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Transcript

No Judgement… Mostly · Untraditionally Lala

0:00
Speaker 1: Hello gorgeous, it's Lala Kent. Welcome to Untraditionally Lala. Welcome
0:08
Speaker 1: to Untraditionally Lala, the bonus episode. And I don't know
0:11
Speaker 1: what possessed me to say we're going to do anonymous
0:15
Speaker 1: listener confessions, but it just felt fun and I'm reading
0:18
Speaker 1: them in Easton.
0:19
Speaker 2: Plug your ears.
0:21
Speaker 1: Plug your ears. You guys are unhinged. I don't know
0:27
Speaker 1: if I should be concerned about the people who.
0:30
Speaker 3: Are connecting with me. Because I saw a couple of
0:33
Speaker 3: like write-ins.
0:35
Speaker 1: In the shared notes?
0:36
Speaker 3: Yeah. So many ladies.
0:40
Speaker 1: Out here making sus decisions. And you guys, these are
0:43
Speaker 1: my listeners. My people.
0:44
Speaker 3: Fucking your friends crush. That is what has railed my homies.
0:50
Speaker 3: My homie's like, I have a crush on this girl.
0:52
Speaker 3: And then one of the homies fucks her and he's like,
0:54
Speaker 3: I'm dying.
0:55
Speaker 2: Have some sympathy. I walked into a house.
0:59
Speaker 3: I'll never forget. And a guy was like, I really
1:01
Speaker 3: like that girl. By the grace of God, this girl
1:04
Speaker 3: had no eyeballs and came on to me.
1:06
Speaker 2: Yeah. I didn't do it because I was like, my
1:08
Speaker 2: homie likes you.
1:10
Speaker 3: See? Good for you.
1:12
Speaker 2: And my homie didn't even crack. So I should have.
1:14
Speaker 1: Yeah. What do you mean he didn't crack?
1:17
Speaker 2: He didn't fuck.
1:19
Speaker 1: Oh, jeez.
1:20
Speaker 2: That's aggressive. All right, are we ready?
1:22
Speaker 1: These are so crazy. I don't know if I should
1:25
Speaker 1: be judging them myself.
1:25
Speaker 2: No, I'm going to be judging heavily. But keep listening in.
1:28
Speaker 1: But I told them that it was a judgment-free zone.
1:30
Speaker 1: I'm not judging.
1:31
Speaker 2: I'm not judging. I'm not judging. Zero.
1:34
Speaker 1: I am 46 and sleeping with a 24-year-old. The best
1:37
Speaker 1: sex ever, and I squirt so much.
1:39
Speaker 3: Get it, girl.
1:41
Speaker 1: I'm telling you, the 24-year-olds know where it's at.
1:43
Speaker 3: Well, yeah, that's because their frontal lobe isn't developed. They're
1:47
Speaker 3: just like, get me in there. Get me in there.
1:49
Speaker 2: They're like cavemen when it comes to pussy.
1:55
Speaker 1: Oh, my God. I feel like I should have brought
1:58
Speaker 1: a friend to co-host this with me.
1:59
Speaker 3: Yeah, probably. Ocean, come in here.
2:03
Speaker 1: My face. I mean, would you go, you're 33? Yeah.
2:12
Speaker 1: So would you go for a 53 year old?
2:18
Speaker 2: I'd fuck Cher.
2:20
Speaker 3: How old is she? Like 88? Three? She's in the
2:23
Speaker 3: eighties and I'd fucking get active, baby. 80?
2:27
Speaker 1: Oh my God.
2:30
Speaker 2: Probably some KY jelly for that one.
2:35
Speaker 3: For sure yeah probably we're gonna need to know.
2:40
Speaker 1: What to say to that moving on i love younger
2:43
Speaker 1: men i'm 33 or 30 i'll be 36 very good
2:50
Speaker 1: 26 20 years would be i couldn't go for a
2:53
Speaker 1: 16 year old obviously so i'm just.
2:56
Speaker 3: Gonna believe it was even in your mouth that you
2:59
Speaker 3: just said that i'm just trying to do that I
3:01
Speaker 3: get like 16, but like it's not legal because we're
3:04
Speaker 3: not in Game of Thrones.
3:05
Speaker 1: No, I'm bad at math. That's why it's taking me
3:08
Speaker 1: a long time.
3:09
Speaker 3: Just always remember, no matter what math, always above 18.
3:16
Speaker 2: And that is fucking weird.
3:19
Speaker 3: Like there was a girl, she's like just turned 18.
3:21
Speaker 2: I was like, you're a child.
3:25
Speaker 1: I'm sorry. I cannot breathe. 24 is like, nah. 26
3:30
Speaker 1: is my cutoff.
3:32
Speaker 2: 26 is good. Bump that up two years.
3:34
Speaker 1: 10 years. I'm saying I was, Easton, this connection is
3:39
Speaker 1: 22 years. So I was thinking 22 years for me.
3:41
Speaker 1: And then I was like, oh shit, we're really young
3:43
Speaker 1: in high school. So back up the ladder, back up
3:48
Speaker 1: the ladder. She's like, I.
3:49
Speaker 2: Just need to be 38.
3:50
Speaker 1: And then I'm done. That's not what I was saying.
3:56
Speaker 2: Oh, my God.
3:57
Speaker 1: I have $ 45, 000 of debt my partner doesn't know about,
4:03
Speaker 1: and it is stressful.
4:05
Speaker 3: I would tell them because I think the stress will
4:08
Speaker 3: kill you.
4:09
Speaker 1: The stress will kill you. You know what?
4:11
Speaker 3: Just consolidate it.
4:12
Speaker 1: You've got to tell.
4:14
Speaker 2: You got to tell someone. You got to get help.
4:18
Speaker 1: They're telling us.
4:20
Speaker 2: Here's the thing.
4:21
Speaker 3: I'm glad that they told us, but I cannot help
4:23
Speaker 3: on that interest rate.
4:24
Speaker 1: I don't think that they're asking for our help. They're
4:26
Speaker 1: just trying to get shit off their chest. That's it.
4:29
Speaker 1: They're not asking for us to help them. That's what's
4:32
Speaker 1: great about this episode. They're not even asking for advice.
4:36
Speaker 1: We're just here to listen. They're getting shit off their chest.
4:38
Speaker 1: You are seen. You are heard. 45K, that does sound
4:42
Speaker 1: hella stressful. It does, but just.
4:44
Speaker 3: Look at it this way. Some people go and buy
4:47
Speaker 3: a $ 60, 000 car with 20K down. So in a sense,
4:50
Speaker 3: it's the same.
4:51
Speaker 2: At least you got a thing for it, though.
4:54
Speaker 1: We don't know why they're in debt, but I would
4:56
Speaker 1: definitely open up to my partner about this so that
4:58
Speaker 1: you guys can come up with a game plan. Just
5:00
Speaker 1: my thought. Aw, this person said that they're in love
5:05
Speaker 1: with me. That's good to hear.
5:06
Speaker 2: A little cookie monster.
5:10
Speaker 1: That feels good. That feels really good. I love them too.
5:14
Speaker 1: Broke my now husband's penis while we were doing it,
5:18
Speaker 1: and he had to have a three-hour surgery.
5:22
Speaker 2: That's crazy to me. What could you have.
5:24
Speaker 1: Been doing to break a dick? Those things are durable.
5:27
Speaker 3: She could have been riding that thing like a cowgirl,
5:29
Speaker 3: slipped up and really crunched down. But you can't break
5:34
Speaker 3: a cock. There's no bone in it. It's cartilage.
5:37
Speaker 1: You can break a dick. That's why he spent three
5:39
Speaker 1: hours in surgery.
5:40
Speaker 2: I know because I think they have to reconstruct the cartilage.
5:43
Speaker 1: I have been talking to my best friend's crush for
5:45
Speaker 1: five months and she has no idea.
5:47
Speaker 2: You're not a best friend to her.
5:48
Speaker 3: I'm going to tell you that right now.
5:53
Speaker 1: Oh, no. You know what? Get it off your chest.
5:56
Speaker 1: No judgment here. No judgment here. Like I said, I've
6:02
Speaker 1: you guys also a POS.
6:05
Speaker 2: How, though?
6:06
Speaker 3: What if I'm a guy and like this girl that
6:08
Speaker 3: I don't like is like I have a crush on
6:10
Speaker 3: him and I'm like, well, I want to fuck your friend.
6:13
Speaker 2: I can't fuck the friend because I don't like the crush.
6:17
Speaker 1: Oh, that's true because she's not saying that they like
6:20
Speaker 1: each other. Yeah. She's just saying her best friend likes him.
6:23
Speaker 3: Yeah, like if it's, so I, as a guy, if
6:26
Speaker 3: a girl has a crush on me, it just handcuffs
6:29
Speaker 3: me where I can't do anything because someone likes me
6:31
Speaker 3: that I don't, so I can't do anything. You're right.
6:34
Speaker 1: I'm fucking the friend. He's in the clear. But they're
6:36
Speaker 1: just talking. They haven't done anything. At least she says
6:40
Speaker 1: they haven't.
6:41
Speaker 2: Here's the thing. That's almost worse.
6:44
Speaker 1: Emotional.
6:45
Speaker 3: Mm-hmm.
6:46
Speaker 1: That's like where you get married to your best friend's crush.
6:49
Speaker 3: Yeah.
6:50
Speaker 1: I'm just going to put it out there. You guys
6:52
Speaker 1: probably won't be friends when she finds out.
6:53
Speaker 3: She's like a real tough bitch.
6:59
Speaker 1: Unless she's like Amber or giving heart.
7:02
Speaker 3: Yeah.
7:03
Speaker 1: Slept with my co-worker's husband on a work trip.
7:06
Speaker 3: Felt bad.
7:07
Speaker 1: So became her best friend. He cheated again with a
7:10
Speaker 1: 20 year old. So now the heat is off me.
7:14
Speaker 2: I fucking love you.
7:17
Speaker 1: Yes.
7:18
Speaker 3: The heat is off you. Just that never happened.
7:21
Speaker 2: It's on to the 20 year old. Fuck it.
7:27
Speaker 1: Oh my God. But like how calculated to be like, Oh,
7:31
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry that I fucked your husband. You don't
7:33
Speaker 1: know about it. I'm going to become your best friend.
7:36
Speaker 2: No, I'd rather not be friends with you.
7:38
Speaker 1: This one's good. I lie to my kids and tell
7:40
Speaker 1: them the hospital is closed. So they try not to
7:42
Speaker 1: get hurt. Wow.
7:45
Speaker 3: Taking that one with us. No.
7:47
Speaker 1: See, I have to do the opposite. If you get hurt,
7:51
Speaker 1: I'm taking you to the hospital. And then they don't
7:54
Speaker 1: get hurt because they don't want to go to the hospital.
7:56
Speaker 1: Ocean's very anti-doctor.
7:59
Speaker 2: Yeah, you've scarred her when it comes to shots.
8:02
Speaker 1: How? Because I had to give them to her?
8:04
Speaker 2: No, you didn't tell her the one day.
8:06
Speaker 1: Oh, I did. I was trying this thing where it
8:09
Speaker 1: was like, I would tell her when she was going
8:11
Speaker 1: to get a shot and she would lose her mind
8:13
Speaker 1: from the time we got up in the morning till
8:15
Speaker 1: the time it was over. So I was like, I'm
8:16
Speaker 1: going to just try something different. No buildup. We're just
8:20
Speaker 1: going to get to the doctor and she's going to
8:21
Speaker 1: get the shot. Now, every time we leave the house,
8:24
Speaker 1: you guys, she asks me, are you taking me to
8:27
Speaker 1: get a shot?
8:27
Speaker 3: We're going to the grocery store and she goes, are
8:29
Speaker 3: we going to the doctor though?
8:32
Speaker 1: I despise the guy I am seeing but can't break
8:35
Speaker 1: it off because he will be devastated. Oh, I despise
8:40
Speaker 1: the guy I was seeing, too. Instead, I had a
8:42
Speaker 1: baby with him. I would break it off.
8:44
Speaker 2: Break it off.
8:45
Speaker 3: Break it off.
8:46
Speaker 1: If he's devastated, who even cares?
8:49
Speaker 2: Save some time.
8:50
Speaker 1: Well, also, like, what's the game plan here?
8:53
Speaker 2: And I go have to be unhappy. Guess who this
8:56
Speaker 2: is reminding me of?
8:56
Speaker 1: Who?
8:57
Speaker 2: George Costanza.
8:59
Speaker 3: When he's going to marry Susan and he can't do it,
9:01
Speaker 3: but he can't face that scene of breaking up.
9:04
Speaker 1: Oh, and then he accidentally chooses.
9:07
Speaker 3: I can't face that scene. Because I'd rather be unhappy
9:11
Speaker 3: for the rest of my life than face that scene.
9:15
Speaker 2: So true.
9:15
Speaker 3: It's like, fuck, I hate you, but God, I can't
9:18
Speaker 3: face that scene. I know.
9:20
Speaker 1: And then he has her lick the envelopes of their
9:22
Speaker 1: wedding invitations and it's poisonous and she dies.
9:25
Speaker 3: I know.
9:26
Speaker 1: And then he would have had so much money.
9:28
Speaker 3: Yeah, but he would have been unhappily married.
9:31
Speaker 1: Can I tell you, in real life, he would be so, like,
9:35
Speaker 1: he's a piece of shit.
9:36
Speaker 3: George.
9:37
Speaker 1: But he's so endearing on Seinfeld.
9:40
Speaker 3: Well, he's Larry David on Seinfeld. Jerry. You know that, right?
9:45
Speaker 1: Yes.
9:46
Speaker 3: Very good.
9:46
Speaker 1: It's not a lie.
9:47
Speaker 3: If you believe it. Sociopath. How are you going to
9:51
Speaker 3: not think he's a piece of shit in real life?
9:53
Speaker 3: His character is a piece of shit.
9:54
Speaker 1: I know, but do you find him endearing?
9:57
Speaker 3: Yes, I love. George. I could get George Costanza tattooed
10:01
Speaker 3: on me and it would be my favorite tattoo.
10:02
Speaker 1: My favorite tattoo.
10:04
Speaker 2: Yes.
10:05
Speaker 1: I always think about getting a Seinfeld tattoo.
10:07
Speaker 2: I may get.
10:09
Speaker 1: Larry David, the silhouette of Curb Your Enthusiasm. You know,
10:12
Speaker 1: it's just a drawing of his face.
10:13
Speaker 2: But no, I really.
10:14
Speaker 3: Here's the thing.
10:16
Speaker 2: I can't, but I wanted to. He really shat the bed. Kramer.
10:21
Speaker 3: He had that thing happen. Oh, that thing.
10:26
Speaker 2: But before that, I would have got him tattooed on me.
10:29
Speaker 1: Me too, and then he fucked it all up with
10:30
Speaker 1: his stand-up.
10:33
Speaker 3: Kramer.
10:34
Speaker 1: Kramer. My friend's ex cheated, so I peed on his
10:50
Speaker 1: toothbrush while on my period.
10:55
Speaker 3: Yes!
10:56
Speaker 2: He's like, oh, my gums are bleeding.
10:58
Speaker 1: Easton, you always just take it a little too far.
11:02
Speaker 2: Well, that's how you know you still have a line.
11:05
Speaker 3: You know what?
11:06
Speaker 1: This just made me happy. Love doing something horrible to
11:11
Speaker 1: a toothbrush.
11:12
Speaker 3: Okay? I've done that.
11:14
Speaker 1: I did that to my ex.
11:15
Speaker 2: Yeah, didn't you shove it in your ass? I think
11:18
Speaker 2: I'd rather have the period blood.
11:21
Speaker 1: I wrote about it in my book, not thinking that
11:22
Speaker 1: it was going to be, it was supposed to be
11:24
Speaker 1: like a love letter to my sobriety and all the
11:26
Speaker 1: like fucked up shit I did. And it became the
11:29
Speaker 1: headlines everywhere. And I remember it so vividly. We're in
11:33
Speaker 1: Miami and I fucking do it because he pissed me
11:35
Speaker 1: off for the fucking last time. I leave it out.
11:38
Speaker 1: He comes in brushing his teeth and I'm on the
11:40
Speaker 1: toilet and I just start cackling. And he's like, what,
11:45
Speaker 1: what's so funny? I was like, You have shit in
11:47
Speaker 1: your teeth. I shoved that toothbrush up my ass.
11:49
Speaker 2: Up your... Oh, God. I thought it was just like
11:52
Speaker 2: a toilet paper wipe.
11:53
Speaker 1: It could have been.
11:54
Speaker 2: In the ass.
11:55
Speaker 1: It could have been. It could have been. I don't remember.
11:58
Speaker 1: But the look of devastation puts.
12:01
Speaker 2: Me to sleep at night.
12:01
Speaker 3: That poor toothbrush.
12:03
Speaker 1: All I have to do is think about that and
12:05
Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm going to sleep like a baby. Good
12:08
Speaker 1: for you. You're a ride or die bitch. I am
12:12
Speaker 1: in love with a guy who won't even finger me
12:14
Speaker 1: during sex.
12:16
Speaker 2: Well, his penis is stuffed in there.
12:17
Speaker 3: How's he going to get a finger?
12:18
Speaker 2: Or are we talking clitoris rub? The clitoris! You got
12:28
Speaker 2: to ring the bell.
12:28
Speaker 3: Ring my bell!
12:32
Speaker 2: Maybe that's what that song was made for.
12:37
Speaker 1: This is horrible. You poor thing. You should talk to
12:40
Speaker 1: him about that.
12:41
Speaker 2: That is awful. You know what, though?
12:45
Speaker 1: When we're in love, we let a lot of shit slide.
12:47
Speaker 1: Just not his fingers. Cover your ears for a second.
12:50
Speaker 1: Cover your ears.
12:51
Speaker 3: Sorry.
12:52
Speaker 1: And like do the little thing so you get it here.
12:55
Speaker 1: There was a man I was in love with and
12:57
Speaker 1: we were fucking around, right? And I tell him, put
13:01
Speaker 1: your fingers in. And he looks at me and he goes, fingers?
13:04
Speaker 1: And I'm like, yeah, you ain't going to get it
13:06
Speaker 1: done with just the index, buddy. I mean, I'm going
13:08
Speaker 1: to need like this to happen.
13:11
Speaker 2: This to happen.
13:12
Speaker 1: Jesus Christ. That's how I knew he hadn't been with
13:15
Speaker 1: a lot of people.
13:16
Speaker 3: Oh, you're good. That felt really good. I'm going to
13:19
Speaker 3: need to clean my fingers after this.
13:20
Speaker 1: My old roommate ripped me off, so I signed her
13:23
Speaker 1: up for a Jehovah's... It's so good. For a Jehovah's visit.
13:32
Speaker 2: That really is.
13:33
Speaker 1: That's genius.
13:34
Speaker 3: No, it is because we weren't even on the shit
13:36
Speaker 3: list and people would do that to us with the Mormons.
13:39
Speaker 3: Remember at 36, 48? Yeah.
13:41
Speaker 1: And my mom would kind of be mean to them.
13:43
Speaker 1: And then she realized, and they would keep coming back
13:46
Speaker 1: because it's almost like, oh, they just need to find
13:48
Speaker 1: God or whatever. And so finally mom would answer the
13:51
Speaker 1: door and be like, hi, we actually are really strong
13:56
Speaker 1: in our faith. But we would love to invite you
13:59
Speaker 1: in for dinner. I just cooked dinner and we would
14:01
Speaker 1: love to invite you in because I'm sure you need.
14:02
Speaker 3: To eat or whatever.
14:03
Speaker 1: And they wanted nothing to do with us.
14:05
Speaker 3: Yeah, I would usually.
14:06
Speaker 2: I started to answer the door shirtless.
14:11
Speaker 1: Why?
14:11
Speaker 2: I had tattoos. They got the point.
14:14
Speaker 1: Oh, you cannot be saved. I made a fake IG
14:18
Speaker 1: so I could stalk my ex. This person is very kind.
14:21
Speaker 1: I can just tell because we all do that. Actually,
14:23
Speaker 1: I just do it.
14:24
Speaker 2: Straight from my own account. I just stalk from my own, yeah.
14:25
Speaker 3: See my name out there.
14:26
Speaker 1: Because I don't know how to, I can't figure out
14:27
Speaker 1: how to make a burner. It asks so many questions.
14:31
Speaker 2: You don't, no. You're too lazy to make a.
14:34
Speaker 3: Burner is what it is.
14:35
Speaker 1: Whatever the reasoning, I'm like, so many questions to make
14:39
Speaker 1: this burner. I'm just going to cyber stalk from my
14:41
Speaker 1: own account. Every time it asks me for an email, no.
14:44
Speaker 2: Email, it's like, you know how long my last name is?
14:46
Speaker 3: I'm not typing that in.
14:47
Speaker 2: Fuck you.
14:48
Speaker 1: Also, I don't want to get, like, you're probably going
14:50
Speaker 1: to pass my email to someone else.
14:51
Speaker 2: Yes, and then I just don't want to deal.
14:52
Speaker 1: And then I start getting others. Oh, my God. I
14:55
Speaker 1: slept with my ex-mother-in-law's ex-boyfriend. I let her find out
14:59
Speaker 1: as revenge.
15:00
Speaker 2: Well, what did she do to you?
15:01
Speaker 1: I wish she would have put that in because this
15:04
Speaker 1: could either be super cold or, like, super cold.
15:09
Speaker 3: Good for her.
15:11
Speaker 1: The ex-mother-in-law, she's got to be old. She went for, like,
15:13
Speaker 1: an old guy.
15:15
Speaker 2: Maybe the ex-mother-in-law was fucking a 24-year-old.
15:18
Speaker 3: You never know.
15:19
Speaker 1: Not only did you do your ex-mother-in-law dirty, but you did...
15:23
Speaker 1: Your man's dirty.
15:24
Speaker 2: I don't think she has many friends in that family anymore.
15:27
Speaker 1: You know what? It's okay. We do what we have
15:29
Speaker 1: to do to seek revenge, and there is no judgment here.
15:31
Speaker 3: Oh, revenge is sweet.
15:33
Speaker 1: Mine looks a little... My revenge looks a little different.
15:36
Speaker 1: I'm on my honeymoon and pregnant. I haven't told my
15:40
Speaker 1: husband yet.
15:41
Speaker 3: Oh, that'll be fun for him. Just 18 years to life.
15:46
Speaker 1: Also, like the honeymoon, like they're quite literally on their
15:49
Speaker 1: honeymoon phase or in their honeymoon phase. And there's nothing
15:52
Speaker 1: to bring you back to reality like a baby.
15:56
Speaker 2: Do you think he's clocking it, though? Like he's like, yeah,
16:00
Speaker 2: I'm going to give you a margarita. She's like, I
16:02
Speaker 2: have water.
16:03
Speaker 1: He's clocking it for sure on here. He's clocking it
16:05
Speaker 1: for sure. I get turned on having sex where I
16:08
Speaker 1: can get caught like my parents bed.
16:12
Speaker 3: I have no idea what she just wrote.
16:15
Speaker 1: She has sex in places where she'll get caught because
16:17
Speaker 1: it turns her on. Like she wants people to come
16:20
Speaker 1: in and find her. It's like. The thrill. Yeah, the thrill.
16:24
Speaker 1: That sounds terrifying.
16:26
Speaker 2: It really does. Start role playing. Lock the door.
16:29
Speaker 1: So I really wish I would have read all of
16:31
Speaker 1: these before I had you join the podcast.
16:33
Speaker 3: Moving on to the next one.
16:35
Speaker 1: Sometimes I prefer the vibrator over sex with my partner.
16:41
Speaker 3: Yeah. How could you not?
16:42
Speaker 2: I saw those things at work and I was like,
16:44
Speaker 2: where do we keep up?
16:45
Speaker 1: What do you mean you saw them at work? Oh,
16:47
Speaker 1: here at the podcast? Yeah.
16:49
Speaker 2: I mean, here's the thing.
16:51
Speaker 3: Even the fucking WNBA, that green dildo that flopped onto
16:54
Speaker 3: the court.
16:55
Speaker 2: I was like, that thing, if that thing is being used,
16:58
Speaker 2: we're no use.
16:59
Speaker 3: You are.
16:59
Speaker 1: Yeah. Men are no use.
17:01
Speaker 3: That's for sure. Thank you. I was hoping that I
17:04
Speaker 3: have a, just to let everyone know one other, a
17:08
Speaker 3: Manny in here.
17:08
Speaker 1: Yeah.
17:10
Speaker 3: He agreed.
17:12
Speaker 1: You know, you are... Here's the thing.
17:14
Speaker 3: You are.
17:14
Speaker 2: We're emotionally useful?
17:16
Speaker 1: When I had to change the fire alarm in Palm Springs,
17:22
Speaker 1: I was like, I could really use a husband right now.
17:25
Speaker 1: I could really use a husband.
17:26
Speaker 2: Where the fuck's the guy?
17:28
Speaker 1: He cheated, so I left tuna, milk, and egg yolk
17:32
Speaker 1: hidden all over his van.
17:34
Speaker 3: What? you should have taken it a little further and
17:41
Speaker 3: like put it in like the crevices of like window seals.
17:45
Speaker 2: So this motherfucker's just.
17:46
Speaker 1: Smelling tuna like in the sea belt.
17:48
Speaker 3: Yeah no like in the house like in his bedroom
17:51
Speaker 3: like where he opens the window like just smear some
17:54
Speaker 3: there smear it everywhere so this motherfucker is just like
17:58
Speaker 3: living at sea with just tuna He's like, where the
18:01
Speaker 3: fuck is this ocean coming from?
18:03
Speaker 2: I don't live anywhere near it.
18:05
Speaker 1: That's so good. When I had a cold and had
18:09
Speaker 1: to go to work, I licked the bully boss's straw.
18:13
Speaker 3: How fucked up that like, I've done that too.
18:18
Speaker 2: I was sick at work and they wouldn't give me
18:21
Speaker 2: the day off.
18:21
Speaker 3: So I touched fucking everything.
18:23
Speaker 2: Everyone got sick. And I was sick.
18:28
Speaker 3: Fuck it. Who cares? But I will tell you, people
18:31
Speaker 3: did get sick. And that was very worth it. So yes,
18:36
Speaker 3: with that girl.
18:37
Speaker 1: You're going to like this one. I prank called my
18:39
Speaker 1: boyfriend's ex and farted on the phone, then hung up.
18:42
Speaker 3: Well, that's what they are.
18:45
Speaker 2: Just a fart.
18:46
Speaker 3: Fuck them.
18:47
Speaker 2: You were right for doing that.
18:48
Speaker 1: You're dropping the F word so much. And even though
18:50
Speaker 1: I love it. I love it. So I don't know
18:56
Speaker 1: what our list. Actually, our listeners are just as rogue
18:58
Speaker 1: as us. My ex cheated, so I slept with his brother.
19:14
Speaker 3: Shitty brother. If I had a brother and he was like,
19:18
Speaker 3: I cheated on my ex, I wouldn't be like, can
19:20
Speaker 3: I sleep with her?
19:22
Speaker 1: Mine are really stupid.
19:22
Speaker 2: No, I'd be like, all right, good for you. If
19:25
Speaker 2: she talked to me, I'd go, no, no.
19:30
Speaker 1: Even if the girl, even if your brother cheated? What
19:34
Speaker 1: if you really liked the girl? Not liked her like that,
19:36
Speaker 1: but she was like a really great girl.
19:38
Speaker 3: I need to have a conversation with my brother.
19:41
Speaker 1: Your brother doesn't deserve a conversation. He's a cheating, lying scumbag.
19:45
Speaker 3: Could have answers.
19:47
Speaker 1: I once swirled my mom's new boyfriend's toothbrush. in a
19:50
Speaker 1: toilet and he used it. You guys, we're all so
19:54
Speaker 1: in sync. Go straight for the toothbrush. What is going
19:57
Speaker 1: into his mouth? You want to fuck around? Then you're
20:01
Speaker 1: going to find out.
20:01
Speaker 3: You want to fuck....
20:04
Speaker 2: What is that in you want to fuck on me the.
20:09
Speaker 3: Hangover when he jumps out of the car butt naked
20:12
Speaker 3: you want to fuck.
20:12
Speaker 1: On me who is that oh he's so good that
20:19
Speaker 1: movie we should.
20:19
Speaker 3: Watch that yeah no it's terrific so good he is
20:23
Speaker 3: a delight.
20:24
Speaker 1: I had an abortion 13 years ago and didn't know
20:27
Speaker 1: who the dad was.
20:28
Speaker 3: Wasn't that why you usually get him no oh I
20:32
Speaker 3: like whores from the north.
20:35
Speaker 1: He's a man.
20:35
Speaker 3: He's a man.
20:36
Speaker 1: No judgment here. Yeah. I mean, I think you made
20:38
Speaker 1: a great decision. After a bad fight with my ex,
20:42
Speaker 1: I would put Miralax in his food. So he's just
20:46
Speaker 1: shitting his brains out all day.
20:47
Speaker 2: That's genius.
20:48
Speaker 3: The sad thing is, if I had a significant other
20:51
Speaker 3: that did that, I wouldn't even know the difference if
20:54
Speaker 3: I was having Miralax or whatever the fuck that is.
20:56
Speaker 1: Miralax. Miralax. Yeah, my baby daddy makes my life 10,000
21:02
Speaker 1: times worse. I wish he would pass away.
21:06
Speaker 3: You know what?
21:07
Speaker 2: I'll add that to my prayers. What's her name?
21:11
Speaker 3: Anonymous? It's Anonymous.
21:12
Speaker 1: They're just getting things off their chest. I was having
21:16
Speaker 1: sex with my boyfriend and thought I squirted, but I peed. So,
21:19
Speaker 1: fun fact.
21:20
Speaker 3: Isn't squirting pee?
21:20
Speaker 1: Squirting is pee. It's just a super, super concentrated version
21:24
Speaker 1: of pee. So technically, you're fine.
21:26
Speaker 3: It's diluted.
21:27
Speaker 2: It's diluted urine.
21:29
Speaker 1: Pretty much. Yeah, you're good. Here's the thing. When you're
21:32
Speaker 1: being intimate with your person, shit's going to happen.
21:35
Speaker 3: Just to let you know, men are so stupid.
21:37
Speaker 2: If you were having sex, if he was having sex
21:39
Speaker 2: with you.
21:40
Speaker 3: And you just started to pee and you said, I'm squirting,
21:43
Speaker 3: we'd be like, yeah, yeah, she's squirting.
21:46
Speaker 2: We're dumb as fuck.
21:48
Speaker 1: I had a dream. I had a threesome with you
21:50
Speaker 1: and Amber. Sounds hot. I hope we looked good. I
21:53
Speaker 1: hope in the threesome I had my clippings. Wow.
21:56
Speaker 3: Wow.
21:57
Speaker 2: Moving on.
21:58
Speaker 3: Moving on.
21:59
Speaker 1: I slept with my sister's ex. I feel awful. I
22:02
Speaker 1: was drinking at the time, but sober now. No judgment.
22:06
Speaker 3: You know what?
22:06
Speaker 2: Write it in your book. Burn the paper.
22:14
Speaker 1: I hope nothing like that happens to my girls.
22:15
Speaker 3: Okay.
22:18
Speaker 1: I fake having diarrhea to hide in the bathroom for
22:21
Speaker 1: my husband and kids once a week.
22:24
Speaker 2: I do that daily.
22:25
Speaker 3: I'm going to take a shit.
22:27
Speaker 1: I've been there. I have totally been there. Lauren, I
22:31
Speaker 1: can't deal right now. I got to go to the bathroom.
22:34
Speaker 3: I go in there.
22:35
Speaker 2: I sit on top of the lid and just breathe.
22:38
Speaker 3: I'm like, Jesus Christ.
22:39
Speaker 1: I need a moment. It goes back to the commercial
22:41
Speaker 1: with the Milano cookies with the mom. She closes the
22:43
Speaker 1: door and it's locked and she's up against the bathtub
22:46
Speaker 1: just eating that and people are banging. She's like, cannot deal. Yeah.
22:50
Speaker 1: I'm right there with her.
22:50
Speaker 3: What's it called? I have a question. Do you understand this?
22:53
Speaker 3: It was in a stand-up.
22:54
Speaker 2: Louis C.K. He's back.
22:56
Speaker 3: He's not canceled. He's on Netflix, so I can say
22:58
Speaker 3: his name. But he said, with his two girls, he goes,
23:01
Speaker 3: you never understand that the little silence you get once
23:05
Speaker 3: you close the doors and you have that little walk
23:08
Speaker 3: back to your own door. In the car?
23:11
Speaker 1: It's so good.
23:12
Speaker 2: He's like, that is my Disneyland.
23:14
Speaker 1: I literally go.
23:16
Speaker 1: My kids will be mom mom look at my time
23:18
Speaker 1: like that's.
23:18
Speaker 3: So much.
23:21
Speaker 2: And then you gotta step back in prison.
23:24
Speaker 1: Oh this one's sad because i relate i want to
23:27
Speaker 1: get back with the man who treated me the worst
23:31
Speaker 1: i don't actually love my boyfriend i'm just comfortable and
23:35
Speaker 1: tolerating him babe we have all been there.
23:39
Speaker 2: How old is she? That's what I want to know.
23:42
Speaker 1: It's just stuff they want to get off their chest.
23:44
Speaker 3: I know, but I want her to not do that.
23:46
Speaker 3: I feel like she's a gem and could find somebody.
23:50
Speaker 1: Yeah, you should leave him.
23:51
Speaker 2: Yes.
23:53
Speaker 3: There's good men out there.
23:55
Speaker 1: What's going to happen is something's going to happen to
23:56
Speaker 1: push you out of the nest to get uncomfortable. I
24:00
Speaker 1: got caught giving head in a church basement by the priest.
24:05
Speaker 1: How fun for you.
24:06
Speaker 3: Well, duh.
24:07
Speaker 2: The priest just had to open his eyes.
24:09
Speaker 1: What do you mean?
24:10
Speaker 3: He was the one. The priest was getting the blowjob, guys.
24:17
Speaker 1: That was good. This is when I'm like, oh, you
24:21
Speaker 1: got that sense. You got your quick wit from dad.
24:24
Speaker 3: Dad, yeah. No, dad, I mean, yeah. You should have
24:26
Speaker 3: seen him drinking his wine on the patio.
24:29
Speaker 1: I started a GLP and everyone thinks I've been hitting
24:32
Speaker 1: the gym. No one needs to know. Again, you should
24:35
Speaker 1: only tell people if you want to. But if you
24:38
Speaker 1: look that good, you should give people your secret. I'm
24:42
Speaker 1: getting a facelift and hope my friends barf with envy.
24:44
Speaker 3: Oh, my God. The real girl.
24:53
Speaker 1: I slept with Santa Fall. With Santa Fall. Santa Fall.
24:56
Speaker 3: Why don't you say that?
24:57
Speaker 1: Vole. Vole.
24:58
Speaker 3: Santa Fall.
25:00
Speaker 1: Before Vanderpump existed and before I got sober, we were
25:04
Speaker 1: both cheating.
25:06
Speaker 3: Who was he cheating on?
25:08
Speaker 1: I don't know. We have the receipts.
25:12
Speaker 2: Was he cheating on Ariana before the... He was?
25:15
Speaker 1: Well, it says before Vanderpump existed. No, it was probably Kristen.
25:23
Speaker 2: Once a cheater, always a cheater.
25:26
Speaker 3: Is that true, though? Once a cheater, always a cheater?
25:33
Speaker 1: I think a little bit.
25:34
Speaker 3: I don't know. I think... As.
25:36
Speaker 1: Lisa Vanderpump would say, a leopard never changes its spots.
25:42
Speaker 3: Unless it gets violated.
25:45
Speaker 1: I think once you get sober, that's just the cure.
25:47
Speaker 2: The cure.
25:48
Speaker 3: The sober is changing your spot. Cause then you're like,
25:51
Speaker 3: I wasn't even a fucking leopard. I've been a.
25:53
Speaker 1: Zebra this whole fucking time. You guys, thank you for
25:57
Speaker 1: listening to a very unhinged episode, bonus episode of untraditionally Lala.
26:03
Speaker 1: I'm going to catch you guys on Wednesday for a
26:04
Speaker 1: regular old episode. I love you. Bye.