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Transcript

Stop Dating Your Childhood Trauma: How to Spot Familiar Toxicity · Mindful Success Path

• 0:32
  Have you ever met someone and felt this instant, electric, soul-deep spark where you felt like you'd known them forever?
• 0:39
  You probably called it chemistry.
• 0:40
  You probably called it destiny.
• 0:42
  Maybe you called it your twin flame.
• 0:44
  But then six months later, you find yourself in the exact same cycle of anxiety, chasing, and heartbreak that perhaps you've been experiencing for a long time.
• 0:54
  For some of you, it's been decades.
• 0:56
  Well, today, we're going to deconstruct the biggest lie in modern dating, which is the idea that chemistry, in the way that we've been taught to believe chemistry is, is a good thing because for many of us, especially those of us who have what I call either a wounded maiden or an awakening warrior, our identity, that spark isn't always love.
• 1:20
  It's a nervous system trigger, and it's your trauma recognizing its reflection in someone else.
• 1:27
  And in this video, we're gonna look at why your body is addicted to this familiar toxicity and how to finally retrain your heart to recognize peace, not chaos, not intensity, not chemistry, but peace as passion.
• 1:44
  So if you're ready to stop dating from your past and start building your future where you are a woman who is claimed, where you are a woman who is provided for, where you're with an actual good man, then let's dive in.
• 1:57
  Hi, my name is Amanda.
• 1:59
  Welcome to this channel where we talk about how to manifest what you want in life without all the extra stress, chaos, and drama that most people are accustomed to.
• 2:06
  We teach women how to become the magnetic empress of their lives, where they begin to attract their desires to them instead of having to hustle and grind and effort and having to control everything around them.
• 2:15
  So if that's something that you're interested in, make sure to subscribe and hit the notification bell so you don't miss a single video that we have coming out on this channel.
• 2:23
  And if you are new to this conversation of feminine energy, nervous system regulation, polarity in relationships, manifestation, and all the fun stuff that we talk about on this channel- Then make sure to download our free Enhance Your Feminine Energy Guide.
• 2:36
  It's a beginner's guide to starting to bring more feminine energy into your life.
• 2:40
  It goes into the difference between feminine energy and masculine energy.
• 2:44
  It talks about how women should be using a lot more feminine energy in their money, in their relationships, in their relationship with their bodies, and so much more.
• 2:53
  It's based on my experience of coaching women for 15 years, but more importantly, my own transformation story where I went from being a perpetually single, hyper-independent, all kinds of thyroid problems, making a lot of money, but burning myself into the ground to do it, and eventually losing everything, to rebuilding my life from a place of feminine energy, getting married to a masculine provider, protector husband pretty quickly after meeting him, moving to another country where I can live more at ease and at flow, healing my hormones naturally, and most recently, making passive income every single day from digital course sales that come from this YouTube channel.
• 3:31
  All of this was impossible before I learned the role of feminine energy in my life.
• 3:36
  So make sure to grab that free guide while you still can,'cause I keep being told I should charge for it, and I'm seriously considering it, so make sure to grab it.
• 3:45
  I will leave the link below, and also with the QR code.
• 3:49
  So let's get into it.
• 3:50
  Part one: the familiarity filter.
• 3:53
  So here's what happens, right?
• 3:55
  Your brain is not meant to keep you happy.
• 3:59
  Your brain is meant to keep you safe, and oftentimes, our subconscious prioritizes what is known over what is good because what is known is safe.
• 4:10
  It's kind of like the devil you know versus the devil you don't know.
• 4:13
  That's kind of how the subconscious works.
• 4:15
  So your subconscious mind, as I mentioned, has only one goal.
• 4:18
  It's survival.
• 4:20
  And to your subconscious, known is safe even if what is known is painful because even though it's painful, uh, you've managed up until now, right?
• 4:31
  So at least you know what to do.
• 4:32
  And if you grew up in a home where love was inconsistent for whatever reason, where you had to perform for attention or walk on eggshells or in some cases, a lot of people had chaos in the home, then your nervous system has learned to associate love with high arousal or high intensity or what many of us would confuse or call chemistry.
• 4:55
  So when you meet a man who is emotionally unavailable or inconsistent, your body goes,"Aha, I know how to play this game.
• 5:04
  I know how to do this." And then suddenly you mistake that, um, for attraction, right?
• 5:10
  Your heart rate spikes, your stomach flips, you get the butterflies, and you think,"This is it, I found him." That's what your brain starts to do.
• 5:18
  And it's not that you found him, it's not that you found the love of your life, it's just your trauma feeling like it's at home and feeling like it is recognized.
• 5:27
  So think about the last three men that you dated.
• 5:30
  And some of you, this is going to be enlightening, this exercise.
• 5:35
  What was the common flavor of the pain?
• 5:38
  Was it the pain of being ignored?
• 5:39
  Was it the pain of being lied to?
• 5:42
  Was it the pain of having to be the savior?
• 5:44
  Well, that is what we would call your familiarity filter.
• 5:47
  So you aren't necessarily meeting new people, to put it that way.
• 5:52
  You're meeting the same energy in different bodies.
• 5:54
  And that's why some of you will say things in the comments where it's like,"I keep dating, like, the same person, and I keep having the same issues, but it's like a different person." No, it's, like, the same person, different body.
• 6:04
  That's what's going on there because, your familiarity filter is what's calling the shots until you become aware of it, and then you can actually change it.
• 6:12
  So let's talk about chemistry.
• 6:14
  I have this unpopular opinion where I think chemistry is nonsense, and we shouldn't be paying that much attention to it.
• 6:21
  We shouldn't be paying attention to high emotions.
• 6:23
  Most, uh, stable relationships are not built on that.
• 6:27
  Most stable relationships are built on shared values, shared goals, shared vision, and then attraction is built from that.
• 6:34
  And a lot of women will say,"But I have to be attracted to the person." And I'm like,"Yes, you do.
• 6:39
  But many of you have to learn to be attracted to what is good to you instead of being attracted to what is bad for you." And that's where we have to start changing- This internal dialogue.
• 6:48
  So if you saw my recent video called, Your Nervous System Is Sabotaging Your Love Life, I went a little deeper into this.
• 6:55
  But I talked about how your body can actually get stuck in survival mode, and in dating, that manifests as an addiction to intermittent reinforcement.
• 7:04
  Now, you might be wondering,"What the hell is intermittent reinforcement?" Well, this is the gambler's high.
• 7:09
  This is the he's cold for three days, and then he sends one sweet text message, and your dopamine suddenly spikes through the roof.
• 7:16
  And that relief that you feel, um, when he finally chooses you, because you think it's relief, you mistake that relief, you mistake the gambler's high, you mistake it for love.
• 7:30
  That's what's going on, my darling.
• 7:32
  But when you're with a healthy, husband-ready man, um, they don't give you dopamine spikes like that.
• 7:38
  They don't have you on emotional roller coasters where you're up and down.
• 7:42
  They don't keep you guessing.
• 7:43
  You know exactly where you stand with them.
• 7:45
  They're very consistent, and they're very reliable, and they're not giving you the with- the withdrawal phase, uh, to put it that way.
• 7:52
  But what happens is to a traumatized nervous system, and you don't even need to have like gone through anything super traumatic in order to have a traumatized nervous system.
• 8:01
  I had a pretty idyllic childhood, all things considered.
• 8:04
  I had, you know I mean, I come from an immigrant family.
• 8:07
  There was survival mode in terms of that, but there was nothing crazy, at least not in my opinion.
• 8:12
  Um, and especially not in comparison to what my parents and grandparents and great-grandparents had to live through.
• 8:18
  So this is where it gets really interesting, right?
• 8:20
  Because sometimes a lot of this tra- um, traumatizing in our nervous system wasn't even ours.
• 8:25
  It was our ancestors and the people who came before us.
• 8:29
  Um, and I talk about that in Healing the Wounded Feminine, and other times it was us.
• 8:34
  It was stories that we picked up.
• 8:35
  So for example, um, I saw over-functioning women all around me, so then I picked up the story that in order for there to be love, then I have to be the one over-functioning, or competence equals safety, or I always have to be in control so then I would be attracted to men who are more passive so then I would stay in control and feel safe because that's what felt familiar.
• 8:56
  And as I mentioned, your subconscious is always going to go to what feels familiar because better the devil that you know versus the devil that you don't know.
• 9:06
  So a lot of times if you have more of a traumatized nervous system or you have a dysregulation in your nervous system, like many women these days do for multiple reasons, I could write a whole dissertation on why women are dysregulated right now, then what happens is like the highs and the intensity feels like chemistry and love, but then a man who's consistent may feel boring or you may feel unattracted to them.
• 9:31
  In reality- Some of you, like peace feels boring to you right?
• 9:36
  And if peace feels boring to you, it means that your system is stuck in a loop.
• 9:40
  So it's not that you're bored necessarily with the consistent men, it's that you're not being triggered by the consistent men, and your body has confused being triggered and intensity for love, for twin flame, for soulmate, for I've known him forever.
• 9:58
  That's what your body tends to confuse that for.
• 10:00
  So here's a shadow work exercise.
• 10:02
  Many of you have been asking for more shadow work on this YouTube channel.
• 10:06
  Well, here you go.
• 10:07
  Here's where you can get started.
• 10:09
  I want you to do this practical exercise right now.
• 10:11
  Take out one sheet of paper, and then write down your five highest feelings you get at the start of a toxic relationship.
• 10:20
  So many of you have said things along the lines of,"I need to learn how to trust myself again.
• 10:24
  I need to learn how to forgive again." Well, we have to become aware of what happened first, and this will help you learn how to do that so that you can have better discernment and trust yourself more moving forward.
• 10:35
  So write the five highest feelings.
• 10:38
  So it could sound like, uh,"He makes me feel like I'm the only girl, girl in the world.
• 10:42
  The sex is great.
• 10:43
  The passion is insane." You know, things like that, that people say.
• 10:47
  And now I want you to write down the five lowest feelings that you get once the honeymoon phase ended.
• 10:53
  "I feel invisible.
• 10:54
  I feel like I'm crazy.
• 10:56
  He disappears.
• 10:57
  My anxiety goes through the roof." All those kinds of things.
• 11:00
  And I want you to look at the list, and I want you to ask yourself,"Where did these exact same highs and lows show up in my life before I was 18 years old?
• 11:10
  Before I was an adult, where did it show up?" And you're gonna be really surprised at the ways in which, um- You may have seen that playing out in your life, uh, perhaps unbeknownst to you as a child, and perhaps you, you can pinpoint it exactly where it was happening.
• 11:28
  So maybe it was a father who only noticed you when you won an award.
• 11:32
  Maybe it was a mother who was emotionally volatile.
• 11:36
  And the thing is that once you see the pattern, um, and you see that you're just repeating this pattern, then that spark and that chemistry, it starts to lose power over you, and you start to make decisions, and you start to discern from what I like to call a mo- a more sober place, a place where you're not being triggered.
• 11:55
  You're actually sober-minded, and then you're able to see what's actually in front of you and discern accordingly.
• 12:02
  And when you realize that when you start feeling these intense feelings and this chemistry and this anxiety, that you aren't falling in love, you're just repeating a script, you're just repeating a pattern, then we can actually start to change it because essentially what happens is you can't heal what you're not aware of, and you can't heal what you don't acknowledge.
• 12:22
  So this, this exercise of, of doing an inventory is simply just acknowledging what's been going on so that we can begin to heal it.
• 12:31
  And healing this wounded feminine energy, healing this awakening warrior energy means choosing a man who offers a foundation for your life, not a firework.
• 12:43
  Because the foundation, you can build real, long-lasting partnership on that.
• 12:48
  A lot of you have seen the interview between me and Justin, and you're like,"Thank you for showing your dynamic.
• 12:52
  Thank you for being so grounded.
• 12:54
  Thank you for showing this, what, what this could look like." It's because we did it based on foundation, not firework.
• 13:00
  It doesn't mean...
• 13:01
  Obviously, we were attracted to each other, like, the day that we met, but it wasn't crazy highs and lows.
• 13:05
  It was a slow burn.
• 13:07
  And if you wanna learn more about our story and how we met and all that, make sure to check out that video.
• 13:12
  So to conclude, this is about learning how to choose that slow burn where you can be more discerning as a woman and more receptive from a place of feminine energy rather than the highs that many of you have become accustomed to, highs that in reality is just your system being triggered and anxiety.
• 13:31
  And if you're ready to learn more about how to get out of this wounded feminine energy, then I've created a training for you.
• 13:37
  It's called Healing the Wounded Feminine.
• 13:40
  Many of you have asked for this in the comments.
• 13:42
  I finally did it.
• 13:43
  You can finally go grab it.
• 13:44
  And in that training, we talk about how these different, um, wounded feminine energies show up.
• 13:50
  So there's a lot of masks that women who are insecure and in that wounded energy wear, and it shows up in lots of different ways.
• 13:57
  So we go through that.
• 13:58
  We go through the patterns of those masks and what it looks like in relationships, it's money, et cetera.
• 14:04
  We go through healing the nervous system and somatic practices to help you start rewiring your brain and your body toward being attracted to what is good to you and for you rather than what is not so good for you and to you.
• 14:16
  We also talk about re-parenting because that's a part of nervous system healing as well.
• 14:22
  Learning how to give yourself what perhaps you felt may have been missing in your childhood is a huge part of this process.
• 14:28
  And we also go into healing ancestral wounds because as I mentioned, sometimes the pattern wasn't even like necessarily you or something that you lived.
• 14:37
  It was something you inherited.
• 14:39
  So we go through that as well.
• 14:41
  You can find the information for that below, and I will also have a QR code available here for you.
• 14:46
  If you like this video, if you found this valuable and useful, do me a favor, give it a thumbs up because it lets the algorithm know that it can share it with other women who are looking for this information.
• 14:56
  We currently have women from 50 different countries who are a part of this community, and it's growing every single day.
• 15:03
  You can help this divine feminine awakening that's going on all over the world by giving this video a like and also by sharing it with a girlfriend who may need this information.
• 15:13
  And if you don't wanna miss any other videos that I have coming out, make sure to subscribe and hit the notification bell.
• 15:19
  You can find all the available trainings and courses and programs for those of you who wanna go deeper in the description below.
• 15:26
  Thank you so much for giving me your time today, and I'll catch you on the next one.