Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S1 Ep11: 33 Minutes of Comedy Gold 🤣

Transcript

S1 Ep11: 33 Minutes of Comedy Gold 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: You ever create so many usernames and passwords so no one will steal your identity?
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_01: That you no longer know your own identity?
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, username, Tom Papa.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_01: Wrong.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_01: Monkey47?
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome! There's sometimes they email you back your password when you forget it.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_01: You're like, what the hell was I thinking?
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_01: Butterfly whispers?
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_01: Was I on ecstasy when I joined Amazon?
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: Facebook is completely out of hand now, right?
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_01: It's the whole planet now.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_01: It's too much.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: It's too many people.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_01: Everyone in the world.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, I would have been so much nicer to everyone in my life if I knew eventually they were all coming back.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, good to hear from you, Kenny.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_01: Sorry I left you in the woods that night.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: Glad you found your way out and grew up and stuff.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_01: Kids will be kids, huh?
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: Powerful though, isn't it?
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_01: It's changing the planet.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_01: The whole planet's being changed because of Facebook.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_01: No one saw any of this, right?
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_01: A Jewish kid in America creates Facebook and it helps the Egyptian government collapse.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_01: No one saw that coming.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_01: Even the Muslim Brotherhood was like, we'd like to thank the Jews.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: Feels weird.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_01: Imagine if we've been around throughout history.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_01: How many lives would have been saved?
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: Look out, Lincoln.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: LLO.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'm playing Angry Birds.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: My mother's on it now.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_01: She's all old and confused.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, she calls it my face.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_01: Are you on my face?
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_01: Your father's on my face.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if you're confused or perverted.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_01: Don't say that ever again.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_01: What's the big deal?
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_01: Everyone's on my face.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_01: Uncle Bob and Betsy.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_01: It's nice to see a good news story once in a while, though, isn't it?
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: I'm so tired of people losing it, flipping out.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_01: It's always the same excuse.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, he didn't fit in.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_01: He had a hard time fitting in.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: He never really fit in.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: You know what?
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: There is no fitting in.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: I don't fit in.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_01: You don't fit in.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_01: There's no such thing as fitting in.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_01: Life is a pair of skinny jeans, and you are a big fat ass.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: That's it.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_01: It's uncomfortable being a human being.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_01: No one likes you, no one wants to be friends with you after the age of ten.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: That's what it is to be a human being.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: No one likes you, you don't like them, that's how we live.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: You ever walk into a restaurant and everyone's already sad?
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_01: You feel everyone's hate on you immediately.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, geez, why is everyone looking at me?
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: I guess I shouldn't have worn this shirt.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: Am I walking funny?
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_01: I better sit down and blend in.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_01: This is kind of weird.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: Not gonna fit in.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_01: Don't worry about it.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_01: Be uncomfortable.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_01: So deal with it.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: If you're lucky, if you're lucky, you'll find one person out of all the billions on the planet, the billions, you'll find one who will live with you for the rest of your life.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_01: One.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_01: And I got news for you, they don't like you that much either.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: But it's better than being alone.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_01: I say get married.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: Just find someone, hook up, and do it.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_01: Just do it.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_01: If you're dating right now, it's too much pressure.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_01: You're working your ass off.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_01: For what?
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_01: For what?
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_01: If you're on a date right now and you come out, is everything okay?
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_01: Are you happy with the seats?
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: Are you okay?
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_01: Do we park too far?
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_01: Is everything if you're married, they can't say anything.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_01: If they complain just turn, so you wanted to go out, we're out.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_01: Too much work, right?
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_01: You see dating couples in a restaurant, they're just yapping away as soon as they sit down.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_01: The waiter comes over.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sorry, we didn't even open it up.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_01: We didn't even, we've been talking so much.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_01: Married couples menus right up in each other's face.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: I can talk to you for the rest of my life.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_01: I'm here to eat.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: Something you did not cook.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_01: It's great.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: It's great.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_01: And there's no getting offended.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_01: You can say whatever you want.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: You don't have to be careful around each other.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: If you're a girl right now and you go home with a guy, you're chilly, you gotta be so careful.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: I'm I'm a little, does it feel a little chilly in here?
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: Do you mind if we close the window just?
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_01: I I know you're normally hotter than I am, but do you think that maybe we could?
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_01: If my wife is called, she just yells at me, shut the damn window.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: And I yell back at her, I'm doing it.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: And we're not fighting, we're just communicating in a timely fashion.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_01: There's no time to get offended.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_01: We're the kids, I don't know.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_01: Are we having sex tonight if I'm still awake?
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: I love you, I love you too.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_01: Please, you don't get offended.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_01: One time in the middle of a fight, my wife called me a bloated jellyfish.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_01: All I said was, good one, good one.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_01: Because I know I have the rest of my life to get her back.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: These fights never end.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_01: Ever, ever.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_01: We're gonna fight three years ago about the right way to load a dishwasher.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_01: Three years ago.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_01: I remember having the fight.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: I remember thinking I won that fight.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: Two weeks ago, we're out with another couple.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: Someone mentioned dish.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: My wife attacked out of nowhere.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: I thought it was over.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_01: She was just waiting me out like a crocodile in the water.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_01: For three years.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_01: Until I walk by.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_01: Dish! Never ends.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: Ever.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: My parents married 44 years.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_01: They fight, call me, and tell on each other.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_01: They don't even want to fight to each other anymore.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: The voicemail messages I get are insane.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_01: Tom, it's your mother.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: Your father cut his own hair again.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: Call me.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_01: The best one my father ever left was, Tom, it's your father.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: Your mother wants me to jazz or size.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: What the hell is that?
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: Doesn't sound good.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: I gotta go.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_01: Here she comes.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_01: You're just ill-prepared.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_01: You're ill-prepared.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_01: We don't see these things coming.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: You hook up because you're just attracted to each other, and then you end up in this life, and you didn't you had no idea it was coming.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_01: You know?
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: This is my life.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_01: I live in a house.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_01: I have a wife, I have two little girls, and two girl cats.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: And me.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's why I drink right there.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: Just me and a house full of girls.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_01: Just like I dreamed of when I was a little boy.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_01: I used to sit alone at night and think to myself, I can't wait till I get rid of all my friends and just move into a house filled with girls.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_01: Just a magical place where even the animals are girls.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: Just a home filled with emotion and a hatred of everything I enjoy.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: And you would think from that description that I have a wife and two daughters, and you're wrong.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_01: I now have three wives.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: I have three women who bust my balls 24 hours a day.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: If they hear my car keys, they pop up like meercats all around the house.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: From behind the counter and the sofa, where is he going?
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_01: Where is he going?
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: He didn't tell me he was going out, he didn't tell me either.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: He followed me out of the house.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_01: When are you coming back?
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: Who are you going with?
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: The hell happened.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_01: I thought I was gonna be like one of those mafia husbands, you know, like you see in the movies, right?
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: The wife comes up, where you going tonight, honey?
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: What did I tell you about asking about my business?
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: That's none of your business.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: He goes out for like a week and a half, no questions asked.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: That's how I thought it was gonna go.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_01: Now instead, I got my little cell phone, my little husband GPS tracking device.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: Gotta give her updates of where I am 24 hours a day.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_01: I'm in the supermarket, it's going great.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_01: Uh-oh, there's a woman walking this way.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_01: What do I do?
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, this is stupid.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just gonna come home.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: I shouldn't be out by myself.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna get in trouble out here.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, don't see it coming.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_01: And guys don't see it coming more than women.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_01: Because we have no idea about marriage our whole lives.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: We don't think about it.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_01: My daughters are already, it's in their brains.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_01: They think about marriage.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_01: Girls, think about it.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_01: Whether you want to do it or not, it's in your brain.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: Guys, never.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: Never.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: Would you ever hang out when you were little with all your little guy friends?
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_01: Let's play married.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_01: Let's pretend I just came home from the store and brought all the wrong stuff and you yell at me.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_01: No, we don't care.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: We don't care.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_01: Even when we're getting married, we don't care.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: That's why there's bride magazine.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_01: There's no groom magazine.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: What article could be in groom magazine?
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_01: Why you shouldn't stare at the bridesmaid's ass?
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: What?
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: Even when it's the most important day of our lives, we don't even wear our own clothes.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_01: We rent other men's clothes.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_01: Here's a pair of pants that someone else threw up on.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_01: Is that gonna bother you?
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: No, it's cool.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: I'll see you on Monday.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_01: At a total disadvantage.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_01: But women, you make the mistake of thinking that men are gonna make you happy.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: And that I have to tell you is is a dumb thing to do.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_01: Don't pin your happiness on men.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_01: Please.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_01: Our levels of happiness don't match up.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_01: He can't do it.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_01: It's impossible.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_01: And you think each step you go is gonna bring you closer.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: Well, maybe if he just goes out with me and nobody else, then I'll be happy.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_01: Well, maybe if we get engaged and I have a big ring and I can tell everybody we're gonna get married, then I'll be happy.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_01: Well, maybe if I get married and dress up like a snow princess and have a big mountain of shrimp and a chocolate waterfall, then I'm gonna have.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_01: You put a man in a concrete room with no one to talk to, no furniture, nothing.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_01: He is happy.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_01: And then she walks in.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_01: What are you doing in here by yourself?
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_01: You look all sad.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_01: No, I'm happy.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_01: But you got no one to talk to.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_01: Doesn't that make you sad?
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_01: Well, now I'm talking to you and now I'm miserable.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_01: No, the whole thing is up to the women.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_01: And thank God.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_01: If it wasn't up to you, we wouldn't, we'd just all be rolling around in the mud and throwing up on each other and peeing on things.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_01: It just wouldn't work.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_01: The whole thing is up to you.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_01: It is.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_01: The first time I saw my wife, I wasn't thinking, oh, she has good birthing hips.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_01: Let me mount that.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_01: I was just thinking, new sex.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_01: Yay! It's a powerful moment, isn't it?
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_01: You see her, she sees you, there's that attraction.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_01: You convince her that you're not a rapist.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_01: That's a special night.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_01: She brings you back to a room for the first time, a girl's room.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_01: Is there anything more heavenly on earth?
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_01: It's like a genie bottle in there.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_01: Pillows everywhere, you rub in the right spot, all your wishes come true.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_01: And you all work the rooms totally different, little touches, little tapestries on the dresser, little beads on the bedposts, weird bottles up on the shelves filled with nothing.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_01: It's like a magic castle.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_01: But then you get married, and then you realize it's your room too.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_01: That's not cool.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_01: There's no mystery left.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_01: Then you realize she has all those empty bottles up there because she's lazy.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_01: She just buys stuff and doesn't throw it out.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_01: Then you don't have new sex anymore, you have old sex.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_01: Still good, but not that not that often.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_01: You gotta have a lot of free time now, you gotta fill in a lot of yapping, a lot of yap, yap, yap, yapping.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_01: Then you reach that point where you're like, I love you, I really do.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_01: But if you tell me that story about you in high school one more time, I'm gonna bury you in the yard.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_01: And this is where the whole system kicks in.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_01: This is why you end up with kids.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_01: You need new material.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_01: You need someone else to talk to, and then you create the worst roommates on the planet.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_01: Horrible people to live with.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_01: Horrible.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_01: If you don't have kids, imagine having a roommate that comes into your room, takes something you love, smashes it in front of you, and then walks out of the room.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_01: Then comes back, pees on it, and laughs in your face.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_01: They're animals.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_01: You ever open up a pack of MMs around little kids?
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_01: They come at you like goats in a petting zoo.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_01: No hands, just heads.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_01: And that's what brings you back together.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_01: You're like, I hate them, I hate them too.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_01: I love you, I love you too.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_01: And this is where the whole system kicks in.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_01: This is why you end up with kids.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_01: You need new material.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_01: You need someone else to talk to, and then you create the worst roommates on the planet.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_01: Horrible people to live with, horrible.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_01: If you don't have kids, imagine having a roommate that comes into your room, takes something you love, smashes it in front of you, and then walks out of the room.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_01: Then comes back, pees on it, and laughs in your face.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_01: They're animals.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_01: You ever open up a pack of MMs around little kids?
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_01: They come at you like goats in a petting zoo.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_01: No hands, just heads.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_01: And that's what brings you back together.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_01: You're like, I hate them, I hate them too.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_01: I love you, I love you too.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_01: The worst part is that they don't really like you that much.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_01: Kids don't.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_01: I like my kids, I like them a lot.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_01: They don't like me.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_01: They don't.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_01: If you like someone, would you walk up to them when they're reading the paper and just tear it out of their hands?
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_01: No, you wouldn't do that.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_01: Would you cock block them every night of the week?
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_01: Not to someone you liked.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_01: They just look at me as a source for food, and they'll lie right to my face.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_01: Right to my face.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_01: They will.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_01: They don't care.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_01: They don't care.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_01: This is the thing.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_01: You love kids in an uncontrollable way.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_01: Like if you love another person, you're in love with a guy or your girl, you can control, you can put the brakes on.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna love her this much, I don't want to expose myself, I'm gonna keep it back.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_01: Kids, there's a cascading love, you it's you it's helpless.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_01: You will kill for them, and you're in free fall.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_01: And they look at you like, eh, I could do better.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_01: If I get some of those keys that he's got, I'm out of here.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_01: My little one came up to me last week.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_01: I want some teddy grams.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_01: Give me some teddy grams.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_01: No, you just had teddy grams.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_01: No, I didn't.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, you did.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_01: I gave them to you.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_01: Now why do you gotta go make me upset?
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_01: Just get me some teddy grams.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_01: What are you, a little white pimp?
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_01: Who's in my kitchen?
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_01: Just give me some mother-loving teddy grams.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_01: What do you mean you jibba jabit?
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_01: I would just give me, give them dang, don't d dang.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_01: If my arms were long, I would get the teddy gram myself.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_01: Why you gotta be who are you in my house?
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_01: But I found something out.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_01: If you would have ever end up with kids and you want a little advantage over them, raise them here in New York because the weather is so bad, it creates gloomy children, it's perfect.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_01: We were we were in LA and just the sunshine, the kids were so filled with joy and hope and energy and every day.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_01: Can we go to the park?
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_01: Can we throw a ball?
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_01: Can we go in the pool?
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_01: Can we?
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_01: Can we can we annoying?
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_01: Here they just sit in the apartment and stare out at the rain for hours.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_01: They just watch the water falling and they get all sad and pensive and contemplate what went wrong in their first seven years on the planet, and they realize I can't help, and I'm just reading a book and I'm happy.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_01: So much better.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_01: Listen, I don't care if kids play.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_01: That's cool.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_01: I'm fine with that.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_01: But now, this culture, parents are supposed to play with the kids nonstop.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_01: I don't understand that never happened.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_01: It was kids and grown-ups.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_01: Don't you remember that being a thing?
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_01: Like when we weren't all the same?
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_01: Don't you remember?
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_01: My father wasn't some hired party clown when I was a kid.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_01: He was the father.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_01: He was the dad.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_01: That was a different deal.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_01: He was the king of his castle.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_01: He was, and that's what I thought I'd be.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, alright, I'm gonna have kids.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna be the king of the castle.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna make people and rule them.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_01: That doesn't exist.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_01: That's an old version of dad.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_01: There's a new kind of dad now.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_01: Now you're part mom, part dad.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_01: You're like this useless hermaphrodite just hanging around the house.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_01: There's no respect for fathers.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_01: Even the cartoons the kids watch.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_01: Here comes dad, bam, bam, pam, pam, pam.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_01: What a douchebag.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_01: Do you remember your father coming home from work?
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_01: It was like the bad guy coming back to the town in the Wild West.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_01: My mother would gather us in the kitchen.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_01: Your father's coming.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_01: Don't look him in the eye.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_01: He's gonna take your head right off.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_01: He loves you, he just doesn't want to see or hear from you.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_01: I get home, it's like the camp counselor just got there.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_01: Here's the kids, I'm going for a massage.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_01: See you later, jackass.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_01: My father would lay out in the middle of the playroom, just sleep in the middle of the playroom, just on the floor, to lay there.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_01: My mother would go, it's your father! Get out of the house! Get out! It's your father! He works hard.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_01: Get out! It's raining! Get out! I try and sleep in my house.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_01: People are poking me in the face.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_01: Literally opening my eyes.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_01: Are you awake?
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_01: Are you awake?
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_01: We need you to hook up the weed.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_01: Hook up the wig.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_01: Hook up the weed.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_01: Hook up the weed.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, hook it up.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_01: Hook it up.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_01: I hide in the bathroom.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_01: That's my only place to hide.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_01: I pay for the whole place.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_01: I sit in the bathroom like an idiot.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_01: And they start pounding on the door.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_01: And like a normal person, if someone doesn't answer, oh, they're busy, I'll come back later.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_01: No, they get on the ground, two eyes looking up at me.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_01: The other one starts wiggling fingers underneath.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_01: Then the cat gets involved, the paw comes under.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_01: It's like an attack of the needy idiots.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_01: And it's our generation is completely infantile guys.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_01: I don't understand why we're not grown-ups.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_01: These you should see these dads at the park.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_01: They dress like the kids, they're in converse, and they're dressed exactly like they're little six-year-olds, and they're high-five in and trying to be cool and accepted by the eight-year-olds.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_01: Woo! Are you kidding?
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_01: I've waited my whole life to be a man.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_01: I want to sit in the park on a bench and smoke a cigar and drink a martini and have my kids look at me from the swings and think, I'm not gonna even ask him to push.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_01: There's no way he's getting up.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_01: And then the one time I do get up, it'll be special.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_01: Be like, wow, he loves us.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_01: And they'll tell their kids, and it'll be a thing.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_01: It'll be like, remember the time when he got up and he pushed us on the and how irresponsible it is of the parents to tell kids that they shouldn't get their own friends their age.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_01: We're not friends.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_01: I have sex with your mother.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_01: We're not hanging out.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_01: We are enemies on a cosmic level.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_01: And the kids are cool.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_01: You know, they're cool, they're getting bigger, they're cool, you can talk now, it's fun, you can hang out with them, you know.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, listen, small talk to me with children is so much better than small talk with adults.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_01: You're right?
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, at least they're coming up with new thoughts, trying new ideas.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_01: I was at a wedding with these grown-ups, I kind of know, they're just regurgitating stories they've said for 50 years.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_01: There's not one original thought, it's just cliches and uh, how's work done?
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_01: Well, still a million bucks, shy of being a millionaire.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_00: I got my commute down about an hour if I take the back road.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_00: If I take the highway, and the gas prices are ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_00: And my golf game.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_01: Shoot me in the face.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_01: My daughter walked in the other day, first thing out of her mouth, mom's breath smells like a taco.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_01: Great, let's talk about that.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_01: Why does it smell like a taco?
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_01: It normally smells like plastic, but today it smelled like a taco.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_01: I think there was a unicorn in my room last night.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_01: I saw some sparkles.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_01: You're awesome.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_01: I don't even have to get high with you.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_01: This is amazing.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_01: Who smells rainbows?
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_01: But all the schools in our neighborhood now are run by ex-hippies and potheads everywhere we go.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_01: We don't believe in grades here, man, or rules, or stressing out your child in any way.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I don't believe that's a school.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_01: I want a real school.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_01: The fat lunch lady can't figure out who's hitting her in the head with tater tots.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_01: The principal's a Vietnam vet, chain smoking in the parking lot, staring at the Asian kids all weird.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_01: That's why you go to school.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_01: Learn that adults are just as screwed up as you are, right?
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_01: I had a bad health teacher when I was going through puberty.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_01: She messed me up for years.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_01: She was explaining wet dreams.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_01: She said your sperm is nocturnal, which means it only comes out at night.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_01: Like a raccoon or a possum.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_01: For years I had nightmares that as it was sleeping, my sperm was out rummaging through garbage cans.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_01: I come down in the morning all paranoid, eat my cereal.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_01: Anybody see anything weird last night?
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_01: I'm glad we got it over with, though.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I'd be one of these people 65, 70, deciding to have kids.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_01: That's creepy.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_01: That's because science says you can't doesn't mean you should.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_01: It's not fair to the kids either.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_01: Old sperm makes old sperm kids.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_01: It's true.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_01: I see them at the park.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_01: There's a difference.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_01: Young sperm kids doing flips on the monkey bars, climbing trees, running real fast, old sperm kids in a sweater on the bench.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_01: All cold and shaky in the middle of July.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_01: And a lot of weird twins, too.
• 22:51
  SPEAKER_01: You notice that?
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_01: They're all this in vitro cloning going on.
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_01: They're popping twins out left and right.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_01: And they're not like normal twins, which are creepy enough.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_01: These are like shifty and paranoid.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_01: Because they know they're not supposed to be here.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_01: There's a pair in my neighborhood I call them little Johnny Two-Head.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_01: Because they always walk single file.
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_01: You think it's one kid coming at you.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_01: Then at the last minute, the other one pops his head out.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_01: They're always saying weird stuff to me, too.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, we swim in your pool, we won't eat your liver.
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_01: Get out of here, two-head.
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_01: You're freaking me out.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_01: She's a vegetarian, hardcore.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, no fun.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_01: Such a bummer.
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_01: I have to sneak turkey sandwiches in the garage like I'm smoking weed.
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_01: Are you out there?
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_01: I'm booming.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_01: I walk in.
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_01: You look different.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_01: What are you on?
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_01: Protein?
• 23:45
  SPEAKER_01: The kids are vegetarians too, by the way.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, Tommy all alone again.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_01: My wife's like, they just wanted to be vegetarians.
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_01: Isn't that weird?
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_01: They just they just chose to be vegetarian.
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, no, they didn't.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_01: They're little.
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_01: You brainwashed them.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_01: I saw what you did.
• 23:59
  SPEAKER_01: She'd read books to them.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_01: Every book has like a little pig with a hat on it and a bow tie.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_01: And then they they lived happily ever after until daddy got hungry and ate them all up.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna get them back.
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_01: If I get the b, I'm just gonna cook bacon every day for a week.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_01: I don't care if you're a vegan.
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_01: You wake up to the smell of bacon every morning, you're gonna be like, I don't care who is in that bow tie.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna bite him in his face.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_01: But who knows?
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe she's right.
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_01: I have no way of knowing.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_01: You know, maybe they're right.
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_01: Think about it.
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_01: What if God didn't intend for us to eat the animals?
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_01: Must have been pretty freaked out when we started.
• 24:43
  unknown: Right?
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_01: One of the saints comes up, gives a report on earth.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, God, I just checked on the humans down there.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_01: We have a problem.
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_01: Well, they're eating everything.
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_01: No, not the plants, like every animal you ever created.
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_01: Remember how you thought they'd be friends with the cow?
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_01: We're not getting along at all.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_01: What's weird to me is that we ate all these animals and then just stopped at dog and cat.
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 25:07
  SPEAKER_01: Run around the whole planet.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_01: No, no.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna teach this one some tricks.
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, I am.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, I am.
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_01: It's only a matter of time before this country starts cooking its pets, don't you think?
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_01: How many new meals can Taco Bell possibly come up with?
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_01: Really?
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_01: They are one bad idea away from a kitty changa, don't you think?
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_01: They're probably already cooking their pets.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_01: You haven't seen that chihuahua around in a while, have you?
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_01: I go to vegan restaurants with you.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_01: You ever try that?
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_01: You ever go to a vegan restaurant?
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_01: Ugh, it's a bummer of a night.
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_01: You want to celebrate life, you go to a steakhouse.
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_01: People are filled with joy.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_01: Beer and wine, people slashing each other with knives, blood dripping off your chin, everybody's laughing, pounding on the tables.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_01: Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_01: You go to a vegan restaurant, nobody's laughing.
• 26:04
  SPEAKER_01: They're so weak they don't even have the breath.
• 26:13
  SPEAKER_01: She's got two cats, loves them to death, loves them.
• 26:15
  SPEAKER_01: One's healthy, one's diabetic.
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, diabetic cat.
• 26:19
  SPEAKER_01: That wasn't even a term ten years ago.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_01: That was called new cat.
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_01: And a healthy cat, does that even exist?
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_01: All a cat does is eat and then almost throw up all day long.
• 26:31
  SPEAKER_01: Just walks around the house 24 hours a day.
• 26:33
  SPEAKER_01: Ha! Ha! Would you ever hang out with a human being that did this?
• 26:39
  SPEAKER_01: Ever?
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_01: That was a really good meal.
• 26:45
  SPEAKER_00: I'm good.
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm good.
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_00: Wanna go see that movie?
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_00: I was thinking we should.
• 26:55
  SPEAKER_01: That's the healthy one.
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_01: The other one,$3,000.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_01: Find out it was a diabetic cat.
• 27:01
  SPEAKER_01: Three grand.
• 27:01
  SPEAKER_01: And when they bring it back, it's not a healthy cat.
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_01: It's still a diabetic cat.
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_01: We have to give it shots of insulin in its neck two times a day.
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_01: Put pills on the end of a stick, shove it down its throat, fire them in there.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_01: It's biting and peeing on us.
• 27:15
  SPEAKER_01: I wouldn't do this to keep my wife alive.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_01: I wouldn't.
• 27:22
  SPEAKER_01: I'd be like, baby, we had a good run.
• 27:23
  SPEAKER_01: We really didn't.
• 27:25
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want to remember you this way.
• 27:28
  SPEAKER_01: Get in the carrier, we're going for a ride.
• 27:35
  SPEAKER_01: Now the kids want a dog.
• 27:37
  SPEAKER_01: They want a dog in the worst way.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_01: They're not getting a dog.
• 27:39
  SPEAKER_01: I can't have one more thing in the house and think it's okay to go to the bathroom anywhere at once.
• 27:42
  SPEAKER_01: The kids do it, the cats do it, my wife does it.
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_01: I can't have it.
• 27:45
  SPEAKER_01: And when you're a kid and you run by it, you just go, you have to pick it up as the father.
• 27:49
  SPEAKER_01: I don't even use tissue anymore.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_01: I just grab it.
• 27:51
  SPEAKER_01: Is this anybody's?
• 27:53
  SPEAKER_01: Anyone forget to do something?
• 27:58
  SPEAKER_01: All sorry, because our neighbors got their kids a pit bull.
• 28:00
  SPEAKER_01: A pit bull.
• 28:01
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, dude, it's gonna eat your kids.
• 28:03
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, yeah, maybe.
• 28:06
  SPEAKER_01: Good point.
• 28:08
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, no, dude, they don't want to kill.
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_01: You have to train them to kill.
• 28:11
  SPEAKER_01: They don't want to kill.
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_01: No, it's a pit bull.
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_01: It's built to kill.
• 28:14
  SPEAKER_01: Its whole head is wall-to-wall teeth.
• 28:16
  SPEAKER_01: They didn't put the eyes in the right place.
• 28:18
  SPEAKER_01: They're just shoved in the back like an afterthought.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_01: It's like God was making it was like, well, everything gets eyes.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know why I made that.
• 28:30
  SPEAKER_01: Something shouldn't be pets, you know?
• 28:32
  SPEAKER_01: I had a college roommate, one of these jackasses, had a boa constrictor, 20-foot-long thing and a fish tank this big.
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_01: Thing was so pissed off every time you walk by, he'd try and bite you.
• 28:40
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, dude, you gotta be cool around it.
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_01: It can sense your fear.
• 28:44
  SPEAKER_01: Well, then get it the hell out of here.
• 28:47
  SPEAKER_01: Who senses fear?
• 28:48
  SPEAKER_01: The devil senses fear.
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_01: That's not a pet.
• 28:51
  SPEAKER_01: Get me a goldfish.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_01: That's a pet.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_01: Doesn't sense anything, just floats around like a dumb.
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_01: Big thing of fish hanging over its belly for weeks at a time.
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_01: Not dead.
• 29:11
  SPEAKER_01: Not dead.
• 29:12
  SPEAKER_01: I thought it was dead.
• 29:13
  SPEAKER_01: I'm okay.
• 29:15
  SPEAKER_01: I'm okay.
• 29:16
  SPEAKER_01: I'll keep it going.
• 29:20
  SPEAKER_01: But that's the whole key to life.
• 29:21
  SPEAKER_01: Find someone to love and drag them to the end with you.
• 29:24
  SPEAKER_01: That's it.
• 29:24
  SPEAKER_01: Don't make it more complicated than that.
• 29:26
  SPEAKER_01: Just find someone to love and drag them to the end with you.
• 29:29
  SPEAKER_01: That's it.
• 29:29
  SPEAKER_01: And you want to make your relationship last?
• 29:31
  SPEAKER_01: Lie.
• 29:32
  SPEAKER_01: Lie all the time.
• 29:34
  SPEAKER_01: Really?
• 29:34
  SPEAKER_01: Just lie.
• 29:35
  SPEAKER_01: You're a man and a woman together.
• 29:36
  SPEAKER_01: You don't want to do anything the other one wants to do, but don't be mean about it.
• 29:39
  SPEAKER_01: Don't tell them that.
• 29:39
  SPEAKER_01: Just lie.
• 29:40
  SPEAKER_01: You want to shop for candles with me tonight?
• 29:43
  SPEAKER_01: Sure.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_01: You want to hold up these drapes when I figure out the colors?
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 29:51
  SPEAKER_01: We were here in the city.
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_01: My wife wanted to go see a musical.
• 29:53
  SPEAKER_01: She knows I hate musicals.
• 29:55
  SPEAKER_01: Do you want to go see the drowsy chaperone tonight?
• 29:57
  SPEAKER_01: That'd be a fun date night, right?
• 29:59
  SPEAKER_01: It sure would.
• 30:02
  SPEAKER_01: I hate musicals.
• 30:03
  SPEAKER_01: But luckily, a friend of mine at the comedy cellar had given me a joint the night before.
• 30:06
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't smoke weed anymore, but I'm like, who throws out a joint?
• 30:09
  SPEAKER_01: Let me keep it in case of an emergency.
• 30:12
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, the drowsy chaperone, I think we have an emergency.
• 30:16
  SPEAKER_01: So I throw it in my pocket, I'm like, maybe I won't need it, you know?
• 30:19
  SPEAKER_01: But I get up there, and it's like all the posters are goofy.
• 30:21
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, ya na na, wa na na.
• 30:25
  SPEAKER_01: It's gonna suck.
• 30:27
  SPEAKER_01: So she goes and sits down.
• 30:29
  SPEAKER_01: I sneak into the men's room.
• 30:30
  SPEAKER_01: This is totally irresponsible.
• 30:31
  SPEAKER_01: A grown man.
• 30:32
  SPEAKER_01: I lock myself in the stall.
• 30:33
  SPEAKER_01: I smoke the whole thing.
• 30:35
  SPEAKER_01: Marijuana smoke, illegal marijuana smoke, just wafting out into a Broadway lobby.
• 30:41
  SPEAKER_01: But you have to understand something.
• 30:43
  SPEAKER_01: At the theater, I'm a white guy in a suit.
• 30:45
  SPEAKER_01: The worst anything can happen to me is some guy approaches, sir.
• 30:49
  SPEAKER_01: Do you smell that?
• 30:50
  SPEAKER_01: All I have to say?
• 30:52
  SPEAKER_01: Outrageous! I have a musical to see.
• 31:01
  SPEAKER_01: Where's the snack bar?
• 31:05
  SPEAKER_01: I need some sour patch kids.
• 31:08
  SPEAKER_01: So we went in and watched the whole stupid ass drowsy chaperone, loved it.
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_01: Highsaite loved every minute of it.
• 31:15
  SPEAKER_01: I was singing it the whole way home.
• 31:19
  SPEAKER_01: She was suspicious.
• 31:20
  SPEAKER_01: She said, You seem to like that a little too much.
• 31:21
  SPEAKER_01: Did you get high?
• 31:22
  SPEAKER_01: I looked her right in the eye.
• 31:24
  SPEAKER_01: I told her exactly what she wanted to hear.
• 31:25
  SPEAKER_01: I said, No, I didn't get high.
• 31:27
  SPEAKER_01: I was just happy being out with you.
• 31:29
  SPEAKER_01: She knew I was lying.
• 31:31
  SPEAKER_01: I knew I was lying.
• 31:32
  SPEAKER_01: But we went to bed happy.
• 31:33
  SPEAKER_01: That's the point.
• 31:34
  SPEAKER_01: It's the same as when she says, My love handles are cute.
• 31:36
  SPEAKER_01: They're not, they're creepy.
• 31:38
  SPEAKER_01: When I'm jogging down the beach and have two basset hound cheeks flapping over the side of my suit, she probably wants to throw up.
• 31:46
  SPEAKER_01: But she lies.
• 31:48
  SPEAKER_01: And guys, you win in the whole equation.
• 31:50
  SPEAKER_01: You win.
• 31:51
  SPEAKER_01: Just do it.
• 31:51
  SPEAKER_01: You win in the whole thing.
• 31:53
  SPEAKER_01: Women, you have to be with us.
• 31:54
  SPEAKER_01: You lose.
• 31:55
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sorry.
• 31:56
  SPEAKER_01: That's why we're with you in the first place.
• 31:58
  SPEAKER_01: We tried living with men ourselves.
• 32:00
  SPEAKER_01: It's awful.
• 32:01
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 32:01
  SPEAKER_01: You get out of school, I'm not getting married, I'm with my friends, it's gonna be great, we're gonna get a house.
• 32:05
  SPEAKER_01: These are your friends.
• 32:06
  SPEAKER_01: They steal your money, your booze, sleep with your women.
• 32:09
  SPEAKER_01: It's like living with pirates.
• 32:10
  SPEAKER_01: It's awful.
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_01: No one cleans anything ever.
• 32:15
  SPEAKER_01: The bathrooms are like a rain farce.
• 32:17
  SPEAKER_01: It's just hard towels and curly haired covered soap, and you think it's a bath mat.
• 32:22
  SPEAKER_01: It's just a bed of mushrooms.
• 32:25
  SPEAKER_01: Women are clean and soft and sexy.
• 32:27
  SPEAKER_01: Women get clean with body wash.
• 32:30
  SPEAKER_01: Body wash and a loofah.
• 32:33
  SPEAKER_01: You can't clean a man with body wash, a horrible man.
• 32:36
  SPEAKER_01: We need a big brick of soap.
• 32:38
  SPEAKER_01: Hopefully with pieces of rock in it.
• 32:40
  SPEAKER_01: All mole covered and hairy and and not even hair like a nice bear either.
• 32:44
  SPEAKER_01: We're like a sick bear from Chernobyl.
• 32:48
  SPEAKER_01: All splotchy, bald spots, little twizzlers poking out of your nipples for no reason.
• 32:53
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know how you women let us climb all over you.
• 32:56
  SPEAKER_01: I really don't.
• 32:57
  SPEAKER_01: I would be a lesbian for sure.
• 33:01
  SPEAKER_01: I am a friend he only has hair from his waist down.
• 33:04
  SPEAKER_01: Up here, he's like the Pillsbury Doughboy.
• 33:06
  SPEAKER_01: Down here, he's like half goat, half man.
• 33:12
  SPEAKER_01: Walking on the beach.
• 33:13
  SPEAKER_01: Why is everyone looking at me?
• 33:15
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know, Pam.
• 33:16
  SPEAKER_01: They're probably following your hoof marks down to the ocean's edge.
• 33:20
  SPEAKER_01: Why don't you put down your flute for a minute?