Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 344. Should I demand an apology? How do I deal with draining friends?

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344. Should I demand an apology? How do I deal with draining friends? · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:00
Speaker 1: Hello, my beautiful beings, and welcome to the episode of today.
0:05
Speaker 1: So in today's episode, I kind of want this episode
0:08
Speaker 1: to be a little bit of a journey in self awareness,
0:12
Speaker 1: a little bit of a journey in how can I
0:14
Speaker 1: change how I approach things? How can I be aware
0:17
Speaker 1: of my approach so I can experience relationships, conflict, life
0:23
Speaker 1: just in the best way possible, because I handle my
0:27
Speaker 1: heart believe that we unintentionally put ourselves through so much
0:32
Speaker 1: suffering due to lack of awareness. Okay, Now, I've got
0:36
Speaker 1: some people that have written in some really great situations
0:40
Speaker 1: that they're in, and I'm going to be giving like
0:45
Speaker 1: a bit of a tough love talk, especially to one
0:47
Speaker 1: of them, and I think you're going to realize, even
0:51
Speaker 1: if your situation is not exactly the same, that you'll
0:53
Speaker 1: be able to hopefully apply some of these lessons to
0:55
Speaker 1: your own life, managing expectations around other people, how to
0:59
Speaker 1: deal with peop people that you don't necessarily get along with,
1:03
Speaker 1: and just be a a whole lot happier and at
1:05
Speaker 1: peace with your life. Okay, so that's kind of the
1:07
Speaker 1: theme of today's episode. Now, I'm going to try my
1:12
Speaker 1: best not to cough through this whole episode, and if
1:15
Speaker 1: I do, I'll try and edit them out. But just
1:17
Speaker 1: a little disclaimer. There's I'm coughing constantly. I feel fine,
1:20
Speaker 1: but I'm like on the cusp if I don't know what,
1:23
Speaker 1: practically losing my voice. I'm going to try and edit
1:25
Speaker 1: out the coughs. But if you hear a cough in
1:27
Speaker 1: this episode, and I must have missed one and not
1:30
Speaker 1: edited it out, so I apologize for that. But anyway,
1:33
Speaker 1: let's let's kind of dive straight in, because I really
1:37
Speaker 1: want to get through at least three of these questions,
1:39
Speaker 1: if not more. Okay, so the first one, the title
1:44
Speaker 1: is how to be best friends with a person who
1:48
Speaker 1: is dating a boy you really hate and potentially could
1:51
Speaker 1: be an emotional manipulator. Hi Alexis. I first want to
1:56
Speaker 1: say that I absolutely love your podcast and what you do.
1:58
Speaker 1: I'm in a bit of a pickle here and advice
2:00
Speaker 1: on this situation would be greatly appreciated. My absolute best
2:04
Speaker 1: friend recently got a boyfriend, which I never liked from
2:07
Speaker 1: the start. This is because in the beginning of the
2:10
Speaker 1: relationship he cheated on her twice and I would be
2:13
Speaker 1: there to comfort her every time it happened, and yet
2:15
Speaker 1: she would end up still running back to him a
2:17
Speaker 1: week later. They are still dating, and due to this,
2:20
Speaker 1: I have a little dislike towards him and always kept
2:24
Speaker 1: an eye out, but I was able to be around
2:27
Speaker 1: him whenever I was together with her. They moved into
2:30
Speaker 1: an apartment together three months after knowing each other, so
2:32
Speaker 1: it's hard to avoid him anyway. Her boyfriend did me wrong,
2:36
Speaker 1: and long story short, he was smoking weed in front
2:39
Speaker 1: of my parents while they were in town. This obviously
2:42
Speaker 1: reflected onto me because my parents don't condone the behavior
2:47
Speaker 1: and thought that I was smoking weed, which I don't.
2:50
Speaker 1: It took me a while to convince them otherwise, but
2:52
Speaker 1: he placed me in a very uncomfortable situation and for
2:55
Speaker 1: what I and for what I think are for very
2:58
Speaker 1: good reasons, I was added him and wanted an apology.
3:02
Speaker 1: I tested my best friend about it, and while I did,
3:05
Speaker 1: I called him an idiot. She showed the message to
3:08
Speaker 1: her boyfriend in which to use how I spoke about
3:10
Speaker 1: him against me, and suddenly expected me to apologize, not him. Suddenly,
3:18
Speaker 1: there are two sides to this, and both of us
3:20
Speaker 1: refused to apologize. He even went as far as to
3:23
Speaker 1: show up to my apartment uninvited, demanding for an apology,
3:28
Speaker 1: and shitting on me and my family, completely humiliating me
3:32
Speaker 1: while knowing I had guests over calling me disrespectful, while
3:36
Speaker 1: also completely disrespecting my boundaries. Since he doesn't want to
3:39
Speaker 1: apologize for his behavior and how he acted after, I
3:44
Speaker 1: strongly dislike him and can't stand to be around him anymore.
3:47
Speaker 1: The worst part is that my best friend is trying
3:50
Speaker 1: to stay neutral but thinks he did nothing wrong. I
3:53
Speaker 1: really resent her for not taking my side in this,
3:56
Speaker 1: but I'm also sensing emotional manipulation from him, since he
3:59
Speaker 1: tried to do that to me when he showed up uninvited,
4:02
Speaker 1: demanding for an apology. A lot of people around her
4:04
Speaker 1: are warning about him and his toxicity, but she gets
4:07
Speaker 1: mad at them for saying she's being manipulated and says
4:10
Speaker 1: that there is that it is a great relationship. Due
4:14
Speaker 1: to this, she's lost a lot of friends on the way.
4:16
Speaker 1: So the question is, how can you handle being best
4:18
Speaker 1: friends with someone who has a boyfriend you can't stand
4:21
Speaker 1: and you don't think and do you think she's being
4:24
Speaker 1: manipulated in this situation? There was a lot to explain,
4:27
Speaker 1: so if you read this thank you for taking the
4:28
Speaker 1: time and advice would be greatly appreciated. Okay, there's a
4:31
Speaker 1: few things that I need to break down in this scenario,
4:35
Speaker 1: because there's certain things that he's done wrong, but there's
4:37
Speaker 1: definitely things that you've also done wrong in this situation,
4:39
Speaker 1: or not necessarily wrong. But how you managed it, you
4:41
Speaker 1: could have managed it in a way that would favor
4:45
Speaker 1: you a whole lot more So, firstly, let's look at
4:47
Speaker 1: this weed situation. The man is entitled to smoke weed.
4:52
Speaker 1: That is nobody's business. This guy can smoke weed if
4:55
Speaker 1: he wants to or not. You are entitled to disagree
4:57
Speaker 1: with it. The fact that your pair of chose to
5:01
Speaker 1: not believe you is your parent's problem. It's not his problem.
5:04
Speaker 1: I'm sorry. But if my parents thought that I didn't
5:07
Speaker 1: smoke weed and saw my friend's smoking weed, all it
5:10
Speaker 1: would require is for me to say, yeah, look, my
5:12
Speaker 1: mate smoked weed. It's not a reflection on me. I'm
5:15
Speaker 1: not him. Sorry, can't control what this person does. I'm
5:18
Speaker 1: not them. They don't reflect me. Okay, so I would
5:22
Speaker 1: just say to my parents, I don't smoke weed, but
5:24
Speaker 1: they do. As you've probably noticed, we don't share a body,
5:29
Speaker 1: So that's pretty easy to believe. Okay. The fact that
5:32
Speaker 1: your parents don't want to believe you their problem, and
5:34
Speaker 1: also your problem, not his problem. Okay, if my parents
5:38
Speaker 1: chose not to believe me, who am I going to
5:40
Speaker 1: blame the person's smoking weed or the fact that my
5:42
Speaker 1: parents and I have a trust problem. So that's a
5:45
Speaker 1: completely different thing. I don't think he needs to apologize
5:48
Speaker 1: for that at all, because we're all adults here. Okay,
5:53
Speaker 1: no one's you know, firstly, and also you're not even friends.
5:57
Speaker 1: You don't even like him, so you're already position where
6:01
Speaker 1: you dislike this person and he's decided to smoke weed
6:03
Speaker 1: in front of your parents. Okay, he owes you nothing
6:06
Speaker 1: because you don't even like each other, right, It's not
6:09
Speaker 1: like you guys are best friends. He knows how your
6:12
Speaker 1: parents feel about your smoking weed, and because he values
6:15
Speaker 1: a relationship, he's going to respect that and not smoke
6:17
Speaker 1: weed in front of him. You don't like him, he
6:19
Speaker 1: doesn't like you. He obviously has disrespected your friend in
6:22
Speaker 1: the past. He's got a kind of standard for behaving anyway,
6:25
Speaker 1: So I don't see why you're so shocked that he
6:28
Speaker 1: smoked weed in front of your parents. You need to
6:30
Speaker 1: really manage your expectations around people. You already don't like
6:34
Speaker 1: his character. Yet you're surprised that this went down to me,
6:37
Speaker 1: that's no surprise, And I actually don't see this as
6:40
Speaker 1: such a negative behavior. Someone is entitled to put whatever
6:43
Speaker 1: the fuck they want in their body. That's not to me.
6:48
Speaker 1: Within the realm of whatever, that's not the problem. The
6:53
Speaker 1: next thing that I have an issue with is anybody
6:56
Speaker 1: demanding an apology. Do you know what an apology means?
6:59
Speaker 1: An apology is remorse. You cannot demand remorse. You either
7:03
Speaker 1: have it or you don't. You either feel bad or
7:09
Speaker 1: you don't. I would never not even from tyrone, I'd
7:14
Speaker 1: never ask someone for an apology because they either want
7:18
Speaker 1: to give it or they don't. It's like begging someone
7:22
Speaker 1: to sing you Happy Birthday or to buy you a present.
7:25
Speaker 1: It's like, what's the point If I have to ask
7:27
Speaker 1: for it? It kills the meaning behind it. The intent
7:32
Speaker 1: is not there. So him asking you for an apology
7:36
Speaker 1: and you asking him for an apology is like when
7:38
Speaker 1: parents tell their four year old to apologize. When four
7:41
Speaker 1: year olds don't understand the concept of empathy and sympathy
7:46
Speaker 1: and they're like, oh sorry, and they're just like rote
7:48
Speaker 1: repeating what's the point. And this not just to you,
7:53
Speaker 1: but to everyone listening. Don't ever ask someone for an apology. Okay,
8:00
Speaker 1: someone either feels bad or they don't. What you can
8:02
Speaker 1: do instead of asking for an apology is saying, I
8:06
Speaker 1: want to have the opportunity to let you know how
8:09
Speaker 1: your actions made me feel, just so you understand. Then
8:15
Speaker 1: you are aware that they now know how you feel,
8:17
Speaker 1: and then it's up to them. Still, it's up to
8:20
Speaker 1: them if they want to apologize or not, because two
8:22
Speaker 1: things could happen. One, they have no fucking idea how
8:24
Speaker 1: much it affected you, and they're just cruising along in there,
8:27
Speaker 1: and then you're like, I want an apology and they're
8:29
Speaker 1: like what for what? Because they don't see it the
8:32
Speaker 1: way you see it. You're in this position where you
8:35
Speaker 1: and your parents have this horrible idea of smoking weed.
8:38
Speaker 1: He's in a position where obviously he doesn't say it
8:40
Speaker 1: that way because he smokes weed. So you're coming from
8:43
Speaker 1: two different angles on how you feel about marijuana usage.
8:46
Speaker 1: So for him, he's like, why am I apologizing? I
8:48
Speaker 1: don't understand right, So instead of you approaching him and saying, hey,
8:54
Speaker 1: this is how I feel. This is kind of the
8:56
Speaker 1: situation that I was in. Ideally, I wouldn't like that
8:59
Speaker 1: happening in the future because it put me in a
9:01
Speaker 1: comfortable position. Do you understand Instead, you're now demanding an apology,
9:05
Speaker 1: So I don't think you went about that in the
9:07
Speaker 1: right way. Just because he's gone and wronged your friend
9:10
Speaker 1: does not mean that you can't still have civil conversations
9:13
Speaker 1: moving forward. Okay, So that's the first thing. The next
9:17
Speaker 1: thing is I think that your expectations around this person
9:23
Speaker 1: in general are way too high and you're going to
9:26
Speaker 1: continue getting let down. Okay, You obviously do not see
9:31
Speaker 1: eye to iron on a lot of things. You already
9:33
Speaker 1: don't like him for how he treated your friend. But
9:36
Speaker 1: there's two different things that are going on here. There's
9:38
Speaker 1: your relationship with your friend and there's your relationship with him.
9:42
Speaker 1: Can these things be separate? That is the question you
9:44
Speaker 1: have to ask yourself, Okay, because at the end of
9:47
Speaker 1: the day, your friend has decided to be with him,
9:52
Speaker 1: and if you want a relationship with her, you have
9:56
Speaker 1: to respect that decision. She's an adult. Okay, Now you
10:00
Speaker 1: have to ask yourself, so you can't be like, you know,
10:03
Speaker 1: I'm not. I can't see I can't bet your friend
10:05
Speaker 1: because you've accepted this behavior. She's accepted it, and it
10:08
Speaker 1: sucks to see. And I've been in that position where
10:10
Speaker 1: if it's awful to see it. But then the real
10:13
Speaker 1: question is can I have the same kind of friendship
10:16
Speaker 1: or a friendship that I value with her in this relationship,
10:21
Speaker 1: Because the answer could be yes and the answer could
10:24
Speaker 1: be no, and neither of those answers are the right
10:26
Speaker 1: or wrong thing. If she starts to change, if your
10:29
Speaker 1: relationship starts to change, you don't have to stay in
10:33
Speaker 1: this friendship, or you don't have to have this as
10:36
Speaker 1: such a close friendship anymore. You can you can kind
10:39
Speaker 1: of move into a bit more of an outer circle
10:42
Speaker 1: of a friendship. You can go more peripheral friendship if
10:45
Speaker 1: it's not that great. I've had friends that I've been
10:47
Speaker 1: really tight with then they've gotten a relationship. It's been
10:50
Speaker 1: super codependent. They've kind of changed, it's not really been
10:54
Speaker 1: conducive to our friendship. So I've kept them as friends,
10:56
Speaker 1: but they're no longer best friends. But I haven't cut
10:58
Speaker 1: them out of my life. I'm like, well, you know,
11:00
Speaker 1: we don't have that closest anymore, instead of me feeling
11:03
Speaker 1: upset and forcing something that's not and trying to force
11:05
Speaker 1: them into something they don't want to do anymore because
11:07
Speaker 1: they're in love with this other person that I don't
11:09
Speaker 1: agree with. I'm just gonna let them be. But I'm
11:11
Speaker 1: also gonna step back a little bit. Okay, Unfortunately you
11:15
Speaker 1: cannot control other Well, I don't think it's unfortunate. I
11:18
Speaker 1: think it's just life. It is what it is. But
11:20
Speaker 1: you can't control other people. You can't control their behavior.
11:23
Speaker 1: People evolve and adapt and evolve and change and get
11:26
Speaker 1: into relationships, and we can't control that. We don't really
11:29
Speaker 1: have a say. So you've got to look at your
11:31
Speaker 1: friend's decision to be in this relationship as a done deal.
11:34
Speaker 1: That's her choice, and it probably is a toxic relationship
11:39
Speaker 1: if she's lost all these other friends around it. Maybe
11:42
Speaker 1: I don't know, Like you said, I don't have insight
11:45
Speaker 1: into the relationship, but that's irrelevant. At the end of
11:48
Speaker 1: the day, you're beef. Who's your beef with? So if
11:53
Speaker 1: I were in your situation, it's got nothing to do
11:55
Speaker 1: with him because you can't control him. She's choosing to
11:58
Speaker 1: be with him. Stop asking him for an apology. He
12:01
Speaker 1: should stop asking you for an apology. That is the
12:03
Speaker 1: most ridiculous thing ever. You guys don't like each other,
12:05
Speaker 1: you don't agree. What is an apology gonna get you?
12:08
Speaker 1: You hate the cunt. So he's gonna come over and
12:09
Speaker 1: say oh, sorry, knowing that he doesn't mean it, And
12:12
Speaker 1: what's that gonna do? You're gonna turn around and say, oh,
12:15
Speaker 1: my God is a fucking angel. Now I really like him.
12:16
Speaker 1: Now your opinion on his character is not gonna change,
12:19
Speaker 1: and vice versa. And the reason that he came demanding
12:22
Speaker 1: an apology and causing a scene is because no offense.
12:24
Speaker 1: But you probably caused the same prior to this because
12:28
Speaker 1: you didn't get an apology from him. Say what I mean, like,
12:32
Speaker 1: wanting something from someone who actually doesn't have remorse is
12:35
Speaker 1: the biggest waste of your time. It's the waste of
12:38
Speaker 1: your energy. You could be doing much better things with
12:40
Speaker 1: your life than entertaining this bullshit need for an apology
12:45
Speaker 1: from someone that you don't even like, who doesn't even
12:47
Speaker 1: give a fuck about you. He doesn't care about you
12:50
Speaker 1: and you don't care about him. Okay, so as far
12:52
Speaker 1: as he is concerned, I would keep it polite, civil,
12:56
Speaker 1: bare minimum. If one of my friends is dating someone
12:58
Speaker 1: I don't like, I keep it civil, polite, bare minimum.
13:01
Speaker 1: For the sake of my friend. I don't engage. I
13:03
Speaker 1: don't try and have a close friendship, but when I'm
13:05
Speaker 1: around them, I will be polite. Then I decide, can
13:08
Speaker 1: I actually have a friendship with this person? If the
13:11
Speaker 1: only time I see my friend is when she brings
13:13
Speaker 1: him along and we no longer have this one on
13:15
Speaker 1: one relationship anymore, I'm probably gonna tap out, at least
13:19
Speaker 1: to a certain extent. Okay, your question is only about
13:23
Speaker 1: your friendship with her. You would not be friends with
13:26
Speaker 1: this man if your best friend didn't exist. He would
13:29
Speaker 1: not be in your life if she didn't exist. Okay,
13:31
Speaker 1: So what I would do is I would speak to
13:34
Speaker 1: my friend and say, you know what, I understand. You
13:37
Speaker 1: want to play neutral here. I totally get it. I'm
13:39
Speaker 1: gonna take a step back here and not be so
13:42
Speaker 1: heavily affected by what went down. It is what it is.
13:45
Speaker 1: We're just not gonna be friends. But I'm also not
13:47
Speaker 1: gonna add fuel to the fire. I don't want to
13:49
Speaker 1: have a fight. I don't want animosity here. I am
13:51
Speaker 1: your friend. I don't have to be his friend. Okay,
13:53
Speaker 1: so I'm gonna let sleeping dogs lie or whatever the
13:56
Speaker 1: saying is. And what I want to know is can
13:59
Speaker 1: we still have a strong friendship where we see each
14:01
Speaker 1: other one on one or is this relationship going to
14:03
Speaker 1: pull that apart? And only time will tell. That's what
14:06
Speaker 1: I would do, and that's what I genuinely would say
14:09
Speaker 1: to one of my friends. Okay, but in a nutshell,
14:12
Speaker 1: stop asking for an apology, and he can do the same.
14:14
Speaker 1: He can stop, but you can't control that now. Never
14:18
Speaker 1: again ask for an apology from someone who absolutely does
14:21
Speaker 1: not mean it, doesn't care about you, has no remorse.
14:24
Speaker 1: Have a serious talk with your parents as to why
14:25
Speaker 1: they didn't trust you. When you said I didn't smoke weed.
14:28
Speaker 1: It should have all it should have taken was I
14:30
Speaker 1: don't smoke weed. He does. I don't. The fact that
14:32
Speaker 1: they don't trust you has nothing to do with him.
14:34
Speaker 1: It has to do with your relationship with your parents. Sorry,
14:37
Speaker 1: but that's what it's got to do with or your
14:39
Speaker 1: parents just not wanting to trust you for whatever reason.
14:41
Speaker 1: But that's on them, or the trust between you two.
14:44
Speaker 1: It's got nothing to do with him. Okay, my parents
14:47
Speaker 1: could see someone like smoking ice next to me and
14:52
Speaker 1: they wouldn't think that I do it. Okay, And then yeah,
14:56
Speaker 1: and lastly, just I think I already said it, but yeah,
15:00
Speaker 1: manage your expectations around people, especially those who owe you nothing.
15:04
Speaker 1: This guy owes you nothing. You've shown him that you
15:06
Speaker 1: don't like him, He's not gonna like you back. I
15:08
Speaker 1: know that was a bit harsh, but I just want
15:10
Speaker 1: you to just not be so affected about this by
15:13
Speaker 1: this person. You know you didn't choose to have him
15:15
Speaker 1: in your life. Your friend did, so why you just
15:18
Speaker 1: release that intensity. I would just less is more with
15:21
Speaker 1: people like that. Don't don't buy into that shit, all right?
15:25
Speaker 1: Next one, Hey, Alexis. First of all, bloody love your work.
15:30
Speaker 1: I found your podcast late last year and I've listened
15:32
Speaker 1: every single week since. Thank you. As a twenty six
15:35
Speaker 1: year old, I'm in that exciting but equally tumultuous time
15:38
Speaker 1: of for your life where you're forging your own path,
15:40
Speaker 1: knowing this time lays the foundation for your future. Over
15:44
Speaker 1: the years, I've thrown myself into relationships with boys and
15:47
Speaker 1: always warm my heart on my sleeve, but have a
15:49
Speaker 1: track record of being the one who ends up hurt
15:51
Speaker 1: and broken up with. Today, I had an epiphany. I
15:55
Speaker 1: have everything I could possibly want right here, right now.
15:58
Speaker 1: I have an extensive network of friends and family who
16:01
Speaker 1: support me a challenging job. I enjoy a golden retriever
16:05
Speaker 1: who I adore, how cute my own house, explored some
16:08
Speaker 1: of the world's most wonderful places, and practice a positive
16:11
Speaker 1: outlook on life. Being very independent and enjoying my own
16:14
Speaker 1: company means I often compromise and tolerate behavior others wouldn't
16:20
Speaker 1: in pursuit of finding love with a partner. I'm going
16:23
Speaker 1: to return back to that sentence because love you so much.
16:25
Speaker 1: But that makes no sense, and I'll tell you why
16:27
Speaker 1: in a second. My question to you is, how do
16:30
Speaker 1: you know what you want from a partner when you
16:33
Speaker 1: when you feel like in the present time, already have everything.
16:38
Speaker 1: I'd love to have someone to come into my home
16:41
Speaker 1: every day and make memories while we ride the inevitable
16:43
Speaker 1: highs and lows of life. But what characteristics should I
16:46
Speaker 1: be looking for in a partner rather than feeling like
16:48
Speaker 1: I'm ticking boxes of checklists? How do I attract and
16:51
Speaker 1: foster a loving relationship offering something my immediate circle, doesn't
16:56
Speaker 1: Your thoughts are so welcome. Firstly, I love the position
16:58
Speaker 1: that you're in in your life. I love that you
17:00
Speaker 1: feel that you've got everything. I love that you're fulfilled
17:03
Speaker 1: and you're fulfilling your life. This is exactly where I
17:06
Speaker 1: want all of my listeners to get to a point
17:07
Speaker 1: where they're feeling that way. So that is really cool.
17:09
Speaker 1: There's a few discrepancies here in your writing, however, that
17:13
Speaker 1: I'd like to break down. You say, being very independent
17:16
Speaker 1: and enjoying my own company means I often compromise and
17:20
Speaker 1: tolerate behaviors others wouldn't know. That never happens. There's obviously
17:25
Speaker 1: something that's missing if you're going to compromise and tolerate
17:28
Speaker 1: behaviors that others would in pursuit of finding love. If
17:31
Speaker 1: you tolerate behaviors and compromise, it means that you are
17:37
Speaker 1: If you were truly independent and truly enjoyed your own company,
17:41
Speaker 1: then you would not tolerate other people's bullshit, and you
17:45
Speaker 1: would not compromise because you alone. Independent is the minimum standard.
17:52
Speaker 1: So it makes no sense that you would then be like, Wow,
17:55
Speaker 1: I'm so happy with my life. Everything is great. You
17:57
Speaker 1: literally said I have ever everything I could possibly want,
18:01
Speaker 1: right here, right now. If that's how you truly felt,
18:04
Speaker 1: there is no fucking way in hell you would compromise
18:07
Speaker 1: and tolerate for less than That makes no sense. So
18:11
Speaker 1: there's a discrepancy here. You're either telling yourself you have
18:14
Speaker 1: everything you want because on paper you do, but deep
18:17
Speaker 1: down there's something that you need that's not getting fulfilled
18:19
Speaker 1: that's why you're compromising, or there's something else that you
18:23
Speaker 1: haven't explained to you, but that makes no sense. When
18:25
Speaker 1: you are truly happy, you do not stoop down to
18:28
Speaker 1: bring garbage into your life. That would never happen. So
18:32
Speaker 1: there is some level of dissatisfaction that you're battling with,
18:36
Speaker 1: and that is why you are compromising. Okay, because compromising
18:43
Speaker 1: proper compromise versus you know, in a relationship where you're like,
18:47
Speaker 1: let's meet in the middle for certain things, that's fine.
18:49
Speaker 1: But when you're like, Wow, I'm really really happy with
18:51
Speaker 1: my life, but I'm going to tolerate bad behavior for
18:54
Speaker 1: no good reason because I'm so happy just to have
18:56
Speaker 1: someone come into my life that I love. That makes
18:58
Speaker 1: no sense. And then you're also saying that you're not
19:02
Speaker 1: really sure what you want in a partner when you
19:05
Speaker 1: already have everything. So do you have everything or do
19:09
Speaker 1: you not have everything? I think, without knowing anything about you,
19:15
Speaker 1: I think that you don't want to admit that you really,
19:21
Speaker 1: really really want a partner. But you've got to understand
19:24
Speaker 1: that there's nothing wrong with wanting a partner. Companionship is
19:28
Speaker 1: so so tied into a human want and a human need. Now,
19:33
Speaker 1: a lot of people can live without it and they're
19:35
Speaker 1: perfectly fine and genuinely don't say it as a need.
19:38
Speaker 1: But for most people, they want and need a companion,
19:40
Speaker 1: and there's nothing wrong, there's nothing lacking. If that's how
19:44
Speaker 1: you feel, Okay, you can still have it all in
19:48
Speaker 1: so many aspects of your life, but say, the one
19:50
Speaker 1: thing I'm missing is a companion. So I think that's
19:52
Speaker 1: one thing that maybe I feel that you're not wanting
19:54
Speaker 1: to admit that it's a need of yours that you
19:56
Speaker 1: really want. Maybe, or you could potentially be in a
20:02
Speaker 1: position where you're like, on paper, I've got everything that
20:04
Speaker 1: I thought I wanted, but I'm not happy with certain
20:08
Speaker 1: aspects of my life. So it's one of those two things. Okay,
20:13
Speaker 1: Because if you had everything that you wanted and genuinely
20:19
Speaker 1: felt no lack. Then you would not really be desiring
20:21
Speaker 1: a partner right now. It wouldn't really be like a
20:25
Speaker 1: need in your life right now. And if it came along, great,
20:27
Speaker 1: If it didn't, you could be happy to wait. Okay,
20:30
Speaker 1: so I think we've established here that you want a
20:33
Speaker 1: partner for sure, because this question wouldn't have come through now.
20:36
Speaker 1: The question is what do you look for in a partner?
20:40
Speaker 1: I think you've answered it yourself because you talk about
20:44
Speaker 1: you know, companionship is the main one. You want someone
20:47
Speaker 1: to come home to every day and make memories with.
20:49
Speaker 1: You're looking for someone who you don't need you obviously,
20:51
Speaker 1: don't you know, need to lean on them for them
20:56
Speaker 1: to support you in any way. You're looking for someone
20:58
Speaker 1: who's on your level. So then if that's the case,
21:01
Speaker 1: you've got to look at Okay, what do I value?
21:03
Speaker 1: As far as you know? Do I value humor? Do
21:07
Speaker 1: I want someone who's going to make me laugh? Do
21:08
Speaker 1: I want someone who I can laugh with? Do I
21:10
Speaker 1: want somebody who's really secure? Because I'm independent, I want
21:14
Speaker 1: them to also be independent. Do I want somebody who
21:17
Speaker 1: has a really strong, healthy network of friends so they're
21:20
Speaker 1: off doing their own things often and I'm off doing
21:22
Speaker 1: my own things, and then we meet in the middle
21:24
Speaker 1: for things that we want, like what When you start
21:26
Speaker 1: really going into the details, it becomes quite easy to
21:29
Speaker 1: start unraveling what kind of partner you want. And then
21:33
Speaker 1: it's really important too. If you can identify what you
21:35
Speaker 1: don't want, makes it easy to them be like, Okay,
21:37
Speaker 1: I know what I don't want. Now let's look at
21:39
Speaker 1: what I do want. So you've said that you've settled
21:42
Speaker 1: for behaviors in pursuit of finding love. So look at
21:45
Speaker 1: these behaviors that you settled for and say, okay, well
21:47
Speaker 1: I didn't like that because I had to settle. So
21:50
Speaker 1: what's the opposite of that that I would like? So,
21:52
Speaker 1: for example, for me, when I got out of unhealthy
21:55
Speaker 1: relationships in the past, I became very clear on what
21:58
Speaker 1: I would never have again and what I wanted the
22:00
Speaker 1: opposite off. So, for example, one of them was I
22:02
Speaker 1: will never ever ever be with the possessive man again. Ever,
22:07
Speaker 1: the moment I see a sceric of possessiveness, no matter
22:09
Speaker 1: how much I think I love them, they are in
22:11
Speaker 1: the bin. Okay. And so then I thought, well, instead
22:15
Speaker 1: of being so negative and harboring that. How can I
22:17
Speaker 1: turn that around? And I turned it around to be like,
22:20
Speaker 1: I want a man who is so secure with knowing
22:24
Speaker 1: that I love him for him, that he has no
22:27
Speaker 1: insecurities about me having male friends, friends going off, and
22:32
Speaker 1: you know, hanging out with people when he's not there.
22:34
Speaker 1: He's just very secure within himself. And so I started
22:38
Speaker 1: focusing on the positive what I wanted, and I'm like,
22:41
Speaker 1: that feels good, because thinking I don't want a possessive
22:44
Speaker 1: person anymore, that didn't feel good because I was still
22:45
Speaker 1: thinking about, oh, the anger that I held about people
22:48
Speaker 1: that were so possessive and controlling. So I turned around
22:50
Speaker 1: to what I do want, and then I was focusing
22:52
Speaker 1: on those traits of what I wanted. And then it's
22:55
Speaker 1: so much easier to see that in someone instead of
22:57
Speaker 1: thinking what don't I want? What don't I want? So
23:00
Speaker 1: that with all these traits, because you've dated, we've all dated,
23:03
Speaker 1: it's easy to start to remind yourself of the things
23:05
Speaker 1: you didn't like. I didn't like someone with a short fuse,
23:09
Speaker 1: who snaps, who uses me as their emotional punching bag.
23:12
Speaker 1: What's the opposite of that? I want someone who can
23:14
Speaker 1: come to me when they've got a problem and talk
23:15
Speaker 1: about it. I want someone who I can talk about
23:18
Speaker 1: an issue and not feel like I'm walking on eggshells.
23:20
Speaker 1: I want someone who I can sit down and be like,
23:21
Speaker 1: do you know what it really annoyed me when you
23:23
Speaker 1: said this? Can we talk about it? And they said, yeah,
23:25
Speaker 1: let's talk about it. That's what I want. I want
23:28
Speaker 1: a relationship where I'm never walking on eggshells because they
23:31
Speaker 1: are comfortable with me, nothing's a threat, We can discuss things.
23:35
Speaker 1: We discuss everything openly. I want someone that when I
23:38
Speaker 1: ask them a question, they want to share things about
23:42
Speaker 1: their day, about their feelings. I want someone who they
23:44
Speaker 1: come to me when they're excited about something. That is
23:47
Speaker 1: how you start to really flesh out the partner that
23:51
Speaker 1: you want to have. And I had that fleshed out
23:55
Speaker 1: for me probably a year before I met Tyrone. And
24:00
Speaker 1: I had in the back of my mind thinking I
24:04
Speaker 1: want a relationship in my life, but I don't want
24:06
Speaker 1: a relationship while I was still scorned. I want to
24:09
Speaker 1: be fully emotionally healed, and I want to look at
24:11
Speaker 1: relationships as something beautiful and positive. Because I was still
24:14
Speaker 1: in this mindset of like Oh, the relationships are pretty
24:18
Speaker 1: fucked and all these people get hurt, and I was
24:21
Speaker 1: in a negative headspace, so I was like, this is
24:23
Speaker 1: not the time to enter a relationship because I don't
24:25
Speaker 1: want to bring that bad energy into a potentially good relationship.
24:29
Speaker 1: So if I were you, that's what I would do.
24:31
Speaker 1: I'd get clear on the details of someone's behavior and
24:35
Speaker 1: character in a relationship, because a lot of us look
24:37
Speaker 1: at the superficial things. You know, I want someone who's
24:40
Speaker 1: financially independent, who you know, we ride the highs and lows,
24:43
Speaker 1: we like get specific. How does it look like when
24:48
Speaker 1: you have a problem and you raise it with them?
24:51
Speaker 1: How do you resolve conflict? How do you go to
24:53
Speaker 1: bed at night? What's their energy in the morning? What
24:56
Speaker 1: does this partner look like to you? What do you
24:59
Speaker 1: fear when you are around this person? Do you feel safe? Secure?
25:05
Speaker 1: Do you feel beautiful when you're around them? Do they
25:07
Speaker 1: always make you feel like they adore you, that they're
25:10
Speaker 1: in awe of you? And then because of that, you're like,
25:12
Speaker 1: I feel confident within the relationship, and then ask yourself,
25:18
Speaker 1: how do I want to be as a partner. And
25:21
Speaker 1: when you realize how you want to be as a partner,
25:25
Speaker 1: you learn so much about what kind of partner you
25:28
Speaker 1: want because I never liked cooking or doing things, and
25:35
Speaker 1: I was because also scorned in the past, and I'm like,
25:36
Speaker 1: I want to be independent, but I also don't want
25:38
Speaker 1: to do anything for anyone. Now in my relationship with Tara,
25:40
Speaker 1: and I'm like, I want to cook for him, I
25:41
Speaker 1: want to do things for him. I want to do
25:43
Speaker 1: things for him because he does so much for me.
25:45
Speaker 1: And then you want to build together. You know, when
25:48
Speaker 1: when you meet someone that you want to do things
25:51
Speaker 1: for that's a huge green flag, huge green flag because
25:54
Speaker 1: it means that you value them so much and you
25:56
Speaker 1: want to show them how much you value them. So
26:00
Speaker 1: that's something that you like, I want to partner where
26:02
Speaker 1: I want to do things for them and vice versa,
26:05
Speaker 1: you know. So I think that's that would be a
26:08
Speaker 1: way of figuring out the kind of partner you want.
26:10
Speaker 1: But if you feel that you've got everything, don't rush it.
26:14
Speaker 1: Because you're in your twenties, this is the time to
26:17
Speaker 1: enjoy your life. Don't rush it because the moment you
26:19
Speaker 1: find your person, if it's your person, that's it. Your
26:21
Speaker 1: single life is dead, done, dusted, never again. Nunkamas, so
26:26
Speaker 1: relish this time. Okay, really make the most of this time.
26:29
Speaker 1: All right? One more question? Okay, Hi Alexis, Can I
26:34
Speaker 1: just say I adore your podcast? My question is how
26:38
Speaker 1: to deal with energy vampires. I think I need to
26:40
Speaker 1: do a whole episode on this, but I really want
26:42
Speaker 1: to answer this question. Specifically, friends who have no idea
26:47
Speaker 1: how their actions affect people a needy and insecure and
26:51
Speaker 1: suck the life out of you. They have some good qualities,
26:53
Speaker 1: but they try to borrow money, manipulate situations to get
26:57
Speaker 1: their way, et cetera. I'm finding it really h hard
27:00
Speaker 1: to have space from this friend as they weasele their
27:02
Speaker 1: way into my life more than I would like. Plan
27:05
Speaker 1: to go out with no money, uses a voucher to
27:08
Speaker 1: shout dinner for me, then plan to go to a gig.
27:11
Speaker 1: Once we're about to go in the gig, christ poor
27:13
Speaker 1: and ask to borrow money again until payday. Lives beyond
27:17
Speaker 1: their means, doesn't respect what I want, ie being healthy, saving, etc.
27:21
Speaker 1: Is a bad influence for drinking when I have trouble
27:23
Speaker 1: saying no to it. How do I pick up on
27:26
Speaker 1: energy vampires in general? I'm a huge EmPATH, so really
27:30
Speaker 1: struggle to see the signs straight away until I realize,
27:33
Speaker 1: and then I'm furious and resentful, but then I feel
27:36
Speaker 1: bad because they're depressed. Thank you, Alexis. Feel free to
27:40
Speaker 1: reword this if it gets on the pod. Okay, look,
27:50
Speaker 1: don't you can't see energy vampires until they've drained your energy. Firstly,
27:55
Speaker 1: so unfortunately, until they've done something. It's not something that
27:59
Speaker 1: you can see a mile away unless you witness their
28:02
Speaker 1: behavior with a close friend. If you're so, don't blame
28:04
Speaker 1: yourself for not picking up on it immediately. It's just
28:07
Speaker 1: one of those things that you know, people have to
28:10
Speaker 1: establish a track record of their own behavior, and then
28:12
Speaker 1: you realize pretty soon into the piece it's like, yeah, okay,
28:16
Speaker 1: this person is you know, they're not respecting my energy,
28:18
Speaker 1: or they're you know, they're draining me for all these
28:21
Speaker 1: different reasons. Another thing that I think it's important that
28:25
Speaker 1: you've got to realize is just because someone has some
28:29
Speaker 1: good qualities about them does not make them a good friend.
28:34
Speaker 1: It also doesn't make them a bad person. I'm not
28:36
Speaker 1: saying go out and now label all these people bad people.
28:40
Speaker 1: Not at all. Everyone. People have different needs, people have
28:44
Speaker 1: different means of getting what they need or what they want.
28:47
Speaker 1: Everyone's different and people connect with other people differently. But
28:51
Speaker 1: if someone was doing that to me, there's no fuck
28:55
Speaker 1: and way I would be close friends with them. I
28:57
Speaker 1: can tell you that for free. Okay, there's no fucking way.
29:01
Speaker 1: I wouldn't think they're a horrible person, but I'd be like,
29:05
Speaker 1: not my not on brand for me. I would not
29:10
Speaker 1: suffer that person. Okay, And you can't use when someone
29:19
Speaker 1: has a mental health condition like depression, that is still
29:22
Speaker 1: not a reason that you have to then suffer yourself.
29:26
Speaker 1: So because they've got depression, you now have to have
29:29
Speaker 1: a fake friendship with someone who you don't want to
29:30
Speaker 1: be friends with and then have anxiety. That doesn't make sense. Okay, Like, unfortunately,
29:35
Speaker 1: you can still you can still be there for your
29:38
Speaker 1: friends that have depression, but there's gonna be a lot
29:40
Speaker 1: of people who you don't like that have depression. That
29:41
Speaker 1: doesn't mean that you have to now be their friend. Okay.
29:45
Speaker 1: I've got friends who have depression and they're not draining
29:47
Speaker 1: me to my core. You know, I've got friends that
29:50
Speaker 1: have mental health problems and we can have a great friendship.
29:53
Speaker 1: But I don't have to be friends with absolutely everyone
29:56
Speaker 1: who's gonna treat me poorly and then I feel bad
30:00
Speaker 1: and burden my mental health because they've got a mental
30:03
Speaker 1: health problem. Does that make sense? At the end of
30:05
Speaker 1: the day, we are all ultimately responsible for our own actions,
30:08
Speaker 1: and if this person's actions are hurting you, which they are,
30:12
Speaker 1: you can't then say, well, I've got to stay here
30:14
Speaker 1: because they are depressed. You don't. You also have a
30:18
Speaker 1: duty to yourself to protect yourself, because what happens if
30:22
Speaker 1: you then start entertaining every kind of friendship. Who's an
30:25
Speaker 1: energy vampire who suffers the most you? Okay, Now, what
30:30
Speaker 1: would I do in this scenario? Okay, firstly, I probably
30:33
Speaker 1: wouldn't hang up with this person again, But what I
30:36
Speaker 1: would do is, at the end of the night, I
30:41
Speaker 1: would have said, I mean, you can still do this later. Hey,
30:44
Speaker 1: this is the amount of money from the gig that
30:47
Speaker 1: you own me for the entry and if they're at
30:49
Speaker 1: the person obviously ozy for other things in the past.
30:52
Speaker 1: And also this is what you owe me from last
30:55
Speaker 1: time as well. So it's a total of this. Here's
30:58
Speaker 1: my bank details. If you want to pay it off
31:00
Speaker 1: for a couple of weeks, that's fine or not, Just
31:03
Speaker 1: say you can you can put this into my back.
31:06
Speaker 1: She'll probably ignore it, she'll probably act like it didn't happen,
31:09
Speaker 1: and then she's gonna invite you at firstly, and then
31:11
Speaker 1: you don't invite her anyway. Then she's gonna try and
31:13
Speaker 1: invite you out again, and then you say, hey, I
31:16
Speaker 1: noticed that you didn't respond to me about the money.
31:22
Speaker 1: Can we address this before we hang out again, because
31:26
Speaker 1: I feel like this has happened more than once and
31:29
Speaker 1: I don't feel like it's fair. Or you could say
31:34
Speaker 1: this hasn't really been addressed. Could you let me know
31:36
Speaker 1: what you think is a fair way of addressing this.
31:39
Speaker 1: So then you turn it around and put it on them.
31:41
Speaker 1: You fucking owe me money. You literally dragged me somewhere
31:45
Speaker 1: I didn't want to go and then made me pay
31:46
Speaker 1: for you what do you think is fair? Because then
31:49
Speaker 1: it forces them to concoct some fucked excuse and then
31:54
Speaker 1: it really shows you how fucked they are, or it
31:56
Speaker 1: causes them to be self aware and be like, oh, yeah, fuck,
32:00
Speaker 1: it's actually not fair. I should probably pay up what
32:04
Speaker 1: I owe okay, Or they could say, you know what,
32:08
Speaker 1: I actually have no money right now. I'm so sorry,
32:13
Speaker 1: but you know, and they'll try and wheezle their way
32:16
Speaker 1: out of it in another way, but you have to
32:21
Speaker 1: do the uncomfortable and pull her up on it, because
32:24
Speaker 1: EmPATH or not, you're going to suffer more by not
32:28
Speaker 1: pulling her up on it. That is for sure. I
32:30
Speaker 1: can guarantee you the short lived suffering of that uncomfortable
32:34
Speaker 1: text message is infinitely less than the amount of suffering
32:38
Speaker 1: that you're gonna have where you're furious and angry and
32:41
Speaker 1: harboring all this resentment to someone who you keep paying
32:44
Speaker 1: for their shit. You don't want to be there. When
32:46
Speaker 1: you hang out with her, You're like, when's it going
32:47
Speaker 1: to happen? When's the bill gonna come? And then I'm
32:49
Speaker 1: gonna have to pay, and then I'm and also you're
32:51
Speaker 1: trying to save money. And also it's not even just
32:53
Speaker 1: with money you said that they're doing it with they're
32:55
Speaker 1: a bad influence for drinking. You have a trouble, You
32:58
Speaker 1: have problem saying no. You're just in general have a
33:00
Speaker 1: problem saying no. So don't if you struggle saying no,
33:06
Speaker 1: don't let yourself get to the most difficult place to
33:09
Speaker 1: say no. Say no earlier. If they ask you out
33:12
Speaker 1: for dinner, I've got a voucher, let's go out for dinner. No,
33:14
Speaker 1: thank you, So much easier than when you're already at
33:18
Speaker 1: fucking dinner and then the bill runs over and whatever,
33:20
Speaker 1: and then they're like, oh, good, no money, what are
33:21
Speaker 1: you gonna do or runner, No, you're obviously going to
33:23
Speaker 1: pay because you're a decent human being and you don't
33:27
Speaker 1: want to, you know, leave everyone high and dry. So
33:30
Speaker 1: always say no in the easiest environment possible. If you're
33:34
Speaker 1: someone that struggles to say no, okay, and for you,
33:37
Speaker 1: that is in your home via a text message, that
33:40
Speaker 1: is what you do. Protect yourself, protect your fucking energy,
33:43
Speaker 1: because once you're already there, you've already put yourself in
33:46
Speaker 1: an environment that you know you don't like. So stop
33:50
Speaker 1: doing that to yourself. And also, I'm sorry, but how
33:54
Speaker 1: good a friend is this person? They are taking you
33:58
Speaker 1: for a fucking ride. It's not a friend. She's like,
34:02
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, but ask yourself, what's a friend? What is
34:08
Speaker 1: your criteria for a friend? Because there's certain For me,
34:13
Speaker 1: I've got a criteria for friend, legitimate friend, and a
34:17
Speaker 1: criteria for acquaintance. To go from acquaintance to friend, there's
34:22
Speaker 1: way more boxes that you need to tick for me personally, okay,
34:27
Speaker 1: and that criteria doesn't shift. It's very clear. So you've
34:32
Speaker 1: got to get clear on what is my criteria for friends.
34:35
Speaker 1: And also I also have to reciprocate that. So whatever
34:37
Speaker 1: I demand from my friends, I need to reciprocate. If
34:41
Speaker 1: I don't reciprocate, then I'm not allowed to have that
34:43
Speaker 1: thing on my list of demands. Okay, So get a list,
34:48
Speaker 1: get clear on what an actual friend is, be picky,
34:53
Speaker 1: and then say which of my friends actually align with this,
34:56
Speaker 1: and which of them don't fall into that category, need
34:58
Speaker 1: to drop into the acquaintance category, okay, because that fucking
35:02
Speaker 1: behavior would never fly with me based on what I
35:07
Speaker 1: deem a friend to be. So obviously you're way too
35:11
Speaker 1: relaxed on what you allow friends to do to you,
35:14
Speaker 1: because that is disrespect. You wouldn't do that to a friend.
35:18
Speaker 1: You'd be mortified to do that to a friend. Why
35:20
Speaker 1: Because it's mean, So why you're letting someone do it
35:23
Speaker 1: to you? I would have none of it, and I
35:26
Speaker 1: would not be hanging out with this person until they
35:29
Speaker 1: rectify their behavior or full stop. That's what I would do,
35:35
Speaker 1: or maybe in a group setting if I feel more
35:37
Speaker 1: comfortable in a group where then I'm not the target
35:39
Speaker 1: to you know, support this person emotionally and financially and whatever.
35:43
Speaker 1: You know. That's also another If you're an empathing you're like,
35:45
Speaker 1: but I can't totally cut the mat, hang out in
35:46
Speaker 1: a group setting, remove yourself so you're never alone with
35:50
Speaker 1: one on one. That's another possibility, But you have to
35:53
Speaker 1: you have to play it in your favor. Stop playing
35:56
Speaker 1: the game in their favor. So say no when it's
35:59
Speaker 1: a lot easier to say no. Stop putting yourself in
36:01
Speaker 1: the firing line where you know you go out with
36:04
Speaker 1: them one on one. Get clear on what you deem
36:07
Speaker 1: a friend to be, and really ask yourself, ask yourself
36:10
Speaker 1: the hard questions, is this person actually a friend or not?
36:13
Speaker 1: And I think you'll make it a lot easier for
36:16
Speaker 1: you to be able to make stronger decisions best around
36:19
Speaker 1: your friendships. Okay, once you start putting yourself first a
36:23
Speaker 1: bit more and respecting yourself first, you're going to be
36:26
Speaker 1: accepting way less of that shit, and before you know it,
36:29
Speaker 1: the only friends that you're going to have are the
36:30
Speaker 1: ones that have where there's a reciprocal treatment for each other. Okay,
36:36
Speaker 1: because if you treated people like that, then I'd be like, well,
36:38
Speaker 1: too bad, so sad. You're a cunt, they're a cunt.
36:41
Speaker 1: You're a match made in heaven. But if you would
36:43
Speaker 1: never do that to somebody, then you should never accept
36:46
Speaker 1: that behavior at all. Guys, thank you so much for
36:49
Speaker 1: listening to today's episode. Hopefully you can either put these
36:52
Speaker 1: lessons into practice, send it to someone who you think
36:55
Speaker 1: needs to listen to, or at least take some of
36:57
Speaker 1: them and apply it to your your own city situation.
37:00
Speaker 1: But in summary, manage of expectations around people, what people's
37:05
Speaker 1: behavior is is basically you know, actions and behavior speaks
37:10
Speaker 1: infinitely louder than words, So watch their behavior and you
37:13
Speaker 1: can determine, based on that person's behavior what their intentions are. Okay, guys,
37:18
Speaker 1: love you so much. As always, remember be kind to yourself,
37:20
Speaker 1: be kind to your brain, don't take shit from anyone,
37:23
Speaker 1: and especially don't text shit from yourself. Dunker