Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 398. Travel vs. Stability & Tackling Energy Vampires Head Noise

Transcript

398. Travel vs. Stability & Tackling Energy Vampires Head Noise · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:17
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans of the land. Welcome to the podcast
0:22
Speaker 1: episode of today. This is another head Noise episode. This
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Speaker 1: is a listener question episode where you guys email me
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Speaker 1: in your questions and I answer them to the best
0:31
Speaker 1: of my ability. Sometimes I'm not able to give you
0:33
Speaker 1: exactly what to do, but I try at most times
0:37
Speaker 1: to give you kind of different ways of framing it.
0:40
Speaker 1: Like if you're in a situation where you actually cannot
0:42
Speaker 1: change you know, what's going on, then maybe there's like
0:45
Speaker 1: a different way that you can mentally frame it so
0:47
Speaker 1: you can deal with it in the most productive way possible.
0:49
Speaker 1: So I always try and give some kind of nugget
0:52
Speaker 1: of whatever you want to call it, inspiration or advice.
0:57
Speaker 1: Let's dive straight into it. So this one is called
1:00
Speaker 1: traveling versus Stability. You guys know, I love this topic.
1:03
Speaker 1: I love this topic. Hi, Alexis absolutely adore your pod
1:07
Speaker 1: in everything that you do. I've been listening for years
1:10
Speaker 1: and all your advice has helped me overcome some of
1:12
Speaker 1: the biggest hurdles I've had to face in this life.
1:15
Speaker 1: I twenty one years am finishing up my bachelor's degree
1:18
Speaker 1: in psychology in a few months. Congratulations and I'm torn
1:21
Speaker 1: in a few different directions. On the one hand, I've
1:24
Speaker 1: always wanted to move to Florence, Italy and then travel
1:27
Speaker 1: the world because it's something I never did growing up,
1:30
Speaker 1: and like you say, the time is now, Yes it is.
1:33
Speaker 1: But on the other hand, some of my best friends
1:36
Speaker 1: are where I am now, and I'm not sure if
1:38
Speaker 1: i want to close this chapter in my life. In
1:41
Speaker 1: other words, I'm presuming like you're all doing it kind
1:43
Speaker 1: of together. I'm guessing, is what you mean. I'm torn
1:46
Speaker 1: because my current UNI has fantastic masters programs for professional counseling,
1:50
Speaker 1: and the safe slash stable choice would be to choose
1:53
Speaker 1: my career. But I just have this nagging each to
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Speaker 1: get out of my comfort zone. So for the long message,
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Speaker 1: it's not even a long message. It's fine and always
2:00
Speaker 1: appreciate all that you do. Okay, this is a fucking
2:03
Speaker 1: no brainer in my opinion. Your university is going nowhere.
2:06
Speaker 1: You're twenty one, You're a fetus in the scheme of life.
2:10
Speaker 1: Go to Florence. Your friends are your friends. They're always
2:14
Speaker 1: going to be your friends. If you've got a good
2:15
Speaker 1: bond with your friends, they're always going to be your friends.
2:18
Speaker 1: You know, like your master's degree, your other pro you're
2:21
Speaker 1: twenty one, the time is now. You just quoted me.
2:24
Speaker 1: I'm going to fucking say it again that university is
2:27
Speaker 1: going nowhere. I started my masters when I was thirty
2:32
Speaker 1: or twenty nine, turning thirty that year. It's you have
2:35
Speaker 1: time on your hands, but you also want to use
2:39
Speaker 1: that time wisely. And your twenties, I mean, you can
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Speaker 1: travel whenever you want, but your twenties are the decade
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Speaker 1: of trial and error, exploration, adventure, absorbing, absorbing experiences. So
2:54
Speaker 1: you are as equipped as possible to know what you
2:57
Speaker 1: want and know what you don't want later on in life.
2:59
Speaker 1: The more you can give yourself in life, the easier
3:02
Speaker 1: it is to have clarity to where you want a
3:04
Speaker 1: head in your life. Okay, so if you have this
3:07
Speaker 1: niggling thing of like I really wanted to travel the world.
3:09
Speaker 1: I want to go to finance, there is no reason
3:12
Speaker 1: that you can't go. Your friends aren't going anywhere. I mean,
3:15
Speaker 1: they might travel somewhere, but they're your friends. They're going
3:17
Speaker 1: to be your friends regardless of where you are in
3:19
Speaker 1: the world. Your course that you do, that you choose
3:22
Speaker 1: to do, you can start when you're twenty two, when
3:25
Speaker 1: you're twenty three, when you're twenty four, and you're still
3:27
Speaker 1: going to be a spring chicken. Okay. There's just absolutely
3:31
Speaker 1: not one reason that I can think of that you
3:35
Speaker 1: shouldn't go and travel. Okay. The only reason I think
3:38
Speaker 1: people shouldn't go and travel is if they just don't
3:40
Speaker 1: want to travel. If someone's like, yeah, that doesn't interest me,
3:43
Speaker 1: perfect reason, perfect reason. But for you, you have no
3:47
Speaker 1: reason now, zero reasons, because everything that you want you
3:51
Speaker 1: can still have just a bit later. You know, it's
3:54
Speaker 1: not like you there's no like if I choose this,
3:56
Speaker 1: then I can never have that. You can have it all,
3:59
Speaker 1: but just not at the same time. So I would
4:01
Speaker 1: travel now, fucking you know? Do it get? And also,
4:05
Speaker 1: this is the beauty of it. When you go traveling,
4:07
Speaker 1: it opens your eyes into You might go traveling and think, wow,
4:11
Speaker 1: I met this person, I had this experience, and then
4:13
Speaker 1: I had this and it led me to do this
4:14
Speaker 1: and I extended my trip and now, yes, I want
4:17
Speaker 1: to do my master's, but now I discovered that I
4:19
Speaker 1: want to specialize in this thing that I never thought
4:21
Speaker 1: I would have specialized in. Or I want to go
4:24
Speaker 1: down this particular part of psychology, or you know something
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Speaker 1: related to psychology that I never would have discovered had
4:31
Speaker 1: I not traveled the world and met different people and
4:33
Speaker 1: been in different situations. It's a huge eye opening experience,
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Speaker 1: not just because you see different parts of the world,
4:38
Speaker 1: but because you meet people that you never would have met.
4:40
Speaker 1: You have conversations, even conversations with people that's just one
4:43
Speaker 1: night and you never see them again. You have conversations
4:46
Speaker 1: with people that you never would have spoken to. You
4:47
Speaker 1: get perspective, you get enriched with just ideas and knowledge.
4:51
Speaker 1: You're going basically, you're going bon voyage. I'm so excited
4:54
Speaker 1: for you. Send me photos from Florence. Next question, Energy
5:00
Speaker 1: Vampire A friend slash housematee slash work mate? Ah is
5:04
Speaker 1: the title? Love this so much? Contwait to get into it, Hi, Lovely.
5:08
Speaker 1: I'm needing some advice, some serious advice on a friend
5:12
Speaker 1: I have. We've been good friends for years. She lived
5:15
Speaker 1: overseas and moved back to Australia not long ago. I
5:17
Speaker 1: was needing to move out of my house due to
5:19
Speaker 1: my least ending and she was moving back to Australia
5:22
Speaker 1: at the same time, so we thought it would be
5:24
Speaker 1: perfect to move in together. I've recently discovered that she
5:28
Speaker 1: is an energy vampire unintentionally. We live and work together,
5:33
Speaker 1: and I'm struggling to be around her. I feel drained, stressed,
5:36
Speaker 1: and anxious because she does nothing but complain spiral and
5:40
Speaker 1: her brain is so chaotic that it overwhelms me. I
5:44
Speaker 1: never realized this until living together, and now I don't
5:47
Speaker 1: know what to do. She's a beautiful person, but I've
5:49
Speaker 1: just realized she's too intense for me to be around
5:52
Speaker 1: all the time. I live in a beautiful home that
5:54
Speaker 1: I've manifested for myself, so I don't really want to
5:56
Speaker 1: move out. Any help, Please, love you and the potty. Alright,
6:01
Speaker 1: you're in a really difficult situation. You're in a fucking
6:03
Speaker 1: difficult situation. And the reason I say that is because
6:06
Speaker 1: something's going to give. All right, ask yourself if, okay,
6:10
Speaker 1: you don't want to move out of this home that
6:11
Speaker 1: you're in, But if you were to turn around and
6:13
Speaker 1: kick her out, I'm guessing the friendship would like imagine
6:16
Speaker 1: you imagine saying you're a fucking hectic, don't want to
6:18
Speaker 1: live with you. You've got to go. That's not going
6:21
Speaker 1: to go down. That'll go down like a fucking lead balloon,
6:23
Speaker 1: and then she's going to probably not want to talk
6:26
Speaker 1: to you, and then you've got to work together, and
6:28
Speaker 1: then it's going to be hectic. So first you got
6:29
Speaker 1: to ask yourself do I want this person in my life?
6:32
Speaker 1: Because if the answer is, you know what, fuck fuck her,
6:34
Speaker 1: I don't want her in my life at all, then
6:36
Speaker 1: it's the solution will be easier. But you might be like, no, no,
6:39
Speaker 1: I want her in my life, but I want her
6:40
Speaker 1: in my life how she used to be in my
6:42
Speaker 1: life where it's at arm's length, where friends, but I'm
6:45
Speaker 1: not dealing with her constantly because she's so intense and
6:47
Speaker 1: it's doing my head in. I'm guessing that's where you
6:49
Speaker 1: are at. So in that scenario, other than the obvious
6:54
Speaker 1: of have you spoken to her, have you trut which
6:57
Speaker 1: is hard to speak to people because when people are
6:59
Speaker 1: not aware, it's really difficult to raise these things with people,
7:03
Speaker 1: especially when it's their entire personality. Like, how do you
7:05
Speaker 1: raise a topic to someone about their whole personality saying
7:10
Speaker 1: that's the problem you, Your whole personality is the problem.
7:13
Speaker 1: Like that's really hard to do. But you can still
7:16
Speaker 1: talk to her saying, hey, I've noticed that when I
7:20
Speaker 1: get home, I really like having a little bit of
7:23
Speaker 1: like alone time to decompress, Like I just want to
7:25
Speaker 1: decompress for like a couple of hours, just to whatever,
7:27
Speaker 1: and then maybe we could recommend a little bit later.
7:30
Speaker 1: I'm presuming that you've already thought about all the possibilities
7:32
Speaker 1: of how you can make your life better. But really,
7:36
Speaker 1: at the end of the day, the only solution is
7:38
Speaker 1: the one in which you have control over. So you've
7:42
Speaker 1: got to ask yourself, do I want to live here
7:44
Speaker 1: in misery? Or am I willing to move out and
7:49
Speaker 1: leave the situation? If I were in your position, I
7:51
Speaker 1: know you manifested this house, and I know that you
7:53
Speaker 1: love this house, but what's the point of being in
7:56
Speaker 1: a house that you're miserable in? Okay, And I don't
7:59
Speaker 1: know how honest you want to be with your friend,
8:02
Speaker 1: But you also have to think, like at some point
8:05
Speaker 1: something's going to give. She may want to resign her lease,
8:08
Speaker 1: or she may move where I'm moving, or she may
8:10
Speaker 1: not want to leave. So like, how honest am I
8:12
Speaker 1: going to be with her? Where I'd say I can't
8:14
Speaker 1: live with you because I think it's very fair, there's
8:19
Speaker 1: nothing wrong, and I would encourage you if you felt
8:22
Speaker 1: comfortable to actually speak to her and say, you know what,
8:25
Speaker 1: I fucking love you as a friend, but I actually
8:27
Speaker 1: don't think we're compatible housemates. I think we actually differ
8:30
Speaker 1: quite a bit, you know, and you don't have to
8:32
Speaker 1: put it all on her, but you might be like,
8:34
Speaker 1: I've realized that I just get stimulated quite easily, and
8:39
Speaker 1: you know, like you want to like decompress and talk
8:42
Speaker 1: about things, whereas I kind of want to tap out.
8:43
Speaker 1: And I feel like we're probably you know, it was
8:45
Speaker 1: probably better before we lived with each other. I think
8:48
Speaker 1: that's worth saying. I don't know how comfortable you are
8:50
Speaker 1: saying that to her, but I think to start that conversation,
8:52
Speaker 1: because you know, you get them talking and then you
8:54
Speaker 1: hopefully raise some awareness in there. But let's say she's
8:57
Speaker 1: never going to change. Let's presume this is her it's
9:00
Speaker 1: never going to change. Then that whittles it down to
9:03
Speaker 1: two options. You kick her out or you yourself leave,
9:06
Speaker 1: or I don't know how long you've been living with her,
9:08
Speaker 1: have you said it it seems like not that long.
9:11
Speaker 1: Or you end to the lease and you both go
9:13
Speaker 1: your separate ways. Okay, So I think You've got to
9:16
Speaker 1: think what is the most valuable thing to me right now?
9:20
Speaker 1: If you are not willing for the friendship to end,
9:22
Speaker 1: then I think kicking her out is not going to
9:24
Speaker 1: be good. So ending the lease for whatever reason, or
9:26
Speaker 1: you moving out is going to be the solution. But
9:30
Speaker 1: I really hate this position that you're in because I
9:32
Speaker 1: feel like you're kind of stuck. And I also think
9:34
Speaker 1: that this is going to make your friendship suffer. Regardless
9:37
Speaker 1: even if you move out, it's never going to be
9:38
Speaker 1: the same. You've seen a part of her that's given
9:40
Speaker 1: you the ick as a friend, and now you're really
9:42
Speaker 1: going to struggle to come back from that to what
9:44
Speaker 1: it used to be. I've been in that position before.
9:46
Speaker 1: Trust me, I've been in that position. And then you
9:48
Speaker 1: see a side of someone that you're like, this is
9:50
Speaker 1: actually the real you, and it's driving me insane. And
9:53
Speaker 1: I can still have them in my life, but it's
9:54
Speaker 1: never the same again. Like I've just like I put
9:57
Speaker 1: I put fucking boundaries up, I step away, I protect
10:00
Speaker 1: my space. Like sometimes people do things and it doesn't
10:02
Speaker 1: ever make them a bad person, but it makes you
10:03
Speaker 1: lose the fucking plot and you're like, I can't be
10:06
Speaker 1: around this person anymore. All right. So really it's hard
10:09
Speaker 1: for me to give you advice on this situation because
10:11
Speaker 1: every everywhere your turn is going to be difficult. But
10:14
Speaker 1: if I were you, let's say she's not going to change. Let'
10:18
Speaker 1: say I've done all the talks, I've done everything I
10:19
Speaker 1: could do, and she's not going to change, then I
10:21
Speaker 1: would move out. Okay, I know you don't want to
10:24
Speaker 1: move out, but the only alternative is to kick her out.
10:27
Speaker 1: So you've got to ask yourself, what do I rather
10:29
Speaker 1: kick her out or mean we'll move out or end
10:32
Speaker 1: the lease? All right, but the most abrasive thing from
10:37
Speaker 1: her perspective is for you to kick her out. But
10:39
Speaker 1: also if you move out, she's going to know that
10:41
Speaker 1: something's wrong anyway. So I think honesty, as hard as
10:44
Speaker 1: it is, is going to be the best policy. I
10:45
Speaker 1: think you should raise to her. Listen, I actually don't
10:48
Speaker 1: think we're compatible. Love you, but we're not compatible to
10:51
Speaker 1: live together. How do you think we should navigate this?
10:53
Speaker 1: Do you think that? Do you agree? Do you disagree?
10:56
Speaker 1: And get her opinion on it? But you need to
10:58
Speaker 1: end the least Basically, you need to tap the fuck
11:00
Speaker 1: out of this thing. And yeah, yeah, hey, that's so much.
11:04
Speaker 1: But in the meantime, I would be putting in some
11:08
Speaker 1: strong boundaries. I would be getting home from work and saying, hey, babe,
11:11
Speaker 1: I'm just going to take a couple of hours to
11:12
Speaker 1: decompress and walk away, walk the fuck away, And when
11:16
Speaker 1: she starts complaining about something and being like, Babe, I understand,
11:19
Speaker 1: but You've already complained to me about this, and I'm
11:20
Speaker 1: just trying to like keep a clear mind because I've
11:22
Speaker 1: been a bit stressed about other things, and then walk away. Okay,
11:25
Speaker 1: there's little things that you can do to put out
11:27
Speaker 1: the small fires, kind of being like, I'm not going
11:29
Speaker 1: to listen to you complain. There's a difference between you
11:31
Speaker 1: having a hard time and venting versus you coming to
11:34
Speaker 1: me and winging and winging and winging and winging and
11:36
Speaker 1: fucking grinding me down to a nub of a human being. Okay,
11:40
Speaker 1: So you can always put someone in their place when
11:42
Speaker 1: they're you know, or like something that I sometimes do.
11:45
Speaker 1: If someone always complains about the same thing, just be like, oh, no, no,
11:47
Speaker 1: I know, baby, you already told me that yesterday. And
11:49
Speaker 1: then I'll change the topic, kind of being like I'm
11:51
Speaker 1: not the person that you can vent to about the
11:53
Speaker 1: same shit again and again. It's different if someone's heart
11:56
Speaker 1: broken and grieving and going through an emotional thing, but
11:58
Speaker 1: if someone's just winging for sac of winging, I'm not
12:01
Speaker 1: here for it. Okay, hopefully that helped. I don't know
12:05
Speaker 1: if that helped, to be honest, since since next question, Hi, Alexis,
12:31
Speaker 1: I'm a huge fan of the podcast and your new app.
12:34
Speaker 1: You're a fucking legend and I would love some of
12:36
Speaker 1: your advice. I'm in my early twenties and while I've
12:39
Speaker 1: been on many dates, I have never been in a
12:40
Speaker 1: relationship or anything that comes close. For context, I've had
12:44
Speaker 1: some mental health struggles growing up that require me to
12:46
Speaker 1: focus my energy on my relationship with myself. I'm now
12:49
Speaker 1: in the best place I've ever been, and I've even
12:52
Speaker 1: been solo traveling for three months last year, which further
12:55
Speaker 1: strengthened my resilience and relationship with myself perfect. I'm loving everything.
13:00
Speaker 1: I've recently started dating a guy who is everything I
13:02
Speaker 1: have wanted in a partner and more. He's kind, wise, intelligent,
13:06
Speaker 1: a good listener, and he makes me feel safe and
13:09
Speaker 1: he's attractive too. We are now exclusive. I love this.
13:12
Speaker 1: This is perfect. He has made it very clear that
13:14
Speaker 1: he really likes me, and he takes the effort to
13:16
Speaker 1: point out my positive attributes physical, intellectual, the way that
13:20
Speaker 1: I contribute to the relationship. He is green flags all around.
13:23
Speaker 1: I really like him. The problem is that I'm struggling
13:27
Speaker 1: to feel worthy of the relationship. I thought that I
13:29
Speaker 1: had built a strong foundation of confidence and assurance in myself. However,
13:34
Speaker 1: this new relationship has illuminated the deep beliefs I still
13:37
Speaker 1: hold onto about my worth. I've found myself getting in
13:40
Speaker 1: my head a lot and overthinking the way that I'm
13:42
Speaker 1: showing up, and I fear that he would decide that
13:44
Speaker 1: I'm not good enough and leave. I know rationally that
13:47
Speaker 1: relationships are about fit and not about being good enough.
13:50
Speaker 1: I learned this from you, but I still feel this
13:53
Speaker 1: pervasive anxiety. My question to you is how can I
13:56
Speaker 1: go about working through this. Is this something that I
13:59
Speaker 1: have to work through by myself or is this something
14:01
Speaker 1: that is better healed through the relationship. Love you so
14:04
Speaker 1: much and so grateful for any wisdom you can share. Okay, amazing,
14:08
Speaker 1: amazing question. Now, the way I'm going to address this
14:11
Speaker 1: is look technically, yes, it's something that must be healed
14:16
Speaker 1: through you. I think it's perfectly normal to be open
14:19
Speaker 1: about your journey. The reason I say through you is
14:21
Speaker 1: because I feel like he's already, from what you've explained,
14:25
Speaker 1: given you a very safe like he's doing exactly what
14:29
Speaker 1: you would want if you were to say to your partner, hey,
14:31
Speaker 1: I need your help in making me feel what he's
14:33
Speaker 1: a green flags all around. Everything that he seems to
14:37
Speaker 1: be bringing to the relationship is just positive, positive, positive.
14:39
Speaker 1: So of course I think it's healthy to communicate how
14:42
Speaker 1: you're feeling. I don't think there's anything wrong with opening
14:44
Speaker 1: up and being honest about how you're feeling. However, it
14:48
Speaker 1: is ultimately what exists within you that is causing this problem.
14:52
Speaker 1: There's nothing that he's done or is not doing that
14:55
Speaker 1: is making this because really, the better he is, the
14:57
Speaker 1: more unworthy you feel of relationship. Okay, but one thing
15:02
Speaker 1: I want to highlight to you is that you're saying
15:06
Speaker 1: that you thought you had built a strong foundation of confidence. However,
15:11
Speaker 1: this has illuminated the deep. You've got to look at
15:13
Speaker 1: it as steps. It's not like, oh I thought i'd
15:16
Speaker 1: done it this work, but it was a big fucking line.
15:18
Speaker 1: I actually turns out that I've not done the work
15:19
Speaker 1: and I'm back to square one. It's not it's a step.
15:23
Speaker 1: He represents the next step on your journey, okay, of
15:28
Speaker 1: self growth, self love, self respect. Right, don't look at
15:32
Speaker 1: it as this is a step back. This is the
15:34
Speaker 1: next step where I'm being My beliefs are being challenged again. Okay.
15:40
Speaker 1: It's bringing up the old ones back to the surface
15:42
Speaker 1: to see if they still a lie or are they true.
15:45
Speaker 1: The brain does this to us all the time. Every
15:47
Speaker 1: time we come across something that doesn't feel right or
15:49
Speaker 1: doesn't align with what has been a constant in our lives,
15:53
Speaker 1: then we think, could be could this not be? Like
15:56
Speaker 1: we psych ourselves out of the time. Okay, but don't
15:59
Speaker 1: think that all the work that you've done up until
16:01
Speaker 1: now has not actually been the work and that it
16:04
Speaker 1: hasn't been helping, because it has. This is just the
16:06
Speaker 1: next step up. And the reason why it's the next
16:08
Speaker 1: step up is because it's getting you in a position
16:11
Speaker 1: where probably what you used to be like where validation
16:13
Speaker 1: would come from outside sources. Anyone that struggles with self
16:17
Speaker 1: esteem and self love struggles to validate and feel valid
16:21
Speaker 1: on their own okay. That is the crux of the
16:24
Speaker 1: issue with self confidence and self love. You're seeking it
16:26
Speaker 1: from the outside and then you're not confident to get
16:28
Speaker 1: it because if it's a negative then you feel like, fuck, well,
16:31
Speaker 1: I'm not good enough. But if someone who is completely
16:34
Speaker 1: validating within themselves, they're not so scared to put themselves
16:37
Speaker 1: out because they're like, oh, that person doesn't like me,
16:39
Speaker 1: not I am now not good enough. Okay, So you've
16:42
Speaker 1: got to look at it as I am still on
16:45
Speaker 1: this process of validating myself, and when it comes to
16:48
Speaker 1: really really good relationships, you can fall into the trap
16:52
Speaker 1: of starting to think this is too good to be
16:54
Speaker 1: true and if this broke apart, I don't know what
16:57
Speaker 1: I do. And that's where the self love and self
17:01
Speaker 1: confidence starts to really creep in, because you start to
17:04
Speaker 1: think they are too good to be true. You put
17:07
Speaker 1: the person on a pedestal. Then you imagine, I've had
17:10
Speaker 1: it so good, I'm so scared to lose it because
17:12
Speaker 1: if they lose it, in confirms my true beliefs about
17:15
Speaker 1: myself that they actually were too good for me and
17:16
Speaker 1: that I'm not good enough, and then that just reinforces
17:18
Speaker 1: that I'm never going to get someone as good as them. Again,
17:21
Speaker 1: that's the story that we tell ourselves. So instead of that,
17:26
Speaker 1: your focus has to be yes still obviously, like put
17:30
Speaker 1: the energy into the relationship as you should, and as
17:32
Speaker 1: he is. You're matching that energy, you're bringing you're bringing
17:35
Speaker 1: your best self to the relationship. But your focus has
17:37
Speaker 1: to be completely on you. Okay. This has got to
17:40
Speaker 1: do with your relationship with yourself, and that shines through
17:43
Speaker 1: in what you're feeling reflected back to you by the relationship,
17:47
Speaker 1: your romantic relationship. So you have to always remind yourself
17:52
Speaker 1: of what are things where I've proven my resilience, you know,
17:55
Speaker 1: because you always want to say to yourself and this
17:57
Speaker 1: sounds awful, and it's not. I don't want you to
17:58
Speaker 1: always think if you're in a healthyer relationship. I'm not
18:00
Speaker 1: saying constantly remind yourself that if it ends, you'll be fine.
18:04
Speaker 1: But it's not that. It's you want to know deep down.
18:07
Speaker 1: The aim is to feel, deep down that you actually
18:12
Speaker 1: are okay if it doesn't work out, and if this
18:16
Speaker 1: person decides to leave you one day. This fallacy that
18:19
Speaker 1: we tell ourselves that would I would die if I
18:22
Speaker 1: didn't get this if this person left me, we also
18:24
Speaker 1: need to look at it differently. Instead of saying I'm
18:27
Speaker 1: so lucky to have gotten this person, I'm so lucky
18:30
Speaker 1: that this person came for me. This is just luck.
18:33
Speaker 1: They're going to leave me, They're going to realize that
18:35
Speaker 1: I'm not good enough, and then I'm never going to
18:36
Speaker 1: get something. Instead of looking at it that way, why
18:39
Speaker 1: don't you look at it as, huh, here's an example
18:41
Speaker 1: of what I'm worthy of. If this person's in my
18:43
Speaker 1: life and they're such a good person, it's an example
18:46
Speaker 1: of what I am deserving off. And if this example
18:49
Speaker 1: presents itself here, I'm going to nurture it as much
18:52
Speaker 1: as possible. But if for whatever reason, it didn't work out,
18:55
Speaker 1: it has proven to me that this is available for
18:58
Speaker 1: me out there. That's the already that you're going to change.
19:00
Speaker 1: You're not going to sound I'm so lucky, I'm so lucky.
19:02
Speaker 1: You can be grateful to have someone in your life,
19:05
Speaker 1: but to tell yourself that it's out of luck that
19:07
Speaker 1: you were dating a great person is a massive disservice
19:09
Speaker 1: to yourself because it's not luck. Okay, you he's dating
19:14
Speaker 1: you because he knows your character. There's nothing to do
19:16
Speaker 1: with luck there. Okay, he's dating you because he's gotten
19:20
Speaker 1: to know you and he is an adult making a
19:24
Speaker 1: decision with consent. Okay, he's not under a spell. He's
19:28
Speaker 1: choosing to be with you. If then through the through
19:31
Speaker 1: the relationship things break down and then he chooses to
19:34
Speaker 1: not be there. It's not because he's like, oh, you're
19:36
Speaker 1: absolutely not good enough. It's because he's realized we're just
19:39
Speaker 1: not compatible. Because if he didn't think you were good enough,
19:42
Speaker 1: you wouldn't be dating, especially someone that healthy, especially someone
19:45
Speaker 1: who's that healthy. If a green walking wheat green flag
19:48
Speaker 1: like that didn't think you were good enough, he wouldn't
19:51
Speaker 1: be with you. Okay, simple because he's normal, nice, kind
19:56
Speaker 1: human being and he's not going to fuck around and
19:58
Speaker 1: waste his time being like, oh, I'm just going to
20:01
Speaker 1: fuck with this person. So there's a power player, but
20:03
Speaker 1: I actually think they're lesser than me, and that's not
20:05
Speaker 1: the case in this situation. He says that you're worthy
20:09
Speaker 1: and you see that he's worthy. So you've entered a
20:10
Speaker 1: relationship together. That's what's happening. So you need to change
20:13
Speaker 1: your language. You need to say this is an example
20:16
Speaker 1: of what's available for me. Thank you, Thank you for
20:19
Speaker 1: showing me what's available for me. And I like this,
20:22
Speaker 1: I like where it's heading, and I really hope that
20:24
Speaker 1: we can stay doing this because I really like it.
20:26
Speaker 1: But if it didn't work out, thank you for showing
20:29
Speaker 1: me what is available for me, because I now know
20:31
Speaker 1: where the bar is for me. I now know what
20:33
Speaker 1: I'm deserving off. I now know even more insight into
20:37
Speaker 1: a healthy relationship. Every time you're in a healthy relationship,
20:40
Speaker 1: you learn more about how to be a healthy partner.
20:42
Speaker 1: So it's just good, good, good, good good. You need
20:45
Speaker 1: to change your language around it. You need to keep
20:46
Speaker 1: focusing on it from that aspect, and you also have
20:49
Speaker 1: to focus on the fact that if it didn't work out,
20:53
Speaker 1: you are still you. Fifty percent of what you experience
20:56
Speaker 1: in that relationship is what you bring to the table.
20:59
Speaker 1: So when someone dumps you, it's not oh my god,
21:01
Speaker 1: they took everything away from me. I brought fifty percent
21:04
Speaker 1: of that shit to the relationship. I brought humor, I
21:06
Speaker 1: brought half of the experiences we had involved me. I
21:10
Speaker 1: brought the memories. I brought good shit too, and so
21:12
Speaker 1: I'm taking a lot of that with me too. So
21:14
Speaker 1: if this were to break down, I actually have a
21:16
Speaker 1: lot to offer, you know, so I was For example,
21:18
Speaker 1: I've got I've spoken about him a thousand times. My
21:20
Speaker 1: partner's unbelievable. I fucking loved Tyrone. I adore that man.
21:25
Speaker 1: But if he was to leave me, would I be heartbroken? Absolutely,
21:28
Speaker 1: I'd be fucking heartbroken. I'd like I'd have to have
21:30
Speaker 1: everyone come over and cook me foe because I wouldn't
21:32
Speaker 1: want to eat for an extended period of time. But
21:33
Speaker 1: I know that I would be good enough. I would
21:36
Speaker 1: be okay, and I would recover, and I would fall
21:39
Speaker 1: in love again. Likely maybe, but I would. I would
21:41
Speaker 1: imagine that I would. It's you know, you've got to
21:44
Speaker 1: look at it as if someone doesn't want to be
21:47
Speaker 1: with me, it's because they are on their journey, they
21:51
Speaker 1: are experiencing in their life. I don't experience life through
21:53
Speaker 1: that person's lens, just like they don't experience life through
21:56
Speaker 1: my lens. Nobody experiences your life through your lens. Okay,
21:59
Speaker 1: So I know it's hard from your history, but you've
22:02
Speaker 1: got to look at it as this relationship has represented
22:05
Speaker 1: another challenge that I'm going to unlock on my journey
22:08
Speaker 1: to self love. Healing, confidence and all of that. It's
22:12
Speaker 1: just presented me with the mirror again, and it's saying
22:15
Speaker 1: you're up for the challenger. You're not, and you are
22:17
Speaker 1: up for the challenge. Okay, you just need to change
22:20
Speaker 1: your wording, change your perspective, just shift it a little bit,
22:24
Speaker 1: because everyone could look at the same object and see
22:26
Speaker 1: it from a different angle. Okay, So I when you
22:28
Speaker 1: to look at the same thing that you're looking at
22:30
Speaker 1: and turn it around and look at it from a
22:32
Speaker 1: different angle, because it's not you're lucky that he's with you,
22:36
Speaker 1: it is we are both in this relationship. And I've
22:40
Speaker 1: now been given a prime example of what it is
22:42
Speaker 1: that I am worthy of receiving a healthy relationship because
22:46
Speaker 1: I am being a healthy person in this relationship. I
22:48
Speaker 1: get what I give, and I'm giving this energy and
22:52
Speaker 1: I'm getting it back. Thank you so much, thank you.
22:54
Speaker 1: So if this ended, it's not oh my god, oh
22:56
Speaker 1: so like it's never going to happen again. It's I
22:57
Speaker 1: just got an example of what's out there for me. Amazing.
23:01
Speaker 1: Hopefully that helped. Love you so much, Love you guys
23:04
Speaker 1: for sending in your questions. I think I've got one more,
23:08
Speaker 1: do I oh, one more question? Sorry, one what question? Okay?
23:14
Speaker 1: Here we go. Okay, So I've flirted with the idea
23:18
Speaker 1: of dropping out of UNI multiple times, but I've never
23:21
Speaker 1: really committed my heart and soul into it. So I
23:24
Speaker 1: know if I drop out in ten years time, I
23:26
Speaker 1: will realize that my commitment was never there. This is
23:29
Speaker 1: my second attempt at a degree in psychology, and I
23:33
Speaker 1: haven't been attending UNI as the lectures feel like a drag.
23:36
Speaker 1: There are people in my life who judge me for
23:37
Speaker 1: not attending, which makes me feel fearful that I'm taking
23:41
Speaker 1: my approach to UNI the wrong way. But when I
23:43
Speaker 1: was attending, I felt I was feeling burnt out and
23:46
Speaker 1: was leaving everything until the last minute. Now I'm a
23:48
Speaker 1: bit better, but I struggle to properly relate to the
23:50
Speaker 1: content because I've always had the mindset that there isn't
23:53
Speaker 1: enough time to look into it on a deeper level,
23:55
Speaker 1: to be able to appreciate the knowledge being handed to me.
23:58
Speaker 1: To some extent, that is true, But how do I
24:00
Speaker 1: get out of this cycle of feeling there isn't enough time,
24:04
Speaker 1: There isn't enough of me to go around. While I
24:06
Speaker 1: spend fifty percent of my time doom scrolling or distracting
24:08
Speaker 1: myself from my work. Anyway. It's a really interesting question
24:13
Speaker 1: because I'm getting the vibe that you fucking hate it.
24:16
Speaker 1: And if you know that you hate it, then why
24:17
Speaker 1: are you there? You shouldn't be doing a course that
24:19
Speaker 1: you're like, I don't say the value of going to
24:21
Speaker 1: the lectures. I don't because like, look at best, I
24:24
Speaker 1: would defer, this is such a waste of your money,
24:27
Speaker 1: such a fucking waste of your money, because even if
24:31
Speaker 1: you pass, you've not absorbed the necessary knowledge to actually
24:35
Speaker 1: excel in that career. I know passes just above fifty percent,
24:39
Speaker 1: but you need to be invested if you actually want
24:42
Speaker 1: to do well, not just in psychology, but in any career.
24:44
Speaker 1: You don't want to scrape by with fifty percent of
24:46
Speaker 1: the required knowledge, right, So what I recommend you do
24:50
Speaker 1: is defer and have like a bit of a soul
24:54
Speaker 1: searching moment because you're you're not here nor there, right,
25:00
Speaker 1: get the vibe that you do not like psychology. You've
25:04
Speaker 1: flirted with dropping out of UNI multiple multiple times, Like,
25:09
Speaker 1: I just don't know if this is the right course
25:11
Speaker 1: for you. Maybe UNI is for you, maybe, but is
25:14
Speaker 1: this the right course? For you, because at least there
25:18
Speaker 1: should be like a portion of the subjects that you
25:21
Speaker 1: really like. So no wonder people are like judging you.
25:24
Speaker 1: Not that I'm all for people judging you, but they're
25:25
Speaker 1: probably thinking, like, what the fuck can't like you're literally
25:28
Speaker 1: paying for this degree, even if it's on hex, Like,
25:31
Speaker 1: even if you're not paying for it. Now you know
25:34
Speaker 1: you're paying for this degree. You are, you know, kind
25:39
Speaker 1: of going, but you're not going. You're at hot Like, Yeah,
25:43
Speaker 1: they're judging you in the sense of like, what the
25:44
Speaker 1: fuck are you doing? And I'm here to say that
25:47
Speaker 1: in the nicest way possible, what are you doing with
25:49
Speaker 1: your time? What are you doing with your time? Because
25:52
Speaker 1: this is time that you're never going to get back.
25:54
Speaker 1: You don't have to be at UNI right now, but
25:55
Speaker 1: it is a waste a few times you're going to
25:57
Speaker 1: slog it out and then not do anything with that career.
25:59
Speaker 1: You've got to ask yourself, the most precious commodity I
26:01
Speaker 1: have right now is my time. I can sit here
26:04
Speaker 1: and think, oh, maybe i'll defer, maybe I won't, maybe
26:07
Speaker 1: i'll quit, maybe i'll drop out, maybe I won't. But
26:09
Speaker 1: you're wasting your time right now? Okay, Now, I'm all
26:12
Speaker 1: for trial and error, but make it intentional. Make your
26:15
Speaker 1: errors intentional. But to be here or there is pointless.
26:19
Speaker 1: So what I recommend you do is either drop out
26:21
Speaker 1: for good because you probably know that this is not
26:24
Speaker 1: the course for you, or at the very least you're
26:27
Speaker 1: going to defer for a semester, and then ask yourself
26:29
Speaker 1: the next hard question. If I'm going to defer for
26:31
Speaker 1: a semester, I better make my time valuable. What am
26:34
Speaker 1: I going to do in that time? Am I going
26:36
Speaker 1: to try and get a new job into something that
26:37
Speaker 1: I've never done before. I'm going to try and shake
26:39
Speaker 1: it up. I'm going to try and learn a new skill.
26:40
Speaker 1: Do I have the funds to maybe go somewhere for
26:43
Speaker 1: a period of time? Can I study something else? Somewhere else? Like,
26:46
Speaker 1: I don't know what your resources and your means are
26:49
Speaker 1: right now, but you need to do something with that
26:52
Speaker 1: time where it's going to be a bit of an
26:53
Speaker 1: eye opener. So you can be like, all right, I
26:55
Speaker 1: need to snap into action, do something. Okay, you want
26:58
Speaker 1: to make the most of your time. Anders are brilliant,
27:01
Speaker 1: But fucking around nor here nor there is futile. Okay,
27:05
Speaker 1: I'd rather you make ten errors than waste another fucking
27:09
Speaker 1: bunch of years, Like should I go to this psychology
27:11
Speaker 1: lecture or not? Should I not? Don't do that to yourself,
27:14
Speaker 1: trust me, don't do that to yourself. The things that
27:16
Speaker 1: you regret are the things where you waste a time,
27:19
Speaker 1: where you stole like when you look back on your life,
27:21
Speaker 1: trust me, the things that you end up regretting the
27:23
Speaker 1: most wasted time. That's what people regret. It's fine to
27:27
Speaker 1: be like, oh, yeah, I would have loved to finish
27:28
Speaker 1: that degree, but if you really think about it, if
27:30
Speaker 1: you hated it while you were doing it and you
27:32
Speaker 1: couldn't see a future in it, you also would look
27:34
Speaker 1: back with much kind or eyes, being like, why would
27:36
Speaker 1: I finish that degree if it was the bane of
27:38
Speaker 1: my existence and I didn't even see myself working in
27:41
Speaker 1: that field? Okay, So I don't think that it will
27:45
Speaker 1: be the biggest regret if you drop out. I think
27:47
Speaker 1: wasting your time and then finishing the degree, possibly failing subjects,
27:52
Speaker 1: not getting a pass, having to do it again, that
27:54
Speaker 1: that will be a regret. All right. So I want
27:58
Speaker 1: you to do something drastic so it forces you into
28:01
Speaker 1: like it shifts you into a different gear in your life. Personally,
28:06
Speaker 1: I would defer, defer a semester, Defer maybe a year
28:11
Speaker 1: and do something outrageous with that six months or with
28:14
Speaker 1: that year, do something like out of your comfort zone
28:16
Speaker 1: that you didn't think you would do. Get a job
28:18
Speaker 1: in some weird ass fucking thing. Go work on a farm.
28:20
Speaker 1: I don't care. Do something that's gonna expand your horizon
28:23
Speaker 1: and make you think, yeah, fuck, I'm glad I did
28:25
Speaker 1: that because I needed I needed a new perspective on
28:27
Speaker 1: my life. Guys, thank you so much for listening to
28:29
Speaker 1: today's podcast episode. That is all for today. If you
28:35
Speaker 1: have any questions that you'd like to send in, please
28:37
Speaker 1: email info at dyfmpod dot com. You can also jump
28:41
Speaker 1: on my website and send in a voice note if
28:43
Speaker 1: you like. Whatever you prefer, whatever floats your boat, whatever
28:46
Speaker 1: cranks your tractor. I will see you guys here on
28:50
Speaker 1: this couch next week for just a regular episode on Monday.
28:54
Speaker 1: Love you guys so much. As always, remember becind to yourself,
28:56
Speaker 1: be kind to your brain, don't take shit from anyone,
29:00
Speaker 1: and especially don't take shit from yourself. Don't