Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Q&A: Nagging! They won't take no for an answer | Ep. 77

Transcript

Q&A: Nagging! They won't take no for an answer | Ep. 77 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:06
  Cheryl: If we were making a list of a quote, the things I like least about parenting, I think the subject of today's episode would make every single list nagging.
• 0:24
  Cheryl: So what do we do when they just won't take no for an answer?
• 0:30
  Cheryl: I'm your host Cheryl Lang, and welcome to the Parenting Podcast.
• 0:35
  Cheryl: In response to listeners' questions, our recording team Christie and Ellen, join me in wrestling with this thorny part of parenting, which we all deal with.
• 0:47
  Cheryl: We three share our own struggles, and you know what makes it even trickier is you have to even be aware of it to deal with it, which honestly, I just wasn't all the time.
• 1:04
  Cheryl: And another question to ask is, ugh, am I the one who's nagging?
• 1:20
  Cheryl: we've got another question here from a listener
• 1:23
  Ellen: Okay
• 1:23
  Cheryl: and, he or she wrote in, when I tell my kids no, they keep asking me over and over again different forms.
• 1:34
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 1:34
  Cheryl: How do I let my no be no the first time?
• 1:37
  Christie: Yikes.
• 1:38
  Cheryl: well, on a
• 1:39
  Ellen: personal note, I was a really good naggy kid.
• 1:43
  Ellen: I bet you were.
• 1:43
  Ellen: And I perfected it, that I usually got my way.
• 1:47
  Ellen: I could wear my parents down, you know, uh, af just nagging.
• 1:51
  Ellen: I'm and nagging.
• 1:51
  Ellen: Please, please, please.
• 1:53
  Ellen: Uhhuh.
• 1:53
  Ellen: I'm gonna die if you don't let me do that.
• 1:55
  Ellen: Please, please.
• 1:56
  Ellen: You're so mean.
• 1:57
  Ellen: Oh, that's funny.
• 1:58
  Ellen: Please.
• 1:58
  Ellen: Let me do
• 1:58
  Christie: it.
• 1:59
  Christie: And finally, yeah, go ahead, Uhhuh.
• 2:00
  Christie: Now I read, um, when my kids were pretty young about.
• 2:04
  Christie: One of the main, like maybe Time Magazine or something, they had done a social experiment and they figured out that every child that they had in the experiment had kind of a magic number where they knew their parents would crack.
• 2:16
  Christie: Yeah.
• 2:16
  Christie: Wow.
• 2:17
  Christie: So the parents just needed to know that number and go One more, I guess because yeah, they, the kids consistently would push and push and the parents would consistently give in at the same, yeah.
• 2:27
  Christie: Level.
• 2:27
  Cheryl: Isn't it interesting that they are much better students of us than we are them?
• 2:33
  Cheryl: Right?
• 2:33
  Ellen: Cause you just watch your mom's face or your hands facing, okay, she's getting close, right?
• 2:38
  Ellen: She's starting to get a little mad.
• 2:39
  Ellen: She's gonna give
• 2:39
  Cheryl: in, right?
• 2:40
  Cheryl: Isn't this amazing?
• 2:41
  Cheryl: Because I didn't push back a lot, but I knew how to manipulate my mom.
• 2:46
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 2:46
  Cheryl: So I can remember one time, I don't know what it was.
• 2:50
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 2:50
  Cheryl: A party I wanted to go to or something.
• 2:52
  Cheryl: And at first she was kind of, no, I don't think so.
• 2:55
  Cheryl: And I come up a mom, no, no, no.
• 2:57
  Cheryl: And I just kind of gently kept after her.
• 3:00
  Cheryl: Kept after her.
• 3:01
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 3:01
  Cheryl: Until she said, okay, Cheryl.
• 3:04
  Cheryl: You know how I feel, so you just make your best decision on that.
• 3:08
  Cheryl: Thank you very much.
• 3:08
  Cheryl: Uhhuh?
• 3:09
  Cheryl: Uhhuh.
• 3:09
  Cheryl: So I went to the party because that meant Yes, it
• 3:12
  Christie: sure did.
• 3:12
  Christie: Yeah.
• 3:13
  Christie: The begging and nagging didn't always work with me, but my kids knew and learned very quickly that they could get me with convenience.
• 3:20
  Christie: Like if they, oh, so what if they could make, sell a case to me of, you know, we should get Chick-Fil-A Mom.
• 3:26
  Christie: You don't wanna really, the dishes, do you, wouldn't it be easier
• 3:31
  Ellen: to just convince you've had such a
• 3:32
  Christie: long day?
• 3:33
  Christie: Right.
• 3:33
  Christie: Yeah.
• 3:33
  Christie: Yeah.
• 3:34
  Christie: And so they could convince me me pretty easily.
• 3:36
  Christie: Yeah.
• 3:36
  Christie: And so that,
• 3:37
  Cheryl: that is true.
• 3:38
  Cheryl: Our children ended up being really good at argument, not arguing.
• 3:43
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 3:43
  Cheryl: But making a good argument.
• 3:44
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 3:44
  Cheryl: To per persuasive.
• 3:46
  Cheryl: Right.
• 3:46
  Cheryl: Very persuasive.
• 3:47
  Ellen: And my kids had.
• 3:49
  Ellen: One.
• 3:49
  Ellen: You know?
• 3:50
  Ellen: Cause they were all just like stairsteps in age.
• 3:52
  Ellen: So one of the daughters was the designated mama.
• 3:55
  Ellen: We say yes to her.
• 3:57
  Ellen: So then go go in and ask mom.
• 3:59
  Ellen: Yes, of course.
• 4:01
  Ellen: So she was the ambassador for, right, right.
• 4:03
  Ellen: friendly laugh
• 4:04
  Cheryl: Um, but I think what we're talking about here more than ongoing conversations, it's the mom, canmy canmy just uhhuh the bombarding all the time.
• 4:14
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 4:14
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 4:14
  Cheryl: And you've said no, that.
• 4:17
  Cheryl: Wears you.
• 4:19
  Cheryl: It does out.
• 4:20
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 4:20
  Cheryl: I mean, that's the reason our moms gave him.
• 4:22
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 4:22
  Cheryl: But just the ongoing, she and, and think it's, I know the mom that sent this and she has kind of stair step about four, like 11 down to four or something like that.
• 4:35
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 4:35
  Cheryl: So somebody always is asking for some of this.
• 4:38
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 4:38
  Cheryl: And, and they're nagging her.
• 4:40
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 4:40
  Cheryl: Right.
• 4:40
  Cheryl: But can we mom, can we, can we go to the zoo, didn't we?
• 4:43
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 4:43
  Cheryl: You know, and they're just doing it.
• 4:45
  Cheryl: So what are the problems with this?
• 4:47
  Cheryl: What's the messiness?
• 4:48
  Christie: Hitting well, yeah.
• 4:49
  Christie: And you're already frazzled and tired, or?
• 4:51
  Christie: I was, anyway.
• 4:52
  Christie: I can speak for myself, but, and also I would forget what I had answered already.
• 4:58
  Ellen: right.
• 4:58
  Ellen: friendly laugh
• 4:59
  Cheryl: For one thing, it absolutely wore me out.
• 5:02
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 5:03
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 5:03
  Cheryl: It just, Hitting at you.
• 5:06
  Cheryl: Hitting at
• 5:06
  you,
• 5:06
  Christie: Uhhuh.
• 5:07
  Christie: So if they, if the revolving door could just rotate a few times in between, they're asking, I would forget.
• 5:12
  Christie: I had already answered that.
• 5:13
  Christie: That's true.
• 5:13
  Christie: And they might get a different answer.
• 5:15
  Christie: Yeah.
• 5:15
  Christie: Not out of breaking me down, but just because I forgot.
• 5:18
  Christie: That's
• 5:18
  Cheryl: true.
• 5:19
  Cheryl: And just you're busy with everything else.
• 5:22
  Cheryl: Right.
• 5:22
  Cheryl: And not noticing.
• 5:24
  Cheryl: Sort of like someone just poking at you on the shoulder, right?
• 5:27
  Cheryl: Over and over, over and over and over, and then you react, right?
• 5:31
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 5:32
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 5:32
  Ellen: I think that's why, because I was a really naggy kid.
• 5:35
  Ellen: I was really firm.
• 5:37
  Ellen: And my saying was, Nagy children get nothing.
• 5:40
  Ellen: Wow.
• 5:40
  Ellen: And that was, my kids knew that.
• 5:42
  Ellen: When that phrase came out, that was the end of the conversation.
• 5:45
  Ellen: And I was pretty good.
• 5:46
  Ellen: If I said yes or no, I would keep my word.
• 5:49
  Ellen: Wow.
• 5:49
  Ellen: So that, I mean, I did a lot of other things wrong, but I know that I was really Firm about the nagging, cuz I really hated, that's probably one childhood thing that just drove me out of my mind when, you know, you got a couple kids and everybody's nagging you.
• 6:02
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 6:03
  Ellen: It adds to the chaos.
• 6:04
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 6:04
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 6:05
  Ellen: So, you know, I've already said no.
• 6:06
  Ellen: If you nag me again, then you're gonna be disciplined because, you know, you're now violating the nogal.
• 6:14
  Cheryl: Right.
• 6:14
  Cheryl: I think one time Christie, you said something like, something about if I answer you now, Um, what, what is it that you said?
• 6:22
  Christie: I thought it was really good.
• 6:23
  Christie: Yeah.
• 6:23
  Christie: I would tell my kids, you know, cuz they'd say, oh, we have to know right now.
• 6:27
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 6:27
  Christie: You know, the urgency of whatever the issue is.
• 6:30
  Christie: And I would, because that's in their favor.
• 6:31
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 6:32
  Cheryl: Put
• 6:32
  Christie: the pressure on so they think, and so I would tell them, if I answer right now, the answer will be no.
• 6:37
  Christie: But if you'll give me time to think about it, let me finish cleaning up the kitchen and process the rest of our day.
• 6:43
  Christie: Right.
• 6:44
  Christie: You know, give it, give it some thought, then there's a possibility I might say yes.
• 6:47
  Cheryl: that's so good Mm-hmm.
• 6:49
  Cheryl: And I remember one time and we're talking early teens and mom kind of, kind of, kind of want to, you know.
• 6:55
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 6:55
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 6:55
  Cheryl: Kept, I need to know, I need to know time sensitive.
• 6:58
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 6:58
  Cheryl: Putting on the pressure, hoping I just break.
• 7:01
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 7:01
  Cheryl: And so I said, just a minute, I didn't have your good words.
• 7:06
  Cheryl: I said, just a minute.
• 7:08
  Cheryl: I want to take some time.
• 7:10
  Cheryl: I want to think about it.
• 7:11
  Cheryl: I wanna pray about it and then I'll let you know.
• 7:13
  Cheryl: And she said, well, that means no.
• 7:16
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 7:17
  Cheryl: And I said, that's not true.
• 7:19
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 7:19
  Cheryl: And I go my delay isn't not my denial.
• 7:22
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 7:23
  Cheryl: And we go, do you want me just to say no now?
• 7:25
  Cheryl: And she said, no.
• 7:26
  Cheryl: No, of course not.
• 7:28
  Cheryl: But I think Cuz that was a, a daughter that liked to push boundaries.
• 7:32
  Cheryl: And I think that built credibility.
• 7:34
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 7:35
  Cheryl: Because there were times I came back and said, yes.
• 7:37
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 7:38
  Cheryl: Right.
• 7:38
  Cheryl: You know, and I mean, it's because I stopped and I took the time.
• 7:42
  Cheryl: Right.
• 7:43
  Cheryl: Rather than feel the pressure caving in one way or or the other.
• 7:46
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 7:46
  Cheryl: Which is what my mom did.
• 7:47
  Cheryl: Right.
• 7:48
  Cheryl: Well,
• 7:48
  Christie: and she could see that you were.
• 7:50
  Christie: Attempting to be reasonable with the situation.
• 7:52
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 7:52
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 7:52
  Christie: You weren't just being flippant with your answer.
• 7:54
  Christie: And I think that was one thing I did too often was I would just say no for the sake of saying no, because it was hard to think about.
• 8:00
  Christie: Sure, yes.
• 8:01
  Christie: How to rearrange the day or, you know, mm-hmm.
• 8:03
  Christie: To, to make everything work.
• 8:05
  Christie: And so I would just say no because it felt easiest.
• 8:07
  Christie: Yeah.
• 8:08
  Christie: And then my kids probably did think, oh, she, you know, won't say yes unless we really push or.
• 8:14
  Christie: Manipulate or, yeah.
• 8:15
  Christie: And so if you can say yes when you can, I think that helps them see like, Hey, I'm on your side.
• 8:20
  Christie: I'm trying to make this work for you.
• 8:21
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 8:21
  Ellen: My kids always appreciated when I said, you gotta gimme some time to think.
• 8:25
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 8:25
  Ellen: You know, cuz otherwise I'm gonna react.
• 8:27
  Ellen: And if I react, it's gonna be no.
• 8:29
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 8:29
  Ellen: You know?
• 8:29
  Ellen: So they were like, oh, okay.
• 8:31
  Ellen: She's gonna take a little bit time.
• 8:32
  Ellen: So least gives us hope.
• 8:34
  Ellen: Right.
• 8:34
  Ellen: You know?
• 8:35
  Cheryl: But.
• 8:36
  Cheryl: What about with little ones though?
• 8:39
  Cheryl: Because this is conversation going on with our older ones.
• 8:42
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 8:42
  Cheryl: Yes, that's true.
• 8:43
  Cheryl: Interaction conversation.
• 8:45
  Cheryl: And so forth.
• 8:45
  Cheryl: But what about, what would y'all say about how to help those who have little ones?
• 8:50
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 8:51
  Cheryl: Who?
• 8:51
  Cheryl: Mommy.
• 8:51
  Cheryl: They mommy all the time.
• 8:53
  Cheryl: And they've already said, I told you no.
• 8:55
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 8:55
  Cheryl: Mommy, mommy, mommy.
• 8:56
  Cheryl: I told you no.
• 8:57
  Cheryl: Right?
• 8:58
  Cheryl: I told you no.
• 8:59
  Cheryl: Yeah, that's, I think she's frustrated because of the bombardment of the little ones.
• 9:05
  Cheryl: What would y'all say
• 9:06
  Christie: into that?
• 9:06
  Christie: I read a, a good response in a book once.
• 9:09
  Christie: I wish I could remember the, which book it was, but um, they said, To respond with little ones.
• 9:15
  Christie: Did, did you ask me?
• 9:17
  Christie: Yes.
• 9:18
  Christie: Did I answer yes rather than just That's true.
• 9:21
  Christie: I told you no.
• 9:22
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 9:22
  Christie: It helps, brings a little bit of logic of the scenario to that.
• 9:25
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 9:25
  Christie: Did you ask me?
• 9:26
  Christie: Yes, I did.
• 9:27
  Christie: And, and did I answer?
• 9:28
  Christie: Yes, I did.
• 9:29
  Christie: And that just kind give him a reality check.
• 9:32
  Christie: This isn't going anywhere.
• 9:33
  Cheryl: Right.
• 9:34
  Cheryl: Also, but what's it gonna take to do that time?
• 9:38
  Cheryl: It's gonna take that old slowing down.
• 9:40
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 9:41
  Cheryl: You know, taking the time, stopping what you're doing.
• 9:44
  But
• 9:44
  Ellen: once you start training your children, To respond to.
• 9:49
  Ellen: Okay.
• 9:49
  Ellen: My mom did listen.
• 9:50
  Ellen: She did hear me, and she said, no, because there's nothing worse as if you don't hold to your no.
• 9:56
  Ellen: Or you're, yes.
• 9:57
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 9:57
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 9:58
  Ellen: If you don't keep, even if you said yes and you wish you hadn't, as long as it's not harmful, you're kind of stuck with it.
• 10:04
  Ellen: You know, because you said yes.
• 10:06
  Ellen: And so then you, your kids learn to trust you.
• 10:09
  Ellen: And I think if they learn, if I, if I'm said no.
• 10:14
  Ellen: There's nothing you're gonna do that's gonna convince me it's only gonna make it worse.
• 10:19
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 10:19
  Ellen: So then there's no room to fight with you over.
• 10:23
  Ellen: No.
• 10:23
  Ellen: Right.
• 10:23
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 10:24
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 10:24
  Ellen: And you have to train your children to believe when you say no, it is a no.
• 10:30
  Ellen: When you say yes, it is
• 10:31
  Cheryl: a yes.
• 10:32
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 10:32
  Cheryl: I think what you're talking about though is not a legalistic, harsh, no barrier, but in this relationship it's actually respect.
• 10:41
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 10:41
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 10:42
  Cheryl: And it kind of goes back to what we did in our last q and a.
• 10:46
  Cheryl: You know, we were talking about lying and truth telling.
• 10:48
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 10:49
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 10:49
  Cheryl: That we're being really honest.
• 10:50
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 10:51
  Cheryl: And, and it's in the honesty.
• 10:54
  Cheryl: Did I say no?
• 10:55
  Cheryl: And I'm sticking with it.
• 10:56
  Cheryl: I'm holding it's trust,
• 10:58
  Ellen: Cheryl, that's true.
• 10:59
  Ellen: Trust because don't have to trust.
• 11:01
  Ellen: When I say no, I mean no.
• 11:03
  Ellen: And when I say yes, I mean yes.
• 11:06
  Ellen: And we don't barter with my trust.
• 11:08
  Christie: Oh, that's good.
• 11:09
  Ellen: Right?
• 11:09
  Ellen: True.
• 11:09
  Ellen: I.
• 11:10
  Ellen: I had a reason for saying yes.
• 11:11
  Ellen: And a
• 11:12
  Christie: reason for saying no.
• 11:12
  Christie: Yeah.
• 11:13
  Christie: And I think as, as often as possible to give them that reason.
• 11:16
  Christie: Yeah.
• 11:16
  Christie: You know, you're not obligated to, but it sure will help for them to see like you're making a reasonable statement when you say no.
• 11:23
  Christie: And especially if it can be something that would benefit them.
• 11:27
  Christie: Yes.
• 11:27
  Christie: You know?
• 11:28
  Christie: Well, we can't do that right now because then you would miss your play date.
• 11:32
  Christie: Well, that makes a lot, a lot of sense to a four year old.
• 11:34
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 11:34
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 11:34
  Ellen: You can't have that now.
• 11:35
  Ellen: Cause we're having lunch in a
• 11:36
  Cheryl: minute.
• 11:36
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 11:37
  Cheryl: And that's relationships.
• 11:38
  Cheryl: And those are right.
• 11:39
  Cheryl: Rather than rule.
• 11:41
  Cheryl: And that helps
• 11:41
  Ellen: them understand the world.
• 11:43
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 11:43
  Ellen: Because the world is not gonna say yes to them.
• 11:45
  Ellen: Right.
• 11:46
  Ellen: Most likely the world's gonna say no.
• 11:48
  Ellen: And that's what rules are.
• 11:50
  Ellen: You go to school, you have rules, you drive a car, you have, you know, life is filled with rules.
• 11:55
  Ellen: Some of those are very legalists.
• 11:56
  Ellen: Stick and you can't get around them.
• 11:58
  Ellen: But if they learn early that when you say no, it means no.
• 12:01
  Ellen: And when you say yes, it means yes.
• 12:03
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 12:03
  Ellen: And you're not, you are not
• 12:04
  Cheryl: vacillating.
• 12:05
  Cheryl: But as a parent, you have to have so much emotional margin that you can do it.
• 12:10
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 12:11
  Cheryl: And that you can stop yourself.
• 12:12
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 12:13
  Cheryl: Have the conversations.
• 12:15
  Cheryl: Remember, like you were saying.
• 12:16
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 12:17
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 12:17
  Cheryl: and
• 12:17
  Ellen: sometimes I've had to go back and say, you know, I changed my mind.
• 12:21
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 12:21
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 12:21
  Ellen: And you didn't nag me and you didn't keep bugging me.
• 12:24
  Ellen: And yeah.
• 12:24
  Ellen: I think it's okay if you do that
• 12:26
  Christie: now.
• 12:26
  Christie: Yes.
• 12:26
  Christie: That's huge.
• 12:27
  Christie: I forgot about that.
• 12:28
  Christie: Yeah.
• 12:28
  Christie: But I would say that to my kids a lot if I thought they did it right.
• 12:30
  Christie: Yeah.
• 12:31
  Christie: And I did ha, you know, not not change my mind because they did it right.
• 12:34
  Christie: Yeah.
• 12:34
  Christie: But if I saw, yeah, but had time to think about it and decided, I said no flippantly.
• 12:38
  Christie: Then I went back and I could change my mind then, or my husband wouldn't
• 12:41
  Ellen: go, I think you're being a little, a little harsh.
• 12:44
  Ellen: They could probably go do that.
• 12:45
  Ellen: I go, okay so there's all those dimensions.
• 12:49
  Christie: Another thing we would do too is I would tell my kids they could pray for my decision to change if they asked me and I said no, you know, gave them.
• 12:58
  Christie: Some, um, voice in the matter.
• 13:00
  Christie: They could go to the Lord and they could ask for the Lord to change my mind.
• 13:03
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 13:04
  Christie: If I was wrong in saying no and they didn't feel helpless.
• 13:07
  Christie: Yeah.
• 13:07
  Christie: That's unheard.
• 13:08
  Christie: That's right.
• 13:09
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 13:09
  Ellen: And I just remember being taught.
• 13:11
  Ellen: Always say yes.
• 13:13
  Ellen: You know, that's what my mentors
• 13:14
  Cheryl: told me.
• 13:15
  Cheryl: You mean be predisposed
• 13:16
  Ellen: to say, right?
• 13:17
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 13:17
  Ellen: Cause I think, Chris, you were talking about that a little bit.
• 13:18
  Ellen: You know, just be predisposed to say yes and it made it a little easier.
• 13:23
  Ellen: It got a little harder in the teen years.
• 13:25
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 13:25
  Ellen: Cuz you had to do a little more thinking.
• 13:27
  Ellen: But most of the time we started to talk.
• 13:28
  Ellen: If they're your little ones, most of the time you can say yes or it's just, it's might be just no for the next hour.
• 13:36
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 13:36
  Ellen: But in their little minds, you know, that could put them on the floor with temper tantrum.
• 13:40
  Ellen: But you know, I think a lot of times, especially with really young kids, we don't think through the scenarios enough, so they catch us off guard.
• 13:49
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 13:49
  Ellen: You know, we don't That's true.
• 13:51
  Ellen: You know, and so we're like, oh, I don't know.
• 13:53
  Ellen: I'll just say no cuz I hadn't really thought about this.
• 13:55
  Christie: And it's funny you say that it was.
• 13:57
  Christie: Harder in the teen.
• 13:59
  Christie: We're all different.
• 13:59
  Christie: But I feel like that's been a key for me with teens to say yes as much as possible, where my husband and I are a little bit different in this.
• 14:08
  Christie: He just wants to say no to everything.
• 14:09
  Christie: Cause it's safer.
• 14:10
  Christie: Keep up with chain of their beds and nobody gets hurt, you know?
• 14:12
  Christie: Yeah.
• 14:13
  Christie: But, um, I, I feel like that's been really helpful with teens to say yes as much as possible.
• 14:18
  Christie: Right.
• 14:18
  Christie: So my no has valid.
• 14:20
  Christie: Reason and wait,
• 14:22
  Cheryl: but remember cuz we've talked about y'all when you had all those little ones, you are bombarded.
• 14:27
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 14:28
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 14:28
  Cheryl: With so much.
• 14:29
  Cheryl: And
• 14:30
  Ellen: I'm getting PTs d from us.
• 14:32
  Ellen: I'm not talking about it,
• 14:35
  Cheryl: but that's why some teachers say no.
• 14:38
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 14:38
  Cheryl: Because you're shutting it all down.
• 14:39
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 14:40
  Cheryl: So it's just the same old thing.
• 14:42
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 14:42
  Cheryl: We've got to slow down.
• 14:44
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 14:44
  Cheryl: Get some margin.
• 14:45
  Cheryl: And it's okay to
• 14:46
  Ellen: say I can't answer right now.
• 14:48
  Ellen: I've got too much going on.
• 14:49
  Ellen: I can't think.
• 14:50
  Ellen: Give me a little while and I will get
• 14:52
  Cheryl: back to you.
• 14:53
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 14:53
  Cheryl: And what I'd like to do with mine, When I did it right, is little ones go down, close face-to-face.
• 15:00
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 15:01
  Cheryl: And talk to them instead of pronouncing down to them, go down and explain it.
• 15:07
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 15:07
  Cheryl: And say, listen, so that means don't ask me again.
• 15:10
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 15:10
  Cheryl: I'll come so that we start, set the pattern, because when I read this question, I think this, it's a mom that she's just being pounded, pounded, pounded, and she's not drawing lines until she blows up.
• 15:26
  Cheryl: Right.
• 15:26
  Cheryl: And we want to avoid that.
• 15:28
  Christie: Yeah.
• 15:29
  Christie: I think another thing to be a little more proactive, if you know that there's a.
• 15:32
  Christie: A time or a, a scenario that your kids are prone to doing this?
• 15:37
  Christie: For me, it was play dates.
• 15:39
  Christie: Anytime we played with friends, I could guarantee they were gonna ask for one friend to come home with us or Yeah.
• 15:46
  Christie: Or you know, the extended play date.
• 15:47
  Christie: Yeah.
• 15:48
  Christie: And so we would talk about it beforehand and say, Every time we play with this family, you always want so-and-so to come home afterwards.
• 15:56
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 15:56
  Christie: When we, when we get to that moment, you need to know that's not gonna be an option today.
• 16:00
  Christie: I'm sorry.
• 16:01
  Christie: You know?
• 16:01
  Christie: And so to kind of prep ahead of time and I think gets it out of the moment.
• 16:07
  Christie: And then they, when the time comes and they get the urge, they know, oh yeah, she's already, they already said this.
• 16:11
  Cheryl: Oh, I remember.
• 16:13
  Cheryl: Oh, we had that rule too.
• 16:14
  Christie: Yes.
• 16:14
  Cheryl: Because that can get uncomfortable with the other child, right?
• 16:18
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 16:19
  Cheryl: And so, Understand if you ask.
• 16:22
  Cheryl: And they're there now.
• 16:23
  Cheryl: They've already talked about it in the other room.
• 16:25
  Cheryl: Right, right.
• 16:25
  Cheryl: But that's different than bringing them to you.
• 16:28
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 16:28
  Cheryl: And saying, can Sally stay over?
• 16:31
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 16:31
  Cheryl: That
• 16:31
  Christie: was Or come back an automatic?
• 16:33
  Christie: No.
• 16:33
  Christie: Yeah.
• 16:33
  Ellen: So these big four eyes are looking up at you for the answer.
• 16:37
  Cheryl: But Ellen.
• 16:38
  Cheryl: This goes back to your thinking ahead of time.
• 16:40
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 16:41
  Cheryl: And like this, thinking of the scenarios and preparing them, you know, we're gonna go there and we.
• 16:47
  Cheryl: Whenever we get there, this always happens.
• 16:49
  Cheryl: Right?
• 16:50
  Cheryl: So don't ask about this.
• 16:52
  Cheryl: We've already made our decision,
• 16:53
  Christie: or even worse, the checkout at the grocery store.
• 16:56
  Christie: Yes.
• 16:56
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 16:56
  Christie: When you've got a line of people behind you.
• 16:58
  Christie: Yeah.
• 16:58
  Christie: My kids knew I was feeling pressured.
• 17:00
  Christie: Right.
• 17:00
  Christie: Then they could grab all the little mm-hmm.
• 17:02
  Christie: Gum and everything.
• 17:04
  Christie: Yeah.
• 17:05
  Christie: they were students of you, they, oh, they knew me very well.
• 17:07
  Ellen: And if you establish from the beginning that we don't get anything here, Uhhuh ever Uhhuh, Uhhuh, you know?
• 17:13
  Ellen: And so when you do, it might be a treat, right?
• 17:15
  Ellen: Then they're not gonna nag you, right?
• 17:16
  Ellen: Because they're, it's already a built in.
• 17:17
  Ellen: They understand, okay, we don't get to pick stuff off the shelf.
• 17:22
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 17:22
  Ellen: You know, um, because we want it.
• 17:24
  Ellen: Right.
• 17:25
  Ellen: And so then, you know, cuz that's, that's, we see lots of.
• 17:28
  Ellen: Kids having their meltdowns.
• 17:29
  Ellen: Right, right then and there.
• 17:31
  Ellen: And then it becomes a treat
• 17:32
  Christie: when they do get it.
• 17:32
  Christie: Yeah.
• 17:33
  Christie: Or if you do wanna buy'em something, just tell'em from the get go.
• 17:36
  Christie: Yeah.
• 17:36
  Christie: We're getting one thing.
• 17:37
  Christie: Exactly.
• 17:37
  Christie: Everyone will get one, you know, whatever.
• 17:39
  Cheryl: Exactly.
• 17:40
  Cheryl: But this is taking the time to think ahead of time.
• 17:44
  Cheryl: Right.
• 17:45
  Cheryl: Draw the boundaries.
• 17:46
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 17:47
  Cheryl: And then say whatever.
• 17:48
  Cheryl: So you aren't having the meltdown, right?
• 17:51
  Cheryl: Right.
• 17:51
  Cheryl: And then you're so embarrassed, you go, sure.
• 17:53
  Cheryl: Here, eat three candy bars.
• 17:55
  Cheryl: Right.
• 17:55
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 17:55
  Cheryl: No.
• 17:56
  Cheryl: Keep it going.
• 17:56
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 17:57
  Cheryl: Okay, one of the things.
• 18:01
  Cheryl: I had not thought about early on because I was not so good at it, is am I setting a pattern for nagging in the way I treat my children?
• 18:14
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 18:14
  Cheryl: Because, I wouldn't just tell them once.
• 18:19
  Cheryl: I would say, go get your backpack.
• 18:21
  Cheryl: I'm busy, busy, busy, busy.
• 18:22
  Cheryl: Did you get your backpack?
• 18:23
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 18:24
  Cheryl: Busy, busy, busy.
• 18:25
  Cheryl: Did you get your backpack?
• 18:26
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 18:26
  Cheryl: And what I'm doing is I'm nagging them.
• 18:29
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 18:29
  Cheryl: Right?
• 18:29
  Cheryl: Instead of thinking it through being intentional and that I'm not in a pattern of nagging.
• 18:36
  Christie: That's really good.
• 18:37
  Christie: like we've said on the podcast before, require, don't remind.
• 18:40
  Christie: You don't need to say it a million times like your, if your word is your word yes, then it's both sides
• 18:45
  Cheryl: of that.
• 18:45
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 18:46
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 18:46
  Cheryl: And go back and explain.
• 18:47
  Cheryl: Require, don't remind cuz we haven't mentioned that in a while.
• 18:50
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 18:50
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 18:50
  Christie: Requiring meaning you've given them the directive and there's a consequence if they don't.
• 18:56
  Christie: But not reminding them again and again and again.
• 18:59
  Christie: You've already said it.
• 19:00
  Christie: They know.
• 19:00
  Christie: They know what they're supposed to do.
• 19:01
  Christie: Now, maybe they're some leeway when they're little bitty, you know, you're still training them.
• 19:05
  Christie: Yeah, sure.
• 19:05
  Christie: But as they get older, mm-hmm.
• 19:07
  Christie: If they don't have their backpack, that's gonna be really unfortunate when they get to school,
• 19:12
  Ellen: and those are the hard things.
• 19:13
  Ellen: Sometimes we have to let them go without their backpack or whatever it was.
• 19:18
  Ellen: And you know, you have to keep the consequences in context of all of life.
• 19:22
  Ellen: That's a good learning time.
• 19:24
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 19:24
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 19:24
  Ellen: You know, they forgot and you're not coming to school or wherever it is to provide that.
• 19:29
  Ellen: They have to go without that for the
• 19:30
  Cheryl: whole day.
• 19:31
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 19:31
  Cheryl: And see this is a different aspect, but it has to do with what we're talking about.
• 19:35
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 19:35
  Cheryl: That we're want to equip them the right way.
• 19:39
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 19:39
  Cheryl: And.
• 19:40
  Cheryl: You know, not to enable them.
• 19:43
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 19:43
  Cheryl: Because I knew someone and she was so good if her child, uh, may have mentioned for her child, ended up going to school in his pajamas because he would not get ready.
• 19:55
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 19:55
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 19:55
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 19:56
  Cheryl: Or no lunch, right?
• 19:57
  Cheryl: Or no backpack.
• 19:59
  Cheryl: Or no books and he learned to start doing it, But I was so impressed.
• 20:04
  Cheryl: Yeah, because I would've probably nagged.
• 20:06
  Cheryl: Right.
• 20:07
  Cheryl: Get your backpack.
• 20:07
  Cheryl: Get your clothes off.
• 20:08
  Cheryl: Get your clothes off.
• 20:08
  Cheryl: That's
• 20:09
  Christie: so good.
• 20:09
  Christie: I think we should do a whole episode on natural consequences today.
• 20:12
  Christie: That's really hard.
• 20:13
  Christie: No,
• 20:14
  Ellen: it's very true.
• 20:14
  Ellen: Cuz there's nothing worse than being the nagging mom.
• 20:17
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 20:17
  Ellen: Because then you're more exhausted than your kids are listening to you.
• 20:21
  Ellen: And I think figuring out ways to communicate well, depending on the ages of your children, so they know what's expected.
• 20:27
  Ellen: And I think I, one of my strengths was I did write everything down.
• 20:31
  Ellen: Everybody had a notebook and we put stuff in.
• 20:34
  Ellen: Wow.
• 20:34
  Ellen: You know, part of it was their school schedule.
• 20:36
  Ellen: But I would write, okay, today is Wednesday.
• 20:39
  Ellen: We're going here.
• 20:40
  Ellen: This is what you need.
• 20:41
  Ellen: So they had it when they could read.
• 20:42
  Ellen: Of course they had it before them.
• 20:44
  Ellen: This is what's required to get into the car.
• 20:46
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 20:47
  Ellen: So one nag was, does everybody have what's on their list?
• 20:51
  Ellen: And I, that's not a nag, that's a reminder.
• 20:53
  Ellen: Right.
• 20:53
  Ellen: But I'm saying that's it.
• 20:55
  Ellen: You've already gotten a written reminder, Uhhuh, and you get one oral reminder usually.
• 21:00
  Ellen: Wow.
• 21:01
  Ellen: And so then there's, they can't say anything when, when something happens.
• 21:06
  Cheryl: Christie, I think she should have parented it.
• 21:07
  Cheryl: I know, that's what I was
• 21:08
  Christie: gonna say.
• 21:08
  Christie: Well, come and raise me.
• 21:10
  Christie: I don't think I was
• 21:10
  Ellen: gonna say there was some things that, you know, were good and other things were, you know, I didn't do quite as well, but because I'm a naturally organized person.
• 21:18
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 21:18
  Ellen: Uhhuh, I did that for myself.
• 21:20
  Ellen: And I would do that for the kids, and I think that helped in a lot of press pressure situations because we were military, we're constantly moving.
• 21:28
  Ellen: We kind of had a crazy lifestyle.
• 21:30
  Ellen: That's true.
• 21:30
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 21:30
  Ellen: People coming and going.
• 21:31
  Ellen: That made it a lot easier if I just wrote everybody a note or wrote it up.
• 21:35
  Ellen: I mean, even now my husband and I use our whiteboard to communicate where each other is.
• 21:40
  Ellen: And we know each other's schedule cuz it just makes life easier.
• 21:43
  Cheryl: Right?
• 21:43
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 21:43
  Cheryl: I love that.
• 21:44
  Cheryl: And we did, we had, they had schedules, they had their own individual schedules.
• 21:47
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 21:48
  Cheryl: And when I did it right, I would say, everybody be sure you have what you need.
• 21:52
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 21:53
  Cheryl: We're not talking about the training years, right.
• 21:55
  Cheryl: When they're really little.
• 21:56
  Cheryl: You have to train them with reinforcement and all of that.
• 21:59
  Cheryl: Right.
• 21:59
  Cheryl: But as they got older, holding them accountable,
• 22:02
  Christie: require, don't remind.
• 22:04
  Cheryl: yes.
• 22:05
  Cheryl: which is what we're talking about, the saying no to their na.
• 22:07
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 22:08
  Ellen: From aid and on, they should be able to read a simple note mm-hmm.
• 22:12
  Ellen: Of what's required.
• 22:13
  Ellen: If you're gonna go.
• 22:14
  Ellen: On a trip or whatever.
• 22:16
  Ellen: This is the things you need.
• 22:17
  Ellen: And below that, you know, you're kind of having to do a few more helpful reminders, like put your backpack by the door before we, things like that.
• 22:25
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 22:25
  Ellen: But you know, by eight and up, if they can read, they should be able to follow those simple instructions.
• 22:31
  Ellen: And then they're the ones who lose if.
• 22:33
  Ellen: They forgot their underwear.
• 22:35
  Ellen: Right.
• 22:37
  Christie: Which could be a very awkward
• 22:38
  Ellen: situation.
• 22:38
  Ellen: Yes.
• 22:39
  Ellen: They don't do it again.
• 22:40
  Ellen: Hopefully they remember the pants.
• 22:42
  Cheryl: So isn't it interesting we get a specific area?
• 22:47
  Cheryl: To answer a specific question.
• 22:49
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 22:49
  Cheryl: And it just bleeds all over all kinds of the different aspects of our whole family life.
• 22:56
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 22:56
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 22:56
  Christie: Which I was thinking this is off topic and a little bit of a freebie, I guess, but just thinking in the ways that we all handle scenarios differently and when we sit around the table, we all share different experiences with our kids.
• 23:08
  Christie: Uhhuh and some struggled in some ways.
• 23:09
  Christie: Yeah.
• 23:10
  Christie: And some didn't and some handled things differently.
• 23:12
  Christie: I just think.
• 23:13
  Christie: It's good for any of our listeners to hear that too, that yes, comparison is the death of contentment and you know, just to enjoy your gifts and your weaknesses and your kids' gifts and their weaknesses and how your family runs and your home environment, and there's beauty in all of it.
• 23:30
  Christie: Yeah, that's really very,
• 23:32
  Cheryl: very good.
• 23:32
  Cheryl: Excellent cuz it comes back to your own core values.
• 23:35
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 23:36
  Cheryl: And the relationship within your
• 23:37
  Ellen: family.
• 23:37
  Ellen: And if you have more than one child, don't get excited cuz it worked with child one.
• 23:42
  Ellen: Right.
• 23:42
  Ellen: Because it probably won't work with child two.
• 23:44
  Ellen: Right.
• 23:45
  Cheryl: Got it.
• 23:45
  Cheryl: This is great.
• 23:47
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 23:48
  Cheryl: Thank you so much.
• 23:49
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 23:51
  Cheryl: Parents, remember, hang in there.
• 23:53
  Cheryl: Keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.
• 24:04
  You know, nagging is just one of those parenting issues that's pesky and can bring a lot of turmoil, but slowing down.
• 24:14
  Taking the time to respond, and like Ellen said, having a plan beforehand really seems to be a help.
• 24:23
  So regardless of her children's ages, when it comes to nagging, is that an easier area for you or something you struggle with?
• 24:33
  We always want to hear from you.
• 24:35
  DM us.
• 24:36
  Go to our website or text contact@theparentingpodcast.com.
• 24:43
  I think this conversation really proved what Christie was talking about, that like you, our listening audience, we, the T PPP recording team aren't all coming from just one perspective or one style.
• 24:59
  But seeking to approach everything as individuals with our own viewpoint choices, focus, and specifically our way of handling parenting.
• 25:12
  Next week on the Parenting podcast, we will go back to our series on the family Road trip.
• 25:18
  This time adding an important extension, the season, which includes our grown and adult children.
• 25:28
  I hope you can join us and remember, T P P is always here to help you flourish and to bring your heart hope.