Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S4 Ep21: "Laughing from the Sidelines" 🤣

Transcript

S4 Ep21: "Laughing from the Sidelines" 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: My last young day was last Christmas.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_01: Played basketball in somebody's backyard, got fouled, ran into a wall, damn near killed myself.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: And I thought I had saved myself because I saved my face with my arm.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_01: I saved my face with my arm.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: But when my arm hit the ground, that bitch sound like transformers just said, My brain said, get the fuck up off the ground, nigga.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: My arm said, if you get us up off the ground, you gonna have to put us in your pocket, nigga, cause we are dumb.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_01: I got right up off the ground and went right to the hospital.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: Now, white people, I know that don't sound amazing.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: If you get hurt, you supposed to go to the hospital.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: But as a nigga, if you get up off the ground and go directly to the hospital, that means you thought you was finna die that day.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: I was in the hospital looking at the doctor in the eye.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: I was holding my arm like a baby.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_01: I said, I don't know what you finna do.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_01: But every time I blink, it feels like somebody's tearing my arm out the socket.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_01: He said, Don't worry, I'ma put you on some medication.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_01: I said, wait a minute, with all due respect, I've been smoking the best weed in the country, and medication is not gonna do.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_01: He said, you do your job, let me do my job.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_01: He wrote me out two prescriptions.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_01: One for Tramadol and one for Percocks.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: I know if y'all done had them separately, but if you take them bitches together, we're gonna make you a superhero in this place.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: Walking around looking for small crimes, saying shit no nigga has ever said before.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_01: Shoot me right in the chest.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_01: Shoot me right in the chest.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: I ain't gonna feel it.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: I can't feel shit.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: But you have to be careful.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_01: Your doctors give you all that strong ass motherfucking medication.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_01: They don't tell you what the fuck it's gonna do when they all get together.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_01: You don't believe that ass Tiger Woods.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_01: Tiger's in the police department looking like a baby giraffe and shit.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: One, two, three, four times.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_12: When do you ask a professional athlete for his autograph after a home playoff loss?
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_12: And I think the answer is never.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_12: Thankfully, one of my friends doesn't think this way.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_12: It is my favorite thing that's happened in my adult life, okay?
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_12: One of my buddies, he lives in Cincinnati.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_12: He is a big Cincinnati Bengals fan, okay?
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_12: Now, yeah, I know.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_12: They're tough.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_12: So he goes to their game, they lose, which isn't weird, and then he decides he's gonna wait in the tunnel and ask players for autographs.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_12: Now, if you're like me, you might be wondering, wait, are you friends with like an eight-year-old boy or something?
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_12: No, it's a grown man.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_12: So picture me in the tunnel of the stadium, like, hi guys, keep your head up.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_12: Can I have an autograph?
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_12: And he said they were all like, no.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_12: And some of them were like, fuck you.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_12: Imagine your heroes being like, fuck me.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_12: Oh my god.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_12: And then Adam Pac-Man Jones walked out of the locker room.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_12: Now, if you don't follow football and you're like, I don't know who that is, well, how can I best describe him?
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_12: Um, one time he went to a strip club and a bunch of people got shot.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_12: And then that happened two more times.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_12: What's up?
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_12: I'll give you a sense of his vibe as bang bang, babang, bang, bang, babang, bang, bang, bang, bang.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_12: He is not approachable.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_12: So my honky ass friend.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_12: The biggest honky in America goes, Pac-Man.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_12: Will you sign this football?
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_12: And he said, Pac-Man went, What?
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_12: Which to me would have been like, oh, so you don't?
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_12: Alright, cool.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_12: My friend just decides to make it more clear.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_12: He's like, it's a football, and you play it.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_12: I just watched you.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_12: Uh will you sign this?
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_12: And he said, Pac goes, the fuck did you say to me?
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_12: Which now I'm like, why are you still there?
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_12: He's like, I think because I'm actually shedding myself as it happens.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_12: But now he knows he's got one shot.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_12: Pac walks right up to him, like, what'd you say?
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_12: And my friend, he just goes, Look, man, it's a football.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_12: It's for my dad.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_12: And my dad loves you.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_12: And he said, Pac-Man looked at him and he said, Tell that motherfucker I appreciate him.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_12: That's the end of the story.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_05: I'm happy for the men that they can have like sort of ways to blow off some steam.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_05: Like, I think it's so sweet how they have their sports.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_05: I think that's so darling.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_05: How they have their football teams.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_05: I think that's funny.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_05: That's so sweet.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_05: And I love football because um I don't like to watch it at all, but I love to imagine things about it.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_05: Um, and what I like to imagine is that um all of the men have decided to be on a team, of course, because they're best friends.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_05: And they love to be best friends, and that's why they wear the same outfit and get together on a strict schedule to put on the same outfit and then go rush after the toy.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_05: Oh my goodness, how darling.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_05: Um, and that I like to imagine them in their locker rooms where they keep their underclothes, and they're standing in there, and it's like Tom Brady, and he's standing there next to Gronk, and they're holding hands because they're super nervous.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_05: So nervous about their game.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_05: And then Tom looks at Gronk and he's like, Gronk.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_05: If I get the toy, I'll give it to you.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_05: And then Gronk looks at him and he's like, You're my best friend, Tom.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_05: Good luck today.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_05: Come on.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_05: And then Tom's like, thank you so much.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_05: So sweet, so darling.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_05: And then they all go out there on the lawn and they rush after the toy and then they fall down in a big pile.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_05: And I think it's very, very important that also they put their tender little penises and balls into cubs.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_05: Because it would be very, very bad if something were to happen to their penises and balls while they were playing their game.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_05: Haven't figured out how to make their hats work as well, but just as long as their penises and balls are safe.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_05: Oh, those tender penises and balls.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_05: When they get bumped, it really hurts.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_03: Took us 400 years to figure out as a people.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_03: That white was weeping us the whole time.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_03: Was kneeling during their national animal.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_03: That's a brittle spirit.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_03: That's right, nigga.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_03: On the rock is regular.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_03: Ah, ah, what are you doing, nigga?
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_03: Stand up.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_03: The vice president of the United States got involved.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_03: Mike Pence got involved.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_03: He went to the game himself.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_03: These niggas will have to stand when they stand there.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_03: And all them football players looked up in the stands and saw Mike Pence.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_03: I said, Mike Pence, come on, y'all.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_03: Woo tang.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_03: Foiled.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_03: Brittle spirit.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_03: I can kill every white person in America at one time.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_03: You know how I'd do it?
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_03: I would just wait for the Super Bowl.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_03: And right when they sang the national anthem, I'd have OJ Simpson walk to the 50-yard line.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_03: Them bad knees.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_03: Is that OJ Simpson on the field?
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_03: What the hell is he doing here?
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, I know what he's gonna do.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_03: Stop him!
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: No more parents at Little League games.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: We've tried it, it doesn't work.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: Children's recreational sports were started for kids to have fun.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: It is the grown-ups that took the fun out of it.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: Seriously, parents, no more.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: Serious.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: Parents, no more yelling at the coaches.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: The coaches are not the reason your child is not gonna play professional sports.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: Your genetics are the reason your child is not gonna play professional sports.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: And no more trophies for everybody.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: No more not keeping score.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: So seriously, no matter how badly you don't want to hurt somebody's feelings, the truth in life is there are winners and there are losers.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't believe me, let's get in my car and go to Walmart after midnight.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_04: I go to her softball practice one day.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_04: Now, you gotta remember, I live in LA.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_04: I don't live in Philly like you guys.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_04: We do things differently out there.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_04: The coach is practicing without a ball.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_04: He doesn't want to introduce failure this early in the season.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_04: Hey, hey, hold on.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_04: Someone's gotta make the snowflakes, people.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_04: He's got them out there, no ball.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_04: I'm like, are you fucking kidding me?
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_04: No ball, all in position.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_04: All right, ladies.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_04: Rudders on first and second.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_04: Ground ball to Lily.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_04: Lily Fronskin at third base feels it perfectly.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_04: Stands on third, throws it a second, she catches it, throws it to first.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_04: Triple play, girls, bring it in, triple play.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_04: By the way, I'm on the side going, this is the first triple play I've ever seen.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_04: Then the other part of me is like, where's the fucking ball?
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_04: And that's when one of the moms tells me, Oh, coach doesn't want to introduce failure.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_04: I'm like, Are you fucking kidding me?
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_04: My daughter's in center field.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_04: Coach is like, All right, base is loaded, fly ball to Isla.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_04: And I watch my daughter immediately start backing up, then look over her head and start running.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_04: Who fails in their own imagination?
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_04: Everyone's cheering her on.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_04: I'm like, there's no fucking ball.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_04: Then I watch her throw her glove in the air, like, fuck it, and walk away from the play.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_04: I called my wife immediately, I go, you are never gonna believe what your moron daughter just did.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_04: And we laughed hysterically for a minute, and then my wife stopped.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_04: She goes, Yo, don't make fun of her for this.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_04: I go, Are you being serious?
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_04: She goes, No, this is her beautiful little brain.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_04: I don't want to break it.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_04: I go, I think it's broken.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_04: I just watched her not catch nothing.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_06: Yeah, if you're under 25, you've grown up in a world of constant scandal, constant scandal, because of the internet and technology, every everything's out on the street now.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_06: There's a new scandal every three days.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_06: I like the sports ones.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_06: The last decade's been crazy for that, like Oscar Testorius, Tiger Woods, Donald Sterling.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_06: The one that got me the most though was um Lance Armstrong.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_06: Because here's the thing about Lance Armstrong, they've made some really good documentaries about him.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_06: There's one actually on Netflix called Stop It Nothing.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_06: So going in the movie, I kind of thought, we all thought about Lance Armstrong, which is maybe he's a piece of garbage, but now that I've seen the movie, it's way more complicated than that.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_06: Because look, he won the Tour de France seven times on drugs every time.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_06: But because of that, he was able to raise a hundred million dollars for cancer research.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_06: So say what you want about the guy, but he figured out a way to do drugs for charity.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_06: That must have been hard to resist, too.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_06: If someone came to me and was like, Neil, you can cure pediatric AIDS, but you don't have to do a ton of cocaine, I'd be like, let's help some kids, huh?
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_11: Who the fuck joins a group?
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_11: I'm gonna join a group.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_11: That's what I'm gonna do today.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_11: Go to meetings.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_11: Kind of a fucking loser.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_11: Right?
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_11: That's the same way I look at people laughing who got upset about, you know, Michael Sam, the gay football player, kissing his boyfriend when he got drafted.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_11: Everybody bitch moaning and complaining.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_11: It's like, dude, you know what?
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_11: That's what you get for watching the draft.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_11: All right.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_11: Now, once again, what kind of a fucking loser just sits there watching round after round.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_11: The Jets are up next.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_11: I think they need a quarterback.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_11: They need, they need to improve the defensive line.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_11: That's like going to a graduation ceremony where you don't know anybody who's graduating and just fucking sitting there.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_11: They're gonna have the whole list the next day.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_11: They'll have everybody who drafted who, when, fucking gonna sit there and watch that shit.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_11: Stupid interviews.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_11: Hey, you're a member of the Buffalo Bells.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_11: Uh, how does it feel?
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_10: Well, uh, you know, uh, it's a blessing.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_10: Uh uh, but thank God.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_10: Uh uh, I'm gonna try to do my best.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_10: It's a great organization.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_10: Uh uh same shit the last 80 guys said, so yeah.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_02: I'm a huge uh Vanderbilt fan.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_02: And a couple of us, you know, it's a storm is coming together.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_02: Uh I'm a I uh I did not go to Vanderbilt too.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_02: Vanderbilt asked me to say that.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_02: And I was like, I think people know, and they go, we do too, but just say it also.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_02: Uh Vanderbilt went to their first bowl game in football in like 20 years in 2008.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_02: And uh so we all go to it, we're very excited, it's at Tennessee Titans Stadium.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_02: So me and a bunch of buddies get together.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_02: We go tailgate, we get cornhole, a grill, like we're going, we're going all out.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_02: And my ticket was at Will Call.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_02: So I went, I was like, look, I gotta get my ticket, I'll be right back.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_02: So I go get my ticket, and before the lady gives it to me, she ripped it, which means you have to go in.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_02: And it was, I mean, a full three hours before the game starts.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, I don't want to go in yet, you know?
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_02: And she's like, you have to go.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_02: And I just walked in to just an empty stadium, 60,000 empty seats.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_02: I'm just I go to my seat, I don't even just go to a different, I went to like the one I'm supposed to go to, like a loser.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_02: The players are like in jeans, they're not even dressed yet.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, I'm real excited for the game.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_02: I like Star Room.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_02: They're like, oh, I didn't even know anybody was in here.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_02: Uh did you go to Vandy?
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, you would think with how early I'm here.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_02: But I also think if I went to Vandy, I wouldn't be in the situation that I'm in.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_02: I walked to the top of the stadium and just watched my friends tailgate.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_02: I just set up at the very top.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_02: And I was like, I'm already in, guys.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I decided to save her numbered seats.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_02: Uh nothing was open.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_02: I stood in front of a concession stand, like I was waiting for an iPhone to come out.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_02: Just that gate was down, and I'm just like already trying to figure out what I'm gonna eat.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_02: And they came and opened it, and one side got stuck, and I helped them.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_02: I go, I'll get that side.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_02: I helped them open it.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_02: They're like, Oh, do you work here?
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, I've been here a little bit longer than you have.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_02: So sports.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_07: They gotta like sports.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_07: My husband likes football.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_07: Football, football.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_07: The game is four hours long, followed by the two-hour after show, where the severely out-of-shape retired players sit around and talk about the game we just all saw.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_07: Because they have brain damage and it takes five of their collective memories to form one coherent memory.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_07: I love it.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_07: And then they have um their dad jokes, you know, they're like, that surely looks more like a Titan to me, Rick.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_07: It's like the male version of the view.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_07: They love that shit.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_07: And they're so ugly.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_07: All the men are so oh my god, they would never let a woman as ugly as Lou Holtz.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_07: Like I can barely talk to him.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_08: He's like, You're right, Lou.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_07: Salami is an underrated meat.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_07: Oatmeal's easy on the gums, Lou, you got that one.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_09: I went to a Knicks game with my good pals, Jon Stewart and Chris Rock, right?
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_09: So we went to this Knicks game, yeah, they're the best.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_09: And very hilarious that they hang out with me.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_09: Um it's really weird.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_09: Uh but I'm stoked because they're like, you know, heroes.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_09: So we're uh we're watching the game, and it's the game when Steph Curry breaks like the three-point record, right?
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_09: And I remember he broke the three-point record in like the first quarter, and just somehow how we were placed, because like he shot it from over there, and we mean John and Chris were under the basket.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_09: So, like, in the picture that everybody put out, that's like, here's him breaking the record.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_09: Us three are just like, like, we all look, we completely photobombed like his like whatever basketball card that's gonna be like forever.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_09: And it was such a good night, but it's just so weird because like since then, horrible things have happened to me and Chris.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_09: So, John Stewart, if you're watching, watch your fucking back.