Latest / 8 Years To Live / Living Beyond Survival | Healing After Childhood Medical Trauma
Transcript
- Collen: Every person has a story. Some shape us, some break us, and some help us heal. Join Sisters Kim and Bibi as they explore mental health, trauma, relationships, and personal growth through honest conversations, lived experiences, and professional insights. Because understanding your story can change the way you live it. This is Eight Years to Live. I have gone into a coma. I would just say Maria Shriver. Yes. Yes. Why do we have so many nicknames for each other? It's a good question. Because medical trauma is one of the most under recognized forms of trauma. Who are you gonna talk to when I die? He's already telling you you've got eight years. So, Jojo BB. I don't know any other name for you right now. Mitch. Mitch? You know what was thinking? In like I've told other people that we're doing this podcast and I they ask, you know, what's about? I'm like, ⁓ right we're exploring Baby's trauma, her medical trauma. And in talking about it, I thought I think I've minimized so much of your story. Hmm. Because I think I've I've lived it, we've moved past it. In my mind, you know, yeah, it happened. And but then even like when we've had other people on our podcast and you're retelling the story or for example last weekend you had one of our sisters visiting and you were retelling part of the story that she didn't even know and it brought tears or how it brought tears to me because I didn't even know your story and I think, gosh, I've been doing I think a disservice the whole point of this podcast. You know, and I think I've been doing a disservice to the whole point of the podcast and specifically to you and to what you've been through. Mm hmm. Interesting. How does that look say more? ⁓ I agree actually for myself too. I feel the same way. I think it is such a like a historical mark in my mind. It is such a reference point. I know I often say when I got sick, before I got sick, or was that like is that before, after? Like it's just such a time frame whatever thing. ⁓ and I've told it so many times. It's just been kind of like, ⁓ yeah, when I got sick, I had strokes, blah blah blah. it just kind of lost its meaning. And I think there was a time in my life where I did feel something. Like I had a hard time for a while telling my story without wanting to cry. And but that was very short lived. And then after that I thought, well, I think like everything else, just power through, minimize. But I think the more I've been sharing and the more my brain has been like ready to feel what comes with it the more I realize like wow that was a huge deal and started as one thing and it has changed every aspect of my life. That I forget that people don't go through these things on the day to day. To me it's like, ⁓ yeah, I went and I saw the rheumatologist or ⁓ yeah, my nephrologist said this or ⁓ yeah, you know, it's just because I've had this kidney for twenty eight years. It's yeah, it loses its meaning. But I think when I did see you cry when you reacted, I thought, Wow, like that is a moving thing to say or that is crazy. It does have d a lot more depth, I guess, a lot more weight than I've thought. To me it's almost like ⁓ yeah, when I got sick or the boys, our nephews call me Lazarus. You know, to me it's become kind of a not a joke, but yes, I think it's it has like some comedy to it. It has ridiculous stories. It's more just like something that happened to somebody else in a different life. But now I'm like, wow, kind of walking myself through it. And I I too have minimized it. And I think, okay, well, it is a big deal. How is it affecting me now? And now I do try like if I feel emotional about it, I'll let myself cry. And I think, Of course I feel emotional. Or I'll say things I think, gosh, that's really sad. Or ⁓ my gosh, that makes me angry. Just going through all the emotions has been so validating for myself. Yeah. I I can see us doing that and minimizing together as we're telling our own story and I think obviously for different reasons. So like for me the reason I'm minimizing because I'm so in my head that I want to appear to be the professional or the mental health person that has it all figured out. And that's been my side of it. But then when I cried one of the times that you were sharing something really deeply and personal, I thought I think that's af I think I had already said, you know, I don't want to be or appear to be the person that, you know, that's the therapist, the professional. And then I thought, I'm really gonna get into this story all over again as you're telling it. And that's I think when I cried. So that's my side of it. What makes you think that you've been minimizing it on your side? I think it's just so monotonous. Like I've it's I just know I haven't when emotions do come up I've tried not to tuck them away and I realize wow I've been tucking that away for thirty years. And so now as I'm I maybe too watching like Friends with kids or knowing an eleven year old or thinking of somebody ⁓ fourteen when I had my transplant, just thinking they would be the age I was. So just seeing it from an adult's perspective with enough time that has passed and thinking, gosh, that would be hard to watch a little kid go through that. And so now I think because I was the one going through it, there was no time maybe there was time to process. I didn't have an outlet. where to process. I didn't know it needed to be processed. So now I think as you ask me questions maybe or as other people ask me questions, I or they say, ⁓ my gosh, like that is so scary. I'm like, I guess so. Just letting myself think about the situation from a parent's perspective, then I think that would be terrifying. So scary. But when it's me, I'm like, it didn't seem that scary because I wasn't fully aware of what it meant. So I don't know, does that answer your question? Mm-hmm. Yeah. And it just reminds me, ⁓ at one point, I don't know if I'd already gone to school to be a therapist, but I know that I've had done therapy. I asked you, Do you think that you've processed your what you went through with your kidney? And you're like, ⁓ yeah, and then you asked me Because I played a role. I played a role in this where you're like, Well did you process it? ⁓ yeah. But what does process actually mean? And then were we given space, you know people have asked me, you know, did your family come together once BB was stabilized and she was diagnosed and you know, things were better. Did you guys like sit down as a family and say, Okay, we just went through something really hard or what did it look like while you were going through it? And none I don't remember any of that happening. Mm-mm. No, I think because it never seemed like I really was stable. Mm. That's kinda how like even after I had my transplant, it was Well, now let's take care of the kidney. Like it was kind of that became the new obsession, the new thing. And so then after that I had major back surgery. Now that became the biggest thing. And then I got married. So then I had to learn how to be married. I and I wasn't learning or I didn't know how to take care of myself in a healthy way. So I was just kind of trying to survive like Okay, I can't do this because I've had a kidney transplant. I can't do this. I can't do that. But I need I'm a wife. Like just kind of juggling it all. And then I started looking into like auto my autoimmune disorders. And that became so it's just kind of all snowballed, I think. So I don't know that there was ever a time that our family was like, ⁓ she's good, she's healthy. It's always been like, Okay, now what? Okay, now eight years. Okay, now this. Okay, so you know, who knows what that would even look like to say I am stable, even though we know I am stable. But you know, to actually have it be finalized, I don't think that is even like for our some of our family members maybe not even like a thought, it's still up in the air. Mm. I'm sorry, give me one second. Cody just got home and I forgot to tell him that I'm recording this. I'm so bad. Yeah, so ⁓ that's that's so crazy because it was like you're just moving from one phase to another, to another and almost like if we were to ever have said, Okay, BB stable, I can see that everybody like, ⁓ we can breathe now. Everything's back to normal and it was almost like we can't afford to let that breath out because what if something bad happens? We have to stay hyper vigilant. And just be ready because we didn't see this coming at all. I mean you had had a fever and you weren't feeling very good and then all of a sudden I think you were told that your kidneys were failing and then all of a sudden you're in a coma. Mm-hmm. Which ripped the rug right from underneath us. And so for me I know if somebody would have said, ⁓ she's stable, we can move on, it's like, huh, okay. But that never never happened. Mm-mm. No, I think you're right. It was just kind of one thing to another. And I think gosh, you said something that I thought, yeah, that's so true. ⁓ having the rug ripped out from under us. I think so, yeah, I did have just a fever. I was throwing up, it was like a flu, but it lasted so long that eventually I was taken to the doctor. And that's when they said her kidneys are failing. And we're like, ⁓ simple, simple solution, just put her on meds. Hopefully we can get the kidneys working again. And so then from that point, went into a coma and I think so yeah, we were just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like, okay, now she's in a coma. And now she's alive but barely, barely alive. And now if she goes home She may have like neurological issues, she may not be able to walk, she may not be able to eat, all the things. So I think yeah, at what point now at 42 we're like, I think I'm stable. But we've never talked about it. Exactly. Exactly. And you read my mind because it's we're waiting for the other shoe to drop. And so I know what that was like for me. What was that like for you where Do you live your life or did you live your life waiting for that other shoe to drop? Because I can see that playing out with, you know, something really bad happens to someone and then now they're just waiting. Hmm. ⁓ I don't think I if I did live that way, I don't think I was like it was intentional waiting for the other shoe to drop. I think I was just I just existed. I don't think I was like living life to the fullest. I just existed and one day would turn into the next day and just whatever that day brought was what I was doing. Mm-hmm. So even in your adult life, your married life, it was just like no, I see what you mean. I thought you just meant like right after I was home and stable. maybe to a degree, but in my mind I think It hasn't really ever scared me, like to die. So I think because that doesn't seem like a shoe dropping in my mind. In my mind if someone says like, ⁓ you're you have so much to live or so many more years to live, I think, thank God, I cannot wait to be face to face with Jesus. And I have friends that will even tease me, like ⁓ my gosh, you and talking about death is no big deal. For myself, I can't think of others and think that easily about it. But for myself it didn't I wasn't afraid, like, ⁓ my gosh, now this, now that I have no issue even going to the doctor. Like I know that with medical trauma, some people are feel fearful to go back. I wouldn't say I have that issue at all. I could probably draw my own blood. I could do like all the medical things. I think it's fascinating. So it didn't seem like a like a negative thing, but I just can see from other people's perspective, like, ⁓ my gosh, now this, now that, what's next? And for me I'm like, gosh, if I die, that's actually the best news for me. You know? Yeah. Yeah, and seeing it from like our mom's point of view would be totally different. Totally. Yes. And that that's exactly that's heartbreaking. I think nobody wants to lose a child. Now that I'm older I think, okay, I still pray like I hope I go f or she goes first. But if it's just me independently selfish, I've got no issue. That is not a shoe dropping. Please, Lord, let the shoe drop. Do you think that that was because of what you went through? That you did come so close to death and that now your view on death has completely or it's completely different than your friends' ⁓ view of ⁓ for sure. For sure to me I think that just means the end to suffering. And that means entering into glory. So I think yes, I can see my like when my friends do talk about it like, ⁓ my gosh, that's so scary I think, yes, of course it is. But when you're the one suffering, I think especially to the degree I was suffering, I think that wouldn't have been a bad thing. Like had I never woken up from the coma, I wouldn't have suffered all the years I did. But now being at the age I am, I think all that suffering did not go in vain. So there's such a I don't know, I think I I probably do have like a different outlook on life and death because yes, I've almost died so many times that I think, well it's gonna happen and it's gonna look I don't know what it's gonna look like actually. I have no idea. Watch God do something crazy and I die in the weirdest way having nothing to do with anything medical. Yeah, of course. You know, probably to be a hundred and twenty five. Exactly. Yes. Yes. Exactly. Do you think that you've given yourself permission to thrive and not just to exist? ⁓ I would say yes, but that's probably more recent. I would say not always. I would say mostly it was it was just existing. But then I think as soon as I started to have close friends and relationships where I allowed myself to be vulnerable about pain, hurt, whether that from like our childhood or physical pain, I think that's when I started to more thrive and think, wow, this life is beautiful. There's so much life to live. There's so much to do, so much to see. So yeah, I think it it took a while to give myself permission, like, you're not dying. I mean, we're all dying, but you're living, you're alive. Don't live as if you're sick, I guess. You know, live more to experience life, not like putting restrictions on myself and I can't do that or I shouldn't do that or because I've always known deep down that I can. But just having that inner critic or monologue, you can't You shouldn't. I'm like, ⁓ okay. Like ⁓ yes I can. I know I can. I know I can be persistent. And I know if I really want something done, I will do it. So now I think, okay, I can follow that more instead of just going with the flow, which can also be a bad thing. And it just reminds me of that conversation that we had with Chrissy Lawler not too long ago, where she said, you know, the mom that does everything for the child, the child doesn't learn resiliency, where maybe because you were sick, truly sick, you weren't given the opportunity to thrive or to know I do have agency, I might be sick and I can still do laundry or I'm capable of riding a bike. Exactly. Yes. I actually thought of that during the conversation. I thought, wow, I can totally see that where I wasn't given that like you can do it. I wasn't empowered. If anything, I was my power was taken away and I was powerless. And for a time it was like physical. I physically had no power. I could not do things for myself. But when she said that I thought I get it. Now at forty two learning a lot of basic things that I can do for myself. I think, ⁓ my goodness, this feels so good. This is so cool. And now I'll tell people, like if someone says, Should you be doing that? I'm like, I don't know, but I'm gonna try. Like, I'll find out. If I can't do it, my body will tell me. Mm hmm. And so you're saying that that shift along with the other shift of you learning I can have connection. that helped you to live differently. There was a shift emotionally, psychologically, big shifts. And how when would you say that the shift happened for you with connection? ⁓ I would say a huge shift was when I met Marianna. So one of my besties. She empowered me without even knowing. I'll tell her often like, you have been such a such a huge part of my life in so many ways. And she's also one to tell me, like, you can do it. You you know, like it there's no in her mind she's like, why would you not be able to do that? And I think it helps that she didn't know me while I was going through so much medical, like the worst of it. In her mind she's like, you're a an able body? Sure. And so I think with that connection She gave me so much confidence, so much. Just like never judgmental, such a good listener. ⁓ yeah, so I think that was probably a big starting point. I think there have probably been other building blocks, but that's the one that comes to my mind that I I do credit her. I'm like, you have been probably one of my first true friends that I've let in on every level. every level. She knows me in and out. And that used to scare me like, ⁓ my gosh, somebody's gonna know the oof, good, bad and the ugly. And she just sits there like a champ and I tell her the good, bad and the ugly and she's like, Wow. Like that's it. Yeah. That's crazy. I'm like, ⁓ yeah. So yes, that I would say that's huge, a huge part of it. ⁓ I love that. I didn't know that. Yeah. Let me feel all the feels. Mm-hmm. and I know that like she sent me a message when we celebrated the kidney transplant this last time. She's like, Thank you for giving BB your kidney. No. Yeah. She's like I'm just I wouldn't Yeah, she's like, I wouldn't have such a good friend if it wasn't for you. I'm like, ⁓ thanks. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. You know and I don't think that we've told our listeners that you ended up having a kidney transplant. I don't think ⁓ I think you're right. You are right. Yes, I sure did. I had a kin do want me to talk about it? Yeah. Walk us through that. Okay. So let's see. So I got sick at eleven. That's when my kidneys failed. I was on dialysis for three years. I started off with hemodialysis where they use like your blood. And they I'm not entirely sure what the process is. I just know I had a terrible reaction. Reactions. I had it multiple times to see if the next time would be better. My body would shiver to a degree I can't even explain. Like my body would hurt because I was shivering like so violently. So our mom would like put me in the car, turned the heater on full blast. She's like sweating bullets, 'cause she's sitting in the car with me, of course. And I just cannot warm up. And it was just every single time it took hours for my body to stop shaking so violently. So eventually we talked to one of the doctors and they said, you know, we could try peritoneal dialysis, which is quite a bit different. So hemo I was doing three times a week. And I think each session is about three hours. So then when I did the peritoneal dialysis, that's every single day, ten hours every day. So they take this solution, they had to like surgically put a catheter in my stomach, and then they would ⁓ that would help clean out my system. We would do it at night since it was ten hours. I would sleep on dialysis every single night. And so I ended up doing really well with that. And I think my diet even wasn't as restrictive. So with the hemo I was on a very low sodium diet. I could not drink a lot of water, a lot of liquids. And with the peritoneal dialysis, I was able to pretty much eat whatever I wanted, drink as much as I wanted, and I would just kind of sleep through the whole process. ⁓ and then so I did that for three years at home. and then three years later well I was put on the kidney transplant list. Was it right away or how long did it take for me to I don't remember that to be put on it because I know you do have to be stable to a degree. Mm-hmm. I think about a year. About a year. Okay, was that a year? Mm-hmm. Hmm. I hadn't even thought about that. That's crazy. Mm-hmm. So then yeah, for the next So those three years we waited and then I know you guys, like a lot of family members, started being tested. Like our dad was tested and his liver enzymes were high or something interesting. Our mom was tested and she was something. ⁓ really? And then our mom had maybe low iron? I can't remember what she had, but she wasn't a good candidate. And then our brother was tested. Also there was something going on there that he wasn't a good candidate. He d okay. And then ⁓ eventually I don't maybe you can tell this part more because didn't you volunteer? Well in even in between them they were tested and then v there was two times that you were flown to Salt Lake from our hometown because there was a cadaver. ⁓ somebody had passed away and they were a donor and so the first time I think they cut something too short. The second time like they the doctors did something to mess it up and so you were flown and from what I can remember it's like, ⁓ finally. I'm gonna go get my kidney. It's the middle of the night. We're traveling. We're you know, we had a friend that had a plane, he flew us or flew you. And yeah. What was that like? That's right. Were you thinking like, ⁓ thank God I'm finally gonna get a kidney? Yes. That was probably one of the most depressing times I would say of my life. I was desperate to feel better. I felt awful. Like I didn't feel good physically. I didn't feel good mentally. I just did not feel good. ⁓ I remember I had to wear a mask, even in our home. So, like as transplant days would get closer, like, okay, we have a cadaver, it was like Boom, go right now. But if I was just waiting like for you guys to get tested, I don't wear a mask at home. ⁓ just sad and lonely and not feeling good physically, it was miserable, miserable. So then when they called us that they had that kidney, our friend John, I remember, he had the plane. And so he took I think it was just maybe our mom and I. I can't remember if our dad went. But he flew us, we got there, and I was so excited. And then they told us, you know, the something was cut too short, you have to fly back. That was the other shoe dropping for sure. That I thought ⁓ my gosh, like it's never gonna happen. Hopeless beyond belief. And so where that happened twice, I thought this it's not gonna happen. It I thought I I can't do this. I am I remember just sitting there with my mask and just crying at home. And I thought, ⁓ like I just it was so miserable. So yeah, that was not that was not a good time. Some really dark days. Ugh, yes, very dark days. Very dark. But I was thinking about when I don't know if so who asked our brother? Like did he volunteer? 'Cause I think our parents each volunteered to go get tested. Was our brother asked? I don't know if he was asked, but I know that he was sorry, that's my garage door. I don't know if he was asked but I know that he was tested. So I don't if he was forced to get tested. but I know that he tried donating his kidney. You guys went maybe two times with him. And I think he went two times with our mom. And then the two times so the cadavers both being two times. So six times. going to the hospital and waiting for like today's a day, this it's gonna happen and they're testing all the way up until the very end. So I remember one of the times when our brother was there, ⁓ and you guys were doing last minute testing and they said, ⁓ your liver enzymes keep coming up pretty high. Like, are you a drinker? And he's like, ⁓ I have a couple beers and the doctor's like, ⁓ you must have had like a beer last night and so your liver enzymes are high and so if they're ever high, like we can't do the transplant. Do you remember that? Mm-hmm. Vaguely, vaguely. I remember more like the Idaho State Journal or somebody coming to the house to do like an interview with our brother and myself because then we were on the front page of the paper and it said like so many days until BB gets her kidney because ⁓ we come from a small town and so the small town like people knew what had been going on. So I remember that and I remember hearing something about liver enzymes but I don't I vaguely remember hearing like hearing him say that he had a drink here and there. I don't think that actually ever like sunk in. Mhm. Yeah. Mm hmm. ⁓ Yeah, and I ti time passed between him being tested. I think he was the last one being tested, and I think you had already gone through the cadavers, the cadaver mishaps by the time I told our mom that I wanted to be tested because they said anybody in the family can be tested but they have to be over the age of eighteen. And I think at the time I don't even know how old I was. Twenty one? Twenty three? Well, you were twenty three when you did give it to me. Okay. Is that when you got married, twenty three? No, I got married at twenty two. ⁓ so twenty one? Wow. Hm. That's young. Yeah. ⁓ but I remember time had passed and I don't know what in me said I asked our mom, should I go get tested? Like I'm over eighteen. Why am I not being tested? Nobody has said anything to me. And she's like, ⁓ no, ⁓ you're not gonna be the donor. I'm like, How do you know that? And she's like, I just don't think it's you And so I didn't believe her. And so I called the doctor. That's kind of blurry. Somehow I remember ending up going to like a lab of sorts and they drew my blood. I don't even know how or what prompted me. Obviously the lore. So I went, they drew labs and then I'm pretty sure it was our mom that said, ⁓ you're a match or something like that. And she's like, I didn't think that you'd be a match. And so then from that moment on we I don't know how long it was after I got tested, but things started moving along pretty quick after that I think. Mm-hmm. Mhm. Yeah, 'cause not only were you a match, you were a perfect match. So they have to like they classify it or you have to meet certain criteria and you met every single thing, each indicator was there a hundred percent. So I think that's important to say too, because you can have a kidney transplant even if it's not a perfect match. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I think there was like six identifying markers that I had to match and I matched all six. Mm-hmm. Yep. That's exactly right. Yeah, crazy. Yes, and I remember leading the days leading up, like you said, you'd have to wear a mask because you'd you can't have a transplant if you're at all sick. Like if your white blood cells are slightly elevated, they delay it because you know, it's could ruin the chances of the kidney like being accepted by your body. And so leading up to it everybody had a fever, except for me and you. ⁓ my gosh, I don't remember that. Yes. I remember Jackie was quarantined. One of our sisters was quarantined. Sorry, Colin, if you could just delete her name. I don't know. So ⁓ our our sister, ⁓ that one of them that had a fever, she was quarantined w in one room and then the other sister that was also sick was quarantined in another and our mom wasn't feeling the greatest. I don't remember our dad or our brother. I don't think that our brother was living with us actually. I think he was living already on his own. Mm-hmm. And I was rebellious. Don't tell me what to do. That had been my motto forever. First of all, don't tell me what to do. It goes back to the color code. I'm red. So I didn't want to put the mask on. I thought if I'm gonna get sick, I'm gonna get sick. And if God doesn't want me to get sick, then I'm not gonna get sick. And you would just cry, just put the mask on. And our mom would say, Just put the mask on. I'm like, I am not putting mask on and then we I remember the three of us our mom me and you we got in the yellow Volkswagen bug and we drove to Salt Lake we had Subway sandwiches and I did put my mask on to walk into the subway sandwich and order our food and we left and for me on my end I remember our mom walking me into the surgery room. I didn't realize that it was like you're giving up an organ and it's kind of a big deal because we minimize. And so I remember I'm being wheeled into the surgery room and she's walking by me and she tells me, ⁓ God's with you. And I was like, okay, wait, what is this serious? Can I die? What does this mean? I'm giving my kidney? ⁓ my gosh, can I backpedal? Can I change my mind? And then I just got wheeled right into ⁓ the room and they told me to count down from whatever and I was out. I woke up and the first person that I remember seeing was our one of our friends and one of our sisters and they were the two in the room. I don't know where everybody else was and I woke up throwing up from like amnesia and ⁓ anesthesia. Or anesthesia from the amnesia. I wish I had amnesia. Maybe I did have amnesia. Anyway, yeah, I don't remember a lot of pain, but they had me on morphine, which I ended up hating. And ⁓ yeah, I remember our friend saying, Are you okay? Are you gonna throw up? And I'm like, Mm-hmm. No. And her and our sister ran to get like a bowl or something that I could throw up in. It was nasty. That was my that's my side of it. What was your side of it? When you will like the whole process. Yeah. I actually didn't remember about Subway until you said that. When you said the yellow bug going to Subway, I thought, my word. Yep, I remember. ⁓ I don't remember getting to the hospital. I don't I just remember waking up. Like from our hometown to Salt Lake, that's a blur. But then waking up, I think because the anticipation of feeling better was so in me. Like it was, you're gonna be better, you're gonna feel better, you're gonna feel great. I didn't stop to think and I don't think anybody explained to me, like what a massive surgery it was going to be. No idea. So I remember waking up and the only person I remember looking at was our dad. And so I'm in the bed, the bedrails are up, and my hands are clenched onto the bedrails, and I'm almost like arching my back because the pain was insane. Everything hurt. So my scar is I would say a foot long. Like it's on my abdomen, starting maybe a little under my chest and it goes down, it's it's very large. and I didn't realize how much would have to be moved and how much how much it would hurt. I woke up and I thought this is not what I've been waiting for. This is not what I expected. I need to feel good. Like this is why I'm doing this. I need to feel good. I didn't. It took so much. That pain I would say is probably one of the worst pain I've ever had. And I've had a lot of pain. Like my back surgery, that was painful. I say that was more more mental for me. Like it was a lot of stress, just like fear. My kidney transplant, that I've never had pain like that in my life. And then hearing you didn't have a lot of pain, I thought that doesn't make sense. She's well. She's having something removed that's pain inducing. I'm sick. I'm this is supposed to be the solution. So that it took a long time. I don't know how long I was in pain for. I'm sure a long time. And then after that I remember seeing our mom, but I just I remember asking, like, what is happening? Like this. This is not normal. I should not feel worse than I did before. But as far as nausea, when you said that, that is one thing that dissipated. So before the transplant, I was nauseous all the time. All the time. Had the hardest time eating. Everything would make me sick. And then I once the transplant happened, that was gone. I ate and I felt I was not nauseous. I I started to pee a ton. So during the three years that I was on dialysis because my kidneys weren't working, I didn't pee. Like sometimes I would have like little droplets, which is crazy. I don't know if a lot of people talk about that, but I think you don't ever think about that. Like you just go pee. You just pee. You don't think of it. So as soon as I had I got the kidney, What, were we in the hospital like five days or something like that? It was record timing. We left. Really? Mm-hmm. Wow. And then we went or I went straight to the Ronald McDonald house. I don't know if you had to go. I think I may have gone for a couple days. Okay. I had to because where we don't live close to a like such a good hospital, I had to be really close to the University of Utah. And then I just remember at night I was waking up every I don't know ten minutes to pee. So apparently my bladder had shrunk and as my kidney starts working, my bladder's starting to fill up and it took a long time for it to grow back to a decent size to where I wasn't just peeing so many times. I felt like hundreds of times a day. Yes. So crazy. Yeah. So crazy, so annoying. And it was so weird getting used to not being on dialysis. For the longest time, like because of that hose I had in my stomach, I could only turn to the left. I couldn't turn to the right because it would do something like with the hose. When you were in bed? Yeah, yep. So then years after, I would still only turn to the one side. And ⁓ it was like in my nature to feel for my stomach and if I was gonna turn I'd have to like maneuver and I'd look for my catheter, my hose. I was like, ⁓ my gosh, that is so odd. That dangly thing that was there for three years that had some weight to it. Like I'd have to tape it onto my stomach if it ever dropped, like I could feel the weight of it just fall and it like, ugh, gut wrenching, yes. So getting used to it not being there, it was like, ⁓ my goodness, I don't have extra packaging or whatever. It was so strange. Wrenching an arm or like a body part. Yeah. Yeah. So that was I think I asked if I could keep it, of course. Can I keep the catheter? Discussion. Did you? I think I did, but I don't know where it's at now, but I'm pretty sure I did. ⁓ so it was an odd odd thing to go through because of expectations and things I didn't realize I wouldn't be thinking about, like I wouldn't be thinking about taping something to my stomach. Or if I do go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I would have to wheel the dialysis machine all the way to the bathroom, wheel it back. Just little things that I thought, wow, I could get used to this. So I'm sure eventually the pain I mean, I don't know how long that took, but little by little I do remember ⁓ little by little I do remember feeling better in every aspect. Like I started to look more like myself. I didn't have like big cheeks from the prednisone. I was on a lot of medications for those three years. So my body kind of started just to adjust. I started to adjust to my new body and I that's that's what I remember the most. So crazy. So crazy. I remember that we left in record time because they said you can't leave until they told me you can't leave until you've had a bowel movement. So of course, being a red on the color code, it became my mission. Like I am not sitting in the hospital. I've got school that I need to get back to. I've got life. I'm not gonna be in the hospital because they said it's at least seven days, like seven to ten days. And I said, what can I do to have a bowel movement? They told me I did it in five days. I took the biggest dump. And I'm like done. Get me out of here. I am over this. Yeah. And I went home and I had to I went back to school and I remember I was blow drying my hair and I was so shaky and so weak and I'm like, what is this? I don't understand why I'm so shaky and so weak, why I'm sweating and I can barely catch my breath doing my hair. What's happening? Because nobody told me that when you you know have a major organ removed from your body that you need to heal and maybe take it easy. Yeah, no it but they did tell me that my portion of the surgery was gonna be very, very painful. So I think I prepared mentally like prep for the worst pain of your life and I thought this is gonna hurt and just deal with it. And so I think that's why for me it was not I don't remember pain at all. And I in fact I told them like I need to get off the morphine. I hate it. I don't like how it's making me feel I didn't like how the morphine was making me feel and so I told them, ⁓ just give me Tylenol. And I remember the nurse saying, Are you sure? I'm like, Yes. And I remember our mom pushing the morphine button. So because I didn't want to push, I'm like, No, I don't like it. It doesn't help me. And she's like, ⁓ it will and she pushed it for me. I'm like, But I don't like it. ⁓ no. ⁓ my goodness. that's crazy. And that is crazy, like after surgery. Yes, you shake. You sweat, you're weak. And I I knew that, but again I have to credit myself to being fourteen. Like But still I think yeah, you don't realize or we didn't realize what was gonna happen. We just you're gonna donate it, okay? You're gonna do it factual, minimize, done and over, boom boom. Mm-hmm. Let's go home, pack it up, we're outta here. I don't even remember the drive home. I d don't I would not be surprised if I drove myself home, like the two and a half or three hours, however long the drive was from Salt Lake to our hometown. I don't remember that. I just think like go home, get it done, move on, quick. Such a trauma response. So what was the determining Yes. Yes it is. What was the determining factor for me to get out? 'Cause I also got out in five days. Yeah, I think you had a bowel movement I don't for some reason I just remember it was important for me to have the bowel movement. I don't remember if they said y that you also needed to or maybe you already had. I maybe for you it was that you had to go pee. I don't know. Mm-hmm I know typically with any surgery you have to have a bowel movement. Mm-hmm. But I don't remember I don't remember what that looked like for me. Maybe it was also going to the bathroom. Either it was my back surgery or kidney transplant that I had the hardest time pooping because I remember back surgery. It was back surgery. Okay. That I could not go and it I think I weighed myself before 'cause I thought I feel oddly heavy. And I think after I finally did poop, I lost like eight pounds or something ridiculous. Ridiculous. So yes, that makes sense. I don't know how I would have pooped so quickly after the kidney. Maybe it was peeing. I don't know. But that's crazy. Five days. That's insane. Especially for back in nineteen ninety-eight. Five days is a long time. Now I don't think it's that crazy and the surgery itself does not look the same. Like the scars that people have are much smaller, you know, it's science has come a long way. But yeah, just to put perspective for people, nineteen ninety-eight was things were different. Yes. Mm-hmm. Yeah. That's so crazy. Yeah. ⁓ huge story, I think really, that shaped your life, shaped our lives. And it was like before BB got sick and after BB got sick. And then even still now, like I think I think I've processed it. We've talked about it so much that I feel like I'm I'm processing it maybe even now, like, yeah, that was really scary or nobody told us what was going on. You know, all these things I think one of our sisters even said that. Why didn't anybody tell me? Right. Yes. Just so lost and just like, okay, now what? Now what? Now what? Which I think part of me thinks like that has helped me in some way to accept things as they come. But at the same time it's also helped me to know that I can ask questions. And if I don't get the answers, I can ask somebody else. And then I can ask somebody else. And I can ask multiple times. So I think it's I think I've taken something good from it, but it could have and should have been done differently. We should have been informed. You've learned to hold things lightly and be flexible, not so rigid, and at the same time not so passive, where it's like, sure, whatever, I guess this is this is what we're doing. Like it actually did the opposite. It did empower you to know I can ask questions, I don't have to take this answer, I can go to somebody else. There's different ways to do it. Absolutely. Yep. Absolutely. And I love how going back to ⁓ Chrissy How she talks about empowering her children. And I think that's so cool. In situations like this, like I can I think of my niece. She would ask all the questions in a hospital. She's eight. She'd be like, Why are you doing this? How come you're doing that? What is that? And to me I think, yes, that is awesome. Ask the questions. Ask if they know what they're doing or, you know, anything where I would be like, And if something hurt, I wouldn't say ow that hurts. I would just sit there and not say a word. And now I think, ⁓ my goodness, wha I can't believe I did that. And now I can sit and not react to pain. Wow, that's not good. Mm-hmm. You internalized it and this is where your rich inner world came into play. Mm-hmm. ⁓ totally. Totally. Yep. And like you were saying, I think I've processed it too. But I think I will continuously be processing it because I think so much unprocessed trauma for so long has probably built into other things that now I kind of need to I don't know, like how we talk about trauma being like a ball of yarn. Mm-hmm. And I think there it is. I need to, you know, let that un unwind it or what would you call it? I don't know. But detangle. Even talking to one of our nephews last night. Yeah. ⁓ yeah, exactly. I don't know what the right word would be. But even talking with one of our nephews, I think last night. I told him something about my medical trauma because we were talking about the podcast. And it was one day, like very short time frame back then. But all the information I gave him, I said, Wow, that was like one night of my life out of three years. And that's how much I'm processing in four hours. You know what I mean? Like there's so much more there that will still come to mind and I'll be like, ⁓ my goodness, that happened or wow, that was so much time that took up of my life that I am still barely remembering. Yeah. That's it's a lot. And it was years. Yeah. ⁓ yeah. Getting healthy. Not just the three, you know, from eleven to fourteen from kinda that's how I would categorize it for a long time is BB got sick at eleven, baby got her kidney at fourteen, and then things got better. But then you went through still other stuff, other medical stuff with your back surgery with scoliosis and then being diagnosed with POTS and then being misdiagnosed with vascular LR down those. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And then possibility of lupus, like all the possibilities, a lot of like maybe, probably okay. Not not a lot of answers. Just a lot of questions and yeah, what came from this? How did this happen? I have no idea. I no idea with medical problems. Yes. We're just guinea pigs. Yes. Exactly. Yeah, pretty much. Mm-hmm. ⁓ my goodness. So I think this episode is wrapping up our first season. Can you believe it? No, that's crazy. How many episodes did we do? on this topic. I think we've done specifically on that topic, gosh, maybe six, I'm not sure because I know that we talked about like intergenerational trauma and window of tolerance so not necessarily medical stuff, but still relating to our family. So I don't know. Yeah, it is crazy. I can't believe it. That's awesome. I think it I feel good like closure. Like that's we've wrapped it up and it's Ready to be on to the next. Mm. You're ready to tie a bow on it. Yes. Exactly. Yeah. So if any of our listeners like if this resonates with anybody, I know that people go through medical stuff all the time. For example, we had Chrissy on our show and she told us about her medical trauma and how she was told, ⁓ well, we don't know what's wrong, but here we are. So I think it's way more common than what I realized and we lived it. So yeah, hopefully that this resonates with people and they can connect it. and ask us questions if they want us to answer or talk more about anything that we've shared so far. Absolutely. Yes, I love that. I would love to if anyone has questions for me personally too, I'm happy to answer as much as I can remember. Awesome. Like and subscribe. Yes, thank you.