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Emma Lets the Walls Down · System Speak: Complex Trauma and Dissociation

• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Over: Welcome to the System Speak Podcast,
• 0:13
  Speaker 2: a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to longtime listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you.
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: I had therapy today. It's been three weeks. I missed one week because she had to be a mother when school started. And then I missed a week because I had to be a mother and school started. But now the children are in school, so maybe it will be a little easier to do a podcast when I feel I'm brave enough or when I can do it afraid.
• 1:44
  There's a lot that's happened and a lot of things I'm learning. One thing that I'm really proud about for myself is that I was able to do back to school night with my children. I was able to go and meet their teachers and stay almost like a real mom. I was really proud of me, but I don't mean that it was easy because it wasn't. I was really scared and very anxious, but I did it afraid.
• 2:42
  And I'm really proud of myself. The other thing that happened is that I was able to go to church with my family and stay the whole time without having to go out in the van and wait. It seems like now, sometimes, not always, when something triggers me, I'm able to catch it early because I feel that feeling, and I'm more aware that a trigger has happened. And because of what the therapist has taught me and what I've learned in groups and the notebook and the workbook, I'm kind of maybe better able to know what to do when it happens. I don't know if I'll ever be able to make it not happen, but I've learned the difference between how I feel when something triggers me from memory time And when something triggers me in a way that I kinda feel fuzzy, like switchy, not switchy, like a lot of people switching and taking turns out front, but that feeling right before you change, right before I go away, when everything gets fuzzy and far away, and I feel myself start to disappear.
• 4:46
  Sometimes in those moments, I'm better able to hang on than before. Sometimes in those moments, I feel stronger than before. Other times, I just can't. But I've also learned that there's kind of a middle ground where maybe it's a little bit okay to just acknowledge that it's hard and just be present with not being present, if that makes any sense. And so just being aware that when I really can't and when it's really too much, that's why the DID is there.
• 5:41
  And trusting them to help me, to keep us safe, and to work together for what's best for all of us. And that's a very different feeling than just being afraid of them. The other thing, the one about triggering memory time, that one is a little bit harder because I don't always have the pieces of where it goes or what I'm feeling to be able to match it up to make it feel better. But, also, the same thing is true, that that's just DID and how it works. And so sometimes, just writing down in the notebook that this happened and there was a trigger and this is what I felt or saw or heard or experienced in my body.
• 7:02
  That maybe that's enough for now. Maybe that counts. It's a starting place. The hardest ones are sometimes not realizing that my feelings can be from memory time too Or that pains in my body can also be from memory time. That's still hard for me and something I'm still trying to work on, recognizing when it happens.
• 7:47
  And maybe someday I can put it in the notebook. I read about it in the workbook and we talked about it in group, but I haven't talked about it with a therapist myself yet. Because it's on the list of things that when I try to explain, I go away. But I don't mean to. I'm trying to stay, and I am staying more and more.
• 8:33
  And besides just staying, I'm more and more aware of what's happening even when I can't stay, and that's new. I feel like it took me almost a decade, maybe more, to realize that DID is what was happening and that it's really a thing and that it's actually protective and for good reasons and that it doesn't just mean that I'm crazy or unwell. And then with two years of therapy, I feel like it's just taking me this long to learn what safe is and to learn who they are inside. Even if I don't yet know all about why they are there or where they come from or what it is they do. Sometimes it's still embarrassing even though the people who know are safe and good.
• 10:12
  I told my therapist today that I wish sometimes I could just make it go away and that I could be normal. She said that makes perfect sense when it's distressing or when it's hard or when I get confused. And she says that it's possible, that we can make it go away, and that we do it without making anyone inside go away. That was important to me and I think to them because I'm not trying to be disrespectful or hurtful or ungrateful. But also, if now time is safe and my life is good and I'm happy with my friends and my family, then I'm okay to do that on my own differently than before because everything is different now.
• 11:42
  He drew a picture on the board of a giant square, and inside the square were all kinds of different boxes, different shapes. Some of them were little and some were big, like puzzle pieces almost. And she said if we think about DID like that picture, that all of it is us. And together, we are whole. Even already, even now.
• 12:28
  She said we don't make anyone go away because that's like taking away pieces. And she said we don't have to take away any pieces or get rid of anyone inside. She said all we're doing is letting the walls come down. She said we let the walls come down so that all of us can be present and have what we need and have access to each other all the time. But for now, it makes sense that all the time and all of it is too much for all of us or most of us.
• 13:17
  And so that's what therapy helps with. Is it not being too much and keeping it safe and doing it slowly and carefully so that now time stays safe even while we're learning to be whole together with all of us still here. It's a different thing to be more present with the others. When sometimes I can see what's happening, but I can't do anything about it, Or I could hear the therapist, but not say anything myself, but hear other people saying things. And I don't know who was out or who was just saying things inside or which pieces of it she heard.
• 14:21
  It gets kind of busy inside when we go see the therapist. And the safety is starting to feel real on the inside and the outside in new ways than before. And so there are things we want to say and things they want to share with her and with me and with each other. This is new, and it takes some adjusting. And sometimes, it's still overwhelming.
• 15:13
  But we're not alone. We have the therapist, and she's really good at helping and really good at keeping things safe. She doesn't push or invade or intrude. She says she won't go anywhere uninvited, and she said that for a long time. And I think that's what's changing is that we're almost ready to invite her.
• 15:52
  I almost could have walked in today and just let them start talking. That's how close to the surface it was. Things we've written in the notebook but haven't said out loud yet. That's how ready we feel. But it's still scary.
• 16:16
  And part of safety are the things that help us remember that everything is okay. Things like having appointments already lined up and having our bill caught up and paid for and some ahead. Those things make me feel safe. Because even though I know in my head she's not going to go away or disappear or make me stop seeing her. I want her to know that I'm doing my part too as best I can.
• 17:05
  While I know she would never just not let us come see her, I know it in my head. I really do. But it feels safer somehow to see it on paper that we have appointments all the way through the year. For the coming months, we're on the calendar and we know when we will see her and we can see the days and times. Maybe that makes it safer to open a can of worms when we know we won't be alone there to clean it up.
• 17:44
  Or I won't drown if it gets out of hand because I'm not good at it yet. Knowing how to do it, knowing how to let them talk, knowing how to stay and listen. It's a lot that we're learning together, and we need her. And she's gone above and beyond to prove that she's still there. But I was really glad to get that paper today, and the timing could not have been more perfect.
• 18:25
  And so we said it for the first time that when we come back next week, we wanna start talking about things a little more directly, I guess, than the notebook. I don't know what happens if it's too much, but I think she'll let me change my mind. But, also, I think she'll help me do it even if I have to do it afraid. But, also, it's good timing because I'm not alone. I have the husband.
• 19:08
  I know he's been on the podcast before, and so you know him a bit. But he's really good and safe. I can't tell you how good and safe he is. And he's been supportive all along. But also, he has his own therapist and he got EMDR.
• 19:32
  She did it with him. We didn't know she was going to. And he loved it. He had a really positive experience. I wasn't there and I don't want to tell his story and he'll maybe talk about it later, but he's done it twice now.
• 19:51
  And it really helped him a lot with his depression. There were headphones that he wore and listened to, and he said there were things in his hand that he held on to so that he heard and felt the beeps or buzzes or whatever it was, and that that's how it worked. I don't know that I could do that since I can't wear headphones. I don't know if it's something that could help me be braver or help me know how to do this work. But I'm glad that it helped him, and I'm okay if we get our help in different ways.
• 20:47
  But because of that, he's doing much better and is more interactive with the children, and a load has been lightened in other ways. So it's sort of like writing it down on paper, our appointments. I know in my head he's there, and I know in my head that he's supportive. But seeing him function better in other areas of his life helps it feel safer to me that maybe it's okay to step into this a little bit because maybe it's okay to take care of me too, not just the children or my husband. The other thing that makes it okay and good timing is that I have friends.
• 21:45
  I've been brave at the school where my children go. I've even spoken some, though I still sign there. And the teachers from last year remember our family, and they love our family, and maybe even love me. And they're very kind to me. And I haven't said DID to them because that still feels too big and too much in a setting that's focused on my children.
• 22:26
  But they know a lot of other things, and they know I get anxious. And they've been very supportive and creative in finding ways to help me participate with my children. And I really love them for it. And after a year and a half with them, I think I would even call them my friends, and that's really big for me. I also have the other friends that I made through the hospital with my daughter.
• 23:10
  And they do know about DID. And that's the first time that I've had people where I live, where I chose them as my friends who know about DID. In the past, the only people who knew were people from group or the podcast or Facebook. We have the Facebook account for system speak so that we can be in the support groups anonymously without worrying about things crossing over for people who don't understand DID. And in the support groups, they sometimes say, if you're comfortable adding friends, then post here and say, what helps make it safe?
• 24:05
  And so when we started the Facebook for system speak, we added people that we noticed in the comments were encouraging and supportive. And we sent them supportive. Messages like the group leaders said to say, I saw you in group, and I appreciate your comments or something like that and introduce ourselves before adding them as friends on Facebook from the groups. And so I did that, and everyone on my Facebook list for System Speak, I met that way. All of them.
• 24:47
  All of my friends I met through the groups and sending them messages to say hello and introduce myself and adding them so that I could have friends who knew and understood about DID. And have been grateful as all of them are survivors. Sometimes there were some who struggled with others, and there was drama I could stay out of. Other times, people were not in safe places themselves, and so it was too toxic to get involved with myself. Other times, they were good and safe people, but I was just shy.
• 25:34
  Other people I met at the conference, like Megan and Sarah and Ashton and the Chrises. Other people I got to know just because they responded and because they participated, like Donna and Julie. And then lots of other people I got to know after that as I got braver and spent more time in the groups. And others I met through the podcast, like Jane and Doctor. Barish.
• 26:16
  And now so many others who have been guests on the podcast, but have followed up with continued contact and kindness like Kelly McDaniel. And then still others I've gotten to know simply through the podcast emails, their contact, sharing with me what they're learning from the podcast, and sharing with me how it's helped helped them and what they're learning too. And when I read those emails or when Sasha or someone else reads the emails, it's more than just a form they submitted. I know that they are being brave and vulnerable, and I really appreciate it, and it teaches me so much. I hold it sacred, really, these friends that I have met and learned.
• 27:09
  But also with these new friends who live where I live, it's been a new opportunity to learn what is good and healthy for me and what is not. I've recognized some triggers too. But now with these friends who live nearby and also know about DID, but also share so many other things in common, but are also healthy and positive and focused on healing. It's a powerful thing, that sort of gift. A sacred thing for different kinds of friendships and different kinds of people who help get you through, who help you become more rather than keeping you smaller.
• 27:59
  My husband will always be my best friend, and I'm grateful to him for that because I understand that's not something I could have or do by myself. He has to choose me back. And even in marriage, that doesn't always happen. And so I know he's a special gift. And I met him slowly over time from far away with a gentle unfolding that was never intense or never pushed or never invaded and never overwhelmed me.
• 28:46
  And I think that's what's made it last. And so I've learned that for me, that's a safe thing in friendship too. This weekend, there's a gathering of some of these friends at a different conference, and I'm excited to go. But I'm also terrified because it's still so scary for me and it's still so hard to stay present and I just want to be normal. I don't want to be weird or unwell or crazy.
• 29:25
  I don't want to be anxious about triggers so much that I miss what's actually happening. I'm worried that when there are times with crowds, I won't actually be able to hear because of my cochlear implants and because I'm going without an interpreter. So there are some fears that are legitimate and some fears that are not, but all of them are okay to talk about. And we explored that today in therapy. And it was really good practice.
• 30:06
  And it was kind of fun to spend time talking about what is right and good and safe and lovely instead of just what's been hard. And it maybe feels like hope a little bit. There's the poem in the notebook. It says, there is a glimmer of light like the day dawn rising. It's an almost hope.
• 30:39
  But the beginning of light makes shadows grow long, and it's terrifying to see how dark the night has been. A noonday sun close and bright and above is still too much, but the early morning glow feels far away and small. It's hard to trust that it will be enough. It's hard to know that it won't slip away. But I am so parched and so cold and tired of being alone.
• 31:17
  I come with bruises and shadow fears and filth, but I come like the whisper before the birds begin to sing. So I'm going to do it. I'm going to go. I might have to go afraid, but I'm going to go and see if maybe I can make friends. Not just because they said we are, but because I chose them and figured it out on my own with all of us together.
• 32:02
  Not just one of us or a few of us, but actively participating presently in the process and learning what it means to have friends nearby who know about DID and understand. And the therapist said, I can learn to make healthy friendships just like I learned healthy relationships when I found the husband. And she said, if someone is telling me who to be friends with and who to not be friends with or only keep saying that we are friends instead of letting me learn and decide that that is a trigger for domestic violence and why it feels so scary, and that I can be friends without being put in uncomfortable situations, and that someone can know about DID without DID being the whole story of everything we have to talk about all the time. Because in DID, all of them are a part of me, but I am me too. And DID is just a part of my world.
• 33:26
  It's not my whole world. Even while trying to live in the world with all of us together. It's a lot to untangle, and I don't have it all figured out yet, but I'm learning who is a friend and who is not, who is safe and who is not, and what that looks like and what that feels like and how to choose it and participate in it. And to stay, to stay in friendship, Just like staying present in my day. I'm not good at it yet.
• 34:12
  It's gonna take some muscle building. Just like learning to walk again after surgery, but it's safe to practice, she says, and I don't have to practice alone. And because we've opened up, there's a whole world to share and to choose from and to explore in where it's safe and all of me is free to participate. And where the podcast is a piece of it, but not everything. Where work is a piece of it, but not hidden away.
• 34:59
  Where playtime is a piece of it, and just as important as everything else, and where time with the husband and the children and even friends matters as much as time alone to think and to write and to paint and to learn to listen to those voices that I used to be afraid of, but now are somehow mine from long ago and from far away in places and times I don't remember, and yet are somehow connecting just as the walls are coming down slowly, carefully, gently, because now time is still safe.
• 36:08
  Speaker 2: Thank you for listening. Your support of the podcast, the workbooks, and the community means so much to us as we try to create something together that's never been done before. Not like this. Connection brings healing, and you can join us on the community at www.systemsspeak.com. We'll see you there.