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How to Stop Mothering Your Man & Get Him to Step Up · Mindful Success Path

• 0:32
  If you are a woman who feels like your man is another child, then this video is for you because I'm going to teach you how to go from being his manager or his mother to being his lover.
• 0:45
  Hi, my name is Amanda.
• 0:46
  Welcome to this channel where we talk about how to manifest what you want in life without all the extra stress, chaos, and drama that most people are accustomed to.
• 0:53
  If that's something that you're interested in, make sure to subscribe and hit the notification bell.
• 0:57
  Lately, we've been talking a lot about relationship dynamics, and, this whole mothering your man thing has been coming up a lot.
• 1:05
  In addition to that, if you haven't done so already, make sure to take our free divine feminine archetypes quiz.
• 1:11
  It will let you know which of the four archetypes that I teach is most dominant in your life and how it's affecting your relationships.
• 1:19
  All you gotta do is go to mindfulsuccesspath.com/quiz.
• 1:23
  It's three minutes.
• 1:24
  You'll have your result, and then you'll know what I'm talking about when I say things like the wounded maiden, and the awakening warrior, and the conscious queen, and the magnetic empress So I've been getting a lot of comments and also just chats when I do livestreams from women who feel like their men, um, are passive and they feel like they're mothering their men or in like one case, a man was actually comparing his wife, uh, to his mother.
• 1:52
  So this is something that comes up a lot, and I realize that there's also a lot of confusion about this on the internet because some of you have commented that, you know, you've been watching all kinds of videos about relationships because this is like a, a specific problem in your marriage right now, and you hear everybody saying,"Stop mothering your man.
• 2:10
  Stop mothering your man," but you don't necessarily know what that means and what that looks like.
• 2:14
  So my goal for this video is to help you determine what the root of this is,'cause I promise you there's a root here and it, it doesn't really have a lot to do with him.
• 2:22
  It has to do with you, and I'm gonna give you some real-life scenarios with some scripts that you can use so you can learn how to communicate boundaries in a way where you don't accidentally fall into the manager or the mother.
• 2:38
  Because when you've been with someone for a really long time, it's really easy to fall into that.
• 2:43
  You're managing kids together.
• 2:44
  You're managing households together.
• 2:45
  Some of you are managing businesses together.
• 2:48
  So it, it can happen, right?
• 2:49
  And there's a reason why this happens, so let's get into it So first, let's do the inner work to talk about why we as women tend to default into manager mode.
• 2:58
  So the women who tend to default into manager mode, um, are the wounded maidens and the over-functioners, right?
• 3:05
  So the wounded maidens sometimes end up with men who are a bit more controlling, and, um, the men will expect their woman to be like a mother, right?
• 3:16
  So for example, we recently had a comment come in, and this woman did get wounded maiden when she took her quiz, and she was saying how, um, her husband would say things like,"Oh, my mother would have cleaned the refrigerator faster.
• 3:30
  Why didn't you do it?" And she was like,"Oh my gosh, let me go, you know, fix this, improve myself and do better," et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
• 3:37
  It's a dynamic she's had in her marriage for 30 years, and she's starting to become pretty resentful about it.
• 3:42
  So that's how it shows up with the wounded maidens.
• 3:45
  Now, with the awakening warriors, my awakening warriors tend to be the over-functioners, right?
• 3:50
  Or my awakening warriors sometimes, you know, you have high-powered careers, and you make money, and you take care of yourself, and you're hyper independent, and then you just kind of bring that into your relationship, and you kind of like- Naturally start mothering your man.
• 4:06
  Or the other way in which this shows up is let's say you're dating,'cause I got a lot of girlies watching who are just dating.
• 4:12
  If you are the awakening warrior, you will tend to attract more passive men who are looking for, you know, a little bit more of a mommy, okay?
• 4:21
  So that's the different ways in which th- this can show up, and the root issue here is control.
• 4:28
  You want control.
• 4:29
  Now, you may have heard the wounded maiden story and you may have been like,"Well, how does that woman whose husband is comparing, um, her to his mother want control?" Like, the husband's an asshole, I agree, right?
• 4:41
  That was not a nice thing to say, and we'll talk about the boundary that she could have put there.
• 4:46
  However, her response tells me that she went into people-pleasing mode.
• 4:51
  Her response w- tells me that she went into proving.
• 4:54
  Her response tells me that the way in which she tries to control her environment and situation is by making sure that everybody likes her.
• 5:03
  So that is actually a form of manipulation in order to get control.
• 5:07
  Now ironically, what happens there is you never have control when you're doing that, uh, because you're never gonna make everybody like you, and then you just end up getting resentful, okay?
• 5:17
  Now, for the awakening warriors, it's a little bit different because the awakening warriors don't feel safe when they are not in control, and the way that the awakening warriors control is by micromanaging everything around them, including the man that they are with.
• 5:35
  And then again, eventually they start becoming very resentful.
• 5:41
  When we get into conscious queen, we're starting to transition out of that and starting to go into magnetic empress.
• 5:47
  The magnetic empress would be very mindful of when she is going into over-functioning, she wouldn't let it happen, and that she would know how to express those standards and those boundaries, to not allow that to happen.
• 5:59
  And here's the thing, right?
• 6:01
  Even good men will sometimes push a boundary, not because they're doing it on purpose, not because they're trying to manipulate you.
• 6:09
  They could just be repeating a pattern that they saw when they were home.
• 6:14
  Uh, I recently got asked, you know, why do men choose women that, you know, remind them of their mothers?
• 6:21
  And I'm like,"The same way women choose men who remind them of their fathers." It's usually very unconscious, and people don't know that they're doing these things.
• 6:29
  So the goal here is for you to be a conscious, responsible adult who knows how to communicate a standard and a boundary rather than defaulting into unhealthy patterns and behaviors which then reinforce the dynamic that you don't want.
• 6:43
  And as with all my videos, here is the big giant caveat: this will never work with an unhealthy man, okay?
• 6:50
  It will never work.
• 6:51
  If you've got a chronically depressed man, if you've got, uh, uh, addictions in the household, a controlling man, an abusive man, all, i- this ain't gonna work.
• 7:00
  It's not going to work, right?
• 7:01
  So, um, don't try and make an inconsistent man consistent.
• 7:05
  That is always what I tell the women on this channel.
• 7:08
  So some of you are going to use the scenarios and scripts that I'm gonna talk about today, and you're gonna get great results.
• 7:15
  Some of you already have, okay?
• 7:18
  Others of you are gonna realize you're married to the wrong person.
• 7:21
  You're gonna have to be okay with whichever way this goes The other caveat here is that you're going to have to be able to tolerate some discomfort.
• 7:30
  What do I mean by that?
• 7:31
  Let's say that you are no longer going around fixing everybody's problems, and now they're picking up more of the slack.
• 7:37
  Okay, well, if they don't do it exactly the way you want it done, or if they don't do it as fast as you want them to do it, uh, or if you see them struggling a little bit, I need you to step away from Google, I need you to step away from ChatGPT, I need you to step away from jumping in to go fix the problem because your anxiety is taking over.
• 7:55
  So you're going to have to learn to tolerate discomfort, and that's okay.
• 8:00
  Let, let the man figure it out.
• 8:02
  Let him figure it out.
• 8:03
  It's good for him.
• 8:04
  I promise the way that men gain confidence is by overcoming challenges, so don't take those challenges away from him Oh, and by the way, the way that men bond to you as a woman and wants to pursue you, and then also he as a man wants to do better to give more to you, is when he's slaying dragons for you.
• 8:23
  So let him slay the damn dragon.
• 8:25
  Even if it takes him longer than it would've taken you, let him slay the dragon.
• 8:29
  Let him do it, okay?
• 8:30
  Just sit on your hands while you are uncomfortable, and eventually it will not bother you so much anymore.
• 8:37
  And eventually you will realize that you're no longer managing him as much, and eventually you will realize,"Oh, wait a minute, I'm actually supported.
• 8:44
  This is great." So yes, you're going to be uncomfortable.
• 8:48
  Let yourself be uncomfortable, and let the men slay the dragons so you don't have to And if you find that incredibly difficult to do, then maybe this will help you.
• 8:56
  Every piece of energy, every ounce of energy that you spend managing a partner is energy that is taken away from your peace, your creativity, your rest, your really good ideas, and your intuition.
• 9:11
  So just allow yourself to be uncomfortable, and let it be awkward so we can eventually get to the place where you are feeling more relaxed and more rested So here's the first scenario that's really common, unsolicited advice okay?
• 9:26
  Now, women don't just do this with men.
• 9:27
  They also do this with other women.
• 9:30
  In fact, I recently had a situation where I've noticed something really interesting.
• 9:36
  This isn't with most women in this community, but I have noticed something really interesting that I might mention something on a video or a live stream.
• 9:45
  Um, I did not ask for help.
• 9:47
  I didn't ask for help, and I didn't ask for your opinion, and you're already in my DMs and my emails giving me your opinions and, and trying to give me solutions.
• 9:56
  Okay?
• 9:56
  Don't do that with me, don't do that with anybody, and don't do it with your man because typically that's just you trying to control the situation.
• 10:04
  Now, if someone asks you for help, then obviously that's a different story.
• 10:10
  So for example, I was recently on a live stream, and I said that I was having an issue with my puppy that he kept eating cat litter, and I asked for help.
• 10:19
  And I said,"Please, if someone knows how to get this dog to stop eating cat litter, please, please, please send me a message, send me an email," and some of you did, and we found a solution to the problem.
• 10:30
  That is completely acceptable.
• 10:31
  That is okay.
• 10:32
  That was solicited.
• 10:34
  Okay?
• 10:34
  The problem that we run into is when women are giving unsolicited advice, and women do it all the time.
• 10:42
  Again, not just with men.
• 10:43
  They just do it generally speaking.
• 10:45
  Okay?
• 10:46
  So here's how this shows up in a relationship.
• 10:49
  Your man comes home from work, right?
• 10:51
  And he expresses that he's got a struggle or a problem of some kind.
• 10:56
  He has not yet asked you for help, and even if he does, I still use a similar script, so we'll talk about that.
• 11:03
  And instead of just allowing the man to vent, right?
• 11:07
  And be like,"I have this challenging situation at work," or something, you're immediately jumping in to try and solve the problem.
• 11:13
  Now, I myself have had to be very mindful of this because I ran successful businesses before I met my husband.
• 11:19
  So I was, I was constantly solving problems for a very long time, and I'm very quick.
• 11:24
  A lot of you are very quick.
• 11:25
  You're very smart.
• 11:26
  But I've had to get better about this because, um, I don't wanna be solving problems all the time, and neither do you.
• 11:31
  And I don't want my husband to become passive, and you're all are complaining about your passive husbands.
• 11:36
  So this is one of the way in which the husbands become passive, right?
• 11:39
  Is you're constantly fixing his problems when he didn't even ask you to fix his problem Now, the root of this is that you don't feel safe, and you don't trust your husband to actually fix the problem or fix the problem in the way that you would fix the problem, and for some women, they just think that their solutions are better than everybody else's.
• 11:57
  I'm sorry, I'm calling you out.
• 11:58
  It's the truth, and hey, I've done it, too.
• 12:00
  I completely understand.
• 12:02
  If you are a smart, capable woman who's got a track record of being successful, you've got confidence in that department, girl.
• 12:09
  I understand.
• 12:10
  I get it, but we gotta, we gotta calm her down, okay?
• 12:14
  We gotta know when it's appropriate and when it's not appropriate.
• 12:18
  And the root here, and the shift that we need to make, is that you need to go from not trusting your husband, which is essentially what's going on here, to realizing,"Wait a minute, I married a capable person, okay?
• 12:30
  I trust him.
• 12:31
  He's capable.
• 12:32
  He's got this.
• 12:33
  He'll figure it out." So let's say that your husband comes home from work, right?
• 12:37
  And then he is venting about an issue that he's having a, uh, at work.
• 12:42
  Instead of jumping in to solve the problem immediately, maybe you could say something along the lines of like,"Wow, that sounds really challenging, and that sounds really difficult.
• 12:51
  I'm sure that you're gonna figure out the best way forward.
• 12:55
  Um, do you want me to just listen to you right now, or would you like some, counsel from me?" If you're confused, right, ask the question.
• 13:02
  Now, sometimes my husband will come home and he will ask me for advice, and I already know that he knows how to solve the problem, and I will say something similar.
• 13:11
  I'll be like,"You know, that's really challenging.
• 13:13
  Um, you know, here's maybe what I would do, or maybe here's something that you hadn't thought about yet.
• 13:19
  But I, I'm sure you're gonna figure it out.
• 13:21
  Like, I trust you to figure it out.
• 13:22
  You always figure it out.
• 13:25
  I'm sure you know what the best solution is." So even if he does ask me for advice, I might offer the advice, but at the end I'm still like,"I trust you to figure it out.
• 13:34
  I know you can do it." And you know what?
• 13:38
  A lot of men, especially masculine men, they just wanna know that their women trust them.
• 13:44
  That's it.
• 13:44
  To them, that's like a form of respect.
• 13:47
  To them, that's like,"Okay, I'm doing good in the world if my woman respects me The next common scenario is household tasks or logistics how many times do we hear the story of the woman who is doing it all and doing way too much around the house?
• 14:04
  Well, oftentimes this happens, um, because either she's trying to prove herself because she thinks love needs to be earned, like the wounded maiden, or the other thing that happens here is that she doesn't trust people to handle things, so she just starts taking on more and more and more and more.
• 14:22
  That's really the root of what is going on here.
• 14:26
  So the shift that she needs to make here is that she needs to allow for natural consequences, right?
• 14:31
  So for example, um, I'm just making a silly example right now that I know y'all get in fights over, right?
• 14:38
  Which is, um, the garbage, right?
• 14:40
  Like, you asked him to take out the garbage.
• 14:41
  He hasn't taken out the garbage yet.
• 14:43
  Okay, let that garbage get stinky and smelly and disgusting, and he's going to have to deal with the consequences of the garbage getting worse and worse and worse and worse.
• 14:51
  That's it.
• 14:52
  That's all you can really do, and then eventually he is going to get the memo.
• 14:57
  But if you're jumping in and you're taking it out and you're putting it in the dumpster, and you're doing...
• 15:01
  Like, you're gonna be doing that for the rest of your life, girl.
• 15:03
  So eventually, right, you just have to, like It's almost like a perfection thing too, I've noticed.
• 15:10
  Like, I had a client once who had this situation with her husband with the dishes, right?
• 15:14
  Like, she asked him to do the dishes, and he hasn't gotten around to it yet.
• 15:18
  Meanwhile, it's only been five minutes, but he hasn't gotten around to it, and her anxiety is already starting to take over.
• 15:23
  She was more of an awakening warrior, this one.
• 15:26
  Um, and I'm like,"Well, just let him sit there.
• 15:28
  Just let him sit there and deal with the consequences of it, and go live your damn life." It's gonna get done eventually, but if you're micromanaging him, if you're reminding him, if you're doing this, if you're doing that, and again, I've had to be mindful of this as well, right?
• 15:43
  Then two things happen.
• 15:44
  Number one, he starts to become more passive.
• 15:47
  Number two, you piss him off.
• 15:48
  Number three, it doesn't get done, and number four, it ends up ha- coming back to you, where you have to get it done because you didn't let, um, the...
• 15:56
  You let your anxiety take over, and then you started to over-function.
• 16:00
  And this is when a lot of women feel like they're very unsupported because a lot of women have this weird idealized version of perfection that they're constantly going to, and then they measure everybody else by that version of perfection as well.
• 16:13
  Then they end up over-functioning, and when they end up over-functioning, everybody around them starts becoming more passive.
• 16:20
  And then before the woman knows it, she's completely overloaded and complaining about it.
• 16:25
  Now, one thing that you might state here, uh, I'll just give an example.
• 16:29
  Let's say, like, there's repairs around the house.
• 16:31
  I don't have this problem because my husband knows that things are broken even before I do, and he's already found a way to fix it.
• 16:37
  Um, but for example, let's say that there's some repairs that need to be done around the house.
• 16:41
  Let's just use that as an example, right?
• 16:43
  Um, you tell him that something needs to get repaired, and then you basically say something like,"Hey, you know, these repairs, I would really appreciate it if you get it done this weekend.
• 16:54
  I'm gonna be busy with some of my own projects, so I would, I would appreciate it if you take full responsibility of that." And just like everything else that I have said when it comes to standards and boundaries and et cetera, you sit back and you observe what that man does, okay?
• 17:07
  You sit back, and you observe what the man does.
• 17:09
  For many of you, you married good men, okay?
• 17:11
  The men are gonna try their best.
• 17:13
  It's gonna be a little awkward at first because he's not used to this from you.
• 17:17
  He's used to you wanting to take over everything, and you're gonna have to sit through the discomfort.
• 17:23
  Others of you, um, you're gonna realize you married the wrong person.
• 17:28
  I always say that as a caveat, and it's worth repeating Next one is learning how to express appreciation rather than managing and this one is magic in a relationship.
• 17:48
  So a lot of women do not appreciate enough, and a lot of men don't appreciate their wives enough either, so this goes both ways.
• 17:55
  But it's a, it's a magical little thing that you can start doing, and I know that women have watched this YouTube channel, and actually some gay couples have watched this YouTube channel, and just taken this tip, and it's really helped their relationship.
• 18:10
  And that is learning how to appreciate a man versus always managing a man.
• 18:16
  'Cause again, if you go into managing, you're going into mother, the spark goes away, you're resentful, he's passive, it's messy, and then you're in my inbox, or you're in my comment section.
• 18:25
  So thank him even for small things, even for little things.
• 18:30
  Make sure to thank this man for all the ways, big and small, in which he makes your life better.
• 18:37
  Now why does this work?
• 18:39
  The reason why this works is because it creates the positive polarity reinforcement loop, as I call it, which basically is he gives to you, right?
• 18:48
  'Cause the masculine gives.
• 18:50
  Again, even small things.
• 18:51
  He gives to you, then you receive it as the feminine.
• 18:55
  You tell him how it changed your life, and then he wants to do better.
• 18:59
  He wants to go slay the next dragon.
• 19:01
  He wants to go slay a bigger dragon.
• 19:03
  He wants to keep making your life better.
• 19:06
  And over time, you start becoming a woman who is more rested and relaxed as a result of that.
• 19:15
  And a really easy way to get into the positive polarity reinforcement loop, as I call it, is to learn to appreciate this man, even if he makes a mistake.
• 19:25
  Here's a really silly example my husband and I talk about all the time.
• 19:28
  You send him to go get milk at the store.
• 19:30
  He brought back the wrong milk.
• 19:32
  Most women would lose their minds over the damn milk instead of just saying,"Thank you so much for getting the milk at the store.
• 19:38
  I really appreciate it.
• 19:39
  That made my life so much easier so that I wouldn't have to go do it.
• 19:43
  Um, just FYI, you know, this is usually the brand of milk we get for next time." That's it.
• 19:50
  That's all you gotta do.
• 19:51
  But again, that is not what most women out here are doing Now, the key thing here is when you are expressing gratitude, you want to express how his actions made you feel rather than grading him so for example, even if my husband does something simple like he cleaned the kitchen, for example, I'd be like,"Oh my God, thank you so much for doing that because it makes my life so much easier, and I love when the kitchen is clean'cause the home feels so peaceful." That's what you can do, and again, it creates the positive polarity reinforcement loop where he's gonna wanna keep giving and giving and giving some more Here's the key takeaway.
• 20:27
  For you to step out of the mothering role or the manager role, it's gonna require you to surrender control, and that's the hardest part of this whole thing, girl, and that's where you gotta sit on your hands.
• 20:39
  And I am gonna have other videos coming out with somatic practices to help with that anxiety.
• 20:44
  In the meantime, you can check out the best nervous system regulation training I've ever done, which is called The Magnetic Woman Transformation,'cause there's gonna be a lot of tools in there to help you while you are going through this transition.
• 20:57
  Many of you have been in the comments.
• 20:59
  You've said something along the lines of like,"I understand what you're saying.
• 21:02
  This is absolutely amazing.
• 21:03
  My anxiety takes over in the moment," whether you're already in a relationship or you're dating because you're bringing new behaviors and you're learning to let go of control.
• 21:12
  I get it, girl.
• 21:13
  I've been there, right?
• 21:14
  I, I still go there every once in a while, and I go back to the tools that I teach in Magnetic Woman Transformation.
• 21:22
  So that's where I recommend going for those of you who've been struggling with that.
• 21:27
  But I promise you that over time, if you're married to a good man, he is going to start picking up the slack.
• 21:35
  The spark will come back.
• 21:36
  The romance will come back.
• 21:38
  You'll feel more rested and supported, and you will no longer feel like you are mothering a grown man.
• 21:45
  If you liked this video, go ahead and give it a thumbs up.
• 21:48
  Make sure to share it with a girlfriend who may be struggling with this.
• 21:51
  Thank you so much for giving me your time today, and I'll catch you on the next one.