Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S2 Ep11: Before WiFi/ The Pre-Internet Chronicles🤣

Transcript

S2 Ep11: Before WiFi/ The Pre-Internet Chronicles🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: I love old Asian people, man.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: Old Asian people are the best.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: But why are all old Asian people always stretching in the park?
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Like it doesn't matter which city and which park you go to.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: You wake up 6 30 in the morning.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: You see about 250 old Asian people all doing this shit at the same time.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: For like three hours.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: What the f are they doing?
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: And my dad was trying to explain to me, he's like, oh, they're warming up to do tai chi.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, for how long?
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: And ironically, Tai Chi is a warm-up in itself.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: So they're warming up to warm up for nothing.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I think to a lot of Americans, like people think that Tai Chi is some like exotic Chinese secret, some oriental art.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: Tai Chi is just exercise for people who are too old to exercise.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: Let's not exoticize these things, you know?
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's actually super simple to do Tai Chi.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: I went to the park, watched those old people for like an hour, and I learned how to do Tai Chi.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: Very simple.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: All you gotta do is two things.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: All you gotta do to do Tai Chi is pretend you're wiping down a window and getting a blowjob at the same time.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: You gotta seem skeptical.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: Allow me to demonstrate.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: Very simple.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: All you gotta do, you're getting your little stance, right?
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: And then you wipe down a window, and now you get a blue jump.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: And then you lift your head up because you're a gentleman, you know?
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: That's Tai Chi.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, hey.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: Let's not exoticize these Asian things.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: They're just old people reminiscing about the days when they got sucked off.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: You gotta take advantage of these all these like Asian stereotypes.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: You know, if people's gonna exoticize us, that's fine.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: Whenever somebody asks me to do something I don't want to do, I just make up a fake Chinese holiday now.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, hey Jimmy, can you help me move next Monday?
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, Monday?
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: That's the Dragon Boat ly Chi Boba Festival, dog.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: I can't just help you move.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: My grandfather died for that shit.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: You understand?
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: And if people's gonna assume that I don't speak English, that's fine.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I do now when I get pulled over by the cops.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: I just pretend I don't speak English.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: I haven't gotten a ticket in five years.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: Last time I got pulled over, the cops knocking my window.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, sir, you do understand you can't make a right turn here.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: It says right there in a sign you can't make a right turn.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: So I just looked up at him.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, oh.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry, but in English is not very good, so I cannot read at the sign.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: And he was really confused.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: He just looked back down at me.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: He was like, sir, the sign is not in English, it's a diagram.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: So I don't understand how that's a language barrier.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: So I just looked up at him.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, oh.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: But do you know today is the Dragon Ball Light Chi.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_02: I got an iPhone 6.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_02: I was thinking about eight or ten, but I'm only qualified for a two.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_02: I swear to you, when they put out a new phone, they sabotage whatever you have.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_02: Hey, this is gonna slow up right now.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_02: Welcome to the winding slow river of internet.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_02: Hey, my phone just went out in the middle of a conversation.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_02: Reboot it.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_02: You know?
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_02: I have a phone friend.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_02: You always say, you know, the Obi-Phone Kenobi?
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_02: The guy who can fix your phone for you?
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_02: Obi-phone! You know you have to do that face from Oliver?
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_02: Sir?
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_02: Some help, sir.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_02: Some help, Obi-Phone Kenobi.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_02: Please help, sir.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_02: That's not too much to ask.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_02: I know, Governor.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_02: And then they take it and they turn into like Darth Vader.
• 5:03
  unknown: Oh God.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna kill you, Louie.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_02: What?
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_02: Look at it.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_02: Look at it! And you have to act serious, because they're not gonna fix your phone unless you do.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_02: What is it?
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_02: Get this look.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_02: What what'd that do?
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_02: Who does it?
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_02: What'd that do?
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_02: Huh?
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_02: I got a real good dumb face.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_02: What was it?
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_02: You think this is funny, Louis?
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_02: No, no, no.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_02: You got every damn thing open on here.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_02: Do I?
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_02: Everything's open?
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't know I had to close up Amazon Prime when I left.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't know.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't know I could I didn't know things were open the first time this happened.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_02: Everything's open, Louie.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_02: So sorry.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_02: Then they shame you.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_02: You got this open?
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_02: You got big underwear.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_02: What?
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_02: You got this open?
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_02: Dairy Queen Finder, really, Louie?
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_02: I love a dilly bar.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_02: You got that open, that's open.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_02: Wait, watchers, really, Louie.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_02: When's the last time you backed this up?
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_02: What?
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_02: David know how to back it up, Louie.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_02: As long as he fixed your phone.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_02: That's all you care.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_02: I was gonna get the ten, then I went down to the eight.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_02: I go, I'm keeping my six.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_02: Till the I'm gonna wait until the twenty comes up.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_02: Huh?
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_02: I'm waiting for the phone where you hit the thing on Yelp and a burger comes through it.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you, Yelp.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_02: Five stars.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: Remember black and white TVs?
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_01: Who remembers those?
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: Black and white?
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_01: Antennas.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: No remote.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: Remember what remote was for a lot of us?
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_01: The youngest one in the family.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: Plus, I was the only boy.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_01: Just put a chair in front of the TV, had my hand on the knob.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_01: What's next?
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_01: And that other knob, the UHF, where you surround the channel like a safe cracker.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_01: Hold still.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: 18, you don't have a clue what I'm talking about.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: She's looking at me.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: Uh F, what's oof?
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: And how about the knob?
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_01: It always got stripped off.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: And every family had to have what?
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: The needle nose pliers.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_01: They should just sold the TV with the pliers.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: There you go.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: You'll need these in six weeks.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_01: You only have one chance.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_01: There's like an art to him.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_01: Remember you go, I got it, I got it, I got it.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_01: And if you miss a channel, you couldn't re-lock it all the way back around.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_01: Damn it.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: That's right, 18.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_01: That's how we rolled.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_01: Things are changed.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_01: Things have changed with technology.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_01: I remember when going to your room was a punishment.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: Now let's go to your room, son.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: Alright, download porn.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: Every kid has a cell phone.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: Our cell phone was two cans and a string.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: Remember that device?
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, can you hear me?
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you're three feet away.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: That string's got good reception.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_01: How about the day you finally figured it out?
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_01: I think I hear you better like this.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_01: Let's cut the can out of the communication.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my God.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: My wife, she raises them all healthy, you know, organic fruit, juice, smoothies.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: What we grew up with.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_01: Tang.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: There was one flavor, two tablespoons.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_01: That's what our astronauts drank.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: And we knew all the astronauts.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_01: Can you name an astronaut 18?
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_01: Don't even try.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_01: With a guy one night, he was 19, I said, name an astronaut.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_01: He looks at me and he goes, Buzz Lightyear.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: Buzz Lightyear.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_01: I can't make that up.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_01: Somebody else yell, Louis Armstrong.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_01: Louie.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_01: I'm walking on the moon.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: On the boon.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: That sea of tranquility.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_01: Much has changed.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_01: Now they have aromatherapy.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, what we have VIX Vapo rub.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_01: Parents all use it, rub it on your chest.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_01: I'm good, I'm clear.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_01: That was strong.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_01: That could cut through leprosy.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_01: The problem is you stunk for a month.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_01: You couldn't play hide and go seek.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_01: Ready or not?
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_01: Here I come.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_01: He's in a hamper.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_01: Come on out of there, baby boy.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: So much safer with the kids now.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_01: Now they all have their own seat in the SUV.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, we were thrown in the back of an El Camino.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_01: Holding on to the spare tire.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_01: Safe as we got with something called a Woody Wagon.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_01: Real safe.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_01: Five of you facing backwards with no seat belts.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_01: And mom didn't care, she gunned it, you end up in the window.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_01: Stuck in a trapping jam.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_01: You're waving the guy behind you, make faces.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_01: Hey buddy, ho-ho.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_01: Look, I'm an escalator.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_01: Your whole goal was trying to get an adult to give you the finger.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_01: Shut up, kid.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_01: Mommy, he gave me the finger.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_01: Our mom smoked back then.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_01: Roll up the window, it's cold in here.