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15 | The Junk Drawer of the Soul · You Didn't Ask For This

• 0:00
  Eric: So you all moved in?
• 0:01
  Matt: Uh yeah, more or less.
• 0:02
  Matt: I mean, we still got some like boxes kicking around that, you know, just haven't gotten to.
• 0:07
  Matt: But I have been exploring uh this apartment complex.
• 0:11
  Matt: Uh I think I told you that yeah, well, you know, the various like a cartographer?
• 0:17
  Matt: A little like a cartographer, yeah.
• 0:18
  Matt: So the yes, like uh like Jacques Cartier.
• 0:23
  Matt: I am going across the the frozen tundras.
• 0:26
  Matt: Uh it's not frozen.
• 0:27
  Matt: I don't know why I said that.
• 0:28
  Matt: But listen, so I think I told you that outside our window is a Zen garden.
• 0:33
  Eric: You did not tell me that.
• 0:35
  Matt: Okay, so first of all, I am outside a Zen garden.
• 0:38
  Matt: It does have a river.
• 0:39
  Matt: Uh it's very soothing.
• 0:41
  Matt: Um, yeah, man, I got a cherry blossom tree right the fuck in my porch, basically.
• 0:47
  Matt: Yeah, but that's not the amenity I want you to talk about.
• 0:50
  Matt: We can come back to the Zen garden.
• 0:52
  Matt: I want to talk about something else that I found in another so basically we got I'm now in one big like building, you know, as opposed to where I was before where I open with breezeways.
• 1:03
  Matt: So I'm getting used to like opening the door to a hallway and not and not just open air and wood planks as the floor.
• 1:11
  Matt: Like I often thought if there's a fire in this hall, in this stairwell, and let's just say clean sweep, all the wood burns.
• 1:18
  Matt: Like we're just stuck here on the third floor.
• 1:20
  Matt: Like we're just three flights up with nowhere to go.
• 1:22
  Matt: Anyway, dark thought.
• 1:25
  Matt: So anyway, I want to talk about in what so these buildings surround like various courtyards, right?
• 1:31
  Matt: One of which is being the Zen Garden.
• 1:33
  Matt: Another one being the Great Lawn, which is exactly what it sounds like.
• 1:37
  Matt: It looks like a quad from any college campus, just any any of them.
• 1:42
  Eric: Okay, so this is like a holdover from the time when like lawns were it.
• 1:45
  Eric: Like that's how you establish dominance.
• 1:48
  Matt: I think no, I think it's just like supposed to be this is the open area.
• 1:52
  Matt: This is one big open area.
• 1:54
  Eric: It's there to make everyone think about all the things they could possibly do there that they will never do.
• 1:59
  Matt: That they will never do, yes.
• 2:01
  Eric: Never do.
• 2:01
  Matt: Yes, like sit out and sunbast.
• 2:04
  Eric: We can have a picnic, a kickball.
• 2:06
  Matt: Oh yeah, picnic, whatever.
• 2:07
  Matt: Yeah, play catch or whatever, and then people don't do it because everyone can see you.
• 2:11
  Matt: Uh then there's this other, I don't know it's if it has an official name.
• 2:16
  Matt: Uh-huh.
• 2:17
  Matt: But what I think it is nice, it's got like a fire pit with a TV, like an outdoor TV situation.
• 2:24
  Matt: That's pretty cool.
• 2:25
  Matt: But but I want to talk about the other thing in that courtyard.
• 2:28
  Matt: Okay.
• 2:29
  Matt: There is a there is a life size chess board.
• 2:36
  Eric: You had my interest.
• 2:38
  Eric: Now you have my attention.
• 2:40
  Matt: There is a life now when I say life size, I don't mean like six foot tall matche height, no pieces, but like big ass chess pieces.
• 2:48
  Matt: I'd say like the queen I'd say like the top of these pieces uh are with with the exception of the you know the pawns, which are shorter, I'd say like all the tall pieces probably come to about like chest height, like nipple height.
• 3:03
  Matt: So like third grader height.
• 3:05
  Eric: So like you could you could thrash a third grader with these chess pieces.
• 3:08
  Matt: Would you stop painting me in such a light?
• 3:12
  Matt: Regardless.
• 3:14
  Matt: Uh yes, the uh they're about third grader height.
• 3:17
  Matt: So now what I've noticed is that that no one uh now I don't face this, I face the Zen God and Namaste.
• 3:25
  Matt: But the what's that?
• 3:26
  Matt: Namaste.
• 3:27
  Matt: Thank you.
• 3:28
  Matt: Uh so anyway, I don't face it.
• 3:32
  Matt: I can't keep an eye on it, if you will.
• 3:35
  Matt: But I don't know, how would you interact?
• 3:37
  Matt: How do you recommend to me that I go about interacting with this chessboard?
• 3:43
  Matt: Because I feel as though what I would like to do, because I found it a bit uh the other day in a bit of disarray.
• 3:49
  Matt: One of the bishops' heads was off, so I of course repaired it.
• 3:53
  Eric: Wait, okay.
• 3:54
  Eric: Question one, how did you repair it?
• 3:57
  Eric: It just screws off.
• 3:58
  Eric: Oh, okay.
• 3:58
  Eric: I was like, I didn't sit there with MacGyver together, do field triage for a bishop.
• 4:05
  Matt: Yeah, yeah, no, no, no.
• 4:07
  Matt: I wasn't doing surgery.
• 4:09
  Matt: Yeah, I just screwed the thing back together.
• 4:11
  Matt: They're plastic with like probably sand in the base to keep it up.
• 4:15
  Matt: But anyway, yeah, I'll and I'll put a picture on the Instagram, don't worry.
• 4:18
  Matt: Uh, of this chessboard.
• 4:20
  Matt: Okay.
• 4:20
  Matt: But here's my thought.
• 4:21
  Matt: I'm thinking, do I I often find it mid-game.
• 4:25
  Matt: Lindsay and I walked upon it the other day and was analyzing the check that it was left in.
• 4:30
  Matt: It wasn't a checkmate.
• 4:32
  Matt: It was not a checkmate, it was just a check.
• 4:34
  Matt: Why?
• 4:34
  Matt: He could have gotten out of it.
• 4:35
  Matt: The you know, white could have gotten out of it.
• 4:38
  Matt: But as it was, they were in check.
• 4:40
  Matt: So I can only assume there was some sort of blow-up.
• 4:43
  Matt: You know, he got in check and he just quit.
• 4:45
  Matt: Just fuck done.
• 4:47
  Matt: But I'm thinking, do I try a long game?
• 4:51
  Matt: Do I try a mystery game where I go, I reset the board, I play as White for the sake of this game, and I move, I make I make one.
• 4:59
  Matt: And then you just walk away.
• 5:01
  Matt: One solitary move, come back tomorrow.
• 5:04
  Eric: I love that.
• 5:05
  Matt: I love anybody that see if anybody played me.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_04: One opener and walk away.
• 5:11
  Eric: But like just tape a little note to the PC move, just says, play me.
• 5:15
  Eric: One move, one move.
• 5:17
  Matt: Yeah, I mean, now this would ruin, not ruin, uh if anyone actually wants to play, they'd have to just it would ruin my plan.
• 5:28
  Matt: But it doesn't seem to be a super popular uh amenity, is what I'm trying to say.
• 5:33
  Eric: Yeah.
• 5:34
  Eric: And I mean, if you wanted, if you wanted to commit, because you know how I am about commitment to the bit, what you could do commit to the bit, maybe print out a little like a paper that just has the chessboard array on it, and then at the once you've made each move, just record where each piece is and slap it on there and be like, so people could reset the board after they play their game.
• 5:56
  Matt: Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.
• 5:58
  Eric: To its state, it'll take a few minutes each time you want to record it, but like where the I think so what I think, yeah.
• 6:04
  Matt: I I think I might make the one move.
• 6:06
  Matt: Yeah.
• 6:08
  Eric: I'll document it on the Instagram and I'll we'll just see if anything happens with this.
• 6:12
  Eric: Just see fuck.
• 6:13
  Eric: You just start you just start a whole like new Instagram just called your move.
• 6:16
  Eric: Your move.
• 6:17
  Eric: You'll move.
• 6:19
  Eric: God.
• 6:19
  Eric: And if you what have if you win, you've technically beaten your entire apartment complex.
• 6:25
  Matt: Well, it uh the thing is, so like the you know, all it the courtyards are in between buildings, right?
• 6:32
  Matt: So all these buildings are like looking down at it.
• 6:34
  Matt: So people will be able to see me do this.
• 6:37
  Matt: So maybe what I do is I do that one move, and then like Russell Crowe on the on the gladiator poster, I just kind of strut around the courtyard saying, Who among you?
• 6:50
  Matt: Yes.
• 6:51
  Eric: Who dares challenge me?
• 6:54
  Eric: I I I cannot overstate how much I love this.
• 6:58
  Eric: I want you like before you even make the move, like you put your hand on a piece and you like look around, all paranoid-like at the one surrounding you, like shaking your head in disdain as you move your piece forward, daring them to attack.
• 7:12
  Matt: Each time make a huge proclamation to the courtyard.
• 7:16
  Matt: Yes.
• 7:16
  Matt: A whole soliloquy.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_04: F7!
• 7:22
  Matt: That's how he became the most beloved neighbor in the quad and welcome back to yet another episode of You Didn't Ask for This, episode 15.
• 7:46
  Matt: My name is Matt Shea.
• 7:47
  Matt: My name is Eric Poach.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_03: And hey guys, I am Paul Dion.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_03: Who the What?
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_03: Live from the pod room.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_03: How did you get in here?
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_03: When you moved, I was already here.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_03: I was living in the washing machine.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_04: Oh my god, you were in that washing machine.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_03: I was the smell in the washing machine.
• 8:07
  Eric: On this, the day of our podcasts, Quincenera.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_04: I didn't get where's my gift?
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_04: Didn't are shouldn't we be getting gifts?
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_04: Uh did you bring gifts?
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_04: So uh we have a guest.
• 8:24
  Matt: Oh, yeah.
• 8:24
  Matt: I should probably mention that.
• 8:26
  Matt: I should probably mention that.
• 8:27
  Matt: We just go on zero context provided.
• 8:31
  Matt: Uh yes, episode 15 is episode one with guest.
• 8:37
  Matt: Uh so welcome, Paul Diem, Baltimore native, correct?
• 8:43
  Matt: Indeed.
• 8:44
  Matt: Uh, actor, director, superstar, single carrot theater ensemble member.
• 8:50
  Matt: God among men.
• 8:52
  Matt: God among men.
• 8:54
  Matt: How are you?
• 8:55
  Matt: I mean, at least like sub deity, but sure.
• 8:57
  Matt: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 8:59
  Matt: I mean, well, let's not give you too much clout.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_03: You're one of Zeus's oats.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_03: Like I can't I can't lift the hammer, but I'm pretty strong.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 9:10
  Matt: Uh so, Paul, welcome.
• 9:13
  Matt: Thank you for coming.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_03: Hey guys, thanks for having me.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_03: This is exciting.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_03: So, to begin, right out the gate, Paul.
• 9:20
  Matt: Oh, okay.
• 9:21
  Matt: We're just gonna.
• 9:22
  Eric: Oh, we're just going right the fuck in.
• 9:23
  Matt: All right, go for it.
• 9:24
  Eric: Paul.
• 9:25
  Eric: We're gonna play, we're gonna do a little mental exercise.
• 9:27
  Eric: All right.
• 9:28
  Eric: All right.
• 9:28
  Eric: I want you to off the top of your head name three of your favorite bands or musical artists.
• 9:34
  Eric: You don't have to think too hard about just three bands you you love.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_03: Like you just listen to them any day.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_03: Well, the uh the first band is my I think anytime someone says band, it's the first thing I think of because my all-time favorite band.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_03: It's a band called No FX.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_03: Um, and then uh Bob Dylan, and then uh Bad Cop, Bad Cop.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_03: Those are the three things that pop into my head.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_03: Perfect.
• 9:56
  Eric: So now good choices.
• 9:58
  Eric: But they're phenomenal choices.
• 10:00
  Eric: Paul, I want you're gonna pick one of them.
• 10:02
  Eric: And the one that you pick from this day forward until the end of time, any recording you listening to of that artist, any like album vinyl you might have, if you go to see them live, it will forever be the kids bop version of that artist.
• 10:19
  Eric: Which one, which one of which one do you choose?
• 10:21
  Eric: That's easy.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_03: It's Bob Dylan.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_03: Bob Dylan.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_03: I was kidding.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_03: So hoping you would say Bob.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_03: Kids Bop Kids of being like, you know, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_03: The answer my friend is blowing in the blowing in the.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_03: That's gonna be great.
• 10:36
  Eric: Uh yes.
• 10:36
  Eric: That other as soon as you said Bob Dylan's like, please pick Bob Dylan.
• 10:39
  Matt: Oh my god.
• 10:40
  Matt: Can you imagine some like fourth grade girl being like, but it ain't me, babe.
• 10:46
  Matt: It's a me, babe.
• 10:47
  Matt: Some little kindergartner, like, brothers, sisters, please he the cow.
• 10:52
  Matt: Oh, they try to do with the Bob Dylan voice.
• 10:54
  Eric: Oh, yeah, oh yeah.
• 10:55
  Eric: Oh, oh, I would I would kill for some little third grade drive to do popdyl.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_03: But they also gotta dance too.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_03: They gotta dance.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_03: Like they've got to have like synchronized dance moves and all that.
• 11:06
  Matt: Yeah, yeah.
• 11:06
  Matt: You know, you gotta have the music video.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, that's that that's where it is.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_03: I'm I'm fascinated by kids bop because my niece listens to a lot of kids bop being nine.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_03: And when she says, Hey, uh, hey, Alexa, play kids bop, it says, it says, you know, uh, this is whatever, uh uh It ain't me, babe by Bob Dylan.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_03: Kids bop kids.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, they get so it's like it's like kids bop kids.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_03: Let's be clear what's happening.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 11:30
  Matt: Yeah, they have to they have to make sure uh that no one came here by mistake.
• 11:34
  Eric: And is kids bop still going strong?
• 11:37
  Eric: Oh my god.
• 11:38
  Eric: Is there like a kid's bop despacito?
• 11:41
  Eric: There's gotta be.
• 11:42
  Eric: There's gotta be.
• 11:43
  Matt: Isn't it dis despatico?
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: Despacito.
• 11:49
  Matt: Oh, I think we're talking about different songs.
• 11:52
  Matt: You're gonna have to cut this whole thing now.
• 11:54
  Matt: I've embarrassed.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_03: No, they definitely can't we can't have me embarrassing myself.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_03: They definitely have the weakened uh Oh, do they kids pop kids?
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, my niece had it on the other night.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_03: She was dancing to it.
• 12:07
  Matt: Oh, I bet that slaps.
• 12:09
  Matt: They have to.
• 12:10
  Matt: Yeah.
• 12:10
  Matt: I mean, when I feel like they have to do any number one hit.
• 12:13
  Matt: Well, what about like WAP kids bac kids pop kids?
• 12:16
  Matt: Oh, maybe not every one number one hit.
• 12:21
  Matt: Yeah, they're not out, they're not out here singing driver's license, probably either.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_03: Who knows?
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_03: I think they change the word sometimes.
• 12:28
  Matt: They defin oh, they definitely did the word.
• 12:29
  Eric: Oh, they oh yeah, they change them all the time.
• 12:31
  Eric: Or like uh Old Town Road.
• 12:34
  Eric: Oh, yeah.
• 12:34
  Eric: Oh, they definitely did Old Town Road.
• 12:37
  Eric: Alright, our next episode's gonna be reviewing various kids bop albums.
• 12:42
  Matt: Now, Eric, I would like you to also run through yours here real quick.
• 12:48
  Matt: First thing that comes to mind, three music.
• 12:50
  Eric: Oh, yeah, you're not getting out of this.
• 12:51
  Eric: Gorilla's Black Sabbath and Daft Punk.
• 12:56
  Eric: Okay.
• 12:57
  Eric: Kids Bop Black Sabbath.
• 12:59
  Eric: Kids Bop Black Sabbath.
• 13:01
  Eric: Kids Bop Black Sabbath.
• 13:03
  Matt: Is that just for the humor of it?
• 13:06
  Matt: Uh I yeah, like also I want to say I have not thought about the gorillas in quite some time.
• 13:13
  Matt: Love the gorillas.
• 13:14
  Eric: I'm also actually devastated because Daft Punk just broke up.
• 13:17
  Matt: They sure did.
• 13:18
  Eric: And I uh first word of anything in eight years, and it's them breaking up.
• 13:23
  Eric: But yeah, Black Sabbath, probably because like I love Black Sabbath so much, I've listened to them so hard, it's just ingrained in my DNA now.
• 13:31
  Eric: So, like, yeah, anything for any any new spins on it?
• 13:34
  Eric: Give me kid, give me kids about Black Sabbath.
• 13:37
  Eric: Okay.
• 13:38
  Eric: Yeah.
• 13:38
  Eric: Alright.
• 13:39
  Eric: Yeah.
• 13:39
  Eric: And I just want to hear like a little, like a little kid, just like like with Bob Dylan, just a little kid singing like Ozzy, like a little kid like, what is this?
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: That stands be for me.
• 13:52
  Eric: And like grappling with mortality.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_03: Uh it would be kind of nice if they did it like a like a slow jam, almost like a uh like it was like a holiday song, like in a kid singing in church, and it's the very sweet What is that stands beef?
• 14:06
  Eric: That would be yes, children's choir black Sabbath.
• 14:10
  Eric: I need it yesterday.
• 14:12
  Matt: I love it.
• 14:13
  Matt: I love it.
• 14:14
  Matt: Yeah, now, Paul.
• 14:15
  Matt: Uh we of course what we do here is we provide definitive answers for life's least pressing questions, as you know.
• 14:22
  Matt: And we would like to start with a question from from you.
• 14:26
  Matt: What do you have for us?
• 14:28
  Matt: What can we unravel for you?
• 14:30
  Matt: Okay.
• 14:31
  Matt: All right.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_03: What is a a word or a uh a thing that it sounds like it's dirty, but it's really totally wholesome.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_03: Specifically wholesome.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah or at least positive.
• 14:48
  Matt: Yeah, like wholesome.
• 14:49
  Matt: Like it sounds like a dirty word, but it is not a dirty word.
• 14:53
  Matt: Yeah.
• 14:54
  Matt: What is like what's the best non-dirty word that sounds dirty?
• 14:59
  Eric: It sounds dirty.
• 15:01
  Matt: That's a good what about hmm prestige?
• 15:05
  Matt: Nah, that sucks.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_03: It doesn't sound dirty.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, it depends if you're like, I uh I prestiged my pants.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, that sounds a little, but I don't think people say that.
• 15:17
  Matt: Oh, sorry, I uh not unless they're a magician.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_03: My prestige pants.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: Prestige.
• 15:24
  Matt: No, no, I don't uh hmm.
• 15:27
  Matt: There's masticate.
• 15:29
  Matt: Oh, masticate, of course.
• 15:31
  Matt: It's classic.
• 15:32
  Matt: It just means chew.
• 15:33
  Eric: Like you're eating.
• 15:34
  Matt: What about nutter butter?
• 15:36
  Eric: Nutter butter is a good one.
• 15:38
  Eric: I'm about to nutter butter all over this podcast.
• 15:41
  Matt: Oh my god.
• 15:42
  Matt: Uh you know what I did last night?
• 15:44
  Matt: I had I got I got myself six nutter butters.
• 15:47
  Eric: Ooh, here's one from Australia.
• 15:49
  Eric: Like, yeah, girl, you know, I came in and got me a little Tim Tam last night.
• 15:53
  Eric: What is a Tim Tam?
• 15:55
  Eric: Oh yeah, you don't just want to bust open some Tim Tam?
• 15:59
  Matt: No, I don't know what it is.
• 16:00
  Eric: Tim Tam is like an Australian like wafer cookie.
• 16:03
  Eric: It's like mint chocolate.
• 16:05
  Eric: It's really tasty.
• 16:06
  Matt: Alright, Australian listeners.
• 16:08
  Matt: It's like their thin cookies.
• 16:09
  Matt: Provide your Tim Tams to us.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, they're so good.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_03: See, I I I was thinking about a food one too, and it was when I was a kid, I used to or I had a friend who called when you get soft served chocolate ice cream, he would call it a chocolate swirly.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, yeah.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_03: That does sound a little poop oriented.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, a little like putting your hand head in the toilet.
• 16:27
  Eric: The much darker version of the classic swirly.
• 16:30
  Matt: Yeah, I mean, I think it's because swirly is already a a thing in the in the uh what what am I in the pantheon of of pranks?
• 16:41
  Matt: The lexicon is like guys.
• 16:43
  Matt: The lexicon, that's the word I'm looking for.
• 16:45
  Eric: I said pantheon.
• 16:47
  Eric: Also, there's prank gods.
• 16:49
  Eric: There's a god of swirlies.
• 16:52
  Matt: It's just Loki, though.
• 16:53
  Eric: Yeah, every toilet is his altar.
• 16:55
  Matt: Hmm.
• 16:56
  Matt: And that's new information to me.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_03: He's just Duncan.
• 16:59
  Matt: What else?
• 17:00
  Matt: Well, there's gotta be some more out there.
• 17:02
  Matt: What about something like, mmm mm-mm, mmm mmm?
• 17:05
  Matt: I don't know.
• 17:06
  Eric: I can tell you, I can tell you a quick aside real quick.
• 17:09
  Eric: I'm kind of like at the opposite scenario where I was once sold on something that sounded wholesome but was but turned out to be dirty.
• 17:15
  Eric: When I was like six or seven, uh, my I from a very young age I was obsessed with video games.
• 17:22
  Eric: And my brother took me aside one day and he said, Eric, did you know that there's like a whole magazine devoted to video games and video game cheat codes and like all things about video games?
• 17:32
  Eric: And I was super stoked.
• 17:33
  Eric: I was like, What?
• 17:34
  Eric: He was like, Yeah, look, I'll tell you the name of the magazine.
• 17:37
  Eric: Just go to mom and say, Hey mom, could you buy me some Playboys?
• 17:42
  Eric: And I was that's how I that's when I stopped trusted, trusting other humans.
• 17:49
  Eric: I to me it sounded wholesome.
• 17:50
  Eric: I was like, Oh yeah, Playboy.
• 17:52
  Eric: Because you're playing video games.
• 17:53
  Eric: Well, like a mix of playing and Game Boy.
• 17:56
  Matt: I think um this reminds me of another question that I feel like everybody has experience with, which is what movie did your parents like introduce show you when you were like far too young to watch it?
• 18:10
  Matt: And like I remember once my my mom got uh me Animal House, like rented it from Blockbuster off of what I assume is a vague memory of what the movie was.
• 18:21
  Matt: That it was just a funny.
• 18:24
  Matt: Right, and I was like, uh I don't know, maybe like in middle school or something, and there was a there was a rush to the to the VCR at a certain point.
• 18:34
  Matt: Alright, so other other non-dirty words.
• 18:38
  Eric: Non-dirty words sound super dirty, dirty, nasty.
• 18:40
  Matt: I mean, I think masticate in turn if we're trying to find the word, masticate's up there.
• 18:45
  Eric: But we want yeah, it doesn't have to be the word, I don't think.
• 18:48
  Eric: Um a fob.
• 18:50
  Eric: A fob.
• 18:52
  Eric: A fob.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_03: I I dongle is good.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_03: Dongle is a ring.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_03: Dongle is classic.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_03: Some people some people respond to dongle the same way they were that some people respond to the word moist.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_03: They just can't handle it.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, like moist.
• 19:04
  Eric: Or the word panties.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_03: Panties.
• 19:08
  Eric: Some people have visceral reaction to the word panties.
• 19:10
  Matt: I I I I'm down with masticate as being our answer.
• 19:15
  Matt: I also like dongle though.
• 19:16
  Matt: Quite.
• 19:17
  Matt: Dongle is good.
• 19:18
  Matt: Don't dongle, I think, has the ability though, to be applied in a dirty situation.
• 19:26
  Eric: It does.
• 19:26
  Matt: Well, that you remove your pants and your partner greets you with, oh yeah, there's that dongle.
• 19:32
  Eric: But Matt, consider if my friend, if my friend wants to hand me his utility device and put it on my keychain, he's like, yo, can I put my dongle on your fob?
• 19:42
  Eric: Like, that's good.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_04: That's good.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_03: But in in Matt's scenario, you know, takes the pants down.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, look at your dongle.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_03: Put it in my port.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 19:52
  Eric: Lends itself to double entendre very well.
• 19:55
  Matt: It does.
• 19:56
  Matt: Uh, and then and I support double entendre wherever possible.
• 20:01
  Matt: Uh, okay, well, I think we got it.
• 20:02
  Matt: I think uh I think we got some good options.
• 20:04
  Matt: I'm gonna go with dongle.
• 20:06
  Matt: I'm gonna say it's dongle.
• 20:07
  Matt: What do you think, Poach?
• 20:08
  Matt: Dongle.
• 20:09
  Matt: Paul, what'd you vote?
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_03: I I I I I think sometimes I might want to go masticate on a dongle, but I'm I'm actually gonna take the third person say masticate because uh because it just gives me the willies to hear it said.
• 20:22
  Matt: It is too close to a dirty word.
• 20:25
  Eric: You say it on this Christian podcast, Matthew.
• 20:28
  Matt: Would I would I dare to the missionaries that listen to us?
• 20:33
  Eric: We are huge among youth groups.
• 20:35
  Matt: Just huge among the youth, period.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_03: I saw actually saw a whole troop of the uh the guys, the Latter-day Saints guys, uh, walk around the other day.
• 20:45
  Matt: I believe you're looking for the Mormons, is the yes, that's what it was.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_03: They were uh they were they were uh blaring some uh you didn't ask uh all you know out of their uh boom box like they were carrying it around like like 80 style.
• 20:57
  Matt: Yes, we have received complaints about uh uh about various Mormons just blasting you didn't ask for this.
• 21:04
  Eric: We're the edgiest thing they're allowed to like.
• 21:08
  Matt: They're doing it for it to us, the two of us.
• 21:11
  Matt: Oh man.
• 21:12
  Matt: Uh all right.
• 21:13
  Matt: Well, Paul, thank you for the question.
• 21:16
  Matt: Of course.
• 21:17
  Matt: Okay, so I have a question for the group, uh, and I feel like it is a pretty universal question.
• 21:24
  Matt: What belongs in the junk drawer?
• 21:29
  Matt: Yes, yes, and or perhaps alternatively, what doesn't belong in the junk drawer?
• 21:37
  Eric: Anything that has not been opened yet does not go in the junk drawer.
• 21:42
  Eric: You mean any new product?
• 21:44
  Eric: Exactly.
• 21:44
  Eric: If it is still in its packaging completely unopened, that does not go in the junk drawer.
• 21:49
  Matt: Let me uh if I could challenge for a second.
• 21:52
  Matt: What about if you had like uh an extra packet of like birthday napkins?
• 22:00
  Matt: Okay.
• 22:00
  Matt: That you didn't use for a party.
• 22:02
  Eric: Uh uh okay.
• 22:03
  Eric: So yes, I hear you, I see you, you're valid.
• 22:06
  Eric: Uh I will I will my addendum to my original statement is unopened package like container or package of smaller package.
• 22:17
  Eric: If it is a smaller package from a big package, absolutely it belongs in there.
• 22:23
  Eric: Like, you know, if you've got like a giant bag of those pre-packaged night like fork knife napkin things, those go in the drunk drawer.
• 22:31
  Matt: Is your the this is for anyone who wants to answer.
• 22:35
  Matt: Is your junk drawer also your packet drawer?
• 22:40
  Matt: Sauce packets?
• 22:42
  Matt: Did you say floss packets?
• 22:44
  Matt: Sauce packets.
• 22:45
  Matt: Okay, yes, sauce packets.
• 22:47
  Matt: I don't know what a floss packet is, but no, not floss packets.
• 22:51
  Eric: There was a time in my wily youth where I did keep them in there, but now I have a designated basket for them.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I don't I I would say there was a time in my wily youth where I still had sauce packets, and I just don't hold on to them anymore.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_03: I feel like I have the sauces I need in my refrigerator, and so I don't usually hold anything if I eat pickup.
• 23:07
  Eric: It depends on the sauce.
• 23:09
  Eric: Because like it, like ketchup packets, forget about it.
• 23:12
  Eric: Soy sauce, no.
• 23:13
  Eric: But if it's like zesty sauce from Burger King, that is going in the basket.
• 23:18
  Matt: I think any specialty sauce packet, premium sauces, any branded packet can go in there.
• 23:24
  Matt: Okay, so but okay, so what doesn't belong in there?
• 23:27
  Matt: Because the junk drawer is sort of a hodgepodge, right?
• 23:30
  Matt: It's a catch-all.
• 23:32
  Eric: It is the there should be a place for you, but I don't have it yet drawer.
• 23:37
  Matt: Yeah.
• 23:38
  Matt: But what if if uh if I'm what is the thing that if you're going to, and this this might help us answer what belongs there.
• 23:47
  Matt: If you were at somebody's house and you were going through their drawers, as you do when you're a guest in someone's home.
• 23:54
  Eric: I will just walk around.
• 23:55
  Eric: If it's like a close friend's house, I'll just start opening cabinets and inspecting things.
• 23:59
  Matt: Yeah, I'm not gonna say I don't do that.
• 24:01
  Matt: Um the if you open up a drawer, what the junk drawer, you identify it as the junk drawer, but there's ooh, this one thing, blank, insert blank here.
• 24:12
  Matt: That's like, what is that doing here?
• 24:14
  Matt: Yeah, what is that item?
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_03: Uh I've definitely done that in condoms in the junk drawer.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_03: Like in the kitchen.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_03: Oh yeah.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_03: In the kitchen.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm like, oh, uh, okay.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_03: And you know, you just slam the drawer really fast because you're like, something's wrong here.
• 24:26
  SPEAKER_03: But the uh I was that was a a little surprising.
• 24:29
  Matt: That is not a junk, that does not belong in the drawer.
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_03: That does not belong in a junk drawer.
• 24:33
  Matt: Because the I do think the junk drawer b belongs in the kitchen.
• 24:37
  Eric: Yeah, I in the kitchen, usually within two or three spaces of the sink.
• 24:42
  Eric: Hmm.
• 24:43
  Eric: Or it is right either by the sink or by the cloth the entrance into the kitchen.
• 24:49
  Eric: Like it's usually something like you can pull over.
• 24:51
  Eric: Yes.
• 24:52
  Eric: It's usually something you can pull open as soon as you go into the kitchen.
• 24:55
  Matt: I would say it is if there is an option for it, it is the least related drawer to anything else.
• 25:03
  Matt: So like if you only have one thing of drawers, it's either the top one or the bottom one.
• 25:09
  Eric: Yeah.
• 25:10
  Eric: I oh, I'd say have a top junk drawer.
• 25:11
  Eric: Yeah, I've never gone.
• 25:12
  Matt: I've never gone.
• 25:14
  Matt: I've never gone bottom either.
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, definitely, yeah, definitely top and and uh and and definitely you need some you need that's why you gotta keep your extra pens and pencils and maybe a scissors, maybe a little bit.
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know about pens and what you don't keep pens and pencils in your junk.
• 25:29
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, absolutely writing utensils.
• 25:33
  Matt: That is a desk item.
• 25:35
  Matt: That is a that is a workspace item.
• 25:37
  Eric: Oh my god, no.
• 25:38
  Eric: Uh usually like some kind of-scaled.
• 25:41
  Eric: Oh, Matthew, this is the rift.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_03: But you need a you need a pen in your kitchen.
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_03: You gotta, you know, you're gonna sign up on a tech or you gotta address an envelope real quick.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, you gotta.
• 25:49
  Matt: That's just not that's just not out on a counter somewhere.
• 25:52
  Matt: That's gotta be in a drawer.
• 25:53
  Eric: Um it doesn't have to be in a drawer, but by consequence of it being the junk drawer, you're like, I'll need a pen at some point.
• 25:58
  Eric: Usually there's at least one pen, one pencil, and a sharpie.
• 26:02
  Eric: The the wetness of that sharpie and is dubious at best.
• 26:08
  Matt: Yes, it's a dry sharpie.
• 26:10
  Eric: Yeah.
• 26:10
  Eric: Or if it's a mechanical pencil, like it's been out of lead forever.
• 26:14
  Eric: I'm like, I need to refill the lead in this, but I can't find.
• 26:17
  Eric: And you know the leads are somewhere in the junk drawer, but you're not willing to dig them out.
• 26:22
  SPEAKER_03: No, my I've got pens and pencils like in a little basket in the junk drawer, just so they're easy to find if I need them.
• 26:27
  SPEAKER_03: But see, I don't keep anything out.
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_03: That's I don't keep anything out on surfaces.
• 26:31
  Eric: I don't I like to have my surfaces like the secretary uh at my old house.
• 26:37
  Eric: Like there were a bunch of pens station, but none of them were ever out.
• 26:40
  Eric: They were in their little drawers and sockets.
• 26:42
  Matt: I mean, I like uh in j in theory, I like a clean counter.
• 26:47
  Matt: In practice, I can't do it.
• 26:49
  Matt: I just can't do it.
• 26:50
  Matt: My wife will be happy to tell you about it on her own podcast.
• 26:56
  Matt: One day, Lindsay will be a guest on this show, I'm sure.
• 26:59
  Matt: It's called her podcast is called I Didn't Ask for This.
• 27:04
  Matt: Yeah, no, that's probably an accurate title.
• 27:07
  Matt: You know, I will say this.
• 27:09
  Matt: I will give you a pen or pencil or writing implement.
• 27:15
  Matt: But if you open up the drawer and there is a box of pens, if that's where you keep your stash of pens.
• 27:21
  Matt: Oh no.
• 27:22
  Eric: No, no, it's not where you keep the stash.
• 27:24
  Matt: All right.
• 27:25
  Matt: One one pencil from Chuck E cheese from many years ago, a golf pencil from a forgotten vacation mini golf, sure.
• 27:34
  Eric: I'll tell you this.
• 27:35
  Eric: If I have pens or stuff that are missing their caps, like I have like a nice ink pen missing it into the junk drawer, it goes.
• 27:41
  Eric: Oh, sure.
• 27:41
  Eric: Or I don't care if there's like a little ink spillage.
• 27:45
  Matt: It's the island of misfit pens.
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 27:48
  SPEAKER_03: I keep my oven mitt in my junk drawer, which I know is kind of strange, but it's handy because the junk drawer is next to the oven.
• 27:53
  SPEAKER_03: But I can see it though.
• 27:55
  SPEAKER_03: Like it's like, yeah, I know you're there.
• 27:57
  Eric: I can see it.
• 27:57
  Eric: And it's not an oven mitt isn't ever touching the food itself.
• 28:00
  Eric: It's touching the container the food is in.
• 28:03
  Matt: So it's like I guess what we're dancing around here really is what are the qualifications of the junk drawer?
• 28:11
  Eric: Um the qualifications of a junk drawer junk drawer item is it is part of a this thing is supposed to be whole or part of a hole, and it no longer is.
• 28:22
  Eric: It is the pen without the cap.
• 28:23
  Eric: It is the it is the wet nap without the box of wet naps.
• 28:27
  Matt: Is it like the AC adapter that you do not know what it goes to?
• 28:31
  Matt: Yes.
• 28:32
  Matt: But are keeping for some reason.
• 28:35
  Eric: It is an SD card, you don't know what the fuck is on it.
• 28:38
  Eric: But it's a th-like there, I have thumb drives in junk drawers.
• 28:41
  Eric: I'm like, I'm sure there's something important on you.
• 28:43
  Matt: I feel like there is if we're gonna put a pen in there, I think we also have to put uh a pad that's like perfectly good, but you don't know what you'd use it for because it's got some weird design.
• 28:55
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, that's yeah, definitely something to write on for sure.
• 28:57
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_03: Oh yeah, yeah.
• 28:59
  SPEAKER_03: Like the like the hotel stationary that you took that time that you don't have to do.
• 29:02
  Eric: Hotel stationary, or like that, that like uh novelty stationary, like in weird shapes.
• 29:07
  Eric: You're like, I'm not just into the junk drawer.
• 29:09
  Eric: When I desperately just need to write something.
• 29:12
  Eric: Side note, I would often in my junk drawers there will just be an envelope that was from a piece of mail I opened that I had to jot something down on that I didn't want to forget it, so I put it in the junk drawer.
• 29:21
  Eric: It's just an empty envelope with things written on it.
• 29:24
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, okay.
• 29:25
  Eric: In lieu of having post notes, because God knows my post-it notes are supposed to be in the junk drawer, they never in lieu of accomplishing something.
• 29:32
  Matt: You correct.
• 29:33
  Matt: And crossing it off.
• 29:35
  Matt: Yeah, yeah.
• 29:36
  Matt: Uh Eric is very anti-satisfaction.
• 29:40
  Matt: Checks out.
• 29:40
  Matt: Yes.
• 29:41
  Eric: Um dirty rubber bands.
• 29:44
  Eric: Oh okay.
• 29:47
  Eric: In a ball?
• 29:48
  Eric: In a ball, or in more closer to my reality, a tangle that you're like, oh you kind of got halfway to the ball and then gave up.
• 29:57
  Matt: You're like, uh I feel like when you make a rubber band ball, it's so much of an accomplishment that you then don't want to uh like I in an old office of mine that I worked in, we had a big rubber band ball and actually had a rule that you could add to the rubber band ball, but you could not take from it.
• 30:17
  Eric: Okay.
• 30:18
  Matt: Which sort of defeats the purpose.
• 30:21
  Matt: It does.
• 30:22
  Matt: But it does grow the legend of the ball.
• 30:24
  Eric: It does.
• 30:25
  Eric: There there's a sort of magic around a junk drawer.
• 30:29
  Eric: You know what I mean?
• 30:29
  Eric: Like, anytime I go to the junk drawer, like, okay, I need a safety pin, there will only be paper clips in that junk drawer.
• 30:36
  Eric: Or anytime I go to the junk drawer, I'm like, I need a paperclip, there will only be safety pins in that junk drawer.
• 30:42
  Eric: There's it's some there's a weird anti-magic.
• 30:45
  Eric: But there will be one of the things I need.
• 30:47
  Eric: It'll just be I have to dig for it.
• 30:48
  Eric: I have to like get my hand in the corner and pray to God that there aren't like utility knives and shit in there.
• 30:54
  Eric: Do you keep knives in there and other weapons?
• 30:57
  Eric: Nothing, nothing with an exposed one.
• 30:59
  Eric: I usually keep a knife of sorts in it, but it's usually like a folding, like a pen knife or or you know, like a like a slidey, a slidey knife.
• 31:06
  SPEAKER_03: It's not open.
• 31:07
  SPEAKER_03: Nunchucks.
• 31:08
  SPEAKER_03: Nunchucks.
• 31:09
  SPEAKER_03: See, I I think something sitting here thinking about it, I'm realizing, and this might blow your mind, I have two junk drawers in my kitchen.
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_03: Timmy two drawers?
• 31:18
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 31:18
  Matt: Timmy two drawers.
• 31:20
  Matt: Okay, Paul, walk us through this.
• 31:22
  Matt: Yeah, okay.
• 31:22
  Matt: What what is the di what do you differentiate between the two drawers?
• 31:26
  SPEAKER_03: Well, I'm realizing one of the drawers, like I have an extra phone charger in there, the pens and pencils, um, the the uh an extra pair of scissors, a lighter, thing I might need kind of more often.
• 31:38
  Eric: So like your daily driver junk.
• 31:40
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 31:41
  SPEAKER_03: Like my like my daily carry of a drunk drawer.
• 31:43
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, okay.
• 31:44
  SPEAKER_03: And then also junk drawer is sort of a hard phrase to say and not make it sound like drunk drawer.
• 31:48
  SPEAKER_03: But yes, it is hard, it is a struggle.
• 31:50
  SPEAKER_03: But then I have another kind of weird little off-cabinet thing that I'm realizing that I store stuff that I keep multiples of that like are are but that I don't use very often.
• 32:02
  SPEAKER_03: Like um like uh bottle openers or oh sure, that's a classic uh junk drawer item.
• 32:09
  Matt: Koozies.
• 32:11
  Matt: Koozies.
• 32:12
  Matt: Koozies.
• 32:12
  Matt: I definitely have koozie in my junk drawer.
• 32:14
  SPEAKER_03: I've got I've got and that and it was it was on poached the thing about the safety pins.
• 32:18
  SPEAKER_03: That's where I've got my safety pins and paper clips.
• 32:20
  SPEAKER_03: It's and I think it's just because there's a lot of them and it's a much bigger drawer.
• 32:24
  SPEAKER_03: Um and I gotta fight you on the paper clips, and those are desk items.
• 32:28
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 32:29
  SPEAKER_03: Not everyone has a desk.
• 32:30
  Matt: I mean, I can't, I guess I can't fight the fact that they're in your junk drawer.
• 32:34
  Matt: I can fight that I don't think they belong there.
• 32:36
  SPEAKER_03: But see, I don't have a desk in my house.
• 32:37
  Eric: Well, at the end of the day, nothing belongs in the junk drawer, but it's there.
• 32:43
  SPEAKER_03: Ooh.
• 32:43
  SPEAKER_03: Ooh.
• 32:45
  Matt: That's the that's it's decreased.
• 32:48
  Eric: Yeah, exactly.
• 32:49
  Eric: Like, we don't you Matt, you know what?
• 32:52
  Eric: At the end of the day, here's what I can say of every item in a junk drawer.
• 32:57
  Eric: They didn't ask for this.
• 32:59
  Eric: They didn't ask for this.
• 33:01
  SPEAKER_04: They have a place.
• 33:03
  Matt: They have a place.
• 33:04
  Matt: The the new podcast is junk drawer.
• 33:07
  Matt: I mean, truly, is that not what this is?
• 33:09
  Matt: We're the junk drawer of the soul.
• 33:11
  Matt: The junk drawer of your your podcast cue.
• 33:16
  Matt: Uh I will also say uh it seems as though there is a certain reverence to the junk drawer.
• 33:24
  Matt: You know what I mean?
• 33:25
  Matt: Like the things in there, you don't part of it is like you don't need this item, but you don't want to part with it.
• 33:31
  Matt: You don't want to Marie condo it away.
• 33:35
  Matt: Yeah.
• 33:35
  Matt: So it it you can't you can't get rid of it.
• 33:38
  Matt: So perhaps it's a bit of a holy space.
• 33:42
  Eric: Yeah.
• 33:42
  Eric: It it it is it is the altar of the modern human.
• 33:47
  Eric: Yeah, it is the shrine.
• 33:48
  SPEAKER_03: I read I went, it was at my parents' house the other day, and I opened their junk drawer, and I definitely saw pens in there that for when my dad still worked, still worked.
• 33:56
  SPEAKER_03: He retired 15 years ago, and there were pens from his office still in the junk drawer that still worked.
• 34:02
  SPEAKER_03: Well, where else are you gonna put those?
• 34:04
  SPEAKER_03: I guess that's true.
• 34:05
  SPEAKER_03: You can't get rid of them.
• 34:06
  Matt: No, and you can't use them.
• 34:08
  Eric: Right.
• 34:08
  Eric: I uh I will go to the junk drawer and take like a walk down memory lane.
• 34:13
  Eric: Like like a like an archaeologist, like, what was I thinking when I put this in here?
• 34:17
  Matt: There it there is that's what I mean by uh I think it's a holy space because I think there are some personal relics in there.
• 34:23
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, absolutely.
• 34:24
  SPEAKER_03: It's like you know, sometimes people keep a memory box, right?
• 34:27
  SPEAKER_03: And like movie stubs and stuff.
• 34:28
  SPEAKER_03: The junk drawer is sort of the utilitarian memory box.
• 34:31
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, absolutely.
• 34:32
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, it's something you need that you hold on to that tells the story.
• 34:36
  Matt: It is the island of misfit memories.
• 34:39
  Matt: Oh someone needs to animate that movie.
• 34:44
  Matt: Think about it.
• 34:45
  Matt: Think about it.
• 34:46
  Eric: Uh I I I like this.
• 34:48
  Matt: I like this where we're landing with this.
• 34:50
  Eric: I like where we've landed.
• 34:51
  Eric: I will just one more quick straw pole.
• 34:53
  Eric: Batteries in the junk drawer, yay or no?
• 34:55
  SPEAKER_03: No.
• 34:56
  Eric: I'll put batteries in the drawer.
• 34:57
  SPEAKER_03: Okay!
• 34:58
  Eric: Blue Sass batteries.
• 34:59
  SPEAKER_03: I have them in my second junk drawer, but they are still in the package.
• 35:02
  Eric: Yeah, I I will keep the battery.
• 35:03
  Eric: If it's a 9 volt, I'll let it rattle around.
• 35:05
  Eric: I don't care, but yeah.
• 35:07
  Eric: My my family used to keep, but when I was a kid, my family kept fucking batteries in the fridge.
• 35:11
  Eric: Did your families do that?
• 35:12
  Eric: What?
• 35:13
  SPEAKER_03: No, but I've heard of it.
• 35:14
  Eric: Yeah, that was like the thing my dad did, because apparently if you kept batteries in the fridge, they stayed, they stayed like like you could keep them there long term and you wouldn't lose any batteries.
• 35:26
  Eric: It's the most dad shit on earth.
• 35:27
  Eric: There would be a pack of batteries next to a pack of fucking Reese cups.
• 35:31
  Eric: That's my dad in a nutshell.
• 35:32
  Eric: But was there bread in the fridge?
• 35:34
  Eric: We never we we did not fall to those levels of degeneracy.
• 35:39
  Matt: Now wait a minute.
• 35:40
  Matt: You wait a minute.
• 35:42
  Matt: Bread in the fridge?
• 35:43
  Matt: I do not put bread in the fridge, but I will, if I'm, for example, coming back from New York and got bagels.
• 35:52
  Matt: I will preserve New York bagels in a fridge.
• 35:56
  Eric: Bagels have a shelf life of like two minutes.
• 35:57
  Eric: Yeah, that's understandable.
• 35:59
  Matt: But in the freezer, not in the fridge.
• 36:01
  Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 36:02
  Eric: I understand freezing like loaves of bread so you can pull them out.
• 36:05
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 36:06
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, see, I I do put uh bread in the fridge only because as a single man, I'm not gonna eat the whole loaf of bread before it goes bad.
• 36:15
  SPEAKER_03: That's what I'm saying.
• 36:16
  SPEAKER_03: And so, like, it's I know it's and I don't put in it right away, but after a couple of days, I know um I know it's just gonna mold up, so I might as well try to sustain it.
• 36:23
  SPEAKER_03: So I do I do do that when I have bread.
• 36:26
  Eric: Yeah.
• 36:26
  Eric: Now I'm thinking of like the dr the junk drawer of the the refrigerator, which is the door itself.
• 36:33
  Eric: Oh yeah.
• 36:33
  Eric: Like all the all the things I can't fit in there.
• 36:37
  Eric: Here's a question.
• 36:38
  Eric: I argue about this all the time.
• 36:40
  Eric: Ketchup, fridge or no fridge?
• 36:43
  Eric: Do you refrigerate your ketchup?
• 36:44
  Matt: Fridge if it's open.
• 36:46
  Eric: Oh no.
• 36:46
  Eric: No, no.
• 36:47
  Matt: Eric.
• 36:48
  Matt: Eric.
• 36:50
  Matt: Paul, where do you land on this?
• 36:51
  Matt: Uh fridge.
• 36:52
  Matt: Fridge.
• 36:53
  Matt: Of course.
• 36:54
  Matt: Yes, you are beset on all sides by logic.
• 36:57
  Matt: I think the bottle says it needs to be refrigerated.
• 37:00
  Eric: And the bottle says whatever it has to so that Heinz doesn't get sued.
• 37:04
  Eric: Would you stop denying instructions?
• 37:09
  SPEAKER_04: They have to say that.
• 37:11
  SPEAKER_04: I don't know how many times you've said uh some version of they have to say that they have to say that.
• 37:17
  SPEAKER_03: It's it's tomatoes, though, right?
• 37:19
  SPEAKER_03: I'm sure there's preservative in ketchup.
• 37:20
  Eric: Oh, yeah, there's so much preservative and ketchup that like if it was like homemade ketchup, yeah, that would be going in the fridge.
• 37:28
  SPEAKER_04: But if it's making homemade ketchup, it's 2021.
• 37:32
  SPEAKER_04: 2021, babe, get on the train.
• 37:34
  SPEAKER_03: The same guy who's hiring the artisan old pencil sharpener.
• 37:37
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, exactly.
• 37:38
  SPEAKER_03: Just whittling away.
• 37:40
  Matt: All right.
• 37:41
  Matt: Well, I think uh to put a button on this, I think it is the island of misfit memories.
• 37:46
  Matt: Absolutely.
• 37:47
  Matt: I like that quite a bit.
• 37:48
  Matt: So there we go.
• 37:50
  Matt: There we have that in the books.
• 37:53
  Matt: Now, Paul, since we have you here, uh I I mentioned, of course, that you are a theater artist, but you are also an educator.
• 38:02
  Matt: That indeed, that's true, I am.
• 38:04
  Matt: Uh, so I would like to to wrap up the uh your stay here on you didn't ask for this with uh a bit of a personal question, but it it's also a bit of a universal question.
• 38:14
  Matt: And I think it's one that we have wondered because what you teach is theater, correct?
• 38:19
  Matt: True.
• 38:20
  Matt: Uh so you are I I know you teach high school, but you uh you're pretty familiar with the the realm of children's theater, are you not?
• 38:28
  Matt: Sure.
• 38:28
  Matt: Would you consider high school theater children's theater?
• 38:31
  Matt: Uh not the question, but side question.
• 38:33
  SPEAKER_03: Uh no, only because it's not geared for a children's audience.
• 38:38
  SPEAKER_03: I think children's theater I think doesn't necessarily I think children's theater doesn't have to have children in it, and that theater with kids in it doesn't have to be children's theater.
• 38:46
  SPEAKER_03: So I think like, especially in the school where I work, when we can do pretty much anything we want to do in terms of content, you know, you're not Romeo and Juliet isn't c isn't children's theater, um, even if kids do it.
• 38:56
  Matt: Okay.
• 38:56
  Matt: Well then I'm gonna restructure my question based on your response and your expertise.
• 39:01
  Matt: Okay, since your expertise is in high school theater.
• 39:05
  Matt: What it are what does the the the life of a uh high school theater critic look like?
• 39:13
  Matt: Or and yes, this is partially based on that Alfred Molina sketch where he plays a children's theater critic.
• 39:20
  Matt: But what I'm asking for you is if you're looking at high school theater, what are you looking for?
• 39:27
  Matt: What do you critique?
• 39:29
  Matt: Because like obviously you're kind of a dick if if you're just like, well, what makes good because obviously, like you've got some high in high school, you've got some people who are performing that aren't gonna be performers lifelong, right?
• 39:43
  Matt: So what in a typical high school?
• 39:46
  Matt: Sure.
• 39:47
  Matt: But the my question, I guess, for you is what makes a good high school theater experience?
• 39:55
  Matt: A good high school play?
• 39:57
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, so for me, I like I like to see the the kids actually seeming to be enjoying what they're doing, right?
• 40:05
  SPEAKER_03: Whether or not it's good, bad, whatever, like if that they seem like they're really invested and they're going for it, and they're not uh at all worried about how silly they're gonna look or whatever.
• 40:17
  SPEAKER_03: Like that's my that's the thing that usually sells me no matter how good the piece.
• 40:21
  SPEAKER_03: Um and then uh the other thing that I like is you know, you you love you love to see the kid who's just got the talent, right?
• 40:30
  SPEAKER_03: Who just is talented.
• 40:31
  SPEAKER_03: You love, of course, that's always great, but I also just get a huge kick out of the kid that doesn't and is just selling it a hundred percent.
• 40:39
  SPEAKER_03: Like I just love the the kid who they're there, and they're oftentimes the most memorable.
• 40:43
  SPEAKER_03: The the one who's who's just like you know, they're like, hey, you know that I'm not good, I know that I'm not good, but I'm having an awesome time.
• 40:52
  SPEAKER_03: And like they're the ones that I that I really enjoy, like that, you know, that I really get a kick out of watching and have fun with, um, is is that.
• 41:01
  SPEAKER_03: And yeah, I mean it's and then the other thing I just I get a particularly huge kick out of is watching high school students do plays that they're completely unprepared to do.
• 41:11
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, sure.
• 41:12
  SPEAKER_03: I saw a um a production of Death of a Salesman a few years ago.
• 41:16
  SPEAKER_03: Oh dear.
• 41:17
  SPEAKER_03: And and you know, I you need to be, I mean, it was clear that the the director at the school really probably just didn't know a whole lot of plays and like chose one that they read in English class.
• 41:26
  SPEAKER_03: And um they, you know, you can't, I'm sorry, you just can't play Willie and be 17 years old.
• 41:32
  SPEAKER_03: It's just it's it's if you can't do it.
• 41:35
  SPEAKER_03: But this I there was this kid, and it was not like it was a school where that was about that was four actors or anything like that, it was just a regular high school.
• 41:42
  SPEAKER_03: But they uh the the young man who played Willie just decided to play him like he was a complete alcoholic, so he was just stumbling all over the stage for the entire show.
• 41:52
  SPEAKER_03: Oh what a choice.
• 41:54
  SPEAKER_03: But it it worked because he could never understand the the pain Willie was going through because he just couldn't understand the generational pain.
• 42:03
  SPEAKER_03: But the fact that he just was missing all the cues because he was drunk, like was like it was I was like, this works in a super bizarre way that he doesn't understand what's happening in his family because he's an alcoholic.
• 42:14
  SPEAKER_03: Like, I I get it, and I just I'll never forget it.
• 42:16
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, that kid, you know, strong but wrong, but you know, strong.
• 42:20
  SPEAKER_03: Strong but wrong.
• 42:22
  SPEAKER_03: Stick the landing, stick the landing, and he went for it, and I I I think that was exciting.
• 42:28
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, but then for for for children's theater, like you know, I want to see somebody make something fly.
• 42:34
  SPEAKER_03: Like, even if it's like a a paper bird, like that's the you know, like I would see like just pure imagination.
• 42:40
  Eric: They are ingenious little little little little devils, aren't they?
• 42:45
  Eric: They they they'll come up with so they'll come up with some solutions on the fly.
• 42:49
  Eric: How often do you have to turn down like wild ass suggestions from the students?
• 42:53
  Eric: So like Mr.
• 42:54
  Eric: DM, what if I just jumped off the catwalk on this scene and they caught me?
• 42:58
  SPEAKER_03: So Hey, hey, I've made that suggestion to a director, okay?
• 43:03
  SPEAKER_03: Um not a bad one.
• 43:04
  SPEAKER_03: No, I I I had recently I last year I directed Bring It On, right?
• 43:09
  SPEAKER_03: The musical based on the epic Excellent uh Excellent.
• 43:15
  Matt: Is that high school or is that college?
• 43:17
  SPEAKER_03: I don't remember.
• 43:17
  SPEAKER_03: It's high school of the film.
• 43:19
  SPEAKER_03: It's high school.
• 43:20
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, but they yeah, that's appropriate.
• 43:22
  SPEAKER_03: And the musical is way better than the movies, which are are are if you watch them and I watched them in prep, um are how could you not so poorly acted?
• 43:30
  SPEAKER_03: But the um you know it's it's it's got some great comedic moments in it, and I started telling the kids like try anything.
• 43:36
  SPEAKER_03: I'm pretty much not gonna tell you no.
• 43:38
  SPEAKER_03: Like, let's let's just go for it.
• 43:41
  SPEAKER_03: And they they really couldn't couldn't crack the code.
• 43:45
  SPEAKER_03: Like they could they were they were pushing it and they were trying to get crazier and crazier and crazier, and and and then I and I couldn't I I they couldn't get me to break.
• 43:55
  SPEAKER_03: They were trying, and they couldn't get me to do it.
• 43:56
  SPEAKER_03: I I think the uh They couldn't bring it.
• 43:59
  SPEAKER_03: They no they It was Broughton.
• 44:01
  SPEAKER_03: It was Broughton.
• 44:02
  SPEAKER_03: It was Broughton.
• 44:03
  SPEAKER_03: But they they couldn't they couldn't find that breaking point.
• 44:06
  SPEAKER_03: Um, and I thought that was really ex exciting that it was fun.
• 44:09
  SPEAKER_03: And um and and I I think that's I can try to think of something, something totally oh, I know.
• 44:15
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 44:16
  SPEAKER_03: This kid didn't ask to do I was that was gonna be my final question.
• 44:19
  Eric: Like, what is the wildest thing a kid decided to do in the moment?
• 44:22
  SPEAKER_03: So I don't know, three or four years ago, just made a strong choice, huh?
• 44:25
  SPEAKER_03: Through three or four years ago, I directed Young Frankenstein and the the musical, and uh which is uh unlike Bring It On, not really high school appropriate.
• 44:35
  SPEAKER_03: Um and uh the like challenge them.
• 44:38
  SPEAKER_03: A lot of look at the size of those knockers and um you know the monster has a big penis joke and stuff.
• 44:44
  SPEAKER_03: But um, so there's a scene in the end, where towards the end, where the uh uh fr uh Frankenstein's ex-fiance, the the monster kidnaps her and he takes her off into the the woods, right?
• 44:55
  SPEAKER_03: And we blocked it that he just carried her off stage, right?
• 44:58
  SPEAKER_03: And at the end, and the bit is that he carries her off stage, she goes, Oh, oh, and then she comes back and she's got the bride of Frankenstein way gone, right?
• 45:06
  SPEAKER_03: And um very tasteful.
• 45:08
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, it's it's it's it's a good bit.
• 45:09
  SPEAKER_03: And I was very clear when I was directing it, like there's a whole lot of like like you know, try not to be too sexual, like let's keep this under control.
• 45:16
  SPEAKER_03: Opening night, that he carries her off stage, and the woman, the young young woman on mic, she goes, Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, and I'm and I'm like sitting in my seat, like like sweat, like flop sweat, drafting your resignation letters.
• 45:38
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, oh my god.
• 45:40
  SPEAKER_03: And then and then I I and then you know, it she comes up and the show ends, and I walk back and I was like, what?
• 45:47
  SPEAKER_03: What were you thinking?
• 45:48
  SPEAKER_03: And she's like, it was great, right?
• 45:50
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, no, no, no, no, I was like, that's something you try in rehearsal, not when we opened.
• 45:56
  SPEAKER_03: She's like, well, I just had the idea tonight.
• 45:58
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, no, and she goes, but you told me don't deny my instincts.
• 46:02
  SPEAKER_03: I was wrong.
• 46:03
  SPEAKER_03: Deny that instinct, that instinct was wrong, and and that was and that was uh I was wrong.
• 46:10
  SPEAKER_03: And I was wrong.
• 46:12
  SPEAKER_03: You know, and uh that was one of the the wilder ones that uh that I you know I was like oh uh still get it gets my temperature rising a little bit.
• 46:24
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I it's stressing me out, and I wasn't involved.
• 46:27
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, it was it was it was intense.
• 46:29
  SPEAKER_03: It was intense.
• 46:30
  SPEAKER_03: Absolutely, yeah.
• 46:31
  SPEAKER_03: The other the other one that that was, and this was one of my employees allowed it to happen, uh, not me, is they were doing some sort of end-of-the-year showcase and for a class I didn't teach, and they were doing um a Sam Shepherd scene.
• 46:43
  SPEAKER_03: Uh, the one that involves smelling the girl smelling the her brother's fingers, right?
• 46:51
  SPEAKER_03: So they allowed that to just go up on stage.
• 46:54
  SPEAKER_03: Oh right, and I I pulled the teacher aside at the end of the thing, and I literally I said I said under my breath, I was like, I'm getting fired.
• 47:00
  SPEAKER_03: I can't, I this I can't believe it.
• 47:02
  SPEAKER_03: And I I say to the guy, I'm like, I'm like, what are you doing?
• 47:04
  SPEAKER_03: He's like, What do you mean?
• 47:05
  SPEAKER_03: I cut all the curse words.
• 47:06
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, the curse words were not the issue, my friend.
• 47:10
  Matt: Yeah.
• 47:11
  Matt: We we you didn't really read the the play, it sounds like what what did you why did you let them do that?
• 47:18
  Eric: Yeah, but uh, you know.
• 47:19
  Eric: My god.
• 47:20
  Eric: All these years later, I'm sorry.
• 47:22
  Eric: I am I'm so envious of of of your situation because my high school was like draconian in our in our what we were allowed to portray.
• 47:32
  Eric: We weren't allowed to portray death on stage.
• 47:35
  Eric: What?
• 47:36
  Eric: That oh, that was a huge controversy.
• 47:38
  Eric: Uh because we did a we did a show my sophomore year uh called Bang Bang You're Dead.
• 47:45
  Eric: And it is it is a it is a classic high school play about uh a high schooler who shoots up at school, and the entire play is like him getting like haunted by the the the memories of like the people he killed, and like the entire point of the show is that bringing a gun to school is probably not a great idea.
• 48:05
  Matt: Timely.
• 48:06
  Eric: Like, we did that show, and then like two weeks later, a kid who didn't even go to our school was caught on campus with an unloaded gun.
• 48:14
  Eric: Ah shit.
• 48:15
  Eric: Oh god.
• 48:16
  Eric: So obviously the principal deduced that it was because of our play that he was encouraged to do this.
• 48:24
  Eric: So we were no longer as a result, we were no longer allowed to portray death on stage.
• 48:29
  Matt: And I'm sure the ticket sales were so high that it the the whole population of Glenn Burney was there.
• 48:36
  Eric: Oh well, that was the other thing.
• 48:37
  Eric: It was part of like an educational like our the entire school was forced to watch that show.
• 48:44
  Eric: Like, we're made to come see the show.
• 48:46
  Eric: And I'll I'll give the GBHS kids this credit.
• 48:49
  Eric: For the most part, they all enjoyed it.
• 48:51
  Eric: Uh, with one exception of like it was dead silent.
• 48:55
  Eric: It was like super emotional part, like the kids like like the main character is like breaking down and like realizing, you know, how yeah much he's fucked up his life.
• 49:05
  Eric: And then out of the silence, I just hear the whitest kid imaginable yell, Yo, that's gay, you gay.
• 49:19
  Matt: Classic high school.
• 49:20
  Matt: Classic high school criticism.
• 49:23
  Eric: After that, we're like, please never force us to perform for our peers.
• 49:27
  Eric: Wow.
• 49:28
  Eric: Yeah.
• 49:28
  Eric: So the following year we did Little Shop of Horrors without a single death being portrayed on stage.
• 49:33
  Eric: What?
• 49:34
  Eric: Yeah, we're good.
• 49:35
  Eric: It was it was wild the kind of shit we had to come up with to like work in that space in that container.
• 49:42
  Matt: How do you do Little Shop without death?
• 49:44
  Eric: A lot of very well-timed and classy blackouts.
• 49:48
  Matt: Oh, so like, but thematically, it plotted.
• 49:51
  Eric: Thematically, the death still happened and they were talked around, but like no one died on stage.
• 49:57
  Eric: Principal spirit.
• 49:58
  Matt: Okay, so you couldn't portray death.
• 50:00
  Eric: We could not portray death, and we we rode that like to the letter.
• 50:04
  SPEAKER_03: I see.
• 50:05
  Matt: I was gonna say.
• 50:06
  SPEAKER_03: Was your principal afraid of like a talking Venus flytrap who was gonna come to life and start eating people?
• 50:12
  SPEAKER_03: Like, our principal was an ignorant asshole.
• 50:14
  Eric: Like that, like that, he he did that because he thought that would make I think he got an angry letter from a parent, and he wanted to assuage them, so he said, Oh yeah, we won't, we won't know, no bad.
• 50:27
  Eric: Yeah.
• 50:27
  Matt: Wow.
• 50:28
  Eric: Yeah.
• 50:29
  Matt: Well, that is making me all kinds of angry.
• 50:32
  Matt: I'm not gonna lie.
• 50:32
  Eric: Oh, yeah.
• 50:33
  Eric: So, like when I Paul, so when I hear that your kids can do fucking young Frankenstein and stuff, that makes me so happy.
• 50:40
  Eric: Like, good, please, no one else to have to deal with this shit.
• 50:44
  Matt: Yeah.
• 50:45
  Matt: Well, Paul, I have to say, I believe that you have elevated this podcast in this.
• 50:50
  Matt: Well, I I mean, I come out of watching machines and good stuff happens.
• 50:53
  Matt: There you go.
• 50:54
  Matt: Uh, so I I think we'll I think since we've got three actors here in this room, uh, and since we're dealing with some personal questions here a little bit, I I'd like to end with one quick round, Robin, just because I don't think I know this about either of you.
• 51:08
  SPEAKER_04: Oh fuck.
• 51:08
  Matt: Uh I would like to know first role.
• 51:12
  Matt: Very first part.
• 51:13
  Eric: Yes.
• 51:15
  Matt: Eric, go.
• 51:16
  Matt: Let's let's hear it.
• 51:17
  Eric: Willard and Foot Loose.
• 51:19
  Eric: I was Willard and Footloose.
• 51:20
  Matt: That was your very first role?
• 51:22
  Eric: Yep.
• 51:22
  Eric: The the love the dumb yet lovable boyfriend of the of uh of one of like the main characters who uh who's always saying the famous line, Well, mama says, and then giving some mama quote of wisdom.
• 51:36
  Matt: Is this high school or middle school?
• 51:38
  Eric: High school.
• 51:38
  Eric: High school nice Paul Diem.
• 51:40
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 51:41
  SPEAKER_03: With the exception of playing Joseph in a church play, on a day where I also ran into an electric fence and had uh and had and and had electrocuted myself.
• 51:52
  SPEAKER_03: With the exception of that, okay um the uh my first role was Lun Ta the Lover in the uh almost in the Lion King, the King and I.
• 52:02
  SPEAKER_03: Um which of course I played uh a it was 1996, and maybe the we did not think of things the way we think of them in 2021, and that a uh an all almost all white high school should not be doing a play that features almost all Asian characters, and um it was a different time, isn't that the line that belongs to it?
• 52:24
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, there's a lot of bronzer for a lot of eyeliners, and uh and but that was my first uh my that was my my first one, yeah.
• 52:36
  Eric: I I realized something.
• 52:37
  Eric: Willard was not my first one because when you said middle score, I was like, oh no, I did a play in elementary school.
• 52:43
  Matt: Okay, there we go.
• 52:44
  Matt: What was it?
• 52:45
  Eric: It was called The Claws, and it was a Christmas play about Santa Claus realizing he's not cool or hip enough for modern kids, so he becomes The Claws, which is Santa but the Fonz.
• 52:59
  Eric: Oh and he wears a leather jacket that's here's the here's the children's theater shit I'm after.
• 53:06
  Eric: The the best shit on earth.
• 53:08
  Eric: Instead of saying ho ho ho, he says a a yeah, yes he does!
• 53:16
  SPEAKER_04: No, oh yes he does.
• 53:18
  Matt: Oh beautiful.
• 53:20
  Matt: Oh god, it's beautiful.
• 53:23
  Matt: Well, my first part was in middle school for uh now.
• 53:28
  Matt: I don't want you guys to get all jealous because I had such a big time part, but it was in Who's Dying to Be a Millionaire?
• 53:36
  Matt: And I played the host of Who's Dying to Be a Millionaire?
• 53:40
  Matt: Reginald Smarmy.
• 53:42
  Eric: Wow, they didn't even bother filing the serial numbers off on that one.
• 53:50
  Eric: And if Poach's school did it, it would be uh Who's Redacted to be a millionaire?
• 53:57
  Eric: Like, no fucking joke.
• 53:59
  Eric: We weren't even allowed to use death in the title.
• 54:02
  Eric: We won it.
• 54:03
  Eric: We yes, so life of a salesman.
• 54:07
  Matt: Yes, different, different themes.
• 54:10
  Matt: Uh well, Paul Diem.
• 54:12
  Matt: Uh I have to say, I we have it has been an honor.
• 54:15
  SPEAKER_03: A privilege.
• 54:16
  SPEAKER_03: As as here.
• 54:17
  SPEAKER_03: I uh have I been your best guest?
• 54:19
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, hands for hands.
• 54:21
  SPEAKER_03: I'll take it.
• 54:22
  SPEAKER_03: I'll take it.
• 54:22
  Matt: Straw poll coming in strong for you.
• 54:25
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 54:26
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 54:27
  SPEAKER_03: My my my my Twitter bots are hitting it hard.
• 54:31
  Matt: Well, Paul, thank you so much for joining us.
• 54:34
  Matt: Uh I I hope we we have you here again on the show.
• 54:39
  Matt: Anytime.
• 54:40
  Matt: And uh I d I don't know.
• 54:41
  Matt: How how do we sign off with a guest, Eric?
• 54:44
  SPEAKER_00: Bye.
• 54:44
  SPEAKER_00: I love you.
• 54:46
  unknown: Bye.
• 54:54
  Matt: Well, Eric, now that now that Paul has uh excused himself, uh, I thought we should end things with a quick circle back.
• 55:02
  Matt: Oh, we're gonna circle back.
• 55:03
  Matt: A little quick circle back follow-up to survive follow up.
• 55:06
  Matt: I don't know if we decided what the name of the segment is.
• 55:09
  Matt: We'll circle back to it at some point.
• 55:10
  Matt: We'll circle back to it at some point.
• 55:12
  Matt: Decide.
• 55:13
  Matt: A number of episodes ago, Eric, we were talking about whether or not we'd be good dictators.
• 55:17
  Matt: Do you recall?
• 55:18
  Matt: Yes.
• 55:19
  Matt: And in that, I I mentioned that I uh this came about because I was thinking about getting Civilization 6.
• 55:27
  Eric: Uh yes.
• 55:28
  Eric: And and if I you did.
• 55:31
  Eric: I did.
• 55:31
  Eric: Well, I know you did because I started getting texts updates on your conquest.
• 55:38
  Matt: And and I did put this into the the Instagram feed, uh a little preview of what our text conversations are like.
• 55:45
  Eric: And folks, just to give you some like just just to give you some some context, it it's like late at night, I just get a text telling me A that you're Teddy Roosevelt, and then B, followed by all caps, France has declared war on me?
• 56:04
  Eric: Well, oh no, no, sorry, there's a whole build-up.
• 56:06
  Eric: Oh, sorry, yeah.
• 56:07
  Matt: Let's let's let's I do think it's worth noting that I I think it's interesting that Civilization 6, the only American character is Teddy Roosevelt.
• 56:17
  Matt: The best among us.
• 56:18
  Matt: That you can choose to be your your of the American Empire.
• 56:23
  Matt: They're all called empires, but I think it is kind of applicable that it calls us that.
• 56:28
  Matt: But that being said, yes, France did declare war on me.
• 56:32
  Eric: But this was after some they did some other stuff too, weren't they?
• 56:36
  Eric: Like they wanted to be friends at first, didn't they?
• 56:38
  Matt: So France at first did say that they wanted to be friends.
• 56:43
  Matt: So anyway, I I just to make clear before we get all the way into it, I wanted to circle back to the answer of whether or not I'd be a good dictator, because I do think it's unraveling.
• 56:53
  Matt: Now, I will say, I think Civilization hits a very complicated game, as it turns out, as a new novice player.
• 57:00
  Matt: I think it takes a couple probably playthroughs to really like know what you're doing.
• 57:04
  Matt: Yeah, but I come to it as a as a as a dictator virgin.
• 57:09
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 57:10
  Matt: Okay.
• 57:11
  Matt: And so this is my first big trial run.
• 57:14
  Matt: I hear your cat has entered the arena.
• 57:16
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 57:17
  Matt: She heard talk about fascism.
• 57:18
  Eric: She's like, ooh, let me get in on this.
• 57:20
  Matt: I didn't say anything about fascism.
• 57:23
  Eric: Dictatorhood.
• 57:24
  Matt: Yes.
• 57:24
  Matt: Although it I do think it's interesting that one of the only starting governments you have at the very beginning of the game is an oligarchy as as the option you have.
• 57:35
  Matt: So yes, so France pretended to be my friend and then declared war on me with Egypt at the same time.
• 57:42
  Matt: Yeah, I could feel the indignance coming through my phone.
• 57:45
  Matt: I mean, can you blame me?
• 57:48
  Matt: No.
• 57:49
  Eric: No, no, no.
• 57:49
  Matt: So France declares war on me, and I crushed them like a fly.
• 57:55
  Matt: Oh, like handily?
• 57:57
  Matt: Uh I mean, it took a little bit of doing, but I just continue.
• 58:01
  Matt: I will say this.
• 58:02
  Matt: I will say this.
• 58:03
  Matt: I went city by city and bless them.
• 58:07
  Matt: They kept asking me for peace.
• 58:10
  Matt: And you know, I guess I could have taken it.
• 58:12
  Matt: I could have taken it, but instead I said, no, I think you need to learn a lesson.
• 58:16
  Matt: Peace was on the table, but it was never an option.
• 58:20
  Matt: No, so I did crush France.
• 58:21
  Matt: And then now, much to my surprise, Eric, the rest of the world started hating me.
• 58:29
  Matt: Why?
• 58:30
  Matt: And they called me a warmonger.
• 58:33
  Matt: What?
• 58:34
  Matt: To which I say at the UN table, they declared war on me.
• 58:40
  Matt: I was minding my own business, trying to make some farms and maybe an aqueduct or two.
• 58:50
  Matt: And here comes France.
• 58:52
  Matt: Here comes Catherine the not so great.
• 58:55
  Matt: And so now I'm next door to Gandhi, and Gandhi's all like, ugh, I denounce you.
• 59:02
  Matt: From what?
• 59:03
  Matt: I just from the word like he's just saying I find you to be a despicable person.
• 59:08
  Matt: Also, in that party is Peter the Great.
• 59:11
  Matt: Peter the Great denounced me.
• 59:14
  unknown: Wow.
• 59:14
  Matt: Peter the Great.
• 59:16
  Matt: Okay, he thought I was a warmonger.
• 59:20
  Matt: Man, you're a war finisher.
• 59:23
  Matt: War, you know, words hurt.
• 59:25
  Matt: I didn't warmong it.
• 59:26
  Matt: I'll warn finish it.
• 59:28
  Matt: Basically, where I am now to give you the update.
• 59:32
  Matt: Yeah, please.
• 59:33
  Matt: A couple hundred I made peace with Egypt because I basically said you saw what happened to France.
• 59:38
  Matt: And I said, You saw what happened there.
• 59:44
  Matt: So then I made I made peace with Egypt, and that lasted about uh a century.
• 59:49
  Matt: Okay.
• 59:50
  Matt: Until until they were, you know, from because that was early days, actually.
• 59:55
  Eric: Well, you got Gandhi and Peter the Great shit talking you at the UN.
• 59:58
  Matt: Yeah, and so yeah, and then get this.
• 1:00:02
  Matt: Gandhi declares war.
• 1:00:04
  Eric: Gandhi declares war on you.
• 1:00:07
  Matt: And that did make me have to sit down with myself and say, how much of a shit bag do I have to be?
• 1:00:14
  Matt: If am I that bad of a leader?
• 1:00:17
  Matt: If Gandhi is declaring war on me?
• 1:00:22
  Matt: And these are the questions I pondered as I took my catapults and invaded his capital and destroyed everything he hoped to achieve.
• 1:00:32
  Matt: But but I didn't take any pleasure in it.
• 1:00:36
  Matt: You know, France I mean that you never forget your first.
• 1:00:40
  Matt: No, yeah, yeah.
• 1:00:41
  Eric: France's personal.
• 1:00:43
  Matt: France's personal, Gandhi was just business.
• 1:00:46
  Matt: And yeah, Gandhi, I I mean, I felt bad about it, but like, come on, man.
• 1:00:52
  Matt: And so now everybody's declaring war on me.
• 1:00:54
  Matt: Everyone's going, and so I think what it was is I need I I think where I went astray is early on, uh, because I think the game does a good job of making you have to choose between building up your culture and building up your cities in general, but also being prepared for an invasion.
• 1:01:13
  Matt: Oh yeah.
• 1:01:14
  Matt: And I think I went a little too too hard on the build, you know, building up your forces.
• 1:01:19
  Matt: And so I built, you know, you build a couple soldiers and suddenly people think you're you're you're you're a warmonger, but listen, what am I gonna do?
• 1:01:28
  Matt: I gotta defend myself from these barbarians.
• 1:01:30
  Matt: Yeah, these barbarous French.
• 1:01:33
  Matt: Yeah, not even the French, the barbarians going around.
• 1:01:35
  Matt: They need to be like literal barbarians.
• 1:01:38
  Matt: And so here I am trying to speak softly but carry a big stick.
• 1:01:44
  Matt: And as soon as I pick up the stick, everybody's like, oh man, fuck this guy and his stick.
• 1:01:50
  SPEAKER_00: Man.
• 1:01:51
  Matt: And I guess that's how people feel about America.
• 1:01:55
  Matt: Yeah.
• 1:01:56
  Matt: Well, joke's on me.
• 1:01:59
  Matt: Anyway.
• 1:02:00
  Eric: Uh side note, do you know in the f I think it was the first Civilization games, uh, or whichever the whatever the first one to feature Gandhi as a world leader?
• 1:02:10
  Eric: I have no idea.
• 1:02:10
  Matt: This is the first one I've played.
• 1:02:11
  Eric: Oh, okay.
• 1:02:12
  Eric: So Gandhi is actually one of the most aggressive leaders in a civilization game.
• 1:02:18
  Eric: Interesting.
• 1:02:19
  Eric: Because in the first game he was in, they were they the the developers set his I I I'm trying to remember the word they use, like his benevolence super high.
• 1:02:31
  Eric: But the problem is is if it kept going up, it eventually overclocked.
• 1:02:37
  Eric: So like it it hit the maximum value for benevolence.
• 1:02:40
  Eric: Okay.
• 1:02:41
  Eric: Circled it all the way down to the most negative benevolence score.
• 1:02:47
  Eric: So he became a psychopath.
• 1:02:50
  Eric: Whoa.
• 1:02:51
  Eric: And and it was a it was a bug that developers liked so much that they just kept it in.
• 1:02:58
  Matt: Well, they clearly uh that is still there because like I gotta say, this declaration of war came out of fucking nowhere.
• 1:03:04
  Eric: Yeah, since then, Gandhi has historically been one of the most like bloodthirsty leaders on the map.
• 1:03:11
  Eric: He'll wanna he'll he'll fight anyone.
• 1:03:13
  Eric: Yeah, well, he's not thirsty for anything anymore.
• 1:03:15
  Matt: Let me tell you that.
• 1:03:16
  Matt: Let me tell you that.
• 1:03:18
  Matt: Anyway, I think I think I will have learned lessons once I hit the the 500 turn mark, uh, as is the lifespan of a game, but I think I will do things differently the second time around.
• 1:03:32
  Matt: And I by the way, I didn't choose Teddy Roosevelt.
• 1:03:34
  Matt: I did random, and it gave me a lot of people.
• 1:03:36
  Matt: The Teddy Life chose you.
• 1:03:38
  Matt: I didn't choose the Teddy Life, the Teddy Life chose me.
• 1:03:40
  Eric: These next turns will determine if you are forever known as Teddy the Great or Teddy the Terrible.
• 1:03:45
  Eric: Teddy the Terror.
• 1:03:47
  Matt: I think I'm already entering Teddy Life.
• 1:03:49
  Matt: Teddy the Terror.
• 1:03:50
  Matt: Basically, and I I gotta say, I feel a little bit bad about this.
• 1:03:53
  Matt: I do have one ally.
• 1:03:55
  Matt: I do have one friend in this world.
• 1:03:56
  Eric: I'm gonna get I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna guess I think you're gonna nail it.
• 1:04:00
  Eric: So go ahead.
• 1:04:01
  Eric: So hold on.
• 1:04:01
  Eric: So you have one ally in this world.
• 1:04:04
  Matt: Everybody else is like, everybody else is like, you're the worst.
• 1:04:07
  Matt: You're you're pe you're you're starving your people from culture.
• 1:04:11
  Matt: I hate you, you're the worst.
• 1:04:13
  Matt: And I've got one friend who's like, you're cool with us.
• 1:04:16
  Matt: Who do you think it might be?
• 1:04:18
  Matt: Russia.
• 1:04:19
  Eric: No, Peter the Great hates me.
• 1:04:21
  Eric: Oh, right.
• 1:04:21
  Eric: Oh, sorry, sorry.
• 1:04:22
  Eric: Nix that.
• 1:04:23
  Eric: I'm gonna guess Korea.
• 1:04:26
  Matt: Uh good guess, but incorrect.
• 1:04:28
  Matt: No, it is England.
• 1:04:32
  Matt: England! England loves me.
• 1:04:35
  SPEAKER_04: England.
• 1:04:36
  Matt: England loves me right now.
• 1:04:39
  Matt: Now, I will say, I'm playing on the like actual world map, right?
• 1:04:43
  Matt: Uh-huh.
• 1:04:44
  Matt: So they're on England is on the their stronghold is on the southern tip of Africa and nowhere else.
• 1:04:50
  Eric: Oh, wow.
• 1:04:51
  Matt: I now control all of Europe and Central Asia.
• 1:04:55
  Matt: Uh Egypt has has the like, you know, more towards Japan, that area, they've got that.
• 1:05:01
  Matt: The Pacific.
• 1:05:02
  Matt: And Russia is in North Africa and nowhere else.
• 1:05:04
  unknown: Wild.
• 1:05:05
  Matt: So like slowly, I think America will be the last place I conquer.
• 1:05:10
  Matt: Because at this point, you'll be coming home.
• 1:05:12
  Matt: If the shoe fits, if you all want to paint me as some Teddy the terrible, then like buckle up, folks.
• 1:05:22
  Matt: Teddy's coming home.
• 1:05:24
  Eric: Teddy's gonna give it to you.
• 1:05:25
  Eric: Teddy's gonna give it to you.
• 1:05:27
  Matt: Okay, so that's anyway.
• 1:05:28
  Matt: Right now the answer would be uh not very good, as it turns out, is a dictator.
• 1:05:33
  Matt: Well, I mean Well, I guess I'm effective.
• 1:05:36
  Eric: Yeah, uh your entire continents under your heel.
• 1:05:40
  Matt: I'm doing pretty good from uh for a novice dictator.
• 1:05:43
  Eric: Yeah, man.
• 1:05:44
  Eric: You're killing it.
• 1:05:45
  Matt: One day, you know, we'll one day we'll should do a uh a live stream, a Twitch of the two of us playing, and we can try our dual dictatorship idea that we had in in that episode.
• 1:05:55
  Eric: Yeah, what could possibly go wrong?
• 1:05:58
  Matt: Yeah, it sounds more and more problematic the more we talk about it.
• 1:06:02
  Matt: Well, I think that'll bat that'll battle do us here for episode 15.
• 1:06:07
  Eric: Quincenera number one.
• 1:06:09
  Matt: Uh listen, we again, I always say it, we need those questions, folks.
• 1:06:14
  Matt: We need them.
• 1:06:15
  Matt: And you can submit them to us at you didn't ask for this, gmail.com or you didn't ask pod.
• 1:06:21
  Matt: That's the letter you didn't ask pod on Instagram and on Twitter.
• 1:06:27
  Matt: Uh, we have taken to posting uh frequently, uh almost every day.
• 1:06:31
  Matt: I try to make it every day.
• 1:06:32
  Matt: Some posts in our stories of uh inspiration, you know, subjects that you could ask questions about.
• 1:06:39
  Matt: But they can be about anything.
• 1:06:40
  Matt: Eric, throw throw out a topic, Eric.
• 1:06:47
  Matt: Anything.
• 1:06:48
  Matt: It could be uh all of that.
• 1:06:50
  Matt: Yes, macaroni.
• 1:06:52
  Matt: Give us your macaroni.
• 1:06:54
  Matt: Give me your macaroni question.
• 1:06:56
  Matt: Any pasta based question.
• 1:06:57
  Matt: Uh yeah, until then, we will see you two weeks from today.
• 1:07:03
  Matt: My name's Matt Shea.
• 1:07:05
  Matt: My name Eric Poach.
• 1:07:06
  Eric: You didn't ask.
• 1:07:08
  Eric: But I forgot to say the word is when I said my name is Eric Poach.
• 1:07:12
  Eric: You want to do it again, or you just want to end that one?
• 1:07:14
  Eric: Oh, I want I want to keep that.
• 1:07:15
  Eric: All right, we'll just keep that.
• 1:07:17
  SPEAKER_04: Because you know what?
• 1:07:17
  SPEAKER_04: We don't want to lie.