Latest / SAY GRACE | Weight Loss + Health for Overwhelmed Women- Stress, Busy, Consistency, Realistic, Motivation, Starting Over, No Restrictions / How we love each other, with my husband, Jess (pt 2)

Transcript

How we love each other, with my husband, Jess (pt 2) · SAY GRACE | Weight Loss + Health for Overwhelmed Women- Stress, Busy, Consistency, Realistic, Motivation, Starting Over, No Restrictions

• 0:39
  All right, y'all, we are back with our second episode with my sweet husband,
• 0:44
  Jess, on how we love each other.
• 0:46
  So on last episode, we talked a lot about our relationship, how it got started,
• 0:52
  some of our struggles and some of the things we've overcome.
• 0:55
  So if you missed that one, definitely go on back and listen.
• 0:57
  But today we are going to dive in a little bit more on the specifics of how
• 1:02
  we feel we've grown in different categories of our relationship.
• 1:06
  And so with that is going to come a lot of details about the things that we
• 1:10
  do, plus some of our thoughts and our ideas on how to improve relationships across the board,
• 1:17
  but definitely how we have improved ours. So here we go.
• 1:21
  This is going to have to be two episodes. So for the next episode,
• 1:26
  I think we can dive into the categories, like the relationship categories that...
• 1:34
  I kind of outlined, and again, Jess, I could, I mean, we could,
• 1:37
  I don't, this is just like some suggestions I found or whatever.
• 1:40
  We can always add on to this or whatever, but I just thought it'd be fun to
• 1:43
  like talk about actually the foundations of our marriage now, right?
• 1:49
  Like we, obviously we had a lot that, what we shared was just like a little piece of our journey.
• 1:54
  I think we each move, each home move and each childbirth was like a whole new
• 1:59
  season of learning and all the things.
• 2:02
  But now at this point, we are almost 15 years in.
• 2:06
  We will be having a baby two weeks before our 15th. I thought Shirley would be in Italy on our 15th.
• 2:14
  I think the plan was Hawaii. Then we decided maybe Italy, and now we're going
• 2:18
  to be at home. I'm going to be in diapers.
• 2:22
  Oh, man. I would like a jiggly belly. But okay, we will.
• 2:28
  Maybe for 16th or 20th or something, we'll have an awesome trip.
• 2:33
  So in almost 15 years of marriage, just talking about where we stand right now
• 2:38
  with our standards for marriage and with each other and all the things.
• 2:42
  And so the first thing that I have here is our non-negotiables with each other.
• 2:46
  And I think this has changed over time.
• 2:48
  I think it will continue to change over time. But what would you say your non-negotiables
• 2:53
  are with us in our relationship?
• 2:58
  It's changed a lot over our marriage.
• 3:01
  I think we talked about this in one of the podcasts I was on with you,
• 3:04
  but we always carve out time at some point throughout the week,
• 3:12
  To be alone, to spend time together. Not like going to bed kind of stuff.
• 3:17
  Like it used to be like in our second house, it was cheese and wine night.
• 3:23
  Yes, we'd put the kids down.
• 3:25
  Yeah, we would eat a snack at like 5.30 or eat a couple bites or whatever the
• 3:29
  kids were eating for dinner. We'd put them to bed at 7.30 and then at 8.30 we
• 3:33
  would start like a cheese and wine. Oh baby, because we had them. By fire.
• 3:37
  In the second house we had them overhead speakers and we just thought,
• 3:40
  oh. Plus, you know, we got on our music and opened a bottle of wine and it was fabulous.
• 3:45
  Yeah. So we did that. And I mean, we've done that. We did a little bit in this house, but not as much.
• 3:51
  We've done steak night a few times in that way. We'd feed the kids pizza and
• 3:56
  put them to bed and grill a steak.
• 3:59
  But I mean, as of late, it's been walking like some type of exercise together.
• 4:05
  Other well i mean if you walk with your spouse or
• 4:08
  significant other whoever for 45 minutes like
• 4:11
  you kind of like decompress and get all the things out that either worried you
• 4:16
  that day that you had a great day things that you want to talk about for the
• 4:20
  future like we talk about all kinds of stuff on our walks yeah and i think just
• 4:26
  that like the communication piece is a non-negotiable yeah like Like if we got to a place,
• 4:31
  and I know not everybody can do this because of kids and schedules and things like that,
• 4:36
  but finding 30 minutes to an hour at a minimum every week.
• 4:44
  We try to do it every day pretty much, but like it's not always.
• 4:48
  Watching your favorite Netflix show ain't it. That's right.
• 4:52
  You know. Especially if you have your phone in your hand while you're doing it.
• 4:55
  Yes. Yes, even that, like last year when we started putting our phones in the
• 4:59
  other room when we were watching our show, like even that has made such a difference.
• 5:04
  We both realize the other is fully tuned in on what we're watching.
• 5:09
  And, like, we're not even talking about nothing important. I mean,
• 5:11
  it's 930. I'm half asleep. But, like, I know that you're paying attention to
• 5:14
  what I'm paying attention to and not looking at houses on Zillow or whatever
• 5:20
  you've loved to do in your pastime. Yeah. You know?
• 5:23
  And, yeah, I think I hope. I actually, we were talking about this not long ago.
• 5:27
  Like I hope to go back to that, especially this summer when we have a little,
• 5:32
  you know, more wiggle room in the bedtime routine and less activities in the
• 5:38
  evenings with the girls.
• 5:39
  Like to be able to still say, OK, girls, you go on to bed or go in the playroom
• 5:44
  and watch a movie or whatever.
• 5:45
  And we put the baby down and be able to do the cheese and wine or the whatever,
• 5:49
  you know, the back porch sitting the way we used to when Glory was a lot smaller, you know.
• 5:56
  Because I do worry about that. I do worry about that. Like with the baby,
• 6:00
  it's like that will change.
• 6:01
  The season is going to change again. And so I don't know what that's going to
• 6:05
  look like after the baby gets here.
• 6:07
  And so I do have some thoughts as to what I would like for it to look like.
• 6:12
  And two, also, I think for a while there...
• 6:16
  We were able to really, and if you, if you followed me for a while,
• 6:21
  you know this, like we were able to really take some time to go out of town, you know,
• 6:28
  like, cause your job had took you out of town during the week.
• 6:33
  And so like if we could, and so if we could arrange childcare, then I could go too.
• 6:39
  And like, I feel like that was really beneficial for us for a while,
• 6:43
  for several years for, for us, but also for me by myself to just be able to get away.
• 6:49
  I needed that as I was like rediscovering some things about myself, you know?
• 6:54
  And so that for a while was our season of like, we would go to New Orleans for
• 6:57
  two nights and we would go on hot dates and we would act like we don't have any kids.
• 7:03
  And it was just like a good time yeah i think some other non-negotiables would be,
• 7:08
  we try our best to do as much as
• 7:11
  we can as a whole family and that
• 7:14
  is not always easy and i
• 7:17
  don't think it's going to get any easier lord have mercy you know
• 7:19
  but i just do not and i think we are blessed because we
• 7:22
  do have like all girls and the similar interests for
• 7:25
  them you know but i i
• 7:29
  would hate to be a family where like one's running
• 7:31
  one direction one's running the other all the time and like
• 7:34
  that has come with sacrifice though because what that means is
• 7:37
  daddy's not always going to deer camp every weekend you
• 7:40
  know or mama's not always going you know to a girl's dinner every like we are
• 7:46
  very very intentional with how we are spending our weekends so that we can spend
• 7:53
  them together as often as possible you know yeah very much so yeah and I think Like,
• 7:59
  I mean, again, that's the way we currently are set up.
• 8:05
  And I know that not everybody is like that or able to be like that.
• 8:09
  And so if you think about it, if we are in what we would probably,
• 8:15
  I would probably consider the best marriage relationship.
• 8:19
  Like, time frame of our almost 15 years. Like, I think our marriage is stronger
• 8:24
  now than it ever has been.
• 8:26
  If we split our time away from each other more often, and then we also didn't
• 8:32
  make time for each other. Yeah.
• 8:35
  That 30 minutes, an hour, whatever it is, like, I could see easily how we could
• 8:40
  not be as strong, not even close to as strong as we are currently.
• 8:46
  I agree with that. I don't think we'll always be able, I mean,
• 8:48
  the more, the, the more the girls grow and like the older they get,
• 8:52
  I don't think we'll always be able to like be glued together on the weekends
• 8:55
  and have 30 minutes to an hour every afternoon. Like, I just don't think that's possible.
• 9:01
  And so, but it's like, if you don't have either.
• 9:05
  What intention are you going to put in place that. Right.
• 9:08
  That you can figure out the time. So one thing we've been trying,
• 9:11
  because we know it's going to come change in May or whenever the baby gets here.
• 9:15
  But is waking up earlier, right?
• 9:19
  Like our kids are pretty set on when they wake up.
• 9:23
  We have to like drag them out of bed at 645.
• 9:26
  So that means if I can wake myself up, because you already do a great job of
• 9:30
  this, but if I can wake myself up at 545, there's our hour, right?
• 9:35
  We need to spend some time with God, obviously when we first wake up and that's
• 9:39
  what you're doing currently.
• 9:40
  But then 30 minutes of that could be with us. With our coffee,
• 9:44
  yeah. Yeah. And just kind of catching up on whatever.
• 9:47
  Some weekends you've been trying, maybe like a Saturday. Yeah. Yeah. With your coffee.
• 9:51
  Yeah. Well, that's, I mean, you know, Premier League soccer zone.
• 9:53
  Right. So it's sometimes. It's not really about me.
• 9:56
  But we get to enjoy each other either way. But, so I think, again,
• 10:00
  I think we have to find, and it has changed every season that we've been in.
• 10:05
  So we'll find what that next thing looks like whenever the season changes again. So. Hmm.
• 10:12
  Also, another thing that for the, like, I just feel like, which this has proven
• 10:16
  to be a little difficult. I'm going to say this out loud.
• 10:20
  Do I know what you're about to say? No, probably not. Because it's a brand new
• 10:24
  frustration or brand new struggle lately.
• 10:27
  I know. Are you ready? I don't think so. Okay. So you got your,
• 10:31
  your, this new job, which like requires you to be kind of on the road a lot more.
• 10:36
  So like now, I mean, used to your job was like, if you were at home,
• 10:40
  if you were in Mississippi, be, you were working from home.
• 10:43
  Like you had nowhere to be right outside of the home. You're working from home.
• 10:46
  And so now you're on the road nonstop for your job.
• 10:51
  And so when we have like appointments, we take separate cars and I hate that.
• 10:59
  I'm like, are you not going to drive me all the way to the doctor's appointment
• 11:02
  and then drive me home and drop me off?
• 11:05
  And you're like, no, because I wouldn't start work till lunchtime.
• 11:09
  And I'm just like, I love when we ride together. I just think that's like a good...
• 11:16
  Bonding time yeah well i mean
• 11:19
  i don't know what to tell you maybe maybe
• 11:22
  it'll get back maybe it'll get back that way
• 11:25
  eventually but but yeah i mean
• 11:28
  you're right like we do try to drive and we rarely.
• 11:31
  Take separate cars places lately to actually
• 11:35
  drive myself to whatever
• 11:38
  how's that been it sucks like oh
• 11:43
  anyway and that's so but up
• 11:46
  until lately we've been really you know been doing that
• 11:48
  but and then of course like we do like I said your
• 11:52
  little our little short trips but I think now that's over again because
• 11:55
  your job has changed we will not be doing like little short New
• 11:58
  Orleans trips but also like towards the end
• 12:00
  of that I was just kind of like what is the purpose and all this like
• 12:03
  you were stressed out because of work when we were there
• 12:06
  and like I was working but
• 12:10
  like trying to enjoy myself and my me time and
• 12:13
  like you just never really I just remember the last few trips we
• 12:16
  went on I remember thinking like he can't
• 12:19
  even be present with me like what is the point you know
• 12:21
  yeah and so my hope for the future is that I
• 12:25
  know it'll be different with the baby here this year but like to just
• 12:28
  get back to like normal people getaways that we're like we're actually both
• 12:33
  off work you know and even if it's two nights just to like connect fully yeah
• 12:39
  because like it looked like we were gone a lot and we were and it was fabulous
• 12:42
  but like we weren't real those really weren't our most.
• 12:47
  Like connective no you know no the ones where we're both off work both on vacation
• 12:53
  together obviously are the ones where we're both plugged in and like able to
• 12:58
  really enjoy that time and kind of re-energize our marriage or whatever but I think,
• 13:03
  I read a book a couple years back on one of our anniversary trips coincidentally
• 13:08
  but it was called Your Best Year Ever or something like that and it.
• 13:14
  Asks you to basically plan out different areas of your life.
• 13:19
  And I remember writing down in that, like the, our marriage piece,
• 13:26
  the goal was to have at least one date night every week.
• 13:31
  Didn't mean necessarily away from the house. Like, like I said,
• 13:34
  we, we do a lot of those just here by ourselves.
• 13:37
  One overnight hotel trip stay whatever a quarter and then one night,
• 13:48
  multi-day vacation like to a destination or
• 13:51
  something a year and I wrote
• 13:55
  all that down and you know kind of was like
• 13:58
  here this is what we're gonna attempt to do but like you mentioned because of
• 14:01
  my job one of those things was really easy or two of those things are really
• 14:05
  easy but I think that we just kind of became like that became our rhythm for
• 14:12
  the most part that was our getaway but But it really wasn't like a getaway for you. Yeah.
• 14:17
  And so I think that's something that we should try to get back to.
• 14:21
  And like you mentioned, we have a baby coming. So it's going to be a little
• 14:23
  tougher to do the quarterly thing or even the big trip this year.
• 14:29
  These grandmas are listening.
• 14:30
  Get ready. Listen up.
• 14:34
  We need you. We need you grandmas. But yeah, I mean, that's another thing.
• 14:39
  We've got a great support system around us to be able to do those things. Yeah, for sure. Yeah.
• 14:44
  If Cece listens to this, she will be texting you.
• 14:47
  Mom, please. Hey, can I take your kids with me? Anyway, we do.
• 14:51
  We have a great, we have a great.
• 14:53
  Okay, so our next category that I felt like would be a good one is acts of service,
• 14:58
  because I feel like this has changed. What's that face for?
• 15:02
  Nothing. I was just breathing, trying not to. Tent face.
• 15:06
  Well, I mean, those have come a long way. For sure. So, okay, elaborate.
• 15:16
  I mentioned this earlier a little bit, but I'm not the most timely with things always.
• 15:23
  For sure. So Constance will be a tornado in the kitchen and use almost every
• 15:30
  dish we own to cook a fine meal.
• 15:33
  Great, great. Follow me on Instagram. It's a great meal.
• 15:37
  If you want to see a picture. But the cleanup would then take about an hour and a half.
• 15:42
  And so there were times when we were first married and even in our second home
• 15:48
  where I'm like, I'll get to this tomorrow.
• 15:50
  Yeah. Because he does it most of the dishes. yeah and
• 15:54
  that was not necessarily okay
• 15:57
  with you no because i work in the
• 16:00
  kitchen i get it i get it i get it y'all
• 16:03
  look at my lunch today but ignore the pile of dishes in the background i mean
• 16:07
  i guess i could maybe i just blame you now everybody knows it'll be your fault
• 16:11
  if they see it in the for sure that's why they call me dish daddy that's right
• 16:15
  but anyway so that was i mean that was something we had to like.
• 16:21
  Work through or figure out how to appropriately be on each other's,
• 16:27
  like the expectations that we had for acts of service or whatever.
• 16:31
  And then also me, like not quite understanding.
• 16:34
  I mean, there's, there's different like sermons that we've listened to throughout
• 16:39
  the years that have helped impact my thoughts on this books,
• 16:43
  extreme ownership and things like that, that are like, there are things that
• 16:46
  I could do that would immediately change the way you feel about it.
• 16:50
  Right? So like if I, if I leave the dishes because I'm tired,
• 16:54
  I had a long day and I got to get up early in the morning.
• 16:58
  I got a presentation to give or whatever that I, I'm thinking about me and what I have to do.
• 17:04
  I'm not thinking about how those dishes in that sink are going to make you feel the next morning.
• 17:09
  And so you, you don't think about it in that way, but like I've,
• 17:13
  I've got the power in those dishes to change your day the next day, right?
• 17:19
  So if it takes me an extra 20 or 30 minutes to do the dishes and knock them
• 17:23
  out tonight versus tomorrow, it's going to set you up in a different way and
• 17:29
  a different mindset, like you just mentioned,
• 17:31
  to come into your kitchen and have those feelings and be inspired or be able
• 17:36
  to do the things that you do for work, right?
• 17:39
  And the same with washing clothes, right? Like if we have to think about,
• 17:45
  You leave this pile of clothes here or that pile of clothes there.
• 17:50
  It's not like always intended, but sometimes it sends a message that like,
• 17:54
  well, I expect her to do those or whatever, or she expects me to do that.
• 17:59
  And then maybe, oh, well, she doesn't know all the things that I've got going on.
• 18:04
  Why is she going to expect me to do the dishes tonight? Like all that's kind
• 18:07
  of selfish, selfish talk.
• 18:09
  But whenever you're like, again, I would love to be able to go back and hear
• 18:15
  the exact sermon that like made me kind of flip that switch and think,
• 18:19
  well, if I don't, she does.
• 18:22
  I think that was kind of the gist of the message was like anything that I don't
• 18:27
  do, it's putting more on your plate. Yeah.
• 18:30
  And so I think that that in itself has kind of helped me be OK with stepping
• 18:36
  up and doing more of like the anything.
• 18:40
  Anything. Yeah. But like I mean, like cultural norms. Right.
• 18:43
  When we were growing up, moms cooked, moms did dishes, moms did clothes.
• 18:47
  Right. And like that's not that's not today's cultural norms.
• 18:52
  Norms no but yeah but like the thing
• 18:54
  is growing up is like also cultural norms were
• 18:57
  supposed to be mom stayed at home yeah yeah so she could
• 19:00
  do all those things like nobody like remembers that
• 19:03
  part that's right that's right that's right moms also are starting businesses
• 19:07
  now and being executives and companies and all those things and then also fighting
• 19:13
  cultural norms about doing dishes and clothes and all the stuff so yeah i mean
• 19:18
  there's just so many things that kind of led to us,
• 19:21
  in my current mindset around acts of service, but it was always us trying to
• 19:26
  find a balance because like, I didn't do any laundry until like,
• 19:30
  I think we moved into this house. This house, yeah.
• 19:32
  Yeah, like you did all of it all the time.
• 19:36
  I helped fold some things from time to time and put some stuff away. Yeah. But like,
• 19:41
  You had to basically teach me how to use the washing machine.
• 19:45
  I still am. I saw you wash that bright blue shirt with the light pink pajamas.
• 19:50
  I'm like, bro. Girl, you want to wash them yourself?
• 19:57
  But, too, I think, like, on the flip side of what you were saying about,
• 20:00
  like, I've had a hard day.
• 20:02
  I don't feel like doing these dishes. Like, that mindset. I think from my perspective,
• 20:08
  like a lot more grace has been given and received around here.
• 20:14
  I think I think earlier in our marriage or maybe just if our marriage wasn't
• 20:18
  as in a healthy place as it is right now.
• 20:20
  Right. Like if you didn't have the mindset that you just explained,
• 20:23
  I think I was much more likely to be like, oh, he left those dishes knowing
• 20:31
  they were going to irritate me. You know what I mean?
• 20:34
  And not at all thinking about, wait, he he came in late and he also seemed a little stressed.
• 20:41
  And I know he didn't get much sleep last night, like not thinking about any
• 20:44
  of that stuff, but only thinking about myself and how you probably did that
• 20:49
  on purpose or, you know, you purposefully neglected.
• 20:53
  Yeah. xyz and so i think for
• 20:56
  for me especially i feel like that's been
• 20:58
  a huge a huge shift is to just kind of be like okay
• 21:02
  he did not knowingly you know leave the this has never happened in life this
• 21:09
  is more of a reverse thing but knowingly leave the milk carton out on the counter
• 21:13
  you know like so that i would have to come pick it up right like he he did he
• 21:18
  didn't realize it and his brain is distracted.
• 21:21
  And so I think a lot of times in marriage, we can, we can hold so much resentment
• 21:24
  from all sorts of other things, right?
• 21:26
  Not saying that, you know, some of it isn't serious and very valid for some, some couples.
• 21:32
  But because of that, we also start to, like, paint pictures in other areas of
• 21:38
  our marriage that are not correct. Yeah.
• 21:41
  You know? It bleeds into other things.
• 21:44
  And I think we did that a lot, especially early on. And I think it became like
• 21:50
  a scorecard, you know, like, well, I did this.
• 21:53
  And then because you did that and you didn't do this and I did this.
• 21:57
  And, like, that doesn't serve anybody.
• 22:01
  No. You know, like it doesn't, it doesn't improve anything, you know?
• 22:05
  And so I think that has been a big shift for us over the years is to just kind
• 22:11
  of be like, you know what?
• 22:12
  It's never going to be equal. And I talk to people about this all the time. I don't know why.
• 22:16
  I do not know why I'm talking to people about their relationships all the time.
• 22:19
  That is not my, you know, title.
• 22:22
  But I do. I talk all the time. I'm like, it is never going to be equal.
• 22:26
  No. Like the daddy is never going to bring the.
• 22:32
  Heart in the home the way the mama does. The daddy is not going to be thinking
• 22:36
  about those perfectly packed lunch boxes or decorations for Valentine's Day.
• 22:40
  We literally talked about this last week.
• 22:41
  I'm like, Thursday, we're going to shop for Valentine's Day because you know
• 22:44
  I want to decorate. I want to make it fun for the kids. You're never thinking about that.
• 22:48
  The daddy is not going to remember all the tiny little touches and all the other little things.
• 22:54
  But at the same time, the mama is not going to be able to get out there and fix that car.
• 22:59
  You know what I mean? Or whatever it is, the big things that the daddy does.
• 23:04
  And so it's just like, it will never be equal.
• 23:08
  The scorecard will never be equal because you will never be equally doing the
• 23:12
  same things that I'm doing. And that is like the purpose.
• 23:16
  Like we are meant to do, we are a partnership.
• 23:19
  We are not twins. We are not, you know, we are, you do things to strengthen
• 23:24
  our home and then I do things to strengthen our home and they are not the same things.
• 23:28
  That's right. Or else our home would be half broken. That's right. You know?
• 23:32
  And so I think, yeah, that first, I think the scorecard thing really has been
• 23:40
  something that evolved for me.
• 23:42
  Yeah. I mean, but it's kind of like you were just saying, it doesn't serve anybody.
• 23:47
  Like if you feel like your scorecard
• 23:50
  is better than mine, then you feel a different way about me. Right.
• 23:55
  I look at you lesser than. That's right. And so that's going to then impact all the other things.
• 24:01
  But you mentioned grace and that's obviously like super important in marriage
• 24:06
  and the communication piece.
• 24:08
  Like this is one of my favorite things. I don't know if I even thought that
• 24:13
  this was going to come up today, but.
• 24:16
  Do you remember whenever, I think it was after our first small group,
• 24:20
  like after we were in it for about a year or so.
• 24:23
  Do you remember, this is a great marriage tip, by the way. So if you're listening, turn it up.
• 24:28
  Do you remember the safety zone discussions that we had?
• 24:34
  I don't remember. Were the girls and the boys broke off? No,
• 24:37
  no, no, no. Just me and you.
• 24:39
  We had like a code word and I don't remember what it was.
• 24:43
  But there was a time where we, if we felt like we were in a,
• 24:47
  in a, like a great place together, like in that moment, we could say like, whatever the word was.
• 24:56
  And then I could tell you something about you. Yes, you loved this game.
• 25:00
  Oh, I loved it. Oh, he loved this game.
• 25:03
  I could tell you something about you that was driving me insane. He always did.
• 25:09
  And you couldn't be upset about it. That's right. Like you had to like internalize
• 25:14
  it and like, you know, whatever.
• 25:17
  And then like in turn, you would then turn around and tell me something that
• 25:20
  I'd been doing that was driving you nuts or getting on your nerves.
• 25:22
  You couldn't do it after a fight.
• 25:24
  No, no, no, no. There ain't no animosity going on. That's right.
• 25:27
  It couldn't be scorecardy. We called the code word. That's right.
• 25:30
  That's what made me think about it was a scorecard.
• 25:31
  Like we had to be in like a good place because like you could easily take offense
• 25:36
  to you don't know how to load a dishwasher.
• 25:38
  Right. Or you don't, you know, you don't know whatever.
• 25:42
  You don't know how to separate clothes for the laundry. I'd rather you not load
• 25:45
  the dishes at all because you suck at them.
• 25:48
  I don't remember them, but sometimes I do wish we brought that back.
• 25:55
  But that's, I mean, that's a, whenever you have like a thing that is like just
• 26:02
  driving you insane and maybe you're thinking, well, he's doing this on purpose
• 26:06
  or she's not doing that. and I wish you would or whatever.
• 26:10
  Like it would be a lot easier for you to just say it than to just deal with
• 26:16
  it every time it happens and then start having those feelings internally that
• 26:21
  something, that they're doing it on purpose.
• 26:23
  So just like heavier resentment than necessary for the thing. Correct.
• 26:27
  And don't you think though, those things for us anyway, they would come up in an argument.
• 26:33
  Oh yeah, eventually. Yeah, yeah. They're coming up either way And so you either
• 26:37
  bring them up when it's like,
• 26:39
  like you said, a safe zone or you bring them up when everybody's already on
• 26:42
  the defense and like emotions are high and like nothing good is about to come
• 26:47
  from you telling me that I suck at loading a dishwasher after, you know,
• 26:51
  usually it would be like after I've told you, you didn't do X,
• 26:54
  Y, Z, you know, like we're again, scorecard, scorecard. Yeah.
• 26:59
  Yes. Baby, we'll bring that back. We should. I think that I drove you so crazy, you need it.
• 27:04
  I think maybe you need more things to do. You wouldn't stop blowing the dishwasher.
• 27:08
  I've been trying to help you out. No, I was going to say that's a part of it.
• 27:13
  Like we changed to where like I exclusively do dishes.
• 27:19
  But then like as of late, going back to acts of service, as of late,
• 27:24
  whenever like I started a new job and I've got a lot going on.
• 27:27
  And you're still on the computer sometimes, the phone.
• 27:30
  Yeah, my brain's scattered, and I've got, like, I'm trying to learn all these
• 27:32
  new things and all this stuff.
• 27:34
  Like, I'll come out of putting the girls down, and then you will have done the dishes.
• 27:39
  And it literally changes my life. You know, like, I can now go take a shower
• 27:43
  and then get in the bed earlier or do whatever.
• 27:46
  Well, I mean, I've shifted my life because of this shift for years, you know. That's right.
• 27:51
  To where, like, and too, the girls just don't, like, want to hang with me in
• 27:55
  the afternoons. And it's like, when we get home, they want to go play, you know?
• 27:58
  And so I have that extra time to just kind of get stuff done.
• 28:02
  But I know that that shift may go back to you when the baby's here.
• 28:07
  Absolutely. Absolutely. And that's, I mean, it's always going to shift.
• 28:11
  That's, I think, something important about the whole, like, it's never going to be 50-50.
• 28:16
  Like, I don't think you will ever cut the grass. No, sir, not.
• 28:19
  Like, when we drive by any place ever and a female is cutting the grass.
• 28:26
  I say look at that look how fun look how fun that looks
• 28:28
  look at that wife I'm like she looks good but
• 28:31
  I ain't doing it oh man but so like there are
• 28:34
  things that you're never gonna do right and there are things that
• 28:37
  I'm never gonna do right like or will we like if you got out there and cut the
• 28:41
  grass I'd be real salty about the way you turn the tires in this area or whatever
• 28:45
  that's right and then like if I go grocery shopping you're gonna be real upset
• 28:48
  that I bought the wrong thing right like that big container of garlic like the
• 28:51
  big container of garlic you bought the wrong garlic and y'all my pregnancy,
• 28:56
  Why would you do this? That should have been a safe zone discussion. It was not.
• 29:04
  This takes up the whole refrigerator. I got a gallon jar of garlic.
• 29:11
  It was $2 cheaper. Oh, man. I don't know.
• 29:14
  But the whole point is like those things are never, there are things that I
• 29:20
  will never be able to do the way you do them.
• 29:23
  And so we don't try to cross those lines. I think we talked about this a couple
• 29:27
  of years ago, and it was like our first real conversation about this.
• 29:30
  And I tell any time I'm talking to anybody about relationships or whatever,
• 29:35
  I talk about this because it's the mental load.
• 29:39
  Because there is something that happens when you become a mom,
• 29:43
  right? And then gradually, it's like a gradual thing.
• 29:45
  It sneaks up on you. But next thing you know, you have so much in your brain
• 29:50
  that like, like me quite literally today, you know, I'm like,
• 29:55
  okay, I got to get a rug for the baby's room.
• 29:58
  I got to get a storage bench for my workout equipment for our bedroom.
• 30:02
  Glory needs Valentine's for her class. Sarah Mason needs to make sure she looks
• 30:05
  presentable because it's class pictures today. Like literally just that is in my brain.
• 30:09
  And like nonstop moms are doing stuff like this.
• 30:12
  Oh, we got to take the snacks to the ball game. Oh, we got to,
• 30:15
  you know, make sure that we've got a gift for the birthday party that's on Saturday.
• 30:19
  And if I don't want to go to Target, I better order it on Amazon by Wednesday, like whatever it is.
• 30:24
  It's literally been like my thoughts just this week alone. And so on top of
• 30:29
  my work thoughts, my, you know, normal mom thoughts.
• 30:32
  And so I think me introducing this idea to you, which was introduced by my therapist, guest.
• 30:38
  Really help you understand that, okay, even if she's not running around here
• 30:43
  doing dishes, doing laundry,
• 30:45
  mopping the floors, whatever, that doesn't mean that she is not actively in
• 30:50
  her role right now and possibly stressed out. That's right.
• 30:53
  You know, and so I think that is something so important to share with your spouse.
• 30:58
  And sometimes, like, I realize that with you, especially right now,
• 31:01
  like, I can just tell with you, I see your wheels spinning. You're like,
• 31:04
  Like, you know, oh, God, I mean, how do I log into this MacBook?
• 31:08
  Okay. Okay. Okay.
• 31:13
  I know how to log into it. He got a Mac. He got an Apple computer,
• 31:18
  you know, and he's been used to using PCs.
• 31:20
  I mean, just, but I can see that, that your brain is working just a lot harder
• 31:24
  in a lot different ways than it has been previously.
• 31:27
  And so, like, just having each other aware of that, you know,
• 31:31
  it's not like I can't ask you to fix it.
• 31:33
  And I don't expect you to come up with the Valentine's for Glorious class because
• 31:37
  if you did, it would be those cut out ones from the Kroger aisle.
• 31:42
  You're dang right. Yeah.
• 31:44
  And I would be, that's what you said to me when I said we got to get Glorious
• 31:46
  Valentine's. You're like, you don't just get them from the aisle. Walmart.
• 31:49
  I'm like, not in 2026. You don't. Jeez.
• 31:53
  And so that wouldn't meet my standards. So I know that that I there are some
• 31:58
  things that are my mental load that I am going to have to carry because I have a standard for it.
• 32:05
  But yeah, it'd be cool to just share with each other that that's going on. Right.
• 32:12
  Yeah. I think it's the acknowledgement of it, to be honest with you,
• 32:15
  because like, I mean, obviously your husbands or boyfriends or whoever,
• 32:19
  they know that like all that stuff gets done somehow.
• 32:22
  But it's kind of the invisible workload. Like what was the process?
• 32:26
  What was the system to get it there? Like, you know, and that's what a lot of
• 32:30
  women are turned inside out about.
• 32:32
  It's like, you don't understand what all it took me to pull this off or to get
• 32:38
  this done or, you know, whatever.
• 32:41
  Because a lot of times we feel like we're neglecting other responsibilities
• 32:44
  in order to get the things done that are on our mental load.
• 32:49
  And again, a lot of times it's like, you can't fix that for me.
• 32:54
  And for me specifically, I have had to let go of a lot of it so that I can have
• 32:59
  my sanity. You know, I have had to just, like, release a lot of it, you know? Yeah.
• 33:04
  Like, next year, Glory may get the box Valentine's from the Kroger Isle,
• 33:08
  you know, with a baby and all the things, right?
• 33:11
  And so I've had to learn to release a lot of that. And so it's not that I'm
• 33:15
  asking you to, like, come alongside and fix it unless there's something you
• 33:19
  could actually help me with. Right.
• 33:21
  But just like you said, the acknowledgement of it does make it feel like,
• 33:25
  okay, I'm not alone on this island.
• 33:27
  Well, it's the acknowledgement of it, plus the, like, if you have to do the
• 33:32
  dishes and the clothes and all that mental load and all the other things that
• 33:38
  cook and all the things that you do.
• 33:40
  Like, that leaves space for the resentment to creep in because I'm not contributing
• 33:47
  to some of those things or whatever. Right.
• 33:50
  But the, the mental load thing's invisible, right?
• 33:53
  You can see dishes, you can see clothes, you can see what you cook,
• 33:56
  you can see your paycheck from, from work.
• 33:59
  Like you can see all those things. You can't see mental load.
• 34:02
  And like, I think us kind of figuring that piece out is what helped me understand
• 34:08
  more how I could be a better partner to you in that.
• 34:14
  Because like, I don't want to do that. But let me let me say this.
• 34:17
  So there are things where like you overdo.
• 34:21
  Right. Like because we talked about like you could easily just order the little
• 34:25
  Valentine's from Walmart.
• 34:26
  But then that's not that's not how you want to do that. Right.
• 34:29
  And so there's a space where it's like, OK, you are kind of excessive in this.
• 34:34
  Like I don't need to pick up as much slack because you take all your time trying
• 34:38
  to pick out the perfect Valentine's Day or whatever.
• 34:41
  So like there's there's a balance to that too like
• 34:44
  you can't overdo everything and expect everybody to pick up all the other
• 34:47
  things but just having
• 34:50
  that understanding that like there is a big invisible thing
• 34:53
  there that i'm not that is not
• 34:56
  tangible to to your like to my
• 34:59
  eyes yeah and it's a big part of our lives
• 35:02
  and so knowing that is i think changed kind
• 35:05
  of how we look at chores quote unquote or like things
• 35:08
  to serve each other which i mean not to like bring it back to weight
• 35:11
  loss but to kind of bring it back to weight loss like this is why with our ladies
• 35:14
  i love to get to know our pfm plus ladies and even
• 35:17
  get to know their husbands like how their husbands are because
• 35:21
  like if their husbands are really not into healthy eating
• 35:24
  at all they like home-cooked meals blah blah blah i'm like let's probably
• 35:27
  not set your goal to
• 35:30
  be you know super clean eating dinner recipes
• 35:34
  because like it's more mental load for you to do right number one but number
• 35:40
  two you're going to get a lot more pushback and maybe someone who isn't fully
• 35:44
  aligned or doesn't fully agree and so it's all about just kind of like meeting
• 35:47
  where you are and and and taking those baby steps and understanding like,
• 35:54
  That it's okay that it's not exactly how you think it should be right this second.
• 36:00
  Okay, so I know we've moved into communication a little bit,
• 36:04
  but is there anything else that you feel like really has stood out for us for
• 36:12
  communication changes?
• 36:17
  I don't know. I mean, I think you mentioned kind of when we were talking about the safety zone.
• 36:22
  Like, I think when you decide to communicate is a very important key, you know?
• 36:30
  Like, I think if I'm in a, if I'm in a space that, like you mentioned,
• 36:35
  like you can tell I'm stressed or I've had a long day or whatever.
• 36:38
  I don't have the time to tell you how you've been sucking around the house.
• 36:40
  Yeah. Or like talk about it in general. So it's like just picking up on those
• 36:45
  cues and understanding that, like, yeah, it's not necessarily pick your battles,
• 36:51
  but it's like pick your timing maybe. Yeah.
• 36:53
  Because like, it may be like driving you insane, but like, I ain't going to
• 36:58
  receive it in that way. And it ain't going to be changed right away if we fight about it for an hour.
• 37:03
  But, yeah, did you say other than communicating or, like, just different types
• 37:07
  of communicating? He was texting while I was asking.
• 37:11
  I'm trying to, like, keep up with some work stuff. Let's talk about communication.
• 37:16
  Let's do it. Well, look, that's another thing. Like we've it took us a long time,
• 37:21
  but we've tried to comprehend that whenever the other person is like trying
• 37:26
  to get through a text or something, maybe it's time to just be quiet because
• 37:30
  they're not listening. Except we're on a podcast. We're on.
• 37:33
  I'm trying. Okay. I'm just messing with you. We've got a lot going on today,
• 37:37
  y'all. We're thankful he's even here with us.
• 37:39
  Okay. Okay, but so I think the one thing, though, that I feel like really was
• 37:42
  a game changer for us with communication actually was in those earlier days before we got married.
• 37:47
  We learned that communication, like, it was like a sentence, remember?
• 37:52
  Yeah. I still use it to this day, where it's like, instead of saying,
• 37:57
  like, you always do blah, blah, blah.
• 38:01
  Or like you, you know, like you do this really is how, you know.
• 38:06
  It's you always and you never.
• 38:08
  You always and you never. I sometimes do that. For sure.
• 38:11
  I think I do too. You do. But there was like this phrase that we learned where it's like, when you do X.
• 38:22
  You, or it, not you make me, it makes me feel like X and this is why.
• 38:29
  Right. You know, so it kind of turns it around instead of it being like a you
• 38:34
  statement, it's like it turns it around to an I statement.
• 38:37
  Like, and I think sometimes I use the word trigger now.
• 38:41
  Like when you do X, like I'm triggered because of blah, blah, blah.
• 38:46
  And so it doesn't say you're the problem. Like you're the reason that has caused all my problems.
• 38:53
  It's like this is what is happening. This is how I'm experiencing what is going on.
• 39:00
  And so it just makes it a little less blaming and shaming and guilting and heavy
• 39:05
  so that you are more easily able to maybe relate or resonate instead of automatically get defensive.
• 39:15
  And so that really was a game changer for me a long, long time ago.
• 39:19
  Yeah. Yeah. And I mean, it's again, like anytime you're arguing or you're bringing
• 39:25
  up something that you don't necessarily like or that is not just a glowing positive. Yeah.
• 39:33
  The other person is going to receive it differently, a lot of times differently
• 39:37
  than you're presenting it.
• 39:39
  So having that, like instead of it being a finger pointing at them and you're
• 39:44
  doing this and you always and you never and you, you know, don't help and you don't whatever. Yeah.
• 39:51
  Like you said, it's kind of helping me understand that my actions,
• 39:56
  even though I'm not intending them to be a certain way, they're hitting you a certain way.
• 40:01
  That's how you're receiving that.
• 40:04
  And I mean, it's kind of like a, it's a pretty good checkpoint to like understand,
• 40:09
  well, that's not at all how I meant for that to come off.
• 40:12
  But if that's how you're if that's how
• 40:15
  it's hitting you that's how you're you're being
• 40:18
  influenced by it or affected by it like it it's
• 40:21
  time to do it differently or there's something else maybe that that we haven't
• 40:26
  talked about yet that is making you feel that way something else i did or that
• 40:31
  we haven't discussed that's kind of influencing this but i think a lot of times
• 40:36
  that helps both of us kind of.
• 40:39
  Recalibrate how we're handling a situation. Yeah.
• 40:43
  Like I'll never buy a gallon of garlic again. You know what I mean?
• 40:47
  But like we wasted probably a lot more time on that conversation than we should
• 40:52
  have or needed to because I mean, pregnancy hormones or whatever.
• 40:56
  They weren't, but, but like that's, that was a great example of it, you know? Yeah.
• 41:03
  Like we could have talked about it differently, but either way,
• 41:07
  the point's there and like, I'm never going to forget it that
• 41:10
  like squeeze garlic's better than scoop garlic you
• 41:13
  know what I mean like that's that's a
• 41:16
  that's a thing that I'll know now oh my gosh oh
• 41:19
  I've been so like in this
• 41:22
  you really you really have I've been so pleasant
• 41:25
  in this pregnancy and so I think he just like I don't
• 41:28
  know he probably was like what has happened because I immediately
• 41:31
  was like what did you do
• 41:34
  this but i've had some history with
• 41:37
  with non-squeeze mint scarlet that
• 41:40
  i was just mad anyway anyway
• 41:44
  so i think and i do think like
• 41:47
  one thing to note through like
• 41:50
  so far throughout this whole episode or these episodes is
• 41:53
  like we do communicate in
• 41:56
  general when it's not pressing when
• 41:59
  it's not an argument when it's not like like what he talked about
• 42:02
  you know we try to get 30 minutes to an hour together every
• 42:05
  day and like we are communicating about all the things
• 42:08
  not just like the negative things and i just think that in general helps like
• 42:12
  if you're just constantly in communication about all the things you know yeah
• 42:16
  it you feel like your communication is better period that's right you know yep
• 42:21
  okay do we want to do you want to pause this and come back to it i mean Peace.
• 42:29
  I'm just wondering about your time. Yeah. I mean, just got to go. When?
• 42:33
  How many minutes? 14. 14. Okay. We've got 14 minutes. Okay.
• 42:40
  Okay. So, okay, we can finish this up. We're going to talk about the fun,
• 42:46
  the intimacy, and then the gratitude.
• 42:48
  And I think that'll be good. Let's do it. Okay.
• 42:52
  So, I think one thing for us is to, like, and again, I don't know if we,
• 42:58
  like, when we were first married, I just didn't know what marriage looked like.
• 43:02
  Like, I don't know. I don't know about you.
• 43:04
  But, like, fun wasn't really, fun to me was, like, are we going to go out to
• 43:09
  date with our friends, you know?
• 43:11
  Or, like, I didn't really know what fun inside of our marriage looked like.
• 43:15
  Yeah. And I think this has been something that has really changed for us because
• 43:18
  we are like socially not going out. Recluses. Yeah.
• 43:27
  Not recluses. I mean, no, but we're not the most social.
• 43:31
  No, we're not. And I don't think back then we were going every weekend we were doing something.
• 43:36
  And now we're like, what are us and the kids going to do on Friday night?
• 43:39
  You know, like it's very different. But I think we're having way more fun now
• 43:42
  than we ever have in our marriage.
• 43:45
  And so I think we just like work to incorporate it differently than maybe we
• 43:51
  saw it at first in our marriage. Yeah. Right.
• 43:55
  Yeah. What do you think? Huh.
• 43:59
  I mean, I think it's kind of like everything else. Like we've changed as people.
• 44:05
  Yeah. And so kind of what we desire or view as fun has obviously changed,
• 44:13
  but I think that was one of the like kind of hiccups with us being like all
• 44:18
  in last year on having another baby.
• 44:21
  Like we've, we had gotten to a place where we were actually having fun with our kids.
• 44:25
  Like we could take them on whatever like trip we wanted to go on and like there
• 44:30
  was fun stuff to do and fun to be had.
• 44:33
  And so, obviously, throwing an infant in the mix there is going to be a challenge.
• 44:37
  We're still going to have fun. We're going to still have fun.
• 44:39
  But, like, I think that's kind of the key.
• 44:43
  We've got a mindset that says we're still going to, right?
• 44:48
  Like, we're not going to allow things to necessarily hold us down.
• 44:54
  Yeah. I mean, I don't know if that's the right way to say that.
• 44:57
  But like, we're going to, we're
• 44:59
  going to figure out how to keep doing whatever it is that we want to do.
• 45:03
  That's going to be good for our marriage. It's going to be good for our family.
• 45:07
  As long as we feel like it's what we're being called to do. Right.
• 45:10
  Or made to do. If that makes sense. Like, we'll, we'll see.
• 45:15
  But like, hopefully a year from now, we're planning like a spring break trip
• 45:18
  to a mountain and we'll be backpacking a baby on a hike. Yeah, in October.
• 45:24
  Well, I'm just saying, like, maybe both, but the point is, I think you're right.
• 45:32
  At first, it was all like, well, we had a bunch of weddings and we had like,
• 45:36
  you know, dinner parties and everybody had a Halloween party and an ugly sweater
• 45:40
  and a Super Bowl and like all the things. And yeah.
• 45:45
  You have kids and you kind of outgrow that kind of stuff or you,
• 45:48
  you still do it, but it's, it's not like every single weekend.
• 45:52
  And so then you got to find like, what's our rhythm? What's our,
• 45:54
  what is every single weekend?
• 45:56
  And is it boring? Is it, we go our separate ways. Is it right?
• 46:00
  Yeah. And so I think we've, we've tried, like you mentioned to always kind of
• 46:04
  figure that out together.
• 46:05
  And so like, I love hunting just as much as the next guy, but I also know that
• 46:10
  like, if I do that too much, it's going to affect other things.
• 46:15
  Right. And so my time here with y'all, like I try to do and I hated this.
• 46:21
  I was never a morning hunter.
• 46:23
  Right. Like I love a good afternoon hunt. But like whenever Glory was born,
• 46:27
  I really started hunting mornings because Glory was born in December.
• 46:32
  She was born in December.
• 46:34
  Baby. Well, that's right. But the point is, is like I could get up and leave and be gone by 5 a.m.
• 46:40
  Sarah Mason's going to sleep for another two hours. I'll be hunting and then
• 46:44
  done by, you know, 9, 10 back home before lunch.
• 46:48
  And then we have the rest of the day to do family stuff versus an afternoon
• 46:53
  hunt being middle of the day.
• 46:55
  I'm leaving at lunch to go and then I won't be back until at dinner or after.
• 46:59
  I've kind of messed up our whole day. And it's just a lot. In the afternoon
• 47:02
  as a mom, it feels like a lot more responsibility.
• 47:04
  Sure. Like our kids have just always been slow movers and easy going in the morning.
• 47:08
  And so I'm not like trying to pat myself on the back for that decision,
• 47:11
  but like that's a purposeful thing we did.
• 47:15
  Like you're generally okay with, oh, you're going to go hunt in the morning? Cool.
• 47:20
  But like we're going to go hunt in the afternoon? Like, wait, wait, we got to do.
• 47:23
  And like, so there's that balance of if I want to do what I want to do,
• 47:27
  I'm going to do it around time.
• 47:29
  The family so that we can still have that time and do the fun things together
• 47:34
  that we want to do. Right.
• 47:35
  So I think it's about being intentional with those things.
• 47:39
  Right. Well, and I think just like not assuming that like there is no fun to
• 47:43
  be had just because, again, we've got jobs and we've got kids.
• 47:46
  And we've got kids. Yeah, kids.
• 47:48
  And I mean, again, I tell people all the time, like, it's a mindset.
• 47:51
  Everything in life is a mindset. Like, are we, I mean, this baby could rock our world.
• 47:57
  Oh, yeah. And we will adjust and we will have to deal. However,
• 47:59
  that comes for us with with grace for ourselves in the moment.
• 48:03
  Right. But like, are we going to assume that just because we've got an infant
• 48:06
  on the way that life's about to like suck?
• 48:08
  You know, like that, that's that sucks. That sucks.
• 48:12
  Who would have a baby if that's what you assume about it?
• 48:15
  You know what I mean? And so it's just kind of that mindset around fun in general
• 48:20
  is like, sure, it's not always going to look the same.
• 48:24
  But like, does that mean life has to feel miserable? No, there's a there's a very.
• 48:29
  There's a balance. Like you just said, there's a balance. And so I think,
• 48:31
  too, though, one thing we've really done more of is like we just laugh at home.
• 48:37
  Yeah. Like we laugh about stupid things. We laugh about. Well,
• 48:40
  I'm very funny. You are hilarious.
• 48:43
  Hilarious. I think a lot of the stupid stuff that you say now that I used to
• 48:47
  get really annoyed with, I actually laugh at now. And I'm like, I don't know.
• 48:54
  I don't know who that says, what that says about me. But like,
• 48:57
  you know, like I laugh. I think your stupid man sex humor is hilarious.
• 49:06
  I was like, are you kidding me? What an idiot.
• 49:09
  It didn't always it didn't always land. That's for sure.
• 49:13
  I don't know. I mean, again, I think it's I think it's all encompassing.
• 49:16
  I think if you have more confidence in me to like lead your family and like
• 49:21
  release control to me, then like you're gonna you're gonna like naturally feel
• 49:25
  more open to things right and so like,
• 49:30
  whereas you were probably a little bit more closed off or whatever
• 49:33
  in those times where we were trying to like do the power struggle of who's doing
• 49:37
  the most and the scorecards and all the things like one even like in our sex
• 49:41
  life like I feel like and I feel like there's so many people like there's even
• 49:45
  like stupid crap on social media that's like I think we talked about this where
• 49:50
  it's like the husband, you know,
• 49:52
  it's like I spend all his money and then I open my legs.
• 49:58
  It's like, it's like very, like, I don't know. It's like very scorecard-ish, you know what I mean?
• 50:03
  And I do think not necessarily that extreme, but I do think,
• 50:07
  You know, at Seasons in Our Lives, it was just kind of like,
• 50:09
  well, I did this for you. So can you do this for me now?
• 50:12
  You know, that kind. And so, no, your sex jokes aren't funny when I'm like,
• 50:17
  you're trying to get me to do something for you.
• 50:20
  I mean, you know, like, I don't know. That whole dynamic has just really,
• 50:23
  really changed for us. So, yeah, it's without getting all.
• 50:27
  Well, I mean, sure. Sure. But I think, again, it's all the other areas that
• 50:33
  kind of contribute and lead to the like the being on the same page about the other things.
• 50:39
  It's softened everything.
• 50:42
  Yeah. And it's no longer something that feels like I owe you or you owe me now
• 50:48
  because I like that's just so far out of the zone. For sure.
• 50:54
  And so then that's like taking us into the intimacy. And I think we're not going
• 50:59
  to go, you know, there are most of our ladies have little children.
• 51:02
  We're not talking about pulling goalies or anything.
• 51:04
  No, you're done with that episode. Okay.
• 51:08
  I mean, we need to create a picture. I can be PG. Like I can. Okay.
• 51:15
  But I think part of that, like our improvement in intimacy in general is number
• 51:19
  one, that it's not just about sex. Right. Like, it's not...
• 51:24
  No, physical touch is way more than just bedroom stuff.
• 51:28
  And I think we've gotten just a lot more comfortable there.
• 51:32
  I feel like I put on my notes, like, just a hug. Like, we hug or kiss,
• 51:37
  like, daily, multiple times a day.
• 51:39
  Like, not only just for, like, intimacy in general, but, like,
• 51:44
  God, it calms my nervous system so much. And you know that.
• 51:47
  Yeah. And so it's just, it's been such a, that's been such a game changer for
• 51:50
  me is just to be able to, like, stand there and hug. And I think it's a bonus
• 51:53
  that our kids get to see it, right?
• 51:55
  For sure. And then it also like that, the confidence that I get to feel because
• 52:01
  I know that like just my hug, my embrace is like helping you.
• 52:05
  You're helping me, yeah.
• 52:06
  Is like, it's a boost of confidence, you know? So it's like,
• 52:09
  again, it makes everything.
• 52:10
  It puts you in that leader position. Yeah, yeah. It feels like I have an impact.
• 52:14
  Yeah, for sure. and then also I think
• 52:17
  we've just like become more open to
• 52:20
  conversation around intimacy become like
• 52:24
  just more comfortable with it in general
• 52:27
  and I don't I think
• 52:30
  it took us a while to get there because we got married so young you know
• 52:33
  and I don't know how other people I don't know their stories you
• 52:36
  know but like that's not it's not really like something I
• 52:38
  was super comfortable with in general as a human being
• 52:41
  and then I married a man yeah you
• 52:45
  know and then there were expectations as a
• 52:49
  married woman and like I don't know I just I feel
• 52:52
  like being able to have the conversation being
• 52:55
  able to like we did all we've done all kinds of things from
• 52:58
  like just being very intentional that forced us to get comfortable in that area
• 53:06
  yeah and other things too right like Just because you take me out for a steak
• 53:12
  dinner or whatever doesn't mean that you automatically equal what, you know?
• 53:17
  Yeah, yeah, yeah. In fact, you know, most of the time I'm like,
• 53:19
  I ate too much. Oh, every time. Yeah, yeah.
• 53:23
  I mean, yeah, it's, it's. Let's get ready at five.
• 53:27
  Our dinner reservation isn't until seven but what are we going to do in our
• 53:32
  mean in the meantime and you're always like let's go shopping.
• 53:40
  Yeah i'm just kidding you know like i got my makeup on baby let's go no but
• 53:47
  yeah i mean it's i don't know again it's like anything else the more it's not
• 53:52
  something that everybody talks about And so when we got married at 24 or, yeah, 24 and 25,
• 53:59
  like, not everybody, like, not everybody's on the same page.
• 54:04
  Not everybody comes from the same place.
• 54:06
  And a lot of our friends were liars. Well, yeah, but. Oh, yeah.
• 54:11
  So full of it, 100%. But, yeah, again, also, it's an expectation.
• 54:17
  And if you don't discuss those things, and we didn't, we never discussed that
• 54:21
  before marriage. We didn't discuss it early in our marriage.
• 54:23
  And so we just kind of like dealt with it. And just assumed it was supposed
• 54:27
  to be one way and it's not the way that we were living.
• 54:30
  So then again, that was like more pressure, more stress.
• 54:33
  Yeah. All the stuff. Yeah. Like you were like, you're not giving it to me every
• 54:38
  night. You're withholding. And you're spending all my money.
• 54:43
  It wasn't supposed to be this way. It did not. Yeah. But no, I mean, again, it's,
• 54:51
  expectations are everything and then communication is
• 54:54
  the only way that you like get expectations across
• 54:57
  yeah and if you have expectations and they're
• 55:01
  unfounded or they're not communicated then
• 55:04
  they're just going to turn into issues yeah and so like that's the whole point
• 55:08
  of the communication piece i think that's probably the key to all this once
• 55:12
  we've boiled down all the things is like us being able to talk to each other
• 55:17
  about hey this is bothering me about you This is a safe zone.
• 55:21
  Let me let me tell you that that thing you're doing is really bothering me.
• 55:25
  And you being able to like receive it and then not be like scorecardy and think,
• 55:30
  well, he did this, that and the other.
• 55:32
  It it all like works together to help us have like a better whole marriage.
• 55:38
  That's right. Right. Yeah. In all the areas.
• 55:40
  And I think like even so we're talking about this as if we were like,
• 55:44
  you know, I'm seeing it's time for you to go.
• 55:46
  OK, we're talking about this as his phone lit up. But we're talking about this
• 55:51
  as if it's like all this stuff we've learned and it is stuff we've learned and we know.
• 55:55
  But like we I think it's important to say that we are actively still doing that
• 56:00
  work. Like we're still showing up for it.
• 56:03
  In fact, one of our ladies on our retreat was talking about this app.
• 56:06
  Yeah, I thought you were going to bring it up. Yeah, her and her husband have been doing.
• 56:10
  And you like answer individual questions every day that's prompted by the app.
• 56:15
  And then you come together and you can talk about it, but you can see each other's
• 56:19
  answers once each other answers them. And it's called the paired app.
• 56:23
  And it is a paid app. And they just drafted us for the year, I think.
• 56:26
  Heck, yeah. Yeah. But we've been doing it for like two weeks now.
• 56:31
  And I mean, it's really I've been really enjoying it. Yeah, me too.
• 56:35
  I mean, because it makes you it prompts questions. And you would never ask.
• 56:40
  Well, you would not necessarily never ask, but also like you got to think about
• 56:44
  like the there's the first thing's a question.
• 56:47
  And then like you get I get to write an answer that you're going to see.
• 56:50
  Like it's something that I want you to know or feel or.
• 56:53
  Or whatever. And like, I got to sit there and think about it sometimes.
• 56:56
  Like how do I know what mental space she's in? I know like what she's been going through.
• 57:02
  Like, what do I want to land on her when she reads this?
• 57:05
  And so like, I think that's awesome because like you, you're not always going
• 57:09
  to just, I'm not always just going to come out and say, babe,
• 57:13
  I think you're unbelievable at being a mom and being a business owner.
• 57:17
  And like, sometimes it would feel kind of weird if I just came out of left field.
• 57:21
  Like, calculated or something. Yeah, and said it.
• 57:23
  But this app prompts it. Yeah.
• 57:26
  And so then I get to, I get to, like, think about it and say those things that
• 57:29
  you need to hear and you need to know about how I feel. Yeah. And he never missed it.
• 57:36
  I mean, it's been unreal. It's been unreal.
• 57:40
  How many? Oh, there's a sex question today. Let me make sure to do this app
• 57:43
  today. That is not how that goes.
• 57:46
  But, I mean, we've been doing it for like six days and four days have been about
• 57:51
  sex. So, I'm not complaining.
• 57:56
  But anyway, but it's been really interesting and we're constantly like just
• 58:00
  still trying to. Keep it fresh. Keep it fresh. That's right.
• 58:03
  Okay. And just to wrap up. And if you want to go, you can go.
• 58:05
  I can do this by myself. Okay. He exits the building.
• 58:10
  I think the last thing, though, is gratitude for us. And I think he would definitely agree with this.
• 58:16
  Like, we have both worked individually very hard to find gratitude in things
• 58:23
  that are, like, ours individually.
• 58:25
  Right? I think for a while, we thought that each other was supposed to fulfill
• 58:30
  everything in the other person. And your jacket.
• 58:34
  Okay. Okay. This is very, very candid, y'all. So sorry, he is headed out the door.
• 58:41
  But us having like being intentional about finding the good in everything instead
• 58:46
  of like seeing the bad in the other person and maybe their flaws or their,
• 58:51
  you know, shortcomings or whatever it is.
• 58:54
  I think that's been really beneficial for both of us is to just say,
• 58:57
  okay, aside from all the struggles, aside from all the things that,
• 59:02
  yeah, we do still want to work on, right?
• 59:04
  Where can we find the good? Where can we find gratitude in ourselves individually,
• 59:11
  in our marriage, in our family, and all that?
• 59:13
  And I think that has a lot to do with just like changing your thinking.
• 59:16
  And I know I talk about this all the time here, but like choosing to think positively
• 59:21
  will quite literally change your life.
• 59:24
  And I think for both of us, we have gone through seasons of that where we've
• 59:27
  had to be more intentional about that because it's been a little harder given
• 59:31
  whatever circumstances we've had. Yeah.
• 59:34
  But when you choose to think positively, regardless of like the circumstances,
• 59:39
  be careful, it can be really, it can be a game changer for just everything across your life.
• 59:45
  And so I will say I wrote this note because I think for me, this was somewhat
• 59:50
  of a major realization at some point in our earlier in our marriage.
• 59:56
  But it's like our marriage is not just between us two.
• 59:59
  Right. And if like we're putting each other at the top of our priorities or
• 1:00:05
  like looking to each other to fulfill everything, nothing like the marriage will never be great.
• 1:00:11
  Like we'll never feel like we have a great marriage if I'm constantly leaning
• 1:00:14
  on Jess or he's constantly leaning on me for happiness, for all the things. Right.
• 1:00:21
  And so I think our preacher gave this this design where it was like a triangle.
• 1:00:28
  And Jesus was at the top of the triangle, right? And then Jess and I are the
• 1:00:33
  bottom two corners of the triangle.
• 1:00:35
  And so, yeah, we're all connected to make the triangle, right?
• 1:00:39
  Like there has to be a line drawn to connect to make the triangle.
• 1:00:44
  But ultimately the visual is,
• 1:00:46
  is that Jess is looking to Jesus first and I am looking to Jesus first.
• 1:00:50
  And in that, we are able to better serve each other and better be more connected.
• 1:00:56
  But if he's looking, if Jez is looking to me first and I'm looking to him first,
• 1:01:00
  it'll be a broken triangle every single time. You know, it'll be broken. There will be no shape.
• 1:01:06
  And so for me, that's just been really powerful as to like, even the things
• 1:01:09
  that, yeah, we are still working on or some struggles we still do have or whatever,
• 1:01:14
  like, where am I taking that? Am I taking that to Him?
• 1:01:18
  Obviously, it's got to be some kind of communication, right?
• 1:01:20
  But like, I need to lay it at the feet of Jesus so that I can fully let my hands
• 1:01:26
  off of it and pray that He does the
• 1:01:29
  work that needs to be done in our relationship, no matter what that is.
• 1:01:32
  And so I think, you know, making the effort to pray together,
• 1:01:37
  making the effort to pray individually, making the effort to just remember that,
• 1:01:42
  like, it's not just me and Jess in this.
• 1:01:45
  It's me, Jess, and God, right? And it's God first.
• 1:01:49
  I think that's just been like such a mindset shift for me. It's been such a powerful thing to me.
• 1:01:54
  Because then, like, when I look at him in some things that I'm,
• 1:01:58
  like, frustrated with or feel hopeless about or like whatever.
• 1:02:01
  I mean, my gosh, when we've been married 15 years, I can easily say like,
• 1:02:04
  well, he ain't never gonna change.
• 1:02:06
  That man ain't never gonna change. So I'm just gonna be miserable thinking about X, Y, Z, right?
• 1:02:10
  But if I look at him and I think, well, Jesus, God can do anything.
• 1:02:15
  Like he works miracles, right? Like he parts the waters and all the things.
• 1:02:21
  Then it's like, okay, if I just stay with my eyes up,
• 1:02:27
  If I just continue to pray about this, if I just continue to humble myself,
• 1:02:31
  if I continue to offer grace, I know God can change anything.
• 1:02:36
  You know, it can be, you know, it just can be doing something for 50 years straight.
• 1:02:41
  But on year 51, it could change.
• 1:02:43
  And so that belief and that foundation has been really, really beneficial for
• 1:02:49
  me just to keep a positive attitude across the board, even about the things
• 1:02:54
  that may still be, you know,
• 1:02:57
  a little bit of a struggle or like not perfect because no marriage,
• 1:03:02
  no relationship, no man and no woman is perfect.
• 1:03:07
  So anyway, I know this was a, this was a good long one with my man,
• 1:03:12
  but I hope you guys got some insight, got some tidbits.
• 1:03:16
  He is just Shelby.
• 1:03:18
  He's gone now, so I can talk about him, but he's really insightful and I don't
• 1:03:23
  think he gives himself enough credit sometimes like to speak on it.
• 1:03:27
  And so I really, I'm so glad that he took the time to sit with me and to talk
• 1:03:31
  about it because I love to hear from him and I love, you know,
• 1:03:35
  I love his ability to pour into other people.
• 1:03:37
  And I'm glad that he got a chance to share with you guys just like his wisdom
• 1:03:42
  and, you know, just the goodness that is him.
• 1:03:47
  I know y'all hear from me a lot. I know y'all hear all my words a lot.
• 1:03:51
  And so I thought it would be really special to hear from him and kind of how
• 1:03:55
  he has led this family, led me and helped shape me to be a better person.
• 1:04:03
  And, you know, he is clearly such an amazing person.
• 1:04:06
  So anyway, as we are celebrating Love Month, I hope you guys.
• 1:04:14
  As you head into your relationships with whoever, found this valuable. And as always, y'all are.