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Sober Talk SA - Sebastian · Sober Talk SA

• 0:02
  Welcome to Sober TALK. I'm Dennis and I'm an alcoholic.
• 0:06
  Soap dear. Thanks to Alcoholics Anonymous.
• 0:10
  If you or anyone you know is struggling with alcohol, please
• 0:13
  call Alcoholics Anonymous on 1300 double 22222.
• 0:19
  I'll visit their website ata.org dot AU.
• 0:26
  I'll just run through the preamble of Alcoholics
• 0:29
  Anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous is a
• 0:31
  fellowship of people who share the experience, strengthen hope
• 0:35
  with each other that they may solve their common problems and
• 0:39
  help with us to recover from alcoholism.
• 0:42
  The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop
• 0:45
  drinking and no dues of fees. Fair membership.
• 0:48
  We are self supporting through our own contributions.
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  He is not allied with any sect in omission politics,
• 0:56
  organization or institution, does not wish to engage in any
• 1:00
  controversy, either endorses or oppose any causes.
• 1:05
  Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other Alcoholics
• 1:09
  are chiefs of Brady. Good day friends, it's my name
• 1:13
  Sebastian and I'm an alcoholic. Sober today thanks God and been
• 1:20
  asked to do this talk in in the hopes that it might my message
• 1:26
  might be able to help help another alcoholic at least keep
• 1:32
  them, you know another perspective.
• 1:37
  So yeah, I, I came into the rooms of Alcoholics and honest
• 1:45
  17 years ago or so in 2008, the 11th of 11th of September, 2008.
• 1:53
  And I haven't been able to stay sober that whole time.
• 2:00
  But most of that time I've been, I've been sober and I'll just
• 2:06
  kept coming back. And yeah, currently, currently
• 2:11
  just over three years of sobriety, which is the longest
• 2:14
  I've ever had. And yeah, everyday's a gift for
• 2:18
  me. I'll, I'll, I'll try and I'll
• 2:22
  tell you the story a little bit about how I ended up in that
• 2:25
  first meeting and yeah, what it what it was like and what
• 2:31
  happened and what it's like now. Though I was, I've always
• 2:37
  struggled terrifyingly self-conscious kid, pretty
• 2:44
  disturbed. And yeah, just I didn't, I
• 2:49
  didn't feel like I fit in at all with anyone.
• 2:53
  Always, always really struggle to make, you know, connections
• 2:57
  with with other kids and and yeah, enjoyed a lot of time
• 3:03
  spending my own mind in fantasy, reading books and and just, you
• 3:10
  know, Daydream. Daydreaming maybe might be the
• 3:12
  word for it and drifting off and, yeah, just living in my own
• 3:18
  head. I suppose I, I recognize that I
• 3:23
  might have had some issues with overeating and particularly
• 3:28
  using sugar to medicate those feelings sometimes feeling, you
• 3:33
  know, really bubbled and, and how I've heard many people
• 3:41
  since, in, since being in Alcoholics Anonymous describe it
• 3:44
  as dis ease. I felt, I felt at a dis ease.
• 3:51
  And anyway, I just, I just muddled my way through life.
• 3:57
  I, I mean, I could go into my whole back story.
• 3:59
  I don't, I don't think I want to do that right now.
• 4:02
  Maybe in another time, but I, I'd been seeing this, this lady
• 4:09
  and who I'd met on an online dating site and she had three
• 4:15
  children and we, we, you know, I cared about her and, and, and
• 4:20
  she cared about me and she had three children and, and, and I
• 4:25
  was, I was drinking and she didn't, she didn't want that
• 4:28
  around her kids. And more specifically, I was, I
• 4:32
  was smoking weed and she didn't want that around her kids and,
• 4:36
  and unfair enough. And I told her, Oh yeah, yeah,
• 4:40
  I'll stop. And, and I, I really did.
• 4:44
  I really did want to. I really did like that.
• 4:47
  The intention of mine was to stop and but I could, I just
• 4:52
  couldn't do it. So and I found myself, you know,
• 4:55
  sneaking drinks and sneaking, sneaking, smoking marijuana,
• 5:00
  thinking that she wouldn't, she wouldn't know.
• 5:04
  Yeah, as if like, I suppose like a lot of Alabolics, we somehow
• 5:10
  believe that what we do, the whole world doesn't actually
• 5:14
  know that we've got a problem. When most, I think most, if not
• 5:19
  all the people that are really close to us at our work or
• 5:24
  friends and family and, and other people we interact with
• 5:27
  that they, they all know we're not, we're not kidding anyone.
• 5:31
  But, you know, I made a promise to her and we, we were on again
• 5:36
  and off again. And in the end, in the end that
• 5:41
  just didn't work out. And, and, and I, I can't have
• 5:45
  had this, I can't have had an emotional breakdown.
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  And at a certain point she told me to go and get some
• 5:53
  counselling. And I did go in, I did go in to
• 5:57
  see the, the counsellor, which was, you know, there was a place
• 6:02
  called, I think it's called by Allah.
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  This was in Brisbane. I have a, like a, a health
• 6:09
  services place there and a needle exchange downstairs.
• 6:13
  And, and I went in and talked to the doctor and left basically
• 6:19
  was him telling me, well, if you don't think you've got a, like
• 6:22
  I've told him, I don't think I've really got a problem here.
• 6:25
  And he said, well, if you don't think you've got a problem, then
• 6:28
  that's OK. And off I went.
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  And this was, I don't know, a month or two before the
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  relationship dissolved completely.
• 6:38
  And anyway, but he, he did mention at the end as well that
• 6:45
  they had this, this men's group. It wasn't an, a, a meaning, but
• 6:48
  it was this men's group that he facilitated.
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  So let men talk about their feelings and emotions and
• 6:55
  whatever was going on for them. And just happened to be on on a
• 7:00
  Thursday night. And yeah, my drinking, my
• 7:04
  drinking, my drugs. And I was, I was having this
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  emotional breakdown. My drinking and drugs was out of
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  control. And I just, I was living beyond
• 7:14
  my means and, and always running out of money and not having
• 7:19
  enough money to keep drinking. And I just completely broke down
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  one day when I came home from, I told myself, I'm not going to do
• 7:27
  this anymore when I get home and from work.
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  And I came home one, one day and, and I was just, I went
• 7:35
  inside and I, I just were rocking myself backwards and
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  forwards and, and I didn't have any money to get any drinks or,
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  or drugs. And, and I thought it was, it
• 7:51
  just happened to be a Thursday. And this it popped into my head.
• 7:54
  If I don't, you know, I was thinking about ending my life
• 7:57
  and throwing himself in front of a train.
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  And is that I'll take the train to work.
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  And I'd be, you know, standing on the platform in the morning
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  waiting for the train and thinking, oh, what if I just
• 8:07
  throw myself in front of this train?
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  And anyway, it was a Thursday and, and this all popped into my
• 8:16
  head. Oh, what about this men's group?
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  So I, I got in my car and I drive like a maniac to this
• 8:24
  place, which was very close to where I worked.
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  I jumped out and I kind of went to the counter.
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  Oh, there's a men's meeting here.
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  I mean, I just, I knew I needed to talk to someone.
• 8:37
  I knew I needed help. And I, and I never really, you
• 8:41
  know, never really reached out for help before anyway.
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  So I went in there and, and I said, is this men?
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  Is there the men, the meaning, where is it?
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  What's going on? And they told me, oh, the guy's
• 8:58
  gone. Nobody showed up.
• 8:59
  So they got the, the psychologist or the counsellor
• 9:02
  or whatever, went home and my heart sank a little bit and I
• 9:07
  thought, oh, this is, this is no good.
• 9:10
  And I, I don't know. I've I was still wanting to talk
• 9:13
  to someone and I went to the needle exchange guy downstairs
• 9:19
  and and said I were looking for a men's meeting.
• 9:23
  It's not here. I must have been insane because
• 9:27
  I don't know. But anyway, the guy just the
• 9:31
  most casual thing, as if as if this thing, this this had
• 9:35
  happened to him every single day.
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  Like it was just it like it was just nothing to him.
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  He just casually pointed to the to the wall of brochures and
• 9:47
  pamphlets that they had in the needle exchange and, and said,
• 9:52
  Oh, have you tried Alcoholics Anonymous?
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  And I said, no, what's that? And he said, oh, that's these
• 9:59
  mean people go there when they, you know, they've got a problem
• 10:02
  with addiction and alcoholism and stuff.
• 10:07
  Said, all right. And no, no, I walked over and
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  for him, for him, it was so nonchalant and like it like it
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  wasn't a big deal and and am I all right then?
• 10:19
  And I got the pamphlet and it was a meetings list.
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  And I looked up the meeting and there was a meeting starting
• 10:26
  down the road. So, but it was already like it
• 10:28
  was getting later. And I jumped in my car and
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  drove, drove like a maniac to this place where the meeting was
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  on And I was, I was struggling to find it.
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  It was like out the back of his neighborhood centre and, and I
• 10:43
  couldn't, I couldn't find it, But I was at this point, I was
• 10:46
  friend. I was literally frantic at this
• 10:48
  point wanting to, you know, I, I need to talk to someone and I
• 10:53
  was in you know what, I want to, I want to get help.
• 10:57
  I need help. And so anyway, I did find it and
• 11:02
  the, and the meaning had already started.
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  And it, it just happened to be a men's meeting.
• 11:08
  And, and I, I walked around the back of this community centre
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  and the guys were all sitting in a, in the room with the light
• 11:17
  turned off and like a candle or a soft light somewhere and
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  they're all in the circ like a big circle.
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  And I was a foot, it was a totally packed room.
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  And one of the guys by the glass door saw me approaching like and
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  opened the door and said, come in.
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  And there was only one seat available and it was right on
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  the other side, on the other side of the room.
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  So they already went, the meeting was going and people
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  were sharing. And I had to walk through the
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  whole everyone kind of looking at me.
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  And I felt like really uncomfortable.
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  And, and then I sat down and, and yeah, these, these people,
• 12:00
  these guys that they were talking about me and, and how I
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  felt. And, you know, I just, I don't,
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  I just immediately I started to, you know, I started to get that
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  feeling that you get when you go into an Alcoholics Anonymous,
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  meaning you, you start to unwind and relax and, you know, and
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  tune into the, the very moment that's happening right, right
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  then. And forget about all the, you
• 12:33
  know, all this, all the others, the madness in your head and all
• 12:37
  the voices in your head. And, and you know, the past that
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  isn't, isn't here anymore in the future that's not, not of the
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  past that's gone. And the future that isn't,
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  isn't, isn't here yet. And yeah, I, I, I just knew that
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  this, this was gonna, this was for me.
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  And, and, and yeah, a lot of the guys, they're like, they tried
• 13:05
  to question me, you know, what's happening.
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  And I, I, I wasn't, I'm good with socially with people, but I
• 13:12
  tried, I told them a little bit and, and they're just basically
• 13:16
  they, they gave me their numbers and they said keep, just keep
• 13:21
  coming back. And so I did and I did meanings.
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  That's, that's all I did. I did meanings and meanings
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  unless that they told me to do 90 meanings and 90 days.
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  So I did. And I at that time I was still
• 13:37
  working on the weekends. I'll do two and three and five
• 13:45
  meetings because I just, yeah, I was really, really lost and
• 13:49
  really, really broken. And yeah, I made the mistake of
• 13:57
  well, and it was good and and it was good.
• 14:00
  And I'd never felt so happy. I'd never like it like when I
• 14:03
  was a kid again. I can remember.
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  So there was times where I was really happy and I felt like
• 14:10
  that I was like this pink flower that they talk about.
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  Anyway, I, I was probably pretty insane and I was, I was thought
• 14:22
  it was good idea. I I didn't I, I tried to kind of
• 14:25
  get advice and and have a sponsor, but I didn't really, I
• 14:30
  didn't wasn't really working debts at that point and I took
• 14:35
  it upon myself to iron make amends.
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  One night. I was about 9, I think I was
• 14:41
  just over nine months and I pulled up out driving my place
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  where I was staying at the boarding house in Brisbane and,
• 14:50
  and I contacted this ex partner that I, I was saying, and I
• 14:55
  cried my eyes after I said, I'm so sorry.
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  I, I, I've got a problem. I'm doing something about it.
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  I'm going to Alcoholics Anonymous and things are getting
• 15:06
  better for me. And, and I left it that, but I
• 15:09
  was on the phone with her for about, I don't know, 3540
• 15:13
  minutes. And I thought, I thought I was
• 15:16
  doing the right thing and I think I was doing the right
• 15:18
  thing. And the problem was I wasn't
• 15:22
  ready for, you know, the emotional, the emotional
• 15:27
  entanglement that comes with an intimate relationship.
• 15:31
  And yeah, the things that would happen.
• 15:35
  So a weekend later, I was at a meeting, I get a text message
• 15:41
  from her saying I miss, I miss the intimacy, the physical
• 15:45
  intimacy that we had together was ordering me a little bit
• 15:49
  more blunt than that, but I'll censor it for the kids.
• 15:54
  And I miss, I miss the physical intimacy and not, yeah, not I
• 16:00
  care about you and how you're doing and your emotional and
• 16:04
  spiritual well-being. I was like, oh, I miss, you
• 16:08
  know, I miss that part. And, and I, I pulled some, I was
• 16:13
  out of my mind then and, and I pulled someone aside and
• 16:17
  unfortunately they gave me the, they gave me the wrong advice,
• 16:21
  which was just the advice I was looking to hear.
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  And I said, oh, I got this message.
• 16:27
  I did this, I made amends. And now I've got this message
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  saying, you know this and that and plan to go around and see
• 16:36
  her. And unfortunately, the person
• 16:39
  that I spoke to told me just what I wanted to hear, which was
• 16:44
  if, if you think you can handle it, then go around and, and see
• 16:50
  her and, and I didn't need any more encouragement than that.
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  And so I got in my car and I went around and saw her and we
• 16:59
  got back together for a short time and it didn't work out.
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  And because I, I changed and, and yeah, and it just, it just
• 17:12
  didn't work out. No, I couldn't.
• 17:14
  I couldn't handle it. So I lost my I lost my sobriety
• 17:20
  because of that. And yeah, then I came back and I
• 17:25
  know I must have been. Yeah, I even, I even sat in my
• 17:29
  car. I even called someone before I
• 17:33
  relapsed, knowing that that was the right thing to do.
• 17:35
  And I was iron my guts out because this, you know, this
• 17:40
  lady, I need separated again. And I crawled some while and I
• 17:45
  was crying my guts out and I was about to drink and I said don't,
• 17:50
  don't do that. And I'd already in my mind
• 17:53
  decided I was going to do that. And and yeah, felt tremendously
• 18:00
  sorry for myself, I suppose. And interestingly came back to
• 18:06
  recovery, I don't know how long it was.
• 18:07
  It wasn't long, maybe maybe a week or two weeks.
• 18:11
  I came back to recovery and, and just did meanings again every
• 18:14
  day. And yeah, six months later
• 18:18
  again, I did, I contacted her again and we we did.
• 18:21
  And exactly the same thing happened.
• 18:23
  And yeah, so when they talk about in Alcoholics Anonymous,
• 18:29
  doing different, doing different, doing the same thing,
• 18:32
  expecting different results is the definition of insanity.
• 18:37
  I mean, that's exactly what it was.
• 18:39
  And yeah, anyway, how long have I been talking for now, Dennis?
• 18:48
  Oh, decks, 18 minutes. Keep on. 15 minutes?
• 18:54
  Yeah, that enough. No, keep going.
• 18:57
  Keep. Going anyway.
• 19:00
  What it's like now. Sure, sure, sure.
• 19:06
  Anyway, so I kind of I learned my lesson about my capacity to
• 19:14
  handle. Hello.
• 19:21
  Yeah, sorry, I've started now. It it can edit this out anyway,
• 19:25
  can't it? Yeah, but yeah, yeah.
• 19:27
  So I just, yeah. But then I knew how fragile I
• 19:33
  was in relation to codependency and I knew that.
• 19:39
  I knew that my troubles weren't, you know, I was only just
• 19:43
  starting to understand the, the nature of my alcoholism and, and
• 19:50
  things that caused it and, and background very past trauma and
• 19:55
  family history and, and all these things.
• 19:58
  And I knew that. Yeah, basically my, the only way
• 20:05
  I was going to the only way I was ever going to have a chance
• 20:10
  to move forward was to just do alcohol, put myself in the
• 20:15
  middle of Alcoholics Anonymous and, and keep trying and, and
• 20:21
  keep doing heaps of meanings and learning more about myself and
• 20:25
  reading the literature and trying to unpack stuff and put
• 20:29
  this and put the steps into my life.
• 20:33
  And somewhere along the way, I, I understood that what the big
• 20:39
  book talks about when it says that if we just concentrate and
• 20:43
  focus on the spiritual aspect, that, that I mentioned the
• 20:48
  spiritual, spiritual area or dimension of our lives, then all
• 20:53
  the other stuff will fall into place.
• 20:56
  And that, that, that seems to be the thing that has proven to be
• 21:00
  true again and again and again. Because when I have thought, oh,
• 21:07
  this is what I'll do. This is I'll make a plan.
• 21:11
  I'll, I'll go to university and, and do this, or I'll go to TAFE
• 21:16
  and I'll do this and become an apprentice chef or I've got an
• 21:20
  idea. I've got a great idea.
• 21:23
  I've got a plan and I go and push that and, and go and try
• 21:29
  and achieve that or do that. It's, it's really, I haven't
• 21:35
  been, it hasn't been life for me and it hasn't worked.
• 21:39
  And I've ended up, I've ended up one way or another in my firstly
• 21:45
  emotionally relapsing and then, and then followed up by actually
• 21:49
  drinking again. And yeah, it's, it's, it's,
• 21:56
  it's, it's tough to, it's tough to admit when you're wrong,
• 22:01
  like, but that is, that's, that's what happened.
• 22:04
  That's what had to happen for me.
• 22:07
  And I'm, I'm glad about that. I take great comfort in that
• 22:11
  and, and knowing that I in, in admitting that I'm long and
• 22:15
  surrendering and actually, yeah, being, being powerless,
• 22:23
  basically, I see it as take, take the word alcohol out of
• 22:28
  step one and insert the word everything because that's
• 22:33
  basically what I'm powerless. So I can't even necessarily
• 22:37
  control my own thoughts and emotions and reactions on, on,
• 22:43
  you know, at times in given certain given situations.
• 22:49
  So I just have to stay close to the program.
• 22:53
  And yeah, I'm truly thankful to God for all the blessings that I
• 22:58
  have in my life. There's a lot more to share, but
• 23:01
  I think I think I'll leave it there and good luck and I hope
• 23:05
  you stay sober and you can, you can do it if you want it.
• 23:09
  Thank you so much. A A has more than two million
• 23:13
  recovering Alcoholics throughout the world.
• 23:16
  In Australia there are about 18,000 members.
• 23:20
  They're made in over 2000 local meetings spread around the
• 23:25
  country. Meetings range in size from a
• 23:28
  handful in some areas to hundreds or more in larger
• 23:32
  communities. And once again, if anyone you
• 23:35
  know is struggling with alcohol issues, please call Alcoholics
• 23:40
  Announcing 1300 Double 00022 or visit their website on aa.org
• 23:47
  dot AU.