Latest / The Divorce Decision Podcast / Episode 10: 4 Listening Shifts That Can Hurt Communication in Your Long-Term Relationships

Transcript

Episode 10: 4 Listening Shifts That Can Hurt Communication in Your Long-Term Relationships · The Divorce Decision Podcast

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Lucky in Love, a podcast where we explore what really makes and breaks relationships.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: So whether you're head over heels in love, caught up in the middle of some relationship drama, or just trying to figure it all out, you're in the right place.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: Are you ready to be lucky in love?
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: Join me.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Carrie Hoskins.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: Now let's jump in.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Hey there, friends! Welcome back to the podcast.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: So today we are going to be talking about and discussing a shift that happens in the way that you communicate with your partner once you become an established, committed relationship.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: So for those of you who are newer relationships, I would suggest that you pay attention so that you can potentially minimize this problem down the road.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: And for those of you who are in an established committed relationship, I would just ask that you listen to today's show with open-mindedness and maybe with the goal to increase your self-awareness around what we are talking about today.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: So relationships, all relationships go through many different phases and stages.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: And each phase or stage that you're in, of course, comes with its own challenges.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: When you are in the beginning stages of a relationship, talking and getting to know each other is usually super, super fun.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: There's oftentimes feelings of anticipation and excitement and maybe a little bit of nervousness mixed in there.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: And when you actually start to fall in love, it feels really good.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: It feels good to fall in love.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: And the reason why is because during that time, your brain is releasing certain chemicals, uh, neurochemicals like dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: And the release of these chemicals actually create pleasurable sensations in your brain and in your body, which is why it's so much fun to fall in love.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: But it's during these new, like the newness, the new phase of a relationship where it's actually very easy for most of you to focus on, you know, this new partner in your life, this new person, and really think about and consider what it is they're talking about and what it is they're saying.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: And also, you don't really have a big romantic history with them yet.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: And so there's not hard feelings or grudges or resentment buildup that could potentially be coloring whatever it is that they're saying or coloring the conversation, let's say.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: But the challenge during this time is usually around things like or questions like, can I trust them?
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: How much can I trust them?
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: How vulnerable should I be?
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: Was I too vulnerable last night when we were having that discussion?
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: Those are the challenges that we seem to run up against in the newer phases of a relationship.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: But when you make a commitment and you settle into the relationship and you start doing life together, the newness wears off.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: And this is when communication can actually start to shift.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: And so today, what I want to share with you is some of the things that I see happening in specifically the way that people are listening to and responding to their partners.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's really when you get into the more humdrum part of the relationship that we start to see communication problems arise.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, almost every single person that I've ever worked with at some point or another has said, I really wish that we had better communication and that my partner would listen to me more.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: And so that is what we're talking about today.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: So this shift in the way that you listen to your partner and communicate with your partner tends to happen when life gets busy and when stressors start to come in and like poke holes in the relationship.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: And also when things happen that you don't like.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: So maybe you accidentally embarrassed your husband or your boyfriend at dinner last night and he's upset, or you found out that your girlfriend or your wife didn't share something with you that you really thought she should have and you were kind of blindsided.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: These like little things affect how you talk to and listen to each other.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: So I want you to think about your relationship.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: What do you do when you're listening to your partner and you disagree with them?
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: Where does your mind go when you think you know what they're going to say and you don't like it?
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: How do you listen when you're not having a very good day?
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: The answers to these questions matter because big feelings like love and compassion, which are obviously positive feelings, or feelings that are more negative like annoyance or disgust and resentment, these actually begin as little seeds.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: And these little seeds get planted in the mundane, everyday interactions and conversations that you are having with each other.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: So that flip comment first thing in the morning that was taken the wrong way, or the quick conversation that either goes really well or goes completely sideways during your lunch break, or maybe the serious discussion just before bedtime.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: This is where those seeds get planted.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: And then the next time you have an interaction or a conversation, those seeds get watered.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: And so if the seeds that are planted are positive, that's a good thing.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: But if those little seeds of annoyance or hard feelings get planted, that of course is not such a great thing.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: So the bottom line here for today is that how you listen and respond to each other matters.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: Listen, if you want playfulness, if you want emotional connection and intimacy, if you want affection and sex, you need to take listening to each other seriously.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: So I want to share some specific things that people do when they're listening that can cause the little seeds of disconnection, annoyance, resentfulness to be planted so that you can become more aware of it if you're doing these or recognize it if your partner is doing these, and then hopefully this can help you make some adjustments in your relationship.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: So I think most of us would admit to doing a few of these right off the bat.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: The easy ones, like, you know, not paying attention, being distracted when you're listening, your partner comes in after a long day of work and they're trying to have a conversation with you, and you are looking at your phone or you're reading the mail or whatever you're doing, and you're continuing to do that while they're talking to you.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: That obviously you're not paying attention to them.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: That does not lend itself to feeling heard, to your partner feeling heard.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: Or if you're pseudo-listening, pseudo-listening is when you're pretending to listen.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: You're making all the appropriate head nodding and the uhs and hums and mmm, you know, whatever your sounds are when you're listening.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: So you're pretending like you're listening, but your mind actually is wandering or it's somewhere else.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: If your partner has ever said, you know, or asked you, are you listening to me right now?
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: You're not doing a very good job of pretending to listen.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: So these, you know, two things right off the bat, these are things that most of us can admit to doing, probably on a fairly frequent basis.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: And so obviously, these are the more common ones.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: But what I want to talk about are actually four bigger, more problematic listening habits that can actually take a toll on your relationship.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: So the first one is what we call filling in the gaps.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: Now, filling in the gaps tends to happen once you really become familiar with your partner.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: You've probably been with your partner for at least a year, and this really happens in long-term relationships where you have been together for a significant amount of time.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: So filling in the gaps happens when you assume that you know what your partner is going to say.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: Now it's a very romantic notion.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: We know each other so well that we can complete each other's sentences.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, if that's a positive completing of each other's sentences, absolutely, it feels good to know your partner that well.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: But in reality, completing your partner's sentences or concept or idea before they're done talking can actually cause a lot of problems.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: It can cause misunderstandings and even unnecessary arguments because you're jumping to a conclusion about what they're going to say before they finish talking.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: And it's based on an assumption, and it's usually based on something that has happened in the past or the way that they may have thought about something in the past or things they may have said in the past.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: And just because they thought it or said it in the past doesn't necessarily mean that's what they're thinking now.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: And it doesn't necessarily mean this is what they're going to say this time around.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: So when you as the listener fill in the gaps, a couple of things are potentially happening.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: First of all, you're potentially tuning out because you think you know what they're going to say, and so you miss whatever it is that they're going to say or they are saying.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: And the second thing is that you can potentially start forming a response to whatever it is you think they're going to say.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: And so again, you're not listening.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: And the third thing that can happen, and this often happens, is that you will cut off your partner and complete their sentence for them, which if you've ever had this done to you, it's very annoying.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: So not only are you no longer listening, but it means that you're not trying to understand their perspective.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: And additionally, when you are verbally completing their sentence or their thought, it can make your partner feel unheard and it actually minimizes whatever it is that they were going to share with you.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: Regardless of if you were right, like let's pretend that your partner is talking to you and you think you know what they're gonna say, and yes, they're saying exactly whatever it is that you thought they were going to say, it still minimizes whatever their thought was, whatever it is, whatever it is they want to share with you, because you're not allowing them to express it to you.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: Friends, if you are doing this, just kind of check yourself.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: Be patient, let them finish the thought, let them finish their idea or whatever it is that they're telling you.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, I would say as a follow-up to this, a lot of times people say, Oh, well, I knew you were gonna say that.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: So if your I knew you were gonna say that is kind of done in a negative way, that's kind of judgy, y'all.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: And nobody likes to feel like whatever it is that they're saying is going to be judged and it actually will potentially shut down more communication.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if you say, Oh, I knew you were gonna say that in a positive way, that's a little bit different.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: But either way, I would say refrain from filling in the gaps, even if it's a positive filling in the gaps.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: So the next one is interrupting.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: Now, interrupting usually goes along with filling in the gaps, but it doesn't have to.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: So interrupting is obviously where you interject either by completing their sentence, finishing their sentence for them, or you interject your own thoughts, your own perspective before your partner is done talking.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: This is really important because it can really make your partner feel dismissed and it can cause them to shut down and stop talking to you.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: And we know that we need to have conversations in order to have healthy relationships.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're an interrupter, do your best to just be patient and wait for your time to talk.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: Wait until they're done.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: So the third one is what we call defensive listening.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: And defensive listening is when you hear an innocent comment, but you take it as a personal insult or attack.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: This can cause you to become defensive, which will completely derail the conversation or can potentially cause an unnecessary argument.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: If you struggle in general with defensiveness, please go back and listen to episode number four where I teach you how to respond when you are feeling defensive.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: But in a nutshell, instead of taking some comment as a personal tack or personally, I would just say ask them for clarification.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: What did you mean by that?
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: And then accept whatever their answer is.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I used to be, I definitely used to be a defensive listener, and this is something that I have been working on in my own life for a good five years.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: And it is a work in progress, but I'm much better now.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: But I will give you an example of this.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: So before, when my husband would say something like, Well, you know, we need to reorganize the hall closet.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't know what it is about our hall closet, but it always seems to be in disarray, doesn't matter how many times we organize and reorganize it.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: But he would say, Oh my gosh, we need to reorganize the whole hall closet.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: And before, I would hear, you're not doing a good job, go reorganize it.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: So I would hear it as a criticism and a command, which would always like make me bristle.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: Now what I ask is, okay, well, what's not working for you?
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: How would you like to reorganize this?
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: And then I follow that up with, and when would you like to help me?
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: So you definitely want to make sure that if you are a defensive listener, that you catch yourself and ask questions and clarify so that you can have a good conversation and hopefully a good day.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: And then number four is insensitive listening.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: We also call this literal listening.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: This is when you listen to the content of what they're saying, the content of the message, but you're ignoring the relational meaning.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: So an example of this would be if your partner or spouse comes home, they they're telling you the story of how they've had this terrible day, they had a bad conversation with the coworker, it got a little bit heated, they ended up in their boss's office, and their boss wasn't very happy with them.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: And now they're worried about their job or they're worried about what the coworker thinks of them or what the boss thinks of them.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: And insensitive listening would be saying something like, Well, then I guess you should have kept your mouth shut, right?
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: That's like completely dismissing your partner's feelings.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: And what this does when you do this is it undermines trust in your relationship and it discourages them from opening up and wanting to share with you because it doesn't feel safe.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: The truth of the matter is if you want a healthy relationship, you have to have trust and vulnerability in your communication.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: And if you are literally listening and disregarding their feelings, it's going to shut that down.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: So my suggestion there, if that is kind of your personality, if it's the way that you look at things, I would encourage you to work on this, to work on asking them, well, how are you feeling about this?
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: Or what do you think could happen?
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: What are you thinking about doing?
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: You're going to ask follow-up questions to try and get a gauge on where they are at emotionally.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_00: So these things happen in established relationships because you get so used to each other.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: It is so everyday, mundane, humdrum.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: And you have things that may have happened in the past that you're bringing in.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: You have other parts of their personality, maybe that kind of bug you or annoy you a little bit.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: And all of those things start to affect the way that you think about your partner, the way that you feel about them.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: And that translates into how you are listening to them and how you are responding to them.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: So please, if you are in a committed, established relationship, I would just encourage you to be mindful of this stuff and be thinking about how you are listening to your partner on a regular basis.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: And if you find that your partner is doing some of these things to you, have them listen to this podcast or just tell them about it.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: But you need to be gentle with it because you don't want to attack them or accuse them.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's just something for both of you to be aware of.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: So my suggestion is to give each other your full attention when you are talking to each other.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: Try to refrain from jumping to conclusions or making assumptions about what they're going to say.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: Refrain from interrupting each other.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_00: Do your best not to be defensive.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, you want to make sure that you are not skimming over or brushing over your partner or spouse's feelings about things.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: So listening is a sign of acknowledgement.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: And everyone wants to be seen and heard and acknowledged by their partner.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: And the better you get at listening to them, the more seen and heard they are most likely going to feel.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: All right, my friends, if you found this helpful, please give it a five-star rating or like it if you're watching it on YouTube and of course share it with your friends.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'll talk to you next week.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_00: Listen, if you're at a crossroads in your relationship and you do not know what to do, maybe you're wondering if it can work, maybe you're not even sure if that's what you want.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: I have some good news for you.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_00: You do not have to figure this out alone.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_00: I invite you to go check out my 12-week coaching program called Before You Break Up.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: At the end of our time together, you are either going to feel more connected to your partner or spouse, or you're going to have the clarity and the confidence to know that parting ways is the best choice.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_00: So stop what you're doing and go visit kahaskins.com to learn more.