Latest / Beyond Limits With Olivia Marie / Getting Out Of Tit For Tat, Feeling Safe In Relationships, Evolving With Your Partner & More

Transcript

Getting Out Of Tit For Tat, Feeling Safe In Relationships, Evolving With Your Partner & More · Beyond Limits With Olivia Marie

0:01
SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Live Well Podcast.
0:03
SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Liv, a naturopathic doctor, mentor, energy healer, a Kasha Creator, intuitive, energetic business mentor, and honestly, so much more.
0:12
SPEAKER_00: I help you heal on a physical and emotional level so that you can feel delicious in your health, body, relationships, career, and a bank account.
0:20
SPEAKER_00: This show is for those of you who are looking to go beyond the basic wellness stuff, cut out the BS and really create a life that you love.
0:27
SPEAKER_00: We talk about health, trauma healing, energetics, feminine energy, wealth, and magnetism so that you can live a life that feels delicious.
0:35
SPEAKER_00: In these episodes, we will have an honest conversation without the fluffy bullshit.
0:39
SPEAKER_00: You walk away with all of the insights, tools, and tips to truly live your best life, mind, body, and soul.
0:46
SPEAKER_00: If you are looking to live well, you are in the right place.
0:49
SPEAKER_00: For ways to work with me, visit keepupwithlive.com and follow me on Instagram at keep up with live for more.
0:54
SPEAKER_00: And with that, let's get into the show.
0:56
SPEAKER_00: Hello, everyone.
0:58
SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to the Live Well Podcast.
1:01
SPEAKER_00: I am excited to bring you another episode.
1:04
SPEAKER_00: I'm actually recording in Toronto.
1:06
SPEAKER_00: I've been here this week to help my mom who's had surgery.
1:11
SPEAKER_00: And this is when we're getting the podcast on.
1:13
SPEAKER_00: So I'm excited.
1:13
SPEAKER_00: I have got a little bit of coffee with me.
1:15
SPEAKER_00: We have some beautiful questions around relationships that I'm really excited to dive into.
1:20
SPEAKER_00: But definitely being in the city is just a whole lother.
1:23
SPEAKER_00: When you don't live in the city and then you come to the city for like more than like a day and you're like quote unquote like living here kind of, like I've been here four days maybe now.
1:32
SPEAKER_00: It's like the energy is so intense.
1:34
SPEAKER_00: I was just thinking about it.
1:35
SPEAKER_00: To me, it's like swimming upstream constantly, it's just like the density of people.
1:42
SPEAKER_00: I think is also because I'm in a place where I don't know, there's like 50 million condo buildings around me.
1:47
SPEAKER_00: There's so many people above me and below me, and I have only gotten like more psychic and sensitive with age, not less.
1:55
SPEAKER_00: So it's just like so much that you're like not only protecting yourself from, but like feeling transmuting and like uh, like I said, it feels like swimming upstreet.
2:05
SPEAKER_00: There's like the density.
2:07
SPEAKER_00: So props to you if you can live in the city.
2:10
SPEAKER_00: And this is definitely one of the reasons why I don't live in like a densely populated area, and it's so funny how that more and more people are like spreading out, and I think you know, not whether you're super spiritual or not.
2:21
SPEAKER_00: I was saying this to my friend grow walking this morning, just the fact that you like your energetic fields are constantly overlapped with someone because like it's not only who you're living with, but people above you or below you, like your field is big enough that the person underneath me, whatever whoever's in this unit right now, like they're in that field, right?
2:39
SPEAKER_00: And it's just it's a blot.
2:41
SPEAKER_00: So excited to eventually go back to my little suburb living.
2:44
SPEAKER_00: But for now, we are going to be diving into this little relationship episode.
2:49
SPEAKER_00: My wonderful, I called her my goat, my greatest of all time, Morgan, has some questions that are going to be fire.
2:59
SPEAKER_00: She's not trying to be live, but she made the questions for me based on kind of like what I see most comes up, and so just we're gonna dive into it because these are all things that I see most commonly come up, whether it's the clients or questions I get, and let's make your relationships good as hell, right?
3:15
SPEAKER_00: So the first one is how to feel safe and secure, actually, not just in your romantic relationships, but friendships.
3:24
SPEAKER_00: So safety and security in relationships really comes down to, of course, your attachment style, right?
3:29
SPEAKER_00: So your attachment style is super important because that's your first basis for relationships when you were born.
3:35
SPEAKER_00: So if that's not made with safety and security, it's going to affect all your relationships, right?
3:41
SPEAKER_00: Not just your romantic, romantic will be like the biggest ones, but friendships, it'll affect relationships at work.
3:47
SPEAKER_00: You might find that you get into fight or flight or survival mode at work relationships.
3:51
SPEAKER_00: Is so and so mad at me?
3:53
SPEAKER_00: Am I gonna get fired at this?
3:54
SPEAKER_00: Like, do they like me?
3:55
SPEAKER_00: It can come up in many different places.
3:57
SPEAKER_00: So the number one thing to feeling safe and secure is I want you to first to identify like what your attachment style is.
4:04
SPEAKER_00: And if you're not sure what your attachment style is, we have episodes on like anxious attachment, avoided attachment.
4:09
SPEAKER_00: I've got some posts on Instagram and everything like that.
4:12
SPEAKER_00: But you want to, of course, like decipher which one that you are.
4:17
SPEAKER_00: And then from there, you want to identify what it is that triggers you or what it is that's like that point that then sends you into survival mode.
4:26
SPEAKER_00: So for different people, this will be different.
4:28
SPEAKER_00: Is it they're not responding back?
4:30
SPEAKER_00: Is it you overanalyze and personalize body language?
4:33
SPEAKER_00: Is it you read like, oh, you think he's being cold, and so that means he's gonna like leave you or something's wrong, or he's gonna break up, or you know, what is that little trigger point?
4:42
SPEAKER_00: And I always like to say, what triggers you points to where you need healing.
4:48
SPEAKER_00: I mean, if every woman took the things that she got triggered by and healed them instead of avoiding them, we'd see a lot more women with healed nervous systems.
4:56
SPEAKER_00: But unfortunately, and I feel like I need to make this a whole episode, this whole like recent phenomenon about like trigger warning, but like all the time, like way too much.
5:06
SPEAKER_00: It's just like if you're getting triggered, people are like, oh, I'm just gonna unfollow, I'm just gonna like mute, I'm just not gonna look at it if I'm getting triggered.
5:12
SPEAKER_00: And I'm just like, if it's not that that's gonna trigger you, like something else will.
5:18
SPEAKER_00: If it's not that person or that post, then you'll get you'll see another one and you'll see another one.
5:22
SPEAKER_00: And then you're constantly trying to play like avoiding the triggers instead of actually dealing with it so that you can be free.
5:27
SPEAKER_00: It's like managing your symptoms.
5:28
SPEAKER_00: Why do we manage symptoms?
5:29
SPEAKER_00: Why don't we just like get to the root and eliminate them so you don't have to manage them?
5:33
SPEAKER_00: It requires a lot less effort, right?
5:35
SPEAKER_00: Because when you're safe and secure, you're not riding this roller coaster of up and down of trying to avoid triggers, trying to manage it.
5:40
SPEAKER_00: You just are solid.
5:42
SPEAKER_00: Like when you're not anxiously attached anymore, you don't have to think about hmm, am I gonna get anxious or not?
5:47
SPEAKER_00: It just doesn't happen.
5:48
SPEAKER_00: That default doesn't kick in.
5:50
SPEAKER_00: So, in order to feel safe and secure, you need to heal your attachment cell.
5:53
SPEAKER_00: That is where your brain, under two years old, programmed itself for how it's going to feel in relationships.
5:59
SPEAKER_00: Until you heal that, it doesn't matter what kind of logic you have, it doesn't matter if you try to affirm your way out, it doesn't, all of that either won't stick or won't feel like it's working, or it's gonna be a roller coaster of up and down and up and down.
6:12
SPEAKER_00: And to me, I know some people think, you know, oh, you can't heal your relationship style if you're in a certain kind of relationship.
6:18
SPEAKER_00: I disagree because you can always heal you.
6:23
SPEAKER_00: Because if you don't heal you, you're gonna bring you to the next one.
6:27
SPEAKER_00: Right?
6:27
SPEAKER_00: But you can always like heal the part of you that you're responsible for.
6:34
SPEAKER_00: And I think taking responsibility in that instead of like playing the blame game, a lot of people when it comes to feeling safe and secure, we automatically want to blame the other person.
6:45
SPEAKER_00: And while their behavior may be true, I don't dispute like I've been in relationships with an avoidant attachment style.
6:51
SPEAKER_00: I their behavior is avoidant, you know, that anxious avoidance cycle.
6:55
SPEAKER_00: I get that, and you can also take the responsibility to become secure in yours.
7:01
SPEAKER_00: Because when you are like when a secure meets an avoidant, it doesn't have the same effect.
7:07
SPEAKER_00: Right?
7:08
SPEAKER_00: So in order to feel safe and secure, your attachment style like needs to be healed.
7:12
SPEAKER_00: And obviously, like if you want to do that with me, we have attached, we have goodness hell, two beautiful like containers that are gonna help navigate your nervous system and relationships.
7:21
SPEAKER_00: Because you could tell yourself, oh, it's fine, oh, it's okay, right?
7:28
SPEAKER_00: We've all had those thoughts to try to like out programming our mind, but when your brain goes into survival mode, you don't have the option.
7:34
SPEAKER_00: I was actually saying this, well, I think I was in Well Rico today.
7:38
SPEAKER_00: You don't actually have the opportunity to decide whether you go into survival mode, right?
7:42
SPEAKER_00: You don't sit there and be like, am I going to enter survival mode?
7:45
SPEAKER_00: No, it is default.
7:46
SPEAKER_00: Your body goes there naturally, it's a primal systemic response, but you can change that as the default, but not in the moment, only by removing the conditions around it.
7:58
unknown: Right?
7:58
SPEAKER_00: So, in order to feel safe and secure, you have to remove the conditions that make your nervous system assume anxious attachment or assume avoiding detached and go that route.
8:10
SPEAKER_00: So, the next question, take a sip of my coffee, is your advice when it comes to not feeling heard or seen in a relationship?
8:21
SPEAKER_00: My answer is gonna be a couple fold.
8:25
SPEAKER_00: It's so interesting, and uh the first thing I'm gonna say, and I guarantee this is not what you're gonna expect, but are you actually giving them space for them to see you and hear you?
8:43
SPEAKER_00: Now, what do I mean by this?
8:45
SPEAKER_00: Are you asking if they have this space?
8:49
SPEAKER_00: So I'm gonna give you an uh semi-recent example from one of my clients that I remember.
8:54
SPEAKER_00: Uh it was a few months ago, but this one sucks with me, so I don't remember the exact words, but she approached her husband and was telling him about a story about something, or what it was, story about whatever.
9:05
SPEAKER_00: She felt like you know, he wasn't paying attention to her, he wasn't attentive to like her storytelling, you know, wasn't very interactive in the story.
9:15
SPEAKER_00: I forget.
9:15
SPEAKER_00: He was either on his phone or there's TV.
9:17
SPEAKER_00: There's something where like he wasn't paying fully attention.
9:20
SPEAKER_00: And so my first question was did you ask if he had space?
9:24
SPEAKER_00: Oftentimes you're not feeling seen or heard, but you haven't even asked if they had space.
9:30
SPEAKER_00: Maybe he is decompressing.
9:32
SPEAKER_00: Maybe he needs time for himself.
9:34
SPEAKER_00: Maybe he just like doesn't have the capacity or want to talk.
9:37
SPEAKER_00: This is something that like I've nailed in my relationship.
9:39
SPEAKER_00: My fiance knows that, like, especially not necessarily every single word he says to me, but if I'm in a zone, if I'm like, whether TV, whether I'm reading, if I'm on my computer, he'll actually ask, like, do you have space right now?
9:54
SPEAKER_00: Or like, do you have my like are you able to talk?
9:56
SPEAKER_00: Do you have a space to talk?
9:58
SPEAKER_00: And I sometimes say no.
10:00
SPEAKER_00: It's okay.
10:01
SPEAKER_00: And he walks away.
10:04
SPEAKER_00: You can also give a time, or I may be like, no, in an hour, no in a half an hour, or no, like, I'll come when I do.
10:12
SPEAKER_00: But so often, as women, we're we feel like, oh, they're not seeing us, they're not hearing us.
10:16
SPEAKER_00: And I know I gave the reverse example, but it goes both ways, right?
10:19
SPEAKER_00: I also ask him if he has space if I am interrupting him or he's doing something.
10:24
SPEAKER_00: We don't feel seen or heard, but we haven't even like it's this entitlement energy.
10:29
SPEAKER_00: Like, are you not being seen or heard, or are you just feeling entitled to people's energy?
10:35
SPEAKER_00: And honestly, this goes for not even romantic relationships, this goes for friendships because people want to dump.
10:40
SPEAKER_00: And like, do they have an app like do they have the capacity?
10:44
SPEAKER_00: You want to be seen or heard.
10:45
SPEAKER_00: A, have you seen and heard yourself?
10:47
SPEAKER_00: Actually, it's gonna be point two, so I'm gonna put a pin in point two.
10:50
SPEAKER_00: But number one is like, do they actually have the space?
10:53
SPEAKER_00: And then you cannot get mad at them if they don't have the space.
10:55
SPEAKER_00: Now, if they absolutely never have the space, I mean that's one thing, right?
10:59
SPEAKER_00: Every depending on the dynamic, this is why containers like good as hell is really helpful because you can come in with your personal situations, ask for support, and like we have this text um and voice note broadcast where like I give you personal help.
11:13
SPEAKER_00: Your questions are anonymous.
11:14
SPEAKER_00: So if you're worried about like dirty laundry coming out or whatever about your relationships, I don't know who's asking what unless you physically tell me, like, my name is Sally, otherwise, I won't know.
11:25
SPEAKER_00: But you need to make sure that like you're asking for space, and this goes both ways.
11:28
SPEAKER_00: This is boundaries, and this I honestly would apply this not only to your romantic relationships, but your friendships as well.
11:35
SPEAKER_00: Do they or like are you coming from an entitled energetic place?
11:39
SPEAKER_00: And if they never have the like the space, I'm out.
11:42
SPEAKER_00: If they say no, you can also ask, like, you know, do you know when you'll have space?
11:46
SPEAKER_00: I'll give another example.
11:47
SPEAKER_00: I think I mentioned this in podcast maybe like last year, but it's another good one because one of my I I see things, right?
11:54
SPEAKER_00: I see blind spots all the time, and unfortunately, like I do see them in like friends and family, like people who are not necessarily clients, and I can see it, but you know, I don't I don't coach unless I'm you know in a container, but I see things, and so you know, a friend's wondering why you know their husband comes back from work, you know, and they get into arguments all the time because she wants to like, hey, how was your day?
12:17
SPEAKER_00: What's going on?
12:17
SPEAKER_00: She wants to talk, she wants well, and he just wants to decompress, and like he's just been working, he's been on calls, and it's just like, ugh, right?
12:29
SPEAKER_00: And so there's an incongruency there because she's like wants to be seen, heard, talk.
12:32
SPEAKER_00: He's like, I just I've worked all day, I need time and space, and that creates conflict, or but she's not asking if he has a space, but then not feeling seen and heard.
12:40
SPEAKER_00: So you can ask and do that, and then my second point of advice would be like, Are you seeing hearing yourself?
12:47
SPEAKER_00: Like, always ask yourself that.
12:50
SPEAKER_00: Like, are you searching for something external because you don't fully see yourself?
12:54
SPEAKER_00: But I really I love that question.
12:56
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
12:58
SPEAKER_00: Fire.
12:59
SPEAKER_00: All right, what is the next question?
13:02
SPEAKER_00: So, your advice on what to do when you've grown spiritually, emotionally, etc., but your partner or even non-romantic relationships haven't.
13:13
SPEAKER_00: I love this question.
13:14
SPEAKER_00: I just did a post on this one actually before I saw this question.
13:18
SPEAKER_00: So, my question is like there's layers, there's always layers to my answers.
13:23
SPEAKER_00: Not question, my answer.
13:24
SPEAKER_00: You can grow and someone can grow with you, or you can grow and someone doesn't.
13:30
SPEAKER_00: And I think the first problem is that people label that as bad, wrong, or not as it should be.
13:35
SPEAKER_00: When like relationships are meant to evolve, people are meant to evolve, and I think when you get comfortable with the fact that some people are only in your life for a season, like that's okay.
13:47
SPEAKER_00: But it's a resistance to that.
13:52
SPEAKER_00: Now, growth can be like subjective, right?
13:57
SPEAKER_00: Because like you can grow or like that other person doesn't, and it may not affect your day-to-day.
14:03
SPEAKER_00: But there might be instances where perhaps you've grown in a certain area so much that before you were both, you know, you were square peg, square hole, and you guys fit together and it was great.
14:15
SPEAKER_00: But then you evolve and you become a square peg, and they're now a round hole.
14:21
SPEAKER_00: You're just different, neither of them is bad, but they're never gonna fit together.
14:25
SPEAKER_00: But then the resistance and the incongruency comes when you try to fit at something that's not ever gonna fit back together.
14:31
SPEAKER_00: I think people stay stuck in that longer than they should.
14:34
SPEAKER_00: And don't worry, I stayed in a relationship back in the day way longer than I should have.
14:42
SPEAKER_00: So the question is is that is it in an area where it really bothers you?
14:48
SPEAKER_00: Where like you cannot, like it is part of your value system.
14:54
SPEAKER_00: Is it like, okay, sure, maybe you believe in manifestation and everything?
14:57
SPEAKER_00: It doesn't matter, like if maybe to you, if your husband or partner or whatever doesn't, but maybe he that he respects it.
15:04
SPEAKER_00: So he's not condescending, right?
15:05
SPEAKER_00: And so I've worked with a lot, so many people with this kind of dynamic because there's a difference between someone perhaps not being like into manifestation or I don't know, oracle cards or whatever it is, but respecting it and kind of just like like you do your crazy things versus like that doesn't work, very negative energy, maybe lack and scarcity mindset.
15:29
unknown: Right?
15:30
SPEAKER_00: And then it's about well, do you want to be with someone who's like very lack in scarcity mindset?
15:34
SPEAKER_00: Do you want to even surround yourself with friends that are lacking scarcity mindset?
15:37
SPEAKER_00: So like there's a point where you evolve and like you've just evolved differently.
15:41
SPEAKER_00: That's not bad.
15:42
SPEAKER_00: I think it's a resistance that, you know, like I said, that happens when people are just not honest until Cauchy's come out.
15:50
SPEAKER_00: So I'll give you a kind of like a couple examples based on like past relationship and my current one to kind of paint the difference.
15:58
SPEAKER_00: So my like my way back, like first fiance does oh, I don't know, I haven't talked to him a lot.
16:08
SPEAKER_00: Maybe I don't think he does still, but definitely does not, did not, at least when we're together, believe in anything spiritual, psychic, Akashic record, nothing like that, like thinks it's fake, thinks it's not possible.
16:23
SPEAKER_00: For me, that was probably like that the one of the biggest deal breakers.
16:29
SPEAKER_00: Because I evolved, we're like, it's something I know, it is my truth.
16:33
SPEAKER_00: Like, I can't, you know, guess the fact, you know, that Sally's uncle wore this and died at this age and would say this exact phrase to her, and this happened to her when she was five, and the kitchen looked like this, and like her sister said this, and the like I get way too much specific information that like, but I wasn't gonna argue about it all the time.
16:53
SPEAKER_00: But that was such a big value, and that is me, that's part of who I am.
16:59
SPEAKER_00: That like that was that was never gonna work.
17:03
SPEAKER_00: Cause there's not even like a a respect for it.
17:09
SPEAKER_00: It was like a very like, prove it to me, prove it to me.
17:12
SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, well, I I can.
17:14
SPEAKER_00: I'd be like, pick a number one and done in your head, like, or like write it down, and you write it down, and then I pick a number, and it'd be that number.
17:22
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, okay, well, it's coincidence.
17:24
SPEAKER_00: It's not nothing, nothing's coincidence, right?
17:26
SPEAKER_00: But it's stuff like that where you don't want to feel like you're battling who you are in your authentic self with that other person.
17:33
SPEAKER_00: So if it's a you feel like you're constantly having to defend or explain yourself, like that's a very exhausting environment and relationship to be in, and it's also not fair to you.
17:44
SPEAKER_00: So, in contrast with like my current one, mind you, he's very open.
17:49
SPEAKER_00: Um very much believes in like, you know, Akasha Records and this and like what I do, and he's seeing like the crazy things that happen.
17:59
SPEAKER_00: I'm definitely more, you know, if I start talking about Lumiri and Atlantis and aliens and matrixes, and like he gets it, but he's not maybe like diving deep into like the root races on like you know, on Google, or you know, he'll pull cars and stuff like that, but it's not as deep.
18:14
SPEAKER_00: But do I need him to be at my level for like that really alien stuff?
18:22
SPEAKER_00: No.
18:23
SPEAKER_00: Is he still spiritual?
18:24
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
18:25
SPEAKER_00: He'll walk over to Akasha and like give her energy healing.
18:28
SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, what are you doing?
18:29
SPEAKER_00: He's like, I don't know, I'm just putting my hands here.
18:31
SPEAKER_00: I'm supposed to put my hands here.
18:32
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, but what are you giving her?
18:34
SPEAKER_00: Like, what's wrong with her?
18:35
SPEAKER_00: What does she need?
18:35
SPEAKER_00: He's like, I don't know, I'm just doing it.
18:37
SPEAKER_00: Like, or he'll feel things and he'll know things, and like, how did you know that?
18:41
SPEAKER_00: He's like, I don't know, I just know.
18:42
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, and I'm trying to get him to develop his skifts.
18:44
SPEAKER_00: I was like, what is like, I don't know, I just do it.
18:47
SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, he's so so spiritual, so psychic, so clairsentient, so clear cognizant.
18:53
SPEAKER_00: He just doesn't like think about his psychic gifts.
18:56
SPEAKER_00: He's like, I don't know, I just know.
18:57
SPEAKER_00: I don't know, I just know.
18:58
SPEAKER_00: It's so funny.
19:00
SPEAKER_00: But there's a respect, right?
19:02
SPEAKER_00: And so he may not know as much about Lumurian Atlantis and the fallen, you know, things, but when I say something, he's like, cool, but it's it's a different dynamic, right?
19:10
SPEAKER_00: I'm not, I never have to defend what I do, I never have to battle for what I do, I never have to justify, you know, like spiritual stuff to him or anything like that.
19:19
SPEAKER_00: Justify like trauma stuff, we're on the same page with like health, we're on the same page with this.
19:25
SPEAKER_00: So you can kind of see like the difference.
19:27
SPEAKER_00: You know, for example, I would never I couldn't be with someone who wasn't health conscious.
19:32
SPEAKER_00: I couldn't be with someone who like didn't eat well and move their body and work out, like it's just it's part of my value system.
19:40
SPEAKER_00: That's what you have to think about, both like in partnerships and in non-romantic relationships as well.
19:45
SPEAKER_00: Because you can evolve together and you don't have to be the same to evolve together.
19:50
SPEAKER_00: So the next question, and I kind of build on it, is what is your advice when you've tapped into your gift and your partner doesn't share the same belief?
19:56
SPEAKER_00: Again, as long as they're respectful and it doesn't feel like a battle where you're constantly trying to convince them, or it's like swimming upstream, where it's like maybe you're very much into manifestation and like abundance and wealth consciousness, and they're very like lack in scarcity, and maybe they watch the news, and maybe they believe in the recession and they believe in this, then it becomes value systems.
20:19
SPEAKER_00: So is there a ground of respect you guys can have?
20:24
SPEAKER_00: Because if there's respect, then you will naturally show by example.
20:29
SPEAKER_00: Like with my fiance, he wasn't into like manifestation or spirituality or anything like that when we met, but like has learned and evolved through me, not because I sat there and be like, you need to learn manifestation, you need to pull cars, you do this.
20:44
SPEAKER_00: I've just been so strong, and like he's seen the effects that he's like, now he'll use words like manifesting all that.
20:52
SPEAKER_00: Yes, but you know what I mean?
20:54
SPEAKER_00: Like, there's a there's a difference in the energetics of it.
20:58
SPEAKER_00: So is it not sharing like the exact same belief, but there's still respect, or is there a complete square peg round hole?
21:09
SPEAKER_00: And then like you need to either ask for respect or you need to evaluate kind of how much that's impacting your life.
21:17
SPEAKER_00: It needs to be a supportive environment, both ways, support and respect are key.
21:26
SPEAKER_00: You cannot have a relationship that is good as hell if there's no respect and support.
21:33
SPEAKER_00: And I think I I see like a lot of people get into very disrespectful, honestly, relationships.
21:41
SPEAKER_00: There's a lot of shaming, there's a lot of not only emasculation, but also like shame and guilt getting thrown on the woman as well.
21:50
SPEAKER_00: Which is then like there's communication issues, lack of polarity, you know, there's so much normalization of stuff that shouldn't be the case.
22:03
SPEAKER_00: But you also need to think about is there any part of you that's either shaming them, judging them, or forcing your new gifts or beliefs onto them in a way that is contractive instead of expansive.
22:19
SPEAKER_00: Because we can shame someone into trying to be more spiritual.
22:22
SPEAKER_00: We can shame someone.
22:23
SPEAKER_00: Oh, and I could give this example in another episode, like last year on the podcast, but I want to give it again.
22:29
SPEAKER_00: Let's say you want your partner to get healthy.
22:32
SPEAKER_00: Like maybe, I don't know, work out more, eat better.
22:37
SPEAKER_00: You couldn't do that from a very shaming place.
22:39
SPEAKER_00: Like, you need to work out, you need to like lose weight, you need to start eating healthier.
22:43
SPEAKER_00: Like, why are you eating that pizza?
22:45
SPEAKER_00: You need to have a salad.
22:46
SPEAKER_00: Like, get your chicken and like come on, like, why aren't you getting up?
22:49
SPEAKER_00: Like, go for a walk.
22:50
SPEAKER_00: Like, that's not very supportive.
22:53
SPEAKER_00: And that's really probably not gonna get you the outcome that you want.
22:56
unknown: Right?
22:56
SPEAKER_00: It's very mothering, emasculating, nagging.
23:01
SPEAKER_00: Versus, like, can you share your gifts, your beliefs in a way that's actually expansive?
23:06
SPEAKER_00: Oh, like I feel like I notice when I don't know, I meditate, I feel this way.
23:09
SPEAKER_00: I notice when I eat healthier, like I feel so good.
23:11
SPEAKER_00: They'll just see you feeling good and then they'll want to know what you're doing.
23:14
SPEAKER_00: But you have to leave from an expansive energy.
23:16
SPEAKER_00: So this requires like self-leadership.
23:19
SPEAKER_00: But I think that's like such a great question.
23:21
SPEAKER_00: We're gonna be diving into this into good as hell.
23:23
SPEAKER_00: So, like, I'm so excited.
23:24
SPEAKER_00: Or if you're in Land the Man, we have modules on like actually how to communicate with men in a way that they understand.
23:30
SPEAKER_00: Because if communication is not there, I think that's probably the number one thing I see as an obstacle is if there's a lack of communication, or communication's not done properly on both ways.
23:41
SPEAKER_00: Because, like I said, nagging, mothering, that's not great communication to a feel seen or unheard, like we were talking about earlier, have them grow with you because then you're trying to shame them into growing, and even just asking for respect.
23:57
SPEAKER_00: Okay, there's another one that I think is like the third part to this, which is like your advice when it comes to doing the work and why that doesn't mean you will always outgrow your relationship.
24:06
SPEAKER_00: I think people are scared to heal themselves because they don't want to lose their partners.
24:09
SPEAKER_00: This is so true, and I've seen this with many women who've come to me, they're scared to heal whether it's their health.
24:14
SPEAKER_00: Like if they get healthier, they start eating right, they lose weight, they think they're gonna lose their partner, which comes down to a lack of self-worth, right?
24:22
SPEAKER_00: Because then you're valuing your relationship over your health, which is another issue.
24:27
SPEAKER_00: Like that's personal to you.
24:30
SPEAKER_00: And then we have things like, oh, if I make more money, like I might lose my relationship.
24:34
SPEAKER_00: If I become more spiritual, I might lose it.
24:36
SPEAKER_00: If I become, you know, more personally developed, we're not gonna have anything to talk about or anything to resonate with.
24:42
SPEAKER_00: And I'm just like, if you're in a relationship where growth would tank your relationship, what kind of, I'm sorry, what kind of relationship are you in?
24:50
SPEAKER_00: That is not a good as hell relationship.
24:52
SPEAKER_00: You should be able to evolve, and that doesn't mean that you know it's gonna crumble.
24:57
SPEAKER_00: If you have to stay exactly the same and no person could grow, I'm just like, can I could not imagine not growing?
25:02
SPEAKER_00: I've grown exponentially, even in my current relationship.
25:06
SPEAKER_00: And every step along the way, I've never had to drag my fiance with me.
25:09
SPEAKER_00: I've never had to like shame or convince him to come along the way he like naturally evolves with me because we've created a space in a container that allows both of us to evolve so that we get better and better and better, both as individuals and as a couple.
25:23
SPEAKER_00: So if you are scared, A, that may not happen, especially if you're like non-emasculating, if you're not nagging, if you're not shaming, if you're doing from expansive, if you're communicating properly, if you're getting interfeminine, you know, all these things.
25:36
SPEAKER_00: But you also have to give them opportunity to rise.
25:38
SPEAKER_00: And at what point, if they if they don't rise with you, then you can make choices that way, or like if and when that happens, but give them the opportunity to rise.
25:48
SPEAKER_00: Like, I think we also can you expect more of that?
25:52
SPEAKER_00: I think when we're when we're scared that, like, you know, if you heal, they're gonna lose you, you're gonna lose your partner.
25:58
SPEAKER_00: What are you expecting of them?
26:00
SPEAKER_00: Like, what your view of them must be so low that you don't think that they could evolve to be supportive and grow with you, right?
26:08
SPEAKER_00: You would think, oh, I like it would lose it, I have to drag it.
26:11
SPEAKER_00: That's that's not good.
26:15
SPEAKER_00: What if instead, like, they rose with you?
26:21
SPEAKER_00: Can you be open enough to actually have the space instead of like even putting the energy of like, well, I'm gonna lose it because they, I don't know, are not believing in this.
26:29
SPEAKER_00: They could still respect it, right?
26:33
SPEAKER_00: But if your relationship would crumble if you were to evolve, that means you don't have a stable, solid relationship.
26:40
SPEAKER_00: It's not built on support, growth, and expansion.
26:44
SPEAKER_00: So, A, give them the opportunity to rise, believe in them more, think more of them, think higher of them.
26:53
SPEAKER_00: You know, because they people might like surprise you.
26:56
SPEAKER_00: You know, my when I met my fiance, he ate gluten, he ate a box, or no, two rows, two rows of Chips Ahoy, like the regular Chips Ahoy cookies, every night before bed when I met him.
27:13
SPEAKER_00: He's always been like fit, like that's how he's built.
27:16
SPEAKER_00: But like ate gluten, and I just educated and I gave him the opportunity to rise based on my standards.
27:24
SPEAKER_00: Now he's just as like much on gluten as I am, or like as much as like not eating gluten as I am.
27:31
SPEAKER_00: He won't eat it with his friends.
27:32
SPEAKER_00: He like if he goes out, it's like those are his standards now because he knows how he feels.
27:37
SPEAKER_00: He's aware of like why gluten is bad, the dangers like it does to your health and how it destroys your gut and all that.
27:43
SPEAKER_00: He won't do vegetable oil, he doesn't do refined sugars, he doesn't do.
27:48
SPEAKER_00: I just gave him the opportunity to rise and he rose.
27:52
SPEAKER_00: You know, when I learned something about money mindset, or I evolved in this way or evolved my wealth consciousness, and there's like a way of looking at something, like I'll share and like I'll pin it out, and it's like that he'll absorb that and he'll take it with it.
28:02
SPEAKER_00: Now he's into manifesting more, and like we do it in different ways, but he uses the lingo and he's like aware of it.
28:07
SPEAKER_00: Give people the opportunity to rise, right?
28:10
SPEAKER_00: Like he was not eating clean, not spiritual, didn't know what manifesting was, had never met someone like in this kind of like online industry who works online, whatever, you know, thing.
28:26
SPEAKER_00: Not I think I said not spiritual, yeah, like no oracle cards, Akasha Record, like type deal, and like rose to meet me and every part and I never had to try it.
28:35
SPEAKER_00: And at some points, actually give me aha moments in my own growth and expansion, right?
28:40
SPEAKER_00: Because your partners are normally like they see you the most, they can reflect a lot back to you.
28:45
SPEAKER_00: Like I've joked that I should like bill him like thousands of dollars for like the amount of aha moments that he's kind of like coached through me in blind spots and things that he's told me, and like, wow.
28:57
SPEAKER_00: But give people the opportunity to rise, have the conversations, they they might surprise you.
29:04
SPEAKER_00: Think more of them.
29:07
SPEAKER_00: So the last question, this is such a good episode, is how to get out of the tit for tat cycle and being constantly angry with your partner.
29:18
SPEAKER_00: I I love a good breaking out of a tit for tat because to me tit for tat is probably again one of the biggest things I see with couples that we need to break out of.
29:31
SPEAKER_00: Like stop normalizing this.
29:32
SPEAKER_00: Oh, actually, I want to talk about one more thing.
29:34
SPEAKER_00: So when it comes to getting out of a tit for tat, the reason tit for tat can be so damaging is because it's not a con then it becomes a conditional relationship.
29:43
SPEAKER_00: And it's very much a transactional relationship, which isn't based on unconditional love and support.
29:51
SPEAKER_00: Now, the reason like that there's anger and resentment, A, you're probably angry because you've been nagging, mothering, emasculating, not communicating properly, not being in your feminine, and then like you're demanding things, but you're not actually doing it in a way that's gonna get you what you actually want, and then you get angry at it.
30:11
SPEAKER_00: So then resentment builds up.
30:12
SPEAKER_00: And when there's resentment, we get into tit for tat.
30:15
SPEAKER_00: So in order to actually get out of the tit for tat, you have to break the resentment that's built under there, then the anger that comes from, I don't know, if he didn't do this or he didn't do that, so now it's like, well, I did this, so you should do that, or I paid, you know, three dollars for your coffee, so you need to pay me three dollars.
30:33
SPEAKER_00: I could not imagine.
30:34
SPEAKER_00: If my fiance ever said that, like, I you know, I bought you your your coffee, so you owe me the actually coffee's not three dollars, maybe it's seven dollars, I don't know.
30:42
SPEAKER_00: So you owe me the seven dollars, I I would have left a long time ago.
30:48
SPEAKER_00: Right, because whether, and that's not to say that like sometimes he gets things, you know, maybe I'll buy like some gross or whatever, like, but it's that tit for tat of like transactional, like owing versus like a nice flow of like whatever.
31:02
SPEAKER_00: You need to dissolve that anger and resentment depending on what it is for you in your relationship that's made you resentful, angry, bitter, all those things have been building up.
31:11
SPEAKER_00: Because the tit for tat cycle only perpetuates more of that, and it might have actually been modeled to you when you were younger.
31:18
SPEAKER_00: Your parents might have been in a tit for tat.
31:20
SPEAKER_00: I'll do this for you if you do this for me.
31:21
SPEAKER_00: Well, I did this, you should do this.
31:22
SPEAKER_00: So now I want you to think about where do you need to take responsibility for where you might be nagging, mothering, emasculating, not communicating properly, not being in your feminine.
31:35
SPEAKER_00: Then when you dissolve the anger, and like that's your habit cycle.
31:39
SPEAKER_00: And of course, like they have they have their stuff to their anger, their resentment to also do, right?
31:46
SPEAKER_00: Because the tit for tat cycle is because both people are angry, both people are resentful.
31:51
SPEAKER_00: And it's like under the surface, and until you dissolve that, both of you will be at play, but you can be in charge of like your side, and you'll notice even you breaking out of it will shift that cycle massively.
32:02
SPEAKER_00: Because as long as one of you breaks it, the cycle doesn't continue.
32:06
SPEAKER_00: The tit for tat requires both of you to like play into the cycle, it takes two to tango.
32:10
SPEAKER_00: One of you breaks it, the one person cannot carry on the cycle on their own, right?
32:14
SPEAKER_00: You you wouldn't engage or interact with it.
32:17
SPEAKER_00: Which brings me also to my second point is normalizing.
32:21
SPEAKER_00: And I made a post about this, but I think I know I see people normalizing things that should not be normalized.
32:27
SPEAKER_00: Tit for tat is common in a lot of, I want to say like lesser conscious relationships, or not conscious, like in terms of like person development relationships, it's common.
32:40
SPEAKER_00: Complaining, which is the complaining energy is the second thing I want to talk about, is common.
32:46
SPEAKER_00: When you're normalizing these things, how?
32:51
SPEAKER_00: How are you gonna get out of that?
32:52
SPEAKER_00: If that if that you think is normal, it's like people who think bloating is normal, PMS is normal.
32:58
SPEAKER_00: In what world do you think bloating is normal?
33:00
SPEAKER_00: Just like in what world do you think complaining is normal?
33:02
SPEAKER_00: In what world do you think tit for tat is normal?
33:04
SPEAKER_00: But if that's what most society does, that what you maybe tell your parents do, and what most people do in relationships, you're gonna think, oh, it's normal.
33:12
SPEAKER_00: Most people like or do tit for tat.
33:14
SPEAKER_00: Most people complain constantly about their partners.
33:17
SPEAKER_00: He's not doing this, he didn't buy me flowers, he's not taking out the trash, he didn't oh my god.
33:22
SPEAKER_00: I've never like I don't ever complain about my fiance, ever.
33:26
SPEAKER_00: He doesn't complain about me.
33:29
SPEAKER_00: He has friends who complain about their partners.
33:33
SPEAKER_00: He'll tell me the stories.
33:36
SPEAKER_00: But we don't ever complain.
33:38
SPEAKER_00: Complaining energy is a very different energy, right?
33:41
SPEAKER_00: That doesn't mean that like things aren't, you know, that things are perfect constantly 24-7, but complaining energy is very different than addressing an actual issue with emotional intelligence, and normally things that people complain about, they're not normally like the big issues in terms of like value systems.
34:00
SPEAKER_00: They're complaining about little things.
34:02
SPEAKER_00: They're not doing this, they're not doing that, they're not doing that.
34:06
SPEAKER_00: It's not like what are you normalizing in a relationship?
34:10
SPEAKER_00: You get to choose what you normalize, you get to choose the standards you want.
34:14
SPEAKER_00: You get to choose from this point forward that like you don't engage in complaining energy, that you don't complain about your partner, that you don't complain to other people about them, that if someone else is engaging and complaining about their partner, that you don't engage, right?
34:27
SPEAKER_00: That you don't, oh yeah, you know, my I don't know, husband does it too or whatever, and then like kind of you're both normalizing shitty relationships, then you wonder why your relationships aren't good as hell.
34:36
SPEAKER_00: You gotta break out of complaining energy, you gotta break out of like tit for tat, you gotta break out of all these different like mediocre standards fighting.
34:46
SPEAKER_00: Like, are you normalizing like yelling at each other, calling each other names?
34:50
SPEAKER_00: In what world do you need to be?
34:51
SPEAKER_00: I we have never yelled at each other, not once.
34:55
SPEAKER_00: Like, why would you be yelling at each other?
34:57
SPEAKER_00: That's not a way to have an emotionally intelligent adult conversation.
35:01
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I had someone love me a good troll comment on one of my reels with my fiance.
35:10
SPEAKER_00: Something because I had said, like, we don't complain about each other to our friends and family ever.
35:15
SPEAKER_00: Not that there's anything to complain about.
35:16
SPEAKER_00: And she's like, not that there's anything to complain about?
35:19
SPEAKER_00: Is this some sort of like AI mistake?
35:21
SPEAKER_00: And I'm just like, no, that's what happens when your relationships are good as hell.
35:26
SPEAKER_00: That that means there's nothing to complain about.
35:31
SPEAKER_00: Right?
35:32
SPEAKER_00: It's a very different energy.
35:33
SPEAKER_00: It's just like it's loving and supportive, and you address things, respect each other's person, and like you fix it and you go on, right?
35:40
SPEAKER_00: But think about the energy come with as.
35:42
SPEAKER_00: Does that mean that my like my fiance constantly like when he cuts things off of like you know, a tag, he'll leave, cut the tag, leave the scissors there with the tag all the time.
35:53
SPEAKER_00: Or like if it's like um, you know, when you open like a bag of something, like of nuts or something, like you tear the the front thing off to get to the sealed part, like that part you tear off, he'll just tear it off and put it on the counter and leave it and like take his things and go about his dead.
36:07
SPEAKER_00: But like I would actually never complain about that.
36:11
SPEAKER_00: So that doesn't mean like you know, I'm perfect.
36:13
SPEAKER_00: I'm the type of person I never put boxes in the garage.
36:19
SPEAKER_00: I try to like remember I remember, but like sometimes I don't always put the boxes like you know to be broken down into the garage.
36:25
SPEAKER_00: But it's not like we need to complain each other, right?
36:31
SPEAKER_00: So also don't confuse like perfection with complaining, but complaining energy is very, very different.
36:38
SPEAKER_00: Very, very different.
36:42
SPEAKER_00: Than me just being like, hey babe, like do you mind when you tear like the well you know the tag off or off?
36:49
SPEAKER_00: Can you just throw it in the garbage right away?
36:51
SPEAKER_00: Versus me going, why didn't you throw that in the garbage?
36:53
SPEAKER_00: Why do you have to constantly bottle like that's a very different energy?
36:56
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, oh yeah, babe, sorry, no worries, right?
36:59
SPEAKER_00: Like, there's a very different energy.
37:01
SPEAKER_00: So these are the things I want you guys to think about.
37:03
SPEAKER_00: Obviously, we will leave the links for Good as Hell, Land the Man, and attached down below.
37:08
SPEAKER_00: There's beautiful bundles as well if you want to get them all.
37:12
SPEAKER_00: And I cannot wait for Good as Hell because this is the first live container I've ever run where you can actually plug in and ask me questions.
37:21
SPEAKER_00: Like we are together for a full month, which that's why I kind of made it a month long, where so that you can like plug in and actually see the difference in your relationships over that month because you're able to plug in, get support, get an answer, and then implement it into your relationship and see a massive change right away, which is going to be so good.
37:42
SPEAKER_00: So if you want your nervous system to feel like safe and grounded, if you want to understand the different patterns, the loops in your relationships, and how to shift out of them, like this is what we're gonna be doing, along with surrendering into your feminine, really receiving a man who leads, building a space that makes him lead, how and where you might be blocking this now, right?
38:02
SPEAKER_00: Because it can be hard to see why you know he's not leading.
38:05
SPEAKER_00: That's another question I get.
38:06
SPEAKER_00: Like, why isn't he doing this?
38:08
SPEAKER_00: Why isn't he doing that?
38:09
SPEAKER_00: And I actually kind of need a little bit of backstory into your relationship because there could be 50 million reasons why.
38:14
SPEAKER_00: So this container allows you to give me context so we can see how and where you might be blocking this, so that we can, you know, dissolve that.
38:22
SPEAKER_00: And then obviously, like normalizing a really higher standard for your relationships and breaking the cycle of those unhealthy behaviors like shaming, emasculating, nagging, tit for tat, you know, your growth and expansion, and really honestly having the relationships of your dreams, the ones that are like truly good as hell, that are like passionate, but there's depth, there's no mediocre.
38:45
SPEAKER_00: Like we we don't, we're not here to be mediocre in relationships.
38:49
SPEAKER_00: So I'm so excited for that.
38:51
SPEAKER_00: We're gonna leave that down below.
38:52
SPEAKER_00: Thank you guys so much for listening.
38:54
SPEAKER_00: If you got value from this episode, I would love for you to share it.
38:57
SPEAKER_00: Share it with your friends and your family, send it to your best friend, you know, so you can both of you can decide not to what you're gonna normalize in your relationships now.
39:04
SPEAKER_00: Send it to a friend, family member, sister, so that we can all have relationships that are good as hell.
39:10
SPEAKER_00: And I will see you guys in the next episode.