Latest / Sex & Porn Addiction Recovery with Russell Beebe / The 5 Stages of Sex Addiction — The Progression

Transcript

The 5 Stages of Sex Addiction — The Progression · Sex & Porn Addiction Recovery with Russell Beebe

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Sex addiction doesn't usually look like addiction at the beginning.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: It can feel harmless and easy to minimize, but there's often a progression.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: And over time, the addiction takes control and there's little we can do about it without help.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Russell Beebe, a mental health counselor and certified sex addiction therapist.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm also in recovery for sex and porn addiction.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: And today I'm going to show you the five stages of sex addiction progression and tell you when it is that you may be beyond stopping on your own.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: So the first stage is really what I call the beginning.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: So this is something that happens with the person that's sort of like a profound experience.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: For me, I remember finding a pornography magazine.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, it was like a page ripped out of the magazine.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: I found it in the woods, and it was the first time that I actually saw pornography.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: And for me, there was just something, I know it seems weird, but it was just something that was really profound about that experience.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: This these feelings came up in me, and I sort of everything outside of me, everything that I was worried about in my life kind of melted away.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: And it was a really profound experience.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't just sexual, it was compulsive and profound.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: It was the best way that I could explain it.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: So it naturally lends itself that I would continue to seek that out.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: But at that point, it wasn't an issue.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: It was like every now and then I kept that piece of paper somewhere, that little thing of the magazine.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, I would look at it every now and then, every couple of days, that sort of thing.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: No big deal.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: I felt maybe a little bit guilty and ashamed and secretive about it, but it wasn't a big deal.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't really affecting my life at that point.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: For most people at the beginning, they have this sort of profound experience with that one acting out behavior.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: For many of us, it starts with pornography.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: And when we really look back, when I look back at that experience, I'm like, that's where the seed of addiction started for me was just discovering this new thing.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: It was exciting.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: It got me out of myself.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I didn't understand it at the time, but it was the beginning of the end for me.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: So stage two is exploration and escalation.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: So this is where the addiction takes on a little bit more intensity.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe with pornography, for example, people start looking at different types of pornography.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: For me, stage two was really about moving into other acting out behaviors.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: So I discovered pornography.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: I discovered this kind of forbidden sexual thing in the pornography.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: And then what happened is I remember very clearly I was at a summer camp and I recognized one of the other guys was sort of hitting on women and hitting on the girls and sort of trying to hook up with them.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I there was just something about that, it like almost gave me, it's not his fault, but it gave me permission to go do other things.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: So I remember the escalation at this point went from pornography to womanizing, which really just meant I was trying to get with a lot of girls.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: I was trying to, you know, maybe I had a girlfriend and I would cheat on her, you know, and it would, I was always even if I was in a relationship, I was always looking for another relationship.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: And so that was an escalation for me.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: And there was sort of an excitement and it was brought into to acting out with other people rather than just living in fantasy with the pornography.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: So for a lot of people, stage two, it's just they add another acting out behavior or they add another routine.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: So maybe sometimes if you're just doing pornography, that's going to different types of pornography.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe that's chatting online, maybe that's video chatting, but there's an escalation there and it adds a degree of excitement and it also adds a degree of shame and guilt and fear.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: And so the whole thing starts to intensify.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: And then afterwards, we start to not feel so good afterwards.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: So I remember I would act out, it would, it escalated, and then I would feel shame and guilt that I sort of felt in stage one was intensified.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: And so the cycle started to build upon itself because I would act out, I'd feel bad, and then I'd act out more to feel better again.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: So it's important to realize in stage two, I look back at this and I say, this is really stage two exploration and escalation is really where the addiction started for me.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: For a lot of people, when we add other acting out behaviors, when it escalates, when it starts to become more frequent, that's when the addiction really takes hold.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: And if I look back at that, I'm like, that's really where I lost control.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: And it's usually this place.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: Now, nobody, very few people, there was no way I would get help at this point, but very few people in stage two will be like, oh, I recognize I have a problem with this.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna go get some help for that.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: Because there's really no, at this point, there was no consequences in my life for doing this.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe a little bit, I upset some people, that kind of thing, but there was no consequences there.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: But when I look back, this was the stage where I now felt like I was addicted to sex.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're in this stage, I'm telling you right now that it's gonna be very hard to stop without getting some kind of support.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: And we still have three more phases to go.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so stage three is what I call warning signs.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: This is where the addiction and the behaviors actually become more severe for a lot of people.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: So just to be clear, if it's just pornography, the behaviors escalate to more extreme types of pornography.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe somebody that's not into same-sex actually explores same-sex pornography.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: You know, maybe they look at different types of pornography, like maybe some porn that's that's more violent, uh, orgies, that kind of thing.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: And so the pornography itself escalates for a sex addict with lots of different behaviors.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: This is where, so, you know, perhaps you started with pornography and then you're womanizing, and maybe you cheated on your wife, or maybe you cheated on your girlfriend, and then you started exploring like um escort sites and considering getting with an escort or a prostitute.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you do it once or twice, maybe you go to a massage parlor and you have that experience.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: So there's more behaviors that start in on this.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: And so the thing about addiction that progresses is that we get into this place where when we act out, it's sort of a ritual and a trance.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: So there's this ritual that that happens over time with sex addicts.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: So they might sit down at the computer and start looking at pornography, and then they'll start chatting with somebody that, yeah, somebody at work or something like that, and then they meet up with them or they're looking at pornography, and then that goes to looking at prostitutes and escorts online, and maybe they'll go and meet with one, you know, and over time there's sort of this routine that happens, and and it's the chase and the routine and the pattern in the acting out behavior.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: And so that whole routine starts to last longer.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: So whereas you might sit down and look at pornography for a couple hours, the routine now with different behaviors mixed in starts, maybe starts with pornography.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: And by the way, everybody's different.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: Starts with pornography, then a little bit of chatting, then looking at some sites, then go meeting with somebody, and then the whole episode takes six or seven hours.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: And the other thing about this, because there's different behaviors, you think of somebody that's like, well, it's just pornography, and then it's chatting or web chatting, and then it's, you know, cheating on my wife or sleeping with a prostitute or going to a massage parlor, the shame and guilt and fear that comes out of that on the other side is really, really intense.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: So the person starts, there's more excitement, but on the other end, there's a lot more fear and shame and guilt.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: That fear, shame, and guilt adds to the necessity of needing to do it again because we get to a place where sex addiction is more about relief and getting out of ourselves and calming the fear, shame, and guilt that we've experienced from acting out and experience from the escalation of this in phase three.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: And just to be clear, I'm talking about sex addiction and the escalation of different levels.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: And a lot of it starts, most people have a foundation of pornography, which is where it starts.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: But a lot of people, these phases just go inside of porn addiction.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: So they don't end up doing cheating behaviors or, you know, acting out with other people, they just kind of stay in the realm of pornography.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: But the escalation is the same: longer hours, more intensity, different types, different variety, more risky behaviors.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: And so even inside somebody who's only ever done pornography and not done it and doesn't have other acting out behaviors, these five stages escalate throughout porn-only addiction, just like they do with somebody that has sex addiction, where there's lots of different acting out behaviors and a ritual.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, if you recognize yourself in these stages and you're past stage two, you may be beyond the point where you can figure this out on your own.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, you're probably going to try.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: If you're like me, I had to go all the way up all this, and we still have two more stages to go.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: If that's you and you're seeing yourself here, I do work with people.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: I have a program for men struggling with sex andor porn addiction.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: We help them overcome the obsession.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: We help them stop the behaviors that they want to stop.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: If there's relationship harm there, we help them heal in the relationship.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: If you're interested, reach out to us down below, somewhere around this video.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: You'll have a clear understanding of how to reach out to us, either to a website or to schedule a call or to send us a DM.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: And what we'll do is we'll talk to you about where you're at with your addiction and see if it makes sense to work together and map out what it would look like for you to actually recover from this.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: So reach out, let us know.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: So stage four is really what I call loss of control.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: So this is where the person knows.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: So in stage three, we get a pretty big understanding of like, this is a problem.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: I need to stop this.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: Stage four is where we sort of really recognize that we see the consequences.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe we got caught, maybe our wife is angry at us, maybe we got we lost a job or something happens, something bad happens, and we set out to stop, right?
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: So most people will they'll recognize it's a problem.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: They're like, I'm gonna do something about this.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: The most natural thing that I could do is go get therapy.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: And so they'll try therapy.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: And to be honest with you, I'm a therapist, so I'm saying this.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: Therapy alone for an addiction like this is usually not enough.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: You need something more intensive, something like what we do in in my program.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's more intensive.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: There's multiple contact points, accountability and support and things like that.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: So but people will go out in this stage and they try to work this out.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they go to 12-step groups, they hang out in in Sexaholics Anonymous or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, maybe get a sponsor, maybe do the steps a little bit, but they've really lost control at this point.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: Unless they have a really specific recovery process, they're there, it's really hard for them to recover.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: Sort of doing just doing therapy once a week and then maybe going to some meetings.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: None of that really is going to be powerful enough to overcome the addiction in stage four.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: And this is really where the mental obsession takes over.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: So what happens is the person acts out, but then really quickly after they act out, after, and usually what happens actually is I would act out and then at this stage, and I would promise myself and everybody else I'll never do it again.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: And then usually 20 minutes, two weeks, two months, you know, usually it was a much shorter period.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: Usually I would promise myself, and then two or three days later, that restless, irritable, and discontent would come in.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: I would act out, and then what would happen is soon after, usually two or three days, I would get this super powerful obsession of the mind to act now.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's just a desire to act out.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: And so what happens is in stage four is we get become preoccupied with acting out.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: So it was all that I thought about.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like I would act out, I'd feel guilty, I'd promise myself I'm not gonna do it.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: And then soon after that, I would get the mental obsession.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: And then it would just be like I'd be at work and I'd be like, oh, when when's the next time that I can act out?
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: Can I act out at work?
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: When I get home, you know, do I do it when the kids go to bed?
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever the case may be, I was constantly thinking about how can I get a hit, right?
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I'm driving home for work.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: I can go act out in that way that I know I can act out and get home and hide it from my wife.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: You know, that all that kind of stuff happens.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: In stage four, the mental obsession becomes really strong.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: You know you have an issue.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: You probably understand that it's an addiction.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: You might try some things to actually get help.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: I spent probably six or seven years in Sexaholics Anonymous not sexually sober.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: I was trying, I was going to therapy, I tried some medication, whatever the case may be, and I just couldn't get this.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: And it just was all consuming in my life.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: So in this stage, it's really hard to overcome this because the mental obsession is so strong and the consequences are so strong and that shame and guilt is so strong.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: And we might have these things that we try, but it they're short-lived because we're always acting out.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's really hard to therapy is a good example.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's like you go to therapy, you're there for an hour, you feel good, you come up with a plan with your therapist, but then you have like six days in between.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, well, what do I do in between therapy sessions?
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: And so if you're in this stage, if you're a sex addict and it's this integrated into your life, then you're just gonna act out for those six days and go back to the therapist and be like, oh, I screwed up, you know, how do we do this better?
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: And then you talk about some things, you come up with a plan, and the cycle just continues.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: And so I believe therapy has a really, really important part of recovery, but you really need something more intense at the beginning to overcome, especially if you're closer to these latter stages of the progression.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: And then stage five is really desperation.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: This is where you just completely give up all hope.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: So this for me, I remember doing Sexaholics Anonymous for many years, going to therapy, trying on medications, doing all this stuff.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: By the way, if you're on medication, not saying you should get off medication, continue your medication.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not knocking medication either.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just saying for me, I tried a lot of things that were somewhat helpful sometimes.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: Therapy was definitely helpful, sexaholics anonymous was definitely helpful.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: At times, medication was helpful, but it really, I was still acting out.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I was, it was a raging addiction for me.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: So the desperation part of this for me just started giving up.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like, and towards the end of my addiction, I was holed up in um hotel rooms and acting out and doing lots of drugs.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: And my my wife and my family didn't know if I was dead or alive.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: And so, and I was just out there, I would go.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: I knew I had an addiction, I knew I couldn't stop it.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: And it wasn't that I didn't care, I did care because I still woke up every day saying, Hey, today's a new day.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna try to do good.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: But that obsession would hit me.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'd start drinking, and then boom, I would literally fall off the face of the planet for two weeks.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: And it was really horrific.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I cycled in and out of detoxes for a bit and then ended up in treatment, ended up in sober living.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: And and all of that sort of put together really helped me.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: Um, did some 12-step work and I eventually was able to figure this out and actually get sexually sober, which is amazing.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: I got free of the obsession.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: I've been sexually sober for 17 years now.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but when I look at stage five, the desperation side of it, it was just like I was like walking dead.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: I just, I had no fight in me.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: I could not, I could not win this and beat this addiction.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I knew I had the addiction.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: I knew I had tried a bunch of things, and I just, you know, almost didn't care once that obsession hit me.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, all right, let's go.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna do it because I just there's no way that I'm gonna be able to overcome the mental obsession and actually not act out and do the right thing.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: But the interesting thing is that I just didn't have the right help.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're sitting here and you're listening to this and you've been at this stage and you've tried therapy, you've tried 12-step groups.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: By the way, I'm not knocking 12-step groups.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a member of 12-step groups, I sponsor people, I do 12-step work.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but I needed something much more intensive.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: And so if you're listening to this, sometimes just the therapy and the 12-step work together doesn't quite is not conducive enough.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're listening to this, that's why we do what we do at Wellness Seekers, which is we kind of put everything in one place.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: So you get the professional support, you get the one-to-one coaching, you have an array of seven groups a week, you have peer support groups inside the program.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: We have a very specific recovery curriculum that takes you from I'm not sober, desperate stage to I'm sober, free of the obsession.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: That curriculum actually walks you through the whole recovery process.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's not ambiguous.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_00: It tells you exactly what to do.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: Recovery is a doing process.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: When we move our feet, that's when we recover.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: You do that recovery process while you connect with other people in the program, other men.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: That's a huge part of this, is people that are experiencing, have experienced the same thing you have with the addiction, but are also going through the same solution, the same recovery process together.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: And that tends to be particularly helpful to men who are struggling in their relationship that's been damaged by um sex addiction.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: So they may have a partner that has betrayal trauma and we we support through through all of that.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: But all of that's to say is if you're listening to this and you've tried a lot of things, you've got to this desperate place with the addiction.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: The reason that stuff hasn't worked is you haven't had that all in one place and one conducive thing.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_00: You've not actually done a recovery process that actually works for this.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: You've not got the professional support or the peer support that you've needed, and all those ingredients put together in order to recover from this.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm here to tell you that in order to overcome this addiction, you really need something intensive.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: So we do that, we do that online.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to go to a residential treatment and pay$75,000 or just$40,000,$50,000,$60,000 for a month.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to, you do it in the comfort of your home, which is really amazing.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: And uh we have hundreds and almost probably over a thousand men at this point who are recovering from this, um, not in the program, but have come and worked through the program and and recovered and started the healing in their relationships.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and then they come and they say, This is what I needed.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: I I wasn't working for therapy in just 12-step groups and the different things that I was doing.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: I needed something all-inclusive like what you guys provide in the program.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: So again, if you're seeing yourself in what I'm talking about here and you're interested in working with us down below or on this video, you'll see an opportunity to either schedule a call with us, reach out, go to our website, let us know what's going on.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_00: We'll get on a call with you, we'll ask you a couple questions, see what's going on with you, and see if this is a fit.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: And if it is, we'll walk through exactly what it looks like and then you can decide if what we do can get you once and for all uh to overcome this.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: And by the way, if you've never done any kind of help or treatment for this, you came to the right place because we can save you a lot of time, years of pain and failure trying other things.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_00: You can get this once and for all, potentially working with us.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: So let us know and we can talk and see if it's a good fit for you.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're still wondering whether this is an addiction, probably hopefully you're not feeling that way after watching this video.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_00: But if you're still feeling like this is an addiction, or maybe you just, you know, is it an addiction or is it just a high sex drive?
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: Watch the next video popping up on the screen now.