Latest / Start Your Comeback: Rebuilding after Divorce, Empty Nest, and Loss of Spouse / Embracing Change: Strategies for Thriving Through Life's Storms

Transcript

Embracing Change: Strategies for Thriving Through Life's Storms · Start Your Comeback: Rebuilding after Divorce, Empty Nest, and Loss of Spouse

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Is there a major life transition benching you?
• 0:02
  Speaker 1: I know you may be asking what's next?
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: What's my purpose?
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: What if?
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Because I've asked those too.
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Start your Comeback Podcast.
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: I'm Toni Thrash, a certified life coach, and I want to share the tools and practical steps to help you create a winning game plan to move into your new adventure.
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: Hi, welcome back.
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: You are listening to episode 25.
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: Last week was a hard topic.
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: I discussed the silent deletion of friendships without any sort of communication.
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: I know I spoke to lots of folks because I've heard from a few of you that have told me the pain and grief it causes is a shock and disbelief.
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: It often leaves unanswered questions and loads of doubt.
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: The process through doubt and grief will take time and you need to know you may never have a resolution or know the why.
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: We have expectations that we will remain friends through this transition and oftentimes we don't.
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: This topic ties in perfectly with what I want to talk about today the expectations we place on ourselves because of the impact of the transition happening in front of us, inside of us and around us.
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: The expectations are a deadly mix of prescribed and perceived assumptions and control of what we place over ourselves to attain a level of hey like, don't judge me, I've got this all together kind of mindset.
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: What tends to happen during any type of transition is that we set all these expectations on ourselves and how we believe it will play out.
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: One of the things I learned the hard way was to believe it was going to play out the way I wanted.
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: Trust me, it didn't.
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: Let me give you a personal example.
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: Texas is a non-alimony state, but if you've been married a certain number of years, they will pay spousal maintenance.
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: I was married for 25 years.
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: When I got divorced I was hopeful to get up to seven years of spousal maintenance.
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: My salary at the time was about $25,000.
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: This was 10 years ago and there was no way I could find a place to live without help.
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: I was stressed but had high expectations.
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: I would get what my attorney and I thought I could get.
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: As we went through mediation, it became increasingly apparent there was no way I would get this.
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: I settled for two years and a specific number.
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: I knew I had two years to figure out what to do when it was over.
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: Here's the kicker part.
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: No one told me that while he pays the maintenance, he gets a tax break and I have to claim it as income and pay taxes on it.
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: Imagine my horror at an almost $2,000 tax bill the first year on my salary.
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: Yep, I'll be honest with you.
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: After that first year I began to shift my perspective to.
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: I need out from under this and I need help to make more money.
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: One of the key things as you walk through any transition is this have reasonably based expectation.
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: It's hard because the level of hurt and pain inflicted can influence your decision making.
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: Those decisions often need to be revised to work the way we thought.
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: Let me also say this here If you have a very sudden transition, please take care of yourself.
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: Let's say, you lost a spouse suddenly and now you have to figure all this out by yourself.
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: Take a deep breath, get some coaching, advice, financial advice, and do not, under any circumstances, make any major life decisions in the first year after.
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: I understand this may be out of your control, but if at all possible, please take a year to process your life and then make some life decisions.
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: Okay, so now one of the expectations you will need to set is to be kind to yourself and to your ex.
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: Look, I know how hard this is, but I promise it will benefit you and your children in the long run.
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: Not necessarily immediately it could be, but the long run is the goal.
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: I guarantee it will not work the way the divorce decree says it will.
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: It just doesn't.
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: There are always exceptions and sometimes your expectations are buried deep.
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: Another thing to keep your expectations at a non-toxic level is to make yourself knowledgeable of the circumstances.
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: The more you are aware, the more self-aware you stay.
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: This is critical for your emotional and mental health during any transition.
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: I can't say it strong enough Be aware and present as much as possible.
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: Another noteworthy thing is to stay off social media.
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: You cannot control anyone else's stupidity on social media, but you can set your expectations to not get worked up over the things they post and say it's not good for your mental and emotional compass at all.
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: Have a plan.
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: Your plan is simply this Take it day by day period.
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: The future expectations will overwhelm you and cause more anxiety than needed.
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: Transition always causes anxiety to a degree.
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: There is no reason to fuel it more.
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: Stay in today and today only, and be aware and present.
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: Finally, if your expectations are at a reasonable level, then you are not handing your life or control of your life into someone else's hands.
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: They do not have power over you unless you give it.
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: Your expectations are not based on what they will or will not do.
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: You will stay the course you've planned for and your game plan will be solid.
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: We may have to make some adjustments to the game plan, but it will be solid.
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: Realize that all of your expectations will not be met.
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: What I have found to be true is this to know which one to let go of, and there will be others you want to fight to the death for.
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: Not really, but it is important to have those that are non-negotiable.
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: Those expectations are the ones that are best for you, your children, selfishness aside, those are the ones worth standing your ground for.
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: If we have high expectations, they can get us in trouble.
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: You will have close advisors tell you how their transition played out, and please don't take these on as your own expectations, because no transition is the same, and to take someone's finish and make it our beginning will possibly ruin a relationship in the future.
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: Look at the facts and base your expectations on your facts.
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: Remember the shock of your transition and try not to be a hero and think you can do all the things by yourself.
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: Again, be aware of what you are capable of In moments of shock.
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: Please take the time to consider every angle of every expectation before having it.
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: Shock tends to be a denial of reality for a moment, and raising your expectations will only increase the chance of unmet and unrealistic expectations.
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: Having those realistic expectations is very grounding.
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: Even still, while they might not be met, it does help us keep the damage to a minimum.
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: Please ask for help in times like these.
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: Even in the fog of shock, you must have those trusted advisors to write things down, to mull over at another time.
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: One last thing before I go.
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: Expectations are a good thing to have, but if we place them on ourselves and we can't meet them, or we have them on other people, we're always going to let ourselves down or be let down.
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: That's why I want you to go into this having some steady, solid expectations that are not 100% guaranteed, but at least that they're not so high and lofty, they're out of range.
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: Thanks for listening.
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: Join me next week as I discuss ways to respond to failure, how to take a time out and make some adjustments to your game plan so that you can see it play out to success.
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: See you next time.
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: Hey, thanks for listening.
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: I don't take it for granted that you're here.
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: You didn't listen by mistake.
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: If you want to reach out, you can DM me on Instagram at Tony Thrash Until next week.
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: Remember, there's still time left on the clock.
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: Let's get you off the bench to start your comeback.
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: I want to give a special shout out to Country Club for the original music.
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: You can find them on Instagram at Country Club.
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: You.