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Donald Drumpf Theatre: America Decides · Donald Drumpf Theatre radio show

• 0:01
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• 0:22
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• 0:27
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• 0:55
  No, we can't.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_01: Husker do you think JD Vance likes Husker do?
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_03: Why does everything have to be so weird?
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_03: These are dangerous times.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_03: Something terrible is going to happen.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_03: Just when I thought I was out.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_03: again.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_03: Are we going?
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_03: Is this thing on?
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_03: Test, test, test, test, test.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_03: Mr. and Mrs. America and all the ships at sea.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_03: Somebody's gonna come undone There's nothing we can do Everybody wants to touch
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_03: somebody If it takes all night
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_03: Here we go.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_03: The 5 p.m.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_03: All good?
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I'm good.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_03: Greg,
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_03: considering it's my first election,
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_03: I got to deliver the best election numbers ever because my bosses want to rip my
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_03: heart out as a peace offering to all Congress.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_03: So, you know, Greg, you know, I'm a little bit tense.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_03: Just a little bit tense.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_03: Well, yeah, I'm feeling pretty good.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_02: I'm tense and nervous and I can't relax.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_03: Hey, Tom.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_03: Hey, Ken.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_03: You good?
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_03: You feeling good?
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_03: Needs to be gangbusters tonight, man.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah?
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, you got it.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_03: You got it.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_03: All right.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_03: Need those numbers, T. Really want to see those numbers, Tom.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_03: OK?
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_03: OK.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_03: Got it, Ken.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_03: All good.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_03: All good.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_03: Hey, Pam.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_03: How's it looking?
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_02: A bit of crackle.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_02: We have a news van in a bit of trouble in Oregon.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_02: Things looking fighty in Milwaukee.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_03: Did you see the viral thing about the woman who voted like 40 times under her dead mom's name?
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_02: We tracked her down.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_02: Not super reliable.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_02: She's not a well person.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_03: Well, you're not a doctor, Pam, until you qualify.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_03: Why don't you get her on the air?
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_03: So what we're hearing is,
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_03: and remember,
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_03: this is not decisive,
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_03: what we're seeing is Donald Drumpf may be overperforming in Georgia and Arizona.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_03: So our early read would be closer than polls have suggested.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: That's great.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I got four smileys from Gil.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: They think they've got it.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_03: I have got eggplant, eggplant flag from Drumpf.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: Well, two eggplants is not as much as four smileys, obviously.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: Four smileys is symptomatic of the complacency at the heart of the out-of-touch campaign.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: Eggplant, eggplant flag reeks of the misogynistic bravado that has so repelled the median voter.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_03: Hmm?
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_03: Jesus, I feel sick.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, why?
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_03: It's fun.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_03: My team's playing your team.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_03: It's only spicy because if my team wins, they're going to shoot your team.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_03: But we've got full team coverage tonight.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_03: We've got Grace Kulichman at Harris headquarters.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_03: We've got Troy Iwata at Trump headquarters.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_03: We've got Jordan Klepper in the swing state of Pennsylvania.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_03: First, we're going to go to Troy and Grace.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_03: Troy, I'm going to start with you, Troy, at Trump headquarters.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_03: What are you wearing, Troy?
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_03: It's a garbage bag.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, we have to wear them to prove that we're not garbage.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_03: It doesn't make a lot of sense.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_03: A lot of stuff doesn't make sense here.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_03: Grace, you're at Kamala Harris campaign headquarters.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_03: What is the mood there?
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_03: It's tense, John.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_03: The mood here is also very tense, John.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_03: People are really sick of all the positive signs and just want to find out the
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_03: results so they can start the insurrection.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_03: Wait, Trump seems to be doing well.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, they don't care.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_03: Win or lose, these people are going to take a shit on Nancy Pelosi's desk again.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_03: They've been eating fiber bars for 12 hours.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_03: They are ready.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you, Troy.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, well, I blame you.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_03: Scared to run all the fraud.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_03: Well, I keep my hands out, you know?
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_03: Fuck you.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_03: What is this?
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_03: Because, you know, I'm quite busy.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, you're busy.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_03: Just wanted to say a couple things.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_03: Very directly.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_03: We still think we can win.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_03: Sure.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_03: But I am very focused on losing.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_03: All right.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_03: Winning is easy.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_03: Winning would take care of itself.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_03: Sure.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_03: But if I lose, I need to work on what assholes would call the narratives.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_03: Uh-huh.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_03: Like an insurgent campaign, unfairly maligned as extremist by the coastal masturbation factory.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_03: Exactly.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_03: If I lose, I want it correctly characterized as a huge victory.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: And it is 7 o'clock on the East Coast, which means polls have just closed in half a dozen states.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_03: Voters have made their voices heard.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_03: This could be the most important election in our lifetime.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_03: Now, look, I know a lot of people out there feeling anxious.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_03: I want to assure you that that is very good for our ratings.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_03: So keep up the good work out there.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_03: Do not remove your eyes from the TV at all costs.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_03: To get a better sense of our national mood, we turn to Desi Lydic with analysis...
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_03: With analysis of all the results that we've seen so far tonight.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_03: Desi?
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, thanks, John.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_03: We don't, okay.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_03: But we don't have all the results in, so.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: Well, so far we have the F and the C and the K and the all y'all.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm going to go out on a limb and project a U and fuck all y'all.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_03: But there's still information to come in.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, it's too close to call.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: Kamala's up in Iowa.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to hear another pollster or James Carville from some subterranean
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: basement in his LSU Tigers hat going,
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_03: I don't see how she can lose.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_03: Now let me just finish my gumbo and f***.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_03: We're going to check back in on you, Desi.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you better make it quick because I'm going to get started on my Project 2025.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_03: Fuck.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_03: You okay?
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_03: I, uh, I have to go, um, tell them I think we're calling it for Drumpf.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_03: So, I should go.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_03: I'll get in trouble if I don't go.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, dude.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_03: I mean...
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, it's not really my choice, right?
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_03: So... Sure.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, right.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_03: I'm just pressing the button.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_03: Or I'm not even pressing the button.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_03: I'm asking them to prepare to press the button.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: And all that does is just, like, launch a nuclear attack.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_03: If they push that button, your ass got to go.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_03: It's not gonna change anything if I don't go, so.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: Couple minutes, so.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_03: Right, right.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_03: Realistically.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_03: Wow.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_03: Crazy.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_03: Crazy.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_03: Crazy one.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_03: It's now clear I have won sufficient electoral votes to be declared the next
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_03: president of the United States.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_03: And I find the responsibility awesome.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_03: Now I know there are some who feel there's something left to contest, but votes have been cast.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_03: Votes have been tallied.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_03: On another day, in another time, they might have fallen in another fashion.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_03: The election has been called for me by an authority.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_03: To my critics, I am not a demagogue.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_03: I am a defender of democracy.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_03: But democracy, it has this tendency that we have to beware to become mere transaction.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_03: I give you this, you give me that.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_03: I come begging for your vote.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_03: welfare checkbook out,
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_03: crowning the welfare kings and queens till everyone's become a little tyrant
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_03: crowned by the state.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_03: The model that I follow isn't from the scorched marketplace where cunning men haggle for the best price.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_03: That's not me.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_03: The democracy I believe in is where a leader emerged from the people, willed almost into being.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_03: brought forth by the great sweetness of the virtue of the combined wisdom of the
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_03: good people of this republic.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_03: Our country has never seen before nothing like this.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_03: I want to thank the American people for the extraordinary honor of being elected
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_03: your 47th president and your 45th president.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_03: You know,
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_03: the Trump speech had about 12 minutes of teleprompter written speech in there and
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_03: then another,
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know,
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_03: 15 of rambling and inviting other people up to the microphone to speak.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_03: In the 12 minutes that they put in the teleprompter, it was a very modest and non-Trumpian speech
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_03: that had only two words of policy, and those two words were reducing taxes.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_03: There was not another word of policy,
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_03: nothing about mass deportation,
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_03: nothing about trying to jail his opponents,
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_03: which he cannot do and will not be doing,
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_03: none of that kind of political terrorism language that he was including in his rallies.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_03: It hasn't been completely called yet.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_03: We don't exactly know what all the results are going to be.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_03: Our time is running out.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_03: I do want to very quickly send a quick message to all the pollsters, the election pollsters.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_03: Blow me.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_03: I don't ever want to...
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_03: from you again, ever.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_03: I don't ever want to hear, we've corrected to the overcorrection.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_03: You don't know shit about shit.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_03: You know nothing.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_03: And I don't care for you.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_03: We'll figure it out next time.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, we were in the margin of blow me.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_03: Look.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_03: Look, we...
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_03: Here's the thing.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_03: Here's what we know,
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_03: is that we don't really know anything and that we're going to come out of this
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_03: election and we're going to make all kinds of pronouncements about what this
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_03: country is and what this world is.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_03: And the truth is, we're not really going to know shit.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_03: And we're going to make it seem like this is the finality of our civilization, this and thing.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_03: We're all going to have to wake up tomorrow morning and work like hell to move the
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_03: world to the place that we prefer it to be.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_03: And I just want to point out, just as a matter of perspective,
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_03: that the lessons that our pundits take away from these results,
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_03: that they will pronounce with certainty,
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_03: will be wrong.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_03: And we have to remember that.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_03: In 2008, when Barack Obama won.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_03: There's no question that this is the beginning, the first election of the future, really.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_03: And I think we are moving towards a post-racial America.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, that lasted a day.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_03: And then, of course, in 2012, Obama won again.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_03: And the lesson was...
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_03: The GOP needs to send a powerful signal to Hispanic voters that the party respects them.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_03: That was the lesson they learned after that victory.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_03: And they were certain of it.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_03: And send a powerful signal to the Hispanic community, the GOP did.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_03: When Mexico sends its people, they're bringing drugs, they're bringing crime, they're rapists.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_03: Which apparently was the winning message.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_03: And that taught Democrats in 2016 what?
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe what the Democrats will be looking for is somebody with some inside experience,
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_00: but who's a generation younger.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_03: It's obviously gonna be younger, it's gonna be from a new generation.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_03: Need I say it?
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_03: With great honor and humility, I accept this nomination.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_03: And that turned out to be a winning message again, which led to an insurrection.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_03: And the lesson from that was...
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_03: When Donald Trump leaves office on Wednesday morning,
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_03: he will leave Washington a pariah.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_03: Donald Trump will never be allowed to set foot in the Capitol again.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_03: Never.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_03: Ever.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_03: My point is this.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_03: But this isn't the end.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_03: I promise you, this is not the end.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_03: And we have to regroup and we have to continue to fight and continue to work day in
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_03: and day out to create the better society for our children,
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_03: for this world,
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_03: for this country that we know is possible.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_03: It's possible.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_03: Don't know where, don't know when, but I know we'll meet again some sunny day.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_03: Keep smiling through just like you used to.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_03: Always do,
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_03: till the blue skies drive the dark clouds far away So will you please say hello to
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_03: the folks that I know Tell them I won't be long
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_03: They'll be happy to know That as you saw me go I was singing this song We'll meet
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_03: again Don't know when Don't know when But I know we'll meet again Some sunny day
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_03: We'll meet again, don't know where, don't know when, but I know we'll meet again some sunny day.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_03: Keep smiling through Just like you always do Till the blue skies dry And the dark
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_03: clouds far away So will you please say hello To the folks that I know Tell them I
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_03: won't be long
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_03: We'll be happy to know that as you slowly go, I will see you this time.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_01: We'll meet again, long, long time.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_03: But I know we'll meet again some sunny day.