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Transcript

Leaving the Garden · System Speak: Complex Trauma and Dissociation

• 0:11
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the System Speak podcast, a podcast about dissociative identity disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to longtime listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you.
• 1:00
  I did the thing, the hardest thing ever. I held my ground to choose myself. It meant hard conversations with several people this week, and that's terrifying. And it grieves me. And it's so sad because I don't wanna hurt anyone.
• 1:34
  But it turns out, as we talked about with our therapist, that I'm the co and codependent. But we'll come back to that. Another day, I can't right now. Today is the day the divorce has been final. They sent us one more thing to sign like it wasn't picking off a scab.
• 2:09
  And then in a classic farce that has been our entire relationship together, even that was not right because they sent us the wrong paper. And so we had to do it again. But now it's done. And in that grief and pain, I was left alone because it was my pain and grief. Certainly not a fireball for Jules, completely unrelated to Jules, and not Nathan's responsibility if we're not being codependent.
• 2:57
  He couldn't rescue me, and I couldn't rescue him. And so we both grieved from a thousand miles away alone. I don't wanna talk about it more just out of respect and privacy, but I wanted to communicate that it was done. And I wanna continue to be clear that I have nothing bad to say about Nathan. He has been good and kind to me.
• 3:34
  This is only about choosing me. When we were talking yesterday on the phone, I said I already had a gold star in denying myself. We were talking about religious trauma because that's a church thing, how you're supposed to deny yourself. So it feels like sacrilege to say I'm choosing myself. Denying myself is what the programming is, whether we're talking about childhood or religious trauma.
• 4:17
  Shiny happy culture wants me to cease to exist so that God can shine. But God can be as shiny as God wants to be. My only assignment is to just be me. We also talked about how it's funny that before we ever got married, I talked to him about being gay and how accepting of me he was and how that could work, does work with some people who are in mixed orientation marriages intentionally, not because of conversion therapy. But it was me who did not accept myself.
• 5:22
  Me who was excluding part of myself. Me who was only being part of me. That's why I have to go all the way back to the beginning to fix it. It's my stuff. It doesn't have anything to do with him other than I've caused him pain because, of course, his heart hurts.
• 5:56
  But our friendship is real and our care is real, and we will find our way and continue being safe enough for each other. Just also healthy selves too. I thought the divorce was final yesterday. I got it from the judge, the final decree. And it was a long night being alone in that grief.
• 6:34
  I cried almost all night long Even though also, I knew it was the right thing. But even in that confidence, there were still tears in my lace. I had known it was coming because my attorney warned me that the judge had it and wanted to make sure I was still sure. And so I packed my weekend clients in the early part of the week as full as I could. And when the news came last night, I made sure that today, I only had to work every other hour.
• 7:31
  And I work from home. Still alone, all the children are in Oklahoma. And I worked for an hour, and then I went back to bed and cried. And then I worked for an hour. And then I went back to bed and cried all day long, crying for so many things.
• 8:01
  And then today, the court emailed again because my attorney forgot to put my name change in the paper, so they had to amend it. So we had to sign one more time again till getting my name back. Now legally, once again, except by the mercy of the judge, not going back to a maiden name that was from an abusive adopted family. He let me keep Sonshaw, And so it's done. My legal name is Emma Sunshine.
• 8:47
  There's something congruent about that, a relief about that. My attorney had asked if I would keep the same last name so that I can match the children. I told the attorney I wasn't here for matching anyone anymore. I needed to match me. I needed to choose me, and my name was part of that.
• 9:22
  I know that's a hassle on paperwork and all the things. And I know I've given myself more work to do to fix my name everywhere. And, also, it's a starting place at choosing me at being me intentionally and aware and associated. I've come so far in healing these two years I've lived so far away from the family, the four or five years I've lived apart from Nathan. And yet he has been witness to it and in it with me.
• 10:20
  And I'm grateful for him and to him. And we will continue co parenting as we have, Even as the children transition into needing us less and less while also needing us more and more. As they grow up and also become themselves. It is much like adoption, but in a different shape, both an ending and a beginning. And there have been pieces that have been hard not to share along the way simply because of privacy.
• 11:15
  And, also, privacy has also been a gift to myself. So we'll keep learning, and we'll keep growing. And today, I'm gonna be really gentle with myself in this very quiet house full of my tears and my lace. But it is my lace and my life. And I have lots of questions and lots of therapy to do, but I am doing it for me.
• 14:44
  Thank you for listening. Your support of the podcast, the workbooks, and the community means so much to us as we try to create something together that's never been done before, not like this. Connection brings healing, and you can join us on the community at www.systemspeak.com. We'll see you there.