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From Insecure to Secure: Changing the Way You Show Up in Relationships · Rooted Thoughts

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Tierra, and welcome to Ruy Thoughts Podcast.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to our final episode of the Attachment Style series.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: In episode one, we talked about understanding the four attachment styles.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: In episode two, we talked about how different attachment tendencies interact and sometimes trigger one another.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: And in today's episode, we are going to be discussing breaking unhealthy relationship patterns and building secure connections.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: The goal of this particular episode is to give you solutions on how to use the information that you have already learned so that you can create healthier relationships.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: And to start, we must first recognize the ways you protect yourself in relationships.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: As I have already mentioned in the previous episodes, protective behaviors can look different for different people.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: For someone with anxious, protection can look like constantly checking whether a relationship is okay, seeking repeated reassurance, trying to resolve conflict immediately, or becoming hyper-aware of changes in someone's behavior.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: And for someone with avoidant tendencies, protection may look like withdrawing where conversations become uncomfortable, minimizing their own emotional needs, or always acting unbothered, avoiding vulnerability, or convincing themselves they don't need anyone.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: And for someone with fearful avoidant tendencies, protection may involve moving towards connection, then feeling uncomfortable or unsafe with vulnerability and pulling back.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: These are all behaviors that can feel like they are protecting you in the moment, but can hurt your relationship over time.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: So when these behaviors start to happen, I encourage you to ask yourself these few questions.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: What am I afraid might happen?
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: What am I trying to prevent?
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: And what does the situation remind me of?
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: So now you're probably wondering what happens when you recognize that you're being triggered.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: You even recognize that your usual response might make things worse, but the feeling is still there.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: What do you actually do in that moment?
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: You learn to respond instead of automatically reacting.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: Start by recognizing your emotional triggers.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: Know what situations tend to bring up the most insecure version of yourself.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: Then create space between the feeling and your response.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: I call this the pause.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: This pause is a pretty simple practice, which consists of one, noticing what you are feeling, two, identify what triggered that feeling.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: Three, examine what do you know for a fact and what are you assuming?
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: And four, choose what response would support the type of relationship that you wish to have.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: I remember talking to my therapist about almost two years ago, and I was giving her a rundown about a conversation that took place, and I told her how I responded.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: And she asked me, Why were you being passive aggressive?
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I asked her, I was like, I wasn't being passive aggressive, was I?
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: And then I stopped and thought about it, and I was like, oh, I was being passive aggressive.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I had to realize why was I doing that?
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: And it took me a few seconds for me to realize why I responded the way I did.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: And in that time, it was one of those situations in which I felt like I had to protect myself.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: I felt like I always had to fight and be on the fence.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: And so even though I wasn't physically fighting, I was sort of fighting back with my words basically.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: But I also learned that that wasn't the best way to communicate my needs or wants.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: But here is something else to consider.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: You can learn all about attachment styles, managing your emotions, recognizing your triggers, and still struggle in relationships if you do not know how to communicate your needs.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: You are listening to Real Thoughts Podcast with your host, Tiara.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: Follow and leave me a review.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: So let's talk about how do you communicate your needs without losing yourself.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: I was a queen of saying, I'm not about to be asking someone for the same thing over and over because that feels too much like begging to me.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: So when I tell you that healthy communication makes all the difference, it definitely does.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: One thing that makes that communication better is how we express our needs.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: Being demanding, rude, disrespectful, or confrontational would not get you the results that you are looking for.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: Secure communication makes room for both people because one person's needs doesn't automatically override the other person's need.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: Good communication also requires vulnerability from both sides.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: And that's a skill that can actually be practiced.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this next part is very important because it can be so easy to think that if we just become understanding enough and have compassion enough for what a person has been through, that we can make any relationship work.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: But that's not necessarily true.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: Because understanding someone doesn't mean abandoning yourself.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: And that means understanding someone's behavior does not mean accepting everything that they do.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: You can understand why someone struggles with vulnerability without accepting repeated emotional neglect.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: You can understand why someone fears abandonment without accepting controlling behavior.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: You can understand someone's need for space without accepting the silent treatment as punishment.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: And you can recognize someone's past experiences without taking responsibility for healing them.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: But what you cannot do is you cannot create a secure relationship entirely by yourself.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: Healthy relationships require participation from both people that are involved.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: You can do all the work on yourself, improving your communication, emotional regulations, and self-awareness, but you cannot force someone else to do the same thing.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: And if you are unsure if you are just being patient or if you have already crossed the line over to that self-abandonment side, explore these questions.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: Am I being understanding or am I repeatedly ignoring my needs?
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: Is this person making an effort to grow?
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: Can we discuss problems without one person always taking responsibility?
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: Am I staying because the relationship is healthy or because I'm hoping to eventually feel chosen?
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: Attachment styles should never become excuses.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: It may help to explain a response, but it doesn't remove accountability.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: Follow and leave me a review.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: So, the final thing that we will discuss today is can someone who has spent years responding to relationships in a certain way really learn something different?
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: And the answer is yes.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: You can develop more secure ways of connecting.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: Relationships, intentional practice, self-reflection, and sometimes therapy can help people develop more secure patterns.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: But I must also say that some people do confuse being emotionally secure with being completely self-sufficient.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: But secure attachment actually is being able to experience both connection and independence.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: You can ask for support without feeling ashamed.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: You can spend time alone without feeling disconnected.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: You can even disagree with someone without assuming the relationship is over.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: Throughout this series, we've talked about different attachment styles, how they develop, how they show up in our relationships, and what happens when our patterns interact with someone else's.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: But the most important thing I want you to take away from all of this is that understanding yourself gives you an opportunity to make different choices.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever you have recognized about yourself, I hope that you do not use that information to judge yourself or to judge the people around you.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: But instead, use it to become more intentional in your daily life.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Tiara, and this is Real Thoughts Podcast.