Latest / RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way / Safe Enough to Say No: Reimagining Boundaries Without the Fear
Transcript
- Voiceover: [00:00:00] Rise Up Live Joy Your Way from emotional intelligence through cognitive distortions, certified life and wellness. Coach Kamini Wood is on a mission to help people see the magnificence of their own unique human spirit. Through these small bites of self visualization and self-confidence, you can have healthy relationships, success in business and career, and live the life you want to live, Rise Up Live Joy Your Way. Kamini Wood: Hi there, and welcome to another episode of Rise Up Live Joy Your Way, whether it's morning, afternoon, or evening. Thank you for spending some time with me. Now, if setting boundaries leaves you feeling guilty, shaky, or um, just emotionally on edge, I wanted to say you're not feeling at boundaries. You are just trying to use someone else's version of them. A version that assumes confidence comes easily when setting boundaries. A version [00:01:00] that assumes confrontation feels completely natural and also neutral. A version that assumes safety has always been there because for many people, boundaries don't feel empowering. They actually feel really nerve wracking and very destabilizing. Now, most boundary advice sounds like strength training, right? It says, okay, just learn to say no. Um, be firm. Hold the line, don't overexplain, and I'm gonna hold myself accountable. I've definitely used those terms before because you know, here's the truth. For some people, that absolutely works. But for people who learned early to stay agreeable, attuned, accommodating, that advice can actually feel like asking their nervous system to just go jump off a cliff. You're not afraid of having needs. You're afraid of what happens. After you name your needs. Right, and I know this very well because I absolutely struggled and still at times struggle with boundaries because that's what's happening is there's this, the nervous system is somewhat misaligned. There's that, [00:02:00] this lack of safety of having your own needs because with people, for histories of people pleasing of perfectionism, fawning, um, or they've had bad interactions with that emotional unpredictability of others, boundaries. Don't just set limits. What they actually activate is internal fear. Um, there's fear of conflict. There's fear of abandonment. There's fear of rejection. There's fear of this being misunderstood. There's definitely fear of being selfish or being difficult. So when someone says, just be direct, what's really happening to your nervous system? It, it's hearing, okay, you're gonna have to risk this connection. You're gonna have to risk this friendship. And that doesn't mean you don't want the boundaries. It just means your body doesn't totally trust that. If I try to set this boundary. It's gonna be okay. Uh, a lot of people internalize this though as a personal failure. Like I am just not good at boundaries, right? They think other people can say, [00:03:00] no, what the heck is wrong with me? Which is pretty shaming when you think about it. Or I know what I need, I just, why can't I state it? It must be I'm not confident enough, right? But confidence isn't the issue here. It's actually the fact that you don't feel your nervous system doesn't feel safe communicating. What works for you and what doesn't because, okay, here's the truth. Boundaries are not about dominance. They're not about winning. They're not about proving strength. They're not even about controlling the other person. Boundaries are about what your system can sustainably hold. They are information, they're not, they're not ultimatums. They're not telling somebody, here's my ultimatum, you need to do this. Boundaries are actually about. Being clear on what works for me and what doesn't. And so when boundaries are framed as power moves, people who value connection end up either avoiding them or just overcorrecting with some sense of rigidity. When boundaries feel unsafe, people often compensate by kind of like, I would say, like armoring up, right? They become [00:04:00] sharp instead of clear, or they become super rigid and tense instead of, um, connected with the other person, which means that they're, they're kind of detached when they're setting. Boundaries. And that's not confidence, that's protection. It's, it's a essentially a pendulum swing. So it's like not setting a boundary to now all of a sudden I'm gonna be super rigid with it. And that armor does keep us from feeling and keeps us distanced from other people. And so for people who are already afraid of disconnection, what ends up doing is that armor actually kind of fulfills that prophecy, right? It, it's like a self-fulfilling pro prophecy. Your nervous system asks one question before any boundary. It's asking, is this gonna cost me safety? Belonging or connection. And if the answer feels uncertain, the nervous system is gonna avoid the boundary entirely, or it's gonna over defend when it's crossed. Neither of those options feel good 'cause again, this is the pendulum swing, so that's why boundaries need to match where your nervous system. Like what the capacity is [00:05:00] not someone else's ad advice. And so that's why I say when I'm, when I'm talking to my clients about learning how to set boundaries when they haven't it, we take small actionable steps because they will compound in order to create the larger, the larger goal that we're setting. So notice this, when you imagine setting a boundary, what feels harder? The words themselves or the aftermath of what's gonna happen. Because there's a version of boundaries that rarely gets talked about. It's not loud, it's not dramatic, it doesn't require, you know, huge confrontation. It's built through the pacing. It's built through the consistency. It's built through choice, and these boundaries don't like. Come out and like announce themselves. They show themselves. So what do, what am I talking about here? What, what is this concept of these gentle boundaries? One example are time-based boundaries. You know, you don't have to decide something forever. You can decide for right now, this works for me for right now, and this does not, you know, um, [00:06:00] an example. I'll think about that and I will get back to you. Or I can do this, uh, I can do this next month and then I'm gonna need to reassess. A second example about a gentle boundary access based boundaries. Not everyone gets the same version of you. Some people might get immediate access, other people might get slower responses. That's not punishment, that's creating a gentle boundary. So, for instance, family members or your kids might get immediate access to you, but maybe a coworker doesn't always get immediate access. Maybe it's, it's based on when you have capacity to respond. And then energy based boundaries, you're allowed to choose what doesn't require recovery. So if something consistently leaves you feeling depleted or it's energetically costing you too much, you, you can just gently say no to that Now. Even with these gentle boundaries, I'll be transparent. Guilt may still show up. It's important to know that that doesn't mean that the boundary is wrong. [00:07:00] It means that your system is recalibrating, it's adjusting to the new pattern. Guilt is often a sign that you're doing something unfamiliar, not necessarily harmful, and it does invite the question, am I doing something that requires repair? Am I doing something that is hurting another person, like truly intentionally hurting them and I need to make repair? But a lot of times this is internal guilt because it is something that's unfamiliar. And a boundary doesn't need to be dramatic to be effective, right? We don't need to do these large swooping boundaries. In fact, when we're super intense about it, it can backfire. What builds trust, both internally and externally is consistency. Small repeated limits, teaching your system that boundaries do not equal. Abandonment, right? That consistency, and again, I say it over and over, that small changes will compound to make the larger change. So ask yourself, what's one boundary that I could practice consistently without feeling the need to defend it? [00:08:00] Now if a boundary leaves you exhausted, it's often because maybe you're overexplaining it or over defending it. Maybe you're spending a lot of energy managing the other person's reaction to the boundary, or you're trying to make it super painless for everybody. And the truth is, that's not boundary setting. It's performance, right? It's you trying to perform what a boundary would look like. True boundaries reduce emotional labor over time for many people. Kindness and compliance. Were survival strategies, right? Being kind meant less conflict, which meant safety. So you learned that being kind or easygoing, reduced conflict or preserve that sense of harmony. Um, it kept you included, right? I, I say this routinely, like people pleasing often gives us a sense of inclusion 'cause people are happy with us. So boundaries can feel like kind of leaving yourself or somehow abandoning yourself, but kindness without self-protection. It's actually Selfa abandonment, right? So [00:09:00] boundaries don't make you less kind. I mean, think of it this way. They don't make you less kind. They actually make your kindness long, sustainable, longer term. 'cause at their core boundaries are a way of building self-trust. They say. I recognize my needs matter. I can handle discomfort, connection can survive. Honesty, real connection will actually survive my honest communication of my needs. And it, and it's true, that takes time to shift into those beliefs. Now, if you struggled with boundaries, I really want you to hear this. I'm not saying you need to become colder and you don't need to become tougher and you don't need to become someone else. What we're talking about here is that boundaries actually create a sense of safety, and they do that when we have enough time to practice boundaries don't require you to put on some really tough armor. They really honor both your limits and, um, how you wanna show up in this world. And so when boundaries are built with care, [00:10:00] they really don't push people away. They bring you back to yourself. Now, if you'd like to talk with me more about, you know, how, and work through how coaching can help you. Set things like boundaries or just understand the patterns that have been holding you back, whether professionally or personally. I do invite you to book a time with me at anytime at coachwithkamini.com and until next time, stay well. Voiceover: Thank you for listening to Rise Up Live Joy Your Way. For more information, Book a chat with Kamini at www.chatwithKamini.com, or visit her website at www.kaminiwood.com. You can also find Kamini on Facebook or Instagram username, it's authentic me. Thank you for listening!