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Why Your Boundaries Keep Turning Into Battles · IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective

• 0:00
  Ben: I'm Ben Pugh and you're listening to IMPACT! Parenting with Perspective.
• 0:06
  Ben: This podcast is all about helping parents manage the mental and emotional drama that comes with parenting teens so they can focus on what's most important.
• 0:17
  Ben: Building rock solid relationships and having a powerful impact on their teen's life.
• 0:22
  Ben: Join me each week as I dive into real tools to help you and your teen turn struggles into strengths.
• 0:33
  Ben: Welcome back to the podcast.
• 0:35
  Ben: Today, we are talking about why your boundaries keep turning into battles and how you can set clearer summer expectations before the fighting starts.
• 0:48
  Ben: the main thing we want to explore today is that bad boundaries are about control, which is why they so often turn into fights and full-out battles, and good boundaries actually create clarity, responsibility, and less fighting.
• 1:07
  Ben: And I'm gonna give you some pointers in how to, better address boundaries.
• 1:13
  Ben: If every rule in your house turns into an argument, this episode is for you.
• 1:19
  Ben: If you've ever caught yourself saying,"Get off the game," and then your teen just explodes and loses their crap, or if you ask about chores and suddenly you're in this 30-minute debate about how many chores the siblings are doing and what they should be doing, or if bedtime, phones, friends, snacks, sleep, any of those turn into a fight, the problem might not be that your teen needs harsher consequences.
• 1:50
  Ben: The problem is probably how and when the boundary is being set.
• 1:56
  Ben: A lot of parents do not have clear boundaries.
• 2:01
  Ben: They have reactions, and a reaction is not a boundary.
• 2:05
  Ben: Most parents try to set boundaries in the worst possible moment, when they're already mad or when their teen is already defensive.
• 2:15
  Ben: They try and set boundaries when their teen has already been gaming for nine hours straight, or when the chore has been ignored for three days.
• 2:24
  Ben: Also, sometimes parents try to address boundaries when everyone is tired or they're annoyed.
• 2:32
  Ben: And so if this is you, you don't have to wonder anymore, like,"Why are all these boundaries turning into fights?" Because you can start to see the pattern.
• 2:43
  Ben: And today, we are going to be talking about not only why these boundaries fail, but we're gonna talk about why sometimes summer makes this worse.
• 2:53
  Ben: And I'll help you understand what has to change if you want less fighting with your teenager this summer.
• 3:01
  Ben: Because summertime, it doesn't ruin your parenting and it doesn't Turn your teen into this knucklehead.
• 3:07
  Ben: Summer just reveals these patterns that aren't working in your home.
• 3:12
  Ben: And if you want summer to feel different this year, you can't wait until everyone's mad before you start leading and creating boundaries that actually work.
• 3:25
  Ben: let's talk about boundaries that turn into battles and why this is a loop that you get stuck in.
• 3:33
  Ben: A lot of times people overly focus on whatever problem is on the surface, whether it be screen time or doing chores or curfew now that it's summer, and these turn into fights, and parents think that the fight or the problem is the screen time or the curfew or the chores.
• 3:55
  Ben: But the truth is, the problem is the underlying pattern, and a lot of parents have underlying patterns that don't work for them or their teens because they don't actually have good boundaries.
• 4:08
  Ben: Instead, they have reactions, and a reaction is not a boundary.
• 4:13
  Ben: A threat is not a boundary.
• 4:16
  Ben: A boundary created in anger or created to cause fear usually creates resentment, and it doesn't create buy-in with your teen.
• 4:28
  Ben: If the first time your teen hears about a rule is once they've broken the rule or once they're mad and upset, don't be surprised if that turns into a fight.
• 4:41
  Ben: And most boundary battles start before the argument ever begins.
• 4:46
  Ben: And the truth is, if you can start to identify,"Oh, hey, here's the pattern that doesn't work.
• 4:52
  Ben: Here's how I'm going to address that," you can end these battles for good.
• 4:59
  Ben: So here are some examples.
• 5:01
  Ben: Let's talk about video games.
• 5:03
  Ben: If your teen has already been gaming for hours on end and then you finally snap and you're like,"That's it, you're done.
• 5:12
  Ben: Give me your controller," your teen is probably going to argue like,"You never said I couldn't play for this long.
• 5:19
  Ben: You never said I had to be done." And the mom is like,"Yeah, well, you should have known." This is what happens in my house.
• 5:25
  Ben: Sometimes I'm like,"Look, you're a teenager.
• 5:29
  Ben: You're old enough.
• 5:29
  Ben: You should know this by now." The problem is you've gotten into the same old pattern, and now you're into a fight about gaming.
• 5:39
  Ben: And it's about control, it's about fairness, and it's about disrespect.
• 5:44
  Ben: And the truth is, there's a better way to handle this.
• 5:48
  Ben: let's talk about another example, chores, or like we could talk about the trash.
• 5:52
  Ben: This is one that I hear parents talk about all the time.
• 5:55
  Ben: Moms are like,"Yeah, but I asked him to take the garbage out five times.
• 6:00
  Ben: He still hasn't done it." And then I finally break down and yell, and I say something like,"If you don't do it right now, you're losing your phone." And then your teen usually replies with something like,"Look, I was going to do that." And the mom is frustrated, and it makes sense because you feel like you've been ignored.
• 6:21
  Ben: And now your teen is also frustrated because they feel like they're being controlled and told to do something immediately.
• 6:28
  Ben: And the problem is nobody feels responsible.
• 6:32
  Ben: These are the patterns that exist in homes that are accentuated or highlighted during summertime.
• 6:42
  Ben: I'll give you one more example.
• 6:44
  Ben: Teens wanna stay up late in the summer.
• 6:47
  Ben: I get it.
• 6:47
  Ben: I remember being a teen.
• 6:49
  Ben: I remember how hard it was to wanna go to bed.
• 6:51
  Ben: Oftentimes, moms get upset, and after a bad night, they're more likely to be more upset.
• 6:59
  Ben: So now you have this new rule that comes seemingly out of nowhere, and your teen wants to fight the rule because it feels random or it feels reactionary.
• 7:11
  Ben: And most parents think the problem is their teen, or the problem is sleep or the chore or screen time.
• 7:21
  Ben: But I want you to explore, is there a better question?
• 7:25
  Ben: Is there a better way to handle this?
• 7:28
  Ben: Where is the boundary?
• 7:30
  Ben: What does my teen want?
• 7:31
  Ben: What are they willing to discuss?
• 7:34
  Ben: And the truth is, if you can bring your teen into a conversation about boundaries early, you can start exploring in a way that gets your teen on board, and you can do this before the incident starts.
• 7:50
  Ben: So now it's not a reaction anymore.
• 7:53
  Ben: Now it is a boundary because we had a discussion.
• 7:56
  Ben: So to be clear, when it comes to these boundaries or these surface-level problems, these battles like screen time, chores, I want you to just start to explore what is the pattern that we keep repeating?
• 8:13
  Ben: What is this loop that we're in?
• 8:15
  Ben: And even ask your teen, like,"Why do you think we keep having the same fights over and over?" let me just teach you about a few things that I feel are connected to boundaries that don't actually work, and I'll teach you a few things that I think are part of boundaries that do work.
• 8:35
  Ben: So bad boundaries are typically more about control, whereas good boundaries create more clarity.
• 8:43
  Ben: I want you to start to explore, am I trying to gain more control?
• 8:48
  Ben: Am I trying to control something or am I trying to create more clarity with my teenager?
• 8:56
  Ben: Bad boundaries often are like,"Hey, I need you to change X, Y, and Z so that I can blank." I--"Look, I need you to help more around the house so I can quit getting upset and yelling at you." Whereas good boundaries really explore what is expected and what is your role as the parent if what is expected isn't met.
• 9:21
  Ben: And keep in mind, the goal of boundaries is not to overpower your teen and to control them.
• 9:27
  Ben: The goal is to help them be responsible and to help them understand what responsibility means for them.
• 9:36
  Ben: If your teen has to guess what's important and when it's important, and what happens if I don't do this important thing, you don't have a boundary.
• 9:46
  Ben: You actually have confusion.
• 9:48
  Ben: when it comes to boundaries, the harder you push, oftentimes the harder your teen is going to push back.
• 9:57
  Ben: let me give you some examples.
• 9:59
  Ben: These would be some boundaries that probably if you've tried them before, you know they don't work.
• 10:05
  Ben: If you haven't tried them yet, I'm saving you some time.
• 10:08
  Ben: one example is if you don't stop gaming, I'm taking everything away.
• 10:13
  Ben: That's like one that I have heard word for word from a parent.
• 10:17
  Ben: That's a hard boundary.
• 10:18
  Ben: It isn't really clear.
• 10:20
  Ben: You're probably not really going to take everything away.
• 10:23
  Ben: It leaves a lot of gray area, which makes it hard for your teen to understand.
• 10:28
  Ben: Sometimes it's just like,"Hey, you better fix your attitude." I have fallen into this trap in football where I'm like,"Look, guys, I don't like your attitude." Kids don't understand.
• 10:39
  Ben: Sometimes they're like,"Man, I thought my attitude was great.
• 10:42
  Ben: What's going on?" If I can get more specific, like,"Look- Every time I try to coach you, you talk back.
• 10:49
  Ben: It makes it hard for me to teach you something because I don't want to get into an argument with you.
• 10:54
  Ben: So when I give you feedback, I need you to just look me in the eyes and keep your mouth shut.
• 11:00
  Ben: It's clear.
• 11:02
  Ben: It isn't just this abstract idea of,"Hey, I need you to fix your attitude." Some of the other boundaries, You're not going anywhere until I say so." That usually doesn't work with teens because they feel completely disempowered.
• 11:17
  Ben: "Oh, so I can't do anything unless Mom gives me the okay." When you're asked to explain and you're like,"Well, because I said so," there are more powerful ways to go about doing this.
• 11:29
  Ben: Okay?
• 11:29
  Ben: Here are some more powerful examples.
• 11:33
  Ben: Hey, gaming over the summer doesn't start until your chores are done." It's clear.
• 11:40
  Ben: When do I get to play video games?
• 11:41
  Ben: Oh, when the chores are done.
• 11:43
  Ben: Hey, look, when it's summertime, we're gonna let you stay up later, but keep in mind, your phone needs to charge in the kitchen.
• 11:52
  Ben: You can't have it in your room, and it needs to be there at this time." It's just clear.
• 11:57
  Ben: It leaves nothing to be doubted or questioned.
• 12:01
  Ben: a more powerful boundary could be something like,"Hey, if your chores aren't done by 5:00, you don't get access to the car tonight." It gives your teen just a clear understanding.
• 12:12
  Ben: "Oh, I need to get my chores done by this certain time if I wanna have access to the car." so there are ways to do boundaries that they fall into the old pattern.
• 12:23
  Ben: They're more reactive, and they create more fighting, more arguments.
• 12:28
  Ben: And then there are ways to create boundaries that start a new pattern that doesn't lead to fighting and doesn't lead to arguing.
• 12:38
  Ben: And so as you can understand this better way of setting boundaries, you're gonna start to realize, look, boundaries, just because me and my teen are on the same page, we understand expectations, it doesn't mean the boundary is soft.
• 12:52
  Ben: It just doesn't require fighting.
• 12:55
  Ben: And a lot of times parents think they need real hard, tough boundaries that lead to an argument so that the parent's like,"Oh, good.
• 13:02
  Ben: I set a good boundary.
• 13:03
  Ben: My teen doesn't like it." No, you can set a boundary that your teen is completely on board with, and they feel like they understand it and it's fair.
• 13:12
  Ben: And the best boundaries, they're clear.
• 13:15
  Ben: They're easy for the teen to understand.
• 13:17
  Ben: They get your teen on board because your teen has been able to chime in and they think, yeah, that makes sense.
• 13:23
  Ben: That's actually fair." And a lot of parents fall into this trap that they think that they only have two choices: either I have to be strict and controlling, or I can be nice and I can get walked on.
• 13:34
  Ben: And that's a trap.
• 13:36
  Ben: You do not need to be harsh.
• 13:39
  Ben: You just need to be clear.
• 13:40
  Ben: Here are some examples.
• 13:42
  Ben: Instead of saying things like,"Hey, stop being lazy and get your chores done," ask yourself,"What am I really expecting here?" That way you can get more clear.
• 13:52
  Ben: Like,"You know what?
• 13:53
  Ben: I want the dishwasher unloaded before dinner time so that after dinner we can load." That's clear.
• 14:00
  Ben: That tells them...
• 14:01
  Ben: Like you're not saying,"Quit being lazy and not unloading the dishwasher." You're giving them power.
• 14:06
  Ben: Like,"Look, I don't care when you unload the dishwasher.
• 14:09
  Ben: I just want you to do it in time so that when we're done eating dinner, we can load our dishes." Now the teen has the flexibility to choose,"When am I going to do this before this given time?" a lot of times as parents, we struggle setting boundaries because we're not as clear as we should be, and we don't create it in a way that can help get buy-in with your teenager.
• 14:37
  Ben: I want you, as you go into summertime, really explore how can I set boundaries with my teen that will empower them?
• 14:46
  Ben: What are some questions that I can ask?
• 14:49
  Ben: Like,"Hey, what do you think would be fair that if you do this chore, like what if you do get the dishwasher unloaded by the time we eat dinner?
• 15:00
  Ben: What do you think is fair?""Oh, it's fair that everybody else should have to load their own dishes because I did my part and unloaded the dishwasher." That empowers your teen.
• 15:10
  Ben: It gives them a voice, it gives them more freedom, and then you can move on to the next step.
• 15:15
  Ben: "Well, what do you think would be fair if you don't unload the dishwasher in time?" This is where teens are actually more thoughtful and more understanding than they're usually given the opportunity to show that.
• 15:29
  Ben: A lot of times if you ask your teen like,"Look, I want you to unload the dishwasher before dinner time.
• 15:34
  Ben: That way when everybody's done eating, they can load their own dishes.
• 15:38
  Ben: What do you think would be fair if you don't get the dishwasher unloaded in time?" When teens understand why you want what you want, they're way more likely to be like,"You know what?
• 15:48
  Ben: If I don't do it in time, I think it'd be fair that I have to load all the dishes since it wasn't unloaded for everyone else to load their own." And you can be like,"Yeah, I think that's fair too.
• 15:59
  Ben: Let's move forward with that boundary." And the truth is, it is empowering your teen.
• 16:05
  Ben: It's teaching them,"Look, there are consequences that come with your choices.
• 16:10
  Ben: If you choose to get the dishwasher unloaded in time, it comes with some sweet consequences of you not having to load everybody else's dishes.
• 16:18
  Ben: If you don't get it done in time, it comes with some sucky consequences that now you have to load everybody else's dishes." And your teen, if they can connect the dots, they will be more likely to buy in and understand,"Yeah, this is fair." when it comes to summertime, summer needs boundaries before these fights turn into battles.
• 16:43
  Ben: And oftentimes parents don't take the time to sit down with their teen and explore these boundaries before they become problems and before they become a fight.
• 16:54
  Ben: I want to invite you, going into summer, what are some conversations that you can have with your teenager to change the old pattern that's not working and create new patterns that work for you and your teen?
• 17:09
  Ben: Because summer, it gives your teen some more free time, but without this conversation and without some structure, that additional free time is likely to turn into a conflict between you and your teen, and you do not wanna wait until your teen has gamed for nine hours straight to talk to them about gaming.
• 17:33
  Ben: The best time to talk about a boundary around gaming is before summer has even started, before they've even had a chance to play for nine hours, before you or your teen has gotten upset.
• 17:47
  Ben: And this is important because your summer rules, they're going to fail if they're just threats with the fancy name of boundaries.
• 17:57
  Ben: But your summer rules or your summer boundaries are a huge opportunity to not only empower your teen, but to also have a powerful conversation and connect with your teen.
• 18:10
  Ben: And keep in mind, summer does not need to be overscheduled.
• 18:14
  Ben: This is one of the traps that I fall into.
• 18:16
  Ben: I'm like,"Oh, it's summertime.
• 18:17
  Ben: I can just load up your whole entire day with I want you to weed at this time.
• 18:22
  Ben: I want you to clean your room.
• 18:23
  Ben: I want you to do the dishes." You can, rather than making a big overwhelming list where you accidentally overschedule your teen's life, look at some of the results that you want Like, look, I want your room to be clean and I want to do a weekly check-in.
• 18:38
  Ben: Now you're not scripting it saying,"Look, you need to spend an hour cleaning your room." You can just be like, I don't care if it takes you five minutes or 60 minutes, I want you to have a clean room." Your teen gets to learn like,"Oh, I can do this fast or I can take forever, but I'm responsible for my room." And if this turns into a fight, I want you to remember there probably wasn't enough clarity and enough buy-in when it comes to that boundary.
• 19:08
  Ben: Because boundaries or freedom, in this case, without responsibility often create fights.
• 19:16
  Ben: Now, these are some of the areas that I see where moms and their teens struggle the most: screen time, gaming, sleep, chores.
• 19:27
  Ben: What's fair to expect?
• 19:29
  Ben: Like, how much work should the teen be doing throughout the summer?
• 19:33
  Ben: What's fair to expect when it comes to friends, snacking, driving, all of these type of things?
• 19:39
  Ben: I wanted to give you some examples.
• 19:41
  Ben: let's talk about video games.
• 19:43
  Ben: Like a weak boundary is something like,"Look, don't play video games too much." It just isn't clear.
• 19:51
  Ben: What I would do is I would go into a conversation.
• 19:53
  Ben: This would be a more powerful boundary, and I would ask my teen and I'd explore, What do you think would be fair when it comes to the amount of time that you spend on video games?
• 20:04
  Ben: What do you think it would be fair to expect for you to earn the privilege of playing video games?" And by exploring this, you can come up with a clear boundary like,"Look, video games don't start until your chores are done.
• 20:17
  Ben: And once that happens, you can play video games for X amount of time." It's more clear than just don't play too much, and it gives your teen a chance to buy in and participate in that conversation.
• 20:32
  Ben: Like,"Oh, I think it'd be fair if I could play for eight hours a day." Well, as a parent, you can be like,"Well, I can't get on board with eight hours.
• 20:40
  Ben: What do you think would be fair if I require you to do these chores before you play?
• 20:47
  Ben: What do you think would be fair for a time associated with the time that you're spending doing these chores?" And you're just having this conversation and honing in.
• 20:56
  Ben: It's like you're negotiating with your teen, and you're finding what they're willing to buy into.
• 21:01
  Ben: You're giving them a voice, and you're exploring what am I willing to buy into?
• 21:05
  Ben: For me personally I'm okay with my teens playing more video games if they're willing to do a little bit more to earn that privilege.
• 21:16
  Ben: So some powerful questions.
• 21:19
  Ben: What do you think some of your daily responsibilities could be before you get access to free time?
• 21:27
  Ben: What do you think are some fair things that you could do to earn access to the car this summer?
• 21:33
  Ben: You're just helping empower your teen.
• 21:36
  Ben: You're creating boundaries that they understand, that are clear, that they've bought into, and you're avoiding the same traps and the same patterns where you've created weak boundaries in the past that are like,"Don't stay out too late.
• 21:49
  Ben: Don't play video games too long." Going into summertime is the perfect time to create boundaries with your teen and to create them in a way where they feel seen, heard, listened to, and that really helps create more buy-in with your teenager with less drama, and it creates clarity not only for your teen, but also for you as a parent because you understand,"Hey, if you don't do this, this is what I will do." Or,"If you do this, this is what I'm willing to give you." And the goal is not to make your teen afraid of you.
• 22:31
  Ben: It's not to make them just blindly follow the rules.
• 22:35
  Ben: The goal is to help your teen connect their choices with the outcomes that they get in life, and that teaches responsibility.
• 22:46
  Ben: But sometimes even clear boundaries can fail if you don't know how to hold the line.
• 22:54
  Ben: Like,"Look, this is what we agreed upon.
• 22:56
  Ben: This is who I'm going to be." And even the best boundary, if you as a parent don't know how to hold that line, how to maintain that boundary, you're doing your teen a disservice, and you're likely either going to get pulled into a fight or you're going to let them walk all over you, which is going to create a fight in the future.
• 23:17
  Ben: So boundaries, you can totally do it this summer.
• 23:20
  Ben: Now is the time.
• 23:22
  Ben: Get your teen to buy in.
• 23:24
  Ben: And to help you do this, I'm going to be hosting a workshop where we will go deeper into to actually build boundaries that not only does your teen understand, but it involves your teen, and it involves them without you as a parent giving away your role or your authority, and yet it gives them a voice, and it helps you support your teen without it turning into a fight.
• 23:52
  Ben: And if your boundaries only work when you get mad and yell at your teen, I promise you there's a better way.
• 24:01
  Ben: If your boundaries require fighting and an argument, there's a better way without fighting, without arguing.
• 24:08
  Ben: And the best boundaries create clarity for you and your teen.
• 24:13
  Ben: They create responsibility for you and your teen, and they do it with less fighting, with less drama.
• 24:21
  Ben: So I want to invite you to come join me for this workshop.
• 24:27
  Ben: It's going to teach you step by step how to create boundaries in a way that empower your teen and completely do away with arguments.
• 24:38
  Ben: It'll help you do it in a way where it's so clear that your teen understands exactly what's going on.
• 24:43
  Ben: You understand.
• 24:44
  Ben: You both feel like it's fair.
• 24:46
  Ben: The truth is, if you can't explain a boundary clearly when you're calm, you're definitely not going to be able to hold that boundary well when either you or your teen are upset.
• 24:58
  Ben: And that doesn't mean that you're failing.
• 25:00
  Ben: It just means that you need a little bit more support in how to set up boundaries.
• 25:06
  Ben: So if you're thinking that,"Man, this is exactly what happens in my house.
• 25:12
  Ben: I need help doing it a better way," I want to invite you to my live workshop,"Boundaries That Don't Suck." It's happening June 2nd, and it's only$7.
• 25:24
  Ben: And you'll get the replay.
• 25:26
  Ben: You'll get a screensaver for your phone to help you remember the exact steps that I'm going to teach you, and we're going to talk about how you can set boundaries that don't turn into fights, not boundaries that are just threats that we call boundaries, not boundaries where you have to yell and lecture or beg or take everything away from your teen, and they're not boundaries where you just give in because you're exhausted and you're tired of fighting.
• 25:55
  Ben: We're going to talk about how you can create more clarity, more responsibility, and less fighting.
• 26:02
  Ben: especially around the big things that tend to blow up during summertime, like screen time, gaming, chores, sleep.
• 26:10
  Ben: Because if you want this summer to feel different, if you want to empower your teen and really help them grow and mature this summer, you need a different pattern before summer turns into one big old fight.
• 26:26
  Ben: So come join me for Boundaries That Don't Suck on June 2nd.
• 26:31
  Ben: Again, it's only seven bucks.
• 26:33
  Ben: You will get the replay.
• 26:35
  Ben: All you have to do is go to benpughcoaching.com/boundariesworkshop and save your seat today.
• 26:40
  Ben: And remember this, your teen doesn't need you to control every choice.
• 26:45
  Ben: They need you to lead clearly, calmly, consistently, and that's where your boundaries are going to stop turning into fights, and that's where everything is gonna change for you and your teen.
• 26:59
  Ben: I'll see you soon.