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P*rn addiction and what it is doing to your relationship - when to stay and when to leave · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:15
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the podcast episode of Today. Now,
0:19
Speaker 1: this episode is going to be slightly different as far
0:23
Speaker 1: as like the order of the episodes that I'm releasing,
0:25
Speaker 1: because sometimes I just get this wave of inspiration to
0:28
Speaker 1: do a particular episode on a topic based on a
0:30
Speaker 1: listener question. And that's what actually happened this time. I
0:33
Speaker 1: was going through the listener questions that I could put
0:36
Speaker 1: at the end of the episode that I actually do
0:37
Speaker 1: have planned, which I will release end of the week
0:40
Speaker 1: or maybe next Monday, depending on whatever. And I came
0:43
Speaker 1: across this particular listener question and I thought, that's an episode.
0:47
Speaker 1: That's an episode that I want to talk about, and
0:48
Speaker 1: I think it's something that I really just kind of
0:51
Speaker 1: want to delve into and speak about it in depth,
0:56
Speaker 1: not just brushing over it as the answer to a
0:59
Speaker 1: listener question, where then I'm going into all these different
1:01
Speaker 1: topics in the one episode, which I love to do,
1:04
Speaker 1: but I can really delve deep into it because it
1:06
Speaker 1: is something that I have been asked about in my dms.
1:09
Speaker 1: I've had emails about this kind of brushing brushing over
1:13
Speaker 1: this topic so many times. But the way this listener
1:17
Speaker 1: questions email was written I think the way she's explained
1:21
Speaker 1: her story is so so great. Like I mean, it's
1:27
Speaker 1: not great what she's going through, but the way she's
1:28
Speaker 1: explained it is so great. And I think there's many, many,
1:31
Speaker 1: many people in a similar position as this listener. So
1:34
Speaker 1: I thought, let's do a whole episode on it. And
1:35
Speaker 1: you've already read the title of the episode, so you
1:37
Speaker 1: know what it's roughly going to be about. But what
1:40
Speaker 1: I'm going to do is i will start with the
1:41
Speaker 1: listener question, and then I'm going to go into you know,
1:45
Speaker 1: what happens with porn addiction, what's going on in the brain.
1:49
Speaker 1: I'm going to talk about, you know, what does recovery
1:52
Speaker 1: look like? How likely is recovery. I'm going to be
1:54
Speaker 1: specifically answering this listener's questions, but also talking about it
1:58
Speaker 1: from a broader perspective. Realistically, what will it look like
2:02
Speaker 1: for you if your partner has a porn addiction and
2:05
Speaker 1: what you actually like, what can you do about it?
2:07
Speaker 1: And if you yourself have a porn addiction. This episode
2:11
Speaker 1: isn't necessarily going to give you steps on what to
2:14
Speaker 1: do to recover, but it's going to give you a
2:16
Speaker 1: massive insight into what your partner is going through and
2:19
Speaker 1: it's going to maybe help you communicate better with your
2:23
Speaker 1: partner about this if you are in a relationship and
2:25
Speaker 1: have a porn addiction. Okay, let's get straight into the
2:29
Speaker 1: listener question. Hi Alexis. First of all, I love and
2:32
Speaker 1: appreciate your podcast. You're truly helping us all out. I'm
2:36
Speaker 1: going to try and keep this short as I lie
2:38
Speaker 1: here at two thirty six am absolutely gutted and physically
2:41
Speaker 1: ill from my current situation. My husband, thirty one and
2:45
Speaker 1: I thirty one, have been together for six years. He
2:48
Speaker 1: is very aware of my morals, boundaries, and feelings about
2:51
Speaker 1: pornography and strip clubs. He has lied to me numerous
2:55
Speaker 1: times in the past about his porn addiction. Before we
2:57
Speaker 1: got married, I made it abundantly clear that I will
3:00
Speaker 1: not tolerate such behavior in my marriage. He swore up
3:03
Speaker 1: and down he had quit that bad habit that was
3:06
Speaker 1: before they got married. Okay, we're compatible for the most
3:10
Speaker 1: part and don't argue over much except this exact issue.
3:14
Speaker 1: A few months after we got married, he was showing
3:17
Speaker 1: me a video on his phone. He went to clear
3:19
Speaker 1: his open tabs so it would load faster, and there
3:22
Speaker 1: it was Plainer's day Pawn. He convinced me it was
3:25
Speaker 1: an addiction he absolutely cannot stop, but that he's doing
3:28
Speaker 1: everything he can to try his best to quit. Just
3:32
Speaker 1: a couple of months ago, I asked him if he
3:33
Speaker 1: was still struggling with the addiction. He claimed he had
3:36
Speaker 1: quit completely and hadn't watched anything since the last time
3:39
Speaker 1: we spoke. The motherfucker he watches me set up a
3:43
Speaker 1: doggy camera to keep an eye on the puppies while
3:45
Speaker 1: we're on vacation. Fifteen minutes after I leave the house
3:48
Speaker 1: to take the dogs on a walk, my doggie cam
3:50
Speaker 1: notification goes off, and what's on my screen This dumbass
3:53
Speaker 1: watching Pawn on his phone with his hands down his pants.
3:55
Speaker 1: I was gone fifteen minutes. I've explained over and over
3:59
Speaker 1: that it makes me feel disrespected. It's also the lying
4:02
Speaker 1: that's absolutely destroyed my trust in him. He has been
4:05
Speaker 1: lying for years. I've taken the approach of being supportive
4:08
Speaker 1: and understanding while he deals with his addiction. He promises
4:11
Speaker 1: to seek professional help, and he hasn't. He said he's
4:14
Speaker 1: asked his brother to be his accountability partner, and as
4:17
Speaker 1: far as I know, they've only talked once. This past weekend.
4:20
Speaker 1: He went on a bachelor party in Florida. I asked
4:23
Speaker 1: him if he'd kindly respect our marriage and stay out
4:26
Speaker 1: of the strip clubs. I told him it made me
4:28
Speaker 1: feel disrespected and hurt. He got home and said he'd
4:31
Speaker 1: had a rough weekend. He was too drunk or hung
4:34
Speaker 1: over the entire time. I let a couple of days
4:36
Speaker 1: go by, and then I asked him if he went
4:38
Speaker 1: to any strip clubs and he said no. Tonight he
4:41
Speaker 1: told me that he had lied. He was at the
4:43
Speaker 1: strip club. He said he was quote throwing ones but
4:46
Speaker 1: not getting dancers. He mentioned a stripper tried engaging with him,
4:50
Speaker 1: but she only spoke Spanish. She tried translating on her
4:53
Speaker 1: phone so they could talk. I just feel sick. He's
4:56
Speaker 1: chatting with a naked girl close enough to translate on
4:59
Speaker 1: her phone, throw ones and doing god knows what I feel,
5:03
Speaker 1: slapped in the face, punched in the gut, and then
5:05
Speaker 1: run over by a truck. Yes, of course, I'm grateful
5:08
Speaker 1: that he came clean, but he did life for two days.
5:10
Speaker 1: I don't want to be a nag. I don't want
5:12
Speaker 1: to be controlling. I don't want to keep him from
5:14
Speaker 1: doing things with his friends. I just have a very
5:16
Speaker 1: hard line because the pain it causes me is so severe.
5:19
Speaker 1: It's not an insecurity, it's the disrespect. I'm going to
5:22
Speaker 1: circle back to that paragraph right there. I don't think
5:27
Speaker 1: my standards are unattainable. I'm not trying to control him
5:29
Speaker 1: or keep him from having friends or enjoying his life.
5:31
Speaker 1: I just one honesty, respect, and a partner who takes
5:34
Speaker 1: my pain seriously instead of repeatedly doing the exact thing
5:37
Speaker 1: he knows devastates me. I feel like he always puts
5:40
Speaker 1: himself first. At this point, I genuinely don't know how
5:43
Speaker 1: to rebuild trust when the lives have become such a pattern.
5:46
Speaker 1: I ask myself, like you say, if things stay the
5:49
Speaker 1: same way forever, would I be happy he brings me
5:51
Speaker 1: financial stability and a partnership. I'd be giving up so
5:54
Speaker 1: much if I left. But these types of knights feel
5:56
Speaker 1: like they are killing me. I feel like I can't
5:59
Speaker 1: even put this into I can't seem to find a
6:01
Speaker 1: way to explain how betrayed I'm feeling. On the other hand,
6:04
Speaker 1: I'm not trying to control this man. He knew how
6:07
Speaker 1: it would make me feel if he went and he
6:09
Speaker 1: chose to go. He didn't have the spine to go
6:12
Speaker 1: to another bar or back to the house while the
6:14
Speaker 1: others went. I don't want to put him in that
6:16
Speaker 1: position either, but I know any of but I know
6:19
Speaker 1: any of those men would have respected his decision. I'm
6:22
Speaker 1: becoming unattracted to him because of his weak behavior. And
6:27
Speaker 1: then you say sorry for such a long email, but
6:29
Speaker 1: I don't think it's such a long email. And that's
6:30
Speaker 1: the end of the question. So there is so much
6:34
Speaker 1: to talk about in this one question. But before I
6:37
Speaker 1: even delve into the side of the porn addictions and
6:40
Speaker 1: where your options lie and what are the different avenues
6:43
Speaker 1: that you could take, one thing I really want to
6:46
Speaker 1: touch on, and I think this is quite rampant in
6:49
Speaker 1: so many relationships, and I think it's another want to
6:52
Speaker 1: even say it's common in you know, you know, older relationships,
6:56
Speaker 1: have not so much in this because I don't want
6:58
Speaker 1: to paint a brush based on the amount of the
7:01
Speaker 1: kind of people that I personally am surrounded with, because
7:03
Speaker 1: I see not so much of it in my circles.
7:07
Speaker 1: But I also think it might just be based on
7:08
Speaker 1: your social circles. Because whatever, anyway, what I'm going to
7:11
Speaker 1: talk about is when you're saying that you don't want
7:16
Speaker 1: to be a nag, you don't want to be controlling him.
7:19
Speaker 1: You also said that you know, you know you want
7:24
Speaker 1: to you just want honesty, respect, and you know you're
7:26
Speaker 1: not trying. You don't want to keep him from having
7:29
Speaker 1: friends or enjoying his life. The fact that you're feeling
7:33
Speaker 1: like you are being a nag and that it could
7:36
Speaker 1: be coming across as a nag, and that he might
7:39
Speaker 1: be interpreting that as being a nag is so fucked up.
7:44
Speaker 1: And this is where the problem lies in so many relationships.
7:47
Speaker 1: This is gas lighting one oh one, Okay, when and
7:51
Speaker 1: I'm just going to talk about genders here and fuck it.
7:53
Speaker 1: You can switch the genders or whatever in your own head,
7:55
Speaker 1: but I'm just saying this because unfortunately, this is the devult.
7:57
Speaker 1: So I'm just going to fucking use when a man
7:59
Speaker 1: and a woman whatever, but you get what I mean,
8:01
Speaker 1: and don't at me. But men fucking go on their
8:05
Speaker 1: fucking high horse, disrespect the fuck out of the woman.
8:08
Speaker 1: They go to strew or it's a blogspoon or whatever.
8:10
Speaker 1: They're trying quote unquote normalize this really unhealthy behavior in
8:13
Speaker 1: a relationship, extremely unhealthy behavior, and I'm going to elaborate
8:17
Speaker 1: on that in a second. And then when you voice
8:21
Speaker 1: how it hurts you and how you wouldn't do the
8:25
Speaker 1: same in return, and how it's a very different dynamic,
8:27
Speaker 1: and what they're doing is not only disrespectful to the relationship,
8:30
Speaker 1: probably disrespectful in other ways as well, to you, to
8:35
Speaker 1: the relationship, to maybe the stripper as well, or just
8:39
Speaker 1: in general. And then somehow you are made to feel
8:43
Speaker 1: that by just requesting this basic need, like the bare
8:46
Speaker 1: minimum in a relationship, that you're nagging, it is insane.
8:50
Speaker 1: Like the fact that so many men have been able
8:54
Speaker 1: to set it up that way is mind blowing. Okay,
8:58
Speaker 1: So I was listen. I was watching like a clip
9:01
Speaker 1: of these of a podcaster, like these two podcasters, they're Australian,
9:04
Speaker 1: and they had this someone writing about like a you know,
9:09
Speaker 1: that's about her partner going to a strip club and
9:11
Speaker 1: she felt really upset about it, and they were talking
9:14
Speaker 1: about the advice and like is it okay? Is it
9:16
Speaker 1: not okay? This and that? And I was reading the
9:17
Speaker 1: comments and most of the comments are pretty much in agreeance,
9:19
Speaker 1: So like we need to stop making this behavior okay.
9:23
Speaker 1: It's very different if you and your partner have your
9:26
Speaker 1: own set of rules and you say to your partner,
9:28
Speaker 1: you know what, God at strip clubs, I couldn't care
9:31
Speaker 1: less do what you need to do, like if you
9:32
Speaker 1: have your own set of rules whatever. But in general,
9:38
Speaker 1: I don't think it's normal when you were in a healthy,
9:41
Speaker 1: committed relationship to you to go off and be buying
9:44
Speaker 1: lap dancers and this and that. And I also think
9:47
Speaker 1: it's just a weird vibe that so many men think
9:51
Speaker 1: it's like oh for or like swinging their dicks around
9:54
Speaker 1: and thinking it's cool to like watch like you're paying.
9:57
Speaker 1: Can't you are paying someone to fuck and take their
10:01
Speaker 1: clothes off and you just sit there and watch them, like,
10:03
Speaker 1: get a grip on reality for Fox's sake. So no,
10:07
Speaker 1: you're not being anag Okay, this is the bare minimum.
10:09
Speaker 1: We're trying to raise the standard. And when you surround
10:13
Speaker 1: yourself with normal men with decent self esteem who know
10:20
Speaker 1: how to have healthy relationships, it is the most eye
10:22
Speaker 1: opening experience when you've been surrounded by the other version
10:26
Speaker 1: of men who think that strip clubs are cool and
10:29
Speaker 1: and it's just what you do when you and then
10:30
Speaker 1: you surround yourself with these like actual men, and you think,
10:33
Speaker 1: oh my god, I can't believe that that I looked
10:35
Speaker 1: at that behavior and thought that just by requesting my
10:37
Speaker 1: needs was nagging sense. Let's talk about the porn addiction
10:47
Speaker 1: in relationships, and I'm going to be dipping in and
10:49
Speaker 1: out of the advice to this listener, but also overall
10:51
Speaker 1: general advice. So firstly, porn addiction is an addiction. You
10:58
Speaker 1: want to always remind yourself of that. An addiction is
11:03
Speaker 1: going to negatively impact the addicts life and the addicts relationships.
11:08
Speaker 1: An actual addiction is something that is very difficult, if
11:13
Speaker 1: at all possible, to control. In that moment, your impulses
11:16
Speaker 1: take over. What's going on in your brain is very
11:19
Speaker 1: different to just like, oh, I just really want to
11:21
Speaker 1: do that thing. So when you have this addiction, it
11:25
Speaker 1: makes you do things that put that addiction above everything else,
11:29
Speaker 1: even when you know it is going to negatively affect
11:32
Speaker 1: your life. Alcoholics, drug addicts, people with gambling addictions, and
11:37
Speaker 1: porn addictions, and then of course there's a whole other
11:40
Speaker 1: range of addictions as well that I could include in that.
11:42
Speaker 1: But you can see these people know. An alcoholic knows
11:45
Speaker 1: that if they pick up that bottle tonight. It's not
11:47
Speaker 1: going to help their life. They know that it could
11:49
Speaker 1: be further damaging their relationship, that it could be further
11:52
Speaker 1: damaging their health, that it could be further damaging what
11:55
Speaker 1: happens if they rock up to work the next day,
11:57
Speaker 1: but they still do it, same as a drug. They
11:59
Speaker 1: under stand, but they still go ahead and do it
12:02
Speaker 1: because an addiction is gone beyond the point of whatever
12:08
Speaker 1: of it just being like, oh, I want to do this.
12:09
Speaker 1: So number one, an addict has to really acknowledge what
12:13
Speaker 1: an addiction is and how badly it is negatively impacting
12:16
Speaker 1: their life. But a porn addiction specifically, really damages their relation,
12:21
Speaker 1: their romantic relationship more so than other relationships in their
12:25
Speaker 1: life obviously for many reasons. Number one because they have
12:28
Speaker 1: an addiction and that's a problem in and of itself,
12:31
Speaker 1: but number two, because it's going to negatively impact their
12:35
Speaker 1: intimacy with their partner and the trust. So an addiction
12:41
Speaker 1: is just that that addiction comes before anything else in
12:44
Speaker 1: their life. Like you said, he only thinks of himself,
12:47
Speaker 1: like you feel that he always puts himself first, And
12:49
Speaker 1: that seems like the case in so many different addicts,
12:53
Speaker 1: but especially in a porn addiction. What I think is
12:55
Speaker 1: frustrating with this listener's situation is that he's not really
12:59
Speaker 1: taking the fact that it's an addiction seriously. Okay, he
13:03
Speaker 1: says that he's spoken to his brother to be an
13:04
Speaker 1: accountability and they've only spoken once. That's bullshit, Like, I'm
13:07
Speaker 1: not saying that he hasn't spoken to his brother, but
13:09
Speaker 1: the fact that he's actually deeming that as a good enough,
13:13
Speaker 1: you know, sign that he's doing something about it is crazy.
13:17
Speaker 1: The fact that he's lying to you about it constantly
13:20
Speaker 1: is showing you that he either is so ashamed of
13:23
Speaker 1: his behavior or that he doesn't take it as seriously.
13:28
Speaker 1: He's probably thinking, well, yes, it's an addiction, but my
13:31
Speaker 1: life hasn't gone off the rails, so you know, I'm
13:34
Speaker 1: a functioning addict. A lot of people have this delusion
13:38
Speaker 1: when their addicts, and they think, well, because I still
13:41
Speaker 1: have a relatively normal life, you know, externally, when people
13:44
Speaker 1: look in, my life looks very normal. So therefore I'm
13:47
Speaker 1: a functioning addict and it's not really affecting my life,
13:49
Speaker 1: so I don't really have to do anything about it.
13:51
Speaker 1: But then, of course the wheels fall off, and then
13:53
Speaker 1: it just goes absolutely, you know, worse and worse and
13:56
Speaker 1: worse and worse, and then it is really hard to
13:58
Speaker 1: turn their life around at that point. Anyway, then, of
14:01
Speaker 1: course it's going to really negatively impact the sex life
14:04
Speaker 1: of the couple massively, because when someone has a porn addiction,
14:07
Speaker 1: they have a distorted reality and it comes from a
14:09
Speaker 1: very unhealthy relationship towards sex. And if the addict to
14:14
Speaker 1: porn addict finds it really really difficult to create meaningful connections,
14:17
Speaker 1: this temporary relief they're getting when they're watching porn is
14:20
Speaker 1: going to be extremely damaging. It's going to negatively impact
14:24
Speaker 1: their self esteem. It's going to make them feel more
14:27
Speaker 1: empty inside instead of seeking things that make them feel
14:29
Speaker 1: more fulfilled and connected. There is quite a big link
14:34
Speaker 1: between engaging in content that. Now, mind you, I don't
14:37
Speaker 1: know what kind of porn he's watching. I understand that
14:40
Speaker 1: there's certain kinds of porn that are way quote unquote softer,
14:44
Speaker 1: that are very much about consent and both people. I
14:49
Speaker 1: understand that, But there's many kinds of porn. Especially in
14:52
Speaker 1: porn addiction, it's quite common to get into more and
14:55
Speaker 1: more intense or violent styles of porn. But I'm not
14:58
Speaker 1: saying this is exactly what the listeners husband is doing,
15:01
Speaker 1: but engaging in content that promotes sexism, of violence, or
15:06
Speaker 1: lack of consent or blurred lines around consent. And when
15:09
Speaker 1: I talk about blurred lines, quite unquite blurred lines. If
15:12
Speaker 1: the lines are blurred, then it is a lack of consent,
15:14
Speaker 1: is what I'm actually trying to say. But this is
15:17
Speaker 1: best on what, like a lot of the literature has said,
15:19
Speaker 1: is linked to lower levels of self esteem. So people
15:24
Speaker 1: engaging in this content are going to feel worse and
15:26
Speaker 1: worse and worse about themselves. And when they feel shit
15:28
Speaker 1: about themselves, they want to seek something that's going to
15:30
Speaker 1: be a document spike, and they do more of that,
15:32
Speaker 1: engaging in content. Then they feel worse, and then more
15:34
Speaker 1: and then worse, and it's a cycle that negatively feeds itself. Obviously,
15:38
Speaker 1: it erodes trust in a lot of areas within the relationship,
15:42
Speaker 1: and it kills this emotional intimacy because sex becomes so
15:47
Speaker 1: heavily around the act of sex instead of the intimacy
15:52
Speaker 1: within a relationship, with sex only being one part of
15:55
Speaker 1: the intimacy in a relationship. So it's really hard for
15:58
Speaker 1: them to feel intimate and not it be then sex
16:03
Speaker 1: or intimate and then open up and be vulnerable. So
16:07
Speaker 1: it's just it really is killing this emotional intimacy, and
16:09
Speaker 1: then it's going to be harder and harder and harder
16:11
Speaker 1: for them to have intimate sex. For many porn addicts,
16:15
Speaker 1: they actually have a terrible sex life with their partners
16:18
Speaker 1: because their partners feel like cheated on basically, and so
16:24
Speaker 1: the partners really struggle to come to the table and
16:26
Speaker 1: then they feel like, well, this is too hard, baskets,
16:28
Speaker 1: so I'll just have a bat and watch porn, okay.
16:32
Speaker 1: And they also a lot of people that have a
16:36
Speaker 1: porn addiction feel like they have full control when they're
16:38
Speaker 1: watching porn. They get to engage in exactly the content
16:40
Speaker 1: that they want to engage in. They get to watch whatever,
16:42
Speaker 1: they can continue to fantasize about whatever on their own time,
16:45
Speaker 1: in their own way, in whatever. So they start to
16:47
Speaker 1: feel like this is a full sense of control watching porn,
16:51
Speaker 1: that it's more exciting for them than the actual act
16:53
Speaker 1: of having sex with their partner. Now, mind you, a
16:55
Speaker 1: porn addiction is different to a sex addiction. As such,
16:58
Speaker 1: they are different in behavior slightly, well, not even slightly,
17:02
Speaker 1: they're just different. Now, can someone recover, Yes, of course
17:07
Speaker 1: they can recover. Any addict can recover, but the rates
17:11
Speaker 1: of recovery are so broad. If you try to look
17:14
Speaker 1: up what are the rates of recovery for a porn addiction,
17:17
Speaker 1: it is between five percent and eighty five percent, which
17:21
Speaker 1: is a huge range, and it is really hard to
17:24
Speaker 1: pin down one particular article that is able to give
17:28
Speaker 1: you a much tighter range of recovery. And the reason
17:31
Speaker 1: for that is it is dependent on what kind of
17:34
Speaker 1: therapies you are seeking for recovery. So if you are
17:38
Speaker 1: someone that's not really seeking out legitimate therapies, it's going
17:42
Speaker 1: to be very low, very fucking low. That's with any addiction,
17:46
Speaker 1: but we're talking about porn addiction. If you are then
17:49
Speaker 1: looking at someone who is extremely open and vulnerable, genuinely
17:54
Speaker 1: wanting to change, they've gotten to a point in their
17:56
Speaker 1: life where they hate it. They hate this negative effect
18:01
Speaker 1: that it's having on their life. And it's not just
18:03
Speaker 1: about the shame, and they might feel shame, but they
18:05
Speaker 1: just they look at where they want their life to
18:07
Speaker 1: go and they're like, I've reached my point. I've reached
18:10
Speaker 1: my point of saturation, and I can't. I cannot do
18:13
Speaker 1: this to myself and my life and my relationship and
18:15
Speaker 1: my partner. I can't do this anymore. They're just like,
18:18
Speaker 1: I'll do anything to change. Therapy. Are you going to therapy?
18:22
Speaker 1: You're going to specific therapy with a therapist who can
18:25
Speaker 1: actually help around porn addiction, not just some random No. No,
18:30
Speaker 1: someone who actually is well versed in this. Are they
18:35
Speaker 1: doing all the things, the cognitive behavior therapy, the behavioral therapy.
18:39
Speaker 1: Are they deleting absolutely everything? Are they abstaining from going
18:42
Speaker 1: to strip clubs? Or you know, if someone's a legitimate
18:44
Speaker 1: addict and is serious about changing, they wouldn't have they
18:47
Speaker 1: wouldn't have even like rocked up to that strip club.
18:50
Speaker 1: They would have had to leave, or they would have
18:51
Speaker 1: had to, you know, talk to their friends about it,
18:54
Speaker 1: or even if it was extreme, not even go to
18:58
Speaker 1: the bucks. Okay, about someone who's really serious about like
19:02
Speaker 1: change and he has to put everything in place so
19:03
Speaker 1: there's no temptations in the early stages. Another thing is
19:07
Speaker 1: that it takes quite a long time for an addict
19:13
Speaker 1: to recover and to feel like they've recovered. It's not
19:15
Speaker 1: just a couple of months. It's not just I'm not
19:17
Speaker 1: talking about it so it's all good. It can take years,
19:21
Speaker 1: right like years, And it's not just abstaining an addict.
19:25
Speaker 1: Recovering is not like greeting their teeth moving through it.
19:29
Speaker 1: That's not recovery. That's you abstaining for something. Really recovery
19:32
Speaker 1: is part of that, and then it's part of, you know,
19:35
Speaker 1: going through the mental side of things, the psychological side
19:37
Speaker 1: as to why they're going into this addiction in the
19:41
Speaker 1: first place, and why they keep going back, and where
19:44
Speaker 1: are kind of the areas in their life that they feel,
19:48
Speaker 1: you know, avoid or lacking, and then they can fill
19:50
Speaker 1: their cup up in other areas and start to create
19:54
Speaker 1: more of a balance again when they start to improve
19:56
Speaker 1: their self esteem. When someone becomes truly truly connected, when
20:00
Speaker 1: they feel a sense of you know, that their life
20:02
Speaker 1: has purpose again, when they're finding joy in other things.
20:04
Speaker 1: When they start enjoying whether it's hobbies or a career
20:07
Speaker 1: or connection with friends and doing other things, they are
20:10
Speaker 1: less likely to lean into their addictions. A truly fulfilled
20:14
Speaker 1: person with good, healthy self esteem is way less likely
20:17
Speaker 1: to lean into any kind of addiction, but especially a
20:21
Speaker 1: porn addiction. So it is this huge, overall encompassing thing
20:27
Speaker 1: that someone has to look at when they're trying to
20:28
Speaker 1: overcome a porn addiction. It's not just like, oh, diluted
20:30
Speaker 1: the up off my phone. No. No, So if you're
20:33
Speaker 1: not willing to really lean the fucking and surrender and
20:36
Speaker 1: be so open and honest with your partner about absolutely
20:39
Speaker 1: everything and start going to therapy. And I know people
20:42
Speaker 1: might say, oh, but it costs money, it costs this, No,
20:44
Speaker 1: I'm sorry. This is a fucking priority, you know, like,
20:46
Speaker 1: cut down on every other thing for now, and your
20:50
Speaker 1: priority is therapy because without therapy, there goes your marriage,
20:54
Speaker 1: There goes you know, your assets, which you're going to
20:56
Speaker 1: have to divide if you get divorced, there goes you know,
20:59
Speaker 1: so much other all your relationships. Nothing is more important
21:03
Speaker 1: than your mental health. And I'll say that again and
21:05
Speaker 1: again and again nothing because without that, everything starts to
21:08
Speaker 1: fall apart in your life. So this comes number one.
21:11
Speaker 1: So if you're an addict, number one, your recovery. That
21:15
Speaker 1: is the most important thing in your life. And then
21:17
Speaker 1: of course you're able to then put the most important
21:19
Speaker 1: people in your life first. Now, so can he recover, yes,
21:26
Speaker 1: but of course, the most important thing is do you
21:29
Speaker 1: see that he would actually recover. Because one thing that
21:34
Speaker 1: I want anyone who's with an addict to know is
21:38
Speaker 1: that it is okay for you to leave that addict.
21:42
Speaker 1: It is okay you the addiction doesn't have to ruin
21:47
Speaker 1: two people's lives. And I understand it's really hard for
21:51
Speaker 1: sam addicts, and they're really good people and you can
21:55
Speaker 1: say everything you want about them, and sometimes sad things
21:58
Speaker 1: just happen, but it's sad that it's already really negatively
22:03
Speaker 1: impacting one person's life. It doesn't have to horribly impact two.
22:07
Speaker 1: There are many people out there that stay with an
22:09
Speaker 1: addict because they feel so guilty to leave, but they
22:13
Speaker 1: don't want to be there and it's destroying their life too,
22:16
Speaker 1: and they're thinking, I don't have the addiction, but I'm
22:19
Speaker 1: with an addict and I just can't do this anymore.
22:21
Speaker 1: But like I'm going to feel so guilty, and then
22:23
Speaker 1: other people are going to think that I just about
22:25
Speaker 1: you can leave and it is okay. And I just
22:30
Speaker 1: feel like people need to hear that more and more
22:32
Speaker 1: and more. It is not your battle to fight if
22:36
Speaker 1: you want to fight it with them, and they are
22:38
Speaker 1: on board for the journey and you can do this together,
22:41
Speaker 1: that's beautiful. But if you're with someone who's an addict,
22:44
Speaker 1: who isn't willing to fight it, or can't or doesn't
22:49
Speaker 1: see that it's a big enough problem to take it
22:51
Speaker 1: so seriously, or is trying but it isn't working it
22:54
Speaker 1: in any of those versions, I'm telling you it is
22:58
Speaker 1: okay for you to walk away. You know. I just
23:01
Speaker 1: find it like, there's so many people that write into
23:04
Speaker 1: me about this and it absolutely breaks my heart that
23:07
Speaker 1: they've done everything they can and they are just silently
23:10
Speaker 1: just being destroyed because they're with someone with an addiction
23:14
Speaker 1: and they're completely powerless. And it's like, well, if they
23:17
Speaker 1: choose to go down the recovery path, then my life
23:20
Speaker 1: will go this way. But if they don't, then you
23:21
Speaker 1: got no okay, So just know that I want you
23:24
Speaker 1: to know that. Now, let's talk about this particular listener question,
23:31
Speaker 1: this particular guy. This man is lying to you. He's
23:36
Speaker 1: disrespecting you, he is gaslighting you, he's putting himself and
23:40
Speaker 1: his addiction before you. Based on how much he is
23:44
Speaker 1: lying to you, he does not see it the way
23:49
Speaker 1: you see it. He at least consciously, maybe deep down
23:54
Speaker 1: he knows, but he is massively in denial. At the
23:58
Speaker 1: very least, he is not willing to fully admit that
24:01
Speaker 1: this is a major problem and it will destroy the
24:05
Speaker 1: marriage for sure, if not already, if he hasn't already.
24:10
Speaker 1: So the fact that he's still lying, the fact that
24:14
Speaker 1: he said that it was absolutely over, and then the
24:17
Speaker 1: moment you leave the house, bang the lies. Because when
24:21
Speaker 1: you can't trust your partner, what do you have? And
24:25
Speaker 1: this is not like oh I just I don't like
24:27
Speaker 1: you know for a fact, you know it. And when
24:31
Speaker 1: you've got a partner who's an adict, I know why.
24:33
Speaker 1: I always say, oh, you don't check the phones, do this,
24:35
Speaker 1: don't that? But I get why you're doing that because
24:36
Speaker 1: you don't trust him. So your instances were right because
24:39
Speaker 1: you're like, I just know he's lying. I know he's
24:41
Speaker 1: an addict and addicts lie. You know what for him?
24:47
Speaker 1: How bad would it have to get for him to
24:49
Speaker 1: turn to therapy or for him to take it seriously?
24:52
Speaker 1: Some people just think, well, you know, this is just
24:55
Speaker 1: my life now, and this is what it is. And
24:57
Speaker 1: if they're going to just succumb to that being their life,
24:59
Speaker 1: that's one thing, but you don't have to succumb to
25:01
Speaker 1: it being your life. So I just feel that it's
25:06
Speaker 1: another thing I want to say. It's not normal for
25:10
Speaker 1: guys to go to a strip club when they're in
25:12
Speaker 1: a relationship and just pay strippers or pay for a
25:16
Speaker 1: lap dance knowing that their partners are not okay with it.
25:20
Speaker 1: That's not normal. If you know your partner is not
25:25
Speaker 1: okay with that behavior and you still go and do it,
25:28
Speaker 1: that is cheating just because you paid for it. What
25:31
Speaker 1: it's not cheating? Great, So I'll just pay for a
25:33
Speaker 1: fucking jigglow to come and fuck me. Well, you're not
25:35
Speaker 1: at the fucking strip, Like, oh what planets? Okay, So
25:38
Speaker 1: that is cheating. And so many guys have like brainwashed
25:44
Speaker 1: or gas lips so many of their girlfriends, and deep
25:46
Speaker 1: down all the girlfriends know, but they just don't want
25:49
Speaker 1: to be the nagger. They don't want to be this
25:50
Speaker 1: inappropriate old. But I don't want to control. That's not controlling.
25:53
Speaker 1: It's not controlling. You're setting a boundary. You've made it
25:56
Speaker 1: so clear that you feel uncomfortable. This is like, this
25:59
Speaker 1: is like fidelity in a relationship. And like I said,
26:02
Speaker 1: if you're a couple and you're like, go for God
26:03
Speaker 1: with the strip clubs. Love that you do, like that's
26:05
Speaker 1: your fucking thing. But in general, most people don't like that.
26:09
Speaker 1: Most people don't want their partner going to a strip club,
26:12
Speaker 1: and they don't want the guys and their friends to
26:15
Speaker 1: act like as if it's normal and that it's okay
26:17
Speaker 1: behavior when it's not. You try and pretend it's normal
26:20
Speaker 1: because you want to fuck around with your mates. But
26:24
Speaker 1: why don't you actually be in a relationship that you
26:26
Speaker 1: actually like. Why don't you actually respect the woman that
26:29
Speaker 1: you want to be with. Why don't you like what?
26:32
Speaker 1: And then people talk about this male lonely andess epidemic.
26:35
Speaker 1: Most of the guys that I know are not fucking
26:36
Speaker 1: lonely because they're good, decent, fucking people. Any good, normal,
26:41
Speaker 1: decent guy isn't lonely. It's always the fuck wits that
26:44
Speaker 1: are lonely out there complaining. So that's another problem. I
26:48
Speaker 1: could go down that path forever. But one thing I
26:53
Speaker 1: do want to say is that I hate that you
26:56
Speaker 1: are in this position and you feel stuck because of
27:02
Speaker 1: the fact that you feel that you are You know
27:05
Speaker 1: that he is financially, you're I'm I don't want to
27:08
Speaker 1: say financially dependent. You said he brings me financial stability,
27:14
Speaker 1: So I don't know how much of that is completely
27:16
Speaker 1: financial dependency or how much of it is you know,
27:19
Speaker 1: but I'm telling you do if you do choose that
27:23
Speaker 1: you want to leave this relationship, do what you need
27:26
Speaker 1: to do to just scrap by. Get any job. Nothing
27:31
Speaker 1: feels better than being able to look after yourself and
27:36
Speaker 1: being able to remove yourself from a situation. You can
27:39
Speaker 1: scrub toilets, it doesn't matter. I'm telling you if you can,
27:42
Speaker 1: if you feel like you have to get out of there,
27:45
Speaker 1: do what, like get the money, get a job, get whatever.
27:50
Speaker 1: This is why I always bang on, and it's not
27:52
Speaker 1: to throw shade, but I like, please always be financially independent.
27:58
Speaker 1: And if you choose to quit your job because you
28:02
Speaker 1: got married to someone that's got a lot of money,
28:04
Speaker 1: that's fine, But stay skilled up. You need to keep
28:07
Speaker 1: your skills. You never know what's around the corner. I'm sorry,
28:10
Speaker 1: but you don't. And I'm not even saying that the
28:13
Speaker 1: guy might up and leave you on whatever, but that's
28:15
Speaker 1: a huge possibility because you just never really know what's
28:18
Speaker 1: around the corner in life. But even if it's not that,
28:21
Speaker 1: he could absolutely lose his job and then both of
28:23
Speaker 1: you are financially fucked. You could decide that you want
28:26
Speaker 1: to leave and then you're like, well, great, now I
28:29
Speaker 1: can't because of this you, like, so many things happen
28:32
Speaker 1: where you need to if you're not already making your
28:35
Speaker 1: own money, skill the fuck up to have the possibility
28:39
Speaker 1: to make your own money because this triad wife or
28:42
Speaker 1: a fuck off, right fuck off, Because if you want
28:47
Speaker 1: to do that to yourself, great, But don't be telling
28:49
Speaker 1: women that they're oh my god, you know, like society
28:52
Speaker 1: has led to you thinking that women need to work.
28:55
Speaker 1: Neither haven't never haven't. In our economy, no one's led.
28:59
Speaker 1: Everyone needs a fucking job. Everyone needs to be financially
29:01
Speaker 1: independent or have the ability to be financially independent. Never
29:05
Speaker 1: ever give up your independence so completely that you get
29:11
Speaker 1: to a point where you are trapped and you can't
29:14
Speaker 1: leave the reason you are choosing to stay in this
29:16
Speaker 1: relationship where you are writing to me at two I
29:19
Speaker 1: want to cry because I feel I feel what you're
29:23
Speaker 1: like like it hurts me. You're writing to me at
29:26
Speaker 1: two thirty six, am gutted and physically ill. I get
29:29
Speaker 1: that you're physically ill. I can imagine, I can imagine,
29:33
Speaker 1: and you're saying that you know this is financal, like
29:35
Speaker 1: it breaks my heart. You just just think, I've got
29:39
Speaker 1: to do what it takes, whatever I can do. If
29:42
Speaker 1: you choose to leave him, make sure that you like,
29:45
Speaker 1: make sure that you can actually leave him. Don't stay
29:48
Speaker 1: purely because of this financial stability. My question to you is,
29:52
Speaker 1: if you had financial independence, would you leave? Because there's
29:56
Speaker 1: two things. Number one is you know, if nothing ever changed,
30:00
Speaker 1: would you stay? And I think the answer would be no.
30:02
Speaker 1: And then the other one is if you had full
30:05
Speaker 1: financial independence, would you leave? And I think the answer
30:07
Speaker 1: would be yes. And then you talk about partnership, and
30:10
Speaker 1: I can tell you, I promise you, when you are
30:13
Speaker 1: with a liar, even an addict, who is lying, you
30:16
Speaker 1: don't sleep well at night. You can't sleep well at night,
30:18
Speaker 1: and you're never at peace. I don't need to tell
30:21
Speaker 1: you this, but you are never at peace right now.
30:24
Speaker 1: You feel like you're being lied to, which you are.
30:26
Speaker 1: You feel like you are the bottom of the barrel,
30:28
Speaker 1: which you are. All these things are happening to you,
30:31
Speaker 1: and you have very little mental peace. Your relationship is
30:35
Speaker 1: supposed to be a safe space. This isn't a partnership.
30:38
Speaker 1: What you have. You have a marriage, okay, which can
30:42
Speaker 1: be a partnership, but some marriages are just you know,
30:45
Speaker 1: a contract that's been signed and then everything's falling apart.
30:47
Speaker 1: But you're staying together because you are married. My other
30:49
Speaker 1: question is if you weren't married, would you stay with him?
30:53
Speaker 1: Nothing feels better than resting your head at night in
30:55
Speaker 1: the pillow, knowing that you trust everyone that you have
30:58
Speaker 1: chosen to put in your life. Nothing feels better, even
31:01
Speaker 1: if it means being single. If you have that peace
31:04
Speaker 1: of mind where you think every single relationship in my
31:06
Speaker 1: life is with someone that I trust, that has my back,
31:09
Speaker 1: that I have their back, that's real wealth. You think
31:14
Speaker 1: that having a partnership and one where it's just no
31:19
Speaker 1: offense but awful, where you're being lied to, where you're
31:22
Speaker 1: not a priority, where you're being treated the way you're
31:23
Speaker 1: being treated, where you feel like you're nagging for asking
31:26
Speaker 1: for the absolute bare minimum of respect, the bare minimum
31:29
Speaker 1: of respect, and you're worried that you're coming across as
31:31
Speaker 1: a nag. That single is better. Single is better. So
31:38
Speaker 1: if you can be financially independent and you can come
31:42
Speaker 1: to terms with the fact that this is not actually
31:44
Speaker 1: a part And I know you said all the other
31:46
Speaker 1: things are great. No, No, it's like those people that
31:49
Speaker 1: are really unhealthy relationships and they say, well, when it's good,
31:51
Speaker 1: it's great, but when it's bad, it's really bad. That's
31:54
Speaker 1: not good enough. So unless you can come to the
31:57
Speaker 1: table and say, I am one hundred percent, one hundred
32:01
Speaker 1: percent committing to this, I am a full blown addict,
32:03
Speaker 1: I need serious therapy. I'm going to do all these
32:06
Speaker 1: different things. I'm going to have two different accountability people.
32:10
Speaker 1: One that I can talk to, maybe not within the marriage,
32:12
Speaker 1: that I can speak to, you know, privately about whatever,
32:15
Speaker 1: and then someone who can actually, I don't know, make
32:18
Speaker 1: sure that my devices don't have whatever it is. But
32:21
Speaker 1: unless he's taking this seriously and you feel that you
32:24
Speaker 1: can trust him, then you are going to continue to
32:28
Speaker 1: suffer in this marriage and you're not going to ever
32:30
Speaker 1: feel better. You will not feel any better than you're
32:32
Speaker 1: feeling right now at two thirty six am in the morning,
32:35
Speaker 1: feeling absolutely gutted because of what he's done. He has
32:40
Speaker 1: single handedly destroyed this marriage through his addiction. Yes, but
32:44
Speaker 1: that is still his doing. So it's it's it's yeah. Anyway,
32:52
Speaker 1: So I did go on a few forums online and
32:54
Speaker 1: was doing a little bit of research and I wanted
32:56
Speaker 1: to read this one thing that someone had written in
32:58
Speaker 1: a Reddit forum, and this is what it says. I
33:01
Speaker 1: used to watch porn before my relationship with my girlfriend,
33:04
Speaker 1: and even during my relationship, I struggled to get off it.
33:06
Speaker 1: But at the end of the day, it's about what's
33:08
Speaker 1: most important to you. Porn changes your mind and your libido.
33:12
Speaker 1: People who deny it won't be prepared for howard it
33:15
Speaker 1: will affect them in ten to twenty years time. I
33:17
Speaker 1: gave it up for my partner and it was one
33:19
Speaker 1: hundred percent worth it, and our sex life improved so much.
33:23
Speaker 1: Men have it ingrained in their head that this is normal,
33:26
Speaker 1: but it is not. If your partner doesn't want to
33:28
Speaker 1: give it up, I would leave end of story right now.
33:33
Speaker 1: I do want to quickly summarize this with kind of
33:36
Speaker 1: the impact. There's a study that was published in PubMed
33:39
Speaker 1: just last year and it talks about the it's called
33:42
Speaker 1: so if you want to look it up, the impact
33:44
Speaker 1: of Internet pornography addiction on brain function. A functional near
33:47
Speaker 1: infrared spectroscopy study Okay. So the first thing is dopamine desensitization.
33:54
Speaker 1: So when you're viewing really high stimulating pornographic content, it's
33:59
Speaker 1: releasing really really high levels of dopamine, and over time,
34:03
Speaker 1: your brain starts to become desensitized to it, so you
34:06
Speaker 1: need more and more and more. That's why people escalate
34:08
Speaker 1: the kind of content that they watch in many cases,
34:11
Speaker 1: so you need more intense content or more novel content
34:15
Speaker 1: to feel that same kind of pleasure of feeling. Think
34:17
Speaker 1: of it like a drug addict chester up the dose,
34:19
Speaker 1: up the dose, up the dose to get that high
34:22
Speaker 1: that they're seeking. The next one is prefrontal cortex weakening,
34:26
Speaker 1: so your reward center starts to have weaker connections and
34:32
Speaker 1: that makes you weaker when it comes to impulse control.
34:36
Speaker 1: It's harder for you to make a decision and stick
34:39
Speaker 1: to it. It's harder for emotional regulation. We also see
34:43
Speaker 1: a gray matter reduction in these brains, so some neuro
34:49
Speaker 1: imaging studies show that there looks like there is a
34:53
Speaker 1: correlation between heavy pornographer use and reduced grain meta volume
34:57
Speaker 1: in the reward's circuit like the stray in the brain.
35:01
Speaker 1: And this is similar to markers that are found in
35:04
Speaker 1: other compulsive or addictive behaviors as well. And then of
35:07
Speaker 1: course tolerance, like we spoke about just before, and escalation.
35:11
Speaker 1: So as you're building up a tolerance to like these
35:14
Speaker 1: spikes of dopamine, you're going to seek out more extreme,
35:20
Speaker 1: maybe something that was uninteresting before or maybe taboo content
35:24
Speaker 1: to start feeling aroused because the everyday stuff is like hmm,
35:28
Speaker 1: it's not as arousing. It's not as arousing, So you
35:30
Speaker 1: start going for more, more, and more, and then there
35:34
Speaker 1: is withdrawal and the cognitive effects of that withdrawals. So
35:38
Speaker 1: if you heavily, heavily rely on pornography for your dopamine
35:42
Speaker 1: and then you abruptly stop, then the individual might experience
35:47
Speaker 1: like severe withdrawals. So this is irritability, anxiety, depression. It
35:53
Speaker 1: really disrupts their daily focus. This is the same with
35:55
Speaker 1: so many other addictions. You get like because you just
35:58
Speaker 1: remove it completely, then you have to go through like
36:01
Speaker 1: the absolute trenches before you start to feel better. And
36:04
Speaker 1: this is where a lot of people just feel like
36:05
Speaker 1: it's not fucking worth it and they go back to
36:07
Speaker 1: their behavioral addiction or their addiction in general. So that
36:13
Speaker 1: is the episode in a nutshell, And to my beautiful
36:17
Speaker 1: listener that wrote in, I just want to say that
36:23
Speaker 1: you have to put yourself first and if you genuinely
36:27
Speaker 1: think that there's an opportunity for change and you can
36:30
Speaker 1: work through this together. And he's willing to come to
36:32
Speaker 1: the party, and he's demonstrated that he's changed, and it's
36:36
Speaker 1: not just words. You know, you know him better than
36:40
Speaker 1: most people in his life. Would you're his wife, you
36:43
Speaker 1: know if you see a shift in him of actually
36:46
Speaker 1: wanting change or not. And you've got to be very
36:48
Speaker 1: honest with you with yourself if you're seeing that shift,
36:50
Speaker 1: or if you're just as his wife, you're the one
36:59
Speaker 1: that knows. You are the one that knows if it's
37:07
Speaker 1: actually a real shift or if he's just saying it
37:10
Speaker 1: to keep you. Maybe you say that you're thinking about
37:12
Speaker 1: leaving or that it's not and then he turns around
37:14
Speaker 1: and says, you're going to know if it's serious or not.
37:17
Speaker 1: Your instincts will tell you. And I'm telling you based
37:20
Speaker 1: on how you're feeling, based on what's happened, your instincts
37:22
Speaker 1: are probably going to be right. So if you decide
37:26
Speaker 1: to stay, I hope it's for the right reasons, and
37:28
Speaker 1: I hope it's because you're seeing serious change. But apart
37:32
Speaker 1: from that, I think you need to do everything in
37:35
Speaker 1: your power to seek as much possible independence and walk
37:39
Speaker 1: away because this could go on for decades and you
37:42
Speaker 1: will be miserable, miserable, and you deserve so much better
37:47
Speaker 1: than that. So I really really hope that you don't
37:52
Speaker 1: lose yourself in this because it's so unfair. It is
37:56
Speaker 1: so unfair, and you don't deserve it. So, yeah, hopefully
38:02
Speaker 1: that was a helpful episode. I really hope. While I
38:04
Speaker 1: can't give you a straight up answer, I really hope
38:06
Speaker 1: that you feel a bit more empowered with what road
38:09
Speaker 1: you're going to go down or how you're going to
38:11
Speaker 1: approach it. But I think that you need to when
38:14
Speaker 1: you do speak to him about strip clubs, this, and that,
38:17
Speaker 1: it's no more about I don't want to now. I
38:18
Speaker 1: don't wanted this, I don't wanted that. Fuck that. I'm sorry.
38:22
Speaker 1: You're gonna lay down your what your expectations for this marriage?
38:26
Speaker 1: This is if you choose to stay, you will lay
38:28
Speaker 1: it down fucking hard. You'll say these are absolutely unacceptable
38:32
Speaker 1: behaviors for a marriage. If you didn't want to be married.
38:35
Speaker 1: You didn't have to be married. You could be fucking
38:38
Speaker 1: around in a strip club every hour of the day.
38:40
Speaker 1: So you're the fuck with who chose to get married
38:42
Speaker 1: for what? For what? These other guidelines? Okay, and he
38:46
Speaker 1: knew this shit before you got married. You stated it,
38:48
Speaker 1: you said it, He knew all how you felt about
38:51
Speaker 1: all this shit before he got married. So he's not
38:53
Speaker 1: only an addict, but he's a fucking liar beyond just
38:56
Speaker 1: the addiction, a fucking liar. So sorry to your husband
39:00
Speaker 1: through the dirt, but that's just it is what it is.
39:04
Speaker 1: So I would come in fucking hot and I would
39:07
Speaker 1: be like, this is the situation moving forward. If you
39:11
Speaker 1: choose to say, I'm not going to feel bad for
39:14
Speaker 1: requesting these things, I'm not going to feel bad for
39:16
Speaker 1: requesting the bare minimum of respect in a marriage. If
39:18
Speaker 1: you can't see that as disrespectful behavior, then you are
39:21
Speaker 1: not husband material, end of story, separate to your porn addiction.
39:25
Speaker 1: And then secondly, if I don't see serious desire for
39:29
Speaker 1: you wanting to change, then I've got every answer that
39:32
Speaker 1: I need. That's it. Anyway here, I am getting worked up,
39:38
Speaker 1: as I should, because I do care about all my
39:40
Speaker 1: listeners and the stories that they send me and tell me.
39:42
Speaker 1: But thank you very much for writing in. I really
39:45
Speaker 1: really do appreciate. It's very vulnerable. It's not easy to do,
39:48
Speaker 1: so I appreciate that. And yeah, that is all for
39:51
Speaker 1: today's episode. And I just really wanted to cover this
39:54
Speaker 1: question and cover this topic. So that is all for today.
39:58
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for listening everyone, And as a
40:00
Speaker 1: always remember bekind to yourself, be kind to your brain,
40:02
Speaker 1: don't text shit from anyone, and especially don't text it
40:05
Speaker 1: from yourself. Don't you