Latest / Life Rescue with Lisa Dwoskin / Blended Families are Hard, Here is How to Navigate Without Losing Yourself
Transcript
- Lisa Dwoskin: Hello and welcome back to Life Rescue Podcast with me, Lisa. Hello everybody. Peace, love and light on this beautiful day that we are so blessed with. So let's start with our usual breathing. This time I'm going to bring my arms all the way up. Breathe, breathe, breathe, peace, love and light. Exhale any negative energy and then hold in prayer position. I'm gonna close my eyes. Breathing in peace, love and light. Exhaling out any stress, fear or worry. Breathe in beautiful positive energy. Exhale any negative energy. Hello, hello, hello. Don't forget to call in on my line 754-222-4413. Thank you all who have called in and left me messages and texts and just letting me know about yourself, what you want to talk about or any kind of topics. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I hope everybody is having a beautiful and blessed. day to day, I'm looking all around because there's different things that I'm seeing. So with that in mind, there's like flashes. It's really cool. And I want to bring something up about that. I am all about crystals. Can you see my bracelets, my shopper like bracelet over here, I have amethyst and rose quartz, unconditional love. Here are more amethyst on positive energy and getting rid of negative energy and bringing in beautiful positive energy. So I just saw a little bit of flashes around. That was pretty cool. Just made me think that when I get ready for these podcasts, I like to surround myself with positivity, with high vibing. Woo! Yes, I'm going to do that in every video. scream and raise my energetic vibe. But also as you can see behind me, waterfall, amethyst, candles. Over here I have my little Tibetan bowl, more amethyst, Buddha, candles. Surround yourself with things that make you feel good. Because these are all things that make me feel good. They uplift me. They give me positive vibes and I love feeling them. So today I'm going to jump right in. Today's podcast is about, da da da, blended families. Blended families for those of you out there who have been divorced, which most of you have been, you're on your second marriage, third marriage, whatever you're doing. And, you know, before I jump into that, I have to tell a funny story. I've been married one time in my life. And when I was engaged to my fiance, the father of my children, we owned a gym. We're running a huge gym and spa and salon. We had like 2000 people members, I'd say 500 or more people a day coming into the gym. And I remember the two of us being behind our like juice bar where the entrance of our gym was and we were happy, engaged. Our wedding was like six months away. And one member said, come here you guys to both of us. He said, I just want to say, since this is your first marriage and he started to give us advice. And I was so insulted. Like, what does this guy mean? Our first marriage. I'm so insulted. I'm getting married one time in my life. This was when I was like, I think 29, 30 when we got married and, I'm to be married forever. And what is this guy talking about? And now fast forward 25 years later. Do marriages really work? Do they last? That's another episode. But it's sad to say that I believe the divorce rate is like 60, 75%. So let's just say there are many couples out there that are now getting together that have children from previous marriages. So that's why this topic today is about blended families. What works and what doesn't work and what I personally, Lisa, have learned in my blended family of six years, we made it. And I think, I pray, we're past the hardest part of the blended family. So. I'm going to jump right into this topic because it's a good one. And I have to say it is one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life, blending the family. And it does not come with a manual. There is no manual, just like there isn't many manuals on parenting. I mean, you can Google it, you can chat GBT it, but you have to kind of learn as you go. So let me briefly tell you, I've discussed my partnership with my Divine Life partner, Brian. We've been together six years. He was living in Oregon. I was in Florida. We met, we got together. We dated long distance for one year before we all moved in. Very important, I have to say. We got a new house for all of us to move in because I didn't want... Brian and his son moving from Oregon into our house because my kids were older and I didn't want them feeling like territorial. And I don't believe that I would have wanted to move into his house because the same thing would have occurred. So we decided we got a new house. We rented a house, a nice big four bedroom house. It was beautiful. Now we have an even better home that. We have a bigger yard and a pool and it's a really nice family home. But this particular home, when we all moved in, it was exciting the first maybe three to six months. And then it went crash and burn. Blended families. Okay, so quick background before I jump in here to my ⁓ outline that I have. His son was turning five years old from a divorced family, obviously, and his mother wasn't in the picture. She was, but not in person. So they would talk on the phone, but they really didn't see each other. So I became a full-time mom of a five-year-old. Meanwhile, my kids were 15 and 16, or turning 15 and 16. So now, I was with my children for nine years alone without anyone but the three of us living together. So the three of us were like the three musketeers. And now they're at that beautiful age of 15, 16, teenage years right in the heart of it. And now they are living with their mom for nine years alone. And now here comes another man. into the house that's not their father plus his child is five years old. Imagine that my kids were excited a little bit but not too much. Now the little one the five year old was very excited because his mom wasn't in the picture so I he was not only moving to Florida getting a brother and a sister but a bonus mom so that was pretty cool for him. It did not mesh well with all five of us together. Not at all. Because Brian was freshly in the process of getting divorced. think he did divorce before he moved to Florida, right? Like maybe three months before. It was a long process. And I had been divorced, like I said, for like nine years. So it was a little bit chaotic. So needless to say, we did not mesh very well because Brian was making up for the mother and father role together. So he was spoiling the little one who would sit on the couch, snap his fingers. Where's my pizza daddy? And daddy would run, give him the pizza when he was done with the pizza. Daddy, I'm done. And Brian would run and oh my God. And my kids and I are looking at this little. King on a throne who was five years old, like, what is this? But on the flip side, now Brian's looking at my 15 and 16 year old, which were out of control. My 16 year old son had major anger issues. My daughter was dating a crazy boyfriend and it was total chaos and Brian's head was spinning like, what did I get myself into? So yeah. It wasn't good, but we made it through. And that's what we're going to talk about today. How did we make it through and how did our not so perfect life turn a little bit more imperfectly perfect? Okay. So let's talk about the reality of, whoops, sorry, I'm shaking the table here. The reality of blended families. So different parenting styles we're going to talk about. Loyalty conflicts, that was a big one. Huge. The kids felt torn, like they wanted to get along with Brian, but he wasn't their father and they had animosity. And my son was 16, so he felt like he was the man of the house for nine years. Now this other man comes in who's not his father. And then my daughter was closer with Brian, but then she had guilt feelings because her father was in the picture and she didn't want to like, you know, it was a whole just many, many different conflicts. So the kids feeling torn, even the little one who his mother wasn't seeing him, but he was talking to her on the phone and then he was not understanding why his mother wasn't with them. And now I'm like the new mom. So discipline differences. Wow. Huge. We had such different discipline skills. And I think both Brian and I both lacked disciplining our kids like a little harsher the way they should have been because we were both overridden with guilt of being a single divorcee parent. So a lot of things going into the mix. Emotional triggers. ⁓ wow. Huge one. Brian had so many emotional triggers and I had so many from our past relationships and now we bring all that baggage in to our blended family. Brian was going through a lot, I was going through a lot. We're trying to be strong for the kids, the kids are going through a lot and it was just like, woo, total chaos. Okay, so here's the good news. Love does bring you together. but it doesn't automatically blend the family. No way, Jose, it doesn't. Okay, the biggest mistake that we made, and this is the key message of the whole show, trying to take on the role of the parent instead of the step-parent. Now, this is funny because we ended up going to church and meeting a guidance counselor, I guess I would call him. He wasn't really a psychologist. He was like a family counselor who helped blended families and who would help families there at the church. We were getting desperate by, I'd say, the sixth month in when things were just totally going crazy. So this particular guidance counselor told us exactly what I just said. He said, don't take on the role as a parent being more of a step parent. And Brian and I did not agree with that because I was taking on the role of being Reese's full-time mom because his mom wasn't with us physically in the picture. I jumped in with my empath personality and my nurturing, my motherhood, you know, that I am a great mother to my kids. So let me be this little boy's mother. And I jumped in a hundred percent. Well, that was a big mistake on my part, on Brian's part, on the whole family's part. So overstepping. trying to discipline too soon and not building trust first. Now with the little one, because he was five, that wasn't a problem too much, but it became a problem for me because I was like overwhelmed with taking on too much. And Brian saw that I wanted to take on a lot. So he kind of stepped back, which was me enabling him. And then him allowing me and it just did not work. So let me tell you all watching, if you're going into a blended family, do not think that you have to become the instant parent of your new blended family. No, no, no. Be the step parent. Trust me. That's where we really messed up because Brian was more, kind of like laid back kind of in the background a little bit as being the parent of my kids because they were older. And he knew if he came in strong with them, they would just totally resist. So he wasn't trying to become their parent right away. But when my son who had the anger issues would start exploding, then Brian would try to hold it in and hold it in. at some point, He was like, no, this is not going to happen in this house because I'm a man. I'm in love with your mother. You're being disrespectful and having anger issues and it needs a stop. And then what happened was my son at 16 started building resentment. And then Brian was building resentment because he couldn't really act how he really wanted to act if it was his biological son. So Instead of going on and on and on, just trust me when I tell you don't take on the parenting role. Be the step parent. Let the real parents step up and continue to parent their own kids. Even though you want it to be our kids, it doesn't work that way. So don't try to make that happen because you'll run into the problems we ran into. This is another very important key. You can't step in. to a parenting role before you build a relationship with the child of your blended family. So Brian was working a lot and very stressed out and dealing with emotional issues from his divorce that he was pretty much going through three months prior. So he was trying to take on the role as a parent. but he wasn't really building the relationship with my two kids because they were running around like crazy teenagers without like a chicken without a head. He was trying to cope and deal with his son of being a full-time parent, 100 % custody, and then moving to a new state, getting a new job. It was so many different pieces to the puzzle. trying to move everything around that he wasn't able to really build a solid relationship with my kids. But then he wanted them to accept him as their step parent and it kind of we all are forcing it a little bit too much and it wasn't working. So just be patient, take your time and build the relationship before you try to become the parent. even the step parent, just maybe be a friend at the beginning. So what actually does work? Let's talk about that. Building the relationship first, like what I just said, connection before correction. That is huge. Connect with the children first before you try to correct or discipline. Let the biological parent lead the disciplinary. It avoids resentment. Trust me, we made that mistake. And now even we've been living together now for five years. And even now I'm the main disciplinary for my two kids and he's the main disciplinary for his son. Do we intertwine and have opinions? We do. But when it comes to that solid, hard, tough love disciplinary, do it with your own kids, not with your blended kids. Okay. Trust me. I'm going to keep repeating the same thing because we made that mistake. I don't want you to make the same mistake. Communicate privately with your partner. That was something Brian and I were really good at. We would never throw each other under the bus in front of our kids. Stay united. That was another thing we kind of didn't do too well. We tried to be united, but it was very difficult because he would get very defensive. I would get very defensive. And then it was like a tug of war. So if I would have just stopped trying to disciplinary discipline. his son and he wouldn't discipline my two kids, we wouldn't have had that kind of tug of war. So when you do it nice and slow and patient and you communicate, you're still gonna have issues, trust me. But they might be a little bit less than what we endured over the first couple of years. I'd say the first three years. If you can make it past three years, you're doing good. Trust me. So, okay, next, create clear but respectful boundaries. Not control, but structure. There has to be a structure among all of the families. So there's five of us. We tried to create a structure, but we weren't so great at that. We had zero boundaries. That was our biggest issue. And now in year five of living together, I'd say four five, we finally realized, wow, we really need boundaries. Now our little one is 10. And then we have 19 and 21. And we're all still living together. But we're finally Brian and I are finally setting good clear boundaries and more of a structure that came like year four. So if we would have done that a little sooner, that would have helped to patience. This is a huge one. Have patience because blending takes time. And I can say I'm the number one person to blame for trying to force everyone to get along and force people to talk and force the relationships. If I could rewind and do it again, I would be more patient and not try to force everyone to get along. So the pros of a blended family is it's the positive pros, more love to go around an expanded family, growth and learning and deeper emotional awareness. And I can tell you, even the little one, the 10 year old and my 19 and 21 year old, we are really becoming emotionally aware of each other's feelings and our own. So that's a that's a pro positive part of blended families. And when it works, which is finally working now, it creates something really beautiful. It really does because my two kids, their dad remarried and has a son. And they they're close with their dad, but you know, they're there was a time where they weren't as close. And so it was nice for them to have Brian as a role model. And then the little one Reese, like I said, he hasn't seen his mom in six years. So he has a mom in me and I don't force him to call me mom or even think of me as his mom, even though he does, I always talk about his mom in a positive way. So he he's blessed to have two moms. a biological mom and a mom who's physically raising him on a daily basis. So those are pros. Okay, so again, I'm gonna go through this really quick, because I don't wanna keep going on and on. I have talked about it, but I'll just bullet point them now. What not to do. Like I just said, don't force the relationships with everybody. Be patient, let them... Flow, let them naturally organically develop. Don't compete with the other parent. Just stay in your own lane. Don't expect instant respect from your blended children. Don't expect instant respect because it doesn't happen. And don't undermine your partner. Okay, those are very important keys. So when I say don't, expect instant respect. Like I said before, if you build a connection with your blended children, then they'll learn how to respect you because they're going to see that you actually care about them and that you want them in your life. And then they're going to be more receptive and receptive to you. let me tell you, parents out there with blended families, no matter what age the child is. If you don't put the effort in, they are not going to put the effort in. They're kids. They're confused. They have guilt. They have conflicting feelings. They have a parent that they don't want to hurt or go against. So you as the parent, you need to put in the extra time and effort. to show the child that you want them in your life and you're willing to give them your time and attention and therefore they will learn how to respect you and connect with you and hopefully love you the way that you're going to love them. So I have made many mistakes like I've told you. I have learned from so many of the mistakes And like I said, what I would have done differently, I wouldn't have jumped in a hundred percent of becoming the little one's mom and starting to discipline and taking over that whole role model. I would have, yes, I would have loved him. Yes, I would have been there in a motherly role, but I would have taken a backseat to his father and let his dad raise him and be there as a mother figure. kind of like on the back end instead of right front and center the way that I did. And again, like I said, I wouldn't try to force everyone to get along the way I did because I'm the life coach, I'm the empath, I'm the nurture and I'm always wanting everyone to get along and be kind and be happy and that's not reality. It doesn't work like that. So what I can share with all of you, what I've learned. the most important lesson is when I sat back and allowed everyone to be who they are and let them come together in their own time, that's when it started to work a lot better. So definitely have patience and allow each and every one of them, because they're each individuals, no matter what their age, let each and every one of them around and connect when they're ready to do so. Okey-dokey. So to end my beautiful episode on blending families, blending a family is not about perfection. It's about patience, respect, and learning as you go and learning as you grow. That's the most important thing. So just to summarize what we talked about really quick again, bullet points, relationship before authority, build that relationship, support your partner, don't replace them. Boundaries create safety, not distance. Boundaries, very important. They create safety, not distance. Don't rush the process. Give yourself grace because it is not easy. Do a lot of meditating, a lot of drinking wine, that helps. A lot of yoga and go walking. Brian always laughs at me because in this family of five, it can get very hectic. Like I said, 21, almost 20 and almost 11. Okay. And they're all spread out different ages. They all have their own little personalities or big personalities, their own life. And Brian laughs because the minute now I get overwhelmed, I don't try to fix anything. I don't try to force anything. I put my earbuds in and I go walking, walking, walking, power walking. I must walk 15,000 steps a day. Cause that definitely helps. Okay, so and to end this what I do want to say I love my family I feel so blessed because not only did I create two beautiful children out of my own body my son Blake and my daughter Ashley which are amazing kids beautiful loving kind they both are hard-working great kids but I also have a bonus child that I love with all my heart, Reese, who's 10 and a half, and I'm blessed. I love Brian and the love and support and blessings that I feel I'm grateful for every day. So yes, it's hard. Yes, it will test you. It still tests us every day, but it is so worth it. So definitely. If you're looking for love and you're worrying that they have children, don't worry. A blended family can work, will work and is a blessing. So thank you all so much for joining. I hope you enjoyed this episode. Don't forget to call in 754-222-4413 and leave me a message, a topic, something you want to talk about. this episode resonated with you. Please leave me a comment below on YouTube, Spotify, Apple podcasts, wherever you're watching me, leave me a comment. Please share this with a friend and give me a heart. Yes, heart love. Thank you all so much. Have a beautiful and blessed day. Namaste. Bye everybody.