Latest / SAY GRACE | Weight Loss + Health for Overwhelmed Women- Stress, Busy, Consistency, Realistic, Motivation, Starting Over, No Restrictions / Illness, pregnancy, trust- How my life has changed in a year, with guest: my husband, Jess

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Illness, pregnancy, trust- How my life has changed in a year, with guest: my husband, Jess · SAY GRACE | Weight Loss + Health for Overwhelmed Women- Stress, Busy, Consistency, Realistic, Motivation, Starting Over, No Restrictions

• 0:39
  Welcome back, y'all. Okay, there have been a lot of changes around here lately.
• 0:45
  And if you haven't seen my social media posts, I'm pregnant.
• 0:50
  Also, I know if you've been listening this year, you've picked up on the little
• 0:53
  bit of information I've given here and there about my health and the importance
• 0:58
  I have put on rest and finding peace in 2025.
• 1:01
  So it is finally time. I am finally ready to talk about all that I have been
• 1:06
  through over the past year or and share the lessons I've learned along the way.
• 1:10
  And to do that most effectively, I have a very special guest today,
• 1:15
  the man with the front row seat and the one y'all love the most,
• 1:19
  my husband, Jess. Welcome, husband.
• 1:22
  Happy to be here. He just even sitting here, I'm like, you're the worst podcast
• 1:27
  guest ever. He's just such a little boy.
• 1:32
  I'm so happy to have you. I'm so happy. to your mind. I'm so close to this microphone.
• 1:40
  You're not as loud as I am. No, I'm not. It's a major contrast. Okay.
• 1:48
  I invited Jess here. I really just feel like, too, I don't know,
• 1:52
  when you were reading the notes, did you feel like, was there anything new to
• 1:58
  you or like, I don't know, anything you felt kind of like, oh, okay.
• 2:02
  Because I kind of gave him a rundown in the notes before we hopped on here.
• 2:06
  No, I wouldn't say new. There's just a lot here.
• 2:11
  There's a lot of stuff.
• 2:14
  Well, I've been, you know, I've been saving this episode until truly,
• 2:19
  until I was comfortable with it. Right.
• 2:20
  And like, as you'll, as our listeners will hear, like, there are seasons,
• 2:26
  even recent seasons where like, I really wasn't comfortable talking about it yet.
• 2:29
  And I think even talking about it now doesn't mean that like next week,
• 2:33
  everything could change, you know, for our situation.
• 2:37
  But I do just have this conviction, you know, because nothing is ever beautifully wrapped in a bow.
• 2:43
  Like nobody's, you know, there's never a happily ever after fully until,
• 2:48
  you know, you're with Jesus.
• 2:49
  So I do just have this conviction to really, you know, I think God's worked
• 2:53
  really powerfully in our lives,
• 2:56
  even though it's kind of felt like a wrestle over the past few years.
• 2:59
  And I think it's important to share it. Yeah, absolutely.
• 3:03
  So I'm just going to start and then I think I'm just going to interrupt and
• 3:08
  ask you your opinion on things, which is your favorite thing to do. I love that.
• 3:12
  He wants to be put on the spot to share his emotions.
• 3:17
  It's going to a great place. Okay, but I do think a lot of this,
• 3:20
  I think, I do think, speaking of wrapping it in a bow, I do think a lot of this will be.
• 3:24
  I think you guys have heard a lot from me just over this entire year.
• 3:28
  Like my underlying theme has been peace and rest and letting things go and priorities
• 3:35
  and, you know, that kind of thing.
• 3:36
  Because at this point last year, like almost to the day,
• 3:41
  right, was when I had hit my peak of just like I had been tricking myself into
• 3:46
  thinking that I was doing something for my rest and for my health and whatever.
• 3:51
  But that was maybe externally.
• 3:52
  Like I tell this to my clients all the time. I'm like, what are we doing for
• 3:56
  rest? I'm like, oh, I got a nail appointment at the end of this week.
• 4:00
  I try to take a bath at night.
• 4:01
  And I'm like, OK, are you scrolling your phone in the bathtub?
• 4:04
  You know, like and that's that is my that was my behavior up until this point.
• 4:08
  I was like, quote, resting because I knew that was good for me.
• 4:13
  But I wasn't like there was nothing internally about me that felt rested.
• 4:17
  You weren't fully rested.
• 4:19
  I wasn't fully rested. I was still reeling on the inside with like thoughts
• 4:22
  and to do's and just distractions.
• 4:26
  And so I think there's there is no it's no secret here.
• 4:32
  And it's definitely no secret in my marriage that anxiety is my thorn.
• 4:37
  Right. He's laughing because like it is it is my absolute thorn. And I hate it so much.
• 4:43
  But can you just tell the people it runs in the fam? Oh, my gosh. Yes.
• 4:49
  And I'm not laughing. You're just cute.
• 4:52
  But it is like it's a hard thing to deal with because I don't understand it.
• 4:57
  I don't comprehend it. It's not something that have.
• 5:00
  And so it's kind of it's very frustrating to like to watch it,
• 5:05
  you know, and not be able to and not be and know that you, you know,
• 5:10
  know otherwise or differently.
• 5:11
  But like still see it like kind of play out
• 5:14
  it's it's tough to watch so it's almost like i go into a bubble
• 5:17
  like i'll just be like i will and then i'll come out of it and be like god's
• 5:21
  got it and you're probably like whiplash right he had it the whole time yeah
• 5:25
  yeah so and well and i think i've told so many people this but i really think
• 5:30
  i mean obviously i loved you and i wanted to marry you when we were 24 years
• 5:34
  old or you know right or really when we were 16 years old but like,
• 5:38
  I did not realize what a blessing it would be to marry into your family because
• 5:43
  they are quite the opposite of me like you're the opposite of me and sometimes
• 5:46
  that was frustrating before like at first I thought you didn't care when you
• 5:50
  wouldn't share the same level of anxiety that I did about things,
• 5:54
  and now it's just been so apparent to me over the years as I have worked on
• 5:58
  my own anxiety that like no no no no you and your mom and your dad and your
• 6:02
  sisters y'all just believe like the Lord's going to work it out.
• 6:05
  And so there's truly no reason to sit here and stew over and analyze it and
• 6:09
  try to manipulate it and try to control it.
• 6:11
  And so it's been eye-opening to have a family like that in my life that...
• 6:18
  Does just kind of release it all you know and just
• 6:21
  trust that it's it's going to be what it's going to be and even
• 6:24
  we're going to talk about this later but like even with our pregnancy you know
• 6:26
  like I don't know either you know and we will get into this but neither one
• 6:31
  of us were really just like gung-ho you know but then when it happened when
• 6:35
  we were when we were pregnant like you were like yeah this is gonna be great
• 6:39
  and I'm like what last month you were like oh no.
• 6:47
  So anyway okay so not being said i think that internal anxiety is really just like a big a,
• 6:55
  I don't mean to harp on it, but like I see it in so many people.
• 6:59
  So many women listening are like struggling with the same thing that I'm describing here.
• 7:04
  Like I'm not talking about I'm scared to get in a car because of a car accident
• 7:08
  or I'm panicked all day about like a shooter in Walmart.
• 7:12
  Those are not the things that I'm talking about just like low bubble,
• 7:16
  constant, little nagging things that just work away internally.
• 7:22
  And so I see that in so many people just in their day to day,
• 7:26
  with their kids, with their job, with their husband.
• 7:29
  And so I think it's just really important to kind of distinguish that before
• 7:33
  we get started here. And so I am a business owner, obviously.
• 7:36
  Hello, we are here. Okay. And so I think that had a lot to do, it has a lot to do with it.
• 7:42
  And it's like, I've told just before, if I can't get this under control,
• 7:45
  then I have to give up the business. And I've seen, I've seen people do that.
• 7:49
  Influencers, you know, people who own their own small business,
• 7:53
  like they can't handle the pressure that they put on themselves.
• 7:56
  It's not even external pressure.
• 7:58
  It's internal pressure. They
• 7:59
  can't go to sleep at night without obsessing and thinking and whatever.
• 8:03
  And so that's been a thing for me. If I can't let it go, then I can't keep doing
• 8:06
  this. And we, I mean, that is something we still are very much in prayer about.
• 8:11
  And so anyway, all that to say, I think around 2024, It caught up to me.
• 8:17
  We had been in the house for a few years.
• 8:20
  I'm really trying to like when I think about this, I try to think back like
• 8:24
  what else what else was 2024?
• 8:27
  I feel like our marriage was great. I feel like we were traveling.
• 8:30
  You know, like I don't know why why 2024 was it for me other than my body was
• 8:35
  just like, listen, sis, we've had enough, you know.
• 8:38
  Yeah, I mean, I'm trying to think also. I don't know that there was anything
• 8:43
  just like earth shattering that 2024 held.
• 8:46
  I think in 2021 and 22, when we were building this house and you were traveling
• 8:52
  a lot while we were building this house.
• 8:55
  And if anyone has ever built a house, you know, there's like financial stressors
• 8:59
  that come alongside that. And we were building a house post-COVID.
• 9:02
  So it would be like, oh, lumber's up.
• 9:04
  Oh, lumber's up again. Oh, it's time for you to pay. And lumber went up again.
• 9:08
  You know, like we just it was so blindsiding, you know, so that I mean,
• 9:13
  I know that year, that time had a lot on me and we had a toddler, you know. Yeah.
• 9:19
  And so that put a lot on me. But like and I think maybe it was just we got here,
• 9:23
  we got to the house in what, 2022.
• 9:25
  Yeah. And I just I never came out of that mode, that fight or flight mode.
• 9:29
  Yeah. I think, yeah, we moved in the day before Halloween 2022.
• 9:34
  Right. Yes. And so, I mean, we spent most of 23, like, getting settled and,
• 9:41
  like, buying things for the house and getting things finished and all that kind
• 9:45
  of stuff. And then we woke up in 2024 and realized...
• 9:48
  Oh, we're here. Yeah, we're here. And also, like...
• 9:52
  This is kind of done what what next or
• 9:56
  like you know what's what's next on the the agenda
• 9:59
  or what's on our plates to do or accomplish or
• 10:02
  whatever and so it was just like like you mentioned we started in 21 building
• 10:07
  the house 22 and then we got here and 23 took a while to get everything settled
• 10:12
  and all that kind of stuff and then 24 hit and we were just like okay time to
• 10:16
  recover from all that right yeah and maybe my body was like okay we can breathe i don't know
• 10:21
  And two, there was when we moved in also, it was like I looked up and realized,
• 10:26
  oh, crap, I've neglected the business for over a year.
• 10:29
  You know, it was still running, obviously. And we still we had great things
• 10:32
  in place. But like your focus was.
• 10:35
  In the entrepreneur world, if you're not growing, you're dying.
• 10:37
  And I mean, you know, that's like that.
• 10:39
  I had not been able to focus because any. Oh, my gosh.
• 10:43
  Any down minute I was being called to the land or had to go to a meeting or
• 10:48
  you were out of town and Glory was sick or, you know, like it was just it was. always something.
• 10:52
  So anyway, anyway, so 2024 was wild.
• 10:56
  I feel like prior to that, I had gotten the stomach bug multiple times.
• 11:00
  Like none of y'all would get it and I would get it. Like I would just be sick just randomly.
• 11:04
  And then in 2024, throughout the year, I would have, I had strep.
• 11:10
  I diagnosed strep four times, but that fifth time I thought I had strep. Yeah.
• 11:15
  And that was kind of where it all came to head. Like, I had an appointment with NENT.
• 11:19
  I was getting ready to get my tonsils taken out.
• 11:23
  Like, because it would take me out for weeks at a time. Like,
• 11:27
  how often was I working in the bed in 2024?
• 11:30
  Quite often. Which is ridiculous to think about. Like, I wasn't even recovering.
• 11:33
  I was just laid up in the bed still trying to work.
• 11:35
  You know, that just goes to show, like, the problem. problems.
• 11:41
  And even like my sister had had a baby and she had another one in daycare.
• 11:46
  And I was like so scared to even be around them because I just knew I was going to get sick.
• 11:51
  Like if I would breathe their air, I was fearful of getting sick.
• 11:53
  I was fearful of going to the grocery store and touching the buggies.
• 11:57
  You know, I was fearful of the kids getting something at school and bringing
• 12:00
  it home, even though no one in the house ever got sick but me. Ever, right? Yeah.
• 12:06
  Never. throughout the whole year, I was always the one getting sick. No one else was.
• 12:12
  And I don't know. So it was just, it was a wild time.
• 12:16
  And I was really like, by the end of it, I was really upset that I was thinking
• 12:20
  something was wrong with me.
• 12:21
  Like I was like, I can't, my nerve, like something is wrong with my immune system.
• 12:25
  Like I, you know, maybe I have a disorder or whatever.
• 12:29
  Like I need to figure this out you know and so
• 12:33
  then also I
• 12:35
  think what brought it to the head was this time last year I went into normal
• 12:40
  holiday constants mode I'm gonna let you describe for the people I don't know
• 12:47
  if I can yeah go ahead I can't I can't get closer to the mic I can't I can't
• 12:53
  Describe that. Yes, you can.
• 12:54
  Yes, you can. On a public platform for all ears.
• 12:58
  This is me from...
• 13:00
  20, 20, 15, 20, when did we get married? 2011.
• 13:05
  Yeah. What do you mean? Just like the excessiveness? Like the.
• 13:08
  Any, you just feel free. Just.
• 13:11
  This is a danger zone. I don't know if I should say anything here.
• 13:16
  I mean, it's, there's just a, I was going to say there is, there's definitely
• 13:21
  like downsides to like the way me and my family are.
• 13:24
  And this is, in my opinion, kind of one of them
• 13:26
  is like whenever the holidays come around or whatever or
• 13:30
  even birthdays or whatever like we love each other
• 13:33
  and we love you know spending time together but like it's
• 13:36
  most likely the last minute gift card so what the
• 13:39
  gifts are like what what comes to mind
• 13:42
  because we want you to go buy whatever you want you
• 13:45
  know we want you to you know you go decide what you you
• 13:48
  need not us but your family is very different
• 13:51
  and and y'all go all out and
• 13:54
  you're gonna buy all the stuff for all the people and then
• 13:57
  you're gonna make all the stuff for all the people and have
• 14:01
  double of that and so there's just
• 14:04
  like there's a lot that goes into that a
• 14:07
  lot of a lot of the brain space a lot yeah a lot but yeah it's just like and
• 14:14
  every time you kind of like fight it the past two years you have anyway and
• 14:18
  I think you've done a much better job of like establishing this is I'm doing
• 14:22
  this yeah I'm making this list whenever this list is done,
• 14:26
  something might pop on it again, but like you're not going to go ridiculous levels.
• 14:32
  But yeah, there was like no end to it. There was no stopping.
• 14:36
  Like if this thing came up or that thing came up, we got to go buy a gift for
• 14:40
  that. It's got to be very thought out.
• 14:43
  It's got to be very, you know, intentional, very intentional and very tailored
• 14:49
  to whatever that specific thing or person is.
• 14:52
  And it's just like that. You can't do that for.
• 14:55
  We have a lot. 50 people.
• 14:57
  Yeah, we have a lot of people to buy for at Christmas time.
• 15:01
  And I mean, I'm sitting here talking like I could help. Right.
• 15:08
  All the women fell out. Everybody's like, whoo!
• 15:11
  I mean where's my husband i ain't like a listen to
• 15:14
  this podcast i mean but at the same time
• 15:16
  it's like i don't like i just described my
• 15:19
  family and the way we think about it like i want to
• 15:22
  get you something but it's going to be like a gift card
• 15:25
  or something that like i know for a fact you're going
• 15:27
  to be able to go and pick your thing that you want or whatever that's not
• 15:31
  very special and like i've i've come to like
• 15:34
  i used to think that like oh yeah this is great you
• 15:37
  go buy what you want or they go they can figure out
• 15:39
  whatever but it's not very thought it
• 15:42
  doesn't take much thought yeah he said the other day he
• 15:45
  said you know i'm just disappointed in the way we do christmas lately
• 15:48
  because like we between talking about me and him because you know back when
• 15:53
  we were in our early 30s late 20s or whatever like there were things we really
• 15:57
  wanted and needed and needed and like we couldn't just necessarily you know
• 16:02
  go out and buy them that day you know and now we've just gotten into that habit
• 16:06
  where whatever we have or need, we already...
• 16:08
  Oh, and also, I don't want things like a Louis Vuitton bag anymore or diamond earrings anymore.
• 16:14
  You don't want, you know, a really fancy watch. Like, our...
• 16:17
  We have realized what really matters, you know, a little bit more in life and, like.
• 16:23
  Automatically takes the focus off of the material
• 16:26
  things as much and so he's like I mean
• 16:28
  that's all great but like Christmas morning kind
• 16:32
  of sucks for us you sent
• 16:35
  me a list I sent you a list we bought the things on the list yeah so anyway
• 16:41
  but I think it you're right I mean but I have I have taken from your parent
• 16:47
  like from your family again like I have taken that if the gift is a gift card
• 16:52
  it doesn't mean you don't love me.
• 16:54
  Like, you know what I mean? Like with my family, truly, I would feel like if
• 16:58
  this isn't the best gift ever given, then...
• 17:02
  It's, you know, disappointing someone like it's a disappointment.
• 17:05
  And so I don't know where that came from.
• 17:07
  It's not like I don't it's not like my family really. I don't know.
• 17:09
  I don't know where that came from.
• 17:11
  Yeah, I don't know. But I mean, it definitely adds to the stress.
• 17:13
  If you think about that, like the expectation is this is the best gift I've ever been given.
• 17:18
  The person who's buying that gift is stress is encompassing stress to like search for that thing.
• 17:26
  And again, you all do it times five. Yes. And then I was doing it with our kids, too.
• 17:30
  Right. When I was buying for the kids, I'm like, it has to be, you know, exactly so.
• 17:34
  And, you know, I feel like the kids need a million presents on Christmas morning.
• 17:37
  And Jess is like, we're cool with three. You know what I mean?
• 17:42
  We're very different in that aspect. And so and then also, I think early in
• 17:48
  and I think you mentioned understanding this a little bit more after my mom
• 17:52
  died, after hearing the like everybody talk about her at the funeral.
• 17:56
  But like when we first got married, I felt such a need to like bake and bake well.
• 18:04
  And up until that point, I was not just like out here baking well all the time, you know.
• 18:09
  And so it took me a long time to get comfortable in the kitchen,
• 18:12
  comfortable with cooking things outside my comfort zone, comfortable with baking
• 18:16
  any and everything that I felt like. And I would always pick.
• 18:19
  Remember the cheesecake, that white chocolate brandy cheesecake?
• 18:22
  Like that was one of the first things I tried to bake. And cheesecake is freaking hard.
• 18:26
  I mean, you know, we just ate raw cheesecake probably like how many times? So many.
• 18:31
  Yes. But so but that was just how my family rolled.
• 18:35
  Like we baked and that equaled love. And I love that.
• 18:39
  And I still do. And you know that anybody that follows me knows that I'm always baking crap, you know.
• 18:44
  And so it just around the holidays, you went to when you went through that time
• 18:49
  of like being in the office and being a manager and, you know,
• 18:54
  Having people that were really looking up to you now, his co-workers or,
• 18:58
  all over the country. So we don't really have that scene anymore.
• 19:01
  But I felt obligated to be that little homemaker wife that sent the goodies
• 19:07
  to the, you know, office and, you know, made it all perfectly wrapped and so cute.
• 19:14
  And like, what would happen though is like, I felt I wanted to do it internally.
• 19:19
  Like I wanted to do that. I wanted to show up for these people and like do something
• 19:23
  kind but then I also had like a full-time job and an infant right and so I would
• 19:29
  stress myself out and then turn it around on you like you know I'm doing all this for you and,
• 19:36
  it's great time.
• 19:41
  Okay but I again I know y'all were harping on this but like if I could just
• 19:45
  tell y'all like they're okay and you don't say this your algorithm is not this
• 19:49
  way but like It is such a trend around this time where women are like the husband
• 19:54
  when he wakes up on Christmas morning,
• 19:57
  it's like him holding his coffee, like looking around freaking clueless,
• 20:00
  like has no idea how the magic happened, but is so happy it's happening.
• 20:04
  You know, and it's funny, you know, but is it funny?
• 20:08
  Like if you're going to bed at night as the wife and you're like resenting the
• 20:12
  hell out of your husband, like it's not funny.
• 20:14
  You know what I mean? And I think we went through a lot of years of that.
• 20:18
  And so, anyway, I think that was me this time last year. Yeah.
• 20:23
  I was like, you don't understand, and I've got to do blah, blah, blah.
• 20:26
  And, you know, it was just bat on top of everything else that I had.
• 20:33
  You know, I felt like I was still weak from, I mean, my God,
• 20:35
  we had gotten back from Disney World and I got strep.
• 20:38
  And, you know, I just still felt like I was sick nonstop.
• 20:43
  Yeah. And then also I was overwhelmed. And so it just hit the fan.
• 20:49
  It did it hit the fan so i went and saw a different doctor and i think this
• 20:56
  is not really my intention here
• 20:58
  but like y'all if you continue to get sick please don't keep going to like,
• 21:03
  you know the corner doctor's office that you know the mea the.
• 21:10
  The mea or like i mean i don't know your mea may be great i don't i don't know
• 21:13
  i don't want a name call, but like doctor's offices that don't really know you,
• 21:18
  that aren't really keeping track
• 21:19
  of you, that are just giving you cold medicine or giving you, you know,
• 21:23
  antibiotics over and over anytime you walk in, because, you know, that was me.
• 21:26
  I just kept going to the same little clinic and it was, they're really meant
• 21:29
  to treat colds and that's it, you know?
• 21:32
  So we went to, I went to a different doctor.
• 21:36
  Mainly because I needed him to run a few tests for so that I could get in for
• 21:40
  an ENT appointment and to prove it was some kind of strep this time.
• 21:45
  I don't know. I don't know. I don't even remember.
• 21:47
  So I went in and it was a friend's husband.
• 21:51
  And he was like he ran all the tests. He ran me for strep flu, COVID.
• 21:55
  He ran all of it. And it all came back negative. And I was feeling horrible.
• 22:00
  You know, we went to your niece's dance competition on Friday.
• 22:04
  And remember last like last time last
• 22:07
  year at that competition i mean i thought i was going to quite
• 22:10
  literally die yeah in there watching it like i felt
• 22:13
  horrible and so you know and then so after he's told me nothing's wrong with
• 22:19
  me you know what i mean yep and so he said to me i'm not giving you any more
• 22:23
  antibiotics like your body is probably so tired of antibiotics you you're not
• 22:27
  gonna be able to fight it off you know or keep fighting with the antibiotics so he ran extra tests,
• 22:33
  all kinds of extra tests, you know, and this is another thing that I had such a, such anxiety about.
• 22:38
  Jess knows we get labs through his work every year, you know,
• 22:42
  just like a healthy you kind of thing.
• 22:44
  And I always get a hundred day plus and it is something I'm so proud of.
• 22:49
  I'm so proud of it. And so obviously a few things were off because I was sick.
• 22:54
  Like my immune system was down, but one
• 22:58
  test that he ran was a ANA
• 23:02
  test which tells you now I know it's not a verbatim thing but at that time I
• 23:07
  did not know it tells you if it's positive there is a chance of an autoimmune
• 23:12
  disorder and so mine came back positive and mine came back positive what like Like,
• 23:19
  you were already in New Orleans for work.
• 23:23
  So it was like the day or two before...
• 23:26
  The girls and I were supposed to leave. Yeah.
• 23:30
  And it was also the day that my photographer, Chris, came over to take pictures
• 23:36
  for the Fruitful Gold Journal, my journal that I wrote and was getting ready
• 23:41
  to release at the beginning of 2025.
• 23:46
  And I was, when I took, like, now talking about it, I'm like, you had a positive A&A.
• 23:53
  But like, when I tell you, Somebody may as well have told me I had six months to live.
• 23:58
  Like the way that I handled that news. Like I was just like,
• 24:02
  I'm going to be unable to walk.
• 24:05
  And, you know, like I just went down this spiral. And y'all,
• 24:08
  Reddit threads really suck.
• 24:10
  Google really sucks. Like looking into that stuff and making yourself more, quote, educated.
• 24:14
  We all say we're so educated because we know how to Google, you know,
• 24:18
  especially when you don't have like the full picture or the full story of your
• 24:22
  health yet. Like it can be really, really dangerous for your mind.
• 24:27
  And, you know, your brain never forgets those patterns that you choose to go
• 24:33
  down. And it encourages you to do it again and again.
• 24:36
  And so that was it for me. So meanwhile, throughout like that time,
• 24:42
  I think they had put me on.
• 24:43
  I went to another doctor while I was waiting to get into a rheumatologist.
• 24:48
  They had put me on some reflux medicine. they
• 24:51
  had put me on all kinds of different medicine and so my body
• 24:55
  was hurting and so that
• 24:58
  didn't help you know my mindset like I
• 25:02
  had been I had been sick feeling like achy feeling and I thought it was the
• 25:06
  strep my stomach was feeling kind of funny and I thought it was the strep my
• 25:09
  throat was hurting and obviously I thought it was a strep so then they told
• 25:12
  me it's not strep so then they say it's reflux and I'm like lol okay so I take
• 25:17
  start taking some medicine for reflux.
• 25:19
  And so the girls and I went down to New Orleans, and I will never forget this.
• 25:26
  We drove at night. I don't remember why we were driving. I guess I waited for
• 25:29
  them to get out of school. So I was driving in the dark some of the way.
• 25:33
  And we were meeting just there. We were going to the teddy bear tee.
• 25:36
  I had been planning this forever.
• 25:38
  Like I had gotten them cute little dresses. Like it was such a little fancy trip for us.
• 25:43
  And mom was like internally a whole wreck.
• 25:47
  But I remember pulling up to the Roosevelt where you were.
• 25:53
  And my back, my lower back ached so bad that I thought, I can't,
• 25:58
  I can't even go to dinner.
• 26:00
  Like, I've got to go get in the bed. I need some medicine. Like,
• 26:03
  I don't, like, I was aching all over, you know?
• 26:06
  And so sometimes when I think back on that, like when I, now when I think back
• 26:10
  to that time, I'm like, was it all in my head?
• 26:12
  But then I remember that New Orleans trip and I'm like
• 26:15
  no it wasn't like I was in so much pain yeah you know
• 26:18
  and so anyway I tried so hard I tried so hard to power through that New Orleans
• 26:25
  trip you know like I I wanted it to be so special for the girls but of course
• 26:29
  I was like really struggling mentally and so then remember this is I guess is where.
• 26:38
  Googling may help. I don't know. I hate to even, you know.
• 26:42
  But Christmas Eve, we were icing cookies. We had, I had made,
• 26:46
  so that was what, this had been going on for weeks at this point.
• 26:51
  And so Christmas Eve, we were making cookies or maybe the day before Christmas
• 26:55
  Eve, the girls, we had cut out cookies. We were standing at the counter.
• 26:58
  We were about to ice them. And at that point, I was having to like sit down
• 27:01
  on the couch constantly because my back ached.
• 27:05
  And y'all, I am in excellent shape. I mean, for me to be like,
• 27:10
  I can't stand at the counter more than 30 minutes, you know,
• 27:14
  was like I had already I had already diagnosed myself with some kind of crippling disorder.
• 27:19
  You know, I was just waiting on the doctor to tell me what it was. To confirm it. Right.
• 27:23
  And so I sat down on the couch in between, you know, before we were icing the
• 27:27
  cookies and I Googled and I don't remember what I even Googled.
• 27:30
  But the medicine I was on for reflux, it was a very rare side effect,
• 27:36
  but it was a side effect for some people that it caused body aches. Body aches, yep.
• 27:41
  So I was like, oh, my God, this is it. Like, this has to be it.
• 27:45
  Like, you know, I don't know.
• 27:47
  So anyway, I immediately quit the meds. Two weeks later, I felt like a new woman.
• 27:53
  Right. You know, but then I reflected back on just like mentally how I had handled that whole month.
• 28:03
  You know, like Christmas was
• 28:04
  kind of a wash. Like I didn't have the joy and the peace and the thing.
• 28:08
  I was very stressed out about all my to do's at first and obviously about my health towards the end.
• 28:14
  You know, and I had gotten in with a rheumatologist. I was waiting to see the
• 28:18
  rheumatologist, you know, but it was like I had to work through so much stuff
• 28:22
  internally. and mentally and emotionally, and I was still exhausted, even though I felt like I,
• 28:28
  I felt like there was light, but I was still like so fearful,
• 28:33
  you know, and like, I don't know.
• 28:35
  In that time, you were like, what were you like?
• 28:40
  I mean, I'm not, I don't recall, to be honest with you, because there's a lot.
• 28:45
  And, you know, like you mentioned at the beginning, I don't necessarily,
• 28:50
  like, even though there were tests and there were results that were not normal for you.
• 28:59
  I don't know. I just had that faith that God, like it's God's got it.
• 29:03
  Like whatever it is, it's going to be something to like get used to or whatever.
• 29:07
  If it's some crippling thing or whatever.
• 29:10
  I remember when at one point you told me like, babe, we're getting close to
• 29:15
  40. We're not going to have perfect lab work forever.
• 29:18
  And I was so pissed off. I'm like, you may not, but like I intend to,
• 29:24
  you know, like, but that was just like the control in me.
• 29:27
  Like for, you know, So up until that point, I have just felt like if I eat right
• 29:31
  and I exercise and I, you know, I can control everything about my body.
• 29:36
  Yeah. I mean, again, I'm also like an apologist. I'm going to try to make like
• 29:40
  whatever the thing is, it's an issue.
• 29:42
  Try to like make it smaller or seem like it's not a big thing to worry about.
• 29:47
  Like, hey, we're almost 40.
• 29:49
  Like, of course, things are going to not be normal.
• 29:51
  How much closer to death? You're dying.
• 29:54
  We're almost 40. We're dying.
• 29:57
  So, I knew by the end of December, like, usually...
• 30:02
  The beginning of January, I am amped. Like, I am ready to roll New Year.
• 30:06
  Like, you know, it's such a fun time for the business.
• 30:08
  Like, but by the end of December, I was so, I was just tired and depressed and miserable.
• 30:15
  And, you know, I had to hit like a bottom to really then, to then be like,
• 30:20
  okay, God, whatever you have, I'm going to trust you.
• 30:23
  But I had to like beat it to death before I got there, which is very common for me.
• 30:27
  Like, I have to work it to death in my brain before I realize,
• 30:31
  okay, you know what? I can't find the answer. So I'm just going to surrender it. You know what I mean?
• 30:36
  And so in that time, like, I want to pause before we like move into January.
• 30:41
  That, this is fun, that I think it was late summer, early fall.
• 30:47
  I can't remember when this exactly happened, but I have a really good friend
• 30:51
  and she is like one of my biggest like sisters in Christ. Her name is Laura.
• 30:57
  And like, She will just speak wisdom and the word over me.
• 31:01
  And like we were at that point making trying to make a habit to walk on Friday mornings when we could.
• 31:07
  And so we were walking, you know,
• 31:09
  every Friday morning and like we're just sharing life with each other.
• 31:13
  And she had heard multiple times from me, you know, in 2024 and like the summer
• 31:19
  is probably all year of 2024. If I had to guess, she heard this from me where
• 31:23
  I felt like I'm unsure if we should have another baby.
• 31:27
  I'm unsure if we should have another baby. I'm unsure if we should have another
• 31:30
  baby. Jess and I, we did this dance forever.
• 31:33
  We built the house. We built this house. We designed this house in 2021.
• 31:40
  And we designed it with the idea of if we're going to have another baby,
• 31:45
  you know, like if we have another baby, it'll go here.
• 31:47
  And this is how things will work out. And like our builder saw us like after
• 31:50
  building the house, like when's the one's another baby coming?
• 31:53
  Yeah. He kept saying, yucky, talking about this other baby. Like it's like almost here.
• 31:58
  When's that thing going to happen? I mean, you know, like we had built made,
• 32:02
  you know, I made our drafts change all kinds of stuff downstairs because I wanted
• 32:06
  four bedrooms on the bottom floor.
• 32:09
  Like for another baby you know and so that was 2021 here it is 2024 and we're
• 32:15
  still like are we gonna have another baby no we were we are not having another you were that way.
• 32:23
  You were that way kind sir yeah i was like so torn we in our flesh and i think we'll say this to this.
• 32:33
  To today in our flesh we were
• 32:36
  cool with not having another baby yeah you know but
• 32:39
  there was like a stirring in me that would not quit
• 32:42
  and so in typical me fashion i
• 32:45
  am beating it to death thinking about it like
• 32:48
  thinking about the decision yep right and
• 32:51
  so i had everybody all my friends anybody who is close to
• 32:54
  me knew that i was like debating having another baby forever
• 32:58
  and i mean
• 33:01
  I do think part of it was because you were like I think if
• 33:03
  you had said yes let's do it I would have been like okay
• 33:07
  Jess wants another baby twist my arm you
• 33:10
  know but you were just kind of like I mean if it happened I wouldn't be
• 33:13
  mad but like yeah we were not planning
• 33:16
  for another baby yeah well I think a lot of those things
• 33:19
  that like you'd mentioned we like in 21 and
• 33:22
  22 our focus was 100 percent the house
• 33:25
  stuff and like you mentioned like there's financial
• 33:27
  stressors that pop up during building the house and
• 33:30
  like very my brain works
• 33:34
  financially and so like if things
• 33:37
  aren't like really being painted in a great
• 33:40
  picture there right and i'm not
• 33:42
  you know we're wrestling with it already it's like
• 33:46
  what's why let's throw another person into
• 33:49
  this chaos like that doesn't private
• 33:52
  school so we were.
• 33:55
  Like that would be another tuition another daycare another
• 33:58
  you know like yeah it was it was
• 34:01
  a lot and and it
• 34:04
  wasn't just like financially thought through or
• 34:07
  whatever that's what i was about to say yeah we really like we love our kids
• 34:11
  right we like hanging out with our kids and we were like i mean once glory hit
• 34:16
  like three yeah i mean she's just like along for the ride wherever we want to
• 34:20
  go whatever we want to do she's there yeah she's and she too is very independent.
• 34:26
  Whereas Sarah Mason, I felt like needed us for every little thing.
• 34:30
  Gloria will be like, no, mom, I'm making my lunch. She's just so independent. And so,
• 34:34
  We almost waited too long because it was like we saw the freedom that we had.
• 34:40
  You know, like you said, Jess travels a lot for work. And so I was able to just
• 34:46
  pick them up, pack them up and go.
• 34:48
  Like if we had had another baby, that would not have been the case.
• 34:51
  You know, it was just we were on the move. We were moving and shaking.
• 34:55
  We were financially comfortable. And it just was not in our like it was very
• 35:00
  much against our flesh to want to add any chaos to that. Yeah.
• 35:06
  But your girl could not like I just couldn't shake it like I would have visions.
• 35:11
  Well, you're you're telling the story of Laura. Yeah. Yeah. But I would I would
• 35:14
  have visions of like five people at our dinner table. Yeah.
• 35:18
  You know, like I would just I could not shake it.
• 35:21
  And so Laura and I were walking one day and I'm sure she's tired of hearing about it at this point.
• 35:26
  And she's like, Constance, you know, because I'm like, how do I know?
• 35:29
  How do I know? How do I know if we should try? How do I know?
• 35:31
  You know, and she's like, you know what? What if you just like let the Lord decide?
• 35:37
  And I was like, what do you mean? You know, like, what do you even?
• 35:40
  And she was like, what if y'all just did not try?
• 35:43
  You know, like, what if you were, you know, I know y'all listen with y'all kids
• 35:47
  in the car. So, you know, what if you just.
• 35:51
  Pulled the goalie.
• 35:55
  I'm going to edit that out. Are you? The kids don't know what the goalie is.
• 36:04
  All right. So what if you just...
• 36:09
  You know, didn't, didn't not try. And so I came home immediately from the walk
• 36:13
  and I tell Jess this, I'm like, babe, I just felt so convicted.
• 36:16
  Like, listen to what Laura said. And he was like, I don't know how I feel about that.
• 36:20
  Like was not into it. Right. It took you, it took you a hot minute.
• 36:26
  Well, yeah, I just didn't want, I didn't want to make any kind of like,
• 36:30
  and again, like you mentioned, it wasn't a rash decision by any means.
• 36:35
  Cause we'd been talking about it and not talking about it for years years at this point but i just.
• 36:43
  I want i wanted you and we've had this kind of rhythm a lot
• 36:47
  in our relationship but like if one of us says
• 36:49
  something we don't we kind of don't trust
• 36:53
  it for a little while until it's like we're gonna
• 36:56
  stick with this like this is gonna be something that we're gonna keep saying
• 36:59
  yeah i think that's more you but like i
• 37:02
  i have a lot of like impulsive ideas like last night
• 37:05
  i was like let's go put money in somebody's mailbox sure it's like
• 37:09
  okay we're gonna let's just wait and pray on that that's right very
• 37:15
  i feel like i feel like my decisions like
• 37:18
  my emotions are what drives my decisions which isn't always
• 37:21
  a great thing sure so yeah i think yeah so i wanted to well and you know we
• 37:26
  had we had done that a lot with a lot of different things you know we built
• 37:29
  this house should we sell this house should we move should we you know start
• 37:33
  over this thing or That thing like we had we were bouncing a lot of ideas off
• 37:37
  of each other frequently.
• 37:40
  And I think but if now in hindsight and very quick hindsight,
• 37:44
  right, like it's all because of discontentment. That's right.
• 37:48
  We were we were we knew we were discontent and we were trying to figure out
• 37:51
  where and why. Yeah. You know.
• 37:54
  So anyway, he was like, OK, we'll have to think about it. OK,
• 37:56
  so then I think you finally were like, OK, let's do it.
• 38:00
  You know, like because I wouldn't it wouldn't shake me.
• 38:03
  And you were like, if you feel that strongly about it and you feel like it's
• 38:07
  from the Lord, like I can't I can't stop you. He's like, I don't really I'm
• 38:11
  not feeling that conviction.
• 38:12
  But like, I'm obviously going to support whatever you feel is from the Lord,
• 38:17
  which like has has been reversed for us.
• 38:19
  Right. Like your career move from, you know, when we were first married,
• 38:23
  like that was. you felt it all from the Lord.
• 38:25
  And I was like, no, it's a bad idea, you know, and then it changed our whole lives, you know?
• 38:31
  And so we have, we have done that dance several times at our marriage.
• 38:35
  So we, for just a little while, did not try to have a baby.
• 38:41
  And then that is when all this, like the ANA came back and all that.
• 38:47
  So anyway, we transitioned into January and like from October to till January,
• 38:55
  the word abide was just on my heart.
• 38:58
  Like, and I don't know why, like, I still don't, I mean, you know,
• 39:00
  well, now I do know why, but like, I didn't, I could, I'm like, what am I abiding?
• 39:04
  Like, what is there to abide? Like, Lord, tell me something,
• 39:07
  please. And I will abide.
• 39:08
  You know, like I was really, there were a lot of unknowns for me.
• 39:11
  And so I'm like, I would love to have something to abide to that I was like
• 39:15
  really certain about, you know, and too, with like the year I'd had,
• 39:20
  I felt like I just need rest needs to be my word.
• 39:22
  Like I need to You know, up until last year, I had like goals I would set for each new year.
• 39:29
  I would, it was not really usually a word.
• 39:32
  But so last year, I just, or this year, I guess it was the end of last year
• 39:35
  going into January. I just decided to abide was my word. And like.
• 39:39
  But like you mentioned, you fought it because of rest.
• 39:44
  You wanted it to be something that encompassed rest.
• 39:49
  I remember either a book or a podcast series that you listened to on Sabbath. Sabbath.
• 39:56
  Oh, I was all into it. Yes. That was really my first when I dipped my toe into
• 40:00
  this idea of what I'm about to kind of dive into.
• 40:05
  Because I thought, okay, rest is just the answer. you
• 40:08
  know like in true which it is it is in a sense you
• 40:11
  know it's like woven into all of this but like rest is the answer and
• 40:13
  so abide was just where i kept going
• 40:16
  my mind kept going there so that that was my word and like all year long it
• 40:20
  has been something that i have meditated on have you know tried to understand
• 40:25
  about is a like a very intricate word to understand and like what it actually
• 40:30
  actually means you know you think you know what it means but man i got a whole bible study on it,
• 40:35
  you know, and then I really learned what that meant, you know.
• 40:39
  So all that, with all that going on, I also was in the midst of trying to understand
• 40:45
  marketing a little bit more.
• 40:48
  Marketing, this is no secret here, but I hate marketing. Marketing is my least favorite thing.
• 40:52
  I just hired a lovely, lovely girl to be, you know, to help us out with marketing for a,
• 40:58
  But around November, October of last year, sat down on a marketing webinar.
• 41:05
  And of course, there was a pitch at the end. And, you know, they invited me
• 41:09
  to their program. And I had just come sit in on the meeting because, again, I'm impulse.
• 41:14
  If it sounds good, I'm like, oh, this is what we need to do at the end, you know.
• 41:17
  And so we sat down and we had a meeting and we joined this marketing group.
• 41:23
  So this girl that was running this marketing group, which I've talked
• 41:26
  about on a previous episode she was advertising
• 41:29
  a retreat and i thought i don't i
• 41:32
  can't do that i can't leave my family like i had not done anything like
• 41:35
  that you know i left my kids to go with you to new orleans or houston or wherever
• 41:41
  we were going but like i had not for there's something you did the dairy thing
• 41:47
  yeah was the only yeah but that was paid for yeah but and you're like Like you work for yourself.
• 41:54
  Like there's no like, hey, we got a conference or this meeting that we've got to attend.
• 41:58
  Like most people have from a corporate standpoint, like forcing you to go places.
• 42:04
  And so I wasn't doing that for myself. And like I was like, I can't.
• 42:10
  Like I can't leave Jess with these kids to do to then pay to go do something like this.
• 42:16
  You was leaving me with these kids all the time. You know, I don't know why,
• 42:21
  but it was just like a block in my head. A lot of moms do that, you know?
• 42:24
  Like, I can't leave my husband for this girl's trip or whatever.
• 42:29
  They'll be fine. They will. Ladies, they'll be fine. They may not have brushed
• 42:33
  their hair the last time you left, but they'll be fine.
• 42:36
  So anyway, it just kept, again, it kept nagging at me, kept nagging at me. So I signed up.
• 42:41
  And I went, again, if you want to hear more about that, I think it was a couple
• 42:44
  of months back I talk about that experience. But I went and it changed my whole entire life.
• 42:49
  I had no idea why I was going. I had no idea what we were supposed to do when
• 42:52
  we got there. I mean, I thought I was going to do marketing.
• 42:55
  That was part of it. Like there was no agenda. There was no agenda.
• 42:58
  And like that scared me. And I remember telling Jess like, well,
• 43:02
  if I get over there and I'm uncomfortable and I don't like it,
• 43:04
  I'll just stay in the hotel room the rest of the time, which to me, that was rest.
• 43:07
  Right. That was rest. And that would have been a win-win either way.
• 43:10
  But so I got over there and.
• 43:13
  This dude walks in the door on like our second day there.
• 43:17
  And I had met this hormone nurse and I was sitting next to her.
• 43:21
  And when he walked in, I looked at her and I said, this is why I'm here.
• 43:27
  He, the way he was talking about, he was preparing us for what he was about to do.
• 43:31
  And it was, I just knew, like I knew that was what I was there for.
• 43:37
  I was, you know, God literally wouldn't let me stop thinking about that trip,
• 43:42
  about going on that trip. so that I could have that experience.
• 43:45
  Now, Austin's weird, you know? Like, I love it. I love going to these retreats,
• 43:50
  but am I aligned with every little thing?
• 43:53
  You know, they're very spiritual, but not as religious as we are,
• 43:56
  if that makes sense, you know? Like, they're not as Jesus-focused.
• 44:00
  It's more God-focused, which can be very dangerous if you don't know the Bible
• 44:04
  and you don't know how to distinguish what is the full truth and what is not.
• 44:10
  But, and I even, you know, with this, I even like reached out to our preacher's
• 44:15
  wife because I knew she had gone through something like this.
• 44:17
  And I'm like, OK, I need I need your confirmation that it is OK that,
• 44:22
  you know, I am I am kind of dabbling in some of this work, even though these
• 44:27
  people aren't fully aligned with how we believe, you know.
• 44:30
  And so she she was very encouraging and like really like conscious,
• 44:34
  how can we, you know, can you find doctors that are fully aligned with how we believe?
• 44:38
  Can you find therapists that are fully aligned with how we believe?
• 44:41
  Like, can you find bosses that are fully aligned, you know, like with how we
• 44:44
  believe? So anyway, she was very encouraging there.
• 44:46
  But we did some breath work.
• 44:49
  We did a lot of like, again, y'all can just go back and listen to the episode because it's a long one.
• 44:55
  But it was basically a lot of...
• 44:59
  And releasing what is inside, you know, like finally being able to acknowledge
• 45:05
  what's there instead of pretend like it's not there, which a lot of us do,
• 45:09
  and then letting it go and being OK and unashamed to like let it go.
• 45:14
  You know, so there's a lot of self-work like you can't you couldn't help me with it.
• 45:19
  Right. You know what I mean? Which I think kind of drove you nuts at first when
• 45:22
  I got back home. Like, I think. Yeah. And I didn't understand it.
• 45:25
  He did not. I still I don't know. I mean, you know, I still think you're working
• 45:28
  to understand it. Well, sure.
• 45:29
  But I mean, after a lot of podcasts and a lot of practicing,
• 45:35
  I had him come to a few breathwork sessions, you know, and then with at home
• 45:42
  with a different person.
• 45:43
  And then in Tulum, I had him like meditate with me out, you know,
• 45:47
  on the balcony and stuff like that.
• 45:49
  But for me, I think what it really was about is being forced to be still.
• 45:55
  Yeah. Like be still with your body. Be still with your mind.
• 45:58
  Like up until that point, I had been moving like I had been.
• 46:02
  Oh, there's a problem. Let me move. Like not let me sit and let me absorb and
• 46:08
  let me think like let me move.
• 46:09
  And I think that I think I don't think you'll ever fully understand the transition
• 46:13
  that I made because you already that is how you already are.
• 46:18
  Yeah you know what i mean like you are internally a
• 46:22
  sitter and a thinker and uh you know you're not
• 46:25
  going to ever make a decision out of
• 46:28
  action you're going to make a decision out of i
• 46:31
  gotta mull this over you know like i had to wait two freaking weeks
• 46:34
  to get your christmas list because you really had to think about it you know
• 46:37
  what i mean yeah i mean right like it's so i think that's just your innate personality
• 46:44
  it's how you were raised it's how your family kind of rolls whereas me I'm like
• 46:48
  if I do it then I'll decide later you know like I'll decide in the doing or I'll you know,
• 46:53
  I don't know just being still was not it for me yeah.
• 46:57
  But with all that being said, it was a powerful trip, life changing.
• 47:00
  Everything was great. But then I came home. Right. And no one here was doing
• 47:04
  that. No one here was practicing that. No one here was even knew what I was
• 47:07
  freaking talking about.
• 47:08
  Right. You know, like I came home to explain it to you. And I was like,
• 47:11
  he's going to think I took some kind of drugs.
• 47:13
  I did. I thought you had gone on a trip and had a trip.
• 47:18
  Like I thought they did something to my wife there.
• 47:22
  Something crazy. Literally, I sat him down and like prepared him for what I
• 47:25
  was about. Which made it worse. Like anytime you like try to prepare,
• 47:28
  like here, I got to tell you something.
• 47:31
  I'm like, what, what, what happened? It was just, I cannot, I will never,
• 47:36
  if you, if you have an experience, like I will never be able to explain how, like, no, it was insane.
• 47:42
  It did feel like I was on a trip. I'm like, then I don't know what a trip feels
• 47:46
  like, but like, I'm like, did they put some essential or some, you know, what is it?
• 47:50
  Like pop some stuff in the air.
• 47:53
  Yeah. I don't know. You know, it was wild. So, anyways, I kind of let it go.
• 47:59
  Like, I got back into the swing of my normal routine around here.
• 48:04
  I think I never fully forgot, but I was just really struggling with how to practice it at home.
• 48:11
  Like, you can't have this two-hour-long life-changing experience every day when
• 48:16
  you wake up, you know, to get your kids ready for school and go to work.
• 48:19
  Like, you can't, you know. So it was like, how do I integrate that?
• 48:22
  There was no real integration, you know, checklist for me to follow.
• 48:27
  And so I just struggled with how to do that. You know, I was,
• 48:30
  oh my God, I searched forever for apps and podcasts and all that.
• 48:36
  But anyway, it just, I couldn't find my, I couldn't find my rhythm.
• 48:39
  So in the spring, I ended up having more GI issues.
• 48:43
  Went to the GI doctor, had a scope. And then like, I kind of, it was like I relapsed.
• 48:49
  I felt like I, like my anxiety just presented itself in the same exact way all
• 48:54
  over again. Like I was a nervous wreck. Like I thought I had stomach cancer.
• 48:56
  Like I was just, you know, like it was just a lot.
• 49:00
  And I think coming off of what I had just put myself through in January,
• 49:06
  by the way, I had gone, I don't think I mentioned, I had gone to the rheumatologist in late January.
• 49:11
  I can't remember exactly when we went but she
• 49:15
  took some other labs risks i
• 49:18
  mean risks were there but like they were
• 49:21
  low yeah and she's the one who kind of explained it i
• 49:24
  think a little i don't know if you had already kind of thought
• 49:27
  through this or like i had not believe this
• 49:30
  but she's the one who kind of let you know that hey this
• 49:33
  might not be as big of a deal as you just because
• 49:36
  you have a positive an a does not mean you have an
• 49:40
  autoimmune disorder right like and she said i spend
• 49:43
  95 of my day talking to people who
• 49:46
  have referrals to me because they had a positive an
• 49:49
  a and telling them they do not have an autoimmune disorder
• 49:52
  you know so she that was very i know i did not know that
• 49:54
  i thought an a equaled i've got something going
• 49:57
  on yeah you know and now looking back you know
• 50:00
  especially after what i've been through over the year i feel like what that
• 50:04
  was for me i mean i don't know who knows next year I could have you
• 50:06
  know something bubble up I don't know but I feel like it was a warning sign
• 50:10
  like my body yes I did have positive values that you know indicated things could
• 50:16
  go in a certain direction and I think my body was saying you better you better
• 50:20
  wake up right you know what I mean you bet because 10 more years of this and
• 50:23
  you will be in a full-blown whatever you know.
• 50:27
  So anyway in that appointment with her though that first you were in no you
• 50:30
  couldn't come back Couldn't go in.
• 50:32
  That first appointment with her, one of my detailed lab values indicated that...
• 50:40
  If I got pregnant, there could be a chance of a heart issue with the baby.
• 50:47
  So she was like, I think I would just put that on pause right now.
• 50:51
  I think she could just look at me and tell that, like, my body was not in the
• 50:55
  right shape to try for a baby.
• 50:57
  My mind was not in the right shape. We had so much else going on. Yeah.
• 51:00
  And so she told me that and I was like, low-key relieved. You know, like, I'm like, okay.
• 51:05
  You know, God, God, you were wrong. you were wrong. And this rheumatologist was right.
• 51:12
  And so anyways, so we did, we put a pin in it after that. And I felt,
• 51:17
  I did feel at peace with putting in a pin in it.
• 51:20
  I mean, could you have imagined me getting pregnant during that time? No.
• 51:24
  Quite literally just a few months ago. Like, could you have imagined that?
• 51:26
  Yeah. No, it would have been a bad idea. It would have been a bad idea.
• 51:29
  And so anyway, moving into the spring, had GI issues, you know,
• 51:33
  turned out to be, I had a hiatal hernia, some inflammation.
• 51:37
  They wanted me to be on medication. And, you know, I had already had that,
• 51:41
  that struggle with the GI meds back in December.
• 51:46
  I didn't want to take it, you know, anyway, I really like natural medicine to
• 51:51
  myself to death, which I'm very proud of.
• 51:53
  Like I really did a lot of good research and found some good supplements to
• 51:57
  help with healing my gut, but But still felt like I was kind of dysregulated.
• 52:05
  I don't know. I had had the one experience, but like that just wasn't quite
• 52:11
  enough for, you know, to regulate your nervous system on a daily basis.
• 52:15
  So after the GI thing, and especially after I behaved with it all,
• 52:19
  like the way I just let it consume me, I decided I was going to go all in on
• 52:24
  figuring out like how, like what this meant to regulate your nervous system.
• 52:29
  Like what it meant to find like this true calm in your own body at all times.
• 52:36
  And so, you know, I had weeded through apps and videos and all this stuff,
• 52:40
  but I felt like I really needed a guide, especially when I had like no understanding
• 52:45
  of what that really even meant.
• 52:47
  Like, how do you regulate your nervous system? Like, do you even know what that means?
• 52:50
  Me? Yeah. No. Right. No, you're right. Right. But your nervous system is pretty
• 52:53
  regulated. I mean, you know, in general.
• 52:56
  So I went, I called the big man that had walked in at the retreat. His name is Samson.
• 53:04
  And i'm like how do i work with you you know and he set me up and he was so expensive,
• 53:15
  i know what i want to know i want to pause right
• 53:17
  here okay and talk about your frugal self and
• 53:21
  i'm not frugal what your your budget conscious self financially what are you
• 53:26
  if you're not he hates it when i call him i don't like waste okay and i like
• 53:32
  to spend money on things that i know are like worth it or necessary did you
• 53:37
  feel like this was worth it before i started,
• 53:41
  No.
• 53:44
  Well, yeah, I mean, it's just because, again, I wasn't there. I didn't experience it.
• 53:49
  I knew that you had been searching and like I wouldn't say desperate,
• 53:54
  but probably close to desperate, like all the things that were bothering you,
• 53:58
  the elements, the getting sick all the time, the soreness,
• 54:03
  the GI stuff, like all the things.
• 54:06
  And I was just like, you're just searching for anything and everything that could help. Yeah.
• 54:13
  And so there is there are people in our lives that are like chronic. Help. Needers.
• 54:21
  Need stuff. What is it called? Like health fearers, fearers of health or whatever.
• 54:26
  So there's chronically something wrong and there's chronically something that needs to be fixed.
• 54:31
  And so I did. I felt like you thought that's where I was headed.
• 54:35
  Like where I was just like constantly like, yeah, something's wrong and I need
• 54:39
  an answer, which I was for like from the time I had strep nonstop until literally the spring.
• 54:47
  Probably. You know what I mean? And that was the thing, too,
• 54:49
  though. It kind of it changed stuff like change.
• 54:53
  Like there was the GI thing, which then also led to the body soreness stuff, too.
• 54:58
  And then we realized, well, the Medicaid, like we changed all the stuff and
• 55:01
  then we're like, well, the medication.
• 55:02
  Right. And so. And then we went on this thing where we were like, no more meds. Yeah.
• 55:08
  What are meds doing to us? You know, like alcohol too.
• 55:11
  I mean, you know, because it was, it's a real thing.
• 55:15
  Yeah. So again, it was all that stuff and also strep throat stuff is like,
• 55:19
  there were just so many different things.
• 55:22
  I'm like, can we just like get like a stretch where you're, you're okay.
• 55:26
  Can we get to a place where you're like healthy for a month or so? Right. And then. Right.
• 55:32
  And then we'll talk. We'll figure out if that's what you need or whatever. Yeah.
• 55:36
  So I just felt, I felt really strongly about working with Samson from the time
• 55:41
  I left in January, but I was fighting...
• 55:44
  I knew it was going to be very expensive. Yeah. And it's I mean,
• 55:48
  he lives in Austin. He lives. So it's like it's got to be Zoom or whatever.
• 55:52
  And I knew it was going to require me to like do I knew like it was going to
• 55:59
  require me to do a lot of like internal work and a lot of hard work.
• 56:03
  And I honestly did not feel equipped like I didn't feel strong enough in January
• 56:09
  to even do that, you know, to show up every day for myself like that.
• 56:12
  I mean, I was going to therapy, but I had gotten to this point with my therapist,
• 56:17
  you know, I had kind of stopped going to her off and on or whatever,
• 56:19
  because like she didn't push me past my limits.
• 56:22
  Like she just let me, you know, let me say what I wanted to say.
• 56:25
  And we addressed that every day I walked in and it's like, what do you want to talk about today?
• 56:29
  And I'm like, well, I don't know.
• 56:32
  I want a deeper healing than just like let's rehash last week's argument with
• 56:36
  somebody. And you know what I mean? Yep.
• 56:39
  And so I knew Samson was not going to play. He was not going to play around.
• 56:43
  And I was scared of that, too, for a little while. So anyway, I signed up with Samson.
• 56:48
  I just kind of, it was one of those things. I don't usually make decisions without
• 56:51
  at least running it by Jess.
• 56:54
  But I brought this to you and I was like, I think I'm going to do this.
• 56:57
  You know, and you were like, well, okay. You know, and I knew you had a thought
• 57:02
  about it. I knew you felt like not 100%.
• 57:06
  But I did the work. He there are things that he Had me look at and had me walk
• 57:14
  through from start to finish that i've never in my life in all my years of,
• 57:19
  and like self-work and like and like
• 57:21
  y'all I think I've said this on here before like I don't have just this
• 57:24
  like traumatic life like I don't I mean you know like my life is
• 57:27
  not no big trauma no I mean a little I mean yeah I mean something but like nothing
• 57:32
  like some of the things we'd be saying out here you know what I mean but like
• 57:37
  and I think that's what held me up for a while is like I don't really have anything
• 57:41
  that I should be having to work through that's that heavy you You know,
• 57:45
  but we are all trained, whether we realize it or not, it's like our it's not
• 57:50
  like our parents are intentionally doing it or whatever.
• 57:53
  But we are trained in our childhood for how to deal with our like with things
• 57:58
  that hurt us or things that are scary or things that are disappointments.
• 58:03
  It's like, how are you taught to handle those things and the way that we choose
• 58:09
  to handle them or the way that we are trained to handle them as children become our way as adults?
• 58:16
  Yeah. And so if it's not in a healthy way, if you're unable to really process
• 58:20
  even the smallest things like for me,
• 58:22
  like like not one of the things Samson and I really talked heavily about one
• 58:27
  one session is that I did not make the competition to your squad in ninth grade.
• 58:32
  And that's, I mean, that is not, that should not be something that is like altering my life. Right.
• 58:38
  Right. But it was because I was unable to grieve it.
• 58:42
  Yeah. I was unable to be sad about it. I was immediately taught and told like,
• 58:47
  well, these are the things that you did wrong.
• 58:49
  And these are, you know, and this is why.
• 58:52
  And it's like, instead of being able to just feel the feelings of the sadness
• 58:57
  behind it, you know, just little things like that.
• 59:00
  And so it was about looking back at, you know, past experiences that weren't
• 59:07
  able to be fully felt or fully acknowledged and really seeing how that created that.
• 59:14
  Where I am and how I manage things today.
• 59:17
  So instead of, which explains why I'm constantly just trying to do the next
• 59:22
  thing instead of deal with the disappointment of the current thing. You know what I mean?
• 59:28
  And so I think this is really common, especially in our age of distraction.
• 59:32
  Like, you know, if we want to find something to take our mind off of the thing
• 59:36
  we're sad about or mad about or whatever, like it's.
• 59:39
  Readily. Two seconds away. I mean, anything you can think of,
• 59:42
  baby, here it is, you know?
• 59:44
  And so I'm seeing this more and more like where people are just distracting
• 59:48
  instead of trying to heal the things that are putting them in the emotion or
• 59:53
  in the place that they are currently in and currently struggling with,
• 59:57
  you know? So it was a lot of that.
• 59:59
  Like, it was just a lot of Samson not letting me avoid the issue,
• 1:00:04
  not letting me push it aside, you know, and then explaining to me,
• 1:00:09
  like, why my brain is going there and why,
• 1:00:12
  you know, I'm feeling the things that I'm feeling.
• 1:00:16
  So on top of that, we really, you know, it was a lot about, and it still is, right?
• 1:00:21
  A lot about presence, which I hope, I know I'm not perfect at it by any means,
• 1:00:25
  but I do hope that you have seen more of that in me.
• 1:00:30
  Like just being present. Yes. Yes. When I am in the room, I'm actually in the room.
• 1:00:36
  Right. You know, but that sucks because it's also like when I'm feeling a feeling,
• 1:00:42
  I have to be present with the feeling. Right.
• 1:00:45
  That's right. Like when something has annoyed me, I have to like.
• 1:00:50
  Sit there and be annoyed. Be with it. Yeah. You know, instead of saying,
• 1:00:53
  oh, no, let me change it. Let me, you know, whatever.
• 1:00:55
  Like, and so it was a lot about that. So there are like obviously things that
• 1:01:00
  you can you do to help encourage your nervous system to be in the present.
• 1:01:04
  Right. And so it's like, remember that that time I was like.
• 1:01:09
  The time I was like reeling in the bathtub, like I was like,
• 1:01:12
  I don't remember what I was so upset about, but I have gotten in the bathtub
• 1:01:16
  and I was like, I had bad anxiety and I was like.
• 1:01:20
  I need to go stand in the rain. It was raining outside. I do remember this.
• 1:01:28
  I was like, I just felt so disconnected to like the present.
• 1:01:33
  Like I was doing the thing that I always do, which is like spiraling and like not...
• 1:01:41
  Wasn't real it wasn't real I was living either in the past or the future I can't remember like what,
• 1:01:46
  it was that I was even concerned about but I
• 1:01:49
  just knew I needed something to like ground me and I know that
• 1:01:52
  sounds so woo-woo I know I mean it's right grounding but
• 1:01:55
  it true you know anybody who thinks about it
• 1:01:58
  for more than a minute it's like how much of your day do you think do you spend
• 1:02:04
  thinking about what someone previously said to you or about how you felt a minute
• 1:02:09
  ago or you know Or think about the worries that come with Christmas Eve,
• 1:02:16
  Christmas morning right now because that's the season we're in or,
• 1:02:18
  you know, this afternoon or tonight or like we never are fully right where we are in the moment.
• 1:02:24
  You know, we're always thinking about something that's already happened or that
• 1:02:28
  might happen in the future.
• 1:02:30
  Yeah, or scrolling the phone and it just like making your mind go numb. Numb.
• 1:02:37
  And not be where you are. But then even still, sometimes that makes you like
• 1:02:43
  covet the future or makes you, you know.
• 1:02:46
  Feel frustration with, you know, I didn't go to school to be a doctor,
• 1:02:52
  so I can't, you know, have a house like that or whatever, you know, like the past.
• 1:02:56
  You're disappointed in the past or, you know, like even just scrolling can make
• 1:03:01
  us not content with whatever.
• 1:03:04
  With the present. Yep. So whatever it was in the bathtub, I like went and I
• 1:03:08
  put my towel around me and I stood outside in the rain.
• 1:03:11
  And I like because I just thought, OK, this is what's going to make me remember I'm right here.
• 1:03:15
  And I mean, it did. You know, I had my feet in the grass. You know,
• 1:03:18
  the hippity-dippities always have their feet in the grass.
• 1:03:21
  You know, like get in the dirt. And I do think that's why I love my garden so
• 1:03:27
  much because it's like the dirt forces you to be present. Yeah. You know?
• 1:03:31
  And I just remember thinking, you were watching me through the window,
• 1:03:35
  which pissed me off so bad.
• 1:03:36
  Well, I walked by like I had been putting the kids down or something.
• 1:03:41
  You knew I was going out there to get in the rain. But I...
• 1:03:46
  I think you thought I was losing my mind. Think about what you're saying to me, though.
• 1:03:52
  For the first time, I've known you for 20 years, and you hate the rain.
• 1:03:56
  I do hate the rain. Like, you don't like the rain at all.
• 1:03:59
  And here we go. We're just going to go stand in it. And I'm like,
• 1:04:03
  I'm going to make sure she doesn't just run off into the woods.
• 1:04:07
  I'm going to stand here and watch her.
• 1:04:11
  I just felt like he was so, like, I felt like you were worried about me. I was, but I wasn't.
• 1:04:16
  And yeah, and it was received maybe more of like, maybe I was judging you for
• 1:04:20
  being out there. It was more so I was concerned. Yeah.
• 1:04:24
  I think that season, like I was doing a lot of like unraveling internally.
• 1:04:31
  And so I think that was just like,
• 1:04:34
  you got to see a little of my external unraveling. You know what I mean?
• 1:04:38
  Like it was, I can't. And it's my job as a husband to protect you.
• 1:04:42
  Like I'm trying to like, whatever that is, like whatever you're going through,
• 1:04:47
  whatever, like you're having to undo or go back and feel or whatever.
• 1:04:52
  Like I wanted, I wanted to make sure again, like you mentioned,
• 1:04:55
  I didn't really like trust the whole Samson thing in the beginning.
• 1:04:58
  Like I felt like it was my job to like.
• 1:05:02
  To try to discern it and know it and like then protect you from whatever you
• 1:05:06
  may not have blinders to because you're looking for you're looking for the healing
• 1:05:11
  or whatever that thing was.
• 1:05:14
  And I'm trying to see like what the watch outs. Right. And so,
• 1:05:19
  again. Yeah. And I love that about you. Yeah.
• 1:05:22
  And so, again, too, because it was just a wild time for me. I had been through
• 1:05:26
  so much that it was like you could have easily been like thinking she's she's turned.
• 1:05:31
  She's part of a cult now. And, you know, like these are.
• 1:05:34
  So anyway, I just think, again, I highly recommend doing this work for anybody that just feel.
• 1:05:41
  And if you're coming to my retreat, we will we will begin this work because
• 1:05:44
  it's like we as we've grown have just put on so many different masks because
• 1:05:49
  that's what we've been told to do.
• 1:05:51
  Or that's what we've taught ourselves to do to survive a situation or to feel
• 1:05:55
  comfortable in a situation. And so the unraveling for me was like,
• 1:05:58
  OK, let me take off all these masks. Who am I really?
• 1:06:02
  Like, what do I really care about? What do I really, you know,
• 1:06:05
  what are my true issues that I struggle with?
• 1:06:07
  Like all these things. And so, and just took some time.
• 1:06:10
  And then for me, I was only able to be present and be comfortable in the present
• 1:06:18
  after I had done all that work.
• 1:06:20
  And so it was just a time of just a ton of work, right? And so nature really did help with that.
• 1:06:25
  I think, you know, we went to, we went hiking in the spring and like,
• 1:06:30
  that was the first time we had really done that and i just fell in love
• 1:06:33
  with it um i'm like talking about him taking me hiking like when i'm gonna be
• 1:06:37
  32 weeks pregnant y'all pray for that i just you know i really i really want
• 1:06:41
  to but even tulum like when we went on our anniversary trip i was like i don't
• 1:06:44
  want to go to know all-inclusive where it's like more distraction like lights
• 1:06:49
  and flashy things like i wanted it to be more nature and like.
• 1:06:53
  Actually feel and see this place that we're going instead of being distracted
• 1:06:59
  by the menu of 25 fruity drinks and the 17 restaurants on site. You know what I mean?
• 1:07:06
  And then, of course, just like lots of other like practices that helped me to
• 1:07:11
  be present, like walking without earbuds in,
• 1:07:15
  you know, or sitting on the porch when it's not freaking humid outside,
• 1:07:19
  you know, and and just paying.
• 1:07:22
  We're so blessed to have the woods for our backyard.
• 1:07:26
  This was the first year ever that I went back in the woods and just like clipped
• 1:07:31
  weeds, praying to God they weren't poisonous.
• 1:07:35
  You know, like I just went into those woods and like found flowers and greenery
• 1:07:40
  and brought it back inside.
• 1:07:41
  Just like little things like that that connect you to where you are.
• 1:07:45
  And I have just been so out of touch with that probably my entire life.
• 1:07:48
  I mean, honestly, my entire life, you know.
• 1:07:52
  So I will say, though, you know, all of that included just accepting what is
• 1:07:58
  instead of, like, trying to have control. And this is something I still fight every single day.
• 1:08:02
  Oh, I won't control every single day, you know. And I think we all do to an extent.
• 1:08:06
  But by getting comfortable with myself, I think it's been easier.
• 1:08:11
  It's not, I mean, I'm not just joyful about it by any means.
• 1:08:14
  But I think it's been easier to accept that, like.
• 1:08:18
  It's really not my story. You know, it's God's story for us and for me.
• 1:08:23
  And so I will never forget one of my sessions with Samson. And I think I came
• 1:08:26
  down and told you about it afterwards. He said, I don't remember what we were exactly talking about.
• 1:08:32
  But he said, I don't usually do this. I wrote it down because I had written,
• 1:08:36
  I wrote it verbatim in my journal after we hung up.
• 1:08:39
  He said, I don't usually do this, but I just have a word for you from God.
• 1:08:44
  I want you to know by coming back to yourself, you will in turn be able to hear more clearly from God.
• 1:08:50
  And it may involve going back to something you've rejected in the past.
• 1:08:54
  And so right when he said it, I started sweating.
• 1:08:57
  I mean, I literally I mean, I was sweating all over my body and immediately
• 1:09:01
  thought like, this is the baby.
• 1:09:04
  Like we have rejected this time and time again. Like I thought that the,
• 1:09:08
  you know, rheumatologist, she just put she put the nail in the coffin and said,
• 1:09:12
  don't. Yeah. You know what I mean? It would be unwise.
• 1:09:15
  Yes. Yeah. Don't, yeah. Like medically, we should not have another baby. You know what I mean?
• 1:09:20
  And so I came down and I told you, and I'm like, I think he was talking about the baby.
• 1:09:26
  But we just left it, right? Because it wasn't, we were still like,
• 1:09:30
  I wasn't feeling any type of way again to be pregnant.
• 1:09:34
  And I had not been back to the rheumatologist.
• 1:09:37
  And, you know, so anyway, so I went back to the rheumatologist not long after that.
• 1:09:43
  And she gave me clearance to try for a baby. Yeah.
• 1:09:46
  Well, everything had like started to work itself out.
• 1:09:51
  Yeah. Like in you. You're getting sick.
• 1:09:54
  Yeah. It was parallel with all this work I was doing for my nervous system. Like.
• 1:09:58
  That's right. I was also physically feeling better. Mm-hmm. Yep.
• 1:10:03
  And so she was like, you're having no symptoms. Like, I think everything's fine.
• 1:10:07
  If y'all want to try for a baby, you can. Yeah.
• 1:10:09
  And so that was right before the summer, I think. It was like in April.
• 1:10:14
  And we had all these trips lined up.
• 1:10:16
  And also, I didn't fully trust my body yet. You know, like I was,
• 1:10:19
  this wasn't like I was thinking, oh, I'm miraculously healed.
• 1:10:22
  We were taking it day by day. I was like, let's just see what tomorrow brings.
• 1:10:25
  If I get strep again, you know what I mean?
• 1:10:27
  And so we just kind of let, let it sit until the summer.
• 1:10:34
  So, you know, I was still like doing this work with Samson. And I was still
• 1:10:37
  like, I mean, I was just doing my practices, like really trying to find a rhythm
• 1:10:41
  for myself, all the things.
• 1:10:43
  And I went back to Austin for another retreat. So in July, I went back to Austin.
• 1:10:49
  It was July 16th through the 19th. I went back and I didn't even realize these
• 1:10:53
  dates until I went back and prepared for this, which I think is just so wild.
• 1:10:59
  I went back to Austin and I remember coming home with Jess and talking to Jess
• 1:11:02
  about it. The whole time I was in Austin, that time I felt a little unsettled.
• 1:11:05
  Like I felt like, obviously the retreat purpose is to like motivate entrepreneurs,
• 1:11:11
  right? So it was a lot of like future planning.
• 1:11:13
  It was a lot of, you know, what do you see for yourself? Do you want to be a
• 1:11:17
  million dollar business owner? And I'm like, hell to the gnaw.
• 1:11:20
  Like, I don't want to be, you know, like, no, I want to like go to bed at night
• 1:11:24
  and not be thinking about the stress of this business.
• 1:11:27
  You know, I want to find peace and presence. Like I was in the midst of this
• 1:11:31
  deep self-work, you know, and
• 1:11:34
  so I was really struggling to get a hustle mentality about anything. Yeah.
• 1:11:41
  All I wanted was calm. Rest. Rest and calm. You know, I was just deep in that
• 1:11:45
  unwinding of getting there.
• 1:11:48
  And so I came home and I was kind of telling Jess that, like,
• 1:11:51
  I just I was I wasn't as comfortable this time.
• 1:11:53
  Like, I felt kind of pressure to and it wasn't her fault or,
• 1:11:57
  you know, it was just where I was mentally.
• 1:12:00
  Like, I just felt pressure to perform or want to perform when the past several
• 1:12:06
  months had been spent undoing that performance mentality in myself, you know.
• 1:12:12
  And so we got up. I got in late that night, like. Yeah, we picked you up,
• 1:12:16
  I think, like 1030 from the airport or something.
• 1:12:18
  And we still got up the next morning and went to church.
• 1:12:21
  And y'all, our preacher preached this sermon that just like,
• 1:12:24
  I'll never forget it. I will never forget it till the day I die, I don't think.
• 1:12:27
  And I think, you know, as this baby gets...
• 1:12:31
  You know, hearing grows older and all the things I'll be able to tell him,
• 1:12:34
  you know, like this is tell her it is a girl. We are having a baby.
• 1:12:38
  I keep doing that. But he preached a sermon about Samuel and Saul.
• 1:12:45
  And basically like the overall theme was how partial disobedience is still total disobedience.
• 1:12:50
  And so basically it was how like Samuel told Saul that God said to fully wipe
• 1:12:56
  out the Amalekites, right?
• 1:12:58
  And so Saul went in and did what he thought. He only partially obeyed.
• 1:13:03
  He captured the king and like took like the best animals instead of like killing them all.
• 1:13:09
  Kept some skulls for them. Yeah. He was supposed to get rid of the animals.
• 1:13:13
  He was supposed to get rid of everything.
• 1:13:15
  The king he was supposed to. And he didn't. He kept some stuff,
• 1:13:18
  you know, around thinking he knew what was best.
• 1:13:22
  So then hundreds of years later, he talked about in Esther, I think it was where Haman.
• 1:13:31
  Convinced the king to make it, this is like a different, you know, future, future years.
• 1:13:36
  He convinced the king to make it legal to kill women and children.
• 1:13:40
  Okay. And then also like to take all the Jews things on like a specific day of the year.
• 1:13:45
  And Haman was a descendant of that king that Saul did not kill.
• 1:13:51
  And so like when you, you know, when you talk back to, you think back of,
• 1:13:54
  of Samuel and Saul and how afterwards Samuel was like, bruh,
• 1:13:59
  like you're not the king no more. Like, we don't want you no more.
• 1:14:02
  You know what I mean? Because you didn't fully obey.
• 1:14:04
  And, you know, Saul probably thought he was doing what was best. Yeah.
• 1:14:10
  Like, I'm sure in his flesh brain, he thought this is the best idea.
• 1:14:18
  Like, yeah, I can keep this king. I can, like, make him tell me his secrets.
• 1:14:22
  I can keep all of his animals and we can sacrifice them.
• 1:14:25
  Like, I can keep all these possessions and, you know, sell them or do whatever.
• 1:14:29
  You know, like he in his brain, he thought this is this is what I should be doing.
• 1:14:33
  This is what the world would tell me I should be doing. You know,
• 1:14:36
  it makes no sense to go over there and just destroy everything because he didn't
• 1:14:41
  realize how many hundred years later that the descendant of that king would
• 1:14:48
  wreak such havoc, you know, on the people.
• 1:14:51
  And so I remember Chip saying like a quote from him. It says,
• 1:14:56
  when God calls you to be obedient, it may be because he wants to bless you,
• 1:15:00
  but it may be because he wants to bless you.
• 1:15:06
  It may be because he wants to bless a generation 300 years from now.
• 1:15:11
  And I think like in that moment in that church, I thought the first two,
• 1:15:17
  our first two kids were blessings for us.
• 1:15:19
  Right. And this one's going to be too, like, you know, children are blessings,
• 1:15:22
  like no matter what. Right.
• 1:15:25
  But we were, like, seeking a blessing with them. We were like,
• 1:15:27
  we're ready to start a family. We want these children.
• 1:15:30
  You know what I mean? And the third one, you know, just don't seem as sometimes.
• 1:15:35
  Like, it's just, you know, it comes with a lot more.
• 1:15:39
  It feels like more responsibility, more, just more. It's just more as a parent, you know?
• 1:15:44
  And so I remember in the church thinking, like, this isn't about me.
• 1:15:48
  Like this is about what this child might be for the kingdom or what that child,
• 1:15:55
  this child's child might be for the kingdom or whatever.
• 1:15:58
  And like, because we're worried about a dollar or, you know,
• 1:16:02
  or we're worried about our freedom in this, in this short,
• 1:16:06
  short time, we are, we are trying to like come up against like what God has for like us.
• 1:16:13
  Or the world. For generations, like, you know, for our, you know, our line of.
• 1:16:19
  I know, but what that what that that person or that line may mean for the world and his kingdom.
• 1:16:24
  And so, like, I don't know, I just not ever, you know, when you're weighing
• 1:16:29
  a decision like that, it is very selfish a lot of the time, you know,
• 1:16:33
  like you're thinking, can I and I'm still over here like last night.
• 1:16:36
  I'm like, just can we do this?
• 1:16:39
  You know, can I can I handle three? And, like, are we ever going to travel again?
• 1:16:44
  And, like, we're never going to be able to rent a Jeep again because Jeeps are only for four people.
• 1:16:49
  You know, just, like, the most irrational things. And it's just,
• 1:16:52
  like, it doesn't really matter when it's, like, that deep of a meaning and calling. Calling.
• 1:17:00
  So I was an absolute wreck in church, obviously.
• 1:17:04
  I immediately was, like, okay.
• 1:17:07
  Dude, like walking out of church. I don't even think I could wait.
• 1:17:10
  I'm like, I was like, what do you think about that sermon?
• 1:17:14
  Yeah. You usually wait till we get to the car to ask. And he was like,
• 1:17:18
  I mean, it was fine. What do you think?
• 1:17:20
  I think we got to go have a baby right now.
• 1:17:23
  It didn't strike me the same way it struck you in the minute, in the moment.
• 1:17:27
  But you also, I mean, had your own, you know, there were other things you were
• 1:17:31
  wrestling through, you know? Sure.
• 1:17:33
  And so that was that. Yeah.
• 1:17:37
  And it was like, we just surrendered it. I don't think, you know,
• 1:17:41
  I think, I hope this child never listens to this episode and is like,
• 1:17:46
  mom and dad really weren't about me.
• 1:17:48
  Because that's not how it is. We were open, obviously, to whatever the Lord had for us.
• 1:17:53
  But it just felt like it was a decision for us to make, like an act for us to follow on.
• 1:17:59
  And it was just hard to fully pull the trigger, yes, until we just did. Yep.
• 1:18:05
  And then I do know, I do know, ooh, the Lord be seeing me because I am anxious.
• 1:18:11
  And I know that he probably knew that I was already mentally in my head,
• 1:18:15
  like, okay, if we don't get pregnant by December, there's our sign.
• 1:18:18
  Yeah. We're going to get a vasectomy. This was July. Yeah.
• 1:18:21
  If it don't happen by December, call the doctor.
• 1:18:26
  Can't be 40 having a baby. No, no. And I really, truly, even in that moment, I'm like, the Lord.
• 1:18:32
  About me. He's not going to do it. We are not. All this that I've been through, you know.
• 1:18:38
  This is a test of obedience. See if we give it a shot. See if I'm going to obey.
• 1:18:43
  And then baby, we was pregnant in September. That was the fastest we've ever
• 1:18:49
  gotten pregnant with any pregnancy.
• 1:18:51
  And, you know, we were much more intentional with about the first few.
• 1:18:56
  You know You know what I mean?
• 1:18:58
  And so that's that. That's that. And I would love to hear how you felt like
• 1:19:05
  life has gone since that day, since we saw that positive test.
• 1:19:08
  I mean, it's been amazing. I've hated not being able to like kind of share it
• 1:19:13
  and all that kind of stuff.
• 1:19:14
  We're trying to, because I mean, we are older, more tests and things like that go with it.
• 1:19:19
  But yeah, I mean, we're, I don't know that, I don't know that we've been more
• 1:19:23
  excited. Yeah. You know what I mean?
• 1:19:26
  I think we're equally as excited. Having said all that stuff that we just talked
• 1:19:30
  about and went through, we're as equally as excited as we were with our first two.
• 1:19:35
  For sure. You know what I mean? Looking forward to it.
• 1:19:37
  Like, we feel more comfortable being parents. Like, we're ready to,
• 1:19:41
  like, have it again and, like, maybe slow it down a little bit.
• 1:19:44
  Enjoy it a little bit more.
• 1:19:45
  And I think, too...
• 1:19:48
  I almost feel like there was like a wall. Like I felt like there was a barrier
• 1:19:52
  for a lot of other things in our lives.
• 1:19:54
  Like there are some things that
• 1:19:55
  we won't share. We won't talk about today because it's not quite time.
• 1:19:58
  But some things we've been praying on, some things we've been really seeking
• 1:20:03
  answers for for a really, really long time.
• 1:20:05
  And it was like kind of absolutely freaking insane how the minute we said, OK, God, we'll obey.
• 1:20:14
  Like before we even saw the pregnancy test, when we just said like we'll obey. Yeah.
• 1:20:18
  They those those other things that are completely not related to having a baby
• 1:20:24
  have just unfolded unfolded.
• 1:20:28
  And I mean, after years, this has been a years and years and years of wrestling
• 1:20:32
  for us that that we've been like, Lord, just show us something,
• 1:20:35
  you know, and then it just has come so naturally and so easily. And.
• 1:20:42
  Just goes to show that God, I feel like God like sees us and he hears us.
• 1:20:46
  And I do, I do. I think he's going, good job.
• 1:20:50
  Finally, you did it. Here's a blessing. I'm so proud of you.
• 1:20:54
  Next time do it a little faster. Don't take five years next time.
• 1:21:00
  And so it's just been kind of a beautiful thing because, because with that comes
• 1:21:03
  a lot more contentment in our day to day.
• 1:21:06
  Even though like it's scary, like the, the worries about all the worries we've
• 1:21:10
  mentioned here about having a third Like, none of that's gone away.
• 1:21:13
  But I think we're just able to, like, sit in it comfortably and,
• 1:21:17
  like, more confidently and know that, like, okay, if God orchestrated all this
• 1:21:21
  hot mess, you know, to turn into what it has, he's got the rest. You know what I mean?
• 1:21:27
  And so I think for as many nights and as many days that I have been uncomfortable
• 1:21:35
  or wrestling with worries or,
• 1:21:38
  you know, I think it's absolutely wild to be on the other side of just one, like,
• 1:21:45
  total obedience decision and then just see how, like, my comfort in my day-to-day is here.
• 1:21:54
  Yeah. You know? Yep.
• 1:21:56
  I don't know, I'm like...
• 1:21:59
  Hey, God, couldn't you just send me a message and be like, if you'll just do
• 1:22:02
  this, then I'll just give you that rest in all them other areas of your life, you know?
• 1:22:06
  And he probably was and did. Yeah. And we were ignoring it. Probably.
• 1:22:10
  But I also do feel like I do feel like the timing was exactly right.
• 1:22:13
  I mean, it never isn't right.
• 1:22:15
  You know, right. But I feel like I don't I do think with three kids,
• 1:22:19
  I may have overlooked the presence and the calm and I may have allowed myself
• 1:22:24
  to default to who I am at my core, which is like anxiety.
• 1:22:29
  And rushing and worrying, you know, I do feel strongly that what all I went
• 1:22:34
  through this past year is going to serve me well as a mother of three and a
• 1:22:39
  business owner. There's no doubt.
• 1:22:40
  Like it is only going to, you know, and I think so that was very intentional, you know, so.
• 1:22:46
  I think that's, this is a long one. We went, you're like ready to go. I can tell.
• 1:22:50
  Well, we got a birthday party this afternoon.
• 1:22:53
  Okay. So we got to go, but yeah, I think, I
• 1:22:56
  think the overall message I know that was
• 1:22:59
  just a bunch of our personal beeswax out here and you know
• 1:23:02
  that's not really always the theme of my life
• 1:23:05
  but I always interweave it in our in these episodes and so
• 1:23:07
  I think if I could say anything about it it's just that surrender is where it's
• 1:23:14
  at like surrender to it all right like I surrendered to go into Austin I surrendered
• 1:23:19
  to you know just letting this health stuff play out even though it really really
• 1:23:23
  really really really sucked you know,
• 1:23:26
  surrendered to like the words that the Lord used through other people for me
• 1:23:31
  and for us as encouragement, you know, instead of like kind of brushing things
• 1:23:35
  off or acting as if they're not, you know, relevant.
• 1:23:39
  I think surrender is like what was the biggest game changer for all of it,
• 1:23:43
  you know? Yeah, no doubt.
• 1:23:47
  So that's all, folks. Thanks for thanks for coming on and talking to a lot about
• 1:23:52
  me. You're welcome. Enjoy.
• 1:23:57
  I had fun. I did. I mean, because it was a lot of, that was a lot of life. It is a lot of life.
• 1:24:03
  That we went through. That was a year. Like, oh, yeah.
• 1:24:06
  So. Yeah. It's, like you mentioned, it's very comforting to be on the other side of it.
• 1:24:12
  Yeah, we laugh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We talk about it and laugh and whatever now.
• 1:24:16
  But like those days, a lot of those days were really, really hard. For sure.
• 1:24:20
  For you to like watch me trying to navigate through. Yeah. And it's actually,
• 1:24:24
  for me, it's just like really wild to think about. It was only a year ago.
• 1:24:28
  And I feel like a whole entire different person.
• 1:24:32
  And so then it's like, golly, who am I going to be next year?
• 1:24:36
  I mean, you know, that's wild to think about.
• 1:24:38
  A mom of three. A mom of three with lots of peace and presence.
• 1:24:43
  And also a baby who sleeps through the night. And, you know,
• 1:24:46
  like, yeah, those are the things I'm claiming over myself.
• 1:24:50
  A baby who sleeps through the night. There we go. anyways all right
• 1:24:53
  y'all thank y'all for tuning in on this super super
• 1:24:56
  long episode and feel free
• 1:24:59
  to reach out if any of this resonated with you i know a lot of us are in stages
• 1:25:04
  of just dysregulation and it's really hard to even think about what it could
• 1:25:08
  look like to find yourself regulated and i would love to chat with you if it's
• 1:25:12
  something you want to talk more about as always y'all say grace thank you for.