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Transcript

The Costliest Laugh Ever Told 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: I think I think it is a stressful time to be alive.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_01: And and here's the thing.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: I don't think that anything that's happening between Israelis and Palestinians is funny, but I do want to tell you one thing that happened to me, which is I was on an airplane and there was a guy on the plane wearing a t-shirt that said Hamas.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, I didn't know that they were selling merch.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_01: And also I was like, no matter what your politics are, like, that's a confident choice for an airplane.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I get it, but like that's like yesterday we couldn't make a joke in the line at TSA.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: Now we're wearing the apparel on Delta.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_01: Like, it's just a lot.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, I'm such a nervous person.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, maybe I need to say something.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: Like, what if I'm the only person who sees this?
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: So I finally went over to the flight attendant and I was like, hey, there's this guy, t-shirt, Hamas, 16D.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: You didn't hear it from me.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: Do with it what you will.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: And then she like walks away, comes back to me a couple minutes later.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, Did you mean the man wearing the t-shirt that says Bahamas?
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, listen, I said what I said, okay?
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, the palm trees did throw me off slightly.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: The tie-dye was surprising, but I don't do this, you know.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: I got a lot of sky miles out of that interaction, though.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_01: I am a Jew through and through.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: Um I wasn't always a stand-up comedian.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: I used to be Alice from the Brady Bunch.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: And whenever I say that joke, it's like there are like old people who are like, oh yeah, she does look like her.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_01: And then there are all of you who are like, was that really her?
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: So to you, I say, yes, I'm 107 and dead.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_01: Um I I used to be a law professor, which is generally thank you, that's my student.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: Um my research assistant, in fact.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_01: But uh no, I was a law professor, and that's generally how people get started in comedy.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_01: I imagine I'm stating the obvious, but like if you want to be a comedian, what do you do?
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_01: You go to law school for three years, you practice for two years, you teach for nine years, and that's the moment that you give it up and you do stand-up comedy.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_01: And that's really my background, so sometimes people are like, but why did you even go to law school?
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, I'm setting up a joke I'm gonna tell in 21 years.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_01: I'm very type A.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_01: Also, a good setup is worth the student debt.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_01: And that joke cost$158,000.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_01: But I I think the reason that I went to law school, honestly, is because I I had uh a foreign dad.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, he died.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: He died actually during the pandemic, but not of COVID, which is the no-homo of dying during the pandemic.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_01: And if you got that joke, you did not get the Alice joke.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: So my dad, my dad was from Latvia, and he would say to me about going to law school, he's like, nobody can take your education away from you.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: Like, that's you know this logic?
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: Like, nobody can take your education away from you.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, does anyone want it?
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: I just had uh, well, my wife and I, oh, I'm gay.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't tell you that.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: I feel like at some point I got gay enough I didn't have to come out.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_01: People were like, we're aware.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_01: Uh but my wife, my wife's a lesbian too, I'm pretty sure.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_01: And uh so we we had we just had a baby, which is exciting, yeah.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_01: She's in the car.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: And uh no, she's nine months old, so she's home alone.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_01: But we and sometimes because we're two women, people want to know how did you decide who was gonna have the baby?
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, and the answer to that question is we did rock, paper, scissors.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_01: She got scissors, that always wins for lesbians.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: And so for real, the way that we decided is we went to the gynecologist um together for date night.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: And I feel like that's my impression of a straight man is like, what do lesbians do together?
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_01: Like, go to the gynecologist.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: Like, yeah, actually, we did, and it was fun, okay?
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_01: Sue me, um, I'll sue you back.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: But um, so we go to the gynecologist's office together, and this is how we decided that I was not gonna have the baby is the doctor walks into the exam room, he takes a look at me, then he takes a look at my wife, then he looks back at me, and he's like, Are you ready to be a father?
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: The real way that we determined it is um I was in therapy.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_01: I was at my well, first of all, I I've been in therapy for 17 years.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_01: Weird response.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I told that, I said that to my brother, and my brother's like, that is the disease.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, like you should not be proud of that.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: Your therapist is a thief.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_01: And but the thing is, I've been in therapy for 17 years.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_01: And and also, like, when you have a kid, people tell you, don't screw up your kid, or else they'll have to go to therapy.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: Everybody said, Don't screw up your kid.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, I love therapy.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_01: Like, therapy is my favorite hour of the entire week.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_01: Therapy is a party and the theme is me.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: I love it.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: You know, like I live my entire life weaving together a narrative into an episode of television that I present to Dr.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_01: Weisberg on Tuesday at 1110 a.m., where I have been going for 17 years.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, I'm not getting rid of you.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_01: This is law and order for me.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_01: So anyway, but the the real way that we determined who was not gonna have the baby, who was gonna have the baby, is that my therapist was like, Why do you want to be pregnant?
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, I don't.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: We did IVF, which uh means that we use my wife's egg and my nothing.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: So because I have a very low sperm count.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_01: It hovers right around zero.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_01: Thing is, I don't know if you know this, but if you do IVF, you can know the assigned sex at birth of an embryo.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so we picked girl.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, it was cheaper.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_01: It's 70 cents on the dollar.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_01: And we're Jews, we're raising her in the Jewish tradition, we got her 30% off.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_01: But yeah, you can know, you can know the assigned sex.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: Also, I don't know if you know this about Jews.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_01: Jews, when we have a new baby, okay, we name the new baby after a recently deceased relative.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_01: And I told you my dad died, my dad's name was Leon.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_01: We knew we were having a daughter, so our daughter's name is Daddy.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: She actually said her first words today.
• 6:37
  unknown: Woo!
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_01: Isn't that crazy?
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_01: She looked at me, she's like, nobody can take your education away from you.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna tell you one more joke, okay?
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: And then I'm gonna get out of here.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, but I could have ended the set just now.
• 6:51
  unknown: Okay?
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: We all felt it, but I do want to do one more joke.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_01: So but it's it's an interesting one because so we we did IVF, and uh, and it was a long road for us um to have a baby.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_01: You know, we were having a lot of sex um with the gynecologist.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: Um I feel like a straight guy's like, I thought that's what lesbians were doing this entire day, it is, but no, just kidding.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_01: But um, but we we went through a lot in order to have our daughter, and uh we had a stillbirth, which is not funny.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_01: Um, totally.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: Uh and it's not funny, and I don't mean to make any light of it.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, but it happened to us, and if God forbid, you know, it should never happen to you, it should never happen to anyone, but uh when it happened to us, we are in a hospital, and there's a hospital protocol for what happens when God forbid this happens, and they tell you, they're like, you should have a physical relationship with the baby.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, you should talk to the baby, sing to the baby, read to the baby, you should have a weekend at Bernie's with the baby.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_01: And then if you don't know, they like show you the movie, and and if you don't know the movie, it's an us for me.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: I'm pretty sure my dad doesn't want me to do that too.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you so much.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: I'm with later.