Latest / System Speak: Complex Trauma and Dissociation / Choosing Adulting (part three)

Transcript

Choosing Adulting (part three) · System Speak: Complex Trauma and Dissociation

• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Over: Welcome to the System Speak Podcast, a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to longtime listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you. I get to my office just fine. I gather up everything I need from the car. I do that just fine.
• 1:09
  I get the building unlocked. I get in, and then I make sure it's locked because I'm there by myself. Right? So safety. No one's coming.
• 1:19
  There are no appointments. I'm in the building by myself, so the doors are locked. That's fine. That's right. That's safety.
• 1:28
  So I'm trying to have common sense. Do you see that I am trying hard to have common sense? Okay. So I go, I change into my painting clothes. We just keep our painting clothes there.
• 1:42
  I bring them home and wash them and take them back because we never know, especially with children, when we're actually going to get to paint. So I keep them there so anytime we can go paint what we need is there. So again pragmatics. I'm trying hard. I'm paying attention.
• 1:59
  I'm thinking things through. I change into my painting clothes and I go over to the other half of the building. Now what you don't know unless you have been there is that we first got one part of the building and then there's like a door a wooden door that closes it has a lock on it because of our private files and computers and things because of that we have that extra lock so people that use the other half of the building cannot get to our half of the building right but during the day we have that door open and other therapists will come and use those offices or whatever right so right now we're painting the other side. Our side is done as far as painting. The things that we're wanting and planning is still unfolding, but the painting part is done.
• 2:55
  So we're working on painting the other side. So I went in, I paid attention to all the pragmatic things, trying to follow the good and healthy guidance of the planner. I lay out the plastic drop cloths. I get the correct trays for the colors dove that I'm going to be using. I use the appropriate rollers like you guys I'm trying to do all the things right?
• 3:24
  And then where I have to paint is right by that middle door. There's a little kitchen right by the door and we've painted one wall yellow already but there's these two walls that go and then around the kitchen where it's just dove because the cabinets there are really dark so we're trying to balance it out. It looks so much better than the red and gray that was there. Irrelevant. The point is I had to close the door to get to behind the door to paint it, right?
• 3:57
  So I paint and I go paint the rest. I paint the hallway. I paint the back corner office. I do all the dubbing that I can do. I dove it up.
• 4:10
  When I am finished, when I am finished, I also follow all of the directions of what I'm supposed to do. I wrap up the roller and take it off the roller thing, stick, whatever that's called. And I wrap it up so that we can use it again tomorrow and it's not dried out. I used all the paint I could in the tray. Jules could do a better job of that but I did my best.
• 4:38
  And the rooms that are done like the hallway and by the kitchen I pull that plastic drop cloth up and I put it back into the storage room so that the hallway and kitchen area for people to come through, like that's where the bathroom is and stuff, to get to the bathroom so it's all clear and safe. You guys, I'm trying so hard to do all of the things. I go to leave. Y'all, the door is locked. The door that goes back to the half of the building where my office and Joel's office is, is locked.
• 5:15
  I can't go out the front the the actual front door because it is a key lock. It's not a push bar lock. And even if I could, I couldn't go around to the the door where we usually go in by the parking lot because that does have a push bar, but I didn't unlock it because I was there by myself. So you guys, the door get out of the building is locked, and the door to get to the other half of the building is locked. You guys, I literally locked myself into the office.
• 5:53
  How did I do that? You might say. I followed the rules. That's how I did things exactly right. When I arrived, I unlocked the building, got myself in, turned around, made sure it was locked so that I would be safe inside, and I put the keys in my pocket, which I know to do just in case this very thing ever happens.
• 6:20
  Because every morning when we unlock the office, we turn the lock so that it won't accidentally lock us out on the other side. Right? But if it did, someone's there. They can let us in. You guys, no one is there, and the keys in my pocket are in the pants I wore to the building.
• 6:41
  I have changed into my painting clothes and forgot to get the keys to bring with me in those pockets. From now on, I'm keeping my keys in my bra. I don't even know what to tell you. I cannot even with myself. So there I am.
• 7:01
  I am locked in the other part of the office, and I cannot get out. There is no way out. The windows don't even open. And so I, first of all, try not to panic. I'm thinking, okay, I need to handle this as a grown up and not just panic because I feel my littles starting to panic about being locked up.
• 7:32
  They're not wrong. Okay? So just try like grasping at straws. I'm like, guys, stay calm. Worst case scenario, kitchen is here so we have water.
• 7:41
  We're not going to die. And the bathroom is on this side of the locked door so we can even use the bathroom. So worst case scenario, Jules will find us on Monday. It's fine. It's fine.
• 7:53
  You guys, it was not fine. But how do I make now time is safe enough when it's not for littles who are legit, validly concerned and also cued from condition responses from being locked up before? This is why I had to tell you the whole backstory first, not just to update you on those things, but because this is literally so hard to talk about. I have to warm up with all the other things to be able to get to this part of the story. And I'm not even going to talk about the being locked up pieces.
• 8:28
  I can talk about that in therapy. I am talking about it in therapy. But if you want a picture, need to Google search double stacked cribs church daycare something like that. Like I don't even know what to tell you. It starts there.
• 8:51
  But we're not going to talk about that today because I cannot even with the car wash. So basically, before I can make a plan, here's what happens next. Nathan calls me and says, Hey, you forgot to give us a card. You guys, I can get him Airbnb's to get him and the kids have a safe place to stay along the way back to get them home. I cannot just phone in gas money at the gas station.
• 9:24
  He has to have a card to get gas. So since I'm the one with the job, I have to have a card with that he can use to get gas, and then he has to mail that back to me. And because they left while I was getting the keys, I didn't get to give it to him. He realizes this a half hour out, so I'm like, well, you're gonna have to turn around and come back. I mean, I can't magically fax it to you through your phone.
• 9:49
  That's not how it works. Some people can, like, tap their phones and all kinds of magic happens. We are not that wealthy. Okay? So we don't have that capacity.
• 10:01
  So he has to turn the van around, drive to my office because that's where I am. And that is actually the point I realize I am locked in the office because up until then I'm just painting and clueless. But as I finish painting and he arrives and needs me to give him the card, I realize I cannot get to my office because I am locked in the other half of the building. I can't even with my life. So we did have a small win for common sense in that I left my wallet in the car.
• 10:40
  And so Nathan just gets in the car, gets in my wallet, takes the card, they leave because they're trying to get to the Airbnb before dark. And I'm like, okay, I appreciate the resourcefulness here and I'm so glad the teenagers told you where my wallet is. That's fantastic. And also, it would have been great if somebody stayed while I'm locked in the building until I could get some help. Oh my goodness.
• 11:10
  Oh my goodness. I can't even. So, okay. So then I consider my options. One, of course I could call Jules.
• 11:20
  I could call Jules in crisis and it would be fine. And also, do you know how much Jules has had to deal with me and the chaos of my life? You guys, she is with her family trying to have a day. I cannot. I am thinking, how can I not bother her day with her family and also solve this problem like an adult?
• 11:46
  So the first thing I do is call a locksmith because I'm thinking, okay, that's an option. That's what you do if you get locked out of your car. But I talked to them and they're like, well, we're over in this city and you actually need to talk to these people, but they're not open today because it's Saturday. And so to get help coming, you're probably gonna have to pay a higher fee and also this is what they're gonna have to do to the door to get in. And they're describing this and I feel like, okay, this is crossed from trying to be a resourceful independent adult into I will be in trouble with Jules and the landlord of the building if I'm messing up the doors.
• 12:26
  So a locksmith is not the correct solution. So I'm trying to stay calm, but it is like trying to swim through littles to get to my brain to solve this problem. And I also feel like an idiot because I have done this to myself. It wasn't even a switching issue. It was the literal shirts that switched, not the people inside.
• 12:57
  Well, pants, not shirts, but still. Okay. So I think when communicate there's a problem. And, also, I'm tired of causing Jules problems while she's with her family because it is not a touch cry. It's literally I'm locked in the building.
• 13:18
  So I try to compromise. I'm trying to be an adult. And I text Jules and I say, hey, what's the building manager guy's name? I just have some information for him, which is accurate, but she is at the theater, and I want to be able to enjoy her show. And she's like so at first, she doesn't reply.
• 13:44
  Right? Because she has to she's not going to see her phone until intermission. I can't even with myself, you guys. So I just hang out, play some cards on my phone. Can you imagine if I did not have my phone?
• 13:59
  You guys, I was editing podcasts. That's why I had my phone in my pocket. If I had not grabbed my phone and I almost didn't, because I can actually hear it through the Bluetooth in my brain all the way from my office, even on the other side of the building. So sometimes I don't take my phone with me. Can you imagine?
• 14:19
  I would have been there locked in there for three days before anyone found me. Oh my goodness. Okay. So here's the thing. She sees the message at intermission.
• 14:38
  Please give Jules a shout out and all the support for even trying to be in my life because I can't even with myself. She sees the message. She very quickly sends me the phone number. I reassure her that I am okay, that the office is okay, but man do I have a good story to tell her on Monday. So much shame you guys.
• 15:03
  I don't know if you know her, but Jules is very well put together and I am not so much. So I have a lot of shame that I can have that yes, there's a lot of chaos in my life because of kids, and yes, there's a lot of chaos in my life because trauma, but there's also a lot of chaos in my life because of me. And it's embarrassing. Like, don't even just mean shame or being mean to myself or punitive about it. I just mean embarrassing.
• 15:38
  And embarrassing is a feeling and I know it because it's on the feelings wheel pillow that my therapist has, which I am becoming overly familiar with. Okay so she sends me the information. I text the guy and he is like lucky for you I'm actually just five minutes away. I'm coming but there's a charge for that for having to call for service. So I will come, I will let you out, of course I will, and we'll just invoice the charge on your next month's bill.
• 16:16
  So yes, of course, just to say this publicly, I will send Jules the money for the fee for them to come let me out of the building because I cannot even with myself. You guys, the man shows up. He is laughing at me. He was like, how did you even yourself inside the building? He's like, who does that?
• 16:37
  Who can do that? Who manages to lock themselves inside a building? And I just raised my hand, and I'm like, I'm the problem. It's me. I did the thing.
• 16:51
  My goodness. But you guys, I stayed so calm and I was so proud of myself for staying calm even though I was super humiliated and embarrassed. Lets me out. I show him what happened and he's like, You need a backup key over here. And I was like, I know we had to do this same thing at home.
• 17:09
  So we will get a little lockbox and we will hide it on the other side of the building or somewhere safe or in the car or something so that when it happens again I will know. Like we can put it in a code so it doesn't violate the safety of the building but that way if something happens I can get myself back out and solve that problem a little easier. Because I just can't. Like, I don't know if it's about number of spoons, if it's about managing too many shirts at the same time, if it's a blending problem, if it's, just generally dissociative, like I'm so lost in my own head or my own world. I am a smart person, like I really am, but I can't hold on to my keys.
• 18:02
  And it was so embarrassing. It was so embarrassing. And also making lace, right? I'm getting really good at weaving the lace. Also, I was fine.
• 18:16
  I painted for an hour while I didn't know there was a problem and then I hung out by myself and all my shirts for another hour while I waited to solve the problem and tried to solve the problem and waited for help to solve the problem. It was not even a big deal. Like I was literally have now made it back home after talking to you all this time, made it back to my house even before dinner time. Like not a big deal at all. So I'm really okay.
• 18:48
  It's not even a big deal, just a wild story and everyone is gone. So I literally have no one to tell. So I'm telling you, I almost called my therapist in a full on crybaby panic, but I did not because it's Saturday. She doesn't want to hear from me. So there we are.
• 19:08
  But I thought it, I felt it, which means I'm attaching, which means therapy is working. So I'm just noticing, I'm just observing, just making lace. There's a bobbin. I've got a therapist. I'm keeping her.
• 19:19
  I know I could call her in a crisis. Good to know. Not gonna do it, but it's good to know. But you guys after the man left and I was able to walk back over to my office and put my regular clothes on, keep my keys in my bra now. Like by the time I got back to my office after he unlocked it and then he left, I had already missed an hour of group, which I had planned on coming to.
• 19:48
  So I signed on for a minute, but as soon as I saw everyone's faces on Zoom, I lost it. Like I started sobbing and crying so hard. I don't even know how to tell you how hard I was crying. And I couldn't stop. So I just sat there with my camera off.
• 20:11
  At the end of group, people are sharing their things and I am just weeping. Partly because there were so many big feelings, things that have already been happening. Partly because this was so scary for littles, even though actually in now time, I was fine. And also to see friends that I care about, feel safe with, and can connect with, I just lost it. And it was like all those feelings and all that sobbing started coming out.
• 20:46
  And then also because so much had happened, like my littles, like I felt like I needed to just go ahead and leave. I couldn't stay for group. I couldn't stay to work on the other things I was going to work on. I had planned on working on the podcast today as my transition activity. Sometimes we call it that when Jules has to leave or when kids have to leave and I have that attached cry feeling and it's really strong and really hard and very emotional even again even when I'm actually okay in now time.
• 21:24
  I have learned that it helps if I have what I call a transition activity where I know Jules is leaving or I know the kids are leaving. And so after they go, I'm going to do this thing. Like, it's already decided. It's already arranged. It's already ready to go.
• 21:41
  Like, today was painting, for example. So that I know what my transition activity is instead of waiting until the moment of a cat cry and then trying to function or trying to make decisions, like, just can't. But if I can honor my feelings and also function and move, like painting is bilateral, that counts. Walking is bilateral, that counts. Like there's lots of things I can do to feel the attached cry and also feel myself being okay in the present.
• 22:18
  Does that make sense? So I had planned on as part of my transition activity today when what it feels like is everybody has literally left me. I felt like my transition activity would be working on OG episodes because then that reconnects me to the community and helps me remember I'm not alone. Right? That seems healthy.
• 22:45
  I couldn't do it. This was so epic, and all that about being locked up felt so big. I just needed to go to my car, roll down all the windows, and drive. And also, it felt important not to do that alone either. And I couldn't just disrupt disrupt group while I'm sobbing, while people are trying to share their things, but also not in a place to necessarily wait my turn.
• 23:10
  I just needed to go. And so here I am talking for like an hour now, going through the car wash, getting ready to go on a walk now that I have finished telling this story? And can I just see a show of hands? Does this happen to anyone else where you can't even manage the really simple daily living things? Like what if I don't remember Kathy Steele in the workbook where she talked about daily living part as the a and p?
• 23:41
  Like what if I don't have a daily living part just like I don't have a planner? Or, like, something super basic and core to functioning as an adult self, then I don't think I have the self. Like, I I I have an emerging self that I'm continually trying to build in a non Jenga way. I have lots of different selves that I'm working on gaining access to and trying hard to include. I don't think I have a daily living part.
• 24:15
  Like, can try. Some things I'm really, I'm really, really very routine based in some ways because it's one of the few ways. Like, part of losing your sight is being able to know where things are. And part of not being able to function without a daily living part is, like, staying in routine. So, like, I can get up and go to the bathroom and wash my hands and brush my teeth and take my medicine and and, like, work out or take my shower or whatever.
• 24:46
  But when something disrupts my routine, it's like it all falls apart, and I can't even function. And it's not like I'm a young adult, except also I am because of developmental trauma, right? And so it's so frustrating because I'm trying so hard to just live my life, to show up for myself, to function well, to parent well, and I locked myself in the building. How was that not a metaphor for this entire year? Just like those recap episodes where avoidance literally is what led me in to the situation.
• 25:33
  So what was I avoiding that led me to locking myself in my office, avoiding my feelings? I don't think so because I was trying to feel them, and I was trying to be productive and, like, help. I don't know the answers, but I can't be the only one. So I just wanna hold space for those of us who can't even fawn for ourselves, don't have daily living parts to hold on to keys, or like I don't know what happened. It's so embarrassing.
• 26:13
  And I'm gonna have to tell Jules. She's just gonna be so proud. I might see her tomorrow if she and her mom come to paint. I might see her Monday at work if we have a cancellation or our breaks show up at the same time, but I can't even with myself. I locked myself in the building.
• 26:35
  So I can't ignore the metaphor, right? Like how else am I locking myself up? I'm trying to unlock myself. I'm working on religious trauma. We signed divorce papers.
• 26:46
  Like how else can I set myself free? Why am I trapped? How did I trap myself? And ultimately, what am I going to do about that? I feel like that's time to read Clarissa, you guys, because I just can't even.
• 27:09
  Cannot even with myself.
• 27:24
  Speaker 3: Thank you for listening. Your support of the podcast, the workbooks, and the community means so much to us as we try to create something together that's never been done before. Not like this. Connection brings healing, and you can join us on the community at www.systemsspeak.com. We'll see you there.