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Updating Your Relationship With Yourself After Divorce · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: Moving you from where you are to where you must want to be a life and love completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your right terms.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate where we explore all things, relationship and connection.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: And today I want to talk about our relationship with ourselves.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: So relationships are all about connection, right?
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the really interesting thing because relationships, even really healthy ones, can sometimes disconnect us from ourselves.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I really love this quote from Dr.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: Christiane Northrop.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: The primary relationship that needs updating at midlife is the one you have with yourself.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: The primary relationship that needs updating at midlife is the one you have with yourself.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I often think about this quote and think that the word midlife could really easily be dropped.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: Because the primary relationship we need to have, the first one we need to honour and nurture and prioritize at any stage of our life.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: Midlife, yes, but any stage is the relationship we have with ourselves.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: So regardless of what age or stage you're at, regardless of what stage of relationship you're at, what season of relationship you're in, the primary relationship we need to honour and nurture and prioritize is the one we have with ourselves.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: The excitement of entering a brand new, beautiful relationship, the challenge of that messy middle with small or big children, or the major upheaval that comes with a relationship transition, a separation, a divorce, these are all times when we can be tempted or enticed by circumstances to lose connection from ourselves, to lose the connection to ourselves, to lose our relationship with ourselves.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: These are all times or stages or seasons when we can be tempted to slide ourselves down the priority list, to become enveloped in the powerful emotions, either positive or negative, swirling around us and within us.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: If you're in that season of life and relationship where you've got young kids and you're working and you're trying to keep all the balls in the air and find some sort of balance, it's really easy to let all of those other things become priority.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: We slip down our own list of priorities and we lose connection to ourselves.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: We lose a little bit of the relationship that we have with ourselves just because we're caught up in the busyness of life, we're running on autopilot.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: That's a really easy season to lose sight of ourselves and lose a little bit of relationship with ourself.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: Or if we're in the newness of a relationship and we're all in in that beautiful honeymoon phase where all we want to do is be with our partner and uh share all the things and experience all the firsts, it's easy at that point to lose a little bit of connection with ourselves.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: So these transition seasons are times when we sometimes forget to devote any time to working on or maintaining or deepening, strengthening our relationship with ourselves.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: So it's a time to pause and ask yourself a few questions.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: Do you know what you need?
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: Do you do you know and like who you are and who you're growing into, who you're becoming?
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: Are there times when you do put yourself first?
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: What you need, what you want, what you desire?
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: You put that first.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: Are you honouring yourself by setting firm boundaries?
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: Are you listening to yourself?
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: Are you listening to that inner voice, to your intuition?
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: Or are you more focused on other people and things external rather than on yourself?
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: Have you lost a little bit of that connection to yourself?
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: Connecting with and really committing to building and nurturing a healthy relationship with yourself is really important whether you are calling in your next relationship adventure, whether you're blissfully and deeply in love with your partner.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yep, even then, and I reckon maybe especially then, or you're in that messy middle part, juggling kids, jobs, the dog, your in-laws, all the things.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: Or if you're transitioning out of a relationship and resetting, redefining, knowing who you are, what your values are, who and where you want to be in your future, how you want to show up in the world, how you want to spend your time and your energy, holding on to that inner compass, your inner peace, listening to your intuition, really reconnecting to yourself and updating your own relationship with yourself is super powerful.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, being in relationship with someone else, with another is a beautiful, powerful, wonderful part of life.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: And the relationship that you have with yourself underpins everything.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: It defines how you show up in your relationship with others.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: So I wanted to share with you some tips and strategies for building a beautiful, healthy, strong, and loving relationship with yourself.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: We often talk about, you know, tips and strategies for creating connection and building strong, loving relationship with others, but we don't often talk about that with regard to the relationship we have with ourselves.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: So here are some tips.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: Firstly, be committed.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: Nurturing any relationship takes time and effort, and the relationship you have with yourself is no different.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: It's a lifelong journey.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: Take it from someone who knows.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's a lifelong journey.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: Honoring, nurturing, and updating your relationship with yourself takes a conscious decision to be committed.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: It takes time, effort, and energy.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: Building that healthy, loving, robust relationship with yourself, just like with another person, takes time, effort, energy.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: So be committed.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: Secondly, choose you.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: Choose the relationship with yourself first.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: Choose you over all others.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I mean all others.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's the good old oxygen mask analogy.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: You cannot look after others if you don't have enough oxygen for yourself.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: You cannot have great healthy relationships with others if you don't have a great and healthy relationship with yourself.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: Take care of your own needs first.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: This isn't it's not selfish or self-centered.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: You can't give to others from an empty cup.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: And the same applies to relationships.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: You can't give to your relationship if you haven't already given to yourself.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: So choose you.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: Make sure you are taken care of first.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: And that means physically, with uh good nutrition, sleep, rest, exercise, also emotionally, mentally, energetically.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: Where and how are you feeding yourself?
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: Choose you.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: Next, check in with yourself regularly.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: Just as you would check in with your friends or your family to see how they are, what's happening in their lives, with your partner, with your kids, so too we need to check in with ourselves.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's just not possible to choose you to be committed if we don't check in with ourselves.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's simply not possible to tend to what we most need if we don't know what that is, or we don't recognise when our needs aren't being met.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: So ask yourself on a regular basis how am I today?
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: What do I need more of?
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: What do I need to let go of?
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: Or what do I need less of?
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: Schedule this time to check in to reassess and reset your self-care.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: Check in with yourself regularly.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: Be your own best friend.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: Check in and make sure you're doing okay and where things need tweaking and adjusting, do those tweaks.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: Number four is similar to number three, but it's tend to your inner world.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: Make time to connect with whatever you call it, your inner spirit, your intuition, your essence, your soul, whatever you call it.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: Make time and space to check in with your inner spirit.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: There are countless ways to connect with and tend to your inner world.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: For you, it might be meditation, it might be yoga, journaling, spending time in nature, sitting still in silence, playing or listening to music, walking, swimming, whatever it is.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: Make time for this connection to the inner rather than the outer noise of or the noise of the outer world.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: This is really as important as any other fuel: food, water, air, any of the other fuels we fill ourselves with.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: You need to feed your inner world.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: So make that time to tend to your inner spirit, your essence.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: Surround yourself with love.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: Actively choose to surround yourself with people who uplift you, people who love you and treat you with kindness, with compassion, with respect, but also people who already have or are actively working towards building a positive relationship with themselves.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: So choose to surround yourself with people who are already doing or being and showing up in the world the way you want to.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: Let them be your role models and also your cheerleaders.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: And if there are relationships which don't feel loving and supportive, ask yourself how you can shift those.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: Do you need to extract yourself from them?
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: Do you need to set firmer boundaries?
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: So surround yourself with people who are living that connected life.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: They're living a life connected to themselves and their own truth.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: And surround yourself not only with people you love and who love and uplift you, but also things you love, things that bring joy into your world, things that help you connect to that inner spirit we talked about.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: These don't have to be expensive or extravagant things.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: They can be as simple as a flower you picked from your mum's garden or a favourite piece of music.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: But surround yourself with love and things that uplift you and foster that connection to your inner self, your inner spirit.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: I mentioned earlier being a good friend to yourself, and part of that is your inner voice.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: My sixth point in reconnecting or updating your relationship with yourself is being a good friend to yourself and tending your inner voice.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: That inner voice can be harsh and critical.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: So challenge it if you need to.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: Treat yourself and speak to yourself just as you would your best friend or your child.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: Speak gently, compassionately, with a bit of grace and a good slap of good humour.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: Forgive yourself as you would someone else if they make a mistake.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: Encourage yourself, celebrate your achievements.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: If you've made a mistake, have a laugh, forgive yourself, move forward.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: And if you've achieved a milestone, celebrate yourself.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: Be a really good friend to yourself.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: Speak gently, kindly, and compassionately and try and push, not push down, but try and reset that inner voice if it becomes harsh and critical.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's difficult to have a really close connected relationship to and with yourself if you speak harshly and critically to yourself all the time.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: So reframe your inner voice, be a good friend to yourself.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: Number seven, recognize and release any barriers.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: And what I mean simply by this is get out of your own way.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: Being too busy for updating your relationship with yourself is a barrier.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: Putting everybody and everything else first is a barrier.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: Blaming others, your work, for sucking up your time or your energy is a barrier.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: Telling yourself, I'll do it later, I'll do it when.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: Recognize what yours are, get to know how they show up for you, and then gently break them down and step back towards a deeper connection to yourself.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: So recognizing and releasing yourself from the barriers.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: Get the hell out of your own way.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: And finally, embrace your imperfections.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: We tend to have unconditional love for others.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: We tend to be blind, a little blinded by love for our kids, our family, our friends, and sometimes even our partner, but we're not often quite so compassionate with ourselves.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: So embrace your imperfections.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: Get curious.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: Sure, recognize and work on your weaknesses or your flaws, but accept them as part of your whole.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: We need the shadow just as much as we need the light.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: So work on those parts with self-compassion.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: Embrace your perfect imperfections as part of your journey, part of you, part of your whole.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: We all have those shadowy parts.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: So embrace yours and choose to step closer to yourself, step into your light, knowing that those shadows are just one part of the glorious whole lot of women that you are.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: So, top to bottom, my tips for updating your relationship with yourself, be committed, choose you, check in with yourself regularly, tend to your inner world, surround yourself with love, be a good friend to yourself, recognize and release your barriers and embrace your imperfections.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: And when you drill down under all of this, it's really, really simple.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: You are the foundation, you are the scaffolding.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: It means that you bring you, the authentic you, into all of your relationships.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: Make the foundation, your relationship with yourself.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: Make it strong and sure and true and anchored in exactly who you most want to be and how you want to show up with the world.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: Build the rest of your life and all of your other relationships around that strength, around that relationship, that core relationship with yourself.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: Make a little promise to yourself to take care of you in the very best way that you can every single day, regardless of the season of your relationship, regardless of where you are in your journey, reconnect to yourself, update your relationship with yourself because that leads you to better relationships with others.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: Knowing who you are, being connected to who you are enables you to show up exactly as you are and build relationships deeply based in truth.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm going to end this episode by taking my own advice.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_00: So I share that with you, and I invite you to also embrace your imperfections and to explore how you can update and deepen and strengthen your relationship with yourself.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you, lovelies, for hanging out with me, sharing space and exploring how we can update our relationship with ourselves.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at ReflectCoaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love this episode, please, please share it with me.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love them.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next month for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberation.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: Until then.