Latest / The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast / 261. 13 Rules For Fighting Fair In Marriage That Really Work. Part 2 To Episode 111

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261. 13 Rules For Fighting Fair In Marriage That Really Work. Part 2 To Episode 111 · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: Welcome to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast with Nick and Amy.
• 0:45
  Speaker 2: And today's podcast is titled 13 Rules for Fighting in Marriage that Actually Really Work.
• 0:52
  Speaker 3: Fighting fair, fighting fair in marriage, and respectfully.
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: I just figured we were going to do a podcast on how to fight, like what the best techniques are and things like that.
• 1:03
  Speaker 3: We're going to talk about fighting fair in marriage.
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: Well, we did a podcast on this quite a while ago.
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: I think it was episode, was it 111?
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: Does that sound right, yep.
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: Let's see if my memory is good as I'm getting old.
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: It's good.
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: But so obviously we're in episodes, you know, in the 250s.
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: So it's been a while since we talked about that and we felt like that was one of the most game changing episodes we've done, because I mean let's get real right.
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: We all are going to have fights and arguments.
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: I don't care how good your marriage is and it's healthy to have those fights and arguments, but it is can testify that the way you fight changes your entire relationship like I, we used to have some toxic traits when we were first married a few years in, when things started getting hard.
• 1:59
  Speaker 3: and I mean everyone fights, everyone has arguments, everyone fights right, but there would be some silent treatment, some Well, there was a lot of silent treatment.
• 2:09
  Speaker 3: Silent treatment, stuff like that, that I look back and I'm like that was lame.
• 2:13
  Speaker 3: And now that we've learned how to be respectful and have arguments without actually even fighting, like our whole relationships changed, Like it's not even.
• 2:24
  Speaker 3: I don't even call fights anymore.
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: So if the whole and we are not fighters.
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: That's the thing is both of our personalities, I think oh, I could maybe more so me.
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: I was gonna say yeah, like I am not a fighter, so no, you're not you just he's the passive personality.
• 2:39
  Speaker 3: It's just like I'm sorry, no matter what.
• 2:41
  Speaker 3: Well, actually no, you weren't no, you weren't like that before.
• 2:43
  Speaker 3: No.
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: I take that back.
• 2:47
  Speaker 3: You were very stubborn.
• 2:48
  Speaker 3: Anyways, I think that everyone can agree that they've had those toxic arguments or fights, or maybe some of you fight all the time, maybe some of you don't fight at all.
• 2:59
  Speaker 3: I think this podcast episode will apply to everybody.
• 3:02
  Speaker 3: Yeah, in some way right, and if you haven't listened to episode 111 before.
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: If you're, you know, maybe a little bit newer to the podcast, go check out that episode.
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: It is an amazing episode.
• 3:13
  Speaker 2: We had a lady on Tamara that is a divorce attorney but also is trying to save marriages.
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you heard me right, Yep.
• 3:22
  Speaker 2: She's trying to save marriages, but she makes a living as a divorce attorney.
• 3:26
  Speaker 2: But the the information she gave was just incredible and we have applied tons of it into our marriage and it's made a made a big difference absolutely so.
• 3:37
  Speaker 3: We're actually going to start this podcast.
• 3:39
  Speaker 3: Um, we have some different steps and her her biggest line that she gave to everybody, her biggest piece of advice, is what we're going to start with.
• 3:50
  Speaker 2: Yeah, first thing.
• 3:51
  Speaker 3: Number one and she said if you won't say it to your spouse, or sorry, messed that up, Let me restart.
• 3:59
  Speaker 2: Take two.
• 4:00
  Speaker 3: Take two If you won't say it to your boss, don't say it to your spouse.
• 4:07
  Speaker 3: Did I get that right?
• 4:08
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 4:09
  Speaker 3: Or if you don't, if you won't do it or no, yeah, if you won't do it or say it to your spouse.
• 4:14
  Speaker 3: Your boss or your boss?
• 4:15
  Speaker 2: don't say it to your spouse.
• 4:16
  Speaker 2: I was just thinking because Take three Because.
• 4:18
  Speaker 2: Amy's, amy's my boss and spouse.
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: So how do I handle that Right, that right?
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: no but.
• 4:24
  Speaker 2: I think that at first you think, okay, that's lame advice.
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: But it's actually not like.
• 4:28
  Speaker 2: Think about it like how often do we say things to our spouse so we would never say to our boss at work like we, if we said those things, we'd probably be like, yeah, you're out of here, you're gone.
• 4:40
  Speaker 3: So maybe that's why it's so easy for you.
• 4:43
  Speaker 3: You just said I'm your boss and your wife, so it's like you can't.
• 4:46
  Speaker 2: I really got to be careful, but you can't, but you can't fire me technically, so maybe maybe we're both kind of equal bosses yeah, maybe anyways that's just a different subject.
• 4:56
  Speaker 2: But what great advice, because think about the times when you're fighting with your spouse, maybe some of the things that you've said that you absolutely would not say to your boss.
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: And why would you not say that to your boss?
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: Because you, maybe you get fired.
• 5:11
  Speaker 3: Uh, you'd risk it's disrespectful, it's rude.
• 5:15
  Speaker 3: But isn't it interesting how we don't want to be disrespectful or rude or get in trouble with our boss, yet it's?
• 5:24
  Speaker 3: So easy to just go release on our spouse right.
• 5:29
  Speaker 3: Like, take out our hard day or get our frustrations out, like your spouse.
• 5:34
  Speaker 3: I know that you get more comfortable with your spouse and so, yeah, there are things that you're like it's going to be different, but your spouse literally should be the most respected person in your life, right, like that's who you chose to come in your life and love to.
• 5:49
  Speaker 3: Yeah, love is respect, so the way we treat and talk and the tone of voice we use with our, our spouse, should be nothing but loving.
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: so next time you're barking at each other, arguing.
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: You know, really think, really think, okay, what I'm going to say.
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: Would I say this to my boss?
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: And why or why wouldn't I and really think about that.
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: I think that helps.
• 6:11
  Speaker 3: And so, yeah, like Nick said, anyone that struggles with being upset a lot, arguing, fighting a lot in your marriage, episode 101 is a game changer for your relationship.
• 6:22
  Speaker 3: The next one that we want to talk about is not keeping your emotions and feelings bottled up in your relationship.
• 6:30
  Speaker 2: Oh, that was a huge mistake I made.
• 6:31
  Speaker 2: I was like a.
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: Ticking time bomb Just inside, just building and building, and building until serenity now, serenity now.
• 6:41
  Speaker 3: I don't know what you're talking about.
• 6:44
  Speaker 2: No, I'm saying that's the way I used to be you just wouldn't, didn't want to share things correct.
• 6:49
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's just easier sometimes.
• 6:51
  Speaker 3: Well, and I think a lot of husbands have been taught like don't show your emotions.
• 6:56
  Speaker 3: It's not masculine to be all emotional and like I totally disagree with that.
• 7:01
  Speaker 3: Like to have a loving relationship.
• 7:03
  Speaker 3: It's how you do it right.
• 7:05
  Speaker 3: Like yeah, absolutely, husbands also are going to have emotions build up and should have a safe place, especially with their wife, to share those right.
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: I think, the silence.
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: I don't think we realize how detrimental that silent treatment can be, because when we're silent then we start making assumptions and just building up inside until it explodes.
• 7:29
  Speaker 3: And no one wants to explode right then things get really bad right and if you're really, really frustrated I mean that silent treatment if you really think about it, like you just build and you almost take something that was frustrating and it gets worse and then it starts like eating at you and then it builds, it almost becomes a ticking time bomb where, like things like sometimes become worse than they even had to be right.
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: Well, I think let's clarify this a little there's nothing wrong with like stepping aside and saying, hey, I need time to think, or something right Like that's we're talking silent treatment for like days and days and days, but you have to step away and say, hey, you know what.
• 8:05
  Speaker 2: I need time to think about this silent treatment.
• 8:08
  Speaker 3: Silent treatment, though, isn't saying I need to take a break.
• 8:13
  Speaker 3: Silent treatment is being toxic and literally ignoring your spouse exactly like that's toxic.
• 8:19
  Speaker 3: So if that happens in your relationship, say relationship like step back and be like okay instead of silent treatment, if I do need a break, if I do need some space, how do I communicate with that, about that, with my spouse, before I take that?
• 8:34
  Speaker 2: break.
• 8:34
  Speaker 2: How could I ever want space from you, babe?
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: Funny I want to get closer to you.
• 8:38
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think that's so true.
• 8:40
  Speaker 3: Yeah, okay.
• 8:41
  Speaker 3: So the next one.
• 8:42
  Speaker 3: The next rule for fighting fair in your marriage is give your spouse the benefit of the doubt and assume they never intended to hurt your feelings or upset you.
• 8:53
  Speaker 3: You always say assuming is one of the worst things you can do in marriage.
• 8:59
  Speaker 3: Right For sure.
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: Yeah, absolutely.
• 9:02
  Speaker 3: Why is that?
• 9:03
  Speaker 2: Because most of the time you're going to be wrong when you assume something like in your mind, when you're like assuming that they did this for a certain reason or, you know, acted this way or whatever said this.
• 9:16
  Speaker 2: Most of the time you're going to be wrong in making an assumption and so I think, assuming and that's why, going back to it, it's so important to talk with each other so that you don't have all these assumptions, you're not just assuming things in the relationship, right?
• 9:32
  Speaker 3: Totally agree.
• 9:33
  Speaker 3: Totally agree.
• 9:34
  Speaker 3: I think most people realize what the word assume means.
• 9:40
  Speaker 3: I'm not going to say it on the air, but it doesn't do anyone any good to assume anything in marriage in a loving marriage Um it makes an ass out of you and me.
• 9:50
  Speaker 3: Okay, break it down.
• 9:51
  Speaker 3: Nick's gonna say I'm not swearing, I'm just saying that's what if you break the word apart.
• 9:56
  Speaker 3: It is me assume.
• 9:58
  Speaker 2: It makes an ass out of you and me.
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: That's spelled out and and and in out of you and me.
• 10:08
  Speaker 2: That's spelled out and and and in all reality.
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: That's the truth.
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: Like both of you, when you assume things, you both step away and you're like man.
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: I feel like an idiot, like why did?
• 10:12
  Speaker 2: I think that you know why did I not just talk about it?
• 10:15
  Speaker 3: right, totally agree, this is a pg podcast.
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: So that was not swearing, I was quoting you were like.
• 10:22
  Speaker 3: That's how it's spelled.
• 10:23
  Speaker 3: The next one is don't seek comfort in others about your marital issues.
• 10:30
  Speaker 3: Instead, take time to understand your feelings.
• 10:33
  Speaker 3: Understand your own actions.
• 10:37
  Speaker 2: I think that's hard for a lot of people.
• 10:38
  Speaker 2: I agree, I think a lot of people, maybe even women especially that'll go talk to their friends and just vent to their friends and friends and all my husband did this and he did this and then they're getting their advice from friends.
• 10:49
  Speaker 2: And a lot of times that advice is not good, and men do that too.
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: I'm not saying it's just women but, yeah, anytime you're exposing your dirty laundry, so to speak, to others and trying to get their advice, um, that's not necessarily a good thing.
• 11:05
  Speaker 3: I think the most important thing with this one is to confront your spouse Like even if you had to take a break and think about things and internalize things, and why you're frustrated, why you're upset.
• 11:16
  Speaker 3: Really, if it's a problem in your marriage, it should be a problem for both of you and that's your guys's problems.
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: like going to your spouse about your guys's problems is how you fix problems and I and I think if you, if you are going to go to someone else, and then you know, it's one thing to talk about little things, right?
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: But if you are going to go, to someone else to talk about big issues.
• 11:41
  Speaker 2: You should probably let your spouse know, or?
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: make sure that's okay.
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: I mean, just use your judgment.
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: Sometimes it's fine, sometimes it's probably not appropriate.
• 11:50
  Speaker 3: Yeah for sure.
• 11:51
  Speaker 3: Um, the next one put yourself in your spouse's shoes.
• 11:56
  Speaker 3: Try to look at the situation from your spouse's point of view.
• 11:59
  Speaker 3: This is really hard.
• 12:01
  Speaker 3: This takes a lot of humility from a person, which is really hard, especially when.
• 12:07
  Speaker 3: A lot of humility from a person, which is really hard, especially when you're upset and you feel like you weren't in the wrong.
• 12:11
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 12:12
  Speaker 3: I mean, we've all been there right, Like no, this was you, this wasn't me, but that doesn't help anything, because when we always, when we look at a problem in marriage as a team problem and not like a personal problem, and we're trying to solve that issue together, not alone, that changes all that.
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: I just used the Seinfeld line it's not you, it's me.
• 12:32
  Speaker 3: It's not you, it's me.
• 12:33
  Speaker 3: You should be changed to.
• 12:34
  Speaker 3: It's not you, it's us, it's both of us.
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think.
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: I think that's a really hard thing to do, and I think that's where a lot of arguments start and then also really progresses when someone has to be right.
• 12:48
  Speaker 2: You know, when a spouse is like no, I'm not giving in, I'm right, and they forget sometimes that at the end of the day, does it really matter if you're right or wrong and you know like you said looking at something from your spouse's perspective.
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: We all grew up differently.
• 13:07
  Speaker 2: We all have different perspectives on life.
• 13:08
  Speaker 2: I think differently on things, some things than Amy does, and that is totally okay.
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: I was raised differently than Amy was raised.
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: We look at things differently so, but that doesn't mean I can't listen to her and try to understand where she's coming from and say yeah, no, you know, I see what, I see where you're coming from and even if you don't agree, uh, figuring out how you move, move forward even though you may not agree on something absolutely, there's a lot of things.
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: I can't think of anything off the top of my head, but there's a lot of things you and I maybe don't agree on, but it doesn't.
• 13:39
  Speaker 3: It doesn't impact our marriage at all just because we talk about things and and you know, don't you know we just don't let a little thing, but it literally takes both people being humble enough to think, to say I want to listen to your side, I want to listen to your feelings, I want to be in your shoes so I can try to understand you, and a lot of spouses have a really hard time with that.
• 14:05
  Speaker 2: Yeah, Like I said, I think so many arguments start out small and they go and get totally blown out of proportion and cause big time things just because, again because people's pride.
• 14:18
  Speaker 3: Right.
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: They have to be right.
• 14:20
  Speaker 3: For sure Pride Always the killer of intimacy, not always Mostly Agreed.
• 14:28
  Speaker 3: Next one is no matter how upset and angry angry you are sleep in the same bed.
• 14:35
  Speaker 3: Do you agree with this?
• 14:37
  Speaker 3: Uh, yeah I don't think I've.
• 14:40
  Speaker 2: I can't remember.
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: Maybe I slept on the couch one night or something, but no, you have never, have I never, ever in 22 years.
• 14:47
  Speaker 3: Has that ever been a thing?
• 14:47
  Speaker 3: Maybe that?
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: was a dream.
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: I had it.
• 14:49
  Speaker 2: Uh, I've I've actually slept on the couch several times, but it wasn't because of us, it was because I was hacking away with a cough.
• 14:56
  Speaker 3: Yes, and I was grateful that you did that.
• 14:58
  Speaker 2: So that was a loving sleeping on the couch.
• 14:59
  Speaker 3: So talking about couples that say, oh, I'm like.
• 15:04
  Speaker 3: There's that famous quote like, oh, I'm sleeping in the dog house tonight, right With that.
• 15:09
  Speaker 3: That's a very negative like thing to say to your spouse.
• 15:14
  Speaker 3: Like you have to sleep somewhere else because we're upset at each other.
• 15:17
  Speaker 3: I think that is, if that's something that's kind of normal in a relationship, maybe rethink this one really quick you could be.
• 15:24
  Speaker 3: I mean, there were plenty of nights in our beginning of our marriage where we would go to up excuse me, go to bed upset, and we still sleep.
• 15:34
  Speaker 3: We still have a queen-size bed, literally we like to cuddle.
• 15:37
  Speaker 3: So we're like I don't understand the huge bed things, but there's plenty of space in a bed.
• 15:40
  Speaker 3: Nobody needs to be leaving the bedroom because of being upset, and I think that's the whole thing is.
• 15:46
  Speaker 3: Like even the people that really focus on arguments and these kind of like the podcast that we did in 111 people that focus on fixing resentment and fixing arguments and how to fight fair and really talk about this a lot, talk about that physical touch and that physical repair during, during and after an argument.
• 16:09
  Speaker 3: So if you're having an argument or you're really upset about something, like you're seriously mad at your spouse, something bad has happened, one of the best things that you can do is to literally still grab your spouse and be like I'm frustrated, I'm really frustrated, but I'm still here for you and we're going to fix this.
• 16:29
  Speaker 3: That's how you give someone safety and security in the marriage.
• 16:32
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and you hit.
• 16:33
  Speaker 2: A key point is every couple argues.
• 16:35
  Speaker 2: So I think a lot of people think, oh, if we argue, we might.
• 16:39
  Speaker 2: We must not have a good marriage.
• 16:41
  Speaker 2: That's not the case.
• 16:42
  Speaker 2: I think it's okay to argue, but how quickly can you repair or come back?
• 16:45
  Speaker 2: From that argument and be united and come together.
• 16:48
  Speaker 2: It's the couples that can't come back together and get that resolved that suffer, versus the couples that can come together and say you know what right at the end of the day, this isn't a big deal.
• 16:59
  Speaker 2: Let's move on.
• 17:00
  Speaker 3: And I think we said in our last podcast, like, when you're having an argument or a fight, fight in your marriage.
• 17:06
  Speaker 3: If you, if you think the question is this going to matter in five minutes from now?
• 17:10
  Speaker 3: Is this going to matter tomorrow?
• 17:11
  Speaker 3: Is this going to matter in a month from now, if you really ask yourself that and it's literally this isn't even going to matter, this is literally that dumb, then maybe just let that blow over, like that's not worth fighting about, right?
• 17:24
  Speaker 3: The next one we're going to talk about is we kind of already said it, but don't aim to win.
• 17:29
  Speaker 3: If this is your end goal, you've already lost in a marriage.
• 17:34
  Speaker 2: It's not aiming to win personally, it's only aiming to win as a couple, like nobody wins in a marriage if you're fighting against each other well, yeah, if I, if I'm fighting and arguing with you and trying to prove my point and prove something right, even if I prove something right, I've lost because we've hurt, we've done damage to our relationship, right?
• 17:59
  Speaker 2: The only way you win is to be united as a couple and to move forward and not let that affect you.
• 18:03
  Speaker 2: So there really is no winning in arguing unless you resolve it together and move on right, that's winning.
• 18:13
  Speaker 3: That's winning.
• 18:13
  Speaker 3: Winning as a team, as a couple.
• 18:15
  Speaker 3: Um, the next one is try to remember one positive thing about your spouse, in your relationship.
• 18:20
  Speaker 3: It is easy in moments of anger to compile a mental list of all the things that they've done wrong, all the things that you despise.
• 18:27
  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, that's right.
• 18:29
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't like that.
• 18:30
  Speaker 2: And and when, when things from the past are constantly being brought up to like just stab you in the heart, right, Like and we all do it.
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: We all do it For sure.
• 18:42
  Speaker 2: We're.
• 18:42
  Speaker 2: We're human.
• 18:43
  Speaker 2: But if we can try to avoid doing that and bringing up like past things, past resentment, and say, well, I did this because you did this, or bring them back something like you know you did this and this, you know what I'm talking about it's just toxic, right.
• 18:59
  Speaker 3: And the more our mind feeds on negative things about our spouse, the more we're gonna be negative, act negative, have a more negative tone.
• 19:06
  Speaker 3: Things are not going to improve.
• 19:08
  Speaker 3: Yeah, they say.
• 19:09
  Speaker 3: One of the best pieces of advice is, when you are having negative thoughts about your spouse, start listing all the things that as amazing that they do, or that they do for you, or all their amazing attributes, and I'm like that can totally like switch your mindset about your spouse super fast.
• 19:23
  Speaker 2: Well, it really is, and that's in life in general, right?
• 19:25
  Speaker 2: Do we focus on the negative or do we focus on the positive?
• 19:28
  Speaker 2: If we on the negative, we're always going to be looking for the negative things in everything.
• 19:33
  Speaker 2: If we're focusing on a positive, we're always going to be looking for the positive things in life, and it just makes life so much easier, and I think the same thing applies with arguing right and just marriage in general, absolutely.
• 19:46
  Speaker 3: The next one is use I statements and not you statements.
• 19:51
  Speaker 3: I think this one has been said a lot Use I statements, not you statements.
• 19:56
  Speaker 3: And what this means is I feel like this in our marriage, I feel like this about this, instead of you always do this, or why do you make me feel like?
• 20:08
  Speaker 2: this you never want to make love to me.
• 20:09
  Speaker 2: You could say I feel undesired, undesired when you don't initiate, right.
• 20:17
  Speaker 3: But that changes, like we said, the entire tone of a conversation or something that's about to start an argument.
• 20:24
  Speaker 3: When you say why don't you ever do this around the house?
• 20:28
  Speaker 3: Why don't you ever do dishes?
• 20:29
  Speaker 3: Why can't you just look around and see this stuff needs to be done?
• 20:32
  Speaker 3: If I came to Nick and said you know, I really feel stressed and I feel like I have a lot on my plate and I feel like sometimes it would be really helpful if maybe you could just notice that the dishes aren't being done.
• 20:46
  Speaker 3: If I approach that conversation, number two versus the first way, that's going to change your entire attitude, right?
• 20:54
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I did notice the dishes weren't done yet.
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: I literally wasn't trying to go anywhere with that.
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: No, I'm just teasing.
• 21:00
  Speaker 2: But yeah, no, I totally agree.
• 21:02
  Speaker 3: It's how we approach things.
• 21:04
  Speaker 2: Everything is how we approach things right.
• 21:06
  Speaker 2: It's all about how we approach things, and the right way and the wrong way.
• 21:11
  Speaker 3: Absolutely, it makes a huge impact on your marriage relationship.
• 21:13
  Speaker 3: The next one is staying focused on the issue and focus on solutions.
• 21:20
  Speaker 3: So, instead of letting an argument turn into, like you said, bringing up the past, bringing in things that shouldn't matter, if you can stay focused as a couple, like this is causing the issue.
• 21:33
  Speaker 3: This is how you feel.
• 21:35
  Speaker 3: This is how I feel.
• 21:36
  Speaker 3: How do we find a solution to this, instead of like, literally letting it escalate and get uglier and uglier right?
• 21:42
  Speaker 3: yeah it's really just that simple.
• 21:44
  Speaker 3: I think we've been in some heated arguments so I understand what it's like, but the minute you say if one, even just one person was humble enough to be like, look, I don't want to argue with you, I love you, I know you love me.
• 22:00
  Speaker 3: Let's talk about this in a calm tone.
• 22:05
  Speaker 3: Let's both share our sides of what's going on and why we feel the way that we do, and then make sure that we both hear each other and let's try and find a solution together.
• 22:15
  Speaker 3: I think just talking like saying that one thing yeah to your spouse can change the entire argument right, and I think too and maybe we're jumping.
• 22:23
  Speaker 2: I don't want to jump ahead, but um, approaching problems together, as a team, rather than individually, because if you approach it individually, then it's a competition, right right.
• 22:33
  Speaker 2: If you approach it as a team and say, how do we resolve this issue that we're having together, or is causing arguments rather than, you know, trying to approach well, like you just said, that's one phrase.
• 22:44
  Speaker 3: How do we take this one issue?
• 22:46
  Speaker 3: How did you say that?
• 22:48
  Speaker 2: how do we, yeah, how do we resolve this issue together, together, as a team.
• 22:53
  Speaker 3: Just that one statement is changing.
• 22:55
  Speaker 3: The next one is take responsibility Very important in marriage.
• 23:00
  Speaker 3: You have go back a few episodes the three magical phrases.
• 23:04
  Speaker 3: If you say these in marriage, your entire relationship's going to change.
• 23:07
  Speaker 3: That was one of the best podcasts because one of those phrases was I'm sorry.
• 23:12
  Speaker 3: And I even expressed in that podcast how amazing Nick is at saying I'm sorry, even sometimes when he doesn't feel like he needs to be the first one to say it, and that changes the other spouse's entire attitude.
• 23:26
  Speaker 3: I feel like like sometimes, when you're just like you know what I'm sorry.
• 23:29
  Speaker 3: Maybe this wasn't my fault, but I'm truly sorry that this is causing a witch, and it's like, oh Wow, he's humble enough to say I'm sorry, and that doesn't work for all personalities, but I think I'm sorry is a huge statement and the more we say it, the more we love we're gonna have in our marriage.
• 23:44
  Speaker 2: Yeah, for sure, especially in solving arguments or fighting right just, matt, mean something as simple as.
• 23:51
  Speaker 3: I'm sorry that probably is going to end the argument the way you say it though not just I'm sorry Like it has to have meaning.
• 23:58
  Speaker 3: It has to be meaningful.
• 24:01
  Speaker 2: I'm so sorry I made you feel that way, sweetheart, I did not mean to do that Yep perfectly said.
• 24:08
  Speaker 3: And the last one, and the most important, important one that you already kind of mentioned, was forgiving and letting go.
• 24:15
  Speaker 3: Not bringing up the past constantly, like forgiveness is super hard.
• 24:21
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it is.
• 24:22
  Speaker 2: I mean resentment, forgiveness, it is.
• 24:26
  Speaker 2: It is really hard.
• 24:27
  Speaker 3: I think one of our polls was why is it so hard to want to be intimate with your spouse?
• 24:34
  Speaker 3: And, like I want to say, like 50% of it was because of resentment in our marriage.
• 24:38
  Speaker 3: It was a high, it was definitely high whatever it was.
• 24:41
  Speaker 2: I remember that because I was like holy smokes, that is a high number.
• 24:44
  Speaker 2: It was resentment because people are still holding on to grudges and things that have happened in the past and they just can't let it go.
• 24:50
  Speaker 2: Still holding on to grudges and things that have happened in the past and they just can't let it go.
• 24:53
  Speaker 2: And it's hard to let go.
• 24:54
  Speaker 2: I I mean it is, but you have to let it go.
• 24:56
  Speaker 2: You have to figure out a way to let it go, to be able to move forward and have the marriage that you want.
• 25:02
  Speaker 2: The resentment and holding on to those things will will just keep dragging it down, pulling it down, and it sucks Pulling you down, pulling your marriage down, pulling your spouse down.
• 25:15
  Speaker 2: For sure.
• 25:16
  Speaker 3: They say that you don't die from the snake bite.
• 25:20
  Speaker 3: You die from the poison inside your body.
• 25:23
  Speaker 3: It just keeps feeding off your body.
• 25:25
  Speaker 2: That's deep, babe, that's deep.
• 25:27
  Speaker 3: I've shared it before.
• 25:27
  Speaker 3: It's nothing new, but it's the same thing with resentment and unforgiveness.
• 25:32
  Speaker 3: Like the other spouse that did something can genuinely say I'm sorry, I'm truly sorry, Like I'm so sorry.
• 25:40
  Speaker 3: Like you can feel that I'm sorry and then the other person just cannot let it go.
• 25:44
  Speaker 3: Well, and it just builds and eats them up inside.
• 25:47
  Speaker 2: Well, and there's a saying that I really liked holding onto anger and you could also do like resentment.
• 25:51
  Speaker 2: Holding onto resentment is like grasping a hot coal in your hand with the intent of throwing it at someone else, but you're the only one that gets burnt oh I like that and I I think that's so true, like we hold on to that and the other person's moving on.
• 26:05
  Speaker 2: The other person has let things go, or what have you, but the person holding on to that is the one that continuously is getting burnt and can't get a low let go, and it's going to affect them much worse.
• 26:18
  Speaker 2: And so, um, yeah, every time you bring up the past or try to do something to inflict or harm your spouse, yeah, it's really going to hurt your spouse, it really is.
• 26:30
  Speaker 2: It's hard to move on, but, um, it's doing more damage to yourself hard to move on, but it's doing more damage to yourself.
• 26:38
  Speaker 2: Absolutely, that's a good one that's deep.
• 26:39
  Speaker 3: It's deep I.
• 26:40
  Speaker 3: I love that that one ended with forgiveness and resentment, because letting go and moving on is all part of being that team and, like you, literally cannot have an amazing marriage unless you learn how to say sorry, learn how to fight fairly in your marriage and learn how to forgive.
• 26:55
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm gonna add one more.
• 26:56
  Speaker 2: Well, I guess that's not, you should do it.
• 26:57
  Speaker 2: How to say sorry, learn how to fight fairly in your marriage and learn how to forgive.
• 26:59
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I'm going to add one more.
• 27:02
  Speaker 2: Well, I guess that's not.
• 27:02
  Speaker 2: You should do it Not really fighting.
• 27:03
  Speaker 3: If it's a marriage tip, throw it in.
• 27:04
  Speaker 2: So many people, obviously, especially when parenting and dealing with kids.
• 27:09
  Speaker 2: If they parent differently or look at things differently, they get upset at each other as to.
• 27:15
  Speaker 2: Well, why can't we parent this way?
• 27:17
  Speaker 2: Or why can't we parent this way?
• 27:19
  Speaker 2: I think, too, like if you allow your spouse to make a decision or do something, then you have to allow them to make a decision or do something even if you don't agree with it and I think she hits on that in that episode 111 as well, too is like if you give your spouse permission or you give them the authority to parent a certain way or do a certain thing, then you have to literally step back and let them do
• 27:44
  Speaker 2: that, even if it's hard and um, one of the one of the um I remember they talked about the example of the husband always likes to be on time and she's not as much like that, and that is totally us in our marriage, right right so I'm like I want to be on time.
• 28:03
  Speaker 2: It drives amy nuts and amy's more relaxed about that.
• 28:06
  Speaker 2: But they used that example and they said you know, instead of letting them cause arguments, if they had to be somewhere, sometimes the husband would just drive his own car If it's somewhere close and she would show up when she would show up, problem solved right.
• 28:21
  Speaker 3: That is a big one in our marriage because Nick is like his on time is being early and I'm like, no, I'm okay with just being on time and it sounds stupid, but after talking to a lot of people I think it's a lot more common than we think.
• 28:32
  Speaker 3: It's.
• 28:38
  Speaker 3: To a lot of people I think it's a lot more common than we think.
• 28:40
  Speaker 3: It's those little tiny things that start to bug us and then sometimes we get so bugged we almost start like feeding it, and so there she talks about there's simple solutions to not let this go somewhere, like if it's literally bugging both of you just be like, okay, you go early, I will drive separate it's.
• 28:50
  Speaker 3: It's that easy problem solved if it's causing a con.
• 28:54
  Speaker 3: I mean, it seems silly it does, but it, but it's true, it's like okay, you know what, you just go, I'll be there in a few minutes.
• 29:00
  Speaker 3: No argument, right?
• 29:02
  Speaker 2: yeah, no argument, yeah, so anyways listen to that podcast episode as well.
• 29:07
  Speaker 2: It's a real good one.
• 29:09
  Speaker 2: Like I said, it was a game changer and, uh, I think it's one of those episodes you have some episodes that you should listen to.
• 29:14
  Speaker 2: You have some episodes that you should listen to.
• 29:16
  Speaker 2: You have some episodes that you need to listen to, and that's a need to listen to that episode.
• 29:21
  Speaker 3: Love it.
• 29:23
  Speaker 2: So hopefully this offered some insight and can help in some way.
• 29:27
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• 29:29
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• 29:31
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• 29:46
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• 29:56
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• 30:02
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• 30:10
  Speaker 2: Well, we hope you enjoyed the podcast and until next time we hope all of you find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.