker 1: and then talking to the school about that, or yeah,
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  Speaker 1: that sounds good, but maybe when we get home we
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  Speaker 1: can watch my favorite movie so I can feel better.
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  Speaker 1: Kids are really good at knowing what they need if
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  Speaker 1: they're given the opportunity and ask the question. Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: I'm tempted to just remind parents at this point that
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  Speaker 2: avoidance reinforces anxiety, and it's really great if you can
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  Speaker 2: get your kids to push through things. But I also
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  Speaker 2: want to highlight how contextual that is, Like, if this
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  Speaker 2: is something that's just occurred in your home, then avoidance
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  Speaker 2: is probably okay right now. Or if your child's particularly
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  Speaker 2: young or is particularly sensitive or has specific anxieties and challenges.
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  Speaker 2: Sometimes it's okay to just say, you know what, you
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  Speaker 2: don't have to go to school for the next three days.
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  Speaker 2: We're just going to have a really quiet time at home.
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  Speaker 1: I agree. I mean I would never suggest let's not
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  Speaker 1: go to school, but I think I think that's perfect.
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  Speaker 1: And even if it was five years ago, that doesn't
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  Speaker 1: mean that child's not going to have big emotions around it,
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  Speaker 1: especially when you put in context with what over else
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  Speaker 1: is going on in their life at that time. Always
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  Speaker 1: giving them, empowering them to make the choice I think
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  Speaker 1: is always going to be a success versus avoidance or
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  Speaker 1: just not communicating about it at all.
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  Speaker 2: I was speaking with Christy Thomas. Christie is the founder
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  Speaker 2: of Fieldthmagic dot org dot au and Ozzie charity that
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  Speaker 2: provides grief education programs for our kids who are experiencing
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  Speaker 2: the sadness and the pain and the difficulties that come
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  Speaker 2: from the death of a parent or a guardian or
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  Speaker 2: a sibling, and with mother's stages around the corner, obviously
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  Speaker 2: it can be a sensitive time. Christy, what about the
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  Speaker 2: situation where you've got, like in my family, Kylie and
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  Speaker 2: I both together, we've got our kids or with us,
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  Speaker 2: how do we help them from your experience with working
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  Speaker 2: with so many families, how do we help them to
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  Speaker 2: be sensitive to the reality that not every single person
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  Speaker 2: in their school, in their class, is going to be
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  Speaker 2: in the same really fortunate situation that they are in.
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  Speaker 1: Well, I've interviewed a few kids on what is it
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  Speaker 1: that they need, what would have helped them? And these
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  Speaker 1: were teens, so we're talking about when they were younger,
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  Speaker 1: and one of the key things that all of them
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  Speaker 1: said was, I just want my friends and family to
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  Speaker 1: acknowledge that they exist. Ask me about my loved one
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  Speaker 1: and not avoid the fact that they're not here. So
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  Speaker 1: if your children, for instance, know of someone or have
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  Speaker 1: a friend who may have a mom missing at this time,
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  Speaker 1: is to say, hey, oh, this must be a hard
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  Speaker 1: day for you. Does that acknowledgement again, Oh maybe you
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  Speaker 1: could tell me what your mom's name is if you
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  Speaker 1: feel comfortable, or what was your favorite thing that you
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  Speaker 1: ever did with them, or can you remember a time
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  Speaker 1: that you absolutely loved being with them. Things like that
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  Speaker 1: can really just one acknowledge that they existed. And people
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  Speaker 1: are scared to bring up someone who's missing because they
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  Speaker 1: think I don't want to bring I don't want to
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  Speaker 1: bring it to light. I don't want to upset them.
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  Speaker 1: But the thing is that sits there with them all
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  Speaker 1: the time. But when you ask them a question that's
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  Speaker 1: share something positive. They love to share about their loved one.
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  Speaker 1: They love to do that. So if given an opportunity
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  Speaker 1: just ask questions, would.
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  Speaker 2: You say that. It's the same for kids who are
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  Speaker 2: experiencing a non permanent loss. So obviously death provides us
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  Speaker 2: this opportunity to really celebrate the person who's no longer
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  Speaker 2: with us. But if we're talking about somebody who's dysfunctional
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  Speaker 2: and therefore the kids have been taken away, or we're
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  Speaker 2: talking about somebody who is in circumstances where their freedoms
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  Speaker 2: have been taken they're in prison, for example, this is
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  Speaker 2: this is a really different kind of conversation. I would
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  Speaker 2: imagine you wouldn't just say, hey, tell me something about
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  Speaker 2: about your mum. That's fantastic, given that this job might
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  Speaker 2: have been really traumatized with that background.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, so then you could ask your friend, oh, this
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  Speaker 1: must be a tough day for you. Is there anything
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  Speaker 1: I can do to help you? Or is there something
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  Speaker 1: we could do together that would make you feel better,
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  Speaker 1: or just being a friend, just being there acknowledging them,
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  Speaker 1: because you're right, it's not always a positive experience if
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  Speaker 1: their mother is missing due to other circumstances.
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  Speaker 2: So, Christy, I remember from our last conversation there's surprisingly
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  Speaker 2: high percentage of kids who are being raised in families
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  Speaker 2: where they have lost a parent.
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  Speaker 1: It's one in twenty lost a parent by the time
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  Speaker 1: they're eighteen.
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  Speaker 2: There's a lot of families who will be listening to
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  Speaker 2: this who are affected. Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: And you know, if you look at any average school,
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  Speaker 1: then that would be one in average class. Yeah. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: and that's talking about sibling loss and or guardian loss,
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  Speaker 1: you know, stepdads or and children being raised by grandparents.
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  Speaker 2: So yeah, do you have any other resources for families
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  Speaker 2: who would like more information to get access to some
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  Speaker 2: scripts or something to read, or something they can stand
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  Speaker 2: with the kids and just go through.
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  Speaker 1: Absolutely. We have. On the website we have a place
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  Speaker 1: called the Grief Resource Hub. There's quite a few downloads
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  Speaker 1: you can access around speaking to all different ages around grief,
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  Speaker 1: but specifically for Mother's Day. We do have a download
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  Speaker 1: how to talk to my child about Mother's Day approaching
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  Speaker 1: If they're grieving the loss of their mum. And then
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  Speaker 1: there's also a beautiful download where we've interviewed kids about
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  Speaker 1: what they would love on Mother's Day and it's just
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  Speaker 1: got some tips and tricks in there around how to
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  Speaker 1: spend Mother's Day with them, like creating memorials or buying
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  Speaker 1: the present, writing cards, those types of things.
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  Speaker 2: Christy Thomas from Fieldmagic dot org dot I, you really
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  Speaker 2: appreciate you having a conversation about something this. It's kind
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  Speaker 2: of tricky. It's such a sense in the time of
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  Speaker 2: the year.
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  Speaker 1: Thank you so much, thanks for having us.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, all those details again will be in our show notes,
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  Speaker 2: but it's fieldmagic dot org dot au. And as Christy mentioned,
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  Speaker 2: there is on the resources tab a grief resource hub
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  Speaker 2: with everything that you need if this is something that's
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  Speaker 2: sadly relevant for your family. The Happy Families podcast is
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: produced by Justin Rulan from Bridge Media, with Craig Bruce
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  Speaker 2: as our executive producer. For more information about how to
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  Speaker 2: support and make your family happier regardless of your circumstances,
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  Speaker 2: please visit us at Happy Families dot com dot au.