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308. Your Toughest Relationship Questions Answered: Friendships · Badass Confidence Coach | Your Personal Trainer for Your Mind

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hey everyone, welcome to or welcome back to the podcast.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: So today we are continuing our conversation that we've been having about relationships and the years of practice and talking with clients and people in my personal life about relationships.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's the stuff of our lives.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's what really what makes us human.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: And a big topic is friendship.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: Big one.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: And so I want to spend an entire episode talking about friendships because, you know, last week we talked about resentment.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: The week before we talked about relationships in general, then we moved into resentment.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: And resentment can underlie quite a bit of our relationships when we lack boundaries and we don't talk about or we don't communicate and talk about with people in our lives.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: We care about what we're thinking and feeling.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: And then when there's not back and forth dialogue.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: And when that doesn't happen, because of our fear, our nervousness, our, you know, what I hear clients say is I don't know how to do it.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't know how to do it.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: I never learned it.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: What happens is we shut down and we get quiet and we can develop resentment.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: So today we're talking about what is it like?
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm going to give you the power moves to how to deal with these friendship relationships.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: And when is it worth it to continue with them?
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: And in the few times where maybe it's not worth it.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: So we're going to start off by talking about when friendship feels one-sided.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: And this is so very common.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's the friend where or it's a relationship with someone where you're the one who's always sort of initiating plans.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're the one who's also initiating texting communication with them, right?
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you're the person who is you're always checking it with them, you know, just maybe checking it as like sending them a funny meme, or just, you know, making conversation in today's day and age, it is via, you know, through texting.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's always, I think, what I hear really all the time.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: I I shouldn't say always, but very, very, very frequently people talk to me about the friendship where they feel like they're always the one who's listening.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: And they're the one who really doesn't get to talk and doesn't really get to talk about what's happening in their lives.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: But, you know, they like seeing this person, but when they get together with them, they just take up all the the oxygen in the room and talk, talk, talk, talk, talk about all things in their lives.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I talked about this a little bit last week.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: You know, when you've left lunch, let's say with a friend or a few friends, and you realize like, like I said this last week, not one person asked me how I'm doing.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: Like I realize that I just listened to everybody else, but what what it feels like is like no one really knows me.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like they don't really know me, and no one really took the time to ask.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: That builds over time.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's also when friendships feel one-sided, it's also when you care about someone you care about that, but you feel disappointed in the friendship in general.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: They just they're disappointing you, you know, for all the reasons that I just said.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, or and for the reasons that I also didn't mention.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: Because there could be lots of different reasons for all of you why you feel the way you do.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: You know, feel disappointed, hurt, upset about a friend.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: And this is someone you care about, they're a friend.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously, you have a lot of things in common, right?
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: So I want to ask you, Tim, what what for you makes a friendship feel mutual for you?
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like or it's a back and forth.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_01: It's kind of what you said before.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: It's like there has to be a give and take.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_01: And I think if there's not a give and take, that's more obvious and it sticks out and it's it's it's more of like a red flag.
• 3:48
  unknown: Yeah.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_01: It's like if you feel like you're the one that's always initiating all things, then it's like, well, what's it's almost like, well, what's the haven't you been in a situation like that in your past where you did do that?
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: You were always the planner and the initiator.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: And I think it was it was it was welcomed.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, it was like, yeah, this that's amazing.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: Like somebody had to be the one that like kind of put all the things together.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, we'll get into that when you're the one who always is the one.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: But I think, I mean, you and I have had a couple friends where it's like we feel like we are the ones, and and maybe we're maybe we see it wrong.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_01: But but it feels like we're the ones that always initiate, we're the always the one that hosts, we're always the one that make the plans for the get together or the reach out or all that stuff.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_01: And and there's been plenty of opportunities where you're like, okay, I uh it'd be kind of cool if like that other couple would like do anything, like reciprocate in any way, right?
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_01: And then it doesn't happen.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: And it's like, and then we get like, uh, okay, there's a bad feeling, yeah.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, it's it's it's like a cycle, it's like this, it's like this cycle where it's like we kind of like keep kicking ourselves in the stomach a little bit, right?
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: Well, it's like just just let it because I think that I've said out loud, I know I've said to you, just let it go, just let it go, you know.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you know, and and Ian, I will admit, you know, especially like in my later 30s and my 40s, early 40s, I started to keep score.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I I did, I'll admit it.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: I started to keep score.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: I started to notice the people who we entertained a lot and the people who never missed, because we throw fun parties and we have we would have really fun dinner parties and get togethers and barbecues, whatever.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: Every season we were entertaining people, winters in Chicago, summers, you name it, didn't matter.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: And we love to do it.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: And for those of you who also host, I know this from my friends who have like boats and people who have second homes, or from my friends who also host, it's a lot of energy, it's a lot of time, it's a lot of money, it's a lot of energy to putting together something.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, some people will just like come over and their house is a mess.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: Most people don't do that.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, especially, you know, you want to clean up a little bit, but you also have to plan like who's coming and how much food do I need to buy.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I think I've gotten expert level at it as far as knowing, you know, how much to buy.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: And and I have some fail-safe meals, you know, that are easy to cook, whether it be winter in a crock pot or grilling outside, and I have my side dishes because I enjoy it.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: I love it.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I think that's the point though.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: I I enjoy doing it, but what you notice, and I would say it to you, was you notice like we have never seen the inside of their home or we've never seen their backyard, but they love to come every time we, you know, have, you know, we enjoy them.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: We want to have them over.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I didn't like that about myself.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't like that I started to feel the scorekeeping.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: And at the same time, I did feel that way.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: I started to feel resentful, like we've talked about.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: Like I started to feel a little resentment.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember telling another friend, you know, and like just like, why don't just take us out to dinner?
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: Let's go to dinner and and pay for dinner.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I don't, and I think sometimes when people are not the entertainers and they let in there the ones who go to the homes and go to to the things, they don't, I think they don't realize how much energy goes into it or how much money it costs to to put on to have people over.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: It just does.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: It just does.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's the extra thing.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I over the years started, so I stopped inviting certain people, but then we never saw them because they never did that.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: They never invited us over.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: We never, I had one friend tell me that this other friend who never entertained, she said, Well, I'm embarrassed of the inside of my house.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I get that.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: I understand that.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, okay, that that I understand.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know why she feels that way because she's in a we no one cares.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like, we didn't care.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: We just wanted to all get together.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: At that time, we had younger kids, we just wanted a night out.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: But she was, I guess, sensitive.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: She'd she was sensitive about that.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, okay, I understand.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: And that helps me.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I'm like, okay, well, all right, fine.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: We'll invite them back over again, you know, because that did go on for a bit.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: And and what was interesting is that those people fell off.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: Certain people fell off, but we just never saw them.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I think it was like, wow, were we even friends?
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: Well, go ahead, sorry.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_01: I think that's the point right there.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_01: Is like, like you and I enjoy we we do what we do because we enjoy doing it.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_01: Like we have fun doing it.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it's more about that.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: It's not about the okay, yeah, there's a there's a portion of this, it's about the time, it's about the effort, it's about the finances, it's about right, there's there's planning, all that stuff, but it's about that also.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_01: But I think the bigger piece of the pie is it's about the friendship.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_01: And when you give and give and give, and you feel like there's no nothing coming back your way, I think at some point you have to you have to dig deeper into it.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_01: You have to start to analyze like what is the true relationship here, right?
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I mean, it well, it and that we're being I'm of two minds.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I think that I can see myself saying, like, you know what, they don't ever entertain, but she always brings, like, usually people bring like a hostess gift.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, most people will do that, but like, like she brings like a major part of the meal.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: Like, she brings like two side dishes, and she's always like, How can I help?
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: How could I help?
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: And like, show like help clean up, or those are things I would notice.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I would notice that as somebody who hosts when you need help.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: And and I don't remember and I'm thinking about like a couple in particular, never saw that.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: They could they just enjoyed everything about coming over and sort of being entertained and served.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I, and I don't have memory.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I that would stick out in my mind because growing up in a large family, everybody had to help out.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: That's a value, I think, especially with my sisters and I, like that's a value.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: Like you help out.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: So that would really, it's a family value from my family of origin and it's a family value that I have now.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: So I would notice, like, hey, like, let's say Joan.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: Joni, you know, no, we she wasn't really entertained, but wow, she's like, she is great.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: Like she, she like always brings dessert and she brings a side dish and she's always up with me.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: Like, how can I help?
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: How can I help?
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: That person, you're always invited back because you're you're you're gracious and you show it.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: You know, that's not what I'm talking about.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: That I'm not talking about that.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if I line up with that.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I think that I think that person is is a really good acquaintance.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know that that person is a true friend.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_01: I I I think you could probably make that statement, right?
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_01: Like if that per if they never reach out to you, we're because we're talking about becoming resentful, right?
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_01: If that person never picks the phone up and calls you up.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'm talking about I'm talking specifically about like us entertaining.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_01: And that person never calls and initiates any type of entertaining where they ask you to go somewhere, right?
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_01: It's always like they'll pick the they'll pick your phone call.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: No, they no, they'll intro initiate like let's go for lunch or let's like go to dinner.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_01: Well, now you're changing the script a little bit, but okay.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I'm saying the person that doesn't do that, right?
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_01: Like, and and it's like you ask and you you because you asked me, like, what is it?
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: No, I have no, these are friends who, you know, over time, yeah, we all go out to dinner.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's everybody just whatever we everybody goes Dutch or pays for their own meal, girls' night outs.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: We used to go to restaurants.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's funny, since COVID, that doesn't happen as much as it used to before 2020.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: Like we were doing dinners like once a month.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: That has changed.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: But back then, I mean, yeah, she would, she would always was at the girls' dinners.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: I know a couple of people, and and everybody, you know, that was fine.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it just was she never entertained her home.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: And usually there was a certain group in the within this group that always had people at their house, like everybody would entertain.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: And so, you know, for those of you who entertain, like I have other friends, like they're amazing.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: We have other friends who they have everybody over, and I am so appreciative because I know, like she, like she and I will do it.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: We have another friend who, you know, she has a lake house and they're very generous.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: They don't entertain so much at their main home here in Chicago, but they invite everybody up to their lake house.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, that is such so generous of them to do that because it's a lot.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's a lot for them, and they're happy to do it, you know.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: So it's like we, I think we all, and maybe women, maybe we, I don't know.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, we keep score too much.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I keep score too much, but we all notice it.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you notice generosity, you notice hospitality.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I notice, I notice hospitality.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: My parents were amazing hosts, amazing and entertaining, and amazing at having people over and putting an extra, you know, place setting at the table growing up when I was a kid.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: I always saw it.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: And it was a value of theirs, which's been taught to me.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: So you all think about that for yourself.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: You know, where does this come from inside of you?
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: Where does this come from in your family of origin?
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I think I grew up with that.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: You did not, you've talked about this quite a bit to me.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: You did not see this growing up, right?
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: But I think you maybe you saw it.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if you saw in your first marriage with your first wife's, your ex-wife's family, maybe.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: I think you saw it with me, you know, and you're like right there with me on it.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like we entertain.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you're you're amazing what people.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: Tim's like, Tim walks, people come over and Tim's like, what can I get you to drink?
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: Like right away.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: You learned that.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what can I get you?
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: Do you want an Aperol spritz?
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: Do you want a non-alcoholic, you know, an NA beer?
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: Do you want water?
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: What can I get you?
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you're amazing at that.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: You learned it though.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: Because I don't I learned it from my mom and dad.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: I think you learned it from watching maybe my dad.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_01: I did, I did.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_01: But to stay with the actual question you asked me, like with the whole friendship thing.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I think you're trying to define friendship.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_01: And like, what was the actual question I remember?
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: But like you said, you asked me like what makes a friendship feel mutual to you?
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_01: That so that's actually the question.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_01: So when you don't get anything coming back after you, right?
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_01: Like when you don't get the phone call that comes back, you don't get the reach out.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_01: I don't care how amazing of a dishwasher you are when you come to my house, that's fine.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_01: That's a different conversation.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_01: But we the question was okay, if you don't get the return, then is that is that validating the the actual maybe depth of the relationship?
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: So I want all of you to think about what feels like mutuality to you.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: So that's important.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: So you're sort of defining it for yourself, Tim.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_02: Sure.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: But I want all of you who are watching this and and listening to think about.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: So maybe you would agree with Tim and you'd be like, Yeah, I agree with Tim.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: But maybe you'd be agree with me, where I'd say, okay, I don't, you know, no, that person never does have me over.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I do have them over quite a bit.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: Well, when they come over, they're really, they do show gratitude and they show their friendship to me because they're really very helpful to me.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_02: Sure.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: Or, you know, and they're they're actually the first one who's there to like, I'll pick up your kids from don't don't worry, I got them from football practice.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: Think about that for yourself.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: What feels like it's really a give back?
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: What feels mutual to you?
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe, maybe it's it's what Tim says, and maybe it's more of what I'm saying that you appreciate it in other ways about that person.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_01: And I think the other thing you gotta say too is like it's like you and I don't have a uh a whiteboard on the wall, right?
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, where where we're keeping a score tab of of like this or that, because I think true friendships, they are easy, right?
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_01: Like true friendships, like the other person wants to ask, reach out to you and see how you're doing.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_01: They want to ask you.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_01: That's a really good point, right?
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_01: So I I don't think that you have to even think about that.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's funny you say that because those people I'm thinking of are not people who I had an emotionally intimate relationship with.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: They weren't my, they weren't like my in the inner sanctium of my friendships.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, they were in the periphery.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: That's a good point.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_01: So I don't know.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_01: That that that's that's where I'm at.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, okay.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: And another thing for everyone to think about is when it comes to friendship, is this person in your life or these people in your life sometimes are going through hard seasons?
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: So the question for all of you is are they in a hard season or is this an ongoing pattern?
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: Really, really important, I think.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: So I want you to look at the pattern and the circumstances in your friends' lives.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, a friend going through a difficult season really probably has less to give, less to give of the friendship.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: And we, and I know I've seen this.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I've wondered why people have dropped off.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I've known and sometimes I haven't known until later.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I've had to reach out, reach out, text, let's go to lunch, let's go to lunch, go, let's go on a walk, let's go on a walk.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: And then you hear, like, oh, well, there you go.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_00: That's why they're not reaching out.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: That's why I had to text them three times to get this walk-in because they are going through it.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, oh, I'm I'm I'm sorry.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry I didn't know.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: And okay, I get it.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm thinking this inside of myself, right?
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: You know, so I'm I'm trying to withhold judgment and until you know, trying to just withhold judgment.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: And now, you know, life and and experience, I think wisdom has taught me to be more this way now than maybe I was in my you know, my 30s with people, right?
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_01: And might it also be that like if they are going through something like that, may maybe all of a sudden they are more visible, right?
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_01: All of a sudden they are reaching out more because they need more.
• 17:34
  unknown: Right.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: And then we're gonna get into that because sometimes you gotta be careful with that too.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_00: You know, yeah.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_01: I I do think that there's still room to talk about what it is that you need in the friendship, but it but it might be a good thing too, if they're reaching out, that gives you an opportunity to to get to make that relationship deeper, right?
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_01: Because you're you're kind of helping or assisting or just listening to them, you know?
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so some things I want you to consider when you're thinking about a friendship and a friendship, if you're just in a hard season right now, if this is an ongoing pattern, I want you to think about or consider for yourself with this one person or people you're thinking about as you're listening or watching this.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: Has this always been the dynamic with you and that person?
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_00: That's important.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_00: What has changed in their life?
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: Has something changed?
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like we just talked about you're going on a walk and then you're talking and you realize, oh, okay.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, there's there's there's something going on here.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: They're they're really taking God.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: I had no re I had no idea how hard it was with their aging parents right now.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't realize that.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't realize how often they were over there.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't realize they were frustrated about the finances and the paperwork and they didn't know what they were doing.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: And or their marriage is not doing great right now, you know, whatever it might be.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: You know, or they're they're hating their job.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_00: Like I didn't know it was this bad, right?
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, it could also just be just stages of life.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_00: It could be going through perimenopause or menopause.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, that affects personality, right?
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: And we're finally, thank God, talking about that more today than we we I think ever have been.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: I know the generations ahead of us didn't, but you know, menopause can turn us into really depressed, volatile, you know, combative, bitchy people.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_00: It can.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_00: Sure did with me, you know?
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, put I was like surly, grumpy in a bad mood a lot.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it truly was.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like I'd PMS 24 hours a day because I had PMS in my early, late teens, early 20s.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's like it all came back, but it came back with a with a geez, with a force unto itself.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, it could be something like that, right?
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I think it's important for you also.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_00: If you're the person who you're on the receiving end of this, have you asked that person for what it is that you need in their friendship?
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_00: So that's on you.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_00: Do you ask for and talk about what it is you feel like is missing in the friendship?
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_00: You know, and that's on you.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_00: I think that one thing we do is we we notice, we observe, and we do complain, and we don't do anything about it.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_00: So that's on us, right?
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_00: And that's on all of you.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_00: If that's you, and I get it, I get it, I get why it is that way.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_00: It's harder to talk about it and say anything, but what look at that within yourself as well.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I think the other thing too is like there's also another story in this, right?
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_01: Like there, there's the other person, right?
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_01: Like you might feel like they're a really good friend, right?
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_01: And and you could be wrong, right?
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_01: It could be that they don't feel exactly the same way.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_01: They might say, Yeah, you're you're a good friend, but you might say, Oh, they're really good friends.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_01: So your expectation level, the bar is a little bit higher for you, right?
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, well, that's the I think it's the keeping score, it's judging, it's thinking outside yourself, where am I on on the level?
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_00: You know, are they at the level?
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_00: Am I at the level for them?
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's some, I think you almost gotta not think about that.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_00: Like you gotta, we gotta let that go.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_00: Because, like I say all the time, it's none of your business what people say about you behind your back.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_00: It's really none of your business what people think about you.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you can't, we can't live our lives worrying like that, or you're not gonna have relationships for people.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_01: And so that's why I think for me, that's why it always circles back to is it easy?
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_01: Is the relationship easy?
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_01: If it's not, then take a second, step back and look at it.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, right.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_00: Because you and I have said to each other, we've said to each other about relationships and friendships, relationships shouldn't be this hard.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_00: We've said it to our kids about like paramour, romantic relationships, like, okay, it shouldn't be this hard.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_00: You know, this boyfriend, this girlfriend, this is okay.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_00: We know now.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, we've been through it, certainly, right?
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_00: We're sure more than halfway through our life on this earth.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_00: We know, and we're here to tell you, it shouldn't be this hard.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_00: And friendships, right, friendships shouldn't always be this hard.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_00: We're willing to do, we're willing.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_00: So for all of you, it's different.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: What we're willing to do, how far, what lengths we will go to to stay in a relationship, right?
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I think it's important for all of us to think about do we make room for other people in our lives, but then do we feel invisible?
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_00: Or are you the person who takes up a lot of space, takes up a lot of oxygen when you're around your friends?
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_00: And do you ever take the time to say, hey, I need to reach out to them and I need to be more of a listener?
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_00: Remember?
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_00: There's, you know, you have two ears and one mouth, two ears and one mouth.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_00: Am I ever the listener?
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_00: Do I ever like zip my lip and let them talk or ask questions about them?
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_00: Am I the person?
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe you're not.
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe this is hard for you.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm asking you to think differently about yourself in the context of a friendship.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're the person who needs to start to think about curiosity, get curious about your friends, wonder about them.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, I'm wondering about this with you.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_00: I'm wondering about that.
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, I'm curious about that with your kids.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_00: How was it when you went to that meeting that I remember you talked about some meeting?
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_00: How was that?
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_00: Ask questions of other people and then be quiet.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_00: Then zip your lip.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_00: They used to say in kindergarten and let the another person talk.
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_01: That's good advice.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe you don't know, you're like, well, I'm not, I don't, I don't know.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not really that way.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_00: Well, just try being the listener.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_00: Try being the, you know, I think we know what we're the top.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm the talker, right?
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'm the talker.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_00: And Tim, sometimes even the podcast team tapping me on the leg to stop talking.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_00: Stop stop talking now.
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_00: But you'll tap me.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, I think with my friends, I've been the well, we talked about this last week.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_00: I have been the listener.
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_00: And there's times I have left conversations and I've left times I'm like, they know nothing about me.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_00: They really know nothing about the inner workings of my life, what my stresses are, what my anxieties are, what I and sometimes I want some a lot of times I'll tell you I don't want to talk about, I don't want to talk about it.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I really just want a fun night.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_00: But then there are times or I just don't want to talk about myself.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_00: But then there are times I do need a sense of community.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_00: I do need a connection.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_00: And everybody think about this for yourselves.
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_00: What do you need?
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_00: There are times I do need in a listening ear, or I need to tell a story and you to not interrupt me in my story.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_00: I know you have attention deficit.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_00: I get it.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_00: I do too.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I need you to work on that.
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_00: I need you to work on stop interrupting or stop taking a story that I'm telling and turn it into a story about your story.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_00: And this is common.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_00: Like, oh, that that reminds me.
• 24:36
  SPEAKER_00: And now next thing you know, you're listening to them talk about a story about their boss.
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_00: You're like, wasn't I just talking it?
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_00: Wasn't I just telling people a story here?
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_00: Wasn't I just talking about something I'm dealing with?
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_00: And all of a sudden, like okay, now it's about you again.
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_00: So I think that that's really important for all of us, especially the talkers, to be quiet, you know, and to let other people talk, right?
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, for sure.
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_01: And then I think so, in that case, like you're you're willing to kind of be good with that.
• 25:09
  SPEAKER_01: You're talking about you personally, because that person is truly a really good friend, right?
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_01: And there are moments where the the the pages flip the other way, right?
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_01: There are.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_01: There's moments where you need to be heard and you have some.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm gonna tell you how to do that further in the episode.
• 25:29
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna get in debt with all of you of actually how to do that because and what I have done and what I recommend other people do.
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_00: So I think in general, I think we all need to give the friendship that you're in right now some context before deciding, you know, what feels like an imbalance.
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_00: So put it into context of what they're dealing with in their life or what they're dealing with, right?
• 25:51
  SPEAKER_00: So remember, are they in our season or is this an ongoing pattern to help you, you know, decipher the meaning or or the importance of this friendship for you?
• 26:01
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_00: So before we get going, please don't forget to rate, review, and subscribe to the podcast, you know, click downloads.
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_00: That makes a huge difference, everybody.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_00: So if there's anything that you can give back, we do this.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_00: This is a labor of love.
• 26:16
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we don't make any money doing this.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_00: So that will be a wonderful give back, is for all of you to scroll down and click five stars and to, you know, give us a word or two, you know, promoting the podcast.
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_00: And if you want to work with me in Illinois, I can see you as a therapist, as your therapist.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_00: And no matter where you are in the world, if you want coaching, please reach out to me.
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_00: Let's get on a discovery call.
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I would love to meet you.
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_00: Love to meet you.
• 26:43
  SPEAKER_00: I've met and coached some fantastic people, like not some, all.
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_00: All of you who reach out to me from the podcast, you guys are amazing badasses, and I'm I'm honored to be able to work with all of you from the podcast in coaching.
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_00: So that's been that's been so much fun for me, and I truly, truly love it.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_00: So email me, hello at anamarcaline.com, and then we'll get on a discovery call and we'll get you on the schedule for us to work together.
• 27:11
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_00: So going back to am I expecting too much from my friends, right?
• 27:17
  SPEAKER_00: So we talked about when friendships feel one-sided.
• 27:20
  SPEAKER_00: You need to think about if you're they're in a hard season or you're in a hard season, or this is an ongoing pattern with them.
• 27:27
  SPEAKER_00: You need to talk to them and then you need to make the need specific.
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_00: So this is important.
• 27:33
  SPEAKER_00: Now we're going into a little bit of action here.
• 27:34
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 27:35
  SPEAKER_00: So you got to identify what you want more of with this person or these people.
• 27:39
  SPEAKER_00: Identify that for yourself before you do anything else, right?
• 27:43
  SPEAKER_00: So, do you want, what do you want more of?
• 27:45
  SPEAKER_00: Do you want them to have more of an interest in your life, like I just said, and have some curiosity and ask you questions?
• 27:51
  SPEAKER_00: Do you need time to talk?
• 27:53
  SPEAKER_00: Do you need them to, you know, shut their pie hole and allow you to talk a little bit?
• 27:59
  SPEAKER_00: Do you need shared planning?
• 28:01
  SPEAKER_00: Do you need someone who also makes plans for dinners or weekends or lunches or walks, whatever it is you do, meet for coffee?
• 28:09
  SPEAKER_00: Do you need them to also sometimes reach out and make plans?
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_00: Do you need follow-up after something difficult?
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_00: So maybe you did go on a walk with them and you told them what was going on.
• 28:18
  SPEAKER_00: Do you need and appreciate, like, hey, you know, but that was it.
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_00: I never heard from them again.
• 28:23
  SPEAKER_00: That was like six weeks ago.
• 28:24
  SPEAKER_00: And yeah, they haven't even like reached out to me to ask me like how my mom is doing.
• 28:29
  SPEAKER_00: You know, maybe that's something that's important to you, you know, follow-up, right?
• 28:33
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, if you're somebody who you need a turn in the relationship, hey, it's my turn.
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_00: You know, here's something I think that you could say to them.
• 28:41
  SPEAKER_00: Something like this.
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_00: So there's something going on with me that I'd really like to talk through.
• 28:46
  SPEAKER_00: Do you have 10 minutes?
• 28:48
  SPEAKER_00: You know, do you have some time to get on the phone with me?
• 28:51
  SPEAKER_00: You know, so maybe that's like you saying, no, no, no, it's my turn.
• 28:55
  SPEAKER_00: I want to I want to take my turn, right?
• 28:57
  SPEAKER_00: You know, maybe you say at the beginning of a walk or meeting for coffee, you know, they're talking like us, and maybe you just like do the interruption, like something I'd really love to talk about today.
• 29:06
  SPEAKER_00: I know I've done that.
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_00: And it puts them on alert, puts them on notice.
• 29:09
  SPEAKER_00: Like, oh, okay.
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_00: She doesn't usually do that, you know.
• 29:12
  SPEAKER_00: I would love to just have 10 minutes today to kind of talk this through with you because it's showing like I want to talk to you.
• 29:18
  SPEAKER_00: I trust you.
• 29:19
  SPEAKER_00: You're my friend.
• 29:20
  SPEAKER_00: I want to talk, I want to share something with about in my life with you.
• 29:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm putting you on notice.
• 29:25
  SPEAKER_00: I I want to take time out of this coffee to be able to do that.
• 29:28
  SPEAKER_00: And really, if if someone said that to me, I'd be like, okay, I I talk a lot, is what I think.
• 29:33
  SPEAKER_00: Need to be quiet.
• 29:35
  SPEAKER_00: But that also they want there's intimacy there.
• 29:38
  SPEAKER_00: There, I'm a friend.
• 29:39
  SPEAKER_00: They want to share the inner workings or something that's happening in their life, and I'm honored by that.
• 29:43
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_00: You know, go ahead.
• 29:46
  SPEAKER_01: Let me just say this because I'm sure I'm not the only male that's listened involved in this conversation, whether it's you and I are the ones listening.
• 29:54
  SPEAKER_01: Most guys right now that are listening to this have absolutely no idea what you're talking about, right?
• 30:00
  SPEAKER_01: Like, like most guys would never get into a conversation that way ever.
• 30:06
  SPEAKER_01: Like, not once ever.
• 30:08
  SPEAKER_01: That's you know what I mean.
• 30:09
  SPEAKER_01: So it's like, and and so, and that's okay.
• 30:11
  SPEAKER_00: Most of our listeners are women, so I am speaking and that's fine.
• 30:15
  SPEAKER_01: I just I just think that it's like I think it'd be an interesting side conversation, like a different episode where it's like, well, then how from a male's perspective, right?
• 30:24
  SPEAKER_01: Like, how do you because like I think for a male, it's like I I would never call guys don't do that.
• 30:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I know, yeah, I know.
• 30:31
  SPEAKER_01: But but but it's fascinating just to women and men, yeah, heterosexual relationships do it, you know, yeah.
• 30:37
  SPEAKER_00: Women to women relationships, or maybe with your gay friend, yeah, you can do it.
• 30:42
  SPEAKER_00: You know, like if I have a gay best friend, you know, he talks or she talks all the time.
• 30:46
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like same thing.
• 30:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I can say to them, listen, I need some time to talk.
• 30:50
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I think now I we are generalizing.
• 30:52
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, we are I am generalizing here, and I'm very aware of it.
• 30:55
  SPEAKER_01: It's not every person, every time.
• 30:57
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 30:57
  SPEAKER_00: There's nuance, and each of you think about the people in your lives.
• 31:00
  SPEAKER_00: In general, what you're saying about guys, dudes, and I'm using those words on purpose is true.
• 31:06
  SPEAKER_00: You but you guys tend to work things out a little differently.
• 31:09
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 31:09
  SPEAKER_01: You know, you it's a bit, it's it's there's less strategy needed, I think, to get into these conversations.
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think you do that with your guy friends, Tim.
• 31:18
  SPEAKER_00: I think you here's what I have seen, because I have seen this a little bit with you over the years.
• 31:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but you say nothing and the relationship dies out, or you like them so much, you just suck it up like, oh, they're a big, huge talker.
• 31:29
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I don't really care.
• 31:30
  SPEAKER_00: You like you don't really care because you love talking to them about the Miami Dolphins because you have that in common, or football in general, and you'll like you don't care because they're just a talker, but you have a common hobby, a shared like, a common hobby that you do together.
• 31:46
  SPEAKER_00: Sure.
• 31:46
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I know when you were running, Tim used to run literally run a running club, and then you had a triathlon group and you would swim and bike.
• 31:54
  SPEAKER_00: You didn't swim, but you would bike and ran with everybody.
• 31:56
  SPEAKER_00: So you can't do it on the bike, but we would when we all ran together, whether it be through the running club only or the trathlon, the run part of the trathlon training, you never spoke.
• 32:05
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody on the runs was chat chat chalk talk, talk, talk, talk.
• 32:09
  SPEAKER_00: And you're a quieter guy.
• 32:10
  SPEAKER_00: You were happy to let everybody else talk.
• 32:13
  SPEAKER_00: And you'd be in the conversation, you'd just listening, you'd say a word here or there, but you really didn't speak.
• 32:17
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you were happy to be that person.
• 32:19
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 32:20
  SPEAKER_00: Because you loved running and you loved, you know, just being with everybody.
• 32:25
  SPEAKER_00: But was there anybody who was there ever a time when you were like, okay, I can't do this.
• 32:30
  SPEAKER_00: This guy like talks my ear off.
• 32:32
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 32:33
  SPEAKER_01: I don't think so.
• 32:35
  SPEAKER_01: Not that I can no, I don't think so.
• 32:37
  SPEAKER_00: I think you would just deal with it because you like them so much, or you'd be like, Yeah, I don't, I don't need to.
• 32:42
  SPEAKER_00: I've heard you say to me, Yeah, I don't need to see him again.
• 32:44
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, or we don't we don't need to do that again, or just run faster, right?
• 32:48
  SPEAKER_01: Because it's hard to talk like that if your heart rate's up and you're breathing heavy.
• 32:52
  SPEAKER_00: Or as Tim would do when he used to teach spin and everybody would be yammering in the beginning, beginning of class, social hour.
• 32:59
  SPEAKER_00: And I would say to you, because the workout would start, and I was like, Oh, serious, like my spin workout.
• 33:04
  SPEAKER_00: I would say to you, Tim, get the class going hard right away.
• 33:09
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and and I was like, because everybody's talking too much, because I was like totally like crazy about my spin workout back then.
• 33:17
  SPEAKER_00: And you and you would, and I'm like, just make it hard really fast, and you would, and all of a sudden, like, oh now it got quiet because everybody's working.
• 33:25
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 33:25
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, yeah, yeah, that's the way to get so all that to say, I I hear what you're saying about guys.
• 33:32
  SPEAKER_00: You guys are a little different in how you deal with it.
• 33:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I have seen you at times, usually with couples where somebody, a guy has been a huge talker, and you're like, it's not a fit.
• 33:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I know you haven't said that to me, but I've thought to myself it's not a fit because you'd be like, Yeah, we don't, and I've you said a few times, we don't ever need to do that again.
• 33:52
  SPEAKER_00: And that's it.
• 33:53
  SPEAKER_00: You don't, you don't take that they're not a friend, they're an acquaintance, but I'm talking about my girlfriends or people I've met in friendships with.
• 34:00
  SPEAKER_01: I understand that.
• 34:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I think guys are different from women, and you don't have all the guy friends that I have and girlfriends, and your few guy friends, you know, you guys are just you guys are just dudes together.
• 34:11
  SPEAKER_01: Well, and that and that's reciprocal, right?
• 34:13
  SPEAKER_01: Like I think that's that's the the attraction, right?
• 34:18
  SPEAKER_01: With those relationships is like it doesn't, it's not hard.
• 34:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I cannot see you saying to like one of our guy, your guy friends, hey, you know, there's something going off with me I'd really like to talk through right now.
• 34:30
  SPEAKER_01: That's exactly what I'm saying.
• 34:31
  SPEAKER_01: Like you would never do that, and neither would anybody out there that's a dude that's listening to this right now.
• 34:36
  SPEAKER_01: They'd be like, What?
• 34:37
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not making I'm not making that public.
• 34:39
  SPEAKER_00: You don't even do it with me.
• 34:40
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you would you do do it with me when you need to, but you don't say it like that.
• 34:44
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 34:44
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 34:44
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, all right.
• 34:46
  SPEAKER_00: Well, this is for all of you who this resonates for.
• 34:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's for all of you because I think that this is because I have said this to people before.
• 34:54
  SPEAKER_00: I I want to talk something through with you.
• 34:56
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, okay, you know, well, and I think women are socially, we're we are even more men, we are we're social creatures, we are wired for one another.
• 35:05
  SPEAKER_01: We just are.
• 35:06
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 35:07
  SPEAKER_01: And I think for all the guys in the room, it this is a good listen because like there's some piece of this we can take, we can borrow or steal, sure, right?
• 35:15
  SPEAKER_01: And and and use going forward.
• 35:17
  SPEAKER_00: So the next one I'm gonna give all of you, you have done with me, and I've seen you do this before.
• 35:22
  SPEAKER_00: So I think it's important that you know, how do you get your needs met in a relationship with somebody that you do care about, but maybe they're taking up all the oxygen.
• 35:31
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to redirect the conversation.
• 35:33
  SPEAKER_00: So that's really important.
• 35:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I do do this, I do it all the time now because I got to the point where I was like, I don't want to not be friends with these people, but I'm getting resentful.
• 35:41
  SPEAKER_00: I'm getting tired of this.
• 35:42
  SPEAKER_00: So if they interrupt me or or change a subject, I be right back.
• 35:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I say, wait, wait, wait.
• 35:49
  SPEAKER_00: There's somebody I want to finish, I want to finish what I was sharing.
• 35:52
  SPEAKER_00: Wait, I want to finish my story.
• 35:54
  SPEAKER_00: And they will stop because I think they just didn't realize what or they're that they interrupted me or that they like basically hijacked the conversation by telling their own story.
• 36:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'll bring it right back.
• 36:05
  SPEAKER_00: So you got to be assertive in this.
• 36:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like, wait, wait, wait, I want to finish my story first.
• 36:09
  SPEAKER_00: And that's been that's really worked very well.
• 36:12
  SPEAKER_00: I think okay.
• 36:13
  SPEAKER_00: You know, because I think that sometimes we don't realize what we're doing, right?
• 36:17
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 36:18
  SPEAKER_01: And don't you think it's like you've done it with me.
• 36:21
  SPEAKER_01: I have.
• 36:21
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 36:22
  SPEAKER_01: Probably did it yesterday.
• 36:23
  SPEAKER_01: I think there's also a third side to this too, right?
• 36:26
  SPEAKER_01: Where it's like, if it's family, right?
• 36:28
  SPEAKER_01: Because I think you can, I think that the bumpers on the on the lane, if we use a bowling reference today, I think I think they're a little bit wider with the family, right?
• 36:38
  SPEAKER_01: Like you're people a little bit more.
• 36:40
  SPEAKER_00: We're looser.
• 36:41
  SPEAKER_01: Well, and and there's a little bit more like you're in it forever with family, right?
• 36:46
  SPEAKER_00: Like there's no, yes, we are.
• 36:49
  SPEAKER_00: I think that I mean, I did it two weeks ago with my daughter.
• 36:52
  SPEAKER_00: I I did it where I wouldn't let her, I was being obnoxious and being silly.
• 36:57
  SPEAKER_00: I was kind of being obnoxious, yes.
• 36:58
  SPEAKER_00: She was trying to tell it there's a wedding coming up, yay, and she was talking about some drama with a wedding, and I sort of knew the story already, but she was repeating it because we were having family dinner, and she was repeating it and talking, and I was in and out of the kitchen, of course, like in and out of the room because I'm going to the kitchen.
• 37:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'm trying to get food ready and whatever.
• 37:19
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm in and out of the conversation, had already heard the conversation.
• 37:22
  SPEAKER_00: Doesn't matter.
• 37:23
  SPEAKER_00: She was telling it for the other people in the room for the first time, yeah, the drama, and I was being silly and I was making yeah, I was making like silly comments, and she goes, Mom, and if you're watching on YouTube, she's like, she looked like she was gonna like blow up.
• 37:43
  SPEAKER_00: She took a deep breath and she's like, Uh, mom, and I'm like, and I was like, Anna, stop.
• 37:48
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I told myself, stop.
• 37:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I just like, all right, all right.
• 37:50
  SPEAKER_00: I said, All right, all right, or stop, I'll stop.
• 37:52
  SPEAKER_00: And we just all we were she was sitting and we all just kind of stood around, and people were sitting on the couch, and I were I was standing next to some.
• 38:01
  SPEAKER_00: We were standing there and just stopped, like it was bad on me.
• 38:04
  SPEAKER_00: Like, stop talking, stop being silly.
• 38:06
  SPEAKER_00: This is hard for this.
• 38:07
  SPEAKER_00: Is a pain in the butt that she's dealing with at this wedding.
• 38:10
  SPEAKER_00: And we all just I stopped, not we all, me, and uh, I stopped and just listened.
• 38:16
  SPEAKER_00: And she and and stopped being silly because it wasn't it was wrong of me to be so silly in that moment and got serious and let her tell the whole story and let every and then there was a c and then that was it.
• 38:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I it was like I was put on notice, like stop being stop being not at the time, mom, read the room.
• 38:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I wasn't reading the room really because I was in and out, and I was not, I was being silly, and that's not the mood that was coming up in that moment.
• 38:41
  SPEAKER_00: As she wanted the oxygen in the room to tell the story, and then that was it.
• 38:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I shut my my pie hole and let her talk, and then we got into a good conversation, which she needed to kind of sort of just be able to vent and process through what it was that she was frustrated about.
• 38:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, ended up being totally fine.
• 38:58
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but that was me needing to like stop it, Anna.
• 39:01
  SPEAKER_00: Right, you know, right?
• 39:02
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so another one, if you were the person who you feel like you're always the one who's making the plans, something that you could say to a friend is, you know, I'd love for you, I'd love for you to pick a date.
• 39:16
  SPEAKER_00: Why don't you pick the date and plan our next get together?
• 39:18
  SPEAKER_00: And that's easy, you know.
• 39:19
  SPEAKER_00: You can do that in when we're like at the end of a walk, at the end of a coffee, you know, the pick you pick the next book club meeting, you know, you pick the next girl's night out, you you pick it and you plan it.
• 39:31
  SPEAKER_00: If you're the person who's like, I'm always planning, like, why don't you do it?
• 39:34
  SPEAKER_00: Why don't you do it?
• 39:36
  SPEAKER_00: And then you text me and let me know what it is, and I'll and I'll be there.
• 39:38
  SPEAKER_00: Like, there you go.
• 39:39
  SPEAKER_00: That's easy.
• 39:40
  SPEAKER_00: And you all can do that, okay?
• 39:42
  SPEAKER_00: If that's the you feel like you're always the one planning, okay.
• 39:46
  SPEAKER_00: And then after you make these requests of people, I think you need to give them a chance to notice it and make room.
• 39:54
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 39:54
  SPEAKER_00: I think you need to give them a chance to notice that you know, you need a turn.
• 40:00
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 40:00
  SPEAKER_00: Let them let them notice it and make room for you.
• 40:03
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 40:04
  SPEAKER_00: And usually, more than usually they will.
• 40:07
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 40:07
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to watch for their interests and follow through over time.
• 40:11
  SPEAKER_00: Like if, you know, what watch for that.
• 40:13
  SPEAKER_00: You know, do they do they follow up?
• 40:15
  SPEAKER_00: Do they get back to you?
• 40:16
  SPEAKER_00: Say, how is everything going with your mom?
• 40:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like, watch for that.
• 40:19
  SPEAKER_00: You know, after you've already you you said to them, Listen, I want to let me finish my story.
• 40:24
  SPEAKER_00: I want to tell you what's going on.
• 40:25
  SPEAKER_00: This is like really this is hard for me right now.
• 40:27
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I want to finish the story.
• 40:28
  SPEAKER_00: Then see if they follow up with you.
• 40:30
  SPEAKER_00: I have done that and I've and they have followed up because they realize, wow, I had no idea she was dealing with that.
• 40:35
  SPEAKER_00: Because they care.
• 40:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, these are people who care about you.
• 40:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, right.
• 40:38
  SPEAKER_00: Also, if a clear request helps you understand what the friendship can offer, right?
• 40:45
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I mean, you've made a clear request to them, right?
• 40:49
  SPEAKER_00: And it and it helps you understand really what what this friendship is, you know, what that friendship can give to you, what what they can offer you, right?
• 40:59
  SPEAKER_00: You know, that they they have more capacity and you're putting it on them.
• 41:02
  SPEAKER_00: You have more capacity to do more here with this friendship, right?
• 41:05
  SPEAKER_00: Depending on the situation.
• 41:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like I said, this nuance for everyone.
• 41:08
  SPEAKER_00: There, you're not gonna do that with someone, okay, you're feeling this way, and they're in a hard season.
• 41:12
  SPEAKER_00: So you know, you wait till they get out of the hard season before you say to them, why don't you make the next plans?
• 41:17
  SPEAKER_00: If they're in a hard season, no, no, no, you're not doing that right then, right?
• 41:20
  SPEAKER_00: So you all know this.
• 41:21
  SPEAKER_00: You're gonna wait, and and maybe you're gonna do it, maybe you're gonna wait a year, you know.
• 41:26
  SPEAKER_00: But maybe they're in a really maybe they they're dealing with someone who's they've there's a cancer diagnosis in the family.
• 41:31
  SPEAKER_00: Someone's got a chronic disease diagnosis now.
• 41:34
  SPEAKER_00: No, no, no.
• 41:35
  SPEAKER_00: So I have done that.
• 41:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, okay, you're let Anna, you're letting that go.
• 41:39
  SPEAKER_00: You care about this person, you like this person.
• 41:41
  SPEAKER_00: They don't have the bandwidth to do this right now.
• 41:44
  SPEAKER_00: They're not going to.
• 41:45
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 41:45
  SPEAKER_00: So you're gonna be the one who's always gonna say, Hey, Saturday morning, let's meet at so-and-so trail for a walk.
• 41:50
  SPEAKER_00: Let's go, let's go for a hike, you know, because they need that.
• 41:53
  SPEAKER_00: They're not going to reach out, they don't have the emotional bandwidth.
• 41:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, say to them, we're meeting so-and-so, 9 a.m., 8 a.m., 7 a.m., meet me there, let's go.
• 42:02
  SPEAKER_00: And bring up a cup and bring them coffee.
• 42:05
  SPEAKER_00: Like, okay, so that's when come on.
• 42:07
  SPEAKER_00: Well, they we're not keeping score on that.
• 42:09
  SPEAKER_01: No, and I don't think you should happen.
• 42:11
  SPEAKER_00: But in a year or two years, so you all think about this for yourselves, right?
• 42:16
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, maybe you're having that conversation if it feels like it's take, take, take.
• 42:20
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 42:20
  SPEAKER_00: You, as people, we we understand the feeling inside of ourselves when it's like, yeah, Anna, you know, I have friends say to me, and clients say to me all the time, yeah, I was there for them.
• 42:29
  SPEAKER_00: No, no, no, none of the this is never a problem.
• 42:32
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I've I was there for them, brought them food, gave them gift cards for meals, took their kids, you know, did their laundry.
• 42:39
  SPEAKER_00: That was two years ago.
• 42:41
  SPEAKER_00: And it and and the the crisis has abated.
• 42:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's still the same way.
• 42:45
  SPEAKER_00: It was before the crisis that was this friendship.
• 42:48
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 42:48
  SPEAKER_00: Well, why are we in the friendship?
• 42:50
  SPEAKER_00: Because we laugh so much together.
• 42:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I enjoy being, I love sitting with her at baseball games.
• 42:56
  SPEAKER_00: We would just sit there and laugh.
• 42:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I did love her stories, and I love listening to her, and I loved having conversations with her.
• 43:01
  SPEAKER_00: And then when when the crisis hit, I was happy to be there for her, but it's it's abated now, and here it is two years later, and it's still like does this person even know me?
• 43:11
  SPEAKER_00: That's a different that's different.
• 43:13
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, right.
• 43:14
  SPEAKER_01: Well, you're describing somebody that like in this case, like you're being a good friend, right?
• 43:19
  SPEAKER_01: You you're you're doing what a good friend would do, right?
• 43:22
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, right, but the other person is not being a good friend.
• 43:27
  SPEAKER_01: They're really not.
• 43:28
  SPEAKER_01: And okay, there's a moment of being needy, but you just bookended it with it was it was this, and there's this moment.
• 43:36
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna get into that.
• 43:37
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 43:38
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, we're gonna talk more about that.
• 43:39
  SPEAKER_01: And it's I think at some point you'd be doing yourself a big favor to have that light bulb flicker a little bit and be like, hang on a second, right?
• 43:48
  SPEAKER_01: Like, like this is an acquaintance, right?
• 43:51
  SPEAKER_01: This is not a this is not a good friend.
• 43:53
  SPEAKER_01: I might think that.
• 43:54
  SPEAKER_01: That's why I said that earlier.
• 43:56
  SPEAKER_01: They might not.
• 43:56
  SPEAKER_01: They might not think that.
• 43:58
  SPEAKER_00: Well, they may think you're a great friend.
• 44:00
  SPEAKER_00: Because you're always the person who's there for them in their life.
• 44:02
  SPEAKER_00: But they were they haven't taken the time to think about have I been there for them?
• 44:06
  SPEAKER_00: Have I ever asked them about that?
• 44:08
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 44:08
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 44:08
  SPEAKER_01: You're describing the moment in the middle.
• 44:11
  SPEAKER_01: You're not describing what was going on at the beginning and what's going on in like now, right?
• 44:16
  SPEAKER_01: Like you're describing that middle ground where like you were an amazing friend to them, you know, and they have really appreciated all of that.
• 44:23
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that there's like you always say, like, there's friends that come and go, right?
• 44:27
  SPEAKER_01: They're they're in our they're in our bubble for a second.
• 44:30
  SPEAKER_01: And friends for a reason, friends for a few.
• 44:31
  SPEAKER_01: And then they're not.
• 44:32
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 44:32
  SPEAKER_01: So so just I guess I think for me, I would like embrace that middle ground, right?
• 44:38
  SPEAKER_01: Where it's like I'm able to give, give, give, and help this person through.
• 44:42
  SPEAKER_01: And and maybe I my aspirations were that this was be was a good, good friend, but maybe that wasn't the case.
• 44:48
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe I was put in that place for a different reason to help them get through that.
• 44:52
  SPEAKER_01: And then they can give that back to somebody else, and I'll never know that, right?
• 44:56
  SPEAKER_01: They can give that to a good friend in their world later in life or a family member or something like that.
• 45:03
  SPEAKER_00: I have friends who there were months and months and months where I didn't really speak to them or text them.
• 45:11
  SPEAKER_00: We were they were in a season.
• 45:13
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, not there's no falling out, they just faded away.
• 45:17
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 45:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I have friends who came back, you know, who are back, who I'm very close with because we our lives are aligning right now.
• 45:25
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I think the school years with kids at home and especially if the kids are at different, different middle, you know, you're in different communities.
• 45:33
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I mean, different grade schools, middle schools, high schools, you really get into those of you who have kids, you know, you do get really into where your kids go to school.
• 45:43
  SPEAKER_00: Sure.
• 45:43
  SPEAKER_00: And so the friends who I met via sport, triathlon, they didn't live real close by and their kids were in different, they're in different communities.
• 45:52
  SPEAKER_00: Chicago's a huge city.
• 45:54
  SPEAKER_00: And I didn't see them during those years because, and we didn't even text or talk or make plans because it was it was hard.
• 46:00
  SPEAKER_00: Life was hard.
• 46:01
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you think about that if you're, you know, maybe you're caregiving or you have a really stressful, maybe you don't have kids, but you've got a really stressful job, or you're back in grad school, or you're you're doing you're you're working two jobs.
• 46:14
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's hard to have friendships in times like that.
• 46:17
  SPEAKER_00: And and I know that I went through seasons with friends.
• 46:20
  SPEAKER_00: I had see there's friendship for season and friendships for reason.
• 46:24
  SPEAKER_00: And these are people who were sort of my ride or dies.
• 46:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like I knew that they would be there if something was to happen and I was to tell them.
• 46:31
  SPEAKER_00: And they were when you got you got sick with lymphoma.
• 46:34
  SPEAKER_02: Sure.
• 46:34
  SPEAKER_00: And then it fell back off again because they were crazy busy with their own lives.
• 46:37
  SPEAKER_00: There's nothing personal.
• 46:39
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 46:39
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it wasn't, you know, I knew that they loved me, I knew that they cared about me.
• 46:43
  SPEAKER_00: They just were in it themselves, and it faded back out.
• 46:47
  SPEAKER_00: And then COVID hit, and COVID really affected a lot of friendships because we weren't seeing one another.
• 46:53
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, I think time has gone by and people's kids have gotten older.
• 46:57
  SPEAKER_00: Some friends have really gotten into their adult children, their adult children's spouses, and now a lot of them are their kids are having kids, they're becoming grandparents, and they're totally into that.
• 47:09
  SPEAKER_00: And they have decided to not leave room so much for friendships.
• 47:13
  SPEAKER_00: I get that.
• 47:14
  SPEAKER_00: I hear about it every day in my practice with clients, and this is therapy and coaching clients.
• 47:20
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, you hear about this all the time.
• 47:21
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 47:22
  SPEAKER_00: The changing tides, the changing, the changing tides of our lives, the seasons in our lives, and what's happened with friendships.
• 47:28
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, this isn't just everyone, this isn't just people in their 20s and 30s, teenagers.
• 47:33
  SPEAKER_00: This is especially women, it's throughout our lives.
• 47:36
  SPEAKER_00: I hear it with my clients who are 60s, their 70s, their 80s.
• 47:41
  SPEAKER_00: This is still a thing with women.
• 47:44
  SPEAKER_00: This goes on.
• 47:45
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, if you didn't have grandchildren, how it changes for you versus your friends who were like your your best friends.
• 47:52
  SPEAKER_00: You played tennis, you played paddle, you know, you you played mahjong all the time, and people were playing mahjong 30 years ago, and now they're not doing mahjong anymore.
• 48:01
  SPEAKER_00: They're not playing pickle because they have grandbabies, and they're that all of a sudden you're like, what about me?
• 48:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like, did I ever matter?
• 48:08
  SPEAKER_00: Did it what about our friendship?
• 48:09
  SPEAKER_00: And you, it's hurtful because you start to think, wow, I guess I really didn't matter that much.
• 48:14
  SPEAKER_00: Family really is more important to you as it ought to be.
• 48:18
  SPEAKER_00: My dad used to always say, family is your family, is your family, like family, and but it's hurtful, and it's so hurtful when you feel like you're not that important anymore.
• 48:28
  SPEAKER_00: And we were best friends, or you were so and I learned a lot of women, as we get older, we don't say best friends anymore.
• 48:35
  SPEAKER_00: We just say you are a really good friend, you were a dear friend.
• 48:37
  SPEAKER_00: What happened to that?
• 48:38
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's hurtful, it's deeply hurtful for women when friendships fall out, right?
• 48:44
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, and I've had friends who've come back because, you know, like I said, we just are aligned a little bit better now again.
• 48:52
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I don't know what's gonna happen when grandchildren come.
• 48:54
  SPEAKER_00: I hope that I will be the person I've listened to so many people in my office on and on Zoom, coaching clients, whose hearts have been broken by friendships.
• 49:06
  SPEAKER_00: Their hearts have been broken and and friendship breakups with women, it's like a sword, it's a it's a dagger to the heart.
• 49:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't think, Tim, you have felt it the way that I have felt it.
• 49:19
  SPEAKER_00: It has it's a heartbreak what it does to us, and it can take years to get past a friendship breakup for women.
• 49:27
  SPEAKER_00: I'm telling you, I have heard women tell me, Anna, this friendship breakup is worse than my divorce.
• 49:34
  SPEAKER_00: There's something about women with women that's so painful when something ends.
• 49:39
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, there's been a breakup.
• 49:40
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 49:41
  SPEAKER_00: So I want you all to know, I hear you on that, and I'm right there with you.
• 49:45
  SPEAKER_00: I I feel that I can empathize and I do empathize with all of you on that.
• 49:50
  SPEAKER_00: I know how how hard it is.
• 49:52
  SPEAKER_00: My heart breaks for my clients who are on, like they're on the Zoom with me, or they're sitting in my office, and they're just I see they're heartbreaking too.
• 50:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's hard to watch.
• 50:05
  SPEAKER_00: I see the depression that the sometimes the clinical depression that comes up when something ends.
• 50:11
  SPEAKER_00: So I I want to tell you, I mean, this is this is a it's a serious topic.
• 50:16
  SPEAKER_00: Friendships are serious.
• 50:17
  SPEAKER_00: We need each other, we need friends, we need friends, yeah, right.
• 50:21
  SPEAKER_00: And and this episode is about how to communicate and how to take action and how to get your needs met in friendships, all because I understand that holding on to them is so, so important for us.
• 50:32
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 50:33
  SPEAKER_01: If you if you were to take friends for you in general, from the time you were 15 to now, right?
• 50:44
  SPEAKER_01: And you were to put them into two different categories.
• 50:46
  SPEAKER_01: You've got really, really good friends, right?
• 50:49
  SPEAKER_01: And then you've got these fringe friends, people that like come in and come out.
• 50:53
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 50:54
  SPEAKER_01: What's the percentage?
• 50:55
  SPEAKER_01: This versus this.
• 50:57
  SPEAKER_00: I think there's a people who are I talk about this a lot in in my work with my clients, but there are people who like the people who are on who get to be in my front row of my life, let's say three or four very good friends.
• 51:13
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 51:14
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 51:15
  SPEAKER_00: I have a lot of people on the periphery.
• 51:16
  SPEAKER_01: Like, like dear friends.
• 51:18
  SPEAKER_00: Or like well, if I include my sisters in that, I'd say six.
• 51:22
  unknown: It's over.
• 51:23
  SPEAKER_00: My sisters are like my friends, you know what I mean?
• 51:26
  SPEAKER_00: But they're not, but they are.
• 51:27
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 51:27
  SPEAKER_01: So let's let's take that six, let's round it up to ten.
• 51:30
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 51:31
  SPEAKER_01: Let's say you have ten.
• 51:32
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 51:32
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 51:32
  SPEAKER_01: What's that other number?
• 51:34
  SPEAKER_01: What's that?
• 51:35
  SPEAKER_00: What's about the friends on the periphery?
• 51:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 51:36
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, there's a bunch.
• 51:37
  SPEAKER_00: Hundreds.
• 51:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's a no, there's not hundreds, but there's since you're 15.
• 51:41
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, since that's 15?
• 51:42
  SPEAKER_00: Hundreds.
• 51:42
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know about hundreds.
• 51:44
  SPEAKER_00: Hundreds.
• 51:45
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, there's a lot of a lot of acquaintances and a lot of friends, but they're not people I'm real close with.
• 51:50
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 51:50
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 51:51
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that it is kind of how life is.
• 51:53
  SPEAKER_00: Go look at my Facebook, my Facebook.
• 51:55
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, including Facebook friends, isn't it?
• 51:58
  SPEAKER_01: Those are fake friends.
• 51:59
  SPEAKER_01: Facebook means nothing to nothing.
• 52:00
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 52:01
  SPEAKER_01: That's zero.
• 52:02
  SPEAKER_01: That's we're not even talking about that.
• 52:04
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just my point is this.
• 52:05
  SPEAKER_01: If you think about it in terms of work, let's say, let's talk about your work friends, right?
• 52:10
  SPEAKER_01: Like that kind of like is a snapshot of life in general, I think, right?
• 52:14
  SPEAKER_01: Like you go to some place and you work and you're there for five years, you're for 10 years, you're there for six months, whatever it is, right?
• 52:20
  SPEAKER_01: You develop relationships with people and you become friends with them.
• 52:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 52:25
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 52:26
  SPEAKER_01: Friends in air quotes, right?
• 52:27
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, we have work wives and work husbands, work besties.
• 52:31
  SPEAKER_01: But you'd be hard pressed.
• 52:33
  SPEAKER_01: Now, if maybe there's a few, maybe there's a couple, maybe there's one, but you'd be hard pressed to say, out of those, I let's say you've been working for 40 years, and you've you've had many friends, different hospitals you worked at, all the things.
• 52:47
  SPEAKER_01: Really good friends in the moment, in real time, but not so much now, right?
• 52:52
  SPEAKER_01: I think that's kind of how life goes.
• 52:54
  SPEAKER_00: Life does go that way.
• 52:55
  SPEAKER_01: I think be a really good friend in real time is the best advice because you don't know how long that's gonna be.
• 53:02
  SPEAKER_00: I have a couple that stick.
• 53:03
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I have a bunch of the nurses that I worked in oncology with that we still meet.
• 53:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's becoming fewer and far between now.
• 53:10
  SPEAKER_00: There you go.
• 53:10
  SPEAKER_00: And we still are connected, we still text, we have a text group, and we we'll meet like quarterly for for dinner.
• 53:15
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 53:16
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, yeah.
• 53:17
  SPEAKER_01: So it's like so when you think about this, this big conversation we're having, like I think like when you give, when you we're asking ourselves to give emotionally, give financially, give with our time.
• 53:28
  SPEAKER_01: That's why I think when we look at like our really good friends and those relationships are easy, like we don't even think about this kind of stuff.
• 53:35
  SPEAKER_00: Well, here's what I here's what we started to do, back to that, because I want to get I want to get back to like keeping score and pulling away what to do for for all of you.
• 53:44
  SPEAKER_00: But what we did about that was we started to bring our dinner parties down.
• 53:48
  SPEAKER_00: We didn't have big groups anymore, because I found that it was a ton of work.
• 53:54
  SPEAKER_00: You and I were really working hard, like we were like like working a restaurant.
• 53:59
  SPEAKER_00: And I loved seeing everybody talking to each other.
• 54:02
  SPEAKER_00: But what I found was that I never really had a good conversation with any one person that whole night because I was too busy getting up from the table or in the back of my mind thinking about what time do I have to take the what time is, you know, whatever, the casserole out of the oven, with you know, whatever.
• 54:16
  SPEAKER_00: And you're getting up and you're out on the grill, or you're it just was hard for you and I to really have good conversations with people.
• 54:22
  SPEAKER_00: I noticed it, you noticed it, we talked about it.
• 54:25
  SPEAKER_00: And so we brought the number of people that we had over down to six.
• 54:28
  SPEAKER_00: I don't usually we have like two other couples over.
• 54:31
  SPEAKER_00: That way it's smaller meals, it's less of everything, and you sit and you can really have good conversation, laugh, connect, feel like you really were able to pour into people and they could pour into you.
• 54:43
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 54:44
  SPEAKER_00: So we started to do that.
• 54:45
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 54:46
  SPEAKER_00: We in general don't have big, big, huge parties the way we used to for 4th of July.
• 54:50
  SPEAKER_00: We'd have big Christmas parties.
• 54:53
  SPEAKER_00: We don't do that.
• 54:54
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we'd have like open houses.
• 54:55
  SPEAKER_00: Not that I well, we still have bigger Fourth of July parties, not that I wouldn't have like a Christmas sort of open house, but we don't do it as much because it's like we just we just why are we doing this?
• 55:08
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, people don't RSVP, and then you just yeah, and maybe this is the keeping score piece that it's like what if they like we never have been invited to their house.
• 55:18
  SPEAKER_00: We've never seen, we'd never invited to their home.
• 55:20
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 55:21
  SPEAKER_00: But anything, yeah, you know.
• 55:23
  SPEAKER_01: I I think you just nailed it right there because, like, for me, I enjoy when people come to our house and we're able to to I don't want to use the word sir, but like like make an environment where they're comfortable and they're we do, it's our personalities, yeah.
• 55:39
  SPEAKER_01: But but I enjoy the fact that they're able to sit and and and have good conversations with the rest of our friends or the rest of our family.
• 55:46
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, because I also know, and I don't think about this at all until I'm thinking about now because the people we have over love to laugh.
• 55:53
  SPEAKER_01: Hang on one second, and and they also are gonna be the ones that are gonna have the party at their house next time, right?
• 56:00
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, yes, right.
• 56:01
  SPEAKER_01: So so I understand that they also know that they're gonna take the moment to let us be the ones to sit and we have one friend who's amazing, yeah.
• 56:11
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, she's a great entertainer, and I so so appreciate her.
• 56:15
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, she's fantastic.
• 56:16
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, that what you know the food, the I mean, she's just really, really we have a couple friends who are really good at it, you know, outstanding.
• 56:24
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and I say my sisters are good at it too.
• 56:26
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, we all learn from my parents, my mom and dad were yeah, so good at it, and my sisters are good at it too when I got home.
• 56:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, live in Chicago.
• 56:32
  SPEAKER_01: It just makes those relationships, again, like those are really good, good, good friends, right?
• 56:38
  SPEAKER_01: And it just it should be so easy because it's like it's this give and take.
• 56:42
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so yeah.
• 56:43
  SPEAKER_00: So I want to go on a little bit before we have to end and talk about, you know, all the things we've talked about so far in this episode today.
• 56:50
  SPEAKER_00: What I want you to do is I want you to practice this.
• 56:53
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 56:53
  SPEAKER_00: So I want you to practice, and I said this, I think I I know I did a social media post on this, and I maybe I mentioned it last week.
• 57:00
  SPEAKER_00: When I talk with my clients and they're telling me something they wanna, maybe they're talking about a friend and and and they're talking about a friend who's they're they're tired of like they feel like they're being taken for granted and they're they're developing resentment towards them.
• 57:15
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe they're the person who let's take the friend who you have that every time you start to talk, they turn the conversation into something about them.
• 57:24
  SPEAKER_00: This is actually quite common, you know.
• 57:26
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I got a story for that because that person is actually trying to connect with you and join up with you, we call it.
• 57:32
  SPEAKER_00: They are doing it in a wonky way.
• 57:35
  SPEAKER_00: They don't know how to do it in a way that's successful for them.
• 57:38
  SPEAKER_00: So they're they're taking the oxygen from you and they don't really realize that they did it.
• 57:44
  SPEAKER_00: And so I'm in a coaching call and the person is complaining about this one friend, but they do want to be in this friendship with them.
• 57:51
  SPEAKER_00: So I say, Well, what would you tell me what it is, tell me the situation, tell me what it is that's bothering them, bothering you about them.
• 57:58
  SPEAKER_00: And they will tell me.
• 57:59
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, Well, what do you what do you feel about that?
• 58:01
  SPEAKER_00: How does it make you feel?
• 58:03
  SPEAKER_00: And they're they're talking about the situation and how it makes it feel.
• 58:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, Well, you need to talk to them.
• 58:08
  SPEAKER_00: And like, oh, I do.
• 58:10
  SPEAKER_00: Like, yeah, you need to, well, okay, Anna.
• 58:13
  SPEAKER_00: And say that.
• 58:15
  SPEAKER_00: Say exactly what you just said to me.
• 58:17
  SPEAKER_00: You just said it so well.
• 58:19
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 58:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like, oh, oh, I did.
• 58:21
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 58:22
  SPEAKER_00: Everything you just said, you can say to them.
• 58:25
  SPEAKER_00: You said it well, it wasn't mean.
• 58:27
  SPEAKER_00: You didn't like put them down.
• 58:29
  SPEAKER_00: You you used I statements, you talked about how you felt, what you think, what you'd like to see change.
• 58:34
  SPEAKER_00: You did it.
• 58:36
  SPEAKER_00: Say exactly that.
• 58:37
  SPEAKER_00: Like, oh, okay.
• 58:39
  SPEAKER_00: You know, so we pra and we'll practice that.
• 58:41
  SPEAKER_00: So we'll role play that a little bit again.
• 58:43
  SPEAKER_00: So I want you all to do that, that you can do this on your own.
• 58:46
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 58:47
  SPEAKER_00: So role play, practice what it is you would say, and then say it.
• 58:51
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 58:52
  SPEAKER_02: Interesting.
• 58:52
  SPEAKER_00: So maybe you talk to your spouse, maybe you talk to another friend, maybe you talk to your mom, maybe you talk to your sister, your brother, you know, you talk to your coworker, whatever.
• 59:00
  SPEAKER_00: You know, don't take up too much oxygen.
• 59:02
  SPEAKER_00: Take what do this with somebody who is, you know, you have give and take with, but tell them, hey, can I talk to you about something that's I gotta get off my chest and talk to them and listen to this episode with Anna.
• 59:11
  SPEAKER_00: She's, you know, Mark Aline, this badass confidence coach, she's got this great podcast.
• 59:15
  SPEAKER_00: And she talked about doing this with somebody.
• 59:17
  SPEAKER_00: So can I just tell you like what can I just practice like what I might say to them and do it?
• 59:22
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 59:23
  SPEAKER_00: And that usually is all you need to do, really.
• 59:26
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 59:26
  SPEAKER_00: We get so caught up in our fear and our insecurities.
• 59:29
  SPEAKER_00: Go ahead and do it.
• 59:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but practice it, practice will help you.
• 59:32
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 59:32
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 59:33
  SPEAKER_00: So let's go into a little bit about keeping score and then when you start to pull away.
• 59:38
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're if you will find that you're quietly counting inside yourself, like the calls, the texts that you're texting, the invitations that you've made, which you and I have done over the years, the favors that you've done for this person, maybe you're keeping score, like who showed up for whom?
• 59:57
  SPEAKER_00: Like I always show up for I always show up for her, I always show up for him, and he's never there back for me.
• 1:00:02
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to ask yourself two things.
• 1:00:06
  SPEAKER_00: What specific imbalance needs a conversation for you?
• 1:00:09
  SPEAKER_00: What specific imbalance in this relationship needs needs a conversation for you?
• 1:00:16
  SPEAKER_00: And what are you hoping they're going to figure out?
• 1:00:19
  SPEAKER_00: What are you hoping they're going to figure out?
• 1:00:22
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 1:00:23
  SPEAKER_00: So here's the secret test going silent to see whether they notice.
• 1:00:30
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 1:00:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's kind of a test.
• 1:00:31
  SPEAKER_00: Waiting to see how long it takes them to call you.
• 1:00:35
  SPEAKER_00: And they may not know what you are waiting for.
• 1:00:40
  SPEAKER_00: They may not know.
• 1:00:41
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 1:00:41
  SPEAKER_00: So this is what you're doing.
• 1:00:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like you're you're so you're sort of secretly testing them, but they have no idea that you're going silent to see if they're noticing.
• 1:00:49
  SPEAKER_00: No, no, they're not noticing.
• 1:00:50
  SPEAKER_00: They're not noticing.
• 1:00:52
  SPEAKER_00: They just are not that, they're not noticing.
• 1:00:54
  SPEAKER_00: You know, waiting to see how long it takes them to call.
• 1:00:57
  SPEAKER_00: You're playing a game with them.
• 1:00:58
  SPEAKER_00: Now, now we're playing a little bit of games, head games, but they don't know that they're in the game with you.
• 1:01:04
  SPEAKER_00: That's they don't know.
• 1:01:05
  SPEAKER_00: You're playing a game with yourself.
• 1:01:07
  SPEAKER_00: You think they're in it, they're not in it.
• 1:01:08
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 1:01:09
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 1:01:09
  SPEAKER_00: And because they don't know, they are not mind readers, they don't know what you're waiting for.
• 1:01:13
  SPEAKER_00: That's your secret test, right?
• 1:01:15
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 1:01:16
  SPEAKER_00: So I want you to adjust your effort.
• 1:01:18
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to number one, I want you to consider their capacity.
• 1:01:22
  SPEAKER_00: They may not have the capacity at that moment, in that month, in that year, to give to the relationship more than they already are.
• 1:01:32
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they need to be.
• 1:01:33
  SPEAKER_00: We've talked about this, Tim, you and I.
• 1:01:34
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they are a taker right now.
• 1:01:36
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they just need to be a taker.
• 1:01:38
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 1:01:38
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 1:01:39
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 1:01:39
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to also consider what they can comfortably give, along with being a taker and their capacity.
• 1:01:45
  SPEAKER_00: What can they comfortably give?
• 1:01:46
  SPEAKER_00: And you all think about this.
• 1:01:47
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you're like, yeah, they can give more.
• 1:01:50
  SPEAKER_00: And there's they if they have the capacity.
• 1:01:52
  SPEAKER_00: I don't, I don't know of anything that's going on right now.
• 1:01:54
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you do need to check that out with them.
• 1:01:56
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 1:01:57
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they can't comfortably give right now what it is that you want them to give to you.
• 1:02:02
  SPEAKER_01: And I think would you just know that?
• 1:02:04
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 1:02:05
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes I wouldn't assume it.
• 1:02:07
  SPEAKER_00: I wouldn't assume it.
• 1:02:08
  SPEAKER_01: But if you're a good friend, wouldn't you know?
• 1:02:09
  SPEAKER_01: Like I'll be able to do that.
• 1:02:10
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes and sometimes we don't.
• 1:02:11
  SPEAKER_00: Interesting.
• 1:02:11
  SPEAKER_00: Some of my closest friends don't always know the things that are going on with me because it's very hard for me to start talking about things that have been very hard for me.
• 1:02:18
  SPEAKER_00: It it takes a while.
• 1:02:19
  SPEAKER_00: I I'm not going to just start yammering and talking on a walk.
• 1:02:22
  SPEAKER_00: I gotta, it takes me some time.
• 1:02:25
  SPEAKER_00: It takes like 15, 20 minutes.
• 1:02:27
  SPEAKER_00: And then I usually start to open up.
• 1:02:29
  SPEAKER_00: I just can't, I can't just meet with you and just start talking, talking, talk about myself.
• 1:02:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's not my nature.
• 1:02:34
  SPEAKER_00: And you need to remember if the if the effort, if you feel like the effort is staying one-sided for you, then you can change how much you want to invest in this relationship.
• 1:02:43
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 1:02:44
  SPEAKER_00: So if the effort does stay one-sided over time, and each of you will evaluate this for yourself, then you can change totally fine how much you invest in that friendship, in that relationship.
• 1:02:56
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you do have to change your investment because it really is sucking.
• 1:03:02
  SPEAKER_00: There are people who are bottomless pits of need.
• 1:03:04
  SPEAKER_00: There are people who there's a hole in the bucket.
• 1:03:07
  SPEAKER_00: You know, there's a hole in the bucket, and you keep you they just take and take and take and take, and there's only, oh my gosh, like I keep pouring into their bucket and there's a hole in there because it doesn't end.
• 1:03:19
  SPEAKER_00: You gotta you gotta think about that.
• 1:03:20
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, because that's on that gets into like your own mental health.
• 1:03:23
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 1:03:24
  SPEAKER_01: And I think part of that is also on them.
• 1:03:26
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, it's their bucket, right?
• 1:03:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:03:29
  SPEAKER_01: Like they they should at some point need to like, hey, I need to take a look at this.
• 1:03:33
  SPEAKER_00: But and many people don't do that.
• 1:03:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, many people don't take a look at it.
• 1:03:38
  SPEAKER_00: There, they they're you would be surprised at the lack of introspection that some of us have.
• 1:03:43
  SPEAKER_00: We just we just it's a blind spot for all of us.
• 1:03:45
  SPEAKER_00: We just don't take the time to look at how do I look?
• 1:03:48
  SPEAKER_00: We call it an observing ego.
• 1:03:50
  SPEAKER_00: How do I show up?
• 1:03:52
  SPEAKER_00: How how do I possibly, you know, am I seeming to the people in my life?
• 1:03:58
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 1:03:59
  SPEAKER_00: Do I look like a person?
• 1:04:00
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, I take.
• 1:04:01
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, you know, I like to be this way, I like to be that way, but I'm also a person who likes, who does things that are not my norm.
• 1:04:08
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you didn't grow up with a mother who was thoughtful of other people.
• 1:04:11
  SPEAKER_00: So then you have to start to create that in yourself because you didn't see thoughtfulness.
• 1:04:16
  SPEAKER_00: You didn't see someone who is gracious, you didn't see somebody who, you know, I'll tell you, when you got when you were sick with lymphoma and you were going through chemo, who is it that was amazing were our Jewish friends?
• 1:04:29
  SPEAKER_00: They just showed up because that's a community that rallies around one another when there is illness and there is sickness.
• 1:04:36
  SPEAKER_00: And we have a lot of Jewish friends who were in a Jewish community.
• 1:04:39
  SPEAKER_00: They rallied around us, all of them.
• 1:04:41
  SPEAKER_00: We have Jewish friends from from the sports world, from the from the triathlon world, from the fitness world, from my colleagues, from my work colleagues.
• 1:04:51
  SPEAKER_00: We have in the neighborhood of parents of our friends who were like they came around and they were the ones like, all right, who we gotta we got a castle tree going.
• 1:05:02
  SPEAKER_00: That was what they did.
• 1:05:03
  SPEAKER_00: They just stepped up.
• 1:05:05
  SPEAKER_00: And so many of us did not were not raised with that.
• 1:05:08
  SPEAKER_00: So think about you know, what is it that I need to see?
• 1:05:11
  SPEAKER_00: And who is it that I can go talk to who can help me see this in myself that I can't see?
• 1:05:16
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 1:05:17
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so that's the deeper work, that's the harder work, that's blind spot work for all of you.
• 1:05:21
  SPEAKER_00: Big, big, big principle of coaching is doing blind spot work.
• 1:05:24
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 1:05:25
  SPEAKER_01: And isn't that like, I mean, that to me seems like a baseline.
• 1:05:29
  SPEAKER_01: Like, like that's that's something that if like we could write the ship on that one a little bit, even even sort of a little bit, what wouldn't it just be a better world in general if if we could teach people to like look at themselves like and consider how they're being perceived?
• 1:05:47
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:05:48
  SPEAKER_00: And and think about like maybe think about what your gifts are, because each each of us has gifts.
• 1:05:52
  SPEAKER_00: What is your gift?
• 1:05:53
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm good in a crisis.
• 1:05:55
  SPEAKER_00: I know that, and my friends sort of not sort of, they know that about me.
• 1:06:00
  SPEAKER_00: They I am not, so I'm not like the first person to go and like, I have done it and I do do it because I learned from my friends.
• 1:06:07
  SPEAKER_00: I learned about like you go to sunset and you get soup when people everybody all had COVID, like, you know, dropping soup off on people's doorsteps or outside their door, you know, going and I've been doing this for 30 years.
• 1:06:20
  SPEAKER_00: So I did learn this from not actually not so much from my mother.
• 1:06:24
  SPEAKER_00: I learned it from my friends, making lasagnas and and getting soup and doing that.
• 1:06:28
  SPEAKER_00: But what I, my superpower, what I'm really good at with my friends is showing up in a crisis because I have the mental health background and and I've worked in crisis.
• 1:06:38
  SPEAKER_00: I've worked in hospitals, I've worked in emergency rooms to trauma.
• 1:06:41
  SPEAKER_00: I also worked in clinical mental health for so many years and still am to this day.
• 1:06:45
  SPEAKER_00: You know, 40% of my practice is still therapy.
• 1:06:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I have those resources I know from social work.
• 1:06:52
  SPEAKER_00: I know, you know, how to help you all get what it is you need that you don't know.
• 1:06:58
  SPEAKER_00: I know how to navigate the medical hospital system.
• 1:07:00
  SPEAKER_00: I know how to navigate mental health.
• 1:07:03
  SPEAKER_00: And so that is where I shine.
• 1:07:05
  SPEAKER_00: I am, I think, good.
• 1:07:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I think you would admit, I'm the person who's going to show up in the ER with you.
• 1:07:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to the ER.
• 1:07:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, for sure.
• 1:07:12
  SPEAKER_00: I don't care what time at 3 a.m., you call me, I'm there.
• 1:07:15
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:07:15
  SPEAKER_00: Because I know the questions to ask of the ER docs and the nurses that you don't.
• 1:07:19
  SPEAKER_00: And my friends know that about me.
• 1:07:21
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:07:21
  SPEAKER_00: That's where I'm a good friend.
• 1:07:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's in crisis.
• 1:07:24
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 1:07:24
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I don't know what to do.
• 1:07:25
  SPEAKER_00: This psychiatrist, the stupid mental health system, which we're all dealing with.
• 1:07:29
  SPEAKER_00: Lindsay Clancy trial really illuminated the broken mental health system we're dealing with.
• 1:07:35
  SPEAKER_00: I am the person who knows how to navigate that.
• 1:07:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not perfect at, I'm not a great at, but I will tell you, you need to talk to this person.
• 1:07:43
  SPEAKER_00: You get those medical records.
• 1:07:44
  SPEAKER_00: You need to do this, you need to do that.
• 1:07:46
  SPEAKER_00: I think that's how I am a friend to my friends.
• 1:07:50
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 1:07:50
  SPEAKER_01: No, I think that's fair for sure.
• 1:07:52
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:07:52
  SPEAKER_00: And my brother, I mean, he said to me, Anna, thank God.
• 1:07:55
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I threw out questions that no one knew with my parents.
• 1:07:59
  SPEAKER_00: You know, like, you know, you can Medicare pays for that.
• 1:08:02
  SPEAKER_00: No, Medicare doesn't pay for that.
• 1:08:03
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you can ask for this.
• 1:08:04
  SPEAKER_00: You can ask for that.
• 1:08:05
  SPEAKER_00: They had, they're like, what?
• 1:08:06
  SPEAKER_00: We didn't even know to know that.
• 1:08:08
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 1:08:08
  SPEAKER_00: You know, my brother, he was great.
• 1:08:10
  SPEAKER_00: He like this summer, he's like, Anna, thank you so much for that.
• 1:08:13
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, I never even knew that that was an option.
• 1:08:16
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's an option.
• 1:08:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I feel badly that I can't do more because that's stuff that's just like wrote for me, yeah, having worked in hospitals for so many years.
• 1:08:22
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 1:08:23
  SPEAKER_00: So think about your gifts as a friend.
• 1:08:25
  SPEAKER_00: Think about what you bring to friendships and how where you can shine.
• 1:08:29
  SPEAKER_00: What are your superpowers?
• 1:08:30
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you are the person who I'm happy to listen to you for an hour.
• 1:08:34
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 1:08:35
  SPEAKER_00: Or I'm the person who likes to, I'm an action taker.
• 1:08:37
  SPEAKER_00: I like to take action.
• 1:08:38
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 1:08:39
  SPEAKER_00: You know, maybe you're the person who's like, no, no, don't worry.
• 1:08:41
  SPEAKER_00: For the next month, I will do all the drives for the kids.
• 1:08:44
  SPEAKER_00: I got it.
• 1:08:44
  SPEAKER_00: Don't worry, but I'm happy.
• 1:08:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's on my way home anyway.
• 1:08:47
  SPEAKER_00: I'll pick up your kids every day from school.
• 1:08:50
  SPEAKER_00: I got that.
• 1:08:50
  SPEAKER_00: I can do that.
• 1:08:51
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 1:08:52
  SPEAKER_00: Don't worry.
• 1:08:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'll take over your role at church.
• 1:08:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'll do that.
• 1:08:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'll tell everybody, like, I got it.
• 1:08:56
  unknown: Okay.
• 1:08:57
  SPEAKER_01: I think if if we could figure out like how to how to walk through life with a little bit of our conscious mind thinking about what our legacy is going to be.
• 1:09:08
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 1:09:08
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 1:09:09
  SPEAKER_01: Like, like, what are people going to say about you 20 years, 30, 40, 50 years from now?
• 1:09:15
  SPEAKER_01: Like, like, how will you be remembered?
• 1:09:17
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 1:09:17
  SPEAKER_01: And that's how we should think about like how we're being we're we're constantly being viewed by others, by what we do, right?
• 1:09:25
  SPEAKER_01: Like being a good person.
• 1:09:27
  SPEAKER_01: What do they say at funerals?
• 1:09:28
  SPEAKER_00: What do they say at funerals?
• 1:09:30
  SPEAKER_00: People don't remember how much money you made, right?
• 1:09:33
  SPEAKER_00: The car you drove, the second home you had.
• 1:09:37
  SPEAKER_00: They don't remember or care about any of that.
• 1:09:39
  SPEAKER_00: They remember how you made them feel.
• 1:09:42
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 1:09:42
  SPEAKER_00: That's what we remember.
• 1:09:44
  SPEAKER_00: How someone made us feel.
• 1:09:46
  SPEAKER_01: Right, right.
• 1:09:46
  SPEAKER_01: So that's if you can think that in real time, remember that in real time, and act on that.
• 1:09:53
  SPEAKER_01: Like, like be the good friend.
• 1:09:55
  SPEAKER_01: Do the right thing, right?
• 1:09:56
  SPEAKER_01: Like, like be I and some of that stuff, like, I don't think you can fake it.
• 1:10:00
  SPEAKER_01: Like, if if it's not in humanity, and what are your I know, I know, and what are your superpowers?
• 1:10:04
  SPEAKER_01: And that too.
• 1:10:05
  SPEAKER_00: What is your superpower?
• 1:10:06
  SPEAKER_00: So you know, and I was it felt a little weird.
• 1:10:09
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'd have liked to toot my own horn, but I thought it was appropriate for this conversation today.
• 1:10:13
  SPEAKER_00: And it came up recently because I don't think about those things.
• 1:10:16
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think it's just what you do as a friend.
• 1:10:18
  SPEAKER_00: And yeah, it's also being, I don't know, just my moral wiring, the way I was raised.
• 1:10:24
  SPEAKER_00: And but a friend said to me in this summer, we were, I don't know, I said something about like what kind of like, oh you're you're a good friend.
• 1:10:34
  SPEAKER_00: And she said, no.
• 1:10:35
  SPEAKER_00: She came over to me, she walked over to me, she gave me a hug.
• 1:10:38
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, No, you're a good friend.
• 1:10:41
  SPEAKER_00: You have helped me, you've helped my family so much.
• 1:10:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, What?
• 1:10:46
  SPEAKER_00: Because that was like six, seven years ago that I helped.
• 1:10:49
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, she still remembers that.
• 1:10:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and she still thinks about that.
• 1:10:52
  SPEAKER_00: That's not even, I don't even think about that anymore.
• 1:10:54
  SPEAKER_00: That that was not hard for me to do.
• 1:10:57
  SPEAKER_00: It was easy for me to do how I helped them navigate the mental health system back then.
• 1:11:01
  SPEAKER_00: But that was so it was, it ended up being game changing, the services that they ended up getting.
• 1:11:07
  SPEAKER_00: But I don't even think about that.
• 1:11:08
  SPEAKER_00: But she is because you remember those things.
• 1:11:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:11:12
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 1:11:12
  SPEAKER_00: Let's go on.
• 1:11:13
  SPEAKER_00: So let's move on because I want to give you all power moves.
• 1:11:15
  SPEAKER_00: So let's talk about, I want to talk a little bit about gossip and changing closeness with friends.
• 1:11:21
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 1:11:22
  SPEAKER_00: So remember, pettiness, pettiness, people being petty, that's there's no age group for that.
• 1:11:28
  SPEAKER_00: Pettiness is pettiness.
• 1:11:29
  SPEAKER_00: I want you all to just I'm just putting that out there.
• 1:11:32
  SPEAKER_00: And it's also important for everybody to know that Gen X, which is us, baby boomers, we do it too.
• 1:11:38
  SPEAKER_00: Like I said earlier about like, I'm telling you, I have Gen X, of course I have Gen X, I have baby boomers in my practice.
• 1:11:45
  SPEAKER_00: I have had the silent generation, but unfortunately, they're getting much older now.
• 1:11:49
  SPEAKER_00: They're in their 80s.
• 1:11:50
  SPEAKER_00: They do it too.
• 1:11:52
  SPEAKER_00: They can be petty, they can keep score as much as everybody else.
• 1:11:56
  SPEAKER_00: I have clients, I've had clients in their 80s.
• 1:11:59
  SPEAKER_00: They have issues with female friendships as much as anybody else.
• 1:12:03
  SPEAKER_00: It is no different.
• 1:12:05
  SPEAKER_00: This is part of the human condition.
• 1:12:07
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 1:12:07
  SPEAKER_00: So I want you, it's oh, and they can also decline the messenger role, right?
• 1:12:13
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I think that's something you talk with her about directly.
• 1:12:17
  SPEAKER_00: Like they can decline being in that messenger role, right?
• 1:12:21
  SPEAKER_00: So pettiness is not an age group.
• 1:12:23
  SPEAKER_00: It happens everybody.
• 1:12:24
  SPEAKER_00: Gen X and baby boomers also do it too, and also can decline the messenger role.
• 1:12:31
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's important.
• 1:12:33
  SPEAKER_00: Like, yeah, I think you need to talk to her about that directly.
• 1:12:36
  SPEAKER_00: Get yourself out of what we call a triangle.
• 1:12:39
  SPEAKER_00: Get yourself out of a triad.
• 1:12:40
  SPEAKER_00: Don't be in triads.
• 1:12:42
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 1:12:42
  SPEAKER_00: So that's just being of good character.
• 1:12:45
  SPEAKER_00: Don't don't try your best not to get into gossip and pettiness, all right?
• 1:12:49
  SPEAKER_00: There's fading versus ghosting.
• 1:12:51
  SPEAKER_00: We did a whole episode a couple, a few years ago on ghosting.
• 1:12:54
  SPEAKER_00: And this is something that people we still talk about quite a bit in and relationships in my practice.
• 1:13:00
  SPEAKER_00: What is fading and what is ghosting?
• 1:13:02
  SPEAKER_00: So mutual drifting and a relationship that doesn't need an announcement.
• 1:13:06
  SPEAKER_00: That doesn't need, we don't need to really get into that.
• 1:13:08
  SPEAKER_00: Just just mutual fading.
• 1:13:10
  SPEAKER_00: Like I said, people fade in friendships all the time.
• 1:13:14
  SPEAKER_00: And that's okay.
• 1:13:15
  SPEAKER_00: That doesn't, we don't even need to go to even talk about that.
• 1:13:18
  SPEAKER_00: We just fade out of friendships, like you said with me earlier, with all the different groups of friends we have in our lives.
• 1:13:24
  SPEAKER_00: You work, you're in a new job, you haven't been in a job in five years.
• 1:13:27
  SPEAKER_00: Those friendships from that job, they have just faded.
• 1:13:29
  SPEAKER_00: You're you you're for you're 45-minute commute from that job and no one lives near you.
• 1:13:32
  SPEAKER_00: You just faded.
• 1:13:33
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 1:13:34
  SPEAKER_00: You know, with a close friend, consider explaining maybe why you need distance.
• 1:13:39
  SPEAKER_00: And this is something I think that most, if not everybody, doesn't do.
• 1:13:43
  SPEAKER_00: You know, and if you do do it, kudos to you.
• 1:13:46
  SPEAKER_00: It takes courage and bravery, and you're a badass.
• 1:13:49
  SPEAKER_00: You know, someone who is a close friend of yours, sometimes it is important to consider, you know, why and consider explaining to them why you need distance.
• 1:13:59
  SPEAKER_00: Unfortunately, people don't do that.
• 1:14:02
  SPEAKER_00: I think you need to keep safety and circumstances in mind when you're thinking about ghosting someone.
• 1:14:08
  SPEAKER_00: I would not recommend you ghost people.
• 1:14:11
  SPEAKER_00: I I and I I know it happens.
• 1:14:13
  SPEAKER_00: I know it happens all the time, because like I just said, it takes courage and it takes bravery to be able to talk to somebody about why it is you need some distance from them.
• 1:14:22
  SPEAKER_00: Some if you can do it, amazing.
• 1:14:24
  SPEAKER_00: You could talk about the circumstances, you can talk about and think about your own emotional, psychological, mental safety.
• 1:14:31
  SPEAKER_00: You know, some possible wording.
• 1:14:33
  SPEAKER_00: If you're gonna do that is, you know, I felt hurt by how our conversations have gone over the past six months or the year, and I just need some distance.
• 1:14:42
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I have been hurt.
• 1:14:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I would think that the person would be like, What?
• 1:14:45
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, wow.
• 1:14:46
  SPEAKER_00: You know, and maybe there's an opportunity for repair right there because you're saying I need some distance before you go into it.
• 1:14:52
  SPEAKER_00: Know that maybe you know them.
• 1:14:54
  SPEAKER_00: You can see if they'll get defensive and argumentative and and be like a brat, bratty towards you, or if they'll be like, What?
• 1:15:01
  SPEAKER_00: I had no idea.
• 1:15:01
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe there's an opportunity for repair.
• 1:15:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'd rather see you all do that than just completely ghost somebody because ghosting is also painful for the recipient.
• 1:15:10
  SPEAKER_00: And remember, they even they they may be the person who takes up all the oxygen in the room.
• 1:15:15
  SPEAKER_00: They may not have done blind spot work, which most people have it, and they don't and they don't have the observing ego to know, like, oh, maybe why are they doing this?
• 1:15:24
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe sometimes you do know deep down inside.
• 1:15:26
  SPEAKER_00: You do know, yeah, I do I do talk a lot.
• 1:15:28
  SPEAKER_00: I have been talking a lot.
• 1:15:29
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, I don't know what's going on in her life because I I don't know.
• 1:15:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, because I don't ask.
• 1:15:36
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 1:15:37
  SPEAKER_00: So what can you let go of in a friendship, Tim?
• 1:15:40
  SPEAKER_00: What are some things that you have let go of and you you have let go of in somebody who you're friends with?
• 1:15:46
  SPEAKER_00: Something that kind of bugs you.
• 1:15:48
  SPEAKER_01: Like what type of person can I let go of?
• 1:15:50
  SPEAKER_00: What are some things about friends that you're like, uh, I don't like this about them, but I'm gonna let go of it because I like them.
• 1:15:55
  SPEAKER_00: I like them.
• 1:15:56
  SPEAKER_00: I want to stay friends with them.
• 1:15:57
  SPEAKER_01: Uh what kind of attributes?
• 1:15:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:15:59
  SPEAKER_00: Someone who talked a lot.
• 1:16:00
  SPEAKER_01: Again, guy to guy.
• 1:16:02
  SPEAKER_01: But I I don't I don't I don't know.
• 1:16:04
  SPEAKER_00: Think about couples or women friends, because you have women friends.
• 1:16:07
  SPEAKER_01: What can I overlook?
• 1:16:09
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I guess as the person that can is all about themselves, I can to a point overlook that.
• 1:16:16
  SPEAKER_01: I think at some point I'm like, okay, that's that's that's enough.
• 1:16:19
  SPEAKER_01: You you've like fallen into the bucket now.
• 1:16:21
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 1:16:22
  SPEAKER_00: So what do you do?
• 1:16:23
  SPEAKER_00: Just distance yourself from them?
• 1:16:25
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I think so.
• 1:16:27
  SPEAKER_01: I think like I won't You don't walk away or ghost people.
• 1:16:30
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 1:16:30
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not gonna walk away, but I might not get let's say in a social setting.
• 1:16:35
  SPEAKER_01: I I might I might be conscious to not let myself get one-on-one with that person or one on two or whatever it is, because I know how it's gonna go because history doesn't lie, right?
• 1:16:46
  SPEAKER_01: So I I'm just aware of that.
• 1:16:48
  SPEAKER_01: So I'll just conveniently and you don't think they can change, it sounds like you don't think they're going to change.
• 1:16:53
  SPEAKER_01: No, yeah.
• 1:16:54
  SPEAKER_01: I think I think there's some people that just so you just distance yourself sometimes physically from yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 1:17:00
  SPEAKER_01: I guess I mean I mean, I don't know, I've never even thought about that before, but yeah, I guess so.
• 1:17:05
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I think so.
• 1:17:07
  SPEAKER_00: Women, we are so different about it.
• 1:17:08
  SPEAKER_00: So different, yeah, so different.
• 1:17:10
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so here's like a dude would just like literally just walk away, like literally would like turn around and be like, Okay, I'm on to the next thing.
• 1:17:16
  SPEAKER_00: You're not doing this, yeah.
• 1:17:17
  SPEAKER_01: It's like it's it's easier.
• 1:17:18
  SPEAKER_01: It is there's there's no like overthinking it analyzing it, like it's like all right, it's funny.
• 1:17:25
  SPEAKER_01: Like you just walk the opposite way.
• 1:17:27
  SPEAKER_00: I've always had guy friends.
• 1:17:28
  SPEAKER_00: So it was in grade school.
• 1:17:29
  SPEAKER_00: I've always had guy friends.
• 1:17:31
  SPEAKER_00: My one of my best friends in high school was a guy.
• 1:17:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you know, I've always hung out with guys, always been a tomboy.
• 1:17:37
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I have four older I, you know, I have three sisters, but I have four older brothers.
• 1:17:40
  SPEAKER_00: I've but I've always loved to be around guys, probably because of that, because there was I do love relationships.
• 1:17:47
  SPEAKER_00: There's no drama, it's it's not a lot of emotionality.
• 1:17:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's you know, there's just it's just we're friends.
• 1:17:53
  SPEAKER_00: There's part of that that I absolutely love.
• 1:17:55
  SPEAKER_00: And I know that's why I'm attracted to guys as friends, and I've always had and still do to this day, always had mostly in my practice as women, but always 20 to 30 percent of my practice is men.
• 1:18:08
  SPEAKER_00: I love working with men, and that's been I love that because there's just there's the there's it's refreshing to to hear a guy be like, Yeah, we're not we're not doing this anymore, and that's it.
• 1:18:21
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, oh, there's not a whole big conversation and having to process and fighting and getting angry.
• 1:18:25
  SPEAKER_01: Don't need to analyze it.
• 1:18:26
  unknown: Yeah, all right.
• 1:18:27
  SPEAKER_00: So let's go on to power moves.
• 1:18:29
  SPEAKER_00: We've gone way, way long.
• 1:18:30
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so number one, I want you to name the gap, okay, and these friendship relationships.
• 1:18:36
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to name it.
• 1:18:37
  SPEAKER_00: So you may say something like to yourself, I wish there was more of fill in the blank, but in this friendship.
• 1:18:45
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 1:18:45
  SPEAKER_00: So I want you to choose one recent example for yourself.
• 1:18:48
  SPEAKER_00: So you can say this to yourself, or maybe if you're gonna talk to them, this is how you would start off.
• 1:18:52
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I wish there was more of so and so, like maybe give or take in this friendship.
• 1:18:57
  SPEAKER_00: I would, I wish there's more opportunity for me to share a little bit more about myself.
• 1:19:01
  SPEAKER_00: I think that that's gonna really be heard quite well from somebody.
• 1:19:04
  SPEAKER_00: Choose a recent example of let's say every time we go on a walk, I feel like, you know, no one, I don't get to talk about me.
• 1:19:11
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 1:19:12
  SPEAKER_00: Number two, I want you to make a clear request.
• 1:19:14
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I so ask for time to be able to talk.
• 1:19:18
  SPEAKER_00: You know, ask for help with planning, you know, uh, when we whatever, planning our future dates together.
• 1:19:25
  SPEAKER_00: You know, maybe ask for a check-in.
• 1:19:27
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're somebody that'd love it if you check in with me.
• 1:19:29
  SPEAKER_00: I love that.
• 1:19:30
  SPEAKER_00: I love it.
• 1:19:30
  SPEAKER_00: We used to do it and you don't do it as much.
• 1:19:32
  SPEAKER_00: I love it when you did that.
• 1:19:34
  SPEAKER_00: Choose a recent example, okay?
• 1:19:36
  SPEAKER_00: Always give examples.
• 1:19:37
  SPEAKER_00: Practice the words out loud first, like I said.
• 1:19:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like, practice, practice, practice.
• 1:19:41
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're gonna ask for somebody, ask like, hey, I would love more time when we get together just to talk about and check in a little bit with you about what's happening in my life.
• 1:19:50
  SPEAKER_00: Practice that out loud, like I just did it.
• 1:19:52
  SPEAKER_00: Like, hey, I would love listen to your intonation, listen to the tone in your voice.
• 1:19:57
  SPEAKER_00: By the way, I'm having somebody on here who's a voice coach and we talk about this.
• 1:20:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's really important, you know.
• 1:20:03
  SPEAKER_00: So I can do it on the podcast, but I want all of you to take this and put it into your own life, talk about it.
• 1:20:09
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I would love to be able to next time, I would love to be able to talk a little bit about myself.
• 1:20:14
  SPEAKER_00: Like there's some things going on, and I feel like sometimes I don't get to share what's happening with me.
• 1:20:18
  SPEAKER_00: That sounds okay.
• 1:20:19
  SPEAKER_00: That sounds really good, actually.
• 1:20:20
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 1:20:21
  SPEAKER_00: So do that.
• 1:20:22
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 1:20:22
  SPEAKER_00: So drop the secret test, drop the testing, everybody.
• 1:20:26
  SPEAKER_00: You know, tell them, tell this person what it is you want, give them room to respond and then take a turn.
• 1:20:33
  SPEAKER_00: Give them room to respond and then let them have at it.
• 1:20:36
  SPEAKER_00: Let them take a turn at it, okay?
• 1:20:38
  SPEAKER_00: You know, number four.
• 1:20:40
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm gonna, I'm gonna go quickly because I see our time here.
• 1:20:43
  SPEAKER_00: Number four, I want you to watch what happens next.
• 1:20:45
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 1:20:46
  SPEAKER_00: So notice interest and follow-through over the next few interactions.
• 1:20:51
  SPEAKER_00: Notice, are they interested and do they care about what you said?
• 1:20:54
  SPEAKER_00: And notice or follow-through over the next few times that you're together, okay?
• 1:20:58
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever the situation is for you.
• 1:21:00
  SPEAKER_00: You know, but I want you to keep their circumstances in view.
• 1:21:03
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 1:21:04
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to keep what it is that they're going through in their life, keep that relevant, you know, keep put it always keeping the context of what's happening in their life as well as in your life, all right.
• 1:21:14
  SPEAKER_00: And at the same time, you're gonna look at patterns, right?
• 1:21:17
  SPEAKER_00: So you're, you know, is this somebody that is this just a season they're in right now, or is this a pattern of them being this way?
• 1:21:24
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 1:21:25
  SPEAKER_00: And then next, I want you to adjust your effort, right?
• 1:21:28
  SPEAKER_00: So I what I want you to choose what you could offer without resentment.
• 1:21:32
  SPEAKER_00: So, what can you offer for the to this friendship without resentment?
• 1:21:36
  SPEAKER_00: So, you and I, what did we do?
• 1:21:37
  SPEAKER_00: We stopped having these big get-togethers with all these people, people who were on the sort of the outer circle of friendships, people who are acquaintances.
• 1:21:46
  SPEAKER_00: We started bringing it down to smaller dinner parties, smaller get-togethers, just really good friends, and people who were also great at entertaining and reciprocating.
• 1:21:54
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what we did.
• 1:21:55
  SPEAKER_00: Or if they didn't, you know, or people who they we'd meet there for dinners and they'd pick up dinner.
• 1:22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Like we started to do that.
• 1:22:01
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, because that felt a little bit more like, you know, it and friendships are not always equal.
• 1:22:06
  SPEAKER_00: So I want to be clear about that.
• 1:22:08
  SPEAKER_00: But something that, you know, we wouldn't feel resentment.
• 1:22:11
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, let me tell you, like we were spending a lot of money on food and alcohol, like a lot.
• 1:22:17
  SPEAKER_00: And there were times we did it, we didn't even have the means to do it, we shouldn't have been doing it, and we were doing it.
• 1:22:21
  SPEAKER_00: So we had to cut that back.
• 1:22:23
  SPEAKER_00: We need to cut it back financially.
• 1:22:24
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 1:22:25
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 1:22:25
  SPEAKER_00: So explain a needed limit really clearly with people.
• 1:22:29
  SPEAKER_00: That's important.
• 1:22:30
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, and this is for you, you said guys aren't gonna do it.
• 1:22:33
  SPEAKER_00: Women, we can do it, you know.
• 1:22:35
  SPEAKER_00: If you if you need to have a limit, explain it to them.
• 1:22:38
  SPEAKER_00: Like basically, like, I need some time to talk here.
• 1:22:42
  SPEAKER_00: Just that's a limit.
• 1:22:43
  SPEAKER_00: You just have set a boundary, you explain a limit to them.
• 1:22:45
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, do that, okay.
• 1:22:47
  SPEAKER_01: And they should hear that, right?
• 1:22:48
  SPEAKER_01: Hopefully.
• 1:22:49
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, yeah, and and put time into friendships where there is room for you as well.
• 1:22:54
  SPEAKER_00: So pour into the people who do give to you, pour into the people who whichever way feels good to you.
• 1:23:01
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so pour into those people.
• 1:23:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I want you to tell them how you feel about them.
• 1:23:06
  SPEAKER_00: Tell them, you know, I think that's something we don't do enough is telling people how much we appreciate them and we appreciate their friendship.
• 1:23:12
  SPEAKER_00: Let them know I love, thank you that whenever we get together, I get to talk a little bit.
• 1:23:17
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you that like you pick up coffee.
• 1:23:19
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for so much for that.
• 1:23:20
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 1:23:21
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you know, thank you for doing all the things you did during that really hard time in my life.
• 1:23:25
  SPEAKER_00: I want to thank you for that.
• 1:23:27
  SPEAKER_00: You know, tell the people in your life, these friends who have been there for you, say thank you, show appreciation.
• 1:23:34
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 1:23:34
  SPEAKER_00: So this week, I want you to choose one person in your life, choose one friendship, right?
• 1:23:40
  SPEAKER_00: And go and write down those first two sentences and practice.
• 1:23:44
  SPEAKER_00: This is somebody you care about, you like.
• 1:23:46
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe there's something that's kind of like bugging you a little bit, but there's potential for this friendship to even go stronger and get better.
• 1:23:53
  SPEAKER_00: Go and write down those two sentences of things you want to say to them, and then pick a time to have that conversation with them.
• 1:23:59
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you ask them for plans, go for a walk.
• 1:24:01
  SPEAKER_00: And then in that walk, bring it up.
• 1:24:03
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 1:24:04
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 1:24:05
  SPEAKER_00: So we want all of us to move out of resentment with these friendships, the people that are really worth it for us in our lives.
• 1:24:11
  SPEAKER_00: And we want to work on developing emotional intimacy.
• 1:24:15
  SPEAKER_00: This is also emotional intelligence with our friends.
• 1:24:19
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 1:24:19
  SPEAKER_01: I like it.
• 1:24:20
  SPEAKER_00: All right, everybody.
• 1:24:21
  SPEAKER_00: Hope you have a good week.
• 1:24:22
  SPEAKER_00: Mad love to all of you, and we'll see you next time.
• 1:24:26
  SPEAKER_00: Bye.