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April 24 – Learning Healthy Love · The Daily Ripples Podcast

• 0:02
  Hey, everybody. This is Corey and Pastor Mike, and today is April 24th. Learning healthy love.
• 0:11
  The stone. Loneliness often drives us to unhealthy patterns. We may try to control others or depend
• 0:18
  on them too heavily, hoping they will find the emptiness within. Ripple one practical. Today,
• 0:25
  I will treat myself with honesty and respect.
• 0:28
  Instead of seeking security with domination or dependence,
• 0:32
  I will practice healthy boundaries and self-awareness.
• 0:35
  Caring for my own soul allows me to relate to others more freely.
• 0:42
  Ripple too spiritual.
• 0:43
  As I receive the Father's love and follow the example of Christ,
• 0:48
  the Holy Spirit restores a healthier sense of identity.
• 0:52
  I begin to see myself as someone created and valued by God.
• 0:57
  From that place of security, genuine love for others can grow.
• 1:04
  Ooh, that was a lot for me when I was reading it, buddy.
• 1:07
  Just then, I mean, I've already, you know, I try to do my homework every time.
• 1:12
  Right.
• 1:15
  But, you know, loneliness drives unhealthy patterns.
• 1:17
  Why did I probably start drinking at the age of 13?
• 1:20
  because I had a, I had a, well, I probably did it because I thought it was cool.
• 1:27
  Yeah.
• 1:28
  But it, you know, it just stayed.
• 1:30
  Like, you know, there wasn't no, like, saying bye to it after I did it.
• 1:36
  But, you know, loneliness, you know, that went away.
• 1:42
  All that went away.
• 1:43
  And I think when I come broken and I come around other broken people, I mean, it says it on page 17 in the big book.
• 1:56
  It says, the feeling of having shared and common peril is the one element of the powerful cement which binds us.
• 2:04
  And that's common problem, common peril, common problem.
• 2:07
  But that in itself would never have held us together for we are now joined.
• 2:11
  The tremendous fact for every one of us that we've discovered a common solution.
• 2:16
  We have found a way out which we can absolutely agree and upon which we can join in brotherly
• 2:21
  and harmonious action.
• 2:23
  This is the great news this book carries to those who suffer from alcoholism.
• 2:28
  And so I come into these rooms and man, nobody looked at me bad.
• 2:33
  Nobody like even judged me.
• 2:35
  And they were just happy to see me and they pulled a chair open for me too.
• 2:39
  And I was scared to death.
• 2:41
  And I saw these people and, you know, that's what I needed at the time.
• 2:45
  And we kind of talked about this on the last one, though.
• 2:51
  Because I got bigger problems than human problems.
• 2:56
  And me going to have, like, you know, we've heard it for years.
• 3:01
  I mean, you've heard it for years and I've heard it for years.
• 3:04
  People are like, 90 meetings are 90 days.
• 3:07
  Meeting makers make it.
• 3:08
  And, but what if I'm in a position, because what if I'm in a position where I can't go to a meeting?
• 3:14
  Am I not going to make it?
• 3:15
  So, I found that loneliness, it was first within those rooms, because I found that common problem, and I still found that common problem.
• 3:26
  But I have a different reason for being there.
• 3:29
  But, you know, I found more of a relationship with God today.
• 3:34
  And that right there brings on so many other relationships that I can't describe.
• 3:41
  I mean, even me and you, right?
• 3:43
  Yeah.
• 3:43
  You know, but I found that I couldn't rely on humans.
• 3:50
  And because I had such a big thing, it says right here, we may try to control others or depend on them too heavily.
• 3:58
  Well, you know, I depend on people.
• 4:01
  They let me down, whatever happens.
• 4:03
  But, you know, I come into a place and, you know, I think what you're kind of pointing at that was we go to acceptance.
• 4:10
  But I don't know, you know, because I come to this place of like, you know, people have given me tolerance, patience, and pity.
• 4:18
  And so, you know, they've done that to me.
• 4:20
  And I should be able to do that to them on little issues.
• 4:23
  But I don't know.
• 4:25
  I've got more thoughts, but I'm just rambling for a second.
• 4:27
  No, you're all good.
• 4:28
  I mean, on this one, when I think of the stone at the beginning of it, you know, about the loneliness driving us to unhealthy patterns,
• 4:35
  and then we try to control others or depend on them and filling the emptiness within.
• 4:39
  It reminds me of there was a Memphis-based longtime gentleman who was in recovery in the Memphis area,
• 4:48
  and he was also a United Methodist pastor, and I've talked about him in meetings a few times.
• 4:53
  But he has died at this point, so it's okay to use his name, but his name was John Kilzer.
• 5:00
  And I don't know if you had ever heard his name or not, but he was involved with a lot
• 5:05
  of things around town.
• 5:07
  And one of the things that he would always say, and again, I'm sure he got it from somebody
• 5:10
  else and I got it from him, and that's just how it works, but he would always say that
• 5:14
  we're all born with a God-sized hole in our hearts, and we try to fill it with everything
• 5:20
  but God.
• 5:21
  And, you know, we try to feel it because of that, you know, loneliness, that emptiness that we have, you know, inside at times.
• 5:28
  And, you know, for me, you know, I didn't feel lonely or empty, you know, when I, for me, it wasn't at 13.
• 5:35
  It was when I got to college and the first time that I drank and bought a, you know, fifth of Jack Daniels and drank the whole thing in one night.
• 5:42
  You know, normal people don't do that first time they ever drink.
• 5:45
  Right.
• 5:46
  But, but, but there I was, you know.
• 5:49
  And so that, you know, all of a sudden gave me the liquid courage and confidence, as it were, to be more social and therefore not be as lonely.
• 5:59
  And then, you know, throughout, you know, early adulthood, you know, phases of my life, even beyond the age where you are now, you know, I would try to fill that loneliness, that emptiness within by relationships with, you know, a wife or a girlfriend or, you know, things of that nature.
• 6:15
  And it wasn't until kind of as I was talking about, you know, yesterday and on yesterday's episode when I got to that rock bottom where I had to do something about that loneliness and that emptiness.
• 6:27
  Because at the time that I was at rock bottom, man, I was in an apartment living by myself, you know, a couple of nights a week.
• 6:33
  I had my daughters there with me.
• 6:35
  But otherwise, it was just, you know, it was just isolated.
• 6:37
  You know, I had left the marriage that I was in.
• 6:40
  It was falling apart.
• 6:42
  And, you know, I'm sitting there and I'm just drinking everything away.
• 6:45
  and but that did nothing you know I'd wake up the next day and I would not feel any less lonely or
• 6:53
  in despair in fact you know I'd probably feel even worse and it wasn't until that
• 7:02
  my perspective of love had to change because for me you know love at that time in my life was about
• 7:09
  you know, I can love people or I feel love when I'm getting, you know, affirmation. I feel love
• 7:16
  when I'm getting a compliment. I feel love when I'm getting attention, you know, from a woman or
• 7:20
  what have you, you know, things of that nature. But those are all just such surface level of what
• 7:25
  love truly is. I mean, because love is more akin to, or the type of love that I aspire to today is
• 7:32
  more that agape love, you know, that Jesus modeled, you know, which is the emptying of myself
• 7:39
  in service to others. And, you know, whenever I'm approaching love from that perspective,
• 7:46
  you know, it's right in line with, you know, the recovery, you know, kind of the service
• 7:51
  leg of the recovery table, as well as, you know, we learned a lot of it in our faith, you know,
• 7:56
  in 1 John 4 and 19, you know, it says that we love because God first loved us. And it wasn't
• 8:02
  until I truly learned to recognize, see, and believe in God's love of me, that I was able to
• 8:10
  turn that around and show true and genuine love to anybody else. And that's just, you know, from the
• 8:18
  stone. And, you know, because of that, you know, it says today, you know, that practical step,
• 8:22
  treat myself with honesty and respect. You know, there are days when, honestly speaking, I just
• 8:28
  want to be left alone, you know, and then there are days when I don't need to be left alone and I need
• 8:33
  to be of service. But even on the days when I want to be left alone, if somebody reaches out with a
• 8:38
  hand of need, I've grown enough into that self-sacrificial love to be able to pick up the phone
• 8:44
  without an attitude, without a tone, and just say, you know, hey, Corey, what you need today, or how
• 8:52
  are you doing, you know, or things of that nature. So that's more the healthy love, you know, that's
• 8:57
  kind of come about through working steps and through the work that, honestly, the work
• 9:02
  that God, you know, does in me as I try to faithfully be of service to others.
• 9:07
  Yeah.
• 9:09
  I'm glad you brought it back around right there because that's the, you know, I was going to
• 9:14
  talk a little bit about that.
• 9:16
  Man, if you'd heard me talk, you know, seven, eight years ago in different settings around
• 9:24
  the recovery rooms, one of my biggest things I would probably come out of my mouth at that
• 9:30
  time was I would talk about balance.
• 9:35
  And, you know, I'd be like, you know, I've just, you know, been working on balance and
• 9:39
  this, this.
• 9:40
  And, you know, I think about that as manage, managing.
• 9:44
  And, you know, you brought it back home to that, right?
• 9:47
  Because, like, I don't know how to live.
• 9:49
  And then when I started trying to manage some times and I'm like, well, you know, I'll set
• 9:53
  aside this time for this and this for this and this.
• 9:56
  You know, what's been really interesting to me, and I, man, I found a Bible verse earlier
• 10:02
  and, you know, you might be able to, we might come up here later, but when I've given myself
• 10:10
  just completely to this, to the service of others, for some reason, every little aspect
• 10:16
  of my life has worked out.
• 10:19
  When I try to, you know, I was telling you, I've been doing this two-way prayer thing.
• 10:26
  And I've been trying it out.
• 10:27
  And, you know, it's kind of just me bringing God onto the piece of paper and kind of in the middle of meditation, kind of writing out what God would have me do and be.
• 10:40
  And just thoughts I've been putting them on.
• 10:41
  And, you know, I found that I need to do more.
• 10:47
  And that's just, you know, I've just been starting it.
• 10:50
  And I've been, you know, I've done different things,
• 10:52
  and I know not to drift into morbid reflection,
• 10:54
  but, you know, I'm the most used with another man
• 11:00
  with this big book of Alcoholics Anonymous,
• 11:03
  just one-on-one talking with him.
• 11:05
  I do very well in those situations,
• 11:08
  sitting down explaining how the big book is laid out.
• 11:12
  And, you know, I mean, I've got a couple guys,
• 11:14
  but I'm not just in-depth like I need to be.
• 11:17
  And I'm right where I'm supposed to be, but I think I need to push a little bit further with that.
• 11:22
  But, I mean, when I give freely and I'm open to doing that, I'm not holding anything back, you know, I get those benefits today.
• 11:30
  And I'm not getting not getting the benefits today, but I'm, you know, I'm obviously, you know, but, you know, when I live here in this place, I want to give it to other people.
• 11:41
  That's the biggest thing.
• 11:42
  and I kind of put a question mark.
• 11:47
  So it says, caring for my own soul
• 11:50
  allows me to relate to others more freely.
• 11:56
  Man, my soul doesn't matter anymore.
• 12:00
  I mean, it does to a degree,
• 12:02
  but I found that like,
• 12:05
  man, like I did all these different things.
• 12:07
  Like these people told me to do the steps
• 12:09
  and do this and do that and do this.
• 12:12
  And I thought it was just so I could be a better person, Michael.
• 12:16
  But then I found it was not for me at all.
• 12:20
  It was to help other people.
• 12:23
  Right.
• 12:25
  Well, but it does help you along the way,
• 12:27
  and it does give your soul fulfillment along the way.
• 12:32
  But I think what you're getting at is the relinquishing of the control, right?
• 12:36
  Because I can't control something as elusive as my soul, but if I'm faithful in doing what I'm supposed to do, I have faith and trust that God's taking care of the soul work for me.
• 12:48
  Yeah, yeah.
• 12:50
  So God takes care of me if I take care of others.
• 12:54
  Right.
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  And never the other way around.
• 12:58
  Yeah, if I'm taking care of me, right, exactly.
• 13:01
  If I'm only worried about me, I get in all kinds of trouble.
• 13:04
  Yeah, I think about, too, you know, as you were talking about that, a verse came to mind, which is 1 Corinthians 15 and the 58th verse, the last verse of that, says,
• 13:14
  Therefore, my beloved, be steadfast and movable, always excelling in the work of the Lord, because you know that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.
• 13:23
  So it's that that's that encouragement that we get, you know, from Scripture as well to keep doing the work, you know,
• 13:29
  even if it doesn't seem like there's results or rewards right away,
• 13:34
  that, you know, our labor is not in vain.
• 13:38
  And we see the fruits being born both in ourselves and in those around us.
• 13:42
  Yeah.
• 13:43
  I'm going to close this one up, buddy.
• 13:46
  Absolutely.
• 13:47
  Prayer.
• 13:48
  Father, help me receive the love you have for me.
• 13:51
  Through your Spirit, heal what is broken within,
• 13:55
  and teach me to love others with the grace shown through your Son.
• 13:59
  Amen.
• 14:03
  You know, you got some really good prayers in here, Michael.
• 14:06
  Thank you.
• 14:06
  And, but what I'm saying is like,
• 14:10
  some of these prayers I really want to break down into this,
• 14:13
  but I'm not allowed to, I feel like.
• 14:15
  So anyways.
• 14:17
  We can, you know,
• 14:18
  that can be something that can be done differently, you know.
• 14:22
  Maybe on one of these, you know,
• 14:23
  if you're led on one of those to do that,
• 14:26
  maybe we have the prayer and then say,
• 14:28
  well, we're going to have this prayer
• 14:28
  and then we're going to talk about aspects of the prayer.
• 14:31
  Because I have, I mean, that's one of the things that I've had fairly consistent feedback,
• 14:36
  especially from my wife.
• 14:37
  She always likes the prayers at the end.
• 14:40
  So, yeah, that might help.