Latest / Magic Divorce Club Podcast / Ep 23: Before You Organise Your Life, Do This (A 3-Minute Calm First Reset)

Transcript

Ep 23: Before You Organise Your Life, Do This (A 3-Minute Calm First Reset) · Magic Divorce Club Podcast

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the magic divorce club podcast.
• 0:05
  This is your space to successfully navigate your divorce with
• 0:10
  confidence and create
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: a roadmap to the life of your dreams.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host Hannah Harvey.
• 0:16
  I'm the author of How to Divorce Sober and I have helped
• 0:20
  thousands of women to
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: process the trauma of divorce and step into an exciting future.
• 0:27
  Please like and subscribe because this really helps my little
• 0:31
  podcast to grow and
• 0:33
  if you would like more from me you can subscribe at
• 0:36
  magicdivorceclub.substack.com
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: for a host of other support tools.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome to the Magic Divorce Club podcast.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's me, Hannah, and this is the new year.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: This is our first 2026 podcast of the year.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: How are you doing?
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: That was a lot, wasn't it?
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: That whole Christmas thing is not for the faint of heart.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: And if this was your first Christmas going through divorce...
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: My heart has been with you.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like, it's a lot, even if you're not going through divorce.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: So navigating everything that you have,
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: just,
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: I really hope you're giving yourself a massive pat on the back this week.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: Kids are back to school.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: Things are starting to settle a little bit.
• 1:32
  And,
• 1:32
  you know,
• 1:33
  this is the time that we can exhale and kind of go,
• 1:37
  wow,
• 1:38
  okay,
• 1:39
  that was a lot.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I really want...
• 1:41
  really want you and me and all of my friends and my loved ones
• 1:44
  to acknowledge that
• 1:46
  um we did some good stuff there and some of it would have been
• 1:50
  fun and some of it
• 1:51
  lovely and other times just overwhelming because that's that's
• 1:55
  the nature of the
• 1:56
  season and then on top of it we add new year's day where we're
• 2:02
  meant to suddenly up
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: what's the word like
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: completely change,
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: can't think of the word,
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: but completely change everything that we want to,
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: all in one fell swoop.
• 2:17
  So,
• 2:17
  you know,
• 2:18
  holding that too,
• 2:19
  I always feel that energy and I actually really like it.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: Like on the 1st of January, I'm like, ooh, what is it that I want to do?
• 2:28
  And for those of you that came to the December workshop in the
• 2:31
  Magic Divorce Club,
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: we were doing some really beautiful stuff there of kind of
• 2:37
  gently letting go of the things that are no longer serving us
• 2:41
  from 2025 and what we
• 2:45
  aim to do is ease into rather than like big goals and um I
• 2:51
  don't know what are we
• 2:52
  going to achieve this year the idea was to work out how we want
• 2:57
  to feel and then to
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: choose a word
• 3:00
  So it becomes like your anchor and the thing that you can keep
• 3:04
  coming back to when
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: you feel a bit stressed and just out of sorts,
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: not yourself and lost.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: Like this is the anchor.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: So for me, my word for 2026 I've chosen is consistency.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I've chosen this because...
• 3:25
  weirdly it feels exciting and a bit scary because normally I'm
• 3:30
  quite all or nothing
• 3:32
  like if you've read my book you'll know I had issues with
• 3:35
  addiction I continue to
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: have them um as like a coping mechanism so um
• 3:43
  consistency is like learning to do the opposite so instead of
• 3:48
  working working burn
• 3:50
  myself out or emotional eating um all of those kind of things
• 3:56
  this idea of a base
• 3:58
  like a habit so that I don't have to think because it's already
• 4:02
  ingrained into my
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: existence you know over time little bits and
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: That feels like genuine relief that I can go,
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: oh,
• 4:15
  I have this thing in place so that I don't need to worry about
• 4:18
  certain things.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: So that's where I'm coming from this year.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I guess,
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: you know,
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: for you guys today,
• 4:25
  what I'd really like to look at is if you're trying to organise
• 4:34
  everything,
• 4:36
  Right now,
• 4:37
  like your whole life,
• 4:39
  I would love you to do what I'm going to share today first.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, if you have...
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: Got to today, the 8th of January, and gone, oh, it's all lost.
• 4:55
  I tried to do certain things from the 1st of January,
• 4:59
  and I've already let it go.
• 5:00
  Like,
• 5:00
  if your brain is feeling messy,
• 5:04
  if you already feel like you've failed,
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to know that you haven't, for one.
• 5:11
  This whole year is for us to play with the whole time and we
• 5:15
  get to choose now what happens.
• 5:18
  A lot of things that are going on for you will not be at all
• 5:22
  your choice and it
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: will feel out of control,
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: but you'd get to choose the stuff for you.
• 5:30
  And the reason things feel messy and overwhelming is because
• 5:34
  your body doesn't feel safe.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: So,
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: you know,
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: if you're trying to get organized,
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: but you keep freezing or spiraling or,
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: you know,
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: wanting to get into a fight,
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: all of those fight,
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: flight,
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: freeze,
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: fall responses,
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: this is for you.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: You know,
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: the people that I'm working with,
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: the clients within the Magic Divorce Club,
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: my one-to-one clients,
• 6:03
  A huge part of what everyone is struggling with is things like
• 6:09
  divorce admin.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: There's just so much of it.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: You're trying to get your head around all of the little threads.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: And it's super overwhelming.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: And it can feel like, for me, I was like, oh, this is so grown up.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: I don't even know where to start.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just a kid.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just a kid.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: Even though I'm like 40.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: Messages from your ex.
• 6:34
  Massively triggering at times,
• 6:36
  calling you out,
• 6:37
  telling you off,
• 6:38
  telling you certain things.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: They can all spiral, you know, really uncomfortable feelings within you.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: Making money decisions,
• 6:49
  worrying about your kids and that constant tension of like
• 6:53
  having to live in limbo.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's not a nice space.
• 6:57
  And I always say that divorce is like learning how to live in
• 7:02
  uncertainty because
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: there's just so many unknowns out there.
• 7:07
  So our job is literally to look after us and to help our bodies
• 7:12
  feel safe as much as we can.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce puts the body into threat mode.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: Because it's a fight you didn't necessarily want.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: So you're up against something.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: And there's all these other factors coming in all of the time.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: And so your brain often is trying to fix like 50 things at once.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: And it's just not physically possible.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: So,
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: you know,
• 7:45
  that is why organizing can feel so difficult because you're
• 7:49
  trying to think your
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: way out of the situation you're in,
• 7:56
  but really you can't because your body is panicking and doesn't
• 8:03
  feel safe at all.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: And the body will always take control of the brain.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: So we have three brains
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: within us that have evolved over time.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: And the first is like the physical,
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: the reptilian brain.
• 8:21
  And that brain kind of starts at the back of the head and it
• 8:25
  goes down into the body.
• 8:27
  So that one is actually the strongest,
• 8:30
  and it's the one that's gonna take over everything else.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: It takes over the emotional brain, which is similar to a mammal's brain.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: And then on top of that, we have the human conceptual brain.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: So if the one right at the base is like, ah, ah, shitting myself,
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: Even if you don't even realize that's going on,
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: if you're trying to conceptualize and work everything out,
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: when that bit of your brain and your body is freaking out,
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: it's just not going to work.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: You're going to keep bumping up against different things.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: So that's why organizing feels impossible.
• 9:14
  thinking your way out while your body is panicking the
• 9:17
  reptilian brain is like no
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: thanks so what
• 9:22
  everything I've learned over the years is that in order to
• 9:27
  create next steps we
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: have to start with calming the body down.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: So I call it calm first.
• 9:35
  We have to feel safe and then once we feel safe we can get some
• 9:40
  clarity around what
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: it is we want to do and then we can get our next steps.
• 9:46
  So we don't need a perfect plan today because I promise you by
• 9:49
  the end of the week,
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: something new will have come up that you haven't planned for.
• 9:53
  So we're not going too far off into the distance apart from
• 9:57
  when we're dreaming
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: about our beautiful lives in a few years time.
• 10:01
  But this right here is about creating steadiness right now so
• 10:07
  that you can at least
• 10:08
  make a little bit of headway because a little bit of headway
• 10:12
  goes such a long way
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: in terms of building your self-esteem.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: So I want to point out that right now the moon is in Virgo.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: This is all new to me.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm very much agnostic around astrology,
• 10:28
  but I love the moon and I can't help but believe that it does
• 10:33
  have an impact on us
• 10:34
  because we're like made of water and it's the same water
• 10:38
  consistency salt thing as
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: the sea.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: And if the moon can like move entire bodies of water
• 10:48
  like the sea that is the same consistency as us I'm like hmm
• 10:53
  there's got to be
• 10:54
  something in this and I have had friends who work in A&E and
• 10:57
  they're like you don't
• 10:59
  want to work a full moon because everybody's crazy I'm like
• 11:02
  okay anyway so the moon
• 11:05
  is in Virgo and what I love about this when I was reading about
• 11:09
  it is Virgo is
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: really like an organizing type energy
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: So it's kind of perfect right now to go,
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: ooh,
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: yeah,
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to dabble in this,
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: but with such compassion for what I'm going through.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: And by me, I mean you.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: So if you want to go into this kind of practice,
• 11:29
  it's with deep compassion for the fact that you've just
• 11:32
  survived your first
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: Christmas,
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: your second,
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: your third,
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: mine was my fifth,
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: still surviving,
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: you know,
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: after divorce.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: And so if...
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: this resonates,
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: it's that a little gentle bit around,
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: okay,
• 11:50
  we're gonna gently look at how we're gonna organize what we
• 11:52
  want to do next.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: And so the calm first,
• 11:58
  version of this my version is will help your body feel safe
• 12:04
  first and from there
• 12:06
  you can start to kind of gently organize little things just one
• 12:11
  I would say just
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: choose one thing that you're aiming to organize okay
• 12:19
  So what I would invite you to do is come to a comfortable
• 12:23
  seated position.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: If you want to pause this for a second and just go grab a candle,
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: go grab a blanket,
• 12:31
  like no more than 60 seconds because there's something about
• 12:34
  when people get ready
• 12:35
  to meditate that it takes people like 10 minutes to get settled
• 12:39
  because we're maybe
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: nervous about what's going to come up.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: But you absolutely don't need to feel that.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: Get yourself as comfortable as you can.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: And what you can do is just put a hand on your heart.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: And if you want to,
• 12:55
  you could also put a hand on your belly just to let your whole
• 13:00
  core know that it's
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: safe,
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: that you're here,
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: that you've got it.
• 13:06
  And I invite you to take a deep breath into your chest,
• 13:13
  into your heart,
• 13:14
  expand your ribs.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: And then as you exhale, let your shoulders drop.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: Relax down the side of the neck.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: Relax the jaw.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: If you feel safe enough to close your eyes, go ahead and do that.
• 13:41
  Now bring your attention to the feeling of the rise and fall of
• 13:45
  your chest.
• 13:52
  So you'll be able to physically feel that with your hand or
• 13:56
  into your belly.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: Try and make your inhale longer than your exhale.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: The other way around, make your inhale shorter.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: So you could breathe in for four.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: And then exhale for six.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: Keep going with that.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: A longer exhale tells your body that you're safe right now.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: You could also deepen that feeling by exhaling out through the mouth.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: Letting all the muscles in your body settle
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: your legs feel heavy,
• 15:18
  feeling that contact with the ground and then I invite you to
• 15:36
  ask yourself what are
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: you carrying today that isn't yours to carry
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: And just notice what pops up in your brain.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need to fix anything, just notice.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: Just give yourself permission.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: You could whisper this to yourself if that feels comfortable.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: Today I am allowed to do less.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm allowed to do it calmly.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: Just letting that integrate into your body.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_00: Letting your shoulders drop.
• 16:52
  Feeling the muscles in the back of your shoulders,
• 16:55
  the shoulder blades to soften.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: Breathing that into the heart.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: And gently feeling back into your fingers, your toes.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: Feeling the ground beneath you.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: Keeping this calm,
• 17:22
  permission slip with you in your heart as you gently blink open
• 17:27
  your eyes.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_00: Picking in the space that you're in,
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_00: maybe noticing a few things in front of you and naming them.
• 17:53
  Now that you feel calmer and steadier,
• 17:57
  even if it's just 1%,
• 17:59
  it's making a difference.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's starting to train your body as to what you're trying to get to.
• 18:12
  From this point,
• 18:13
  you could choose one thing that you would like to address this
• 18:18
  week.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: So not your whole life,
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_00: not your whole divorce,
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_00: just one thing,
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_00: an email,
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_00: a form,
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_00: just one question that you could send to me or your solicitor.
• 18:37
  Set yourself a 15-minute timer and go,
• 18:40
  I'm going to do this one thing this week.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_00: And then when the timer ends, you stop.
• 18:49
  And you kind of pat yourself on the back and go,
• 18:51
  that was me doing my calm first organisation.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_00: Well done if, you know, you went in with that with an open heart.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_00: I would love to hear how you found it and what came up for you.
• 19:11
  If you were able to kind of pick something just small and
• 19:16
  tangible that you can do this week.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_00: that will help you feel slightly more organized,
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_00: get you closer to the things that you would like to achieve,
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: even just in January.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if, you know, this is the kind of
• 19:35
  thing that really resonates for you you notice that your body
• 19:39
  responds to my voice
• 19:42
  and feeling calmer then you know you're not alone in divorce at
• 19:47
  all and i would
• 19:48
  love to invite you to come into the magic divorce club magic
• 19:52
  circle um this is the
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_00: basis of what i do it's like the calm first energy um
• 20:03
  And what I have learned over the years is that the way that we
• 20:09
  can support
• 20:10
  ourselves in getting through certain things and starting to
• 20:14
  really achieve our
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_00: goals is not through shame.
• 20:18
  We can't shame ourselves into,
• 20:21
  I mean,
• 20:21
  you can,
• 20:22
  but it doesn't last for very long.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: We can't shame ourselves into doing the things that we want to do.
• 20:30
  The stick approach,
• 20:31
  when your body is already going through what you are,
• 20:34
  doesn't work.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_00: It might work for a while, but my experience is that it will end up in...
• 20:44
  kind of a breakdown so having learned these things the hard way
• 20:49
  I share this
• 20:50
  because when I realized what I needed to do was be so kind to
• 20:54
  myself in a way that
• 20:56
  made no sense to me because I'd never really witnessed it or
• 20:59
  seen it in other
• 21:00
  people um once I understood this I'm like that is the basis of
• 21:04
  what I do now my aim
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_00: is to help you feel safe enough to
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_00: So that you can get clear,
• 21:13
  you can set boundaries and you feel comfortable and you even
• 21:19
  can identify what your
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_00: next step is.
• 21:22
  So that's what we do every Monday at the Magic Mondays in the
• 21:26
  Magic Divorce Club.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_00: So love you to come and join us for that.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I'd be honored to hold space again.
• 21:35
  And once we've finished the main kind of bulk of what we do,
• 21:39
  it lasts 30 minutes.
• 21:41
  Then we have like a 15 minute check in every week and people
• 21:45
  can tell me what
• 21:45
  they're working on and get a little bit of coaching alongside
• 21:49
  that kind of thing.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, love you to join.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, remember, you've got this.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I love being here for you guys.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: I've been there.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_00: So this is my calling.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_00: So I have got you.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_00: If ever you want to get in touch with me, please do.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_00: And,
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_00: you know,
• 22:08
  I can point you to the right resources or I can welcome you
• 22:12
  into the stuff that I
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_00: can provide for you.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for listening.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_00: And if you could subscribe and leave a review, that would be amazing.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_00: For all of your tips and tools,
• 22:29
  head over to magicdivorceclub.substack.com and you can find
• 22:37
  everything that you
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_00: need there.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_00: You've got this and I've got you.